Friday, March 6, 2020

Updates: I Don't Want to Get Married Anymore

Hey Ladies,

I haven't written here in ages. I still love femininity and believe most of what I previously wrote on this blog. But in the past few years my view of men and marriage has dramatically changed. I have to admit, part of the reason for this change was actually the Me Too movement.

What happened you ask? Well all of a sudden high profile men, some who I thought were "nice", turned out to be horrible brutes. So many women were victims. I started to reflect on how men have treated me, including men in my own family. In the past, maybe I blamed myself for certain things but really, many men hurt me and treated me like I was simply there to serve their needs and desires and they didn't care about me. I have written about these things in the before, but Me Too finally woke me up to some hard realizations and things I had been denying.

1) I had been basing my self-worth on whether or not a man chose me and loved me. I started to question my unconscious beliefs. It was like somehow, I couldn't be that bad if some man loved me. But who is he to decide my worth? How could my worth and value be based on whether some man wanted to sleep with me or we got along? What was so great about him that made his opinion and feelings so important? If a mean, mentally ill, cheating, unattractive, or boring woman had a man then why did that mean she had more worth than me? I really never questioned these things before.

It's really shocking when you decide to stop dating and realize that so many daily choices were related to what men would think or want (e.g., shave your legs, wear your hair down, don't get big muscles, don't have a lot of sex partners, don't get too busy, etc). Many negative thoughts I had about my looks boiled down to "a man wouldn't like that". Women have been raised from birth to think about what their future partner would want, but men are never told, "Improve your looks, learn auto mechanics, excel at martial arts or else no woman would want you." No, they just do what they like. I want to be free to be who I want and not care if men approve.
2) Men cheat and abuse, even the "nice ones". It seems like a lot of men (not all) just want a woman as a sex doll and maid. Some ugly pos like Harvey Weinstein has a successful business, a beautiful wife, and the whole time he's raping and ruining women's lives! How dare they do this to us! As soon as he was caught his wife left him. I don't know if she knew anything, but was the money, his personality, or whatever worth it to be with the likes of him??? Are men worth it? This is all my personal opinion, but all I see are potential drawbacks of being married and I think the positives are all short-lived or fairy-tales from romantic comedies. Look at Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, James Franco,  I mean  just look at this list from Vox of offenders! Many of these are married men who were respected and trusted! We let men dictate what's attractive and let the freaking patriarchy tell us from birth that our purpose is to be acceptable to men like this and I'm done with that! I know these are celebrities, but imagine what the non-famous men are doing. All I have to do is remember what they have done to me already. That fairy-tale of men being faithful was shattered because now we know, even the "nice" ones could be cheating or abusing others.
3) Men expect you to be a maid. Study after study has shown that men don't pull their weight with household chores, so my life would be easier and cleaner without one messing up my home and expecting me to clean up after him. If I work just as much as a man, why should I be doing more housework. I cringe wherever I hear a man ask a women if she can cook. You don't even know if you like each other and you're already imaging her serving you food? When I think of marriage I just imagine more housework and arguments about housework.
4) I have never needed men for protection. In all my years, I've never needed a man to protect me from physical danger. Why put up with being a maid and doing other disgusting physical things for a man for the slim chance that maybe one day his presence will stop an attacker. Is it really worth it? Plus, if a woman is ever assaulted or murdered, it is most often their romantic partner? So you are actually safer if you are not in a relationship with a man!
5) Even great relationships can end in horrible divorces. I plan on having kids alone. I will love my kids forever, but romantic love can fade. What if a divorce happens and the man tries to take my kids? I have also heard too many stories of men turning horrible and abusive to their exes and not pulling their weight with kids after divorce. I have enough income to support myself and a kid, and my income will increase in the future. Why ruin a good thing with the stress and physical risk of trying to have a relationship with a man? Why not just have my kids through a sperm bank or adoption and cut the man out of the equation?
6) There's not much that a man can give me that a good friend can't. If I want to go out and have fun I can do that with a friend, I don't have to sleep with him. I don't need to sleep with men at all because they don't even give me orgasms, and even if they did, it still doesn't seem worth it. I could see marriage being great if the man is like your best friend and you actually enjoy each other all the time. But I'm an introvert and I don't enjoy anyone all the time. If I don't have a lot in common with the guy and he likes to do things I don't, it will get tedious pretty fast because we won't be doing much together (e.g., I don't like to travel or play or watch sports, and I don't like hip hop so this rules out a lot of men). I can only imagine being with a man who had the same interests as me, but even then there are still the issues I have already listed above. It really seems impossible that I will find a man who isn't abusive in any way, does his share of household chores, gets along with me like a best friend, and that things won't end with him cheating and a divorce. Plus, I have to be attracted to him and he has to earn enough to support a family (I have a career to support a family too). I just don't think it's possible for me and I don't want to risk what I have for the possibility.
7) I feel 10 times better since I giving up finding a man. I think this means something. No more online dating, rude sexual questions, men trying to trick me into bed, going across town to meet someone in the cold, spending hours getting ready, worrying about ticking clocks etc. It all stopped. I am free to do whatever I want! I can work on hobbies and learn things that I value. I don't have to make myself available when it suits a man. I don't have to deal with them wanting to sleep with me before they decide if they are even looking for a relationship. No more! Everyone is different and this is the best choice for me right now. No one has to get married if they can support themselves and feel happier without a man. I don't believe my reason for existing is to satisfy some man and be his servant. It's not the life for me.

So ladies, I don't know what the future will hold. Maybe I'll meet the right man and change my mind, but if not, I'll definitely be okay. I know I have worth and I like myself, and I really don't care what any man has to say on the matter! Good luck ladies, I wish you all the best and that all of your dreams come true!



Image by TréVoy Kelly from Pixabay


  1. Thank you for your honesty. I feel the same way. I've noticed most men are not even worthy. I still desire male energy but, men these days have a lot of feminine energy which is a turn-off for me.

  2. I agree with everything you wrote and I feel exactly the same way. I don't hate men, but I don't feel that I need to be married to one. It's truly freeing to realize this, and I'm glad I realized this earlier in my life.

  3. Great post. I agree that it is hard to find a good man out here. I think I will just focus on my career and educational endeavors until someone decent comes along.

  4. Regarding #4, men don't protect women at all. I've seen stuff happen on public transportation and they will either watch it happen or try hard not to make eye contact with the victim so they don't have to step in. I've seen homeless men spit on women, block their way unless they give them money, drunk men harass and physically assault women and only women speak up and help each other! Men just watch or try to ignore! Nowadays, they don't want to put themselves in harms way to protect a woman, they don't think it's worth it and that because of feminism, we can protect ourselves. They use this same "feminist" reason as a way to not be providers and go 50/50 on everything. I recently read a reddit post about a woman who married a rich guy with a great job and had a child with him. He made her go 50/50 even though he made 3x as much on top of his trust fund. And she was the primary caregiver for the child as well as cooking, cleaning, working and stuff SMH There's no incentive to date romantically at all. I have taken a vow of lifelong celibacy (I am religious) so I feel like I'm looking in from the outside when it comes to discussions like this. Many women have given up on men completely and just look forward to having children and professional careers. It's kind of sad, really.

  5. So many marriage minded black women are changing their stance on this. I have long reconciled with the idea that it may be more realistic for me to partner with a non black male instead of marrying one and birthing children.

    Many men struggle these days to connect/be totally exclusive with just one woman, and at this point, in my mid 30's I'm more jaded about a lot of men. It just isn't worth the risk to my health and emotion well-being to continue looking, or at least for now take a break and not worry about any romantic outcome.

    I was a devout reader of this blog and some tips and advice did yield satisfying results, but the reality is, femininity doesn't compel men to behave well and to do so with you over a period of time. He has to WANT to behave in a way that is conducive for a long-term commitment whether you cultivate feminine mystic or not. I have dated men that turned around and got with "masculine" "toxic" women and give them the world. And, I'm not exaggerating.

    It's ok to not settle and be open.

  6. Damn I thought you abandoned this blog. Please keep writing. I’d love to know your opinion on black girls self esteem

  7. Beyonce, this book has helped me a lot with my self esteem , hope it helps.