Women’s Style Rules: 1950s Vs. Present

This is so funny! Buzzfeed posted the video below in order to ridicule 1950's style rules, but I agree with most (not all) of what the video says! Maybe its because I'm in my 30's, but none of the styles the models wore were appealing to me at all. It is what it is, but I thought the tips were actually pretty good! The models are not wearing outfits that would be acceptable at many jobs and schools (of course universities are more liberal). The 1950's woman was over the top but I think she would definitely get respect (you should read the YouTube comments).

Miss Vintage 2014: Dress Like A Lady To Be Treated Like A Lady: In this video I love her cardigans! It may be too costume-like to wear so much 50's style at once but individual pieces are great. I prefer the cuts of 1950's and 60's clothes, they seemed to emphasize your good parts and minimize your flaws plus the material was so sturdy compared to the flimsy fabrics today. Also, unlike in the video, I like my skirts around knee length and I like the pinup model look with pencil skirts.

Vintage Style - Outfit Tips for Beginners (If you go overboard then you could be ridiculed...but it has never happened to me. I also don't bother with pantyhose but I wear tights or leggings in the winter. I like red nails but I don't like the way red lipstick looks on me.)

In future posts when I make fashion suggestions they will be based on a "vintage feminine" style that is classic and mixable with modern items. I focus on style instead of fashion because fashion is trendy and changes from season to season.

Showing too Much Cleavage

I went on a great first date last week. It was great except that I wore an outfit that showed too much cleavage. It didn't look like too much when I looked at myself in the mirror, but by the time I got to our meeting place, my top had migrated downwards and my bosom was bulging to the delight of my date. We joked about it but I would have preferred to make a different first impression. I had worn a cardigan with a camisole underneath to cover my bust. Unfortunately, the camisole just didn't stay up.

Some of you may have experienced a similar problem. Due to the size of my chest I just have to accept the reality...I have to wear large or extra large tops to accommodate it. Most men think about sex and like to look at attractive women, but they do this more when you are bulging out of your top (or when you are wearing very short or skimpy clothes). That is not the look that I am going for.

Some of you may say this isn't a problem, show your cleavage, don't hide it, it's men's problem if they stare, and you don't care if other people don't like it. Well that's not a battle I want to fight and it makes me uncomfortable to be so exposed. Sometimes I want to get that attention, but it's annoying when I want to cover up by my clothes just won't let me! If you don't want a men starring at your chest all night or only seeing you as a sex object then this problem has to be solved. So here are some ideas I have used and will use soon to make sure that I don't show too much cleavage anymore:

1) Buy tops that don't reveal your cleavage: I bought some yesterday. Unfortunately I have a large chest and large arms so many of the cute tops just didn't look right (elbow length sleeves are best for me. I think I just need to lose the weight and then the arm problem will go away). Even if a collar looks good on the hanger, I have to try it on because they often end up stretching lower than I would have imagined. Trying things on is a must! If you are a thrifter and a sewer then you can buy tops with higher collars and then cut  and hem them so that they are the perfect size for you.

2) Add lace to the bust areas of revealing tops: This is the next thing I plan to do. I will buy small pieces of lace in black, white, and the colours of tank tops and other tops I already have. I will cut the pieces to the appropriate sizes and then sew them into the tops. That way I don't have to go searching for new tops and I like the feminine touch of lace anyway.

3) Add fasteners to gaps between button holes: I had so many cardigans that I wasn't wearing because there were large gaps between the buttons that revealed bare skin underneath. So I bought some clasps (they were inexpensive) and sewed them on every cardigan that needed them. This took quite a while but it was worth it! You can use metal fasteners, plastic clasps, hook and eye fasteners, or velcro if you want.

4) Wear camisoles: Remember how your mom would make you wear cute little undershirts under your clothes? They came in packs (e.g., Fruit of the Loom). Unfortunately they don't sell them like that for women so you will have to buy separate camisoles. Camisoles are good but sometimes they do slip down and reveal too much because they are stretchy. I think that I have to permanently shorten the straps on some of mine so that they stay up. You can also wear tank tops. I think that camisoles would be easy to make from t-shirts, clothes you don't wear, and some elastic, with some lace at the top if you like.

This blogger loves camisoles and states that you can wear many more tops, even revealing ones, if you just wear a camisole underneath (she has some good fashion advice to make the best out of your wardrobe). I don't recommend Cami Secret because they really aren't wide enough for someone with a wide chest and the bottom part doesn't stay in place. It seems to only work for v-necks (maybe I just need to sew a better version). The Essential Cami looks a bit better (hopefully it can be worn higher because even that shows too much cleavage for work in my opinion. I would totally sew that myself). There are camisole bras available but I would prefer something removable and changeable.

5) Sew up collars and revealing openings: You can also always hand stitch the openings of certain tops (e.g., v-neck tops) so that they are not as low. If a top can be pulled over your head then you can permanently stitch the spaces between buttons closed.

The most important thing is that you are comfortable and that you look the way you want in the clothes you bought with your hard earned money. If there are items in your wardrobe you aren't wearing because they show too much cleavage then hopefully this helps :)

What Kind of People Thrift Shop?

I think that Black women should really look into becoming thrifters. I aim this at Black women because I hear the statistics about how they don't have enough savings and thrifting is a great way to save money yet still get all the clothing and items you want and need. You can look very fashionable and people can't tell that you thrift shop if you don't want them too. You can keep it a secret and just have people believe that you can afford to buy everything full price ; ) So if you need to save money because you are underemployed, a student, or just want to save money, then thrifting is definitely for you. It's a great way to start off your feminine wardrobe or get professional wardrobe for job hunting or your new career.

Have you ever noticed that when you go to the mall the clothing items are very similar? That's because stores follow fashion trends so different stores will carry very similar items. Also, they will only carry items from the current fashion season which is again being trendy. On the other hand, at thrift stores you can often find things that are actually on trend because fashion trends come and go and old fashion trends come back. So why spend $80 on a pair of skinny jeans made last month when you can spend $5 on a retro pair (well if you like skinny jeans). Instead of just buying what's available and trendy at the moment and using that to determine your style, at a thrift store you can choose from at least 30 years of fashion. If you shop vintage of course you can shop and create a style from several decades of fashion. With more options you have the ability to create a unique style and look different from everyone you know.

You can also alter thrift store clothes and not worry too much about ruining the items. I finally got a sewing machine so I can alter the things I buy to fit me perfectly and I can also transform clothing items into totally new pieces! My first two projects were turning a t-shirt into a pencil skirt and making a loose skirt into a pencil skirt and they look great! So this will make thrift shopping a totally new experience because I can buy items just for the fabric (it's really expensive to buy from fabric stores), buttons, zippers, straps, and whatever I need to make my own projects. I have to goal of making every item in my wardrobe wearable. So large items will be resized, small items will be given away or somehow made into larger items, or I will take parts of the small items (e.g., buttons, zippers etc.) and use them to make new items. I barely shop in retail stores anymore so I could make it a goal to not buy any new (i.e., non-thrifted) clothing items for a year (well except for underwear of course).

I have quite a few projects already lined up: 1) add snaps in between cardigan buttons so that they close without leaving unflattering gaps (instead of cursing the size of my chest lol); 2) turning full skirts into pencil skirts; 3) turning dresses into skirts or even peplum tops; 4) turning mens suits into skirts, dresses or dress suits; 5) revamping old dress suits into more modern styles; 6) turning knit shirts and t-shirts into pencil skirts in many colours...and the list goes on.

So, some of you might be wary of thrift shopping so I wanted to show you some videos of some people who thrift shop. You might be surprised! They look very fashionable and well put together with great individual styles. Many of the vloggers below have multiple thrifting videos that you can watch. Notice all the name brands, store labels, and designer labels they mention. Also remember you can get great household items and fashion accessories from thrift shops too. Shopping vintage and buying antiques is no different from thrifting...you are buying previously owned and used items. Also, all those celebrities you look to for fashion ideas, a lot of them have stylists who choose their clothes and styles, they often get clothes for free, and they can afford expensive items while you can't. You have to live within your reality instead of trying to live the celebrity lifestyle you can't afford. Instead of spending money on clothes, spend it on your education, health, property, savings, and investments because those things are way more important :)

What is Feminine?

Cross posted at Beyond black & White

What I Specifically Mean When I Say "Feminine"

Any time a discussion about femininity arises someone asks the question, "What is feminine and what is femininity?" Well I looked into it a bit. According to Wikipedia (I know it isn't an academic source):

Femininity (also called womanliness or womanhood) is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with girls and women. Femininity is made up of both socially defined and biologically created factors. This makes it distinct from the simple definition of the biological female sex, as women, men, and transgender people can all exhibit feminine traits...Behavioral traits generally considered feminine include gentleness, empathy, and sensitivity. (source: Wikipedia)

So, you being a woman does not automatically make you feminine. Anything that a woman does is not automatically feminine. I don't rely much on modern definitions. Why? Because in the past masculine and feminine was clearly delineated and there was no androgyny or ambiguity like there is today. It was simple so it was also easy to understand. This also doesn't have to be a scientific thing because femininity predates gender studies. You just know it when you see it. It may help to look at works of art depicting women. You might not like this, but realistic paintings like those of the Renaissance and French Impressionists (e.g., Manet, Degas, Renoir) really captured femininity, although all the women were White (please just imagine they were Black). I read an African American art book once and almost all of the paintings were depicting suffering or something edgy so they were not the same. Wouldn't it be great if Black artists depicted us in a highly feminine manner? Sigh...one can only dream. See the P.S. below for more tips :)

The femininity I focus on is old fashioned/vintage femininity, specifically femininity in Western countries dating from maybe 1900-1960. However Western women looked and acted back then is what I consider "feminine". I'm focusing on Western femininity because that's where I live. No need to be ridged about that image though (i.e., you do not need white skin, white features, or straight blonde hair to be feminine). What stands out about this look is that women's clothing looked different from men's and it was soft, flowing, and delicate with nothing androgynous. Hair was medium length to long. Other aspects include painted or well manicured medium length nails, especially in red. Subtle makeup was worn to look natural and to enhance natural features and clear skin. Feminine shoes, dresses, skirts, and modest jewelry was the norm. Basically Dorothy Dandridge, Diahann Carroll, Marylin Monroe, Dita Von Teese, and Zoe Deschanel stand out to me for having old fashioned femininity. Stores like ModCloth, Shabby Apple, and vintage/thrift stores sell clothing that I recommend to get this look. So nothing hard, edgy, or masculine in terms of dress. Back then everyone knew what feminine and masculine meant and there was no ambiguity. Some women may prefer a modern feminine look that includes masculine items like pants, androgynous styles, or edgy styles but that doesn't appeal to me and that isn't old fashioned feminine.

Feminine Traits

Today in research, questionnaires are often used to assess someone's masculine and feminine traits. I searched the interwebs and had no luck finding long lists of traits! But I found one, the Bem Sex Role Inventory (BSRI; 1974) that might still be used today. The BSRI lists masculine and feminine traits that you can read below:

Masculine Traits: acts as a leader, aggressive, ambitious, analytical, assertive, athletic, competitive, defends own beliefs, dominant, forceful, has leadership abilities, independent, individualistic, makes decisions easily, masculine, self-reliant, self-sufficient, strong personality, willing to take a stand, willing to take risks.

Feminine Traits: affectionate, cheerful, childlike, compassionate, does not use harsh language, eager to soothe hurt feelings, feminine, flatterable, gentle, gullible, loves children, loyal, sensitive to the needs of others, shy, soft spoken, sympathetic, tender, understanding, warm, yielding.

Based on the BSRI it's no wonder many think the "Strong Independent Black Woman" role and title is too masculine, that's because it is from an old fashioned viewpoint! I actually believe that Black women would benefit from adopting an old fashioned feminine look as well as some old fashioned feminine traits. I do not consider occupations when I discuss femininity so whatever you have to do at work is not an issue. I am not concerned about hobbies either or what you are good at doing around the house (i.e., gender roles). This is about feminine traits not activities or jobs so I do have some modern ideas about femininity lol! Traits that need to be turned off outside of work include being aggressive, defending own beliefs too much, dominant, forceful, too independent, too individualistic, masculine, too self-reliant, too self-sufficient, strong personality, too willing to take a stand, and too willing to take risks. These traits make people in general difficult to get along with and they bother people even more when expressed by women. Yes that's not fair I know.

From what I've read and heard from men, they are turned off by women who are more masculine than feminine. They are more interested in women who they do not confuse with men. So if you want to attract a high quality masculine man for a relationship then maybe getting in touch with your femininity will be helpful. I also think that some women may look better in feminine clothing. I used to wear jeans, hoodies, and runners all the time like everyone else. That was until I cut my hair after going natural and felt uncomfortable. I felt that I looked too masculine and I didn't like it. So I started to wear more jewelry and decided to wear more dresses and skirts that I purchased from a thrift store. I found out that the clothing was actually quite comfortable and looked great! I would not have known had I not tried! I have changed styles many times and this was a change that I really liked.

So if you don't like being thought of as masculine then why not try to be more feminine? It seems as though, once again, for a Black women to be considered as feminine as the average White or Asian woman then she has to appear more feminine than average. Old fashioned/vintage feminine women appear more feminine than average to me. I don't mind looking more feminine because I think it makes me look better. I don't mind acting more feminine or like a lady either because I think that it makes me pleasant to be around and that's a good thing. Being liked is helpful and being disliked is not. Fortunately for me it is also compatible with personality so it's not so much of a stretch. If you are used to dressing in a more masculine, androgynous, or edgy manner I would suggest you start with small changes such as wearing a plain black skirt, ballet flats,heels, or a feminine top and see how you feel. Then you can add more items as you become more comfortable.


Reasons to Become More Feminine

I am not of the mindset that you can only do things for certain reasons and that there is a "right" or "wrong" reason for doing something (outside of ethical issues and laws). I do not look at being feminine from a moral standpoint. I look at it from a behaviourist operant conditioning perspective and any choice that brings your rewards, avoids punishments, and doesn't hurt others is a valid choice. You can decide to be and look more feminine for any reason you want. If it makes you happy, gets you what you want, and doesn't hurt anyone then that reason is valid.  People do things for many reasons they are not even conscious of and how you present yourself is no exception. Other people choose their behaviour and styles for many different reasons and the choice to be feminine is no different. Here are some reasons why you might want to become more feminine or embrace your femininity (some may think that only reasons 1 and 2 are valid reasons but I don't):

1. You think looking and acting more feminine is true to who you are as an individual. This will be expressing who you really are and being your best self. You think that feminine traits are great and very attractive. You are naturally feminine.
2. You feel that society convinced you that being feminine was wrong or inferior so now you want to give it a chance and try something different. You had negative opinions about femininity but now you think differently. You realized that many people looked down on femininity so you rejected everything feminine. 
3. You think that being feminine is more attractive to men. You want to attract men or keep your man attracted to you. You think it will make you more attractive than masculine women including women of other races who choose to be more masculine. You think it will make you more attractive than you already are so it will be an improvement. You believe this will put you ahead of the competition. 
4. After seeing ultra feminine fashion you have begun to like it. You think looking feminine is beautiful, cute, pretty, sweet, and very attractive. You want to try this new style and have a makeover. You just feel like changing your style and trying something new. I made a video about how to look feminine, previously posted on BB&W, that may help. 
5. After hearing about feminine traits you decided that you want to have these traits. You think that feminine traits are very positive, pleasant, attractive, useful, and good traits to have. You think that having and expressing these traits will make you a better person. This video describes some of the positive traits that I like. 
6. You think that becoming more feminine will make you more likable and acceptable to people. You are being mistreated by others and think that being more feminine may help. You think it may help you with making friends, attracting a man, and getting along with coworkers. Strangers may be nicer to you, treat you with more respect, act chivalrous, and treat you with care. People may not expect you to be angry, strong, or independent so they will not treat you like a pack mule. 
7. You want to emulate a feminine role model. You like everything about this role model and want to be like them. You think your role model's style is perfect, she presents herself perfectly, and she is a great person. You feel that this will be an improvement over the way you already are (e.g., Michelle Obama). I made a video of 52 feminine Black women that you might like as role models. 
8. You admire women of the past so you want to look and be like them. You believe that they had admirable traits that are not as common today. You would rather be an old fashioned feminine woman than a modern woman (e.g., Claire Huxtable or Dorothy Dandridge). I made a video of old fashioned feminine Black women that you may find helpful.
9. You want society to think Black women are just as good as other women. You are tired of the criticisms about the way Black women look. You believe that Black women would be viewed more positively if they were more feminine. You are doing this due to respectability politics so your behaviour and appearance is a political statement.  
10. You are caving to the pressure to be more feminine. Wait a minute....While this is your choice I encourage you NOT to change for this reason. This post is not meant to control or force you to do anything. It was meant to present an option that I and others have chosen and enjoy. Don't do this if you hate it and don't want to. But if you do change for this reason do not be ashamed, it's just clothing and feminine traits are actually pretty positive. Even feminine women have some masculine traits, especially at work so you don't have to become a completely different person. If your clothing style is linked to your soul then don't change (it's superficial, relax) and if you are a tomboy and think you will die if you show a feminine trait then don't change. No one wants to see you miserable, that wouldn't be feminine anyway :)

P.S. This video of women in gowns may help you to visualize ultra feminine Black women. My Tumblr site also has many images and the more you see them the easier it will be for you to notice femininity. Focus especially on the way the women are presenting themselves (e.g., posture, smiles, expressions). Look at the images and use adjectives to describe what is feminine about the women. The most common adjective will probably be "soft" in appearance, expression, clothing, and personality (as in being open, pleasant, kind, affectionate, cooperative, friendly and the opposite of hard, inflexible, unapproachable, scary, threatening, or mean). A smile softens you and is a universal expression of softness that says 'I am a friend and I am not a threat'.

Related Articles:
What does it mean to be feminine?
What is femininity
What is femininity to today's women? "In today’s Western culture, a suggestion that women need to get in touch with their femininity is often met with disbelief and can lead to accusations of attempting to encourage women to return to the way they were back in the 1950s." LOL
The essence of femininity: Good
How American women lost their femininity
How to be feminine

An Alternative to the Angry, Strong, Independent Black Woman?

This video was a long time coming. When I began this journey to become feminine I had some of the same goals and ideas I have now. But I have gotten to know myself better and I can really describe the type of woman I want to be. I had to weed through the pop culture and feminist notions and figure out that I wanted to be a modern feminine Black woman. This is basically an EBW and she embraces a modern lifestyle in some ways but in other ways she is quite old fashioned.

This is who I am. This is being liberal and conservative. This is being an individual who is different from many modern women yet the same as many traditional women and women of the past. I don't reject or accept everything from the past because the past was not perfect. I don't reject or accept everything modern because modern ideas and values are not perfect either and they have yet to be proven beneficial in the long term. I feel happy and more secure in my choice to become a modern feminine woman. I have learned so much that I am not as easily swayed about my choices as I once was. I do not feel that my values, goals, and choices are mistakes that I will regret later. I have decided who I want to be and I'm happy with the progress I have made towards becoming that person.

The video below may be controversial to some but it is honest. This is who I want to be and these are my beliefs. Basically if anyone objects to anything they are free to use Ezvid to express their own views, free media is awesome!!!  :)

How to Look Feminine Video

Well this is a simple video about things women can do if they want to look more feminine. It is only about looking feminine not about behaviours or inner qualities. The annotations took forever!

Two More New EBW Videos

I really enjoyed making these two videos. It's actually a lot of fun. I enjoy watching them because they really show how feminine and beautiful Black women can be and the femininity of Black women of the past. I've watched both several times while making them and after adding all the labels. The more I watch the more I can see how to be an Elegant Black Woman. Notice the way they smile, pose, and have pleasant (non angry) facial expressions. I can also see that many of the women are wearing shaping garments like corsets. I love these images!

New EBW YouTube Videos :)

I just made some videos for YouTube. These are just image videos because enough of my thoughts are already on this blog. I think I'll turn all of my photo posts into videos. It wasn't hard at all. I used a free program called Ezvid and then added annotations using YouTube. I think that the difference between these women and the women we see in the media will be very striking. These women look highly desirable, approachable, friendly, kind, and like high quality women. These are my fashion and beauty role models.  I hope you enjoy these :)

I've Decided to Start Corset Waist Training

Embed from Getty Images

Well you may have seen this coming since my Thank Goodness for Lingerie post, but I have decided to start corset waist training! I ordered some fashion corsets ($15) each to start. They have plastic boning and don't have many of the characteristics mentioned in the video below about what to look for in a corset.

What to look for in store video, Tips for buying a corset online (MUST WATCH).

I am now going to purchase a waist training corset and this will cost me about $70 and I have been searching for things online. I've actually chosen one from Leatherotics and there is a review for it HERE that provides way more information than on the store website. Garters can even be attached to it! I'm going to pay extra for it to be made for my custom measurements because that's supposed to make the waist look extra curvy. I'm not going to spend over a hundred dollars for a customized corset just in case wearing it isn't as fun as I expect.

I feel okay wearing the fashion corsets so I think wearing the waist training corset will be okay. I'm looking forward to the benefit of it reducing my appetite and eating smaller portions so that I can lose some weight. It will improve my posture too and just enhance my looks. I don't plan on tightlacing too much or trying to get under 20 inches or something, it's just not necessary to me. I don't want my proportions to look abnormal or extreme so my goal will be 26 inches in the corset after I lose some weight (I was 28 inches the last time I lost weight so it's not going to be extreme).

I'm really excited about this because corsets are such a feminine piece of clothing, although in the past some men have also worn them. But most people associate them with highly feminine women. Did you know Dita Von Teese has worn corsets since age 22? Here are some videos about her corsets, VIDEO1, VIDEO2 pretty risque NSFW, and VIDEO3 that I agree with. She laces up way too tight for me though and can go down to 16 inches! Something about the heaving bosom, tiny waist, and curvy hips is just so gorgeous, womanly, and sensuous. I actually like the way the corset feels smooth and as the Lucy Corsetry blog mentions, there is something comforting about being bound, like a warm hug or being swaddled. As far as clothing goes, in the corset your torso looks perfect, no back or belly rolls, perfectly flat stomach, and your proportions are perfect. However, the busk in the front and the boning can show through tight, thin-fabric clothes so I'll have to figure out a way to hide that. I may even dare to wear one as outwear on occasion.

I think that wearing a corset will be my bit of edge, sort of. You know I don't like edge when it makes women look hard, angry, unapproachable, or masculine, but this will give me a bit of ultra feminine edge! Most women do not wear corsets and many actually wrongly think they are torture devices, painful, and dangerous but I'm going to bravely wear one. Some people may actually be opposed to me wearing one because of their reputation. It's kind of funny, on my journey to embrace and enhance my femininity I'm going back to wearing one of the most feminine garments ever that some modern women today would label as "oppressive"! Yet I feel it will allow me to have a super feminine body and free me from the oppression of worrying about my waistline and comparing my waist to others! Many people also think corsets are incredibly sexy so it will give me a sexy edge although I will not be exposing more skin or changing my behaviour in any way. Corsets will be "my thing" along with dressing feminine, being nice and polite, and wearing natural hair.

Related Articles:
Corset lover tumblr site (a pretty risque NSFW)
The re-re-re-rise of the corset
Waist training
Waist training 2

Thank Goodness for Lingerie!

When I first read about lingerie on femininity blogs I didn't understand why they thought it was so great. Lingerie was just expensive stuff that some women liked, usually only in the bedroom. It was like fantasy clothing that 'regular women' didn't wear. I liked pretty bras and panties but that was about it. Also when I was younger I didn't really need foundation undergarments because my body was different and I rarely wore dresses...now I understand their utility. If you feel and look beautiful that will be a big boost to your confidence and self-esteem, this will have positive affects on other aspects of your life, and this will make you more attractive to others. The big bonus is that many men LOVE lingerie too! They think it makes women look so beautiful.

Some women think of lingerie as torture devices created by some sadistic men who didn't like the way women were naturally built. However, I see lingerie as being the exact opposite! Instead, I imagine unhappy women going to tailors and begging for something to help them to look perfect, despite their flaws, so that they could feel beautiful and focus on more important things. This is what lingerie is for me, it covers up my flaws so beautifully that I look gorgeous wearing it, accept that I am gorgeous, and then stop worrying and nitpicking the way my body looks. I mean if this stuff exists then there must be so many other women now and through out history who had the same body issues! I am normal and still gorgeous! I kind of reminds me of the way there is no point in worrying about taking a photo with blemishes on your face because you know the image can be edited and even the most beautiful women in the world have their photos edited...I am not less than, I am normal. It makes me think that maybe all those women who look perfect in dresses may be wearing spanks, girdles, waist cinchers, and corsets to look that way and so can I!  Lingerie is like medicine for an illness (feeling imperfect) that not only makes you feel good, but it makes you a man magnet as a side effect!

Lingerie can be expensive though, so on my budget I'm just looking for a few things that will enhance my body in a functional way and will look sexy not embarrassing like that scene in Bridget Jones' Diary. These are my favorite 'hide your flaws and look hot' items:

1) Garter belts and stockings: Pantyhose and tights are not my favorite things because they often slide down when I walk and they often don't fit me well due to the size of my thighs. So instead of pantyhose and leggings I buy thigh-high stocking and tights.

Benefits:  Garters with stockings stay up well instead of rolling down when you walk. You can use the bathroom without pulling them down so it makes them less of a hassle once you have them on (wear underwear on top of garter belt). They make your legs look better because they cover up stretch marks and cellulite and make you butt look extra round and sexy. The whole garter/stocking contraption is just so sexy looking to men and they will make you seem like sexy fantasy because many women don't wear them. The tights will keep you warm in the winter so you can still wear skirts and dresses all year long. I actually make thigh-high tights by cutting the top part off of full tights...it works and I wear them with a modified garter (I had to attach suspender clips to a garter belt because the tights were too thick for regular garter clips). If you wear a garter belt at your waist it can actually cinch it in to make your waist look smaller. In fact, you can buy waist cinchers with attached garters!

I prefer wearing garters at the waist rather than

the low rise one in advertisements. I also prefer

the wider bands for extra support.

I like many of the vintage style

garter belts because they provide

more support and can come with

6 or more garter straps. The more

straps the more secure and easier

to wear all day. 

2) Waist cinchers: I always encourage women to exercise and get down to a healthy weight but what can you do in the meantime? Well you can wear a waist cincher! Waist cinchers are modern lingerie that resemble corsets.

Benefits: They cinch in your waist and flatten your tummy so you don't have to worry about it. Unlike Spankx they actually look good and are easy to get on and off (but they don't do anything for your thighs). They make your dresses and tops sit smoother because there are no rolls or bumps and they give you more of an hourglass figure. Some waist cinchers come with attached garters, or you can just wear a garter belt over or under it. Your clothes will fit you so much better if you are wearing a waist cincher and your waist will appear smaller too!

3) Corsets: Oh I love corsets!!! They are so beautiful and nowadays you can by inexpensive fashion corsets for under $20. They come in beautiful designs, with frills and bows if you like, and can be worn over or under clothing depending on the style. Corsets are one of the most feminine undergarments ever and they have an elegant vintage look or even a modern sexy look because they come in many varieties.

Benefits: They make your waist look smaller and more feminine and hourglass shaped. You will look like you lost weight but you do not have to wear them too tightly if you don't want to. Overbust corsets cover the chest so you do not need a bra. Therefore, they are great for strapless tops or halters and act like a bra plus a waist cincher (best invention ever lol! Strapless bras do not work for busty women like me). Underbust corsets are like waist cinchers but they are rigid instead of stretchy lycra or spandex and the laces make them adjustable. Corsets improve your posture and can make your chest look very large and welcoming ;)

Pretty overbust corset. Corsets with a lot

of bows and frills will be hard to hide under

clothes so this one is meant to be seen.

Waist Training

I think I want to start waist training! Waist training requires a waist training corset that is more expensive than a fashion corset ($50 and more). I watched a ton of YouTube videos about it last night. For waist training you wear the corset for as many hours of the day as you can and even while sleeping if you want. As you get used to a certain tightness then you gradually tighten it more and more.  The corset has to be well made and stronger for this so you have to learn about corset parts, quality, and functions so that you can purchase a good one. By wearing it most of the time and tightening it your fat gets moved around and even your organs move a bit. This is not dangerous or harmful if done gradually but you need to do your research about it. You need to learn about the quality of corsets and shapes, how to put them on (you actually have to tighten and loosen the back every time you wear it), and how to care for it.

Once you get down to a desired size the changes can be somewhat permanent, but just like with exercise, you have to keep doing it (less frequently though) in order to maintain your progress.  It is also recommended that you exercise so that you keep your core muscles strong and firm. I just want to have a perfect .7 hip to waist ratio so I don't plan of developing a wasp waist or anything. As soon as you put one on and very quickly afterwards it will look like you have lost weight and your figure will look very attractive.  One major reason why I want to do waist training is for weight loss. Apparently, the corset restricts how much you can eat (similar to gastric bypass surgery) because there is not as much space for your stomach to expand. So it will help me with my weight loss plans, I will instantly look smaller with better posture, and it will make me feel sexy...so many benefits! Wearing a corset and most lingerie is like having a sexy secret that no one (except your man) knows about.

Here are some videos by modern women who wear corsets and there are MANY videos and blogs about corsets. These are super feminine women and they are proud of it!

This lady has many videos on her Youtube Channel called Lucy's Corsetry. If you look at her videos (I must have watched 20) you can see that she is very feminine. She keeps her hair long, frequently wears corsets, has undergone waist training, and also makes corsets. This video is great because it talks about different types of women who wear corsets. She has another video showing how boxy her waist normally is HERE so you can see that weight loss would never give her these dimensions. 



This young lady is undergoing waist training. She is trying to make her waist very small. Not my goal but it's interesting to watch her videos and see her trials and tribulations :) You will notice that she is very feminine with long hair

.
I think this video shows how a corset, heels, feminine hair, and feminine clothing can really enhance your appearance. The comments on this video are mixed (some people think it's weird to to pose like this and the noises) but some men were really floored by her femininity. I think she looks fantastic! If you don't have a waist, you can buy one with a corset instead of starving yourself and self-criticizing all day.

Related Articles:
My life in a corset: Squeezing into a new dieting strategy (ABC news)
Waist training program

Clothing Men Prefer on Women

This post is about clothing that men love to see women wear. In a future post I will write about clothing I love to see men wearing because I have preferences and it's not just about women being appealing to men. I have no problem looking fantastic for my fantastic looking man! Of course you can wear what you want and take the chance that you will meet someone who loves your androgynous style or you may be lucky enough to see someone on a regular basis (e.g., school, work, social group etc.) so that they fall in love with your personality first. For myself, I don't want to take chances and I don't have the same luck so I'm going to put out the bait to attract men and look feminine and respectable while doing so.

I think one has to be cautious about accepting the advice of women who are opposed to other women trying to look good for men. Sometimes I know they just don't want women to get hurt with extreme diets or plastic surgery, feeling shame/sadness if they don't come close to meeting beauty ideals, wearing things that don't make them feel comfortable, or a fear that men will only like them for their looks. But some of these women may have personal issues that are different from yours, they may be very angry with some men in their lives when you haven't had the same experiences, or they may have very different life goals (e.g., not heterosexual, believe in having lots of casual sex, believe in open marriages/relationships, doesn't believe in marriage, want to raise kids alone).

It's even worse when some women advocate not to do certain things when they are the poster women for those very things (e.g., thin women telling overweight women not to lose weight, beautiful women telling less attractive women to not wear makeup, women in relationships telling single women not to do anything to attract a man, women who's parents were married saying marriage doesn't matter, women without children saying women can raise children on their own etc.). It's hard to know what's going on behind the advice especially if a person is really adamant about their views. So to be fair you should really listen to a lot of different opinions and then choose the opinions, actions, or goals that make the most sense and feel the most comfortable to you. This will take time, learning, and introspection. For me, I look to women who are in relationships/married for relationship advice or experts (e.g., relationship counselors, match makers), or even men since I want to live with one of them not another woman. Why is it more enlightened to cave to the fashion industry or trends by buying new clothes every season? I'd rather buy some classic, durable, feminine clothes that I can wear for years that also attract men.

So below are links to information from men and women about what clothing and looks men prefer on women. You can ignore all of this information if you wish :)

• 5 outfits guys secretly hope you will wear video (I ignored the parts about pants since I never wear them. I'm all for the sexy librarian look. I like simple dresses too)
• What men want women to wear
• Here is a link to some interesting commentary on a dating forum where a woman asked "why do men like women to wear dresses/skirts?" I like reading forums sometimes because they show you what a group of people, from who knows where, think about a subject and in this case it is one where men and women are seeking relationships. This is useful if you don't have the time or know enough people to ask their opinions. Notice how negative some of the women are about the topic (e.g., calling men pigs for finding women's legs attractive) and how many have gotten used to just wearing jeans and not doing much about their appearance. I like this quote, "The only good thing about pants on a woman, is seeing the shape of her butt. Otherwise, they look clunky and industrial. Now a dress... accents her curves....and flows when she moves. Poetry in motion."
• It's almost like a flirty thing. When you wear a dress sometimes men start to fantasize about you in a way they don't with women in pants. Some women may be uncomfortable with the idea of this fantasizing but I like it, and I think it's powerful to be able to attract someone's attention so easily. I just ignore the men who don't interest me and revel in the attention of the one's I like. It's interesting the way some commenters actually said the question was "silly" and that the poster should obviously know that men prefer women in dresses/skirts because they make women look more feminine, accentuate their curves, and make men fantasize, but really I think some women don't know this! Or they know this but they don't care because they are more comfortable in pants or baggy clothes for whatever reason.
• Interesting website called The Rules Revisited by a man telling women what men want. There was an interesting post called Feminine beauty is highly controllable. The article is basically saying there is a lot your can do to improve your looks if you are willing to put in the effort. 
• Just because...How to dress like the ladies of Mad Men
• Clothes guys don't want women to wear (agree)
• Things women wear that men hate
• Things men hate that women wear
• Top 10 styles women love to wear but men hate to see

Lessons we can Learn from Cheerleaders

I haven't done a "Lessons we can Learn" post in a while so here goes. I think that there are some lessons we can learn from cheerleaders! There is something about cheerleaders than drives men crazy and draws the envy of other women. There is a reason why cheerleaders are featured in so many films and even music videos. This begs the question, why? Being a cheerleader is a very feminine thing and unfortunately men are often ridiculed when they become cheerleaders. Some people see the cheerleading as being sexist but it has actually become a sport in itself with it's own competitions and awards. We can think of cheering games as simply practice for competitions instead of standing on the sidelines where the real athletes perform. I read somewhere that cheerleading is possibly the most dangerous of high school sports so I don't know if I would want my future daughter to participate in it, or in gymnastics though.

I think that nowadays the uniforms are too revealing and I prefer the image of the vintage cheerleader with longer skirts and no midriff showing. I don't think high school cheerleading is a big deal in Canada but our professional teams have them too so maybe the professional cheerleaders learned it in school. Perhaps they even get scholarships. Either way they are feminine icons in North America. Here are some movies/shows/videos featuring cheerleaders (or a cheerleader): the Bring it On series, Fired Up, Sugar and Spice, Man of the House, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Mean Girls, Sixteen Candles, Lucas, Death Proof, Can't Buy me Love, John Tucker Must Die, American Beauty, Jawbreaker, Not Another Teen Movie, Jennifer's Body (and most teen horror films), Starsky & Hutch, Saved by the Bell, Sweet Valley High, Beverly Hills 90210, Carrie, and Britney Spears' Baby Hit me One More Time video and Hey Mickey...that's a lot! Here are some lessons we can learn from cheerleaders based on their public appearance (in private they may be quite different...mean and trashy according to many of these films lol):

1. Be cheerful at social gatherings: Cheerleaders smile and present themselves as happy, friendly, and enthusiastic people. While performing they do not mean mug and they make sure to present themselves in a positive manner. They know that everyone is watching so they are sure to make a good impression that will not bring shame to their school/team.  Be sure to do the same for yourself at any social gathering, networking event, or interview. Just as they are ambassadors for their schools/teams you are an ambassador for your school, family, and employers and you are only doing yourself harm if you make a bad impression. 
2. Make friends and network: Cheerleaders tend to be very popular. This may be because they are visible at sporting events, they wear identifiable uniforms, they tend to be attractive, and men desire them. Because of this people know who they are and want to be their friends/dates. Chances are you are not a cheerleader but you can still make an effort to be social, go to social and networking events, be a good friend, and try to meet new people. Good friends will bring you happiness but avoid and cut off ties with those who make your life difficult (don't keep frenemies). Good friends and acquaintances may help you with many aspects of your life (e.g., job opportunities, references, mentoring, unique opportunities, introductions, and entrance to their social circles). 
3. Be supportive of your family, friends, and partners: Cheerleaders encourage their team so that the team can do it's best. You can be a cheerleader for your family, friends, and your man. I can't think of anyone who doesn't appreciate encouragement and support for their goals or difficult things they need to do. You can be that person who others go to for support. Try to encourage your loved ones instead of tearing them down and competing with them (especially your man). Be a good team member so that group goals can be achieved. This will make you a valuable person in the lives of others and make them want to spend time with you. Hopefully they will return the favor when you need support. 
4. Exercise and be physically fit: Cheerleaders must be in excellent physical shape and they are constantly training and eating healthy (they may go to extremes so avoid that). No matter what anyone says being too overweight or obese will never be accepted in cheerleading. These women are considered to be highly attractive to most people and they tend to be slim and participate in regular physical activity. They try to adhere to standards of beauty and to many they are the standard.
5. Wear cute clothing and accessories: Vintage cheerleader outfits are adorable! I love the pleated skirts, pompoms, v-neck sweaters, and hair bows. Even adult women can wear hair bows (e.g., around a ponytail), pleated skirts, and v-neck sweaters. You can also find pompoms on hair accessories, pens, and sweaters. Cheerleaders tend to be feminine role models for others and they take pride in their appearance. They do not want to be seen looking bad.
6. Have a life: Cheerleading is a sport in itself not just something revolving around men's activities. Because cheerleaders tend to be popular they have active social lives outside of school. To be a well-rounded person you need to have your own life. Find some hobbies, figure out what interests you, set some goals and spend time working on them. Find something to do with your days instead of just watching TV or surfing the Internet. If you are in school find some extracurricular activities. You may actually enjoy them and they will look good on school and job applications. 

Here are some of my past Lessons we can Learn posts. These are posts that look for positive things we can learn from stereotypical female icons that are sometimes viewed as only negative:

Lessons we can learn from secretaries

Lessons we can learn from beauty queens

Lessons we can learn from geisha

Lessons we can learn from Stepford Wives (lol)

Lesson in Extreme Ultra Femininity

These are two images from sites such as Fairytalefawn, A curious idea, and Angel Fairy (more practical looks):

In Asia they can find stores that sell ultra feminine 
clothes or they buy them online. Yes this style is 
extreme and I'm not encouraging so much but
there are some aspects anyone can wear. 

As you can see this look is MARKETED
 to Asian women in advertisements and 
in certain magazines. Why isn't the ultra
feminine look being marketed to Black
 women? Why are we being marketed
 androgynous or masculine looks instead?

From these two images and many others on the sites (there are many similar sites) we can learn certain things to look for in feminine clothing. There is no need to do all of these things at once, but adding pieces that have some of these features can enhance your feminine wardrobe. I have already read a lot about how to be feminine (it's not just clothing) but it helps a lot to see it in action in images and on film. I think that along with dressing in a feminine manner the women in such images also present themselves in a feminine way (e.g., innocent, delicate, graceful, elegant, poised, demure, dainty etc.). As we all know it's harder to find this sort of image of BW. Choose the following ultra feminine features:

Materials- delicate, sheer, lacy, frilly, bows, fake fur, nylons and leggings
Colours- light colours, pastel colours, pink, white, cream, beige
Patterns- flowers, polka dots, hearts, cute animals, butterflies, cartoon characters, nature, dolls, candy
Items-  feminine shoes, Mary Janes, no stilettos, cute purses, delicate jewlery, old fashioned items
Style- modest and covering the entire body, youthful looking, vintage, old fashioned patterns.

This is a current Asian fashion but as you can see they are wearing clothes that resemble the European Victoran Age fashion! Do I think that AW dress in a more feminine way than BW (and WW)?...YES!!!!! Because this look is MARKETED to them! Their fashion industry wants them to look sweet, feminine and nice while ours wants us to look like anorexic men! It's even more ridiculous because Western clothes are usually made in Asia!!? Asian women made a better choice to spend their money on feminine clothing rather than caving to MARKETING promoting looks like THIS, THIS, THIS or THIS (I will admit there are B-gyaru women though that I wrote about HERE, HERE, HERE but they are copying Western BW).

These women are not better, they are just LUCKY enough to have been marketed and sold a better choice! They are influenced by women dressing in a different manner in their media, fashion, and everyday lives. They are actually dressing European but since they are the only ones doing it this is now called "dressing Asian". I think that Asian women know that modern fashion is too masculine so they are looking for more feminine fashions from the past! They look more feminine than many White women who have rejected their own past femininity. They took over the style and now it's theirs. Why can't Black women take over a feminine style and make it theirs instead of accepting these unattractive Western fashions? Asian women are not dressing in a traditional Asian way but they chose a style that actually makes them attractive and enhances their femininity! Instead Black women are choosing to look like THIS (scroll down Why???) and THIS, and photographers and stylists are making them look like THIS (Why??? and from a blog called "Black Fashion!!?"). Why is it that Asian women can find images of ultra feminine Asian women but it is so difficult to find similar images of BW? We need more ultra feminine BW!

Saana Lathan and Gabrielle Union demonstrate

feminine dress: pastel colours. Women over

35 are better feminine role models than

younger women in my humble opinion :)

Saana Lathan demonstrates

feminine dress: Bow, lace, satin,

pink, and posing like a lady :)

En Vogue demonstrates feminine dress: this was how BW 

used to look, look to the past for femininity lessons ladies :)

Someone correct me if I'm wrong but has being hard and acting like men ever been encouraged in Asia to the degree it is in Western countries? This is why unfortunately some men (who may actually have personal issues) are saying they can't stand Western women and prefer other women from Asia, South America, Africa, and Western Europe because they have not rejected traditional femininity in their mannerisms or dress. These women go to school and work yet they don't need to look and act like men to do so. These men also say that soon after these foreign women come to Western countries they lose some of their femininity and start acting and looking like Western women.

I am asking Black women to put the race issue aside when it comes to fashion and behaviour and to stop labeling feminine dress and behaviour "acting White or Asian" and masuline/androgynous dress and behaviour "keeping it real or acting Black". If you are living in a Western country realize that those countries have their concept of feminine dress and it is what I have already described above. It was defined by the majority White culture in Western countries but it really isn't that different from the descriptions of other cultures as I showed in my previous post "Who is allowed to be feminine". You have one life to live and if you want to reap the benefits of being feminine then you have to fit the definition of feminine that is used by your country and agreed upon by women and men. You will have to ignore those women who reject traditional femininity and are hostile towards men because their definition of femininity is different from everyone else's on earth.

When I was growing up I had feminine role models like En Vogue, Whitney Houston, Saana Lathan, Nia Long, Gabrielle Union, Janet Jackson, and all the other Black female celebrities who still acted in a feminine manner and dressed in a feminine way. So because of that I don't feel like I grew up without feminine role models unlike younger women today. When I was a teen these were the young women I looked up to and I didn't think that Black women were any less feminine than anyone else. Look to the past if you want to see true Black femininity. Ignore marketing like this, The Tomboy look posted on Clutch...sigh.

P.S. If comparisons to Asian women offends you then read this article from LifeHack, take a deep breath, and heal thyself of your offend-initis ;) You know it's so sad that so many women have forgotten  or never learned what things are feminine. Here's an analogy I just thought up. In football each team has a playbook with all of the plays and tricks they use on the field. Men have a playbook and so do women. In the past ALL women got a hold on the men's playbook. From the book they learned that as long as they continued to act in a feminine manner (they ALL knew how to be feminine) they were more likely to win the men's hearts in the game of love! Unfortunately many White women threw out their copy of the book and are now using plays that win some women and repulse men. Many Black women also threw out their copy and a lot of the men with it! Asian women are still following the old rules that all women used to know and were once taught. Since they are the ones who seem to have "the best game" that is why I study them in order to "improve my game". Not only my game with men, but also with anyone in society who isn't woman-negative. Don't hate the player, hate the game lol! One has to question, why isn't there an equivalent ultra feminine Black fashion? Yes, yes, yes we do not always dress for men but it is the awareness of masculinity that tells us what is feminine when we are unsure (it's the opposite). If one is confused about what is masculine or androgynous then they will also be confused about what is feminine.

Rewards and Punishments for your Chosen Style

Education really can change the way you think about the world. It's really amazing the way taking one class, introductory psychology, 15 years ago could have changed the way I think about human behaviour so much! In that class I first learned about behaviourism and operant conditioning--the idea that people will do and continue to do things that will bring them rewards or avoid and stop doing things that bring them punishments. People do this and so do animals. So basically when people say they do something just because they "like it"  I don't really take that seriously. Instead I just accept that they are getting some reward for that behaviour so they keep on doing it. The reward could be external (e.g., attention from others, money, praise, etc.), or internal (e.g., it feels good to their senses, makes them feel happy, calms them etc.). Sometimes people don't even realize that they are getting rewards or that they stopped doing other things because they were receiving punishments (e.g., frustration, lack of attention, boredom etc.).

In my writing I often talk about doing what's right for you in your given situation (because what is rewarded or punished varies by situation) and doing things that are beneficial (rewarding) and not harmful for you (punishing). This fits with my last few posts because defense mechanisms (previous post), understanding the pro-woman line (previous post), and acting feminine in order to be treated better (previous post) all make sense under operant conditioning. There is no labeling women as strong or weak, smart or dumb, leaders or followers, independent or brainwashed, basically no judgements about the validity, righteousness, or intelligence of their ideas and choices. As long as what they are doing brings rewards and avoids punishments their behaviour makes sense. The person is not attacked (no ad hominem attacks). BUT what one can argue is about is whether a person is behaving in a way that will get the BEST, most FREQUENT, and most LIKELY rewards from PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY MATTER (e.g., have power to make their lives better). Their choice of behaviour can be criticized on these grounds because their actions may be against their long-term best interests. I think this may best be explained with the examples below.

Example 1) A young woman dresses like a male gangster because she feels afraid of her neighborhood and sad and angry about her life. She says she does it because she likes it, it is her way of expressing herself, and a lot of people do it:
 Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful and invincible when others fear her
-safe, protected, and accepted when in a group of friends dressed the same way
-pride and confidence when others admire her style and dress in the same way (because others think she's cool)
-comfortable because the clothes are loose and warm
-safe and protected when she passes men on the street who ignore instead of harass her

Punishments (cons)
- she feels anger and fear when police follow her around and harass her because she looks like a criminal
-disappointment and hopeless when she is turned down for jobs
-frustration, disappointment, and hopelessness when teachers have low expectations from her, fail to encourage her, and punish her more harshly than others
-sadness, loneliness, anger, and rejection when family and past friends criticize her appearance and behaviour and abandon her
-sadness and loneliness when people stare, avoid, or negatively stereotype her
-fear and anger when other people challenge her and act aggressively
-feels inadequate and unattractive when men don't pay attention to her

For some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. Basically for the woman who dresses gangster, feeling safe, protected, and powerful outweighs the unpleasantness of being avoided and thought of as a trouble maker. However for others the punishments will be too much and they will abandon their gangster style. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a gangster. In a safe environment this behaviour would be against a woman's best interests because it would unnecessarily get her in trouble with parents, some friends, teachers, strangers, and the police.

Saana Lathan, Gabrielle Union, and Nia Long, I just call them
EBW Gold! They are just gorgeous!!!

Example 2) A young woman dresses like a girly-girl because she wants to be liked by other women and men and does not currently feel liked or attractive. She says she does it because she likes it, it's her way of expressing herself, and a lot of others do it.
Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful because she can get others to treat her well and do things for her
-cared for and adored because people treat her like she is delicate and precious
-pride and confidence because other women admire and compliment her
-attractive and desirable because men notice her and ask her out
-pride and confidence because she looks a lot like the women who are held up as ideal by society

Punishments (cons; so I did finally come up with some drawbacks to being ultra-feminine)
- she feels disappointment, frustration, and sadness when some people assume she is weak, unintelligent, or brainwashed or another negative stereotype because she dresses in a traditional manner (e.g., whitewashed)
-sadness, disappointment, loneliness when other women criticize, insult, and ridicule her out of jealousy
-hopelessness and frustration trying to maintain her appearance and live up to beauty and fashion standards
-discomfort from wearing certain things (e.g., nylons, high heels, uncomfortable garments etc.).
-annoyance and discomfort from the unwanted attention of some men

Once again for some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. For someone who takes this route the attention, approval, and favoritism outweighs the cattiness from other women and the hassle of maintaining their appearance. For these women (like myself) the appeal of the rewards outweighs the punishments because the people most important to me will be supportive. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a girly girl. It could be the case that this behaviour could get a woman in trouble in a dangerous environment where it is better to go unnoticed or where jealous women have the power to make her life miserable.

Response to The Tyranny of Stylishness Part II

Continued from Part 1...
The other point that stuck out for me was the one about conformity:

"In covering our bodies — a very personal thing — women shouldn’t have to conform, cover our eccentricities and ethnicities, and act like ladies — unless we want to. The style advanced by “WNTW” is about rules and homogeneity."

For me, my clothes are not a very personal thing. My identity and my clothing are not so tightly linked the way they are with others. Basically I choose things that I like, look good, and will make the impression I want and if none of those conditions are met I don't buy. OMG it's so clear now...unlike other people who want to appear rebellious, make a statement against the norm, and view their wardrobe as a form of protest I want to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! I want my wardrobe to say to the world to the world "I am not angry, I am happy, I am feminine like other women, I am not a trouble maker, I am upper-middle class, I try to look good, I am easy to get along with, I am educated, I am professional, you can bring me home to mom, I am not from the hood, I fit the norm! Well I guess you could say my wardrobe is a protest against looking bad and the sort of "I don't care" impression I get with androgynous, boring styles lol!

I am doing things that history and society says will earn rewards and avoid punishment from the important people with power over my happiness. If the rewards turn to punishments from the people who matter then I would have no problem changing! However for some groups (e.g., Black people) popular wardrobe choices may only bring rewards from the people they interact with (e.g., friends) and others who don't matter (e.g., criminal rappers who don't know or care about you, men you don't want) and punishment from those in power who are quick to punish (e.g., parents, teachers, police, employers who will refuse to hire you). Remember I am just talking about the way you present yourself not about speaking your mind about injustices...actually if you fit the norm then people will be more likely to listen to you and take you seriously, so you would be more effective in creating social change. 

I know some people will automatically have a problem with this because they view "conformity" as a bad word and always wrong yet they do it every day in many ways. It seems like it is promoted from AAs that Black people should always be angry and protesting and if you are not then you are part of the problem (the fallacy of false dichotomy). Isn't it so true though, people say being White is acting like the norm so acting Black must be going against the norm. In their minds following any norm (even though it brings rewards and avoids punishment and may actually be beneficial) is acting White and therefore off limits to Black people. Hmm...it's the norm to follow the law so Black people should break it. It's the norm to go to school so Black people should not. It's the norm to get married then have kids so Black people should not. That's being Black and keeping it real right? Sigh...this is so insanely self-destructive it's like some Black people have chosen to screw themselves over while this so-called oppressor can sit back and laugh. Why not try to beat them at their own game instead of purposely accepting the defeated position?

I think that parents and school sent the conflicting message that conforming to peer pressure was bad (e.g., if everyone jumped off a bridge would you, don't smoke/do drugs/have sex/ just because your friends do etc.) but there is pressure to follow the rules, be good, go to school, and get along with others. There is also the encouragement of free thinking, being creative, and not being afraid to be different. But I think what was missing was talking about the benefits of conforming when it is beneficial because people do that all the time! It's common sense most of the time to do what is normal or doing what normally brings rewards and avoids punishment in society. 

That's the whole point of role models! You look at their accomplishments, learn what they did to succeed, and try the same things so that you can be successful. Most of the time they did positive and socially approved things like working hard at school and showing good character traits (e.g., determination, optimism, creativity, resourcefulness), and they chose something that tends to bring rewards in society (e.g., high status job, heroic job, star status etc.). There are also negative "role models" who are held up as cautionary tales or examples of what people shouldn't do. For example, those "stupid criminal" stories, stories about people falling from grace, and tales of people we know who ruined their lives and never lived up to their potential. The downfall of many of these people was doing something against the norm that had the risk of severe punishments (e.g., death or imprisonment not just losing money or failing). I want to be looked at as a positive role model who succeeded and did not cheat, steal, or lie to get to the top. Will you be looked at as someone who succeeded, tried their best, and did so in a respectable way or will you be a cautionary tale about wasted potential and making bad choices?

Robin Givens from the movie Boomerang. One of my

favorite movies. I wanted to be "That Woman", the one

who women want to be and men want to be with. People hate

her but she is successful, has everything she needs/wants.

You know she looks good!

Response to The Tyranny of Stylishness Part 1

I just read an interesting post on Clutch called The Tyranny of Stylishness. It was a critique of the way that the stylists on What Not To Wear pressure women into conformity as explained in this quote:

"I admit to having a love/hate relationship with “WNTW.” I appreciate tips on finding clothes that fit well or mixing and matching patterns and colors. But there is an ethos running through the show that sticks in my craw — a push toward conformity and a certain sort of upper-middle-class, WASP, feminine style and away from individuality."

I have seen the show but I am not a fan...surprised? Well I always did like a lot of what Stacey wore and probably even more now because she does dress in a feminine, upper-middle class, feminine way but no I don't associate that with being a WASP (really annoying). I have never liked Clinton's wardrobe! It's like everything makes him seem like a total snooty, snob but I think that's because of his voice and the way he says things. He does not come off as sweet, friendly, and open (pocket squares make him look so snobby but not on other men for some reason). I do think that they come off as a couple of snooty people laughing at the poor saps who can't dress because Stacy and Clinton think they are clueless, poor, don't read high fashion magazines, or low class.  This of course may not be true and I think a lot of it is because their voices are so annoying, sometimes they make jokes and laugh at the person, and I do think that they try to give the participants a similar look.

I also DESPISE the encouragement of excessive consumerism by giving people $5000 to spend only on clothes and pushing expensive items. When the prices are revealed at the end of the shows it just makes me sick because I know I could have bought so much more (especially at thrift stores). It also breaks my heart when women end up crying when all of their clothes are thrown away, when they are forced to cut their hair, or when natural hair is relaxed or made straight. I mean can't they keep some of their favorite items? Once they change their look maybe they will throw them away on their own. Why is it necessary to permanently change someone's hair so drastically? What is wrong with allowing a woman to have long hair if she likes it? I totally don't understand this "I'm making a change in my life so I'm going to hack off all of my hair too" idea...why not just change your behaviour?

Anyways, I made this post because YES I realize that some people think of my blog in the same way, pressuring women to change their style! If you watch the two videos the stylists wanted the participants to dress in a more feminine manner and I felt the same way about their clothes. But this is a blog and I don't go up to people in real life telling them they look bad or throwing away their clothes. But fashion dos and don'ts and best and worst dressed articles/shows are not new and people are always evaluating fashion. You are taking this too personally (I can understand because I have felt hurt in the same way when reading articles criticizing ultra feminine styles). Many Black women like what I like and already dress in this way even though it seems so different to you. Plus I don't have the power to make anyone do anything. People have to see the value of it and choose it for themselves. 

I actually love make-over shows but prefer it when the individual WANTS to change because they don't like the way they look, it's bringing them negative consequences, or it's not getting them what they want. These are the reasons why I have changed my style numerous times and don't miss my old looks. Some people admit they dress in a certain way to hide because they have low-self esteem or don't like their bodies, so they did not choose clothing just because they liked it. Others were tired of being criticized and since they were not that attached to their style, they did not mind changing. Then there are also others who change because they want to give off a different look that either fits with their changed status or make a more desirable impression. So maybe ask yourself "do you really like your style or are you just wearing things because you feel you have to, have limited options because of your size or finances, or just don't know what to wear to make the impression you want? Is your style giving off the impression you want at this point in your life and is it benefiting you? Why are you so attached to your style, aren't you more than your clothes? 

Read Part 2