Rewards and Punishments for your Chosen Style

Education really can change the way you think about the world. It's really amazing the way taking one class, introductory psychology, 15 years ago could have changed the way I think about human behaviour so much! In that class I first learned about behaviourism and operant conditioning--the idea that people will do and continue to do things that will bring them rewards or avoid and stop doing things that bring them punishments. People do this and so do animals. So basically when people say they do something just because they "like it"  I don't really take that seriously. Instead I just accept that they are getting some reward for that behaviour so they keep on doing it. The reward could be external (e.g., attention from others, money, praise, etc.), or internal (e.g., it feels good to their senses, makes them feel happy, calms them etc.). Sometimes people don't even realize that they are getting rewards or that they stopped doing other things because they were receiving punishments (e.g., frustration, lack of attention, boredom etc.).

In my writing I often talk about doing what's right for you in your given situation (because what is rewarded or punished varies by situation) and doing things that are beneficial (rewarding) and not harmful for you (punishing). This fits with my last few posts because defense mechanisms (previous post), understanding the pro-woman line (previous post), and acting feminine in order to be treated better (previous post) all make sense under operant conditioning. There is no labeling women as strong or weak, smart or dumb, leaders or followers, independent or brainwashed, basically no judgements about the validity, righteousness, or intelligence of their ideas and choices. As long as what they are doing brings rewards and avoids punishments their behaviour makes sense. The person is not attacked (no ad hominem attacks). BUT what one can argue is about is whether a person is behaving in a way that will get the BEST, most FREQUENT, and most LIKELY rewards from PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY MATTER (e.g., have power to make their lives better). Their choice of behaviour can be criticized on these grounds because their actions may be against their long-term best interests. I think this may best be explained with the examples below.

Example 1) A young woman dresses like a male gangster because she feels afraid of her neighborhood and sad and angry about her life. She says she does it because she likes it, it is her way of expressing herself, and a lot of people do it:
 Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful and invincible when others fear her
-safe, protected, and accepted when in a group of friends dressed the same way
-pride and confidence when others admire her style and dress in the same way (because others think she's cool)
-comfortable because the clothes are loose and warm
-safe and protected when she passes men on the street who ignore instead of harass her

Punishments (cons)
- she feels anger and fear when police follow her around and harass her because she looks like a criminal
-disappointment and hopeless when she is turned down for jobs
-frustration, disappointment, and hopelessness when teachers have low expectations from her, fail to encourage her, and punish her more harshly than others
-sadness, loneliness, anger, and rejection when family and past friends criticize her appearance and behaviour and abandon her
-sadness and loneliness when people stare, avoid, or negatively stereotype her
-fear and anger when other people challenge her and act aggressively
-feels inadequate and unattractive when men don't pay attention to her

For some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. Basically for the woman who dresses gangster, feeling safe, protected, and powerful outweighs the unpleasantness of being avoided and thought of as a trouble maker. However for others the punishments will be too much and they will abandon their gangster style. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a gangster. In a safe environment this behaviour would be against a woman's best interests because it would unnecessarily get her in trouble with parents, some friends, teachers, strangers, and the police.

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Example 2) A young woman dresses like a girly-girl because she wants to be liked by other women and men and does not currently feel liked or attractive. She says she does it because she likes it, it's her way of expressing herself, and a lot of others do it.
Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful because she can get others to treat her well and do things for her
-cared for and adored because people treat her like she is delicate and precious
-pride and confidence because other women admire and compliment her
-attractive and desirable because men notice her and ask her out
-pride and confidence because she looks a lot like the women who are held up as ideal by society

Punishments (cons; so I did finally come up with some drawbacks to being ultra-feminine)
- she feels disappointment, frustration, and sadness when some people assume she is weak, unintelligent, or brainwashed or another negative stereotype because she dresses in a traditional manner (e.g., whitewashed)
-sadness, disappointment, loneliness when other women criticize, insult, and ridicule her out of jealousy
-hopelessness and frustration trying to maintain her appearance and live up to beauty and fashion standards
-discomfort from wearing certain things (e.g., nylons, high heels, uncomfortable garments etc.).
-annoyance and discomfort from the unwanted attention of some men

Once again for some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. For someone who takes this route the attention, approval, and favoritism outweighs the cattiness from other women and the hassle of maintaining their appearance. For these women (like myself) the appeal of the rewards outweighs the punishments because the people most important to me will be supportive. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a girly girl. It could be the case that this behaviour could get a woman in trouble in a dangerous environment where it is better to go unnoticed or where jealous women have the power to make her life miserable.

Contradictions and Dangerous Messages

Things have become so twisted! Things that were once considered "common sense, "normal", and "reasonable" are regarded as abnormal and totally untrue by many Western people. I think that if you want to save yourself, succeed, and live a great life you need to limit your interactions to people who have the same viewpoints and only listen to advice from people who are actually successful and leading great lives. We need to only listen to the advice of successful and happy people who have achieved what we want or value the things we want to achieve.

Anyone else is a confusing distraction that may derail your common sense and stop you from protecting yourself. I don't think the people who make the suspect/hypocritical comments are malicious or stupid. I just think that when you are swimming in the mess it is too stressful and emotional to see the easier way out. Sticking to self-defeating and hypocritical beliefs is a defense mechanism to protect their self-esteem. Some of them will eventually figure out how to get out of their own way but unfortunately many will not. Please take the time to think about the major choices you make in your life, the reasons why you made the choice (they may be unconscious and impossible to know unfortunately), the benefits, and the drawbacks. Only after thorough introspection can you decide to change or stay the same. Whatever you decide, you are responsible for your choice and must live with the positive or negative consequences. You have choices!

We can choose to be whatever women we want to be and I thank Feminism for that. There is no lifestyle or fashion choice that does not  make a statement or trigger stereotypes in other people and this is largely beyond their control. Whatever choice you make there will be consequences that may be unpleasant and unfair. Your desire to be free of judgement/harm is not a protective bubble that can shield you from that judgment/harm. Choose wisely and put your safety above your need to not offend others because you are ultimately the only one responsible for your own safety. Failing to protect yourself will end up hurting you more than anyone else. Focus on the things you can actually control and you can control many things in your life.

If the following public statements below are said in Western countries (especially in the Black community) the speaker may be called a stupid idiot who can not think for themselves, a mindless tool of patriarchy, or a white-washed sell-out when to me they are just normal things or common sense:

A. "I only wear dresses."  -said by woman in vintage dress, found in a tiny thrift store, that no one else in the room is wearing.
"Why are you such a mindless follower? A woman can wear anything she wants now!" -said by woman in jeans and T-shirt, bought at WalMart, dressed like everyone else in the room.

B. "I really want to get married."
"There is no reason to get married it's 2012!" -Note that wanting to get married and getting married has been THE NORM all over the world for hundreds of years yet it is dismissed as useless. People have been doing something for hundreds of years for no good reason and it has never benefited anyone?

C. "I really want to have children."
"Women were not put on this earth to be baby factories!" -The only way to continue the human race is to produce children, it is the only way to pass on your genes, and women are the only people capable of giving birth. You can opt out but someone has to do it. Should your mother have opted out?

D. "Education is very important to me and there are many benefits of an education." - said by woman with Master's degree who's parents both have degrees.
"Institutionalized education is useless. Street knowledge is more important. Your education means nothing to me and anyone who wastes time with that is stupid" -said by man with no university education, who's parents never went to university, asking the woman for a date. Why are you judging the value of something you have NO EXPERIENCE with? Why would she want someone who thinks she's stupid and doesn't have the same values?

E. "I like doing things to please my man and he really appreciates it." -said by woman in happy relationship.
"You shouldn't have to do anything to please anyone else! Just be yourself!" - said by woman who's last boyfriend dumped her because she had a bad attitude, constantly started arguments, and said she did not need him." Why exactly would someone be with you when the experience is miserable instead of pleasurable?

F. "I want to lose some weight so that I can be more attractive, become healthier, and live a long life." -said by woman who is 20 pounds overweight according to medical standards.

"You can be fit and fat. Big can be beautiful so you shouldn't do anything!" -sadly said by obese woman, struggling with high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, difficulty walking, and low self-esteem.

G. "I refuse to listen to hip hop music because it degrades Black men and women and spreads negative stereotypes about us." -said by man in business suit listening to Maxwell (neo soul).

"You are a sell-out! You hate Black people! You are a tool of the racist White man!" -says man blaring music lyrics calling women "h***", men "n******", bragging about the respect one gets for being a "gangsta" (i.e., criminal), produced by Sony (White owned company). Listening to and buying hip hop and dressing like a "gangsta" is a great way to help Black people and reduce stereotyping? I guess we should forget about showing the world we are intelligent, educated, law-abiding, moral, respectable, friendly, easy to get along with and JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? Silly me, I forgot that we aren't supposed to do anything that would please anyone else even if these qualities are considered NORMAL, DESIRABLE to society, and BENEFICIAL to those possessing these qualities.

H. "You just have to ignore the negativity, focus on achieving your success goals using the resources that are available to you, and protect yourself from harm the best you can." -said by man with successful, self-started business that used his earnings to move to a crime-free neighborhood.

"There is nothing an individual can do. The world is against us. We need to pressure other people to sacrifice their own well-being to save us because it is their fault we are here. We can not save or protect ourselves so we should not even try to." -sadly said by Black and Feminist activists demanding empowerment. What if everyone refuses to save or protect us? What should we do then?

Life Choices and The Decision to Change

What is the fastest, easiest, least expensive, most effective, and most personally beneficial way to combat a negative stereotype?

1. Create an educational campaign to dispel the stereotype using science, statistics, creative art, and personal anecdotes?
2. Explain the historical and contemporary reasons for why the stereotype exists?
3. Shame the believers of the stereotype by calling them racist, sexist, stupid, small-minded etc?
4. Purposely embrace and promote the stereotype so that it possibly transforms into a positive and desirable attribute?
5. Immediately stop behaving or looking like the stereotype and telling friends and family to do the same?

I believe the answer is 5. There are many recent examples of activism that focuses on anything but 5. For example:

1. Create an educational campaign to dispel the stereotype using science, statistics, and personal anecdotes. This is expensive, time consuming, slow, but necessary for long-term change. This includes conducting university research, public surveys, creating educational courses, writing books and making films and television shows about exceptions. For example efforts to create better, self-produced Black media with positive images, Black female admiration blogs, women's television channels, women's studies.
2. Explain the historical and contemporary reasons why the stereotype exists. This is time consuming, speculative, only beneficial if it is a springboard for change, redundant.  It is necessary because sometimes awareness is needed before people realize there is a problem and decide to fix it. Examples include constantly explaining the effects of slavery, patriarchy, the War on Drugs, pornography, poverty, feminism etc. 
3. Shame and defame the believers of the stereotype by calling them racist, sexist, stupid, small-minded etc. Time consuming, angers the person into accepting the stereotype more out of spite, shames others into hiding their beliefs to avoid scrutiny, makes people look cruel which garners sympathy for the believer. For example launching personal and overblown attacks on anyone who says something racist, sexist, ignorant or insensitive. This is happens in politics all the time or any time a celebrity says something ignorant and has to go on an apology tour.
4. Purposely embrace and promote the stereotype so that it possibly transforms into a positive, desirable, or neutral attribute or raises awareness of a problem. This is the most ineffective and potentially dangerous method! This encourages people to keep doing things that could potentially harm them or hold them back in life despite people CLEARLY and REPEATEDLY telling them that they hold these automatic beliefs (beyond their conscious control). Examples include taking back the n-word, Slut Walks, rejecting well known social conventions and standards (e.g., praising the rejection of advanced education, marriage, dual parent homes, social climbing, manners), and anything promoting the acceptance of the hip hop industry. The success of this method depends on other people changing their automatic beliefs (virtually IMPOSSIBLE) and preferences that have protective value to them.
5. Immediately stop behaving or looking like the stereotype and telling friends and family to do the same. This is the easiest because it can start immediately, only requires individual commitment, does not require trying to change others you have no control over, and it is most likely to immediately protect people from the ill effects of the stereotype by becoming an exception to the rule. It involves purposefully trying to act and look like the opposite of the stereotype. This is beneficial because it involves accepting social conventions and standards that will help you succeed among people who also hold those standards (e.g, employers, schools, socially accepted people). Some refuse to entertain this method because to them that would be conforming, letting the stereotype holders win, or hiding their individuality or natural qualities. As with all choices it can be taken to the extreme and result in harmful behaviours in an attempt to meet social standards (e.g., skin bleaching, starvation diets, self-hatred). This method is taken by many BWE blogs; pick up artist sites/programs; campaigns and programs promoting education, health, weight loss, fitness, financial savvy, and marriage; public service announcements; the self-help and self-improvement industry including media involving beauty and dating advice. They all encourage people to be "normal", "average", or "above average" and refusing to be "deviant" which is not the same as being different, creative, or unique.

I predominantly use method 5 in my life and on this blog because I believe conforming to the standards of successful and socially accepted people is the most likely way to become successful and socially accepted. To be a winner you have to do what winners do and not follow those who are deemed unsuccessful and undesirable according to society (Western society in my case). I use method 1 to inspire myself and feel hopeful and method 2 to understand my beliefs so that I can make changes or fight their effects. I try to refrain from using method 3 as much as possible. I don't use method 4 at all and it is basically suicide in my opinion but for some reason this method is very popular with activists and seems the most logical to some dangerous people! It's all about choices and the probability that they will be successful and bring you happiness. I don't gamble and therefore I focus my efforts on methods that have the highest probably of being successful with the minimal amount of effort. I strive to be normal or above average.