Being a Fake vs. Being Your Best Self

My last post made me think about the reasons why people change, whether those changes will last, and whether people are being fakes or their best selves. One of the quotes I posted stood out for me, "Some people change when they see the light, others when they feel the heat". I believe that the changes I have made are self-improvements, I had some negative and misguided behaviours in the past, but now I am being my best and true self. I do not see myself as being a fake. In the past I think my best self was hidden due to stress, not caring enough about my self presentation, listening to the wrong people, lack of knowledge including self knowledge, not realizing my worth, and lack of self-discipline. My better self was suppressed by all of those issues, but now that I have dealt with them my true, best, and most feminine self has finally broken through and blossomed. I am not pretending to be someone I am not, I am being the woman I would have ideally been had I not struggled with those issues. It reminds me of those movies where a nerdy, dateless girl just removes her glasses, lets down her hair, and puts on a dress and suddenly everyone (including her) realizes how great she is and wonders why she was hiding herself before! I was doing that.

I do not think I was that bad but I am a high quality woman and my behaviour and appearance were not consistent with that status...now they are. I also thought that many Black women were not carrying themselves like high quality women, maybe for similar reasons, and it bothered me to see them that way (because I do care). Some of my thoughts have also become more conservative with age, but conservative in the sense I can ignore the pressure to do things that more liberal people do that I think would be harmful to me (e.g., too much casual sex, drugs, too much drinking, not caring about my appearance, dressing too provocatively, not showing self-restraint, not planning for the future, wasting money on fashion trends, adopting new slang etc.). So basically I am able to say "NO" to the cool kids and I don't care if they call me a nerd, boring, or old fashioned for doing so. I think that not getting involved in such things makes my life easier. In my opinion liberal-minded pressure is just as strong as conservative-minded pressure, neither one is better or worse, and liberal thinking and conservative thinking both have their usefulness.

Below I have identified some of my current thoughts (A) and the thoughts of someone who is being a fake with regards to their femininity journey (B). If you have a lot of B thoughts don't feel bad. It just means you are not yet convinced (as I am ) that being more feminine is the best option for you, it will bring you benefits you are lacking, or it will bring out your true and best self. You may require more evidence from feminine role models, women who have uncovered their femininity, research evidence, and advice from experts (e.g., marriage counselors and match makers). Only after reading and seeing this evidence will you be convinced that your past behaviour was not beneficial to you and that allowing yourself to be more feminine would be an improvement. Once you think this way then enhancing your femininity will not be "acting fake" it will just be putting your best self forward to shine :) Some of this may also come with time, age, changes in preferences, and associating with different people because people do change throughout life. So take a look at the thoughts below and consider if you a an A thinker or a B thinker when it comes to enhancing your femininity:

A) I am so much better now, I was so misguided and lost before but I have finally seen the light. The real and best me has finally come out.
B) I was being myself before but now I'm being a fake. I'm doing this because people did not accept the real me and I don't know what else to do.

A) I was so mixed up before, what was I thinking? I hope I never slip back into being that person again. I have to make sure to stay away from people who want me to behave badly or settle for less the way I did in the past. I need to surround myself with people who appreciate the new me.
B) I was really great the way I was. I can't wait until I can be that person again. I will be myself with people I trust and only be my fake self in public or with people I don't know well.

A) I wish that women and men would be a bit more old fashioned. I admire the femininity of women and chivalry of men from the past.
B) I wish that women and men would be less old fashioned. The past should be forgotten because back then women were extremely oppressed and were forced to behave in traditionally feminine ways. I wasn't natural. Chivalry was oppressive and insulting to women.

A) I wish that more people would act like me because then the world would be a better place. I like me, women who are like me, and men who prefer women like me.
B) I wish that there wasn't so much pressure to act this way. If society would change and stop being so sexist, misogynist, racist, old fashioned, oppressive etc. then people like me could stop doing these useless things and just be ourselves.

A) If I knew then what I know now I would have lived my life differently. If only I could turn back time.
B) I have no regrets about my past conduct. I'm only doing this now because I think I have to. I wouldn't change if I didn't have to.

A) I wish that society was less tolerant of poor manners, swearing, and bad behaviour. It's just so gross and ugly.
B) I wish that society would stop making such a big deal about manners, swearing, and not conforming to arbitrary rules. People are too sensitive.

A) I love this dress! I will look beautiful in it and men will find me attractive.
B) This dress is okay, but I'm wearing it because no one will accept the real me so I will grudgingly put on this costume. I could care less what men think.

A) I hope one day to find someone who really appreciates and prefers the new me because that would make me feel great about myself. When people compliment my appearance and feminine behaviour I feel proud and confident that I am a great woman.
B) I hope to one day find someone who likes/loves the real me so I can stop pretending. That would make me feel great about myself. When people compliment my appearance and feminine behaviour I feel dread and shame because I will have to keep up this charade and they will never like the real me.

A) People who don't act like me have a lack of restraint and poor judgement. They cave to societal pressures to degrade themselves and settle for less. They cave to pressure to act like loose women that will hurt them in the long run.
B) People who don't act like me are brainwashed and oppressed. They cave to societal pressures to stay in line, all be the same, and not take advantage of their freedom. They should stop slut shaming and reclaim that title.

A) Women who dress too provocatively and women who are promiscuous have been brainwashed into thinking that these things are beneficial, empowering, and normal. They are degrading themselves because they have been duped by those who only want to use them. They believed the lies saying sex is no big deal and it is so great even when there is no relationship.
B) Women who dress conservatively and limit how much/the type of sex they have are oppressed and think that that this avoidance is beneficial, empowering, and normal. They are caving to the oppressive patriarchy and misogynists who want women to be ashamed of their bodies and their natural sexual urges. Men enjoy casual sex and women should too instead of attaching so much emotion to it.

Rewards and Punishments for your Chosen Style

Education really can change the way you think about the world. It's really amazing the way taking one class, introductory psychology, 15 years ago could have changed the way I think about human behaviour so much! In that class I first learned about behaviourism and operant conditioning--the idea that people will do and continue to do things that will bring them rewards or avoid and stop doing things that bring them punishments. People do this and so do animals. So basically when people say they do something just because they "like it"  I don't really take that seriously. Instead I just accept that they are getting some reward for that behaviour so they keep on doing it. The reward could be external (e.g., attention from others, money, praise, etc.), or internal (e.g., it feels good to their senses, makes them feel happy, calms them etc.). Sometimes people don't even realize that they are getting rewards or that they stopped doing other things because they were receiving punishments (e.g., frustration, lack of attention, boredom etc.).

In my writing I often talk about doing what's right for you in your given situation (because what is rewarded or punished varies by situation) and doing things that are beneficial (rewarding) and not harmful for you (punishing). This fits with my last few posts because defense mechanisms (previous post), understanding the pro-woman line (previous post), and acting feminine in order to be treated better (previous post) all make sense under operant conditioning. There is no labeling women as strong or weak, smart or dumb, leaders or followers, independent or brainwashed, basically no judgements about the validity, righteousness, or intelligence of their ideas and choices. As long as what they are doing brings rewards and avoids punishments their behaviour makes sense. The person is not attacked (no ad hominem attacks). BUT what one can argue is about is whether a person is behaving in a way that will get the BEST, most FREQUENT, and most LIKELY rewards from PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY MATTER (e.g., have power to make their lives better). Their choice of behaviour can be criticized on these grounds because their actions may be against their long-term best interests. I think this may best be explained with the examples below.

Example 1) A young woman dresses like a male gangster because she feels afraid of her neighborhood and sad and angry about her life. She says she does it because she likes it, it is her way of expressing herself, and a lot of people do it:
 Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful and invincible when others fear her
-safe, protected, and accepted when in a group of friends dressed the same way
-pride and confidence when others admire her style and dress in the same way (because others think she's cool)
-comfortable because the clothes are loose and warm
-safe and protected when she passes men on the street who ignore instead of harass her

Punishments (cons)
- she feels anger and fear when police follow her around and harass her because she looks like a criminal
-disappointment and hopeless when she is turned down for jobs
-frustration, disappointment, and hopelessness when teachers have low expectations from her, fail to encourage her, and punish her more harshly than others
-sadness, loneliness, anger, and rejection when family and past friends criticize her appearance and behaviour and abandon her
-sadness and loneliness when people stare, avoid, or negatively stereotype her
-fear and anger when other people challenge her and act aggressively
-feels inadequate and unattractive when men don't pay attention to her

For some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. Basically for the woman who dresses gangster, feeling safe, protected, and powerful outweighs the unpleasantness of being avoided and thought of as a trouble maker. However for others the punishments will be too much and they will abandon their gangster style. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a gangster. In a safe environment this behaviour would be against a woman's best interests because it would unnecessarily get her in trouble with parents, some friends, teachers, strangers, and the police.

Saana Lathan, Gabrielle Union, and Nia Long, I just call them
EBW Gold! They are just gorgeous!!!

Example 2) A young woman dresses like a girly-girl because she wants to be liked by other women and men and does not currently feel liked or attractive. She says she does it because she likes it, it's her way of expressing herself, and a lot of others do it.
Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful because she can get others to treat her well and do things for her
-cared for and adored because people treat her like she is delicate and precious
-pride and confidence because other women admire and compliment her
-attractive and desirable because men notice her and ask her out
-pride and confidence because she looks a lot like the women who are held up as ideal by society

Punishments (cons; so I did finally come up with some drawbacks to being ultra-feminine)
- she feels disappointment, frustration, and sadness when some people assume she is weak, unintelligent, or brainwashed or another negative stereotype because she dresses in a traditional manner (e.g., whitewashed)
-sadness, disappointment, loneliness when other women criticize, insult, and ridicule her out of jealousy
-hopelessness and frustration trying to maintain her appearance and live up to beauty and fashion standards
-discomfort from wearing certain things (e.g., nylons, high heels, uncomfortable garments etc.).
-annoyance and discomfort from the unwanted attention of some men

Once again for some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. For someone who takes this route the attention, approval, and favoritism outweighs the cattiness from other women and the hassle of maintaining their appearance. For these women (like myself) the appeal of the rewards outweighs the punishments because the people most important to me will be supportive. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a girly girl. It could be the case that this behaviour could get a woman in trouble in a dangerous environment where it is better to go unnoticed or where jealous women have the power to make her life miserable.

Blogging to Solve Problems vs. Blogging For Emotional Support

I have been reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and something stood out for me that I can relate to my reasons for writing and reading blogs. The book basically highlights that:

• A. Men in general (not all) work on their problems alone and only talk about their problems with others to seek advice or if the listener can actually help with their problem. If an outsider can't help, the man doesn't want advice, or doesn't believe the person can give good advice then he doesn't share because it would not help him to solve the problem. 
• B. Women in general (not all) share their problems because it feels good to say the problem to someone who will show them concern and caring. It is a way of showing another woman they are trusted to know the problem and the listener can show their caring. The woman feels good by sharing and usually isn't seeking advice or solutions only to be listened to without judgement.

When I first started blogging I had a personal blog in a blog community. I wrote about personal issues and was given support (sometimes advice) and I did the same for other members of the community. I formed "blogger friendships" online that supported me when my offline friends were far away or busy. I read posts about personal problems, offered supportive words, and wrote about my problems/frustrations/rants, and received emotional support in return. It was reciprocal and I actually cared what others thought of me. Now I reserve purpose B conversations for my offline friends who come from similar backgrounds and can understand my thinking.

However, nowadays my online writing and reading is primarily for purpose A, to find advice/instruction that will help me achieve my goals or writing to help me achieve my goals. For example, when I first went natural I read natural hair blogs because they provided instruction I did not have about caring for my hair, inspiration to stay on my journey by posting photos of gorgeous hair, and motivation to keep going by dispelling natural hair myths and fears. My problem was that I wanted gorgeous natural hair and the internet provided the instruction, inspiration, and motivation I needed. Now that I have achieved that goal I don't read them much anymore. I am doing the same thing with my goal to become the ultimate feminine woman by seeking instruction regarding feminine behaviour, appearance, and values; inspiration from feminine women and photos of role models; and motivation to stay on track from other women with the same goal. Reading blogs for purpose A improves my mood because I feel happy that my goals will soon be achieved and they are not impossible. All of my offline reading is for the same purpose of helping me with a goal (e.g., dating, cooking, improving my career, educational etc.). 

Unfortunately when I read many popular, non-personal Black blogs there are too many posts with purpose B, to allow the writer to vent about a problem/frustration, find support from people who have the same problem/opinion that something is a problem, and for others to vent about the issue in the comments. Sometimes someone offers solutions (that are often ignored, ridiculed, or dismissed), the problem is so big there isn't much an individual can do about it without vast resources and motivation, and the readers (if they are honest) aren't planning to do anything and are waiting for someone else to solve the problem (e.g, the government or the media). So basically it's a depressing or angry story that brings down my mood, provides no solutions, and my listening to the problem will not be reciprocated because I'm not interested in personal blogging and blog friends anymore (I'm focusing on making friends offline who I can spend time with and have reciprocal relationships with). 

Reading such blogs doesn't fulfill my A purposes but instead arouses negative emotions for no good reason! In the past when I was stressed and frustrated maybe I was so used to the feelings that I didn't mind dwelling on those feelings when expressed by others (but it wasn't good for me). It's so true that people who are unhappy with their own lives are often the ones arguing online and dwelling on negative things like some sort of groupthink (seriously read this description because Black groupthink it rampant)! Now, because I'm in such a positive mood and goal oriented I feel immense irritation when those posts "ruin my buzz"! I feel happy so I only want to be surrounded by things that maintain and enhance those feelings and I'm hyper-sensitive to the negativity that others may not perceive as negative at all! This is why I'm not into watching many drama films and instead watch films that won't make me sad. These purpose B posts all seem like "Negative Nancy" posts to me because I'm in such a good mood all the time and not seeing the value of purpose B articles on non-personal blogs (everybody has problems). There is something about venting on large-readership, issue-based blogs that doesn't appeal to me or make sense. This is also why blog posts by others of purpose B seem so overblown, negative, self-defeating, and unhealthy to me. Are these posts really helpful to the large audiences that read them or are they just a temporary fix that is actually helping the audience stay in a negative, depressed, oppressed, and helpless state of mind? In contrast, when news sites report on terrible things I definitely don't get the same feelings because the reporter is detached, not asking the reader to do something, or never implying that they are a bad person for not being alarmed by the issue. 

So what this reveals to me is that my reasons for blogging/reading blogs may be incompatible with many posts on some Black blogs, I need to find sites oriented towards my goals, read more of the positive articles instead of skipping them (out of strange fear that they will be boring lol), read current event on news sites instead of emotion-arousing blogs, read entertaining instead of controversial posts, and just read more books offline.