Be an EBW in 10 Lessons


This post is a list of 10 lessons that any Black woman can learn in order to become an Elegant Black Woman! Each lesson is comprised of past blog posts that address the subject of each lesson. If you want to learn ideas about how to become more feminine and elegant, just read the posts under each heading. I am working on updating the images and links in these posts so some may not be fully edited. As I write new posts I will also add them to this page. Happy reading :)

Introduction: 

In this introduction you can see all of the conflicted feelings and thoughts I had about becoming an Elegant Black Woman (EBW). You may be experiencing the same conflicts and asking the same questions. I have thought a lot about this journey, why I was doing it, and whether it was a good idea or not. I have received a lot of praise that I appreciate, but also some criticism, and questioning. By looking at the amount of posts on making this change you can see that I have really thought about this and come up with arguments in support of my choice. At this point I am fine with my decision to be an EBW and reading these posts can help you to feel secure in you own decision. Many of these posts are controversial, they are based on opinions that can vary from person to person, and if you agree you may become angry so be warned! Just remember, we are all free to think and feel as we like and you are free to disagree too.

Why Become an Elegant Black Woman?
Is Trying to be Elegant Also Trying to be White?
The F-Word: Who Wants to be a Feminist?
The Feminist Police
The Feminist Law
Do People Really Know Why They Do Things?
Is Gender Socialization Wrong?
Life Choices and The Decision to Change
Are you really that great the way you are?
Becoming Kerry Gabrielle Michelle
The Great Self-Improvement Debate
Contradictions and Dangerous Messages
We Don't Live in Bubbles and Other People Influence Us
Social Comparisons are Torture for the Hopeless
Being a Fake vs. Being Your Best Self
Why do some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?
Freeing Myself From African American Cultural Limitations
A Black Woman Who Will Not Pathologize Herself

Summary lessons:

These posts provide some quick advice about how to become more feminine and elegant and some basic definitions and instructions.

How Will I learn to Be an Elegant Black Woman?
Advice From Video Bloggers
How Can You Become an Elegant Black Woman?
What is Feminine?

1. How to dress

These posts describe ways that you can feminize your wardrobe without spending too much money. They provide many examples for feminine clothing and styles.

DIY and Inexpensive Ways to Feminize Your Wardrobe
Pin Up Girl Style for Black Women
Ways to Look Cute and Feminine
Why I Gave Up Wearing the Pants--Literally!
Showing too Much Cleavage
My Current Wardrobe
Dita von Tesse Burlesque Style
Clothing Men Prefer on Women
Thank Goodness for Lingerie!
What Kind of People Thrift Shop?

2. How to wear your makeup

Read these posts to learn how to wear your make-up in a natural and feminine way to enhance the feminine beauty you already have.

Cute Make-up and Hairstyles
Have Realistic Expectations for Yourself: Nobody is Perfect :)
We Can Look Just as Desirable as Anyone Else
My New Makeup Icon is Kelly Rowland
Is There a Black Standard of Beauty?

3. How to wear your hair

Should Black Women Wear Their Natural Hair?
Touching Black Women's Hair

4. How to smile

Smiling More Often Can Improve Your Life
The Risk of Smiling Too Much

5. How to speak

These posts are about how to speak in a feminine and respectful manner and also how to describe yourself to others so that you are respected and valued.

An Elegant Black Woman Speaks Well and Defies the Stereotypes
EBWs Must Change the Words they use to Define Themselves
Black Women Must Advertise Their Unique Feminine Features
Feminism, Egalitarianism, and Humanitarianism

6. How to sit, stand, and walk

Instantly Improve your Posture and Appearance

7. How to interact with others

These posts are about manners, how to speak in a positive manner, and how to relate to others in ways that will benefit you and minimize conflict.

Free Online Manners and Etiquette Tutorials!
New Etiquette and Instructional Videos
Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women!!!
Are Controlling Black Men Responsible for the "Angry Black Woman" Stereotype?
An EBW does not "Keep it Real"
Victim Mentality may be Limiting Your Potential
Should Women Act Like Men to Get Ahead?
EBWs Need People Skills
Watch Out for First World Problems

8. How to spend your free time

Read these posts to learn about feminine hobbies and pass-times that will help you to feel more feminine and value traditionally feminine activities. These activities are actually useful.

Should an Elegant Black Woman be Able to Cook?
Learning the Art of Cooking
This EBW is Learning How to Sew
Feminine Dances I Want to Learn
Bellydance for Femininity, Weight Loss, and Fitness
Will Looking at Images of Fit Women Help Black Women to Lose Weight?

9. How to date

These posts are all about interacting with men, sex, dating, and getting married. These posts are probably controversial. 

Letting a Man be a Man
Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men?
Many Black Women are Too Submissive
Does Your Man's Money Matter?
Alpha and Beta Males and Females
Some Black Women Are Labeling Themselves "Handicapped"
A Pro Man Woman
Why Do I Care So Much About Attracting a Man?
Are Women in Competition?
Auditioning for the Role of Wife or Girlfriend
Volume Dating Versus Serial Dating
The Irresponsibility of Women Who Support Promiscuity
I Think Promiscuous Men are Gross Too
My Sex Life is None of Your Business!!! Or is it?
What Do Men Look for in Girlfriends & Wives?
Hypergamy and Black Women Marrying Up

10. How to be be virtuous

These posts are about expressing positive and feminine virtues, character traits, and personality traits. These things are the hardest to change because they will involve changing behavioural habits that you have had for a long time. Making these changes may require self-help or even psychotherapy in some cases. Changing your character is controversial because many will see this as changing who you are, which is much more of a commitment and more work than just changing the way you look. Keep in mind though that these traits are all positive and are suggested to make you happy and help you to get along with others. If you read the introduction above you will feel better about making these changes. These changes are key to being the most feminine woman you can be.

What Ever Happened to Character Building?
Does Your Success Say Something About Your Character?
10 Essential Habits of Positive People
Empathy, Kindness, Hostility, and Being Strong
Should an Elegant Black Woman be a Pleaser or a Giver?
Giving Only Because of Love
Why Many Black Women are Succeeding
Becoming an Elegant Black Woman is Very Ambitious!
Be a Survivor not a Victim
Self-Help Articles for Black Women
Is all this Venting Helpful?
Being Quiet does not Equal Being Weak
Being Soft is Pretty Sweet :)
Respectability Politics
Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most

Fun lessons and cultural studies:

These posts are fun and interesting and helped me to see the positives in traditional feminine roles and how femininity is expressed in other cultures. 

Lessons We Can Learn from Secretaries
Lessons We Can Learn From Beauty Queens
Lessons  we can Learn from Cheerleaders
Tribute to Black Beauty Queens
The Elegance of Claire Huxtable
Retro Femininity: Motown Singing Groups
Tribute to EBW Thandie Newton
Lessons We Can Learn From The Stepford Wives (2004)
Remember when Being Feminine and Girly was a Black Thing?

Japanese Kawaii Girls are Experts on Cuteness!
Lesson in Extreme Ultra Femininity
Indian and Middle Eastern Women are Experts on Eyeliner!
Elegant African Women
Lessons We can Learn From Brazilian Women
Lessons We Can Learn From Geisha
Imagine if Black Women Wore Sarees!!!

9 comments:

  1. Thanks for all the links. This must have taken a while.

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    1. You are welcome! It did take quite a while but I think that it will be helpful for readers and for my own quick reference :)

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  2. This is great information.

    I guess the only thing that bothers me is that we are essentially admitting that BW really are not competitive in the dating game because of the way we look,dress,speak and behave.And that is what many BM say about BW.

    By admitting that we need to change ourselves in order to attract quality non-black men, aren't we also admitting that we are not capable of attracting quality BLACK men?

    I do acknowledge that some BW are crude, don't speak well and dress like ghetto girls. But most BW I know dress and speak similar to average white women.

    White women don't have to bend and twist themselves into pretzels to attract decent white men. But a BW has to be PERFECT to compete against ORDINARY non-black women.Most WW are not elegant, refined princesses and still they attract white men. White men usually marry down when they choose non-black women. That is why a white nanny can get a rich white husband or an Asian mail order bride can get a white husband. Non-black men set the bar very high for BW.

    Of course a white woman who wants a wealthy man has to be near perfect(for example Melania Trump). But most white men are not wealthy and most BW have no chance of getting a wealthy white man, no matter how gorgeous she is.

    White men will admire, date and even sleep with a beautiful BW, but they are very unlikely to marry a BW(the number of mixed race, out-of-wedlock babies born to BW has increased in the US,so white and other non-black men are definitely having sex with BW.)

    The truth is, non-BM do not pursue and marry BW the way BM pursue and marry non-BW. BM are the only group of men who are more likely to marry outside their race as their success and wealth increases. All other races of men tend to stay within their race, especially as their wealth increases.

    Many BW think that the reason they are not attracting quality non-black men is because they are not elegant and refined enough when that is not the truth. The truth is many BW are not doing well dating IR because they are BLACK, plain and simple. They have almost no chance of being chosen because non-BM are not raised to see BW as acceptable marital partners.Even non-racist non-BM draw the line with marriage when it comes to BW.

    I wish it were possible to have some honest dialogue about this, but BWIR promoters live in a fantasy world and want to believe that most non-BM will choose(marry) a woman based simply on his attraction to/feelings for her. Life is not a fairy tale and love does not conquer all.

    After years of dating IR, BW are still not getting married or are marrying low quality white men. Forget the statistics of BW's increasing IR marriage rate--BW are still the least chosen by WM. Many BW have now settled into IR "dating" and cohabitation because they know the marriage proposal is not coming.It is embarrassing how many BWIR bloggers and promoters are unmarried and in their 30s, 40s and 50s.

    I am tired of people telling BW to change. Where are the blogs of non-BM encouraging other non-BM to choose BW over women of their own races? BW are the only ones championing IR for BW. White and non-BW are certainly not going to encourage their sons to choose BW. I guess many BW don't realize how much influence women of other races have over their sons.Just because most BM will marry non-BW over their mothers' objections does not mean most non-BM will do the same.

    Ten years ago,I did believe that IR was a real option for BW. Now I realize it is an option for only a TINY percentage of BW. Yes, there are more WM than BW in the US and in Canada. But let's not ignore the WW(and Asian) who are available to these WM. White men have no reason to abandon WW in favor of BW. In fact, since only WW can make white babies, it is in the WM's best interest to choose a WW and maintain white dominance.

    The election of Donald Trump to the Presidency of the US shows that WM are not interested in losing their white identity and run away from WW.
    --Pheonix

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    1. I have seen Pheonix comment before on Neecy's blog with the same statements. However, this article mirrors your sentiments.
       https://neecysnest.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/my-issues-with-some-black-women-empowerment-blogs-interracial-dating/

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  3. Hi Phoenix,

    There is a lot to reply here so I probably won't get all of it. I'll have to post your comment and then put my responses after.

    "I guess the only thing that bothers me is that we are essentially admitting that BW really are not competitive in the dating game because of the way we look,dress,speak and behave.And that is what many BM say about BW."

    I think many women could improve as can many men. Some of us are considered high quality already. It's up to the individual to take a close look, see if there is room to improve, and decide if they want to improve or not. But remember don't think in extremes, just because some BW could improve in some areas does not mean that ALL BW are not good enough and we ALL have to change. Even if some BM had complaints it does not mean that ALL of their complaints are valid or that they are ALL great catches themselves.

    "By admitting that we need to change ourselves in order to attract quality non-black men, aren't we also admitting that we are not capable of attracting quality BLACK men?"
    The information here is for BW to use to attract any man, whether he is Black or not. There is no reason to limit yourself only to White men. I may write a post on this but non-White men and biracial men are looking better for me because then you won't have to deal with the White supremacist stuff that this election has shown is more common than we thought.

    "White women don't have to bend and twist themselves into pretzels to attract decent white men. But a BW has to be PERFECT to compete against ORDINARY non-black women.Most WW are not elegant, refined princesses and still they attract white men. White men usually marry down when they choose non-black women. That is why a white nanny can get a rich white husband or an Asian mail order bride can get a white husband. Non-black men set the bar very high for BW."

    I think White women do bend and twist. Some can't get a good guy and could improve. As for BW having to be incredible in order to get a White guy...it is what it is. If that's the type of guy you are attracted to then for some, you will need to be fantastic. For others you won't need to be. Focusing on this will just bring you down. All you can do is try your best to get ONE guy, the majority does not really matter.

    "Of course a white woman who wants a wealthy man has to be near perfect(for example Melania Trump). But most white men are not wealthy and most BW have no chance of getting a wealthy white man, no matter how gorgeous she is."

    You may have to settle for an average guy. Most women are with average men not wealthy men. Wealthy men can have high standards.

    "White men will admire, date and even sleep with a beautiful BW, but they are very unlikely to marry a BW(the number of mixed race, out-of-wedlock babies born to BW has increased in the US,so white and other non-black men are definitely having sex with BW.)"

    It doesn't matter if most will not marry you, you only need one. We are not a big part of the population so we don't need that many men. The men we get may be average and an average WW might get a wealthier guy, but an average guy who I am attracted to who can pull his weight in a family is good enough for me. He might be doing better than the average BM anyway.

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    1. continued...
      "The truth is, non-BM do not pursue and marry BW the way BM pursue and marry non-BW. BM are the only group of men who are more likely to marry outside their race as their success and wealth increases. All other races of men tend to stay within their race, especially as their wealth increases."

      Again, why focus on this, it will just make you feel bad. It doesn't matter if most non-BM won't marry you, you only need one.

      "Many BW think that the reason they are not attracting quality non-black men is because they are not elegant and refined enough when that is not the truth. The truth is many BW are not doing well dating IR because they are BLACK, plain and simple. They have almost no chance of being chosen because non-BM are not raised to see BW as acceptable marital partners.Even non-racist non-BM draw the line with marriage when it comes to BW."

      It may be harder for BW to find a good man who wants marriage but it is not impossible. You can give up or keep trying. Maybe a biracial guy would be better.

      "I wish it were possible to have some honest dialogue about this, but BWIR promoters live in a fantasy world and want to believe that most non-BM will choose(marry) a woman based simply on his attraction to/feelings for her. Life is not a fairy tale and love does not conquer all.

      After years of dating IR, BW are still not getting married or are marrying low quality white men. Forget the statistics of BW's increasing IR marriage rate--BW are still the least chosen by WM. Many BW have now settled into IR "dating" and cohabitation because they know the marriage proposal is not coming.It is embarrassing how many BWIR bloggers and promoters are unmarried and in their 30s, 40s and 50s."

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    2. continued...
      Many women, Black or otherwise are cohabiting because men are less likely to marry nowadays. They might be quite happy. Divorces happen anyway so the likelihood of being married for a long time is slim. My point is, if you want marriage go for it, but this is a very negative mindset that won't help you to get what you want. You are just convincing yourself that what you want is impossible. What would be the alternative? Give up on finding someone and dedicate yourself to being single forever?

      "I am tired of people telling BW to change. Where are the blogs of non-BM encouraging other non-BM to choose BW over women of their own races? BW are the only ones championing IR for BW. White and non-BW are certainly not going to encourage their sons to choose BW. I guess many BW don't realize how much influence women of other races have over their sons.Just because most BM will marry non-BW over their mothers' objections does not mean most non-BM will do the same."

      Individual BW can choose to change if they want to no one is forcing them. It takes a wise person to understand why people view them negatively. Then that person can choose to ignore those people or use that criticism to improve themselves. This blog definitely is not about fighting racism and reducing racism by being elegant. It's about getting better treatment for the individual. Just keep in mind, there are many attractive WW and Asian women who are also single and who have been rejected, it's not as though they are all easily married up and BW are the only single ones.

      "Ten years ago,I did believe that IR was a real option for BW. Now I realize it is an option for only a TINY percentage of BW. Yes, there are more WM than BW in the US and in Canada. But let's not ignore the WW(and Asian) who are available to these WM. White men have no reason to abandon WW in favor of BW. In fact, since only WW can make white babies, it is in the WM's best interest to choose a WW and maintain white dominance.

      The election of Donald Trump to the Presidency of the US shows that WM are not interested in losing their white identity and run away from WW.
      "

      All I can say is that it is possible for you to find someone. He may be average and not wealthy. Some WW might not think he is good enough but he's probably had girlfriends anyway. My advice is to find out about his views and his family views as soon as possible before you even get committed. If he or his family has race hang-ups move on. Focusing on failure will not get you what you want. Try latino or biracial men and don't focus so much on the statistics because you only need one man, not most men to want you.

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    3. That took a look of comments! I also wanted to say that I can hear your frustration with our situation and I understand. You are frustrated that we have to do all of this, we are criticized so much, and we have to be the group with all of this negativity thrown towards us. I know, it has gotten me down at times too. But all I can do is keep trying. Hey I have two dates this week, they may lead to something great. It's okay to feel this way, I wish it wasn't so hard too.

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  4. Hi there I find these lessons good not for myself to attract a man, (No I am not a lesbian) but for myself to improve for me. BW have been denied their femininity for so long. Even though when I was younger I was not into elegance and for myself only. I had date white men exclusively for 20 years and I can tell BW they are not missing a thing by not dating whites, most do not have wealth it is a myth, second for myself only I am a woman in my 50's and in my thirties I notice that many of them are not as physically appealing as when they are in their twenties, by the time I was 40, I decided to let the WM be the WW problem and vice versa. Now my views may not be yours, but I just want to say White boy ain't all that.

    There are some BW who marry some wealthy white men, Norton Virus ,company owner who is a billionaire, is married to a BW, his ex-wife was also Black, Diana Ross was married to Norwegian multimillionaire. Iman was married to a wealthy white English man, by the name of David Bowie, Chris Noth wife is black, Shadoe stevens wife is black, Princess angela of Lichenstein, a very dark African woman is married to some European royalty, Let us not forget beautiful dark skinned Melody Hobson, married to George Lucas, who has more money than Donald Trump. These are just a few. Maybe I am a little bias, but the white men not all but many who are wealthy and are married to BW tend to be a little easy on the eye. Women like Wendi Deng can have the rich WM who are not easy on the eye e.g Rupert Murdoch, , sorry if it may sound denigrating but I have noticed that the WM who are with Asian women are not the best looking (but alas it's fine, to each their own) .

    As a mature woman nowadays, I want beauty and elegance in my life for me. I can say that this is first time in my life I have begun to love myself and begin to live for me. I am not perfect and I do have my struggles and ups and down, but self care by myself and for myself is my new lover.

    man or no man I believe every BW should seek out femininity and elegant living tips for a much better life. BW deserve only the best.

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