Showing too Much Cleavage

I went on a great first date last week. It was great except that I wore an outfit that showed too much cleavage. It didn't look like too much when I looked at myself in the mirror, but by the time I got to our meeting place, my top had migrated downwards and my bosom was bulging to the delight of my date. We joked about it but I would have preferred to make a different first impression. I had worn a cardigan with a camisole underneath to cover my bust. Unfortunately, the camisole just didn't stay up.

Some of you may have experienced a similar problem. Due to the size of my chest I just have to accept the reality...I have to wear large or extra large tops to accommodate it. Most men think about sex and like to look at attractive women, but they do this more when you are bulging out of your top (or when you are wearing very short or skimpy clothes). That is not the look that I am going for.

Some of you may say this isn't a problem, show your cleavage, don't hide it, it's men's problem if they stare, and you don't care if other people don't like it. Well that's not a battle I want to fight and it makes me uncomfortable to be so exposed. Sometimes I want to get that attention, but it's annoying when I want to cover up by my clothes just won't let me! If you don't want a men starring at your chest all night or only seeing you as a sex object then this problem has to be solved. So here are some ideas I have used and will use soon to make sure that I don't show too much cleavage anymore:

1) Buy tops that don't reveal your cleavage: I bought some yesterday. Unfortunately I have a large chest and large arms so many of the cute tops just didn't look right (elbow length sleeves are best for me. I think I just need to lose the weight and then the arm problem will go away). Even if a collar looks good on the hanger, I have to try it on because they often end up stretching lower than I would have imagined. Trying things on is a must! If you are a thrifter and a sewer then you can buy tops with higher collars and then cut  and hem them so that they are the perfect size for you.

2) Add lace to the bust areas of revealing tops: This is the next thing I plan to do. I will buy small pieces of lace in black, white, and the colours of tank tops and other tops I already have. I will cut the pieces to the appropriate sizes and then sew them into the tops. That way I don't have to go searching for new tops and I like the feminine touch of lace anyway.

3) Add fasteners to gaps between button holes: I had so many cardigans that I wasn't wearing because there were large gaps between the buttons that revealed bare skin underneath. So I bought some clasps (they were inexpensive) and sewed them on every cardigan that needed them. This took quite a while but it was worth it! You can use metal fasteners, plastic clasps, hook and eye fasteners, or velcro if you want.

4) Wear camisoles: Remember how your mom would make you wear cute little undershirts under your clothes? They came in packs (e.g., Fruit of the Loom). Unfortunately they don't sell them like that for women so you will have to buy separate camisoles. Camisoles are good but sometimes they do slip down and reveal too much because they are stretchy. I think that I have to permanently shorten the straps on some of mine so that they stay up. You can also wear tank tops. I think that camisoles would be easy to make from t-shirts, clothes you don't wear, and some elastic, with some lace at the top if you like.

This blogger loves camisoles and states that you can wear many more tops, even revealing ones, if you just wear a camisole underneath (she has some good fashion advice to make the best out of your wardrobe). I don't recommend Cami Secret because they really aren't wide enough for someone with a wide chest and the bottom part doesn't stay in place. It seems to only work for v-necks (maybe I just need to sew a better version). The Essential Cami looks a bit better (hopefully it can be worn higher because even that shows too much cleavage for work in my opinion. I would totally sew that myself). There are camisole bras available but I would prefer something removable and changeable.

5) Sew up collars and revealing openings: You can also always hand stitch the openings of certain tops (e.g., v-neck tops) so that they are not as low. If a top can be pulled over your head then you can permanently stitch the spaces between buttons closed.

The most important thing is that you are comfortable and that you look the way you want in the clothes you bought with your hard earned money. If there are items in your wardrobe you aren't wearing because they show too much cleavage then hopefully this helps :)

What Kind of People Thrift Shop?

I think that Black women should really look into becoming thrifters. I aim this at Black women because I hear the statistics about how they don't have enough savings and thrifting is a great way to save money yet still get all the clothing and items you want and need. You can look very fashionable and people can't tell that you thrift shop if you don't want them too. You can keep it a secret and just have people believe that you can afford to buy everything full price ; ) So if you need to save money because you are underemployed, a student, or just want to save money, then thrifting is definitely for you. It's a great way to start off your feminine wardrobe or get professional wardrobe for job hunting or your new career.

Have you ever noticed that when you go to the mall the clothing items are very similar? That's because stores follow fashion trends so different stores will carry very similar items. Also, they will only carry items from the current fashion season which is again being trendy. On the other hand, at thrift stores you can often find things that are actually on trend because fashion trends come and go and old fashion trends come back. So why spend $80 on a pair of skinny jeans made last month when you can spend $5 on a retro pair (well if you like skinny jeans). Instead of just buying what's available and trendy at the moment and using that to determine your style, at a thrift store you can choose from at least 30 years of fashion. If you shop vintage of course you can shop and create a style from several decades of fashion. With more options you have the ability to create a unique style and look different from everyone you know.

You can also alter thrift store clothes and not worry too much about ruining the items. I finally got a sewing machine so I can alter the things I buy to fit me perfectly and I can also transform clothing items into totally new pieces! My first two projects were turning a t-shirt into a pencil skirt and making a loose skirt into a pencil skirt and they look great! So this will make thrift shopping a totally new experience because I can buy items just for the fabric (it's really expensive to buy from fabric stores), buttons, zippers, straps, and whatever I need to make my own projects. I have to goal of making every item in my wardrobe wearable. So large items will be resized, small items will be given away or somehow made into larger items, or I will take parts of the small items (e.g., buttons, zippers etc.) and use them to make new items. I barely shop in retail stores anymore so I could make it a goal to not buy any new (i.e., non-thrifted) clothing items for a year (well except for underwear of course).

I have quite a few projects already lined up: 1) add snaps in between cardigan buttons so that they close without leaving unflattering gaps (instead of cursing the size of my chest lol); 2) turning full skirts into pencil skirts; 3) turning dresses into skirts or even peplum tops; 4) turning mens suits into skirts, dresses or dress suits; 5) revamping old dress suits into more modern styles; 6) turning knit shirts and t-shirts into pencil skirts in many colours...and the list goes on.

So, some of you might be wary of thrift shopping so I wanted to show you some videos of some people who thrift shop. You might be surprised! They look very fashionable and well put together with great individual styles. Many of the vloggers below have multiple thrifting videos that you can watch. Notice all the name brands, store labels, and designer labels they mention. Also remember you can get great household items and fashion accessories from thrift shops too. Shopping vintage and buying antiques is no different from thrifting...you are buying previously owned and used items. Also, all those celebrities you look to for fashion ideas, a lot of them have stylists who choose their clothes and styles, they often get clothes for free, and they can afford expensive items while you can't. You have to live within your reality instead of trying to live the celebrity lifestyle you can't afford. Instead of spending money on clothes, spend it on your education, health, property, savings, and investments because those things are way more important :)

DIY and Inexpensive Ways to Feminize Your Wardrobe

We all have unique fashion styles, preferences, and shopping habits. This post is for women who want easy and inexpensive ways to makeover their clothing items or outfits so that they are more feminine or interesting. Some will buy a plain t-shirt and wear it as is. Others won't even buy that t-shirt or they will add flowers, lace, bows, or a print to the shirt because it is just too plain or not feminine enough for them. They feel that plain clothes are not flattering or interesting or they look too much like men's clothes (my rule is if a man could wear something similar then it's not for me). In the same way that some women feel that a bare face is too plain and they want makeup, some women think plain and unfitted clothes are boring and their clothes need some "makeup" too.

I personally LOVE Do it Yourself (DIY) fashion, refashioning, or upcycling but of course some people are totally opposed to it, only want new things, will only wear something someone else has made, and only want the "real thing". That's fine, but this post might not be useful for you. Maybe open your mind and try something new, especially if you are struggling financially. If you want to stretch your dollar, buy items that can be worn in many different ways and are appropriate for different situations (e.g., buy clothes that are appropriate for work but can be made casual). Consult fashion blogs about how to make many different outfits from the same items (e.g., 7 basic pieces 14 different looks). Below are some things you can do to improve your wardrobe and bring out your inner feminine fashionista on a budget (well these things will cost more time rather than money... it can become a time consuming but useful and fun hobby).

New Ways to Improve Your Wardrobe

1) Buy a sewing machine and start sewing: Altering your own clothes will help you to look better, save you money from tailors, and allow you to wear more of the clothes you already have. It can also help you to look great in thrifted items even if they are outdated or ill-fitting. You can refashion your old clothes/thrifted clothes into entirely new items and join the green upcycling movement. Lastly, if you make your own clothes sometimes then you can always get exactly what you want instead of spending a lot of time and money to find something someone else made.

I am planning to buy a sewing machine next week. I will start off practicing with scrap fabric and then start making alterations to the clothes I already have. I have already watched many sewing tutorials on YouTube so I'm ready (e.g., sewing materials tutorial). Later on I will start making over thrift store items and eventually refashioning clothing into entirely new items (e.g., turn a t-shirt into a pencil skirt, use t-shirts to make banded skirt, make a lace tank top). When I feel confident I will use sewing patterns (e.g., from Vogue, Butterick, McCall's, Burdastyle etc.) to make items from scratch but that can be expensive so I will have to limit how often I do that. PDF sewing patterns can be downloaded, printed, and used instantly so I'm excited!

2) Thrifting: Buying clothes from a thrift store is an easy and inexpensive way to add feminine items to your wardrobe. You can save so much money that you may lose all interest in buying retail (I have. Almost everything I wear is from a thrift store, I get compliments, and people can't tell). You can find modern items from popular stores (sometimes unworn with the tags still on) or vintage items that are one of a kind. Or you can sometimes purchase fabric or clothing items to refashion into new items (cheaper than buying from a fabric store). It's just fabric...think outside of the box and make it into whatever you want. There are many tutorials about how to thrift and women showing what they found at thrift stores (e.g., video1, video2, video3). Some people look down on thrifting but if you've been on Pinterest or YouTube you will see that all sorts of women are doing it and many are very fashionable (just wash before wearing items). I think that it's way more important to spend money on education, housing, investments, healthy food, transportation, and necessities rather than on clothing.

3) Pinterest, Polyvore, and YouTube: Pinterest, Polyvore and the Internet can give you many ideas about how to add femininity to your wardrobe. I recently started some Pinterest pages to keep track of DIY fashion ideas and sewing patterns I would like to use. Choosing sewing patterns is like shopping for new clothes except most patterns are under $6 and you will be making the clothes yourself. The benefit of using Pinterest instead of just bookmarking items you like is that you can see what you pinned, like making an online scrapbook, instead of just a list of links. You can also save video tutorials on YouTube and many are posted on Pinterest as well. Polyvore can be used to put outfits or clothing collections together so there is no need to cut up magazines (reminds me of Cher's computer program from Clueless). 

Simple Feminine Items to Add to your Wardrobe (many can be found in thrift stores. In DIY projects the way your items turn out will depend on your skill and artistic ability)

Peter pan or lace collars: Add some adorable to your plain shirts and dresses by adding a collar. These are all the rage and can instantly add cuteness to any outfit. They are super feminine, vintage, and maybe even hipster. I especially like the one's with pearls. There are many tutorials about how to make them yourself (pearl collars, Peter Pan collar)

Scarves: Tie them around your neck in various ways as demonstrated in this 25 ways to tie a scarf video. Or you can tie a chiffon or silk scarf into a bow and pin it to a blouse.

Spats: Spats are a vintage shoe accessory that have made a comeback thanks to the steampunk trend. I think they are adorable! You can transform any pair of shoes or boots into a unique vintage style or tall boot (tutorial Part 1 & Part 2).

Pearls: Pearls are always classy and elegant. I heard it was bad luck to buy your own pearls but who believes in superstition anyway? You can buy imitation pearls for low prices and wear them in different ways (9 ways to wear a pearl necklace).

Cute belts: My favorites are belts with bows. They are usually inexpensive and add a touch of femininity to any outfit. Here are tutorials for makingbow belts, elastic belts, and peplum belt 1, peplum belt 2.

Shoe accessories: I prefer the ones with bows (I love bows on everything lol!) or the ones that look like jewelry. If you have a pair of plain boring shoes then accessories may be exactly what you need. Here are some tutorials: add bows to shoes Part 1 & Part 2, pinup Valentine's Day bow shoes, add ruffles. 

Tights and Nylons: I really like wearing tights. I prefer them to nylons because they don't run but nylons are great too. Thick tights will allow you to wear skirts/dresses even in the winter. I like tights with cute patterns and nylons with vintage styles. Fishnets are also awesome in the bedroom lol ;)

Feminine tops by elegantbw featuring a tee-shirt

Feminine accents: Peter Pan collars, scarves, flowers, bows, sequins, studs, pearls, ruffles, lace, sheer fabric, satin, chiffon, stenciled/painted accents, appliques, polka dots, cropped sleves, peplums, blazers with feminine collars, pastel colours, jewel tones.

Alterations you can Make to your Clothing 

You can buy items and wear them as is. Or you can add feminine details to the clothing. If you can sew you can also alter your clothing to fit you in a more flattering manner. Once you see how easy it is to add feminine touches to items you won't feel the need to pay $30 for a tank top with flowers or a blouse with a studded collar since it is so easy and inexpensive to add these details yourself. Some of the alterations can be done without sewing (e.g., no sew hemming tape), with simple hand sewing, or using fabric glue if necessary (tutorial). Save money by looking for fashion inspiration online instead of buying magazines.

All of the looks below will depend on your skill and imagination. A designer or artist could make awesome alterations that you can not, at least not without practice. I strongly advise looking at retail/designer items for inspiration or else your project may not look very good. There are MANY ways to alter clothes, these are just some examples. Good Luck!:

1) Hem your clothes, shorten sleeves and hems, and bring in the sides of items that are too large (how to hem and fit a thrifted skirt)

2) Add fabric flowers, bows, or ruffles to your t-shirts, tank tops, and blouses (flowers, large ruffle, ruffles1, ruffles2, tulle flower, add frills)

3) Add lace/fabric inserts/add-ons to clothing (DIY lace sleeves, lace cap sleeve, flutter sleeves, add lace, ruffle sleeve, bow sleeve)

4) Add beads, pearls, or studs (embellished sweater, studded blazer)

5) Add an iron on or stenciled detail (use templates to paint clothes, lace pattern tutorial)

6) Use fabric paint to change the look of your clothes (sweater DIY, puff paint beads)

7) Add pre-made or homemade appliques (DIY applique collar)

8) Change the buttons on your shirt or jacket (self-explanatory)

9) Cut up a t-shirt and use a no-sew method to embellish it (tutorial)

10) Dye your clothes (tutorial)

11) Paint your shoes or add decorations (tutorial-don't like the style but you can do whatever your want, add shoe bling)  

Feminine Belts, Skirts, tights, shoes, and spats by elegantbw featuring a pink skirt

Feminine accents: frills, lace, peplums, flowers, bows, ruffles, polka dots.

Dresses For Work and After Work by elegantbw featuring sparkly prom dresses

Feminine accents: frills, ruffles, flowers, lace, bows, peplums, accentuating curves. These dresses are appropriate for work especially if paired with cardigans and blazers and if they are knee length.

What is Feminine?

Cross posted at Beyond black & White

What I Specifically Mean When I Say "Feminine"

Any time a discussion about femininity arises someone asks the question, "What is feminine and what is femininity?" Well I looked into it a bit. According to Wikipedia (I know it isn't an academic source):

Femininity (also called womanliness or womanhood) is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with girls and women. Femininity is made up of both socially defined and biologically created factors. This makes it distinct from the simple definition of the biological female sex, as women, men, and transgender people can all exhibit feminine traits...Behavioral traits generally considered feminine include gentleness, empathy, and sensitivity. (source: Wikipedia)

So, you being a woman does not automatically make you feminine. Anything that a woman does is not automatically feminine. I don't rely much on modern definitions. Why? Because in the past masculine and feminine was clearly delineated and there was no androgyny or ambiguity like there is today. It was simple so it was also easy to understand. This also doesn't have to be a scientific thing because femininity predates gender studies. You just know it when you see it. It may help to look at works of art depicting women. You might not like this, but realistic paintings like those of the Renaissance and French Impressionists (e.g., Manet, Degas, Renoir) really captured femininity, although all the women were White (please just imagine they were Black). I read an African American art book once and almost all of the paintings were depicting suffering or something edgy so they were not the same. Wouldn't it be great if Black artists depicted us in a highly feminine manner? Sigh...one can only dream. See the P.S. below for more tips :)

The femininity I focus on is old fashioned/vintage femininity, specifically femininity in Western countries dating from maybe 1900-1960. However Western women looked and acted back then is what I consider "feminine". I'm focusing on Western femininity because that's where I live. No need to be ridged about that image though (i.e., you do not need white skin, white features, or straight blonde hair to be feminine). What stands out about this look is that women's clothing looked different from men's and it was soft, flowing, and delicate with nothing androgynous. Hair was medium length to long. Other aspects include painted or well manicured medium length nails, especially in red. Subtle makeup was worn to look natural and to enhance natural features and clear skin. Feminine shoes, dresses, skirts, and modest jewelry was the norm. Basically Dorothy Dandridge, Diahann Carroll, Marylin Monroe, Dita Von Teese, and Zoe Deschanel stand out to me for having old fashioned femininity. Stores like ModCloth, Shabby Apple, and vintage/thrift stores sell clothing that I recommend to get this look. So nothing hard, edgy, or masculine in terms of dress. Back then everyone knew what feminine and masculine meant and there was no ambiguity. Some women may prefer a modern feminine look that includes masculine items like pants, androgynous styles, or edgy styles but that doesn't appeal to me and that isn't old fashioned feminine.

Feminine Traits

Today in research, questionnaires are often used to assess someone's masculine and feminine traits. I searched the interwebs and had no luck finding long lists of traits! But I found one, the Bem Sex Role Inventory (BSRI; 1974) that might still be used today. The BSRI lists masculine and feminine traits that you can read below:

Masculine Traits: acts as a leader, aggressive, ambitious, analytical, assertive, athletic, competitive, defends own beliefs, dominant, forceful, has leadership abilities, independent, individualistic, makes decisions easily, masculine, self-reliant, self-sufficient, strong personality, willing to take a stand, willing to take risks.

Feminine Traits: affectionate, cheerful, childlike, compassionate, does not use harsh language, eager to soothe hurt feelings, feminine, flatterable, gentle, gullible, loves children, loyal, sensitive to the needs of others, shy, soft spoken, sympathetic, tender, understanding, warm, yielding.

Based on the BSRI it's no wonder many think the "Strong Independent Black Woman" role and title is too masculine, that's because it is from an old fashioned viewpoint! I actually believe that Black women would benefit from adopting an old fashioned feminine look as well as some old fashioned feminine traits. I do not consider occupations when I discuss femininity so whatever you have to do at work is not an issue. I am not concerned about hobbies either or what you are good at doing around the house (i.e., gender roles). This is about feminine traits not activities or jobs so I do have some modern ideas about femininity lol! Traits that need to be turned off outside of work include being aggressive, defending own beliefs too much, dominant, forceful, too independent, too individualistic, masculine, too self-reliant, too self-sufficient, strong personality, too willing to take a stand, and too willing to take risks. These traits make people in general difficult to get along with and they bother people even more when expressed by women. Yes that's not fair I know.

From what I've read and heard from men, they are turned off by women who are more masculine than feminine. They are more interested in women who they do not confuse with men. So if you want to attract a high quality masculine man for a relationship then maybe getting in touch with your femininity will be helpful. I also think that some women may look better in feminine clothing. I used to wear jeans, hoodies, and runners all the time like everyone else. That was until I cut my hair after going natural and felt uncomfortable. I felt that I looked too masculine and I didn't like it. So I started to wear more jewelry and decided to wear more dresses and skirts that I purchased from a thrift store. I found out that the clothing was actually quite comfortable and looked great! I would not have known had I not tried! I have changed styles many times and this was a change that I really liked.

So if you don't like being thought of as masculine then why not try to be more feminine? It seems as though, once again, for a Black women to be considered as feminine as the average White or Asian woman then she has to appear more feminine than average. Old fashioned/vintage feminine women appear more feminine than average to me. I don't mind looking more feminine because I think it makes me look better. I don't mind acting more feminine or like a lady either because I think that it makes me pleasant to be around and that's a good thing. Being liked is helpful and being disliked is not. Fortunately for me it is also compatible with personality so it's not so much of a stretch. If you are used to dressing in a more masculine, androgynous, or edgy manner I would suggest you start with small changes such as wearing a plain black skirt, ballet flats,heels, or a feminine top and see how you feel. Then you can add more items as you become more comfortable.


Reasons to Become More Feminine

I am not of the mindset that you can only do things for certain reasons and that there is a "right" or "wrong" reason for doing something (outside of ethical issues and laws). I do not look at being feminine from a moral standpoint. I look at it from a behaviourist operant conditioning perspective and any choice that brings your rewards, avoids punishments, and doesn't hurt others is a valid choice. You can decide to be and look more feminine for any reason you want. If it makes you happy, gets you what you want, and doesn't hurt anyone then that reason is valid.  People do things for many reasons they are not even conscious of and how you present yourself is no exception. Other people choose their behaviour and styles for many different reasons and the choice to be feminine is no different. Here are some reasons why you might want to become more feminine or embrace your femininity (some may think that only reasons 1 and 2 are valid reasons but I don't):

1. You think looking and acting more feminine is true to who you are as an individual. This will be expressing who you really are and being your best self. You think that feminine traits are great and very attractive. You are naturally feminine.
2. You feel that society convinced you that being feminine was wrong or inferior so now you want to give it a chance and try something different. You had negative opinions about femininity but now you think differently. You realized that many people looked down on femininity so you rejected everything feminine. 
3. You think that being feminine is more attractive to men. You want to attract men or keep your man attracted to you. You think it will make you more attractive than masculine women including women of other races who choose to be more masculine. You think it will make you more attractive than you already are so it will be an improvement. You believe this will put you ahead of the competition. 
4. After seeing ultra feminine fashion you have begun to like it. You think looking feminine is beautiful, cute, pretty, sweet, and very attractive. You want to try this new style and have a makeover. You just feel like changing your style and trying something new. I made a video about how to look feminine, previously posted on BB&W, that may help. 
5. After hearing about feminine traits you decided that you want to have these traits. You think that feminine traits are very positive, pleasant, attractive, useful, and good traits to have. You think that having and expressing these traits will make you a better person. This video describes some of the positive traits that I like. 
6. You think that becoming more feminine will make you more likable and acceptable to people. You are being mistreated by others and think that being more feminine may help. You think it may help you with making friends, attracting a man, and getting along with coworkers. Strangers may be nicer to you, treat you with more respect, act chivalrous, and treat you with care. People may not expect you to be angry, strong, or independent so they will not treat you like a pack mule. 
7. You want to emulate a feminine role model. You like everything about this role model and want to be like them. You think your role model's style is perfect, she presents herself perfectly, and she is a great person. You feel that this will be an improvement over the way you already are (e.g., Michelle Obama). I made a video of 52 feminine Black women that you might like as role models. 
8. You admire women of the past so you want to look and be like them. You believe that they had admirable traits that are not as common today. You would rather be an old fashioned feminine woman than a modern woman (e.g., Claire Huxtable or Dorothy Dandridge). I made a video of old fashioned feminine Black women that you may find helpful.
9. You want society to think Black women are just as good as other women. You are tired of the criticisms about the way Black women look. You believe that Black women would be viewed more positively if they were more feminine. You are doing this due to respectability politics so your behaviour and appearance is a political statement.  
10. You are caving to the pressure to be more feminine. Wait a minute....While this is your choice I encourage you NOT to change for this reason. This post is not meant to control or force you to do anything. It was meant to present an option that I and others have chosen and enjoy. Don't do this if you hate it and don't want to. But if you do change for this reason do not be ashamed, it's just clothing and feminine traits are actually pretty positive. Even feminine women have some masculine traits, especially at work so you don't have to become a completely different person. If your clothing style is linked to your soul then don't change (it's superficial, relax) and if you are a tomboy and think you will die if you show a feminine trait then don't change. No one wants to see you miserable, that wouldn't be feminine anyway :)

P.S. This video of women in gowns may help you to visualize ultra feminine Black women. My Tumblr site also has many images and the more you see them the easier it will be for you to notice femininity. Focus especially on the way the women are presenting themselves (e.g., posture, smiles, expressions). Look at the images and use adjectives to describe what is feminine about the women. The most common adjective will probably be "soft" in appearance, expression, clothing, and personality (as in being open, pleasant, kind, affectionate, cooperative, friendly and the opposite of hard, inflexible, unapproachable, scary, threatening, or mean). A smile softens you and is a universal expression of softness that says 'I am a friend and I am not a threat'.

Related Articles:
What does it mean to be feminine?
What is femininity
What is femininity to today's women? "In today’s Western culture, a suggestion that women need to get in touch with their femininity is often met with disbelief and can lead to accusations of attempting to encourage women to return to the way they were back in the 1950s." LOL
The essence of femininity: Good
How American women lost their femininity
How to be feminine

How to Look Feminine Video

Well this is a simple video about things women can do if they want to look more feminine. It is only about looking feminine not about behaviours or inner qualities. The annotations took forever!

Two More New EBW Videos

I really enjoyed making these two videos. It's actually a lot of fun. I enjoy watching them because they really show how feminine and beautiful Black women can be and the femininity of Black women of the past. I've watched both several times while making them and after adding all the labels. The more I watch the more I can see how to be an Elegant Black Woman. Notice the way they smile, pose, and have pleasant (non angry) facial expressions. I can also see that many of the women are wearing shaping garments like corsets. I love these images!

Rewards and Punishments for your Chosen Style

Education really can change the way you think about the world. It's really amazing the way taking one class, introductory psychology, 15 years ago could have changed the way I think about human behaviour so much! In that class I first learned about behaviourism and operant conditioning--the idea that people will do and continue to do things that will bring them rewards or avoid and stop doing things that bring them punishments. People do this and so do animals. So basically when people say they do something just because they "like it"  I don't really take that seriously. Instead I just accept that they are getting some reward for that behaviour so they keep on doing it. The reward could be external (e.g., attention from others, money, praise, etc.), or internal (e.g., it feels good to their senses, makes them feel happy, calms them etc.). Sometimes people don't even realize that they are getting rewards or that they stopped doing other things because they were receiving punishments (e.g., frustration, lack of attention, boredom etc.).

In my writing I often talk about doing what's right for you in your given situation (because what is rewarded or punished varies by situation) and doing things that are beneficial (rewarding) and not harmful for you (punishing). This fits with my last few posts because defense mechanisms (previous post), understanding the pro-woman line (previous post), and acting feminine in order to be treated better (previous post) all make sense under operant conditioning. There is no labeling women as strong or weak, smart or dumb, leaders or followers, independent or brainwashed, basically no judgements about the validity, righteousness, or intelligence of their ideas and choices. As long as what they are doing brings rewards and avoids punishments their behaviour makes sense. The person is not attacked (no ad hominem attacks). BUT what one can argue is about is whether a person is behaving in a way that will get the BEST, most FREQUENT, and most LIKELY rewards from PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY MATTER (e.g., have power to make their lives better). Their choice of behaviour can be criticized on these grounds because their actions may be against their long-term best interests. I think this may best be explained with the examples below.

Example 1) A young woman dresses like a male gangster because she feels afraid of her neighborhood and sad and angry about her life. She says she does it because she likes it, it is her way of expressing herself, and a lot of people do it:
 Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful and invincible when others fear her
-safe, protected, and accepted when in a group of friends dressed the same way
-pride and confidence when others admire her style and dress in the same way (because others think she's cool)
-comfortable because the clothes are loose and warm
-safe and protected when she passes men on the street who ignore instead of harass her

Punishments (cons)
- she feels anger and fear when police follow her around and harass her because she looks like a criminal
-disappointment and hopeless when she is turned down for jobs
-frustration, disappointment, and hopelessness when teachers have low expectations from her, fail to encourage her, and punish her more harshly than others
-sadness, loneliness, anger, and rejection when family and past friends criticize her appearance and behaviour and abandon her
-sadness and loneliness when people stare, avoid, or negatively stereotype her
-fear and anger when other people challenge her and act aggressively
-feels inadequate and unattractive when men don't pay attention to her

For some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. Basically for the woman who dresses gangster, feeling safe, protected, and powerful outweighs the unpleasantness of being avoided and thought of as a trouble maker. However for others the punishments will be too much and they will abandon their gangster style. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a gangster. In a safe environment this behaviour would be against a woman's best interests because it would unnecessarily get her in trouble with parents, some friends, teachers, strangers, and the police.

Saana Lathan, Gabrielle Union, and Nia Long, I just call them
EBW Gold! They are just gorgeous!!!

Example 2) A young woman dresses like a girly-girl because she wants to be liked by other women and men and does not currently feel liked or attractive. She says she does it because she likes it, it's her way of expressing herself, and a lot of others do it.
Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful because she can get others to treat her well and do things for her
-cared for and adored because people treat her like she is delicate and precious
-pride and confidence because other women admire and compliment her
-attractive and desirable because men notice her and ask her out
-pride and confidence because she looks a lot like the women who are held up as ideal by society

Punishments (cons; so I did finally come up with some drawbacks to being ultra-feminine)
- she feels disappointment, frustration, and sadness when some people assume she is weak, unintelligent, or brainwashed or another negative stereotype because she dresses in a traditional manner (e.g., whitewashed)
-sadness, disappointment, loneliness when other women criticize, insult, and ridicule her out of jealousy
-hopelessness and frustration trying to maintain her appearance and live up to beauty and fashion standards
-discomfort from wearing certain things (e.g., nylons, high heels, uncomfortable garments etc.).
-annoyance and discomfort from the unwanted attention of some men

Once again for some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. For someone who takes this route the attention, approval, and favoritism outweighs the cattiness from other women and the hassle of maintaining their appearance. For these women (like myself) the appeal of the rewards outweighs the punishments because the people most important to me will be supportive. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a girly girl. It could be the case that this behaviour could get a woman in trouble in a dangerous environment where it is better to go unnoticed or where jealous women have the power to make her life miserable.

Response to The Tyranny of Stylishness Part 1

I just read an interesting post on Clutch called The Tyranny of Stylishness. It was a critique of the way that the stylists on What Not To Wear pressure women into conformity as explained in this quote:

"I admit to having a love/hate relationship with “WNTW.” I appreciate tips on finding clothes that fit well or mixing and matching patterns and colors. But there is an ethos running through the show that sticks in my craw — a push toward conformity and a certain sort of upper-middle-class, WASP, feminine style and away from individuality."

I have seen the show but I am not a fan...surprised? Well I always did like a lot of what Stacey wore and probably even more now because she does dress in a feminine, upper-middle class, feminine way but no I don't associate that with being a WASP (really annoying). I have never liked Clinton's wardrobe! It's like everything makes him seem like a total snooty, snob but I think that's because of his voice and the way he says things. He does not come off as sweet, friendly, and open (pocket squares make him look so snobby but not on other men for some reason). I do think that they come off as a couple of snooty people laughing at the poor saps who can't dress because Stacy and Clinton think they are clueless, poor, don't read high fashion magazines, or low class.  This of course may not be true and I think a lot of it is because their voices are so annoying, sometimes they make jokes and laugh at the person, and I do think that they try to give the participants a similar look.

I also DESPISE the encouragement of excessive consumerism by giving people $5000 to spend only on clothes and pushing expensive items. When the prices are revealed at the end of the shows it just makes me sick because I know I could have bought so much more (especially at thrift stores). It also breaks my heart when women end up crying when all of their clothes are thrown away, when they are forced to cut their hair, or when natural hair is relaxed or made straight. I mean can't they keep some of their favorite items? Once they change their look maybe they will throw them away on their own. Why is it necessary to permanently change someone's hair so drastically? What is wrong with allowing a woman to have long hair if she likes it? I totally don't understand this "I'm making a change in my life so I'm going to hack off all of my hair too" idea...why not just change your behaviour?

Anyways, I made this post because YES I realize that some people think of my blog in the same way, pressuring women to change their style! If you watch the two videos the stylists wanted the participants to dress in a more feminine manner and I felt the same way about their clothes. But this is a blog and I don't go up to people in real life telling them they look bad or throwing away their clothes. But fashion dos and don'ts and best and worst dressed articles/shows are not new and people are always evaluating fashion. You are taking this too personally (I can understand because I have felt hurt in the same way when reading articles criticizing ultra feminine styles). Many Black women like what I like and already dress in this way even though it seems so different to you. Plus I don't have the power to make anyone do anything. People have to see the value of it and choose it for themselves. 

I actually love make-over shows but prefer it when the individual WANTS to change because they don't like the way they look, it's bringing them negative consequences, or it's not getting them what they want. These are the reasons why I have changed my style numerous times and don't miss my old looks. Some people admit they dress in a certain way to hide because they have low-self esteem or don't like their bodies, so they did not choose clothing just because they liked it. Others were tired of being criticized and since they were not that attached to their style, they did not mind changing. Then there are also others who change because they want to give off a different look that either fits with their changed status or make a more desirable impression. So maybe ask yourself "do you really like your style or are you just wearing things because you feel you have to, have limited options because of your size or finances, or just don't know what to wear to make the impression you want? Is your style giving off the impression you want at this point in your life and is it benefiting you? Why are you so attached to your style, aren't you more than your clothes? 

Read Part 2

My Current Wardrobe

I just discovered Polyvore a great site to make online collages! So I decided to make a collage to give you an idea of what I wear. It will also help me identify things that I want to change. It's not bad for a first try but the ones by some of the other users are amazing!

The items in the collage are similar to items I have, but they are not the same items, colours, or prices of the items I own. Prior to my EBW journey I only had hoodies, sweat shirts, turtle neck sweaters, blazers for work, jeans, ill-fitting pants, masculine looking dress shirts, and masculine looking shoes. I didn't like my wardrobe at all. Now I am really liking what I have purchased (almost entirely from thrift stores) but I think I can turn the femininity up a notch by paying more attention to accessories and altering my clothes. These are items depicted below:

Skirts: My favorite skirts are my black pencil skirts because they are comfortable and they emphasize my curves. I also have them in brown and gray. I have peasant skirts in brown, black, and white and they are great for work or running errands. I prefer skirts over dresses because I think I can get many different looks with them.
Dresses: I have some summer dresses, party dresses, and sweater dresses for the winter. I want to try different looks with the summer and party dresses by pairing them with cardigans, blazers, and shrugs.
Sleeveless tops and tank tops: I have so many of these in every colour (especially turquoise!). I like the frilly ones the most. They are great under cardigans, blazers, or low cut tops. I have a few baby T-shirts that are cute for a casual look when paired with a skirt.
Cardigans: I have many of these too. I was influenced to buy them because they look so great on Michelle Obama. I think I should pin flowers or brooches on them more often, wear them with belts, or wear them open because sometimes they make me look boxy. I also have some shrugs that I will wear more often because they probably won't make me look as boxy.
Blazers and Jackets: Blazers are perfect for work or sometimes I wear them as spring jackets. I have to alter many of them so that they fit me better. I have white, black, and beige trench coats and I love wearing them belted at the waist.
Belts: I almost always wear a belt to cinch in my waist and cover the waistbands of my skirts. I love the wide ones that are almost like corsets but I will try wearing the skinny ones too.
Jewelry: I tend to only wear earrings. I love hoops and thread earrings because tiny ones can only be seen if I wear my hair back. I also can't wear dangle earrings with my hair down (my hair and I learned that the hard way!). When I first went natural I actually wore brooches in my hair and it looked pretty, but now I think my big hair gets enough attention as is! I think any more jewelry would be too much.
Cute shoes: I have many pairs of heels but I rarely wear them. I want to get used to wearing them again and I will try to bear the pain! I think the heels will really perfect my look. I just have to stock up on shoe inserts and cushioning. I also have cute flats with bows that I love and some sandals. I have flip flops that I rarely wear because they aren't very classy are they?
Purses: I have four purses and three of them are black (small, medium, and large). I wouldn't mind getting something extra cute in pink or purple. I just don't want to become obsessed with purses.

Ways to Look Cute and Feminine

I've been searching the Internet for ways to look cute that would be suitable for adult women who don't want to pretend they are little girls. I love kawaii fashion but I would only wear little bits of it myself otherwise I'd end up looking like Nikki Minaj. We have to abandon the hard, ghettofabulous, hip hop look and go for something softer and more innocent. It's okay to look like and be a girly girl! These tend to be things other women wear, but why can't we? So here are some ways to add cute to your look.

1. Cute accessories. You can wear cute ear muffs, gloves, scarves, hats, belts,  leg warmers, and arm warmers.
2. Cute outerwear. Choose a cute coat that only a woman would wear.
3. Cute dresses, skirts, and tops. Try to find dresses that are flattering for your figure in feminine colours and patterns. Nothing too tight or revealing. You will also get more out of your money if you buy dresses that are appropriate for work or after work (e.g., pair the dress with a cardigan or blazer at work). I avoided dresses for many years, but now I find them more comfortable than pants. They are more forgiving if your weight fluctuates and they accentuate your curves while hiding oversized hips and thighs.
4. Cute shoes. Anything with a bow, curved toe, and pretty colour is great.
5. Cute purses. These can be as adorable as you want with bows, hearts, flowers, and even cartoon characters if you dare.
6. Cute makeup. There are many videos on YouTube that can give you tips about cute make-up. Many of the one's done by Black women are too colourful and unnatural, but I did find a few.
7. Cute hair. In my opinion, cute hair looks natural not artificial. It looks soft to the touch and doesn't look like you spent all day working on it. Don't go overboard with the hair accessories.

I'll do a post on cute make-up and hair next ;)

Cute Fashion:
Kawaii Couture (great examples of cute and feminine clothing)
Kawaii Craving
Asianicandystore

Videos:
Winter Fashion Tips: Dress Warm, Look Cute
15 Dresses, Which One is Your Favorite (you can watch the entire playlist to pick out styles that would look good on you


Black Girls and Women Who Embrace Cuteness
Amayamor.blogspot.com (interesting post here)
Choco Barbie Girls (I wish they didn't get piercings)
Usagii's Blog
No Beauty Limits
NaijaBarbie