Does Your Success Say Something About Your Character?

This poster is aimed at children who are just learning about character and good behaviour. They don't yet have experience with situations where being generous, loyal, patient, yielding etc. can lead to negative consequences. These are great personal qualities and everyone struggles with upholding them. These are all ways to be a "good person" who would make a good friend, coworker, or romantic partner.

Repeatedly online I have read comments from men stating women should ONLY consider a man's character when looking for a partner and not their education, job, or socioeconomic status (SES). I'm assuming by character they mean whether someone is kind, loving, nice, honest, "a good man", dependable, faithful, pleasant, supportive, fun, friendly, marriage-oriented and other good things that would him pleasant to be around. Some have gone so far as to suggest women should not care about a man's criminal background or past drug use because "everyone makes mistakes", we "shouldn't judge", and "life is hard" (but doesn't past involvement in crime indicate the man may be dishonest, uncaring, selfish, violent, undisciplined, and immoral?). These men insist that educational attainment should not be used as criteria when deciding to date a man and they love to say they are highly intelligent (with no proof), they know very intelligent uneducated people, and they know educated people who are complete morons with no common sense. They also insist that what a man is doing at the moment (even though he's over 30) should not be used as criteria because he may have some mysterious "potential" that will become activated if I love and support him!  

Some of these men seem to make the assumption that those who have struggled have better character than those who are successful and may not have strrugled at all! I do not understand where they would get such an idea. Since when does having constant stress, frequent problems, and being mistreated your whole life make you a happy, kind, responsible, and caring person? Wouldn't it be more likely that a man who grew up loved (knows what love is and how to show it), in a nurturing and supportive environment, with positive role models (who he emulates), would lead a happier life? Would he have a more positive and optimistic attitude, the means, and the ambition to seek out happiness and privileges that he can share with a family? If life wasn't easier with less stress, fewer problems, and better opportunities then why are people constantly striving for those things instead of the opposite? Of course people who are successful and privileged can be jerks and totally unpleasant to be around...but so can anyone of any level of education, success, or SES! At least they have their basic needs met and can provide that support when necessary!

I believe that your personal success can say a lot about your character and background. Based on what you have achieved in life people may make certain positive assumptions about you such as: you are hardworking, dedicated, intelligent, and ambitious because you achieved so much; you had a good upbringing, a privileged background, a good education, and experienced few difficulties growing up; you have good social skills and were able to network and gain support from influential people who helped you along the way; you have excellent stress management and coping skills; you were never involved in crime or drugs that would have led you astray and prevented you from achieving your goals; and you are probably good at making the right decisions and making better choices because you chose the path to success. Most people wish they grew up the same way.

Men who have been unsuccessful in life may be assumed (sometimes unfairly) to be of poor character or upbringing, for instance assuming: they grew up in a negative home and social environment, did not have their basic needs met, grew up disadvantaged, and did not have the opportunity to succeed; they may be poor decision makers because they chose crime over education and hard work; they may have attended a bad school, be less intelligent, chose not to strive for the best grades in school, or they were otherwise distracted or prevented from achieving in school; they may lack focus or they may have chosen an unrealistic route to success (e.g., becoming a basketball star or a rapper) instead of a white collar position requiring a university degree; they wanted fast money and to be extremely wealthy instead of middle class; they did not have the discipline to do well in school so they were not accepted to university; they spent too much time focused on chasing women or hanging out with friends instead of focusing on school or advancing at work; they may go from job to job starting at the bottom every time because they do not have specialized training.

People say that money doesn't buy happiness, but realistically, neither does love. Someone with money may be used, disrespected, stressed, and unloved but so can someone without money! A person with love can struggle to make ends meet, end up in a homeless shelter, be abused, and end up in a life of crime because they could not pay for necessities. The number one cause of divorce is finances (source 1, source 2; alternative view 1, view 2)! It is difficult to stay together as a couple of you can not afford to live together and raise a family. Financial problems can cause constant stress and arguments because basic needs are not being met so no one is satisfied. It's a lofty dream that one only needs love to survive but if we are honest, we know that is not true. Wealthy people do get divorced and they may be unhappy at times, but they don't end up homeless and they rarely need to commit crimes to make ends meet (when they do commit white collar crimes it's often because they were too greedy, made poor decisions, and didn't want to lose their high standard of living). 

No money does not buy love but it buys: food (especially healthy food), shelter in a safe neighbourhood (with a home security system), clothing (including suitable work attire), transportation (especially to work and school), books to expand one's mind and learn, internet (for education, entertainment, convenient shopping, and communication), telephones/cell phones (for socializing, work, communication), medical expenses, childcare, tutors, university tuition, vacations to relax and travel, unique experiences (e.g., unpaid internships, workshops, camps), investments to expand one's income, insurance, savings for the future or a rainy day, emergency money to help friends and family, and counselling for personal and family problems. Just looking at today's economy, stating that money is not important is ludicrous! Look at how losing a job has ruined people's lives because they lose their homes, cars, and sometimes their children just because they don't have the money to provide basic necessities!

I'll end with this point, I would rather date and marry a man with good character AND an education, a white collar job, and a medium SES than a man with good character, no secondary education, and a low-paying job. I think that the former would be better able to care for a family's basic needs and privileges and would be more pleasant to be around, especially because he would be more like me.  If you are like me then there are people out there who will automatically dislike you because of your privilege (but wish it for themselves) and call you every bad name in the book because you are not miserable and struggling. All you can do is go about your business and try to find happiness however you see fit. We can only date so many men and only marry one and who you choose is your business. It's one thing to be friendly, respect, care about, or be kind to a wide variety of people, but that doesn't mean you have to date anyone who asks! If you spend too much time dating men with problems you will miss out on the ones without those problems! In the end, if you make good choices then you will have plenty of proof that you were successful, happy, and loved and that is all that matters!

Becoming an Elegant Black Woman is Very Ambitious!

What does it mean to be ambitious?

1. Having or showing a strong desire and determination to succeed- his mother was hard-working and ambitious for her four children

 2. (of a plan or piece of work) Intended to satisfy high aspirations and therefore difficult to achieve- the scope of the book is very ambitious- an ambitious enterprise 

(Ambitiousness) Ambition is the desire for personal achievement. It provides the motivation and determination necessary to help give direction to life. Ambitious people seek to be the best at what they choose to do for attainment, power, or superiority. ...(source)

Everyone has certain ambitions and things they want to do in life. But not everyone is "ambitious". Some people are fine with their lot in life, accept things as they are, and feel that they deserve the life they currently have. Others are ambitious and strive for high personal achievement and to be the best they can be in all aspects of life. I have come to realize that I am very ambitious! This comes as somewhat of a surprise to me because I thought it was just normal to strive to be the best and most people would do so if they could (e.g., if they were not bogged down with so may problems or barriers). 

I think that wanting to become an EBW is very ambitious because as you can read in the header above, I want to improve myself so that I become a better woman of the highest quality, despite my upbringing or lineage, so that I can attract good, successful men of any race. An ambitious woman does not just "settle" for what comes her way or what people think she deserves. She works hard to achieve what she wants and to change her situation into one she desires. 

I think my ambitiousness was definitely due to my upbringing (thanks Mom and Dad). My parents always expected an A (80% or higher) on my school work and they enrolled me into a school program with high achieving students who had high GPAs when compared to other students. I worked hard because I valued education, I thought high grades were supposed to be everyone's goal, and I didn't want to be the one who didn't achieve that goal. I also believed it was the norm for people to go to university if they wanted a good life and I always thought that the only acceptable occupations for me would be a doctor, dentist, or lawyer (why not strive for the best right?). So I went to school and obtained my advanced degree. I wanted to be highly intelligent, knowledgeable, competent, professional and well respected in society.

In terms of my personal characteristics, I am ambitious because I strive to have good manners, good health, a healthy weight, an attractive body, an attractive face, beautiful hair, and an attractive wardrobe. I work to be achieve these things because they are desirable traits to me an others. I also want to achieve the relationship I want, with a man I am physically, emotionally, and mentally attracted to, who has the same attraction to me, who I get along with, has similar values, and is just as ambitious as I am. Then we can strive to achieve our "dream life" of a house, his and her cars, a picket fence (actually I prefer hedges), two kids, a dog (preferably a cat), vacations, security, and a happily ever after. Actually almost all of my self-improvement goals were for this purpose, to have this happy life of love, family, security (including financial), and happiness.

So in terms of my education and career I am on the right track and my work is paying off. However in terms of my dream life things were not going as planned. I wasn't happy with my appearance, I was single, and I was not attracting the men I wanted. So being the ambitious person that I am, I decided to do something about it!  We all know that most men like attractive women so I improved my attractiveness. I also learned that many men prefer feminine women so I learned about femininity (I'm still learning) and allowed myself to be more feminine. I sought out many ways to do so including: reading about feminine fashion, looking at clothing online, and buying a new wardrobe; reading about feminine traits, allowing myself to show them, and reducing my masculine traits; and reading about relationships, going out out on dates, and trying the new things I have learned. A lot of what I've read and heard about feminism doesn't fit with this behaviour so I had to stop blindly following feminist ideas and I have allowed myself to be critical and only accept what doesn't harm my interests. The funny thing is, being ambitious is often listed as a masculine trait! So there's some equality for you :)

Showing too many masculine traits, suppressing my femininity, and just going with the flow in my social life was not achieving my goals and I was not going to accept that. As an ambitious person I used my resources to change my odds so that I would be more likely to achieve my dream life goal. This is ambitious and goes against what many others believe. I do not believe great things will "just happen" if I am patient, hope, wish, or pray. I try to make things happen. I believe that people are constantly changing and that my personal habits are not "the real me" so I have no issues with changing some personal habits in order to achieve my goals. People change their make up and wardrobes constantly so I see no problem with changing my make-up and clothing to appear more feminine (it's not like I'm getting plastic surgery, degrading myself in trashy clothes, putting up with mistreatment, or sleeping around to win men so I am not harming myself). Also since many of us have masculine and feminine traits I see noting wrong with choosing at this point to express my femininity over my masculinity since I didn't really like the masculine side anyway. I feel happier being feminine and expressing those traits rather than feeling pressure to be strong, aggressive, and independent all the time. There are many women like myself who were unhappy with their lives and decided to change their circumstances. They want better and I have no doubt that many of the women we admire are ambitious. The only reason we know about them is because they were ambitious enough to stand out above the rest!

So are you ambitious enough to change your life, not care what others say, resist the pressure to settle for less, and strive to achieve you dream life?

Related Articles:
Ambition: Why some people are most likely to succeed (very informative!)

Why Many Black Women are Succeeding

I started thinking today about why many Black women are succeeding today and many men are not. Some of the reasons apply women of other ethnicities as well because women in most Western countries and Asia are doing better while men are doing worse. There are many reasons why these things happened but if men want to do better, they may have to take an example from women.

1. Women figured out that education was the great equalizer and a worthwhile pursuit. They believe that having an education or expertise in a field is the best (of course not guaranteed) way to ensure that they will obtain a stable, white-collar career. I think that this is the safe route because once you have the knowledge and degree it can not be taken away and usually you have transferable skills that can be used for many different careers. These women knew realistically that they were more likely to become teachers, social workers or bankers than musicians, actors, or professional athletes. Unfortunately, many men  now devalue education and waste their time trying (often with little effort) to become musicians, actors, and professional athletes (sometimes they use athletics to get into college, but their grades are usually poor, and their goal is to become an athlete not some other professional). Instead of staying home and doing schoolwork they are on the street, playing video games or basketball, and listening to and writing rap lyrics.  Women developed realistic goals and plans that included education while men developed unrealistic plans that did not require education.
2. Women stay away from crime. Women do commit crimes, but they do it at a much lower rate than men. I don't know why a woman can be poor and struggle to get by without becoming a criminal but it's harder for men to do so. Men will say there is pressure from their peers or pressure to have money so that they can attract women. Is it impossible to choose new friends and attract women in another way, especially when you are young? For some men who live in dangerous neighbourhoods they may also be dragged into gang activity to avoid being a victim. I understand that. But if you don't come from a dangerous neighbourhood what is your excuse? How is it that some men withstand the pressure? It really seems like the nerdy guys who keep out of trouble are the real men with backbones because they don't cave to peer pressure and become gangsters. 
3. Women fight to be a part of the system. This is a big one in the Black community. Many Black people are angry about racism, discrimination, and they history of slavery. Black women have chosen to fight for their place in the system, play the game, and win a good life even if racists don't want them to. This is the 'if life gives you lemons, make lemonade' attitude and they are attempting to adapt to whatever situation they have been placed in. The women know the odds will sometimes be against them, but they learn the rules of the game, follow the rules, and try to succeed anyway. From things I have been reading online, many men disagree with this strategy, and I believe these men are dangerous and to be avoided. These men believe that any cooperation with the system is a betrayal of Black people and reject the notion of working or being educated in the system. They see a life of crime as a way of fighting the system, they reject public education, and choose to self-educate by using questionable and often dangerous sources. These men (seriously) believe that they are in some sort of Matrix, eventually everyone will wake up, and they will be the leaders in some sort of race war! When this war starts they plan to punish anyone in the system, including successful Black women who they call traitors. I don't think I have to tell you how unrealistic and scary this militia, Black man rising, conspiracy thinking is but these beliefs are FREQUENTLY and CASUALLY mentioned by men online as though this war is inevitable and they will be the last ones to laugh and judge Black women when it happens. Scary right? 
4. Black women are living in the present not the past. One strange thing I have noticed online is the way men keep bringing up slavery to explain why they are not succeeding today and why they are not getting along with some Black women. I know when I started reading Black history I was so angry at the world and it made me want to reject everything that was not Black. It was a phase. I eventually realized that the people around me did not commit the crimes of slavery (especially since I live in Canada). I know racism exists and sometimes people are ignorant, but the people around me were not my slave masters! I was never enslaved and neither was anyone alive today nor their parents or grandparents. No one raped me or sold members of my family away from me. I never though I'd have to say this but slavery is in the past and you have to move on and adapt to your current circumstances. You can not live in the past so somehow men have to disengage these feelings that slavery happened to them personally and there is some conspiracy to hold you back. Yes, the system is biased against Black people but is rejecting the system actually working for you? Reparations are not coming and they probably won't help your situation anyway. Dreaming about revenge for past wrongs (or recent injustices) is holding you back from making the most of your present.
5. Black women are self-sufficient. Yes it's true, Black women and many women today are independent and that has helped us to succeed. Even the woman who goes on welfare is being self-sufficient in a way. She found out about an available resource and obtained it instead of laying down and dying. When men walk out on their children women take on the responsibility of being the sole care giver and do the best they can. Other women had the self-discipline to work hard in school, graduate, and have a career. They provided food, clothing, and shelter for themselves instead of waiting for a man to give it to them. Men have always been able to put their needs first but for some reason many want women to put men's needs first too! They claim to be strong but they are asking successful women to "invest" in them so that they can succeed. They blame the single mother for not being the best mother possible even though she had no help from the father! That's like a man giving a woman a 100 pound bag to carry and criticizing her for not walking as fast as when they were both sharing the bag! I wonder if these men would go after their kids if the women gave them up for adoption or the foster care system? I doubt it. Caring for your child is the same as caring for yourself! If you are not caring for your child then you are not self-sufficient!  
6. Black women take responsibility for their lives. This ties into the notion that women are self-sufficient. Successful women don't expect anyone to take care of them or give them handouts but they do expect men to take care of their children and carry their own weight. It seems like men expect the opposite. They resent any notion that the woman should consider a man's finances before getting into a relationship. Can you imagine, a Black women who will only marry a man if he can provide enough money to care for a middle-class child is called a goldigger!? If you think you can survive only on love then I doubt you are self-sufficient and know the costs of supporting a family. But, as I heard in a YouTube video today, some men think the woman's role is to be a man's helper to help him achieve his goals while his role is to lead her to do whatever he decides she should do!? Yes, he said the Bible says that's the way it's supposed to be (glad I'm not religious). He said his role is to replace his wife's father and she is there to serve him. Why is it that men need so much help and support to do things? Why are women able to just get up and do what needs to be done? These men complain that everyone needs to change without taking any responsibility for their role in ruining their own lives. They blame racist employers for not hiring some Black men while ignoring the fact that they are untrustworthy ex-cons with no education. They blame women's high standards and attitudes for the low marriage rates when it's the men who decided to use, abuse, and not marry them. They blame the school system for not educating Black boys when they chose to skip school, not do the work, or get kicked out while others succeed. This is the most ridiculous one: They blame a corrupt justice system for locking up Black men while completely ignoring the fact that almost all of these men are GUILTY of some crime including murder, rape, and drug dealing! Why they were profiled or unfair sentencing is secondary to the FACT that these men are GUILTY! They blame Black women for the problems in the Black community with no reference to their role in the problems at all. 

So, to any woman or man who wants to be successful, here is my advice: Get an education, stay away from crime, fight to be a part of the system, live in the present not the past, be self-sufficient, and take responsibility for your actions. Doing otherwise doesn't seem to be working.