10 Lessons Every Elegant Black Woman Must Know: Part 2

This post is a list of 10 lessons that any Black woman can learn in order to become an Elegant Black Woman! Each lesson is comprised of past blog posts that address the subject of each lesson. If you want to learn ideas about how to become more feminine and elegant, just read the posts under each heading. I am working on updating the images and links in these posts so some may not be fully edited. As I write new posts I will also add them to this page. I will make this a stand-alone page on my blog that you can access from the blog header as well (HERE is the page). Happy reading :)

Introduction: 

In this introduction you can see all of the conflicted feelings and thoughts I had about becoming an Elegant Black Woman (EBW). You may be experiencing the same conflicts and asking the same questions. I have thought a lot about this journey, why I was doing it, and whether it was a good idea or not. I have received a lot of praise that I appreciate, but also some criticism, and questioning. By looking at the amount of posts on making this change you can see that I have really thought about this and come up with arguments in support of my choice. At this point I am fine with my decision to be an EBW and reading these posts can help you to feel secure in you own decision. Many of these posts are controversial, they are based on opinions that can vary from person to person, and if you agree you may become angry so be warned! Just remember, we are all free to think and feel as we like and you are free to disagree too.

Why Become an Elegant Black Woman?
Is Trying to be Elegant Also Trying to be White?
The F-Word: Who Wants to be a Feminist?
The Feminist Police
The Feminist Law
Do People Really Know Why They Do Things?
Is Gender Socialization Wrong?
Life Choices and The Decision to Change
Are you really that great the way you are?
Becoming Kerry Gabrielle Michelle
The Great Self-Improvement Debate
Contradictions and Dangerous Messages
We Don't Live in Bubbles and Other People Influence Us
Social Comparisons are Torture for the Hopeless
Being a Fake vs. Being Your Best Self
Why do some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?
Freeing Myself From African American Cultural Limitations
A Black Woman Who Will Not Pathologize Herself

Summary lessons:

These posts provide some quick advice about how to become more feminine and elegant and some basic definitions and instructions.

How Will I learn to Be an Elegant Black Woman?
Advice From Video Bloggers
How Can You Become an Elegant Black Woman?
What is Feminine?

1. How to dress

These posts describe ways that you can feminize your wardrobe without spending too much money. They provide many examples for feminine clothing and styles.

DIY and Inexpensive Ways to Feminize Your Wardrobe
Pin Up Girl Style for Black Women
Ways to Look Cute and Feminine
Why I Gave Up Wearing the Pants--Literally!
Showing too Much Cleavage
My Current Wardrobe
Dita von Tesse Burlesque Style
Clothing Men Prefer on Women
Thank Goodness for Lingerie!
What Kind of People Thrift Shop?

2. How to wear your makeup

Read these posts to learn how to wear your make-up in a natural and feminine way to enhance the feminine beauty you already have.

Cute Make-up and Hairstyles
Have Realistic Expectations for Yourself: Nobody is Perfect :)
We Can Look Just as Desirable as Anyone Else
My New Makeup Icon is Kelly Rowland
Is There a Black Standard of Beauty?

3. How to wear your hair

Should Black Women Wear Their Natural Hair?
Touching Black Women's Hair

4. How to smile

Smiling More Often Can Improve Your Life
The Risk of Smiling Too Much

5. How to speak

These posts are about how to speak in a feminine and respectful manner and also how to describe yourself to others so that you are respected and valued.

An Elegant Black Woman Speaks Well and Defies the Stereotypes
EBWs Must Change the Words they use to Define Themselves
Black Women Must Advertise Their Unique Feminine Features
Feminism, Egalitarianism, and Humanitarianism

6. How to sit, stand, and walk

Instantly Improve your Posture and Appearance

7. How to interact with others

These posts are about manners, how to speak in a positive manner, and how to relate to others in ways that will benefit you and minimize conflict.

Free Online Manners and Etiquette Tutorials!
New Etiquette and Instructional Videos
Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women!!!
Are Controlling Black Men Responsible for the "Angry Black Woman" Stereotype?
An EBW does not "Keep it Real"
Victim Mentality may be Limiting Your Potential
Should Women Act Like Men to Get Ahead?
EBWs Need People Skills
Watch Out for First World Problems

8. How to spend your free time

Read these posts to learn about feminine hobbies and pass-times that will help you to feel more feminine and value traditionally feminine activities. These activities are actually useful.

Should an Elegant Black Woman be Able to Cook?
Learning the Art of Cooking
This EBW is Learning How to Sew
Feminine Dances I Want to Learn
Bellydance for Femininity, Weight Loss, and Fitness
Will Looking at Images of Fit Women Help Black Women to Lose Weight?

9. How to date

These posts are all about interacting with men, sex, dating, and getting married. These posts are probably controversial. 

Letting a Man be a Man
Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men?
Many Black Women are Too Submissive
Does Your Man's Money Matter?
Alpha and Beta Males and Females
Some Black Women Are Labeling Themselves "Handicapped"
A Pro Man Woman
Why Do I Care So Much About Attracting a Man?
Are Women in Competition?
Auditioning for the Role of Wife or Girlfriend
Volume Dating Versus Serial Dating
The Irresponsibility of Women Who Support Promiscuity
I Think Promiscuous Men are Gross Too
My Sex Life is None of Your Business!!! Or is it?
What Do Men Look for in Girlfriends & Wives?
Hypergamy and Black Women Marrying Up

10. How to be be virtuous

These posts are about expressing positive and feminine virtues, character traits, and personality traits. These things are the hardest to change because they will involve changing behavioural habits that you have had for a long time. Making these changes may require self-help or even psychotherapy in some cases. Changing your character is controversial because many will see this as changing who you are, which is much more of a commitment and more work than just changing the way you look. Keep in mind though that these traits are all positive and are suggested to make you happy and help you to get along with others. If you read the introduction above you will feel better about making these changes. These changes are key to being the most feminine woman you can be.

What Ever Happened to Character Building?
Does Your Success Say Something About Your Character?
10 Essential Habits of Positive People
Empathy, Kindness, Hostility, and Being Strong
Should an Elegant Black Woman be a Pleaser or a Giver?
Giving Only Because of Love
Why Many Black Women are Succeeding
Becoming an Elegant Black Woman is Very Ambitious!
Be a Survivor not a Victim
Self-Help Articles for Black Women
Is all this Venting Helpful?
Being Quiet does not Equal Being Weak
Being Soft is Pretty Sweet :)
Respectability Politics
Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most

Fun lessons and cultural studies:

These posts are fun and interesting and helped me to see the positives in traditional feminine roles and how femininity is expressed in other cultures. 

Lessons We Can Learn from Secretaries
Lessons We Can Learn From Beauty Queens
Lessons  we can Learn from Cheerleaders
Tribute to Black Beauty Queens
The Elegance of Claire Huxtable
Retro Femininity: Motown Singing Groups
Tribute to EBW Thandie Newton
Lessons We Can Learn From The Stepford Wives (2004)
Remember when Being Feminine and Girly was a Black Thing?

Japanese Kawaii Girls are Experts on Cuteness!
Lesson in Extreme Ultra Femininity
Indian and Middle Eastern Women are Experts on Eyeliner!
Elegant African Women
Lessons We can Learn From Brazilian Women
Lessons We Can Learn From Geisha
Imagine if Black Women Wore Sarees!!!

P.S. Some of you may be asking for a summary with updates of each lesson...they are coming :)

P.P.S: You may be wondering why I haven't written about the US election. Well I would be writing for days if I did and it has just been getting me too upset and distracted from my work. The more I read the more scared I become. I hope that everything will be okay but know that I think this is awful and horrible. I just can't believe it!

Women’s Style Rules: 1950s Vs. Present

This is so funny! Buzzfeed posted the video below in order to ridicule 1950's style rules, but I agree with most (not all) of what the video says! Maybe its because I'm in my 30's, but none of the styles the models wore were appealing to me at all. It is what it is, but I thought the tips were actually pretty good! The models are not wearing outfits that would be acceptable at many jobs and schools (of course universities are more liberal). The 1950's woman was over the top but I think she would definitely get respect (you should read the YouTube comments).

Miss Vintage 2014: Dress Like A Lady To Be Treated Like A Lady: In this video I love her cardigans! It may be too costume-like to wear so much 50's style at once but individual pieces are great. I prefer the cuts of 1950's and 60's clothes, they seemed to emphasize your good parts and minimize your flaws plus the material was so sturdy compared to the flimsy fabrics today. Also, unlike in the video, I like my skirts around knee length and I like the pinup model look with pencil skirts.

Vintage Style - Outfit Tips for Beginners (If you go overboard then you could be ridiculed...but it has never happened to me. I also don't bother with pantyhose but I wear tights or leggings in the winter. I like red nails but I don't like the way red lipstick looks on me.)

In future posts when I make fashion suggestions they will be based on a "vintage feminine" style that is classic and mixable with modern items. I focus on style instead of fashion because fashion is trendy and changes from season to season.

An Alternative to the Angry, Strong, Independent Black Woman?

This video was a long time coming. When I began this journey to become feminine I had some of the same goals and ideas I have now. But I have gotten to know myself better and I can really describe the type of woman I want to be. I had to weed through the pop culture and feminist notions and figure out that I wanted to be a modern feminine Black woman. This is basically an EBW and she embraces a modern lifestyle in some ways but in other ways she is quite old fashioned.

This is who I am. This is being liberal and conservative. This is being an individual who is different from many modern women yet the same as many traditional women and women of the past. I don't reject or accept everything from the past because the past was not perfect. I don't reject or accept everything modern because modern ideas and values are not perfect either and they have yet to be proven beneficial in the long term. I feel happy and more secure in my choice to become a modern feminine woman. I have learned so much that I am not as easily swayed about my choices as I once was. I do not feel that my values, goals, and choices are mistakes that I will regret later. I have decided who I want to be and I'm happy with the progress I have made towards becoming that person.

The video below may be controversial to some but it is honest. This is who I want to be and these are my beliefs. Basically if anyone objects to anything they are free to use Ezvid to express their own views, free media is awesome!!!  :)

Two More New EBW Videos

I really enjoyed making these two videos. It's actually a lot of fun. I enjoy watching them because they really show how feminine and beautiful Black women can be and the femininity of Black women of the past. I've watched both several times while making them and after adding all the labels. The more I watch the more I can see how to be an Elegant Black Woman. Notice the way they smile, pose, and have pleasant (non angry) facial expressions. I can also see that many of the women are wearing shaping garments like corsets. I love these images!

New EBW YouTube Videos :)

I just made some videos for YouTube. These are just image videos because enough of my thoughts are already on this blog. I think I'll turn all of my photo posts into videos. It wasn't hard at all. I used a free program called Ezvid and then added annotations using YouTube. I think that the difference between these women and the women we see in the media will be very striking. These women look highly desirable, approachable, friendly, kind, and like high quality women. These are my fashion and beauty role models.  I hope you enjoy these :)

Feminine Black Women in Music Videos

Today I thought it would be nice to just show some music videos where the women are being very feminine, flirty, girly, soft, and romantic in my opinion. It's easier to pick out femininity when you see it in action I think. Notice the wardrobe, soft hair, flowing movements, feminine and cutesy dancing, fluttering eyelashes, and pleasant facial expressions. These women are singing about romantic relationships and love mostly.


This is Sandcastle Disco by Solange Knowles. I like Solange's retro sound and I think I like her more than Beyonce. I think she is adorable in this video! I really like the song too. Notice the lyrics and the feminine message or vulnerability and needing to be treated with care.



This is another interesting video from Solange. I remember this song from the L'Oreal hair colour commercials. Notice the wardrobe in the 1960s and how it becomes increasingly more masculine and hard during the futuristic scene. I of course prefer the 1960s outfits the most because they are the most feminine.


I am really liking Corinne Bailey Rae! She is the queen of the innocent, breathless, baby voice lol! I love this song as well as Put Your Records On.



I am so mesmerized by Corinne's hair! She has been one of my hair inspirations for a while but it looks even better in motion! Gorgeous!



This is Inna Modja. I have collected many images of her on Tumblr because of her hair, smile, and feminine demeanor. Most of the song is in French but the chorus is in English. I like it :)



Ah Sade, this is one of the most feminine videos ever! Look at the way she moves, her facial expression, and listen to the lyrics. She is soooo feminine it's unbelievable.

P.S. Hey have you noticed that women in country music tend to be very feminine and not very masculine, hard, and overly sexual like the women in pop and hip hop?  They are also overwhelmingly White. I wish I didn't hate twang. fiddles, and banjos so much otherwise I would like it! I'm allergic to twang :) Plus, a lot of them sing about love and relationships and that's my favorite subject for music, since I love ballads. There is also that part of me that really notices that country music is overwhelmingly White and wonders if this isn't because of racism, just as the U.S. Republican party is also very White (I reference the U.S. because that's where most country music comes from). Maybe it's the conservative thing? I'll post a video below of popular country music.


You tell me, do they appear more feminine and less like loose women when compared to pop musicians? Well except for Gretchen Wilson who seems pretty hard. Some of the photos are sexy but not as over the top as the pop or hip hop ones. Maybe it's the facial expressions and feminine clothing? Maybe I'm so used to seeing "Black women appreciation videos" that use photos from men's magazines so the country video looks very tame. Lol, notice how feminist some of the lyrics are though! Some are not about romance and are about having masculine traits or getting revenge on a man! All the songs except three were about men. I have the feeling that Christian and gospel musicians would be more reserved and feminine too but I don't do religion or religious music.

Becoming an Elegant Black Woman is Very Ambitious!

What does it mean to be ambitious?

1. Having or showing a strong desire and determination to succeed- his mother was hard-working and ambitious for her four children

 2. (of a plan or piece of work) Intended to satisfy high aspirations and therefore difficult to achieve- the scope of the book is very ambitious- an ambitious enterprise 

(Ambitiousness) Ambition is the desire for personal achievement. It provides the motivation and determination necessary to help give direction to life. Ambitious people seek to be the best at what they choose to do for attainment, power, or superiority. ...(source)

Everyone has certain ambitions and things they want to do in life. But not everyone is "ambitious". Some people are fine with their lot in life, accept things as they are, and feel that they deserve the life they currently have. Others are ambitious and strive for high personal achievement and to be the best they can be in all aspects of life. I have come to realize that I am very ambitious! This comes as somewhat of a surprise to me because I thought it was just normal to strive to be the best and most people would do so if they could (e.g., if they were not bogged down with so may problems or barriers). 

I think that wanting to become an EBW is very ambitious because as you can read in the header above, I want to improve myself so that I become a better woman of the highest quality, despite my upbringing or lineage, so that I can attract good, successful men of any race. An ambitious woman does not just "settle" for what comes her way or what people think she deserves. She works hard to achieve what she wants and to change her situation into one she desires. 

I think my ambitiousness was definitely due to my upbringing (thanks Mom and Dad). My parents always expected an A (80% or higher) on my school work and they enrolled me into a school program with high achieving students who had high GPAs when compared to other students. I worked hard because I valued education, I thought high grades were supposed to be everyone's goal, and I didn't want to be the one who didn't achieve that goal. I also believed it was the norm for people to go to university if they wanted a good life and I always thought that the only acceptable occupations for me would be a doctor, dentist, or lawyer (why not strive for the best right?). So I went to school and obtained my advanced degree. I wanted to be highly intelligent, knowledgeable, competent, professional and well respected in society.

In terms of my personal characteristics, I am ambitious because I strive to have good manners, good health, a healthy weight, an attractive body, an attractive face, beautiful hair, and an attractive wardrobe. I work to be achieve these things because they are desirable traits to me an others. I also want to achieve the relationship I want, with a man I am physically, emotionally, and mentally attracted to, who has the same attraction to me, who I get along with, has similar values, and is just as ambitious as I am. Then we can strive to achieve our "dream life" of a house, his and her cars, a picket fence (actually I prefer hedges), two kids, a dog (preferably a cat), vacations, security, and a happily ever after. Actually almost all of my self-improvement goals were for this purpose, to have this happy life of love, family, security (including financial), and happiness.

So in terms of my education and career I am on the right track and my work is paying off. However in terms of my dream life things were not going as planned. I wasn't happy with my appearance, I was single, and I was not attracting the men I wanted. So being the ambitious person that I am, I decided to do something about it!  We all know that most men like attractive women so I improved my attractiveness. I also learned that many men prefer feminine women so I learned about femininity (I'm still learning) and allowed myself to be more feminine. I sought out many ways to do so including: reading about feminine fashion, looking at clothing online, and buying a new wardrobe; reading about feminine traits, allowing myself to show them, and reducing my masculine traits; and reading about relationships, going out out on dates, and trying the new things I have learned. A lot of what I've read and heard about feminism doesn't fit with this behaviour so I had to stop blindly following feminist ideas and I have allowed myself to be critical and only accept what doesn't harm my interests. The funny thing is, being ambitious is often listed as a masculine trait! So there's some equality for you :)

Showing too many masculine traits, suppressing my femininity, and just going with the flow in my social life was not achieving my goals and I was not going to accept that. As an ambitious person I used my resources to change my odds so that I would be more likely to achieve my dream life goal. This is ambitious and goes against what many others believe. I do not believe great things will "just happen" if I am patient, hope, wish, or pray. I try to make things happen. I believe that people are constantly changing and that my personal habits are not "the real me" so I have no issues with changing some personal habits in order to achieve my goals. People change their make up and wardrobes constantly so I see no problem with changing my make-up and clothing to appear more feminine (it's not like I'm getting plastic surgery, degrading myself in trashy clothes, putting up with mistreatment, or sleeping around to win men so I am not harming myself). Also since many of us have masculine and feminine traits I see noting wrong with choosing at this point to express my femininity over my masculinity since I didn't really like the masculine side anyway. I feel happier being feminine and expressing those traits rather than feeling pressure to be strong, aggressive, and independent all the time. There are many women like myself who were unhappy with their lives and decided to change their circumstances. They want better and I have no doubt that many of the women we admire are ambitious. The only reason we know about them is because they were ambitious enough to stand out above the rest!

So are you ambitious enough to change your life, not care what others say, resist the pressure to settle for less, and strive to achieve you dream life?

Related Articles:
Ambition: Why some people are most likely to succeed (very informative!)

What do Ultra-Feminine Black Celebrities Have in Common?

I was uploading photos to Tumblr the other day and I noticed some interesting commonalities among these women who often portray EBW traits. These women tend to appear feminine and elegant in public, television and movie roles, and in their music style. They tend to dress in a feminine way, they are in shape, poised, well-mannered, sophisticated, sweet, classy, physically attractive, and many appear on the "attractive women" lists of People and men's magazines. In film and television roles they are often portrayed as wives, girlfriends, or love interests and not as racial stereotypes. They rarely appear hard, masculine, or "hood" in real life but occasionally they do for roles (e.g., Thandie Newton). 

The women may not display EBW traits all the time but I think it is a good list but of course it is not exhaustive. Furthermore, there is also a bias because these are the celebrities I know and prefer (some may disagree and feel someone belongs on the list that I don't, for instance Halle Berry or Alisha Keys). Given the fantastic nature of the internet you can watch and read content about all of these women (and many more) at any time to be inspired! I would recommend looking at their photo shoots online (e.g., at my Tumblr site) because their photos depict them as EBWs even if some of their roles do not. Focus your entertainment consumption on these women instead of the negative and stereotypical depictions (e.g., reality TV) and take control of your own happiness. EBWs exist!

EBW Role Models

1. Josephine Baker
2. Tyra Banks
3. Angela Bassett
4. Garcelle Beauvais
5. Naomi Campbell
6. Diahann Carroll
7. Pat Cleveland
8. Angel Coulby (from Merlin)
9. Dorothy Dandridge
10. Viola Davis
11. Robin Givens
12. Lena Horne
13. Whitney Houston 
14. Iman
15. Janet Jackson
16. Beverly Johnson
17. Saana Lathan (what man wouldn't want to date a woman like this?)
18. Nia Long
19. Audra McDonald
20. Tia and Tamera Mowry
21. Thandie Newton
22. Michelle Obama
23. Paula Patton
24. Phylica Rashad
25. Diana Ross
26. Tracee Ellis-Ross (natural hair, feminine and fashionable wardrobe, portrayed as an educated professional...EBW gold!)
27. Sade
28. Zoe Saldana
29. Naomi Sims
30. Jordan Sparks
31. Gina Torres
32. Gabrielle Union
33. Lark Voorhees (as Lisa Turtle)
34. Kerry Washington (some of the most beautiful EBW photos I have depict this woman. She knows how to wear a red lip and look super elegant in public)
35. Rutina Wesley
36. Kelly Williams
37. Vanessa Williams

So there are actually enough EBW role models out there for someone who needs one! I have collected photos of these women and others on Tumblr because it helps me to see feminine fashions, makeup, and demeanor in photos of women who look like me. By seeing Black women who appear to have the image I want my goal doesn't seem impossible or strange. Of course I do not know much about how these women behave in real life and there are some instances where their behaviour is questionable (e.g., Naomi Campbell's anger problem, Whiteny Houston's problems R.I.P.). But no one is perfect and I can just focus on their positive traits. Did you notice anything about the list? Well here's what I noticed...

Biracial 9/37 (some women may be missing from this category)

1. Angel Coulby
2. Lena Horne
3. Tia and Tamera Mowry
4. Paula Patton
5. Tracee Ellis-Ross
6. Sade
7. Zoe Saldana?  (Dominican and Puerto Rican)
8. Jordan Sparks
9. Vanessa Williams

Not Born in the United States or not considered African American 8/37

1. Garcelle Beauvais
2. Naomi Campbell
3. Angel Coulby
4. Iman
5. Thandie Newton
6. Sade
7. Zoe Saldana 
8. Gina Torres (Cuban)

History of Interracial Dating or Marriage 21/37 (names may be missing from the list)

1. Josephine Baker*
2. Garcelle Beauvais
3. Naomi Campbell
4. Diahann Carroll*
5. Pat Cleveland
6. Dorothy Dandridge*
7. Robin Givens
8. Lena Horne*
9. Tamera Mowry
10. Iman
11. Janet Jackson
12. Audra McDonald
13. Thandie Newton
14. Paula Patton
15. Diana Ross
16. Zoe Saldana
17. Naomi Sims
18. Lark Voorhees
19. Kerry Washington
20. Rutina Wesley
21. Kelly Williams

*very interesting given the times
History of Interracial Relationship Film/Television Roles 22/37 (names may be missing. Based on my knowledge and This List)

1. Tyra Banks
2. Angela Bassett
3. Naomi Campbell
4. Angel Coulby
5. Dorothy Dandridge
6. Robin Givens
7. Lena Horne
8. Whitney Houston
9. Beverly Johnson
10. Saana Lathan
11. Nia Long
12. Audra McDonald
13. Thandie Newton
14. Paula Patton
15. Diana Ross
16. Zoe Saldana
17. Gina Torres
18. Gabrielle Union
19. Lark Voorhees
20. Kerry Washington
21. Rutina Wesley
22. Vanessa Williams

Not Fitting in Any Category 3/37 (to my knowledge)

1. Viola Davis
2. Michelle Obama
3. Phylica Rashad

So what does this all mean? Well I guess some people would revoke "Black cards" from 34/37 of the women on my EBW list lol!

New Tumblr Site

I just started a new Tumblr site at  http://www.elegantbw.tumblr.com/ . I'm not crazy about the template but it's good enough for now. Readers can post submissions so this can be more of a group thing. It would be a great place to post photos and feminine things that would be helpful for Black women. But of course it has to be respectful and all posts will be reviewed first. I hope that this will be a good thing :) I started the site last week and didn't know what to do with it but Orch1d said I should start one so I actually tried it out. So far a year of posts fits on three pages lol!