Lesson in Extreme Ultra Femininity

These are two images from sites such as Fairytalefawn, A curious idea, and Angel Fairy (more practical looks):

In Asia they can find stores that sell ultra feminine 
clothes or they buy them online. Yes this style is 
extreme and I'm not encouraging so much but
there are some aspects anyone can wear. 

As you can see this look is MARKETED
 to Asian women in advertisements and 
in certain magazines. Why isn't the ultra
feminine look being marketed to Black
 women? Why are we being marketed
 androgynous or masculine looks instead?

From these two images and many others on the sites (there are many similar sites) we can learn certain things to look for in feminine clothing. There is no need to do all of these things at once, but adding pieces that have some of these features can enhance your feminine wardrobe. I have already read a lot about how to be feminine (it's not just clothing) but it helps a lot to see it in action in images and on film. I think that along with dressing in a feminine manner the women in such images also present themselves in a feminine way (e.g., innocent, delicate, graceful, elegant, poised, demure, dainty etc.). As we all know it's harder to find this sort of image of BW. Choose the following ultra feminine features:

Materials- delicate, sheer, lacy, frilly, bows, fake fur, nylons and leggings
Colours- light colours, pastel colours, pink, white, cream, beige
Patterns- flowers, polka dots, hearts, cute animals, butterflies, cartoon characters, nature, dolls, candy
Items-  feminine shoes, Mary Janes, no stilettos, cute purses, delicate jewlery, old fashioned items
Style- modest and covering the entire body, youthful looking, vintage, old fashioned patterns.

This is a current Asian fashion but as you can see they are wearing clothes that resemble the European Victoran Age fashion! Do I think that AW dress in a more feminine way than BW (and WW)?...YES!!!!! Because this look is MARKETED to them! Their fashion industry wants them to look sweet, feminine and nice while ours wants us to look like anorexic men! It's even more ridiculous because Western clothes are usually made in Asia!!? Asian women made a better choice to spend their money on feminine clothing rather than caving to MARKETING promoting looks like THIS, THIS, THIS or THIS (I will admit there are B-gyaru women though that I wrote about HERE, HERE, HERE but they are copying Western BW).

These women are not better, they are just LUCKY enough to have been marketed and sold a better choice! They are influenced by women dressing in a different manner in their media, fashion, and everyday lives. They are actually dressing European but since they are the only ones doing it this is now called "dressing Asian". I think that Asian women know that modern fashion is too masculine so they are looking for more feminine fashions from the past! They look more feminine than many White women who have rejected their own past femininity. They took over the style and now it's theirs. Why can't Black women take over a feminine style and make it theirs instead of accepting these unattractive Western fashions? Asian women are not dressing in a traditional Asian way but they chose a style that actually makes them attractive and enhances their femininity! Instead Black women are choosing to look like THIS (scroll down Why???) and THIS, and photographers and stylists are making them look like THIS (Why??? and from a blog called "Black Fashion!!?"). Why is it that Asian women can find images of ultra feminine Asian women but it is so difficult to find similar images of BW? We need more ultra feminine BW!

Saana Lathan and Gabrielle Union demonstrate

feminine dress: pastel colours. Women over

35 are better feminine role models than

younger women in my humble opinion :)

Saana Lathan demonstrates

feminine dress: Bow, lace, satin,

pink, and posing like a lady :)

En Vogue demonstrates feminine dress: this was how BW 

used to look, look to the past for femininity lessons ladies :)

Someone correct me if I'm wrong but has being hard and acting like men ever been encouraged in Asia to the degree it is in Western countries? This is why unfortunately some men (who may actually have personal issues) are saying they can't stand Western women and prefer other women from Asia, South America, Africa, and Western Europe because they have not rejected traditional femininity in their mannerisms or dress. These women go to school and work yet they don't need to look and act like men to do so. These men also say that soon after these foreign women come to Western countries they lose some of their femininity and start acting and looking like Western women.

I am asking Black women to put the race issue aside when it comes to fashion and behaviour and to stop labeling feminine dress and behaviour "acting White or Asian" and masuline/androgynous dress and behaviour "keeping it real or acting Black". If you are living in a Western country realize that those countries have their concept of feminine dress and it is what I have already described above. It was defined by the majority White culture in Western countries but it really isn't that different from the descriptions of other cultures as I showed in my previous post "Who is allowed to be feminine". You have one life to live and if you want to reap the benefits of being feminine then you have to fit the definition of feminine that is used by your country and agreed upon by women and men. You will have to ignore those women who reject traditional femininity and are hostile towards men because their definition of femininity is different from everyone else's on earth.

When I was growing up I had feminine role models like En Vogue, Whitney Houston, Saana Lathan, Nia Long, Gabrielle Union, Janet Jackson, and all the other Black female celebrities who still acted in a feminine manner and dressed in a feminine way. So because of that I don't feel like I grew up without feminine role models unlike younger women today. When I was a teen these were the young women I looked up to and I didn't think that Black women were any less feminine than anyone else. Look to the past if you want to see true Black femininity. Ignore marketing like this, The Tomboy look posted on Clutch...sigh.

P.S. If comparisons to Asian women offends you then read this article from LifeHack, take a deep breath, and heal thyself of your offend-initis ;) You know it's so sad that so many women have forgotten  or never learned what things are feminine. Here's an analogy I just thought up. In football each team has a playbook with all of the plays and tricks they use on the field. Men have a playbook and so do women. In the past ALL women got a hold on the men's playbook. From the book they learned that as long as they continued to act in a feminine manner (they ALL knew how to be feminine) they were more likely to win the men's hearts in the game of love! Unfortunately many White women threw out their copy of the book and are now using plays that win some women and repulse men. Many Black women also threw out their copy and a lot of the men with it! Asian women are still following the old rules that all women used to know and were once taught. Since they are the ones who seem to have "the best game" that is why I study them in order to "improve my game". Not only my game with men, but also with anyone in society who isn't woman-negative. Don't hate the player, hate the game lol! One has to question, why isn't there an equivalent ultra feminine Black fashion? Yes, yes, yes we do not always dress for men but it is the awareness of masculinity that tells us what is feminine when we are unsure (it's the opposite). If one is confused about what is masculine or androgynous then they will also be confused about what is feminine.

Response to The Tyranny of Stylishness Part II

Continued from Part 1...
The other point that stuck out for me was the one about conformity:

"In covering our bodies — a very personal thing — women shouldn’t have to conform, cover our eccentricities and ethnicities, and act like ladies — unless we want to. The style advanced by “WNTW” is about rules and homogeneity."

For me, my clothes are not a very personal thing. My identity and my clothing are not so tightly linked the way they are with others. Basically I choose things that I like, look good, and will make the impression I want and if none of those conditions are met I don't buy. OMG it's so clear now...unlike other people who want to appear rebellious, make a statement against the norm, and view their wardrobe as a form of protest I want to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! I want my wardrobe to say to the world to the world "I am not angry, I am happy, I am feminine like other women, I am not a trouble maker, I am upper-middle class, I try to look good, I am easy to get along with, I am educated, I am professional, you can bring me home to mom, I am not from the hood, I fit the norm! Well I guess you could say my wardrobe is a protest against looking bad and the sort of "I don't care" impression I get with androgynous, boring styles lol!

I am doing things that history and society says will earn rewards and avoid punishment from the important people with power over my happiness. If the rewards turn to punishments from the people who matter then I would have no problem changing! However for some groups (e.g., Black people) popular wardrobe choices may only bring rewards from the people they interact with (e.g., friends) and others who don't matter (e.g., criminal rappers who don't know or care about you, men you don't want) and punishment from those in power who are quick to punish (e.g., parents, teachers, police, employers who will refuse to hire you). Remember I am just talking about the way you present yourself not about speaking your mind about injustices...actually if you fit the norm then people will be more likely to listen to you and take you seriously, so you would be more effective in creating social change. 

I know some people will automatically have a problem with this because they view "conformity" as a bad word and always wrong yet they do it every day in many ways. It seems like it is promoted from AAs that Black people should always be angry and protesting and if you are not then you are part of the problem (the fallacy of false dichotomy). Isn't it so true though, people say being White is acting like the norm so acting Black must be going against the norm. In their minds following any norm (even though it brings rewards and avoids punishment and may actually be beneficial) is acting White and therefore off limits to Black people. Hmm...it's the norm to follow the law so Black people should break it. It's the norm to go to school so Black people should not. It's the norm to get married then have kids so Black people should not. That's being Black and keeping it real right? Sigh...this is so insanely self-destructive it's like some Black people have chosen to screw themselves over while this so-called oppressor can sit back and laugh. Why not try to beat them at their own game instead of purposely accepting the defeated position?

I think that parents and school sent the conflicting message that conforming to peer pressure was bad (e.g., if everyone jumped off a bridge would you, don't smoke/do drugs/have sex/ just because your friends do etc.) but there is pressure to follow the rules, be good, go to school, and get along with others. There is also the encouragement of free thinking, being creative, and not being afraid to be different. But I think what was missing was talking about the benefits of conforming when it is beneficial because people do that all the time! It's common sense most of the time to do what is normal or doing what normally brings rewards and avoids punishment in society. 

That's the whole point of role models! You look at their accomplishments, learn what they did to succeed, and try the same things so that you can be successful. Most of the time they did positive and socially approved things like working hard at school and showing good character traits (e.g., determination, optimism, creativity, resourcefulness), and they chose something that tends to bring rewards in society (e.g., high status job, heroic job, star status etc.). There are also negative "role models" who are held up as cautionary tales or examples of what people shouldn't do. For example, those "stupid criminal" stories, stories about people falling from grace, and tales of people we know who ruined their lives and never lived up to their potential. The downfall of many of these people was doing something against the norm that had the risk of severe punishments (e.g., death or imprisonment not just losing money or failing). I want to be looked at as a positive role model who succeeded and did not cheat, steal, or lie to get to the top. Will you be looked at as someone who succeeded, tried their best, and did so in a respectable way or will you be a cautionary tale about wasted potential and making bad choices?

Robin Givens from the movie Boomerang. One of my

favorite movies. I wanted to be "That Woman", the one

who women want to be and men want to be with. People hate

her but she is successful, has everything she needs/wants.

You know she looks good!

Why I Gave Up Wearing the Pants--Literally!

I have given up wearing pants and I'm so glad I have! Almost four years ago I transitioned to wearing natural hair and cut off my relaxed ends. Even though I had nine months of new growth, I did not realize how much shrinkage I would get (about 80%!!!) so my hair ended up looking only about two inches long! That was way too short for me and I thought it made me look unfeminine. It also didn't help that my student wardrobe was mainly jeans, sweatshirts, and hoodies. So I decided I needed to make myself look more feminine to compensate for my hair.

I started by buying jewelry. I think large, colourful earrings look great with natural hair so I bought plenty of those. I also bought necklaces but I just never liked them enough to keep wearing them (maybe I haven't found the right style yet). I also decided my wardrobe needed an overhaul not only to look more feminine, but also because I had gained weight and my pants no longer fit! It wasn't that expensive either because I tend to do thrift shopping. I became frustrated because the pants I tried on did not fit me well. Many Black women have probably encountered the same problem trying to find pants for larger thighs and backsides along with a small waist. If the pants fit the thighs/backside then they are loose around the waist. Any pants that were in my waist size were too tight to pull over my thighs. So I decided to try on some skirts. At the time I had a few long flower skirts that I rarely wore but I still gave it a try. I ended up with pretty, elegant dresses and skirts that greatly improved my look and garnered many compliments! These are the benefits of wearing dresses/skirts:

• It is easy to look feminine wearing a dress/skirt. Dresses and skirts come in feminine patterns (e.g., flowers, elaborate designs, lace etc.) and colours (e.g., pink, red, yellow, pastels) that are not seen often in pants. This means that as soon as you put them on you instantly look more feminine. Baggy pants aren't helpful but even a loose, flowing skirt can enhance your femininity. Furthermore, you will look more feminine because you will be wearing a traditional female garment. Dresses/skirts may also prompt you to walk and sit in a more feminine manner and this will make you appear well mannered and elegant. Women who want to look androgynous or masculine do not wear pretty dresses or skirts.
• When you wear a dress/skirt you look more dressed up. Dresses and skirts are basically just tubes of fabric but somehow they make you look less casual. They are definitely more dressy than jeans. People will think that you care more about your presentation even though dresses and skirts are easier to put on than pants (no jumping around to fit into tight pairs or using hangers to pull up zippers!). Many women only wear skirts for special occasions so when you wear dresses/skirts it looks like you are dressing for something special. You will always stand out in highly feminine dresses/skirts when surrounded by other women wearing pants and casual styles. This will make you more attractive to men who prefer feminine women.
• A dress/skirt can give you an hourglass figure. You can buy skirts that emphasize your curves if you have them, give you more curves if you don't have them, and minimize your curves if you have too many. When you wear a skirt (slightly above the knee or lower) no one can tell how large your thighs (I actually looked thinner than I did in pants especially because my lower legs are unusually thin). Skirts that are worn high on the waist (higher than any pants would be worn) can really emphasize the small waists of curvy or overweight women. Wearing things low on my waist makes me look boxy. Some pants are cut to actually look like men's pants and they make my hips look huge (especially when the pockets stick out).
• Dresses/skirts can accommodate for weight fluctuations. Pants with elastic waist bands tend to look awful, but many skirts are made of stretchy spandex material or loose flowing material! If you gain weight the skirt still fits and hugs your body. If you lose weight is just looks like a looser skirt and you can add a belt. Pants that are too tight or loose do not flatter the body at all. So if you accidentally put on a few pounds over the holidays or if you are on a weight loss program you may not need to rush out and buy new pants. This will allow you to keep your favorite clothes and save money.
• Dresses/skirts can actually be very comfortable. I think girls may avoid dresses because they are warned about getting them dirty and are not allowed to play in their "good clothes". But adult women do not worry about getting dirty or being able to run around, so these things are no longer a problem. Dresses/skirts can be made of comfortable stretchy material including cotton and jersey fabrics that breathe and stretch. On a hot day it is very uncomfortable being squeezed into tight pants. I was also pleasantly surprised that my legs didn't get very cold in dresses/skirts. I also wear them in the winter with tights and high boots. You can find comfortable dresses to wear at home too and you can wear flattering night gowns.
• A great dress or skirt will always be beautiful and in style. Although designers come up with new fashions every season, a good skirt or dress will always be in style. A black skirt or summer dress will always be a great part of your wardrobe. Flower skirts have been in fashion for decades. The little black dress is a wardrobe staple. Certain styles like capris, harem pants, or certain jeans can go out of style quickly. 

I love skirts and dresses and they make me look fabulous!