Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Why do some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?

Well I have been kindly asked to do guest posts on the Beyond Black and White blog! I have been a reader of the blog for quite a while because it presents good articles about Black women. The articles are well written compared to some other sites, there is variety, and the comments are WAY better than the ones on most sites and  most are legible! It does support interracial relationships but even if that isn't your cup of tea, there are great articles that aren't even about that. Who you date is your choice. I just finished my first post there and we will see how it goes :) Here is the link

Hopefully it will generate some positive discussion but I'm going to refrain from arguing for no reason. I won't feed the trolls and I hope they don't come over here but they might. Since I have no tolerance for that stuff their comments will be deleted here :) I tend to not respond to comments right away (as you may have noticed on this blog) because I think it's better to take the time to think out my responses. From experience I've found that things can be said and taken the wrong way and can cause arguments if posted immediately. Plus, keeping up with comments can be overwhelming and I'm trying to be low stress. I'll have to remember this on BBW :)


I'll warn you right now that this will sound harsh but I hope that you can hear the caring message I'm trying to send. I think Black women can do better and be better because we are much better than the world and many of us believe! We need to stop having low standards for ourselves, settling for being mediocre, and refusing to improve ourselves. If we want better lives then we have to do better. Please focus on the issues raised instead of throwing personal attacks thanks.  :) Now on to the post.  :)

Over and over again I hear women state, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are". Well what if you are rude, lazy, slovenly, highly unattractive, and really unpleasant to be around? What if your spouse, friends, coworkers, and family don't like to be around you because you are so unpleasant? What if you can't get a date because men say you are not attractive and your attitude turns them off? Should people with these traits not try to improve themselves? Shouldn't they try to do better and be better?

Being polite, hard working, neat, attractive, and pleasant are virtues that many people strive for because they make them more desirable and tolerable. People learn and change everyday, and many choose to improve themselves while others stubbornly refuse. You will hate me for saying this but, don't you know that the, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are," thing was said to make unattractive people with no hope feel good about themselves? Unless you look like the Elephant Man then that pleasantry wasn't meant for you sweetie.

Some people want to be desirable and tolerable while others do not seem to care. This of course is your prerogative and if you never want to improve or change then this article is not for you.  :) It gets tiring (and boring) hearing some Black women complain that others are not finding them attractive when they have been given advice, over and over, about how to become more attractive! It is also tiring when many non-Black women do things to make themselves more attractive, but some Black women refuse to do the same things and are shocked or outraged when they are not found to be attractive. Well if you want things to change then you have to change something! If you want people to find you attractive, then make yourself as attractive as possible! Doesn't that make sense? Some of you will quibble about what makes someone attractive and say that if it's subjective then how can you choose what to do to become attractive. Well I'll leave that to future post. Also, if you are already highly attractive or doing your best (within reason, nothing dangerous) then I'm definitely not talking about you. But my main point is this, if Black women want the mainstream, Black people, and the world to find them more attractive then they will just have to become more attractive!

Some women may state that they should not have to change for any reason or for anyone. Instead they insist that others should change their ideas about beauty in order to include them. Everyone else should change but they should do absolutely nothing to improve themselves!? Yes, people who find beautiful, kind, and pleasant women attractive should stop doing that and find slovenly, mean, and crude women attractive too. They must somehow suppress their automatic positive mental reaction to attractive women and reprogram their brains to find the opposite attractive. Yes, that will surely work! Actually it would only work if unattractive women were the only women left on earth and men had to settle. Unfortunately, men have plenty of attractive women to choose from so they won't have to change their standards. So while some of you wait to have that miracle happen the rest of us will just improve ourselves and enjoy the benefits.

Some people believe in self-improvement and that only those who are lazy, unmotivated, stubborn, antisocial, rebellious, or lacking self-esteem would settle for not becoming the best they can be. This article will be easily accepted by these women. These women don't want to settle for who they are now because they want to be better and know that they can be the best! Some may say that a woman who is willing to change herself has low self-esteem and lacks self-love. I say that I love myself and believe in myself so much I will succeed in becoming highly attractive, feminine, and virtuous. Wearing pretty makeup and clothes and maintaining an attractive weight will show my self-love. Let me use a metaphor, you can tell if someone loves and respects their house if they care for it, clean it and keep it neat, make it attractive, and protect it, instead of letting it get run down and filthy like houses on Hoarders. So are you keeping up your body/house or is it in need of a major overhaul?

In conclusion, I'd like to ask the, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You're prefect just the way you are" crowd, are you doing anything that visually shows you love yourself? Or are you doing nothing and calling that self-love? Why are you rejecting self-improvement? Are you being your best right now or could you be even better? Why are you settling for mediocrity?


  1. Finally the truth. You are very brave to write this article because believe me, most black women think they are perfect just the way they are despite having a bad attitude, poor social skills and unkempt physical appearances, and they're not going to like this article because it's too real.

    Sometimes I see black women behaving appallingly in public and I wish I could just go up to them and slap some sense into them, like that would ever work! And I'm so tired of the "people have to accept me the way I am" attitude. Well then does that mean we should accept men who are players or abusers just the way they are also?? I don't think so.

  2. I am so glad to read this great article. I live in Zimbabwe, Africa and this is so true. Not only do black women have no desire to improve themselves, they put down, humiliate and shun the ladies that are trying. Two things that really bother me are that most activities relating to self-improvement(other than church-related ones) are deemed "white" behaviours or part of a white culture and this leads to the belief that any attempt to improve yourself is coming from a place of self-hate and a desire to be white. I wish these poor women would try and put in an effort so they can realise just how much self-love and self-respect they actually need to take care of themselves and their bodies.

  3. Women have a responsiblity to themselves to make sure they are presenting their very best self in public. When you are perceived as attractive more doors will open for you. This may not seem fair or politically correct but that's the reality. Those who don't want to play the game will lose at life and get left behind.

  4. Congratulations Maria! I'm happy so many more will be exposed to you. Much success. I knew you when ;)

  5. Correction, I meant to say Congratulations ELEGANCE! Maria is on my mind cause she is on this thread and she posted on my blog.

  6. I agree with tjos article to an extent. @ Maria you say most black women but you have not met most black women. Not attacking you just saying please be careful with saying that. Elegance stated some instead of most because this is more true and factual. I think that black women that are lazy,sloppy,etc. need to do things for themselves internal as well as externally to fix themselves up. It will make them feel better as well as help with there self love.

  7. Amen sistah! How do I subscribe to this blog, I'm nae @ this. Gr8 mind you have.


  8. Great article. Great title too! You wrote about that a while back, too about why some women don't like elegant women - or the fact that some are interested in putting their best foot forward. Crabs in a barrel mentality - I can't get forward, so you shouldn't either.
    The use of the word 'most' instead of 'all' or even 'some' - doesn't change the validity of the premise at all. Nitpicking doesn't take away from the main point.

  9. I'll bet that the "take me as I am" girls go dateless every weekend and wonder why Prince Charming doesn't come knocking on their door! You get out of a relationship what you put into it! There is competition out there ladies and as you get older if you ever want to find a decent guy you had better consider going to a gym, slipping on those heels and applying that lipgloss or else those twenty something year olds that do are going to scoop up the good ones and leave you with the "Fred Sanford" type leftovers!

  10. Bravo, Bravo, Bravo!!!!!! and after reading your post on Beyond Black and White, the "Don't Change" disciples are alive and well. Many don't want to change sad to say.

  11. Thanks for taking the time to discuss and share this with us, I for one feel strongly about it and really enjoyed learning more about this topic.SELF IMPROVEMENT