Unfortunately, opening myself up to African American history and online culture was eye-opening, sometimes enjoyable, illuminating, but I'm not sure if it has made me a better person. Maybe it has made me wiser because now I now what I don't have to be and what it important. Today it feels like I am back the way I was before in high school, when I was free, so I have come full circle. Was my venture into AA culture worth it or would I have been better off not venturing into that arena? Understand though, that my venturing did not involve physically living in the US, this great impact was made by simply reading texts, reading blogs, and interacting with people online! What you read can really affect your thinking.
So I am asking myself if all the reading I did made me better or worse as a person. Was I better off before I ventured into the AA section of the library and started reading? Was I better off when I wasn't reading about controversial AA issues and activism? Online people would always say "know your history" but was I studying my history, or was it really someone else's history that I read because I could not find my own? Well I guess like any sort of experience or study this experience has changed me. I know about things I did not pay attention to before. Instead of thinking, 'I don't know anything about that' I can now think, 'I've heard about that' or 'I remember when something similar happened before'. So I guess I can value that lack of complete ignorance.
But this knowledge came with a negative side effect, It made me feel like a victim, like I had been wronged, life was going to be bad for me, I was disadvantaged, people hate me, people in my life are going to betray me because I'm Black, I'm unattractive, there is something wrong with me and I didn't know it, and I should always be angry. It's as though I was feeling okay and then found out I had a horrible disease I didn't realize I had:
- I was told all the horrible symptoms I had never noticed and had never interfered with my life.
- I was told this disease was the cause of all my life problems.
- The disease was incurable.
- I had to get it under control before I spread it to my future children.
- This disease will destroy the Black race.
- And guess what, the disease was given to me by White people through slavery, racism, and discrimination! So suddenly I had a horrible incurable disease, purposefully given to me by "The Man", that had a host of symptoms (that were supposedly already hurting me or would hurt me sooner or later).
Fortunately, there was a cure pedaled by many a charlatan (perhaps well meaning). They were so helpful in pointing out my symptoms and telling me then and there to take my medicine before it was too late! The cures was the following:
- Being hypervigillant about everything The Man did and constantly see myself as a victim. This included complaining and being outraged about past horrific deeds (because they are having an impact on the present) and being outraged by everything overtly racist. In order to do this I had to constantly expose myself to the most horrible things in history and the news. Doing otherwise would mean I was being ignorant, ignoring my history, being a passive part of the problem, or not caring.
- Suspecting racism and a slight everywhere. I had to be offended and angry when The Man did not include dark-skinned Black women in the media. I also had to be offended if those women were fat, unmarried, adulterous, not chosen by the lead character, or were flawed in any way. I had to be angry if Black women were not on runways for White designers, leading more White-owned companies, in more commercials for White-owned companies, leading more White produced written shows, leading more White produced and written movies, winning more White- created awards. I had to be angry they didn't include BW because that was racist. I had to be constantly angry Black people didn't own more or have more power.
- I had to be offended if The Man did or said anything negative about Black men. It didn't matter the circumstances or what the Black men did because racism against Black men was racism against all Black people (solidarity right?). I had to be concerned about the Prison Industrial Complex and men (who often made neighborhoods dangerous and victimized Black women) were getting long prison sentences for crimes they actually committed. It could happen to my brother or my father so I had to be mad in solidarity. I had to excuse their misdeeds or questionable choices because they are just victims of The Man.
- I had to question every choice I made and every preference I had because being brainwashed accelerated the disease. I had to make sure my preferences for my hair, make-up, the attractiveness of women, the attractiveness of men, fashion, music, television, books, and activities were "Black". My preferences for education, speaking a certain way, marriage, children in wedlock, and interracial dating were all signs that I was brainwashed and a horrible prognosis. This meant choosing the Blackest of Black everything. I had to prefer the darker actress who was darker than myself, I had to prefer the hair with no curl pattern when I have coils, I had to prefer the shows/films with dark skinned actresses who where married, I had to choose African or AA clothing, I had to prefer hip hop or R&B etc. Before making any choice I had to ask myself , "How will this impact the Black community?"; "Am I doing this because I have been brainwashed by the Eurocentric media?"; "Is this a sign of self-hatred?". Depending on the answers I could feel good about my choice or chastise myself for helping The Man cause my own destruction and the destruction of my entire race.
Wow. I can relate to some of what you are saying. I didn't grow up to think a certain way about "black" people. In my family we were just people. And we lived in Mississippi in the 70's and early 80's. So yah my family did a good job shielding us I guess. Because of that I wasn't expose to a lot of the details of our AA history. Of course as I've evolved in knowledge, and education does help expose you as well. You are made to feel a certain kind of way about your self that you didn't feel before. For example, I never felt inferior or like I was automatically considered lower in rank because of the color of my skin. Or that I was less pretty because I was black, or even brown skinned. I love my skin! lol. Then I started reading stuff, and listening to stuff, and of course like you said trying to make sure you aren't ignorant of our history, or naive about what's going on currently. It made me feel a little exposed and slightly paranoid for lack of a better word.
ReplyDeleteI was like okay so is this the way people really see me? Was I living in a cave or under a rock? I've always chosen to see my self as an individual and not as "that black girl" Now, I LOVE being black and I always felt fortunate to be black but after reading some of thing things I've read over the last I'd say 5 years? I was like wow. I almost hate that I know some of this stuff.
I can recall this one lady insisting on telling me stories about the way black people were put on chains to be treated as pets in the white man's house and given as presents to their little kids like they were toys. It was a movie that she was referring to. I never knew about the movie and showed disgust of course when she told me the story. But because I didn't sit there and steep in anger and talk about it over and over she dug in deeper, almost like she was trying to make me angry!? It's was very odd and it made me uncomfortable. Because there is nothing I could change about what happened back then, no action could be taken other than to get mad about it? There is definitely a line that should be drawn with some of that. I am not ignorant to the racism or hatred that is in the world. But like I told someone once that sometimes bring up black status vs white etc...I am not going to live my life thinking about stuff like that. It can poison you. I think there is a way to be knowledgeable but not have it just dominate most of your life. I would much rather focus on the positive that have stemmed from our people and use that to possibly influences us today. I love to celebrate the beauty and various strengths of blacks Love it! Other peoples racism and view of blacks is there problem, not mine. (which I know some extremist will say, it is my problem, but you know what I mean.) I can't have my peace disturbed with stuff like that. I also think it depends on what circles you are in, in real life and online as to how exposed you become to the negative aspects of knowledge. Very interesting post.
I believe it is awesome that you are reflecting upon this point and it definitely demonstrates that you are very intelligent and a serious deep thinker. One thing that I find has helped me when I noticed a rise in anxiety in my heart and a bitterness in my soul from the reading of AA history is reading on the Sovereignty of God. Cultivating a deep, personal relationship with the Creator of every atom in the galaxy, the Creator of every fiber in every neuron of my nervous system, and the Creator of every fish in the depths of the ocean. When I read about Him, I recognize that in NO way can I ever consider myself a victim. Anything anyone intended for harm He orchestrates for good. He is that type of God. AA are then paradoxically in a much more privileged place because the humbleness of our history and our humiliation of our present circumstances enables us to experience God's love in a richer and deeper way than anyone who considers themselves a "victor." It is a protection against bitterness and hardness. I can stay soft because I know I am protected. But again, this is my perspective due to God's Love and providence in my life.
ReplyDeleteLove this post and love the train of thought you are expressing. Like anything else. Take what is useful from AA culture and thought and leave the rest. I do just that when interacting with non-AAbw which is why I read your blog. AAbw need this interaction. We need to see that the AA culture is not the end all and be all and not the only way to interact with the world.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff this.
Yes little lady stop reading about it. Lucky for me when I was younger and interested about AA history I read a few stories, and I started to notice how bitter I felt afterwards. So I stopped I did not read or investigate further. Like every woman I have hang ups about myself and my attractiveness. But then I started to think about my race and if it played a part in that. But what saved me was reality, I have never and I mean never had a problem attracting men off all races and I mean never lol well in my 28 years anyway. People don't look at me in the street with there eyes filled with hate lol. My self and my fiancé went to the country side in Surrey"ENGLAND" and there wasn't to many black people around. However the people were cheerful and getting on with there own lives. Yes there are racist people in the world and that isn't just white people there are a lot and I mean a hell of a lot of racist black people. And I don't pay them any attention. Now if I happen to hear a story about a racist incident, which is rare because I stopped watching the news. I just say a pray to the creator for that person and get on with my day. I don't talk about it or research the incident I just get on with life. Am glad your eyes were opened before you destroyed your life, being trapped in distorted thoughts and a phantom reality.
ReplyDelete“People don't look at me in the street with there eyes filled with hate….Yes there are racist people in the world and that isn't just white people there are a lot and I mean a hell of a lot of racist black people.”
DeleteYou are so right, Leah. From my experience, the most racist people I have observed are usually the first ones to accuse others of racism, even if there is no evidence. People like that have a huge chip on their shoulder and see themselves as perpetual victims. That toxic attitude cannot attract anything good.
I love this post because I can relate. Being first generation American of Jamaican descent, my Jamaican mother taught me to be a good individual and treat others with respect. She told me that racism does exist and that I will experience it but don't let it take over your life. And be the best individual that I can. And I followed her advice from my early child to around early high school years(freshmen to sophomore years).
ReplyDeleteHowever I was mad that George Zimmerman was acquitted last summer and was starting to mistrust White people more and more. My feelings of anger and mistrust led me to go into the ''online conscious'' community and Black Nationalism. I used Black Nationalism as a crutch to deal with that anger from George Zimmerman getting acquitted and anger towards Whites. I read more AA history and stuff and the events about racism got me even angrier.
But I woke up when a fellow Black Nationalist turned his back against me and stabbed me in the back. Plus I realized that these so called Black Activists on Facebook and off, aren't any better than White supremacists because they also thrive on Black pain and suffering. Plus these same so called conscious people are the first people to turn on you and talk about other Blacks as well. And when it came to the problems in the Black Community, they were all talk but no action. Why can you call yourself a Black Activist when you aren't doing anything to improve the communities in which you hailed from?
Also much of the Black Nationalist and Afrocentric beliefs are based in pseudo Science and pseudo History. African Americans didn't descend from ancient Egyptians yet they go on and on about Egypt and how it is the most important civilization in Africa. I haven't heard a lot of so called Black Nationalists talk about West African kingdoms that their ancestors descended from such as Ghana, Mali and Songhai. Also there is too much focus on non Black civilizations such as the Olmecs, Mayas, etc so much that they actually want to claim these non Black civilizations as their own. As to the pseudo Science part, many of them claim that Whites are inferior and that they are ''ice people'' who were created in the lab by a scientist 6,000 years ago. I thought that Afrocentrism was about taking pride in your racial heritage not stealing from other civilizations and claiming it as your own and stating that other races are inferior.
Many of the men in the Black Nationalist movement are sexist and misogynist towards women. They expect Black women to be there for their every need and breed more Black children while they run around dating, sexing and marrying White and other non Black women. How hypocritical is that? When I was in the so called online conscious community, I followed this Black man who called women particularly Black women bitches and hoes in his status updates. I addressed his misogyny and he deleted me. It is obvious that these men don't value Black women and only use them as sacrificial lambs. And I also learned that Black Power is solidary for Black men ONLY.
Several months ago, I deleted my old Facebook profile and left the online conscious community. I realized that it wasn't for me. I wasn't being myself when I was in Black Nationalism. I am not a pro Black militant woman. I am a nerdy, awkward, shy and quiet Black woman in her late teens who is going to university and likes writing stories and listening to Led Zeppelin, Queen, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Deep Purple, The Supremes, Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder etc. These days, I am trying to be myself and stop letting others define me.
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ReplyDeleteMy comments keep getting eaten, so I'll keep it short:
ReplyDeleteIn Jamaica (not a paradise, but a good educational system), we learned about the Taino/Arawaks, the kingdoms of West Africa, Haiti and Toussaint L'Ouverture, Nanny, Sam Sharpe, Marcus Garvey before European or US History. There was a prevalent can-do attitude of unending potential, rather than one of we are victims. Of course, there are believers of the pseudo-science... Which seems to have started out as a way to develop pride in the ethnic group and has zigzagged off into some strange fundamentlist territory...
Part II
DeleteI've been through a similar thought process, and have come to a similar conclusion, that although I've read bell hooks, and Patricia Collins, and know that intersectionality has nothing to do with traffic rules, it has no direct impact on my life. I can't even class it as nice to know, because it's all depressing. So you're right - I'd rather be happy than on the cutting edge of AA theory/groupthink.
On the other hand, writings about elegance, femininity and psychology (esp how to get on with other people) are more relevant and useful to me.
I guess, in the same way that we limit who we expose our spirits to in real life, we have to be just as vigilant in the online world.
Same here. I am Jamaican American and I am aware Jamaica isn't a paradise. Many of my family members from Jamaica came here for a better life because they were struggling to make ends meet in Jamaica and were poor. Most of them come here and do better than many African Americans. They can't fanthom or understand why MANY African Americans think that they are the victims of this country.
DeleteSince I left the online conscious community and left Black Nationalism, I feel much better emotionally knowing that I no longer buy into the AA group think/theories anymore. And that I can do whatever I want without thinking about these people either. I am glad I am not the only person who went through the same process.
It's the contrasting ideas of, "just give me half a chance, and I will fly" rather than "what's the point of trying," but as I am no psychologist, I will save my energy rather than trying to figure out where AA history went astray.
DeleteMy parents stayed in Jamaica, but I left. Now I'm living on another "front line" in Europe with other challenges, and I've found that AA (i think I like the word groupthink) about doing Blackness holds no water when put to the practical reality test. Practical reality = how does this help me live a good life? How does this help me get on with my neighbours in my little village in the boonies? The answer is, not much.
PS- that about the Olmecs, and Ivan van Sertima's they came before Columbus (yup, read it all, and even tracked down that old copy of National Geographic), is a plausible theory, BUT it justifies no argument about Black people today. It's nice to know, and wonder about, along the same lines of does the Loch Ness monster exist?
Catch you later.
“Being hypervigillant about everything The Man did and constantly see myself as a victim…. Suspecting racism and a slight everywhere.”
ReplyDeleteThe media is saturated with this paranoid and pathological mentality. It is poisonous and destructive to everyone.
Agreed. I used to think like this until I woke up and realized that it is up to me to make a better life for myself and go to university.
DeleteWe have more power than we give ourselves credit for, especially black people living in Western countries . This is why it is very important to keep a very healthy circle of friends. When people surround themselves with the wrong people, all they do is suck their spirits, creativity and mess up with their heads by planting fear and negativity and even making them become depressed .
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that black people need to do is get rid of the belief that everyone hates black people. This is not truth.I find this mentality prevalent among African Americans, and especially AAW.
Most people are too busy living their own lives to be worrying about black people. This is why I tell black women and especially AAW to widen their circle of friends to include non-blacks and foreigners . The constant harping that there are enemies in every corner only leads to paranoia, fear of the unknown and a non relaxed behavior when dealing with strangers.
And for God's sake, black women need to stop putting down other black women, something I find as a cultural norm among AAW.Other races never do this. These women interact with each other in a very sweet and positive way by constantly praising and telling each other how beautiful they are. Latinas and white women are notorious for praising each other all the time.
Most black women are pretty and I do not see why black women don't practice this too.
This is why many of the other women have healthier self esteem and confidence than black women about their looks and attractiveness and don't believe men( especially those from different ethnic groups) do not find them attractive.
Ever been in a clothes' store and noticed how women like to get the approval from other women when they intend to buy a dress, etc. Black women can build each other up by building each other's confidence and this would counteract the negativity and arm those black women with the inner confidence and strength they cannot find at hand in their environment .
It is obvious that nationalism of any kind is dead today.Yes we must be proud of our race and ethnicity etc, but the world is much smaller today and we sometimes interact with so many people daily and talking about nationalism sounds kind of foolish.
No one believes that people hate who they are or their people just because they socialize in a wider circle . We are on another level or historical juncture today, and it is much easier for women to widen their circle of friends too .
I interact daily with people from all over the world and read blogs by diverse people and I find it very important in terms of my growth as a person and the enrichment of my existence because we are all part of this world and human beings first.
I would recommend readers to check out the following site by a Canadian woman: Oneika-the-traveller.com She is also on facebook.
ReplyDeleteBlack women need to purge their minds and join many of the other ethnic women who are much freer and living much better.
Recommendation:Live your lives as individuals and never assume anyone is your enemy without getting to know them first.
Furthermore I would bet BW and especially ABW that when they widen their circle of friends they will be able to see and experience many of the things( that make up part and parcel of happiness) they have always been missing. Moving forward!
I am a BLACK AMERICAN WOMAN and I have the same thoughts as you do.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a process that has been challenging (I almost have no Black friends left or white ones either--those expect me to bring the 'black pain'--) and it has been worth every minute.
I am so grateful to hear I am not the only one.
Well I admit that “Black Women” can be also one of the most beautiful women. Even I had met many of such beauties many times. They are amazing, not by their look only but also by their nature too.
ReplyDeleteAfrican-American cultural limitations? I'm not sure that exists. It's really sad to see this post and some of the comments. African Americans, like everyone else, are a diverse group with varying preferences and tastes. It's unfortunate that some bad encounters have led to negative stereotypes. Obviously there are a number of Aa women that enjoyed your blog and would agree with many of the things you have to say. It seems you allowed a few. Loggers to bring you down to their level and create unnecessary division.
ReplyDeleteEvery culture has limitations and some happen to have more than others. We need to be honest with each other. The same way many of the BWE blogs are centering on AAW , Black and mixed women of foreign extraction living in this country and abroad need to do the same too.
ReplyDeleteAnd let's face it, at time it is, and will be much more easier for many of us(non-AAW) to distance ourselves from you because we often are seen as different.
We are usually not running our mouths and cursing anyone and making enemies to and fro. I have said it clearly before , We Are Individuals First and should live our lives as such, and this also goes for AAW.
We are not supposed to carry burdens on our shoulders. Not of the Black race, nor of black men, nor foolish black women either. The problem with many of you is that you cannot see yourselves away from the group.
You get offended every time someone say something. If you do not fall into any stereotype then it is not about you. Each individual black women has to carve herself away from the group and live her life as best as she can.
No black person, and this include other black women also, are supposed to tarnish our individual image, at least in our minds, if we want to be sane and not worry ourselves to death since things can be dismal for black people at times. Hey 200 little black girls were kidnapped in an all black country and nothing has been done by the all black population.
No where on this earth in normal places , such a thing like young virginal girls taken away would have been allowed to happened , but in an all black country, yes. Things are really bad. Those of us living in free advanced world with laws that protect us still have ways to save ourselves and make ourselves happy. Stop the lamenting about foolishness.And lastly, how we present ourselves is what the outside group is supposed to see. If we give of our best and the world is not happy and satisfied with it so be it. I create my own image of myself. Stop this foolishness that it is all about people liking many of you. Nobody has to like anyone because this world is messed up and mighty unfair. As long as you like yourself ,good people will like you and that is enough. And I do not want anyone in Hollywood , the media and anywhere else to represent me. Because I, only me, represent myself the best way possible.
By the way, I was born in a Latin American country, and many black women from my region (where there are many more problems than the ones encountered here) will tell you that both the United States and Europe have been very, very good to them.Even finding excellent and well off marriage partners in both places have been very good. You know why.You see when we arrive here/there, we live our lives as individuals, and do not carry anything else on our shoulders/backs, but our own individual business.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I found this blog.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading and following many BWE blogs, I realised that my 'struggle' wasn't the AAW struggle. Why because I'm of Caribbean and Latin American heritage and I've never been to the US in my whole life. Growing up in the Caribbean I would always look up to and admire the AAW I saw on TV during the 90s and of course, the musicians. Women like Janet Jackson, Toni Braxton, Aaliyah and basically every black woman that appeared on my tv I thought were awesome. In my country we didn't have a lot of local shows on tv so american TV was the next best thing. Fast forward to 2010 and beyond, I notice things started to change. There was now social media and online communities and this was when I first became exposed to the negativity from and towards AAW and AA culture on a whole. Black men were suddenly all over social media and youtube saying the most hateful things towards black women. Even the celebrities were in on the BW bashing.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't believe what was going on. All the lovely thoughts I had about AA people were shattered. I felt lost because there was no one to admire and look up to anymore aside from members of my family and women in my country. I felt like AA were taking a step back. I thought they were all about progress and moving forward.
Although I'm not AA, I'm still a black woman and it took my a while to realise that the AA struggle was not my struggle. I had gotten so caught up in all the AA history and BWE culture that I completely forgot that my experience as a black woman was different from that of black women living in the US. When I came to this realization, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I unfollowed most of the blogs and social media pages dedicated to AAW because they were of no benefit to me. Yes I'm black, but I wasn't AA. I was just a black chick living in the Caribbean. I also noticed that BWE bloggers had a particular dislike to lightskin and biracial women. Being a light skin woman, I've never had issues with black women as most of the women I looked up to even to this day are in fact dark skin.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I have to say that I totally relate to this post. I've decided to be my happy self before I discovered BWE and AA history. Although we are descendants of slaves, our history is not the same and not every black person needs to learn about AA history because many of us living outside of the U.S. Have our own history.
I have come to that realization long time ago too. What I really find disconcerting is the constant fighting among AAW .Of course within cultures there will always be room for disagreements, but the constant public display of beat down that I see , sometimes over small differences of opinions, used to have me going back over posts, to search for what was said that triggered the smack down, and seriously it became overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons why I stopped many years ago reading their blogs is I simply cannot relate to the madness and mean- spirited attitudes. I come from a culture where women are sweet toward each other and frankly, I do not trust people who cannot get along with their own people.
Black women from around the world must stop looking to African American women as champions of black women causes. Many of us have more going for us, even though we come from smaller , developing countries. We are much more interesting, carry less baggage, have much nicer ways, and are even more of a better representation of women, black women, than many of the black women living in the US.
We have our own history and do not have to make women of other cultures speak for us and create a false narrative of how difficult it is being a black woman, because it really is not that bad at all.That is a dangerous thing many of them have been pushing.You have noticed that even other black women are their enemies.It is pure paranoia for women who are planning to divest because I wonder how far they plan to go before coming across some of the people they have deemed as enemies.
It may be difficult at times for AAW, within the framework of their culture but our cultures and circumstances are different and we should stop seeing things through their eyes because this hurts our own development .
AAw who see it as difficult do not realize they always had options because they have more opportunities than many other women around the world. Black women(globally) are free individuals and must remove the chains of ignorant thinking, and get away from those who bring the foolish ideas that black women are a sad collective and are all suffering because of the mere doings or existence other people(foreigners, white women,Asian women.Hollywood,Latinas, biracials,the media, etc.) Some people are suffering because of their own thinking, and others foolishly walk into their own demise and destruction.They simply self destruct. I have long concluded that AAW are their own worst enemies.
I am beginning to notice more things happening with black women outside of the US now, and simply because the media is not picking it up, does not mean they are not moving up. Regarding the light skinned dark skinned, schism, they have been pushing, ironically they have forgotten that because of slavery, two dark skinned parents can have light skinned children and vice versa. I have noticed that African women commenters are the ones who love to harp on light skinned women, not understanding the culture and history of blacks in the diaspora.The truth is, African women are the ones who we find mostly bleaching their skins and their men marry white women even more than black men of the New World. LOL
They can divide us as much as they wish,thinking it adds point to their existence, it does not take away the fact the we( each individual black woman from where ever) are all responsible for our own happiness; and as a black woman from Latin America, a region with lots of problems, I along with many, can attest that we are finding our own joy and worth, at home, and especially abroad.