Monday, December 31, 2012

I've Decided to Start Corset Waist Training

Well you may have seen this coming since my Thank Goodness for Lingerie post, but I have decided to start corset waist training! I ordered some fashion corsets ($15) each to start. They have plastic boning and don't have many of the characteristics mentioned in the video below about what to look for in a corset.

What to look for in store video, Tips for buying a corset online (MUST WATCH).

I am now going to purchase a waist training corset and this will cost me about $70 and I have been searching for things online. I've actually chosen one from Leatherotics and there is a review for it HERE that provides way more information than on the store website. Garters can even be attached to it! I'm going to pay extra for it to be made for my custom measurements because that's supposed to make the waist look extra curvy. I'm not going to spend over a hundred dollars for a customized corset just in case wearing it isn't as fun as I expect.

I feel okay wearing the fashion corsets so I think wearing the waist training corset will be okay. I'm looking forward to the benefit of it reducing my appetite and eating smaller portions so that I can lose some weight. It will improve my posture too and just enhance my looks. I don't plan on tightlacing too much or trying to get under 20 inches or something, it's just not necessary to me. I don't want my proportions to look abnormal or extreme so my goal will be 26 inches in the corset after I lose some weight (I was 28 inches the last time I lost weight so it's not going to be extreme).

I'm really excited about this because corsets are such a feminine piece of clothing, although in the past some men have also worn them. But most people associate them with highly feminine women. Did you know Dita Von Teese has worn corsets since age 22? Here are some videos about her corsets, VIDEO1, VIDEO2 pretty risque NSFW, and VIDEO3 that I agree with. She laces up way too tight for me though and can go down to 16 inches! Something about the heaving bosom, tiny waist, and curvy hips is just so gorgeous, womanly, and sensuous. I actually like the way the corset feels smooth and as the Lucy Corsetry blog mentions, there is something comforting about being bound, like a warm hug or being swaddled. As far as clothing goes, in the corset your torso looks perfect, no back or belly rolls, perfectly flat stomach, and your proportions are perfect. However, the busk in the front and the boning can show through tight, thin-fabric clothes so I'll have to figure out a way to hide that. I may even dare to wear one as outwear on occasion.

I think that wearing a corset will be my bit of edge, sort of. You know I don't like edge when it makes women look hard, angry, unapproachable, or masculine, but this will give me a bit of ultra feminine edge! Most women do not wear corsets and many actually wrongly think they are torture devices, painful, and dangerous but I'm going to bravely wear one. Some people may actually be opposed to me wearing one because of their reputation. It's kind of funny, on my journey to embrace and enhance my femininity I'm going back to wearing one of the most feminine garments ever that some modern women today would label as "oppressive"! Yet I feel it will allow me to have a super feminine body and free me from the oppression of worrying about my waistline and comparing my waist to others! Many people also think corsets are incredibly sexy so it will give me a sexy edge although I will not be exposing more skin or changing my behaviour in any way. Corsets will be "my thing" along with dressing feminine, being nice and polite, and wearing natural hair.

Related Articles:
Corset lover tumblr site (a pretty risque NSFW)
The re-re-re-rise of the corset
Waist training
Waist training 2

Friday, December 28, 2012

Are Feminists Against Marriage?

There as an interesting conversation on another blog about a horrible new reality show starring a (c)rapper and his 10 baby mamas and 11 children. Yes you heard that right, a show about a promiscuous man who constantly impregnates 17-19 year old women who all live in a house with him! Well I made a comment that many feminists are against marriage and would see this arrangement as ideal especially if the man went away. Someone accused me of speaking "nonsense" and ordered me to give her sources to support my argument. Well I posted two videos but that was all I was willing to do because I'm not that stranger's slave and she should be empowered enough to do a simple Google search (it's funny but when I posted a video of feminist quotes she actually refused to view it even though she was the one who asked for sources!). It's a waste of time trying to educate such people, she doesn't even know what some members of her own group think.

Would I say I'm anti-feminist, no since I do agree with many of the things they do and have done. But I have the right to talk about the things I don't agree with. I thought about calling myself an egalitarian but after reading a bit about it I don't think it describes me either because I don't believe all lifestyle choices are equal, I think some people are better at some jobs/roles than others, some people earn privileges and prestige, and some people (e.g., children) can't handle the same rights and responsibilities as others. If I say I'm an egalitarian then I would be placing myself with the same people who have no problem with the (c)rapper's lifestyle, being promiscuous, taking drugs, getting black out drunk, not taking responsibility etc. and "respects" everyone else's lifestyle. That is so not me!

Other people often argue that people shouldn't bother to get married because so many marriages end in divorce. When I hear that I always think, "so what if they end in divorce?" I mean, a lot of people fail or have to drop out of university, but I didn't let that stop me from going and trying. If I had listened to the people saying school was a waste of time, so many people fail etc. then I would not have gotten my degrees. A lot of people are let go from their jobs so should I not bother to work? Some people never get into their desired career so should they not even try? Many people change careers 2-3 times in their life and may only stay in a job for 10 years, so was that a total waste of time? Didn't those jobs fulfill their needs for a period of time? Even if I get married and it ends after 20 years, so what? 20 years is a long time and I want that experience. In twenty years I will be 54 and right now I'm not thinking about what my life will be like at 54, I'm focused on my present experiences and my desire for present happiness. Even though up to 1/3 marriages in Canada end in divorce prior to 30 years, who says I won't be in the other 2/3 that don't divorce? Some people let fear of failure prevent them from doing things in life, they may be underachievers, yet when it comes to marriage people act like these people are brave to not get married out of fear of divorce.

Well back to the feminist arguments, these may be considered "radical feminists" but many of them are well known, they have written books I have actually heard of, these books are often read in universities, and many of these women are lecturers, professors, and heads of women's studies departments. So I think I'm just going to post links to articles so that you can read and decide for yourself if there are some feminists who are against marriage and would rather have women become single mothers with no involvement from the fathers. Get mad at them, not me because I'm just providing links to things they have said that are readily available on the Internet and in their writings.

I did find one interesting quote stating that feminists need to tone down on the anti-marriage rhetoric because it puts them at odds with  liberal feminists and most other women...good advice. Let's add anti-marriage messages to my list of other reasons why I can't support Third Wave feminism and even some earlier wave feminism (also on the list: the ignoring of non-White women, man-hating statements, promoting promiscuity as liberating and empowering, endorsing single motherhood as though it's easy, and the rejection and ridicule of feminine women, women who try to look attractive, women who wear makeup and dresses, women who want to have relationships with men, women who would rather be stay at home moms than career women, women who don't want to compete with men, and women who don't want to act and look like men).

Articles about anti-marriage statements made by feminists:

  • Marriage and family: an ideological background: EXCELLENT! Apparently nowadays believing in marriage and having intact nuclear families is "conservative" when it used to just be "normal". Interesting that some feminists, such as Betty Friedan of The Feminine Mystique and Germaine Grier, were against marriage and their work was used to argue against marriage but later on they changed their minds! Some women spouting this stuff may end up changing their minds after millions of women listened and acted on their teachings.
  • Who wants to marry a feminist? Very interesting! When some feminists got married some other feminists called them traitors. 
  • Young, feminist, and...married
  • Can a person be a feminist and still believe in marriage?  Really good except the last two paragraphs. "Moderate, mainstream feminists have long rejected this animus against marriage; the vast majority of such feminists either are married or intend to marry...Radical to undermine the nuclear family of married father, mother, and children, which they label the “patriarchal family.” As feminist leader Betty Friedan has warned, this anti-marriage agenda places radical feminists profoundly at odds with the family aspirations of mainstream feminists and most other American women."
  • Criticism of marriage on Wikipedia (there is a part about feminist criticisms)
  • The case against marriage
  • Desperate feminist wives: Article describes large study showing that housewives are happier than women who have to work. "But the most interesting data may be that the women who strongly identify as progressive—the 15 percent who agree most with feminist ideals—have a harder time being happy than their peers, according to an analysis that has been provided exclusively to Slate. Feminist ideals, not domestic duties, seem to be what make wives morose. Progressive married women—who should be enjoying some or all of the fruits that Freidan lobbied for—are less happy, it would appear, than women who live as if Friedan never existed." WOW!
  • Straw feminists setting fire to marriage material: This is a woman giving her strong opinion.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I Think Promiscuous Men are Gross Too

It's puzzling whenever someone says they don't think women should be promiscuous and someone comes out and asks, "why aren't you talking about promiscuous men too, they always get a pass." I think they need to get used to the concept that people often focus on one issue at a time because the circumstances are different so they can not easily be combined with other issues! This is the case with promiscuity, the situation for men and the consequences are different from that of women. Yes, yes, yes it's an unfair double standard but that is today's reality. You can live in reality or fairy tale land, but the rest of the world will not act according to your fairy tale script.

Also, I think that there is a common belief (maybe true maybe false) that women are more able to control their sex drive than men (e.g., studies that say men think about sex every 15 seconds). There is this belief that men are more easily aroused and able to have sex with someone without any intimacy. These ideas may be wrong but most people believe this. Therefore it makes sense that people would try to talk to women if they feel women are more capable of saying no. It reminds me of the debate over having birth control pills for men, many women don't want it because they don't trust men to actually use it. Well, many people don't trust men to be able to say no to promiscuous women but they know women often turn down promiscuous men. So they instead try to convince women to not be promiscuous and to say no to men instead of the reverse.

More importantly, promiscuous men don't always get a pass, especially not with women.Why are you ignoring all the women who are turned off and upset with promiscuous men? Do they not count? Just because some men think these guys are cool that fact that most women don't means nothing? Stop saying men always get a pass for sleeping around because that is absolutely not true because many women don't like it. Just as men don't want relationships with promiscuous women, women don't want relationships with promiscuous men!

These are the reasons why I think promiscuous men are gross and I don't want to hang out with them or date them:

  1. Promiscuous men are only interested in you for sex. They don't care about you as a human being and they just want to use you for their needs. They are no better than someone who wants to use you for your money. They see you as a sex object and not a human being with feelings (or they just don't care about your feelings). They have no respect for you. This is just cold and heartless and who wants to associate with such a person.
  2. Promiscuous men will pretend they want a relationship with you but really they only want sex. They will talk about your future together, flatter you, and make you hopeful but it is all an act. They are con artists and pick up artists. Many use the same lines on different women once they come up with a winning routine. They are liars and fakes. They entice girls with the promise of a relationship (what these women want) but dump them once they get sex (what these men really want). It's like agreeing to purchase something from a salesman and they give you an entirely different product.
  3. Promiscuous men pressure and beg women to do something they don't want to do. They are specially skilled in convincing women that it's okay to have sex with them because everyone is doing it (lie), it's not a big deal (lie), it will be great (often a lie), and it's normal (entirely subjective). These men will pressure, beg, and push and push until women give in to what they initially said no to. They are the ultimate peer pressurers and manipulators. This is why it's hard to even be friends with promiscuous men because, especially when you are alone, they will try to have sex with you when you aren't even expecting it. You don't feel safe and relaxed around them because they are scheming to get you into bed. Beware of the types who keep trying to get you drunk, it's so that your inhibitions are lowered and you will give in to their pressure. They can be borderline rapists sometimes because they don't care about you and want sex from you no matter what.
  4. Promiscuous men are irresponsible because some get women pregnant, don't care if they have gotten women pregnant, or don't know if they have multiple children walking around. This is being totally irresponsible and indifferent. Many of these promiscuous men don't like to wear condoms I guess because they are so wrapped up in how good sex feels without one. I wish I could find the article, but there was one about three men who had 100 children combined and did not pay child support for any of them. In the news interview some of the women did not know the other women existed. Sometimes if you ask a man if he has any kids he will joke, "not that I know of", well YOU SHOULD KNOW and it's not a joke! I think that condoning the promiscuity of men and men just using women as sex objects is a major reason why there are so many out of wedlock children. The men did not bother to get to know or become emotionally attached to the mothers and since they only wanted sex, their responsibility ended after the sex act. It doesn't matter to them if a child was a result since they did not plan on making a child.
  5. Promiscuous men are often cheaters. They lie to women and pretend they are monogamous but they are sleeping with other women. These men do not make good partners because one woman can never satisfy them. So they lie and cheat. This endangers the women if he catches an STD. It ruins relationships all the time and often the man will say, "It was just sex. It didn't mean anything." When feminists argue that sex is no big deal then men can use this excuse when they cheat. If I know a man has had many sex partners I don't trust him and will not date him. The man has shown that he has a huge sexual appetite and has needed sex with many women. How can he possibly be satisfied with one woman? Plus, since he has had sex so many times he may be way more experienced than you so you will not satisfy him. Or he may have a preference for inexperienced women and once you sleep with him enough you will no longer be "innocent" enough for him. Either way, no one will convince me that a guy who has slept with over 100 women, often in one night stands, will be satisfied with one woman for a long period of time. I just won't trust such a man. 
  6. Promiscuous men will not protect you from lecherous men. They see this as interfering with another man's "game". So these men will sit back and watch you get harassed or even worse and never interfere. These men will not stand up and say their friend should not cheat, take home some girl from the bar, use a girl for sex and dump her etc. You do not want your man to hang out with such men because they will condone and maybe even pressure your man to be as promiscuous as they are. Promiscuous men peer pressure other men to just use women for sex. They make fun of men who don't want to approach a woman and who have few sex partners. 
  7. Promiscuous men often brag about their sex partners and can ruin a woman's reputation. You can not trust these men to keep quiet and although they had sex with you, they will tell others that you are a slut and turn them against you. These men have no respect for you because you had sex with them! So they have no problem telling the world about what you did and how awful you are for doing it. Do you remember John Mayer and how embarrassed Jessica Simpson was when he talked about having sex with her? Well this happens with celebrities and regular people all the time. If someone just sees you as a sex object then they don't care to protect your reputation and they will tell everyone what it was like to have sex with you. He may even encourage his friends to sleep with you so you will be "passed around". If you want a bad reputation, sleep with a promiscuous man. Promiscuous men also develop a reputation and are often called "players" or "playboys". Concerned people warn women not to date them and no one takes their relationships seriously. Their girlfriends will always be suspicious and accusing them of cheating so there will be no trust. Other men will not want these men around their women. People are surprised when promiscuous men have relationships and get married, they expect the man to cheat, and are not surprised when it happens (e.g., Kobe Bryant). 
  8. Promiscuous men send the message to other men that being promiscuous is fantastic. These men will brag about how much sex they have had with different women. They will act as though this makes them better and happier than other men and some men will actually believe them. Other men will then think that the reason why they are unhappy is because they are not having lots of casual sex. So they will try to do so by lying to girls to get sex and using them as sex objects. There is a whole pick up artist (PUA) community including books, videos, seminars, and online forums dedicated to the purpose of tricking or attracting women for sex. You will probably be disgusted by many of their techniques and stories. Some of these men may actually want relationships, but the PUA role models are looked up to due to the high numbers of sex partners and encounters they have had, not for their relationships. Unfortunately, according to studies described on Hooking Up Smart and other sites, neither men or women are usually satisfied with just having sexual relationships. So these men may not be happy in the long run, especially if they end up with an STD or an unwanted baby to support. Promiscuous men downplay the positives about having relationships in favour of casual sex encounters for men. This makes it difficult for women to find men who want to have relationships and get married. 
  9. Promiscuous men make other men look bad. After several experiences with promiscuous men who pretend they like you but only want sex, you may start to believe that all men are that way. You will become suspicious that when men talk about having a relationship with you and think it is just a lie to get you in bed. Then you become less trusting and open when a genuine nice guy comes around. This is what happens when women end up saying, "all men are dogs, cheaters, uncaring, and only in it for sex." Promiscuous and cheating men create these women and their innocence and openness is lost. They create bitter women. You feel like an idiot when a man tells you everything you dreamed of hearing , you give yourself to him, and he just dumps you because it was all a lie. Since you don't want this to happen again you are suspicious of every other man you know and every man you meet. This makes is harder for nice guys to get into relationships and it makes women cold towards them. So promiscuous men make it hard for men and women to start and maintain trusting relationships. When men cheat, women become suspicious of their future partners and this leads to paranoia and fights over those suspicions too. 
So as you can see I have many reasons why I think promiscuity should not be encourage or practiced by men too. In fact, I think that men being promiscuous is probably more harmful for society. Women trying to be like these men will just intensify the problem. If it's okay for women to be promiscuous then men will take advantage of that and be even more promiscuous. So I think it's best to discourage promiscuity for women AND men. Only a small minority prefer one night stands and friends with benefits to being in relationships. I would rather focus on making relationship-oriented people feel comfortable with their choice than worry about shaming the minority of people who choose to be promiscuous only for the pleasure (not due to peer pressure, low self-esteem, childhood abuse, trying to get a relationship etc.). So no, I do not support everyone's lifestyle choice and I don't have to. I disapprove of promiscuous men just as much as promiscuous women.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Empowerment or Sexism?

I just watched this video, by a feminist that totally contradicts all of the so-called feminists who act like it's empowering to sleep with as many men as you what whenever you want. Jenna Marbles said it differently but this vlogger is basically saying that some feminists may have fooled themselves into thinking being promiscuous is empowering and just embracing their sexuality (skip to 6:44 for the main point). This is why I can't get behind modern Third Wave feminism because they are often saying two completely opposing things so what am I supporting? If you support anything and everything then you really support nothing. All that stuff about "feminism just means you support equality" is way too simplistic and based too much on comparisons to men instead of just making sure women are happy and respected (i.e., different but equally valued and respected). The whole "men do it so women should be respected when they do it" argument sounds ridiculous when the behaviours in question are negative for everyone. For example, being promiscuous, drinking too much, swearing, fighting etc. are negative for men and women so why are women fighting to be respected when they do those things??? Things could be just as equal if men were encouraged to not do those things and stop seeing them as signs of masculinity! Let me put it this way, supporting promiscuity is supporting allowing men to use your body for their pleasure who don't care, respect, or want a relationship with you. Some will argue that many women get pleasure from the sex, but hey, prostitutes and porn stars get paid for their work and they might actually like it but are they not still being used? Women may say, "well I'm using the men too" but sorry, you are the ones who say we live in a patriarchal society where men are in power so no matter what, he has more power than you and is thus using you more than you are using him.

How is it possible that some people look at Lady Gaga and Katy Perry prance around half naked allowing themselves to be sex objects and they are shocked when the women say they are not feminists? (Katy Perry not a feminist video, Lady Gaga not a feminist video, Taylor Swift isn't a feminist either). Um wasn't that obvious? But to some younger women showing your body and sharing it with whomever is being an empowered woman and feminist! So basically it seems to me, being a feminist means being okay with anything other women do and doing anything you want so long as you don't shame or criticize other women, especially if they end up getting hurt! Oh actually that shaming and criticism thing is only okay any time you think another woman isn't being your ideal version of a feminist or any woman criticizes or shames another woman, then you are free to tear those people apart! I find it highly amusing that feminist Naomi Wolf is criticizing Katy Perry's Part of Me video (actual VIDEO and I like this song) for the army footage when past feminists fought so hard to get women into the army!?? So hey all you military women, you are anti-feminist! (sarcasm) Yeah, I guess feminists don't need military protection? Way to honor the troops Naomi :) To me that video is totally feminist and empowering so I'm not understanding why it's being called anti-feminist (it reminds me of the film G.I. Jane).

Lol I just can't drop this Jenna Marbles issue because I just read some feminist blogs and comments about it. It really seems like there is a group of young feminists who are REALLY naive and unable to distinguish fantasy ideals from reality. These young women are saying that they don't think twice about doing things that most people, through common sense, personal experience, or hearing horror stories would never do. Or most people would not be surprised and would take some responsibility if they did these things and something negative happened. It's as though these women are incapable of weighing the pros and cons and the possible negative and positive consequences of their actions. All they do is trust other people to not harm them, and work hard to brainwash the world into thinking women are incapable of protecting themselves from harm, and therefore shouldn't even bother trying. When there is some risk (e.g., 30% risk of unpreventable harm), instead of taking the common sense route of trying to protect themselves these women decide it is pointless trying to protect themselves in any way.

It's as if they think their belief that certain things are unfair is like some sort of shield that will protect them from harm. Or they just don't think about potential harm and instead are more focused on whether others will blame them for their misfortune after. They don't even think about how awful being harmed would be to them, long term effects (or even death) and use that fear to stop them from doing risky things. So these women want and support doing WHATEVER they want and act shocked when others do WHATEVER they want that ends up hurting them. I have a strong belief that women are learning this from schools or online reading not from their parents because any caring parent warns their kids to not do potentially dangerous things. Where's the common sense? Why is there NO considering of their personal responsibility to protect themselves and just finger pointing at others to protect and respect their rights? Have they never seen the news or heard of bad things happening? How can they not imagine that some people out there don't care to protect them and actually want to hurt them? Maybe they are just being hypocrites and saying they support doing things that they would never do because they actually know those things are terribly risky!

Ok, I guess it's not helpful to criticize feminists without suggesting solutions that could change my mind about them. So I suggest: 1) Feminist leaders need to make a fact sheet about what feminism actually is, maybe 1 page of numbered points outlining what they support and believe and what they don't support and believe. They need a brief and universal statement so people, including feminists, understand what feminism is. 2) State that they do not support the use of the word "slut" and that calling their march "Slutwalk" and wearing skimpy clothes during the march was a mistake. 3) State that they support women's choice to be traditional women who do not want to act like men and state this is not anti-feminist. You must fight for these women too. 4) State that they will not endorse or support women engaging in harmful behaviours just because men do it. 5) Stop insisting that all women are feminists instead of letting women choose whether or not they believe in your fact sheet. Women deserve the right to say whether or not they agree with you and you have no right to label them. 6) Admit that most feminists are privileged White women and that your work focuses on them. Then start helping underprivileged and minority women much more and stop ignoring them (e.g.,  fighting the misogyny in rap music and the ignoring of missing women of colour in the media). If feminists do these things then I will support them, until then I can't call myself a feminist. In the meantime I will just not use the label to describe my self and will just concisely state what I believe to avoid being misunderstood and judged for things I don't even believe. The onus is on feminists to define and inform themselves of who they are not on women to read numerous books and articles and come up with a vague idea.

Related Videos:
Video trying to figure out Lady Gaga is a feminist (good grief now in this video she says she is a feminist!)
Video trying to figure out if if Nikki Minaj is a feminist (OMG Nikki Minaj does not support promiscuity and thinks it lessens a woman's value!? She denies ever being loose or easy. The language is so foul I can't believe those little girls on Ellen are allowed to listen to her music)
Katy Perry and feminism
Katy Perry's aversion to feminism shows that feminism is still radical (EXCELLENT)
Are Taylor Swift and Katy Perry killing feminism? I guess slamming other women is okay as long as you identify as a feminist and they don't (sarcasm).
Don't go calling Taylor Swift a feminist (also mean and insulting. Actually I can think of a lot of really mean things written by feminists...maybe they should try to be nice like Taylor and then people wouldn't dislike them as much. Being mean to sweet girls really isn't endearing, you come off like bullies and snobs)
Taylor Swift is a feminist's nightmare (wow disagree 100% and I don't even know her music. Lol calls Beyonce evolved and Lady Gaga revolutionary (hmmm, been there done that with Janet Jackson and Madonna)
Why Taylor Swift offends little monsters, feminists, and weirdos (I think this person is insane)

Wow the video below is actually viewed by some as a bad influence and Lady Gaga videos are a much better influence???? Compare to Lady Gaga's Love Game video. These feminists would rather have young girls watching this instead of Taylor Swift??? Yes singing about playing the love game and riding someone's disco stick is revolutionary...maybe when Madonna and Janet Jackson did it decades ago...Another video is Paparrazi...yes so original singing about being famous and how great you are for being famous...killing your boyfriend is much cooler than just daydreaming about him right? I guess there is some message in Gaga's art that is getting lost in translation for me. I can relate to Tayor's video way more than Gaga's.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Irresponsibility of Women Who Support Promiscuity

Long Post lol! Well after writing my previous post, My issue with slut shaming, I watched several videos by women who were opposed to Jenna Marbles original video and you can see them below. I agree with a lot of what Jenna said (except for the language of course) and the response videos only add to my opinion that modern feminism is on the wrong path and not for me. You will notice that almost all of the videos are by young White women too who seem very similar in my opinion (educated, privileged looking, healthy looking and basically acceptable to society except maybe for some piercings and coloured hair, but still privileged). I also find it almost comical that these feminists are upset with Jenna for using the word "slut" yet they applauded a worldwide campaign called SlutWalk to embrace the word and the protection of "sluts"! If being a slut is so great why are you upset when she calls a spade a spade? It just supports the idea that taking back highly negative and emotionally/historically charged words is nonsense. I have seen only three videos that also support Jenna. Video 1, Video2, Video3.

In the opposition videos there seemed to be common sentiments. One was that the vloggers were in support of ANY frequency or amount of sex a woman had as long as it was "safe". They gloss over the fact that many STDs can still be transmitted when wearing condoms, condoms break, and birth control can fail. They say things like, "I would hope that if you decide to have many partners that you would use safe sex." you think this always happens? There are probably plenty of men and women who prefer sex without condoms and these are the ones spreading the diseases and having unwanted pregnancies. You advocate doing "what feels good" and to some people not wearing condoms feels good. When you sleep with your partner you are also sleeping with all of their previous partners and it just takes one condom break for a disease to be transmitted.

Also, many of these casual sex enthusiasts like to have sex at the spur of the moment and one night stands are not prepared with condoms. Women who like to get drunk/high and have sex are probably not sober enough to even think about safe sex. There are also women who are on birth control and decide to have sex, maybe even with a monogamous partner, without condoms and this is when STDs are transferred. These vloggers are ignoring these men and women who haven't been tested and don't know they are spreading STDs. Unless you get tested before having unprotected sex with your partner then you are at risk. Also, given that two people embrace the "do it if it feels good mentality", it takes just one of them to cheat without a condom to catch a disease and bring it home to their partner. Furthermore, men and women who are promiscuous may be more likely to seek out like minded partners and are therefore choosing to sleep with people who have also had many sexual partners (i.e., they seek out high risk partners) exposing them to even more danger.

Many even said they supported women who were promiscuous even though they did not chose that lifestyle for themselves! It's like, "Sure go ahead and put yourself at risk my sisters, but I'll just sit back here all safe and cheer you on while you ruin your life." Seriously, if what sluts do is so acceptable to you then why aren't you doing the same? Maybe it's not as great as you say it is since you have absolutely no experience with being promiscuous yet you are acting like there are no negative consequences as long as it is "safe" and consentual. Be wary of people who do this! What they are saying is based on philosophy, theorizing, and ideals not on actually experiencing what they are endorsing or the unforseen consequences. In my opinion what they say has much less weight than someone who is actually promiscuous and reports having no negative consequences. Its interesting that you never see women who actually look like prostitutes, 50 and never married, with 10 illegitimate children, claiming they have AIDS, multiple abortions etc. doing these pro promiscuity videos. I'm guessing that the women who actually lead these lifestyles are not proud of it and don't think it's great for some feminist reasons. These vloggers talk about this and that being okay yet they don't put themselves out there saying how many partners they have, if they have or ever had STDs, any abortions or unwanted pregnancies etc. They are supporting a lifestyle they have no experience with! Let me hear from the woman with 200 sex partners that having so many partners was great, she's proud of herself, and she doesn't regret a thing.

I really don't understand this whole "I respect whatever choices other people make as long as they don't affect me" crap. So you're a better and more moral person because you accept anything? In my opinion other people's sex lives do affect me because they spread STDs I could catch, they influence men who I want to date, they produce unwanted babies that some say are more prone to beahaviour problems and crime, or the kids end up in foster care and in need of adoption, and they influence what is expected of women like me. I readily admit that I do not respect many choices other people make even though they don't affect me because I think their actions are stupid, disgusting, or dangerous to other people in society. Yeah I care if someone watches/makes child pornography even if it's not me or my child, I care if someone rapes other women, if someone kills other people, if someone steals, if kids are dying from drugs, if 14 year olds are getting pregnant, if there are wars in other countries etc. and I will have opinions about those things because I care when other people are getting hurt or in danger! These "respect everything" people come off as being accepting but they are actually callous and uncaring as long as it doesn't affect them. You support others being promiscuous but it is them, NOT YOU who have to deal with the consequences! I don't want to deal with the consequences of promiscuous people so I don't support their actions. If you support their actions then maybe you need to help them with the consequences and take responsibility for what you endorsed. The vloggers watched Jenna's video and only cared about the promiscuous women who could feel insulted instead of recognizing that Jenna was trying to PROTECT young girls and women from getting hurt by being promiscuous. See the pattern? These women care more about not blaming women for what they do and not making them feel bad after the fact instead of persuading them to avoid doing things that could get them seriously hurt with long term repercussions! (It's women like this who protest against women trying to protect themselves from rape and only focus on not blaming them for anything after it happens, all that caring is useless if the woman is dead.)

What I also noticed was that the vloggers seemed to be living in a fairytale land where they state their idealistic desires as though they are reality and the thoughts of most people. They say things like, "it doesn't matter how many partners a woman has", well it doesn't matter to you but it matters to most people even if it's not fair. They state, "a woman should be respected no matter how many casual sex partners she has" while ignoring the FACT that most people today do not respect such women! Maybe 50 years in the future such statements will be facts, but right now they are not. The responsible thing to say is that at the present, women who are promiscuous are rarely respected and they may suffer negative social consequences for their behaviour. They are being incredibly irresponsible by ignoring the current reality. I understand that they are trying to change reality but until this reality is changed it is their responsibility to inform people of the potential consequences of their actions in this day of age.

These vloggers ignore many potential negative consequences of having sex with whoever you want whenever you want. These are things that the casual sex advocates conveniently fail to mention but they are things that many women know and warn their friends and daughters about. I feel that some of these casual sex advocates are like permissive parents who are okay with anything their kids do while not protecting them by setting limits and warning them about potential dangers. Everyone already knows the dangers of STDs and unwanted pregnancies so I'll skip over those. Your can probably think of women in your life or the news/entertainment media who have experienced these consequences. Of course there may be positive consequences to each situation too. These are some examples just off the top of my head:

  1. If you sleep with your boss it may make things uncomfortable at work if things don't work out. Some people actually consider this to be rape or sexual harassment so your desire to feel good could blow up into a court case and everyone you know could find out about it. You may feel obligated to continue having sex in order to keep your job. You may also be fired and have to file a wrongful termination suit that you may not win. Your coworkers may lose respect for you, dislike you, and you could gain a reputation for sleeping your way to the top. It could hurt your career. Of course some women marry their bosses.
  2. Related to #1, if you have sex with a coworker and things don't work out then you may be uncomfortable when you continue working with them. Sometimes working with the person becomes impossible and you may need to quit. Other coworkers may find out, gossip about you, and lose respect for you. You may develop a bad reputation at your work or even in your field. If your job has a policy of no dating between coworkers you could be fired. It may interfere with your work productivity. If things don't work out with your partner they may make your life miserable at work especially if they have more power. Of course some women marry their coworkers.
  3. Many vloggers said sleeping with married/coupled people is wrong but this may happen intentionally or unintentionally. Men often have affairs or one night stands with promiscuous women who have sex before getting to know them and realizing that they are not single. You may end up breaking up a relationship without even knowing it because you had sex too fast. If a woman thinks sex is no big deal then she may not have a problem sleeping with married/coupled men. The availability of promiscuous women makes it more easy for men to cheat and that will end up hurting their partners. If you are in a couple then promiscuous women are a threat to you. They can ruin your marriage or relationship, transmit disease, and cause unwanted pregnancies. 
  4. If you are a young person then being promiscuous could get you in big trouble with your parents. No parent will be proud if they find out their 17 year old daughter has had 30 sex partners aged 14-50. They will be disappointed and possibly disgusted with you. They may choose to punish you or do something to restrict your freedom. 
  5. If you are attending school and being promiscuous with other students then you could gain a bad reputation and be labeled a "slut". Few boys at school will see you as girlfriend material and they will just try to get sex with you. Most girls at school will have little respect for you and may not want to associate with you out of fear that they will also be labeled. You may become a victim of bullying and social isolation, or you may be end up hanging out with the wrong crowd. This bad reputation may follow you to other schools and throughout your community. There have been cases of girls with bad reputations actually committing suicide due to bullying. Calling yourself a "slut" or getting yourself a bad reputation by being promiscuous is a very bad idea!
  6. If you are promiscuous with many men in your neighborhood you could gain a bad reputation and be labeled a "slut". This may make it difficult for you to find a relationship in your community because most men don't want relationships with women their friends and family members have slept with or with women who have bad reputations. You may be harassed more by men who feel entitled to have sex with you. Other women may harass you and not want you around out of fear you will sleep with their men. 
  7. There may be negative psychological consequences for being promiscuous. They may not be experienced by everyone. You may enjoy the sex at the moment but after you may feel guilty or bad about what you did. You may feel bad and used when you sleep with someone you like and they never contact you again. Or if you sleep with someone and they kick you out of their place, laugh at you, insult you, or tell all of their friends and laugh at you then you will feel horrible. It doesn't matter if all your feminist girlfriends respect you because it still hurts when the men you sleep with do not. Many men who would sleep with you without a relationship or when you are a stranger HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU and they see you as no more than a pleasure object to throw away after. Are you okay with someone thinking of and treating you that way? Some people reason that only a woman who doesn't respect herself would tolerate being with men who don't respect her so that's why they say promiscuous women don't respect themselves. You are risking all of this when you sleep with someone who has not shown they care about you. You may feel unworthy when other women have relationships but you only get one night stands. Or you may feel bad when other women get commitment before sex and you only get sex without commitment. You may question your self-worth. If you develop a reputation then the gossip and negative comments may make you feel bad. You may be socially excluded and feel bad about that. 
  8. You may be harassed by men who know your reputation. Your family, friends, and kids may find out and they could also be harassed. In fact in one video a woman said she supported other women being porn stars...imagine the effect that would have on your dating life, reputation, and your kids. I know for a fact that some women who engaged in porn have lost opportunities as soon as their history was discovered. If you have a reputation for being promiscuous that could follow you for many, many years. You may meet men who you really like who will reject you once they learn of your reputation and how many partners you have had. Their friends and family members may also try to convince the men that you are not good enough for them. If you sleep around too much it may become difficult to find a man in your social circles so it may be harder for you to find a partner. If it is hard for you to find a partner you may end up alone or settling for someone you don't want. 
As you can see from this post, there are many reasons why I think encouraging promiscuity for women is a bad idea. In fact I think promoting promiscuity for men is also a bad idea. Many of the vloggers complained that men suffer no consequences for being promiscuous but I disagree. Often women warn their friends to stay away from "players" (aka "man sluts") because these men have reputations for using women for sex. Many women avoid men who look like players because players have a certain look (e.g., greased back hair, open shirts, chains, walk with a limp, always flirting with women even when in a relationship, cheesy pick up lines, ogling women's bodies, cat calling, proposing sex too quickly etc.). The only women who go for such men are the ones who want something from them (e.g., money or fame), don't care about cheating, or think they will change the men. These men are not desirable. Many women will not date or sleep with men who their friends/family have also been with so promiscuous men can not get these women. These men may end up single for long periods of time and lose relationships because they cheat. Women don't want cheaters so this will also make them more undesirable. Personally, I have refused to date men who seemed like players, have admitted they cheated in the past, and who had reported having too many sex partners. So no, these men may be admired by other men but it makes them less desirable to many women. 

As for the whole "why don't you focus more on telling men not to rape" argument. Well, other than telling men "no means no" and don't sleep with drunk girls I think pretty much, MEN KNOW RAPE IS WRONG. I believe men plan to rape (i.e., get sex no matter what) and it doesn't just happen by accident. That is why they plan to do it, they seek out vulnerable victims, do it in private places, and do things to not get caught. That is why they threaten victims to not tell, choose someone less likely to tell and even kill their victims. They know it is wrong! Murderers know what they are doing is wrong too unless they are mentally ill or incapacitated in some way. That is why we don't need public service announcements about not murdering because everyone knows it is wrong! But just like murder, rapists do it because THEY DON'T CARE THAT IT IS WRONG, they think the benefits outweigh the risks, and they think they won't get caught. I believe some men will rape when they get the opportunity but many will not because they think it's wrong and care that it's wrong. The rapists just need to be locked up. But you know what, go ahead start and anti-rape campaign and see it it reduces crime rates, maybe you are right.

Video 1: This woman is a sex educator and seems to have an anything goes attitude based on her other videos. So this is who is teaching your kids about sex folks. She's telling your teenagers have as much sex with whoever they want as long as they use protection. Teenaged orgies at your house are ok in her book I'm guessing. She says that there were three main points from Jenna's video: 1) Sluts don't respect themselves, 2) Respecting yourself means not having a lot of sex with different men, and 3) Sluts are really stupid women who don't deserve our respect. Those were not the messages I took from the video. The main messages for me were: 1) Sex with many partners, especially those you don't know is dangerous, 3) Sex with many partners you don't know isn't worth it because it isn't fulfilling, and you will feel bad after if your partners don't care about or respect you, 3) All forms of sex count so you are still being promiscuous even if not having vaginal sex, 4) Comparisons to the promiscuity of animals is unrealistic because people have higher cognitive function and morals and emotions related to sex and animals don't, so don't look to animals for examples of healthy sex. Lol she has no problem saying all people are stupid...

Video2: According to this woman having sex with a long-term monogamous partner is just as risky as one night stands while ignoring all the benefits of monogamous relationships. Also, she says its good for OTHER PEOPLE to look out for drunk girls with no mention of the personal responsibility of these girls to not get blackout drunk in the first place. Yes, like many feminists this vlogger places the onus on rapists to not rape and for other people to prevent the rape of women who CHOOSE to get blackout drunk.  Hmm, but didn't you say people shouldn't be concerned when other people's behaviour doesn't affect them? If other women getting blackout drunk and raped doesn't affect me then it's none of my business right? (sarcasm) The thing is, many women and men think promiscuous women are actually being harmed even if they don't realize it at the time. So telling them to "not be sluts" is an attempt to protect them and this was the overwhelming message in Jenna Marbles video! It's always interesting to see people say over and over that they don't care what others do yet get furious when someone merely says they don't like what other people do...I guess what other people do doesn't bother them, only what other people say? Basically women like this are more focused on not hurting someone's feelings after they do something/something bad happens rather then telling women not to do something risky and how to avoid bad things.

Video5: Interesting how she blames women like Jenna for men mistreating sluts and raping women...what happened to that whole blaming men for mistreating women and for rape thing? Sure, if all women stopped looking down on the promiscuous ones then men will stop preferring virgins, be cool with women having 100+ partners, and have won't think twice about marrying the girl who slept with his entire football team...sarcasm. If I grew up hanging with women like this I would have over 100 partners by now because they would never discourage me from having sex with anyone and would tell me it's okay. I mean do these women ever look out for their friends? "A duh sure Elegance, I support your choice to take heroin, have a gangbang with a bunch of strange men in an alley, and oh I support your choice to film it too because I respect you", I don't need friends like that.

Ask Men article: A MUST READ! "An object that has value is worshipped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life...Most women don't realize the importance men place on a woman's promiscuity. Women think that because men don't care about how many women they've slept with, they won't care about how many men their woman has slept with. But the reality is that most men (those looking for a serious relationship and not a one-night stand) do place great value on a woman's sexual restraint."

Has the price of sex bottomed out? EXCELLENT MUST READ!
Feminism produced price drop for sex, price hike for commitment EXCELLENT MUST READ!

Monday, December 17, 2012

My Issue With Slut Shaming

Please watch these two videos. The language may be hard to listen to because there is swearing in the first one, they are talking about sex, and the second video is heartbreaking and talks about rape.

So what is my commentary on slut shaming and these two videos? Some of my comments here are going to be personal and revealing but here goes...Well do you remember when schools, public service announcements, and the media were all about resisting peer pressure and media messages about sex? Remember when they were telling young people to wait to have sex until you were ready, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, and  it's better when you are in a loving relationship? Remember when people warned girls that some guys will just use them for sex so don't give it to them easily? Remember when people warned you to ignore those who said "it's okay, everyone's doing it, it's fun, it's no big deal" and just say "no" if you are uncomfortable with having sex? I wonder what happened to that.

Now, although there are still intellectuals and media campaigns about the dangers of too much sex on TV, the Internet, and advertising there is a new and different message being sent. The message is that its fine, healthy, and normal for women (and men) to have casual sex (sex without a relationship, with strangers, one night stands, friends with benefits) and that this is actually an empowered choice, very fulfilling, and it makes many women very happy. Where did this message come from? Well I think it arose from women who like to have causal sex with multiple partners trying to normalize their behaviour and stop society from making them feel bad about it. So they used arguments about sexism, misogyny, and biology to support their argument that women having casual sex with multiple partners is normal and should be accepted because they apparently enjoy it. They did this so that their lifestyle choices would be accepted. So these women fight slut shaming because it is used to make such women feel bad about their choices...their feelings get hurt when they are called "sluts".

I am more old fashioned I suppose so the warnings and messages of the past (e.g., resist peer pressure, sex is better in a loving relationship etc.) were appropriate for me. I actually wish I was stronger and had been able to resit more of the peer pressure. Let me explain. If after a few dates a guy was to invite me to his place and say "Elegance, I think you are the most amazing woman and I want us to be exclusive. Will you be my girlfriend?" I would be SO HAPPY. This is what I want and this is what I am looking for. Instead I get "let's do it, it's no big deal, you will like it" with no promise or even a discussion of a relationship. In fact I have even gotten "let's do it but I'm still dating other women". I am not happy whatsoever when I am told those things. I feel incredibly disappointed because it is not what I want or what I am looking for. But sometimes I went along with it in the hopes that after a while I would get what I wanted, to be someone's girlfriend. Unfortunately, like many women's experiences, this rarely happened and instead I ended up doing something I didn't even want to do, did not really enjoy or remember, and I never ended up getting what I wanted.

So for me, all the talk about how great sex was and how enjoyable casual sex can be was ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE for me. It was like propaganda saying casual sex was so great when it really wasn't. These pro casual sex messages made it seem as though being a girlfriend was equal to having causal sex in terms of enjoyment, pleasure, and feeling good about myself. To me they are not equivalent! I would rather have numerous boyfriends with minimal sex rather than numerous sexual experiences with minimal boyfriends. But the latter is being promoted by certain modern women as being equally satisfying. It may be to some, but I don't think that most women want this. By fighting to have causal sex be acceptable for women, women who don't enjoy or want casual sex are made to feel like prudes, like they are missing something, and something is wrong with them. Because of this, after a few dates these women consent to have sex (when they don't really want to) without the man having to make any commitment.

They have been convinced that this is the modern way of doing things and it is okay if you end up with 100 sexual partners in a lifetime. The problem with this is that most men are turned off by women who have so many sexual partners! Each time they have casual sex not only are they putting themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancies and diseases, but they are also making themselves less attractive to men who are actually interested in committing to them and these are the men they actually want! So by caving to the pro casual sex messages these women are reducing their chances of having the relationships they actually want. And it's other women who are exerting the pressure, especially feminists! Of course men do this in private because they want to have sex whenever they want but women, especially feminists, are practically doing media campaigns promoting this! Although SlutWalk was promoted as marching to protect victims to sexual assault from being blamed, to many people it appeared as though they were encouraging the acceptance of the term "slut" and behaviour associated with sluts. Being a slut is being pushed towards being the new normal for women and shows like Sex and the City contributed to this normalization.

Point #1 women have actually contributed to their objectification and being thought of as sexual objects who are open to casual sex by fighting against slut shaming. If being a slut is seen as normal then those who want to be abstinent will be seen as abnormal and passed over for easier sex. If most women give up sex easily then other women will feel pressure to have sex so that they are not passed over. The price of sex is lowered. In the past, sex required a man to pay for dates and be monogamous, now some men don't even pay for one date and they can get sex. I think I read about this on Hooking up Smart. The message of not caving to peer pressure has been replaced with a message that it is okay to have sex with anyone you want, whenever you want and relationships and sex are two different things. It's fine to have sex with multiple partners without having a personal connection or relationship and if you have a problem with this you are repressed and not accepting of you true sexual nature. In fact, there are even women proposing that is it unnatural for people to be monogamous so there is no need for marriage or relationships at all! These are some of the women behind the anti slut shaming rhetoric.

Now playing hard to get and waiting for commitment before sex is seen as unusual, strange, old fashioned, and abnormal among some people. As you can see in the second video, stating that you think the slut lifestyle is undesirable, gross, or dangerous can also be equated with blaming women for rape!!! Seriously! In the first video the woman said that she did not understand why women wanted to sleep with so many partners and that it was possibly dangerous to go home with strangers and in the second video this was interpreted as the woman blaming women for being raped! The story of the rape was horrible and sad but I do not think it is fair to link the two. I also don't agree AT ALL with women being encouraged to trust that no one will ever take advantage of them so they should throw all caution and commonsense to the wind.

Women must do whatever they can to protect themselves. Let me use an example (maybe a poor one that will get me crucified). Suppose you baked a delicious cake for your friends to eat at a public bar. You decide to leave the cake on the bar while you go call your friends. When you come back people have eaten the cake. Yes, people took a cake that was not theirs because they wanted it (not everyone did) and they did not think they would get in trouble for it. You are partially to blame because you trusted people not to eat your cake and you did not take precautions to protect it even though YOU KNOW people will be tempted to eat it. YOU KNOW people will try to eat food left out in a public place but you still DECIDED to leave it unguarded and risk having someone eat it (now if they bashed you over the head and grabbed it out of your hand you would not be to blame because that is not normal behaviour). You are all to blame but it is you who wasted your time making it, will feel taken advantage of, and your friends will all be disappointed while all the thieves are perfectly happy and blaming you for leaving it there. Now you can place your head in the sand and believe that all strangers are honorable and there to protect your interests or you can face reality that they will 98% of the time place their interests above yours. YOU have to protect yourself and your interests and stop expecting strangers to do it for you. A drunk driver is never seen as a victim because something bad happened after they got behind the wheel. When you are intoxicated you are impaired and bad things can happen so don't get intoxicated in situations where bad things can happen.

My Point #2 is, thieves/rapists are WRONG and ENTIRELY RESPONSIBLE for their crimes but you have to protect yourself from these people as best you can. RAPE VICTIMS ARE NOT SLUTS! However, people are suspicious of those who do not make efforts to protect themselves because it doesn't make sense to them that you would be so trusting. So as a result they may not believe you when you say you are a victim. I can't do anything about that other than trying to not be a victim. We all know that there are dangerous people out there and we have to protect ourselves from them because we are the ones who will suffer after they hurt us.

UPDATE: I just had to add this VIDEO. This is what anti slut shaming women think. This is a feminist. These are the women your daughters may be listening to. Do you like what you hear? I find it horrifying! This is a WOMAN telling other woman what she finds acceptable, I'm sure the boys love her. Also, PLEASE watch this VIDEO, it's long but very worth it. It's by a Black woman who thinks exactly the way I do about the issue :)

UPDATE #2: Apparently Jenna and her boyfriend have broken up and now her video is making sense. I'm guessing that he cheated with some promiscuous woman and that was the cause of the breakup. So naturally, after being hurt by "a slut" Jenna made a video about how she doesn't understand similar women. Some people actually guessed that this was what happened because her video was different from the one's she usually makes. It is notable though that many of the women doing videos in support of promiscuity said that sleeping with other women's boyfriends was NOT OKAY and this may be what actually happened. Therefore these women should understand Jenna's anger at a woman who ruined her relationship. On the other hand, maybe due to the breakup Jenna does not like the prospect of being single and having casual sex so she wanted to understand why other women seem to like it.

So now that these vloggers and bloggers know what happened will they have any empathy for Jenna and understand why she did the video? Is a woman allowed to slut-shame the home wrecker who ruined her relationship or does she have to support that woman's right to do whatever feels good?  This is the reason why people don't like sluts, because many of them sleep with taken men and if they were not around fewer men would be able to cheat. Of course the boyfriend is the more guilty one because he was in a relationship but the promiscuous woman was aiding and abetting his crime. Also she not allowed to look at someone else's lifestyle and, due to freedom of speech, say that she doesn't understand it and finds it disgusting and stupid? She has the right to her opinion and there are many sexual things people do that I think are disgusting and I have the right to say it. People are free to think whatever they want, but of course if they say something they may face negative consequences. Jenna has now learned this. But those who promote promiscuity have to deal with the consequences of their actions and what they say too!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Great Shows With Desirable Black Women

This is a followup to my previous posts, Great TV shows starring Black women and List of shows starring Black women. There are a lot of great shows out there and there are some new ones starting next year so I'm excited!

1) I have to of course start with Scandal again, my favorite guilty pleasure every Thursday...mmm Scandal...That show gives me the vapors! Each episode doesn't always have a romantic scene between Olivia Pope and the President but when it happens...well you will hear numerous OMGs from me and I will either be holding my mouth shut or clutching my chest. The show is THE BEST THING EVER for me. The amazing thing is that now Kerry Washington is 'the Black Actress of the moment' on television and she is a feminine and elegant Bl
ack woman! She is on all the magazine covers and people are looking at her and desiring her. When she poses for photos she is a lady and always wearing feminine clothing. I am so happy for her and happy for Shonda Rhimes for creating this amazing show!

2) People who love Science Fiction should really give Eureka a try! The show has wrapped after five seasons but it was really enjoyable, funny, and cute. Sally Richardson Whitfield is the lead female on the show and she is GORGEOUS! She was pursued by three different men on the show and these men wanted to marry her. She also had some nice wardrobe pieces. Also, in the last two seasons there was another Black female character played by Tembi Locke. Including male actors and children there were 5, yes 5 Black characters on the show towards the end!

3) Suits is such a great lawyer show! I just love the dialogue and the office politics. The reason I started watching the show was to see EBW Gina Torres shine! She is drop dead gorgeous, in charge, and well dressed on the show. Unfortunately she hasn't had any romantic relationships on the show really so I hope this is remedied. However Meghan Markle is also on the show and she is the love interest! So this show actually has 1.5 Black women :) This show will show you how to wear a pencil skirt.

4) Franklin and Bash is a funny and entertaining show with lots of eye candy! Incredibly again this show has 2 Black actresses! EBW Garcelle Beauvais stars as a lawyer and Dana Davis works as Franklin and Bash's private investigator. I need to see the women in more romantic scenes though please!

5) Castle is a great detective drama that actually has 2 Black actresses! They are not the leads but they are part of the cast. Penny Johnson stars as the police chief and she is hard as nails like every police chief on television. You will remember her is as the evil President's wife on 24. Also Tamala Jones stars as the medical examiner and she does have a romantic pairing for a while. She is very cute :)

6) I just got into watching Revenge after seeing images of it on Tumblr. Well Ashley Madekwe is a member of the cast and she is an attractive and desirable woman. The first season was CRAZY and I loved it! This season is a bit more soap opera-ish but still great. I LOVE all the amazing dresses everyone wears on the show! They are all highly feminine women. Also, for all those people who love to bash the adultery in Scandal...Madeline Stowe is the lead villian and she is also an adulterer as is almost everyone else.

7) I really like the show Nikita! I really liked the original show that aired in the 90s too. This version is different but just as exciting and filled with sexy spies. In the first season Tiffany Hines is a pretty mean girl unfortunately but she's there. In the second season Lyndie Greenwood is a very feminine computer expert who is romantically linked to Birkhoff, the original computer expert (who fantasizes about her). She has an adorable wardrobe ;)

8) At first I didn't like Warehouse 13 but it grew on me. This is a science fiction sort of show where the agents have to collect items that have special powers. Genelle Williams is a member of the cast but she doesn't do much...but she's there with awesome natural hair lol. Also CCH Pounder has a recurring role so the show employs 2 Black actresses!

9) Fringe is another great science fiction show that I believe is in it's last season. Jasika Nicole stars as adorable Astrid also with amazing hair I love to watch! I didn't like this show at first either because it seemed so technical and I had to pay such close attention to understand what was happening. But after a while I got used to the dialogue and got into the story. It's the kind of show, like Lost (same creators), where you really have to see every episode and pay attention to everything so you can understand what's happening. Unfortunately there were no romantic relationships for Astrid :(

10) The Secret Circle was a great show about teenaged witches starring adorable Jessica Parker Kennedy. I enjoyed it but it was cancelled after one season. I hear she is on a show called Teen Wolf with another Black actress, Bianca Lawson.

11) I am hesitant to mention The Vampire Diaries because I HATE THIS SHOW but I guess other people like it. I just watched it for the good looking guys but it stars Kat Graham as a witch. She did have a romantic paring but she doesn't get enough of it to satisfy me. I hate how she keeps getting hurt helping her selfish and dangerous vampire friends.

So that is A LOT of shows staring Black women. I don't play the 'she's biracial, too light, or she's not Black enough game' so comments about that will probably be deleted. After doing this post it's pretty amazing to see that there are shows that actually employ two Black actresses usually without any Black males in the cast to pair with them. So it's like when they cast for a minority role they are giving them to the women on these shows. Plus, on almost all of the shows where the Black woman has a romantic interest that relationship is interracial. Maybe this is because they filled their 'quota' for minority roles on the show. Or maybe it is because they are no longer trying to make sure Black people are only paired with other Black people so they just pair up their cast members regardless of race. I actually think that is progress because they are allowing Black actresses to play roles that don't focus on race that a woman of any race could play. I also notice that none of these shows actually focus on race at all which is amazing (and maybe why they don't care about interracial relationships). A lot of these shows are the ones you would see on the Sci Fi Channel so if you are not into these types of shows then you are missing out on all of these great actresses.

Shonda Rhimes is really making things happen!

Women who Belittle Men Who Prefer Feminine Women

First I have to say that I think many BW are very feminine but of course many are not. Anytime a study comes out saying something comparing BW to other women REMEMBER, these are based on the OPINIONS and PREFERENCES of study participants (anywhere from 10-1000 or more people) not every living human being. Sometimes the participants are not even aware of their preferences (e.g., what a questionnaire indicates a person prefers may be different from what they say out loud) so the study may indicate they don't prefer BW but they may find many attractive, have dated them, and could fall in love with  specific BW. It is not a conspiracy to study such issues. Usually a researcher or student gets a grant or needs to complete a study to get their degree. So they think of something that interests them, their supervisor, or the funding agency. They include race because previous studies included race and it's pretty standard. In fact, studying anything without trying to include different races would be exclusionary and biased because it would be using White people as the norm. If there are significant results related to race then they discuss them in relation to similar previous findings or make up their own theory. With a lot of this research there is no government decision that society needs these studies (e.g., studies about BW dating) but someone is just curious about dating and unfortunately finds results that are not flattering for BW. REMEMBER these studies are done all the time and for every one you hear about there were probably 1000s that you didn't hear about, didn't have the same results, or were flawed. Also, if you are a feminine BW then this post is not about you. Now on to my post :)

Today I read a very interesting post HERE about a study showing that the study participants tended to rate Black people (men and women) as being more masculine and Asian people (men and women) as being more feminine. Also men who had strong preferences for feminine women preferred Asian women over BW. The results did not say that all humans on earth think that all BW are 100% masculine compared to all other women on earth so no need to freak out. We've heard it before, it's nothing new. But what I find interesting are the comments! It made me wonder how many times people have to repeat a criticism before someone will listen. I don't believe that merely being a woman makes you feminine and that anything a woman does must therefore be feminine (e.g., Julie shaves her beard therefore facial shaving and having a beard is feminine. Ridiculous right?). I also don't bother with those arguments that having dark skin is what makes the average Western person think BW are more masculine because that is rarely why people voice the criticism. They say it because of the woman's behaviour, demeanor, feminine facial features and hair, body, clothing, interests, voice etc (e.g., Rosie O'Donnell is not more feminine than Naomi Campbell or Kerry Washington). This 'BW are too hard criticism' plays out like this one (I'll use bad body odour as an example):
Father says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, all women have smelled like this since the 60s.
Grandma says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, women today smell different, you're too old fashioned.
Classmate: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not used to my unique scent.
Friend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: You're just jealous that you don't smell like me and you never will.
Guy on the street says: Miss you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just mad because I don't want you. You don't even know what it means to smell good.
Boyfriend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not a real man so you can't handle the way a real woman smells.
Group of 60 random people say: Tia you smell.
Tia says: No I don't this is a conspiracy to keep me down. 

How many times do different people, even those who care about you, have to voice the same criticism before you consider, 'Hmmm, maybe I do smell worse than other women. Maybe I need to start using deodorant soap, mouthwash, scented lotion, perfume, scented detergent, and better smelling products. Maybe I even need to see a doctor. If all of these people say I smell then maybe I do!' Or one can argue and end up smelly, undesirable, and alone. Now just substitute the "smell bad" part with "are too masculine". BW will fight this tooth and nail and deny, deny, DENY that anything about them is any less than the epitome of femininity. Well maybe your idea of femininity is pretty much everyone else's idea of masculinity! You are mixed up and need to find out what other people mean when they say feminine and masculine.

I just don't understand it. Well I'm guessing that of course people don't like being criticized so it is a defense mechanism. So they will talk about why their masculine traits aren't really masculine, every woman has them, there is something wrong with women who are more feminine (e.g., weak, doormats, ugly, vapid, don't carry themselves well etc.), and of course a vast conspiracy against Black women. The denials will rely on some of the examples above, slavery, racism, and frequently the accusation that there is something deficient about the men who prize women who are ultra feminine! The common statement is that men who want traditionally feminine women (e.g., men who want Asian women) are weak so they want a weak woman to control since, according to the commenter being very feminine means being very weak and docile. Oh yes, they think Asian women are weak. Well I'd rather be weak, happily married, placed on a pedestal, and seen as the ideal woman than being strong and having none of that. Are these 'real men' really that into women like you or would they actually prefer feminine women too? Feminine women are just attractive to most heterosexual men and masculine women are not attractive to most heterosexual men. There is nothing wrong with men who want feminine women.

It's really interesting hearing women insult these men since based on their preference, the men are not ambiguous about their sexual preference. On the other hand, if a man said he wanted a strong woman to tell him want to do, wear the pants, who looked and acted very masculine I'd wonder if he wouldn't rather be with a man. I would think that this individual is less masculine and more like a woman. Also for very masculine women, what kind of men do they end up with? I haven't read the study on that one. I wonder how good or long their relationships are when compared to feminine women. Are their men great catches or do they have to settle for whoever will take them? If a woman decided to change and become more feminine would she be happier with the type of partner she ends up with?

I think it's time to forget about all the conspiracies and historical references because the average person saying a specific BW is masculine isn't thinking about those things. They (like most people) have ideas of what  characterizes a feminine woman and a masculine man and when a woman has a lot in common with this masculine man idea then that woman is labeled "masculine". It's like that game, 'One of these things doesn't belong'... among other women the masculine ones just stand out. No need to watch Roots or take a gender studies class to see the difference, a child could see it. I think that some men have to just face the truth that they don't line up well with the masculine ideal just as some women have to face the truth that they don't line up well with the feminine ideal. That does not mean that there is something wrong with people who prefer those ideals...that's why they are called 'ideals' in the first place.

I think the reason for me writing the post is for BW to take a self-examination of their feminine and masculine traits. Read a description of a feminine woman and a masculine man and see who you share more traits with. If you share a lot of traits with the man then you are more masculine, if you share very few then you are more feminine. If you are so great then accept that you are a masculine woman and understand that many people also think you are a masculine woman. Men are not less than real men if you are not attractive to them. You just are not their type and they are not your type either. But if you want other people to think that you are very feminine then....look and act more feminine! You may have to just do more, more than other women, if you don't want to be stereotyped as masculine. Obviously if studies like this bother you so much you actually do want to be more feminine. All BW can do to make the world see us as being more feminine is to just be more feminine. Easiest solution and the most logical.