I'll Take Good Advice and Information Regardless of Race

Already from reading this blog you can tell that I have no problem looking at women of other ethnicities for examples of femininity. I think that I would be doing myself a disservice to limit myself only to Black influences especially if they are not as prevalent due to their scarcity in films, media, and pop culture. There are also very few Black women who blog about femininity while there are many White and Asian bloggers who write about the topic and are super girly on their blogs. I look at it like cross-cultural studies or travelling because it lets me see that there are other ways of doing things that I might actually prefer and that there are actually options. It just so happens sometimes that the thing that fits perfectly with your sensibilities and tastes comes from another culture.

Some people have a problem with this and actually think there is something "disturbing" and "sick" about having role models who are not Black (yes, this is the craziness and pressure that Black women have to deal with). Something as natural and understandable as taking in knowledge and good advice from someone regardless or race is though to be "crazy" by some people. They envision that Black femininity has to be different from the femininity of every other woman on earth and I don't know why. Why do you have to be so different? Why does your version of femininity have to be a protest while other women can "just be"? Why does the Black version have to be harder, angrier, and tougher than everyone else's? Is this really benefiting you or is it highlighting your "otherness" so that people think you are less of a woman? Anyways, I take what I can get and use it to my advantage especially if it's something as benign as information about fashion, hobbies, and how to get along with others.

In fact, sometimes if information or products are directed specifically to Black people I'm a bit suspicious that it is of inferior quality because the producers have low standards for Black people, don't really care about us, or know that no one (of power) will care if we complain (e.g., many Black hair products are pretty inferior compared to White hair products in terms of fragrance, texture etc. because their producers don't care enough to make sure the products aren't greasy or stinky). So, I would actually expect things produced for the masses or by White people for White people to be of better quality. For instance, I would rather buy a dating, relationship, health, or finance book meant for White people! This is because those books are written for people who have middle class standards and values who are trying to fit "the norm" and they will be held to a higher standard. In contrast, some Black media cater to lower values that I do not believe in and to people who are not middle class and educated (e.g., endorsing dating down, hustling to make money, using slang, devaluing formal education, or written by comedians instead of Ph.D.'s based on research etc.). So why would I read materials directed towards people with different values and goals? Also, when materials are made for the masses they face more scrutiny if they are inferior (e.g., few tests have been done to determine the safety of relaxers but MANY tests have been done examining perms and products for naturally straight hair). On the other hand, sometimes Black products and media get a pass just because "they're Black" even though they are inferior or harmful (e.g., misogynist/violent/garbage rap music, slang and unprofessional conduct in media, ex-cons used as spokespeople etc.). I hope you understand what I'm saying...some of you will not of course :)

I have my own version of femininity. Some people again will argue that they have a different version of femininity that includes things I consider masculine and they may even point out that masculinity and femininity are social constructs and are not real. Okay, then I am operating with a stereotypical, old fashioned social construct of femininity because there are things about the modern version that I don't like. I'm referring mainly to appearance and mannerisms not the whole equal rights idea that I do support. I write about the version of femininity I like and others are free to write or read about something different. Fortunately, I've recently found some Tumblr sites that are very feminine and I love looking at the photos (but I could do without the nudity, piercings, and tattoos thanks).

These are some very feminine/girly Tumblr sites that I like:

Vintage Black Glamour
Sweeten with Love (17 years old lol!)
Behind Blue Eyes (19...noticing a theme here...)

I also have to make a special mention of a blog that I recently found called Victoria's Vintage! This is the most girly blog I have ever seen! It's by a 21 year old woman in the UK who works in a little cake shop (adorable)!!! She wears somewhat vintage style dresses and I would wear most of them. She writes in a cutesy way and I love all the girly things she loves. My first thought was that men are going to LOVE this woman. And of course, she does bake cupcakes! She wears bows on her shoes the way I do too. Only 21 and I can learn so much about being a woman from her lol! It may be to girly for some but it is pretty much exactly the type of femininity I'm going for :)

Anyways, if anyone knows of other great femininity blogs by Black or non-Black women please let me know. I tend to shy away from the religious ones though because I have different motivations and I'm very agnostic :) There is one called Thoughts on Black Femininity that I was excited to see but it's no longer being updated so I'll have to read through the old posts.

Tribute to EBW Thandie Newton

I have been a fan of Thandie Newton (IMDB) ever since I watched her first movie, Flirting, in 1991. Flirting is one of my favorite movies and she is absolutely adorable in the interracial love story. Thandie has starred in so many movies and I try to watch anything she stars in. She appears the most like an EBW in Mission Impossible II, RocknRolla, The Chronicles of Riddick, and 2012, although in some of those roles she plays an evil (but gorgeous) character lol. She has starred in blockbusters such as Interview With the Vampire and Crash that won the best picture Oscar. She appears less like an EBW in The Pursuit of Happyness, Beloved, and For Colored Girls. I just never like it when she doesn't play a charming, sweet, intelligent woman or a mischevious but well-dressed villian lol. I have to see her performance in W! These are some things I've learned and noticed about Thandie Newton:

• On the red carpet she is always dressed in something pretty or elegant, never anything too revealing or sleazy. She always appears to carry herself with dignity and grace.
• Thandie has training as a dancer...maybe that is why she looks so graceful and feminine.
• She is smart too and has a degree in anthropology from Cambridge University!
• Thandie has recently gone natural with her hair and it looks great! 
• She tends to get roles in big movies and I think it's because of her mainstream appeal. She does not fit the negative stereotypes about Black women.
• She often gets paired with White men in her roles (e.g., Tom Cruise, Gerrard Butler, Simon Pegg, Cillian Murphy, Jon Bon Jovi and others). Is it because the film makers think she's the type of woman who White men would be attracted to? She is actually married to a White man. Or is she just able to get the roles written for White women?  Either way, she gets great roles that many in Hollywood would die for!
• I have never heard any negative gossip about her (e.g., fighting over a man, cheating, drugs etc.). If there are any scandals surrounding her then she is able to keep them quiet. 
• Unfortunately, Thandie has admitted to having an eating disorder and appears very thin sometimes. This is never something I would advocate for anyone and I hope that she has overcome the problem.
• Thandie is married and has two children.
• She is actually the daughter of an African princess...royalty!!!

There you have it: beauty, brains, career, marriage, and children...exactly the type of EBW I want to be! I'm posting some great Thandie Newton videos below. I really studied them! Pay attention to her makeup, hair, wardrobe, mannerisms, and the way she speaks :) Now I'm going to watch her and Jon Bon Jovi in the Leading Man!

Tribute video (too skinny in these photos, play on mute)

Double Exposure photo shoot (I have to learn to cross my legs like her! Watch her mannerisms)

Short documentary
Thandie Newton: Embracing Otherness, Embracing Myself (definitely smart, interesting!)
Thandie Newton Makeup tutorial (nice natural look)
http://www.thandie-newton.org/
Google images of Thandie Newton

What Men Like About Black Women Versus Asian Women

One more thing before I leave the topic of Asian women compared to Black women for a while. I've mentioned in previous posts the things I've heard men say about Asian and Black women. I think the videos below will explain these views clearly.

I know it's hard to take being compared to someone else, especially when you can't help the way you were born or the way you look. It seems very unfair doesn't it? But pay attention to the video about why the blogger likes Asian women because only one reason has to do with physical appearance. The other reasons are because of their attitude, behaviour, and demeanor and also because they show interest and date the men who are interested in them! Attitudes, behaviours, and our dating interests can change! When Black men and men of other races are constantly rejected by Black women they may eventually give up and start pursuing other women who will give them a chance. Apparently, White men have had success with Asian women so they see them as dating and marriage options. They have probably learned from experience or from friends that most Black women are not interested in White men so they do not purse Black women as much. But if you give off a vibe (like many EBWs) that you are approachable, friendly, and open to other races then you will be approached by these men.

This man is attracted to Black women because he thinks we are strong and resilient (not a fan of that word strong or the belief that we are strong) and we strive for and only accept excellence. Also, because good men are in demand, Black women treat them well. Last of all, he finds us physically attractive (e.g., nice behind, full lips, dark skin the usual). There is no mention about us being very feminine or cute or that we are open to dating men of other races. Being strong is a masculine trait and once again it was used to describe us but it was not used to describe Asian women. In fact, I have never heard anyone describe Asian woman (or most women) as strong at all.

So, while Black and Asian women are considered to be attractive for different reasons, Asian women are valued for being feminine and girly while Black women are valued for being strong and hard working. I would rather be considered feminine and girly and some men are actually turned off by strong, independent women. I don't like being expected to be strong. I think the type of man who looks for a strong woman may want someone he doesn't have to worry about protecting or providing for. On the other hand, a man who wants a feminine, innocent, girly woman might enjoy being the protector and provider. I don't know but it's just my guess. I've heard Black men complain that they don't want strong, independent women who don't seem to need them. On the other hand I have heard men complain about lazy women who they have to do everything for too. Which situation do you think is the better deal for a woman? Maybe the ones who want a tiny, easy to overpower woman would be overly controlling? I really don't know but I preferred the first video and would like those things to be said about me.

This just reminds me of cats and dogs. I love cats but what I love about them is they are low maintenance. You feed them, play with them sometimes, but they are quiet, you don't need to walk them, and they don't constantly need your attention. Cats are like strong, independent women. Dogs need constant attention, grooming, walks, and whenever they make noise you have to go see what's the matter with them. The dogs are like the girly women who need protection and the help of a man. I don't want to be a cat, I need more attention and care than that! Cats are lonely and ignored.

Why Compare Black Women and Asian Women?

I think I should get this explanation out of the way so that readers understand where I'm coming from and why I tend to compare Black women to Asian women. Actually, this blog is about my endeavor to become more feminine, well-mannered, desirable, and a better woman in general so this also helps me to understand my own reasoning. I compare Black women to Asian women a lot because the the things said about both women are often the complete opposite! These are the things I have heard about both types of women. Yes most are stereotypes but those stereotypes will have benefits for them and negative consequences for us.

Black Women/Asian Women

loud/quiet

aggressive/submissive

overweight/petite

curvy body/slim body

dark/light (some are dark too)

kinky hair or fake hair/straight real hair

overly masculine/overly feminine

called undesirable/called most desirable

disrespectful to men/live to serve men

not wife material/wife material

negative portrayals in the media/positive portrayals in the media

So you see, to me it makes sense that if I want to become a desirable, feminine woman that I would look to the group who's women are considered to be "the standard" for desirable, feminine women even if that is a stereotype. I also compare to Asian women because of the things we have in common:

• We are visible minorities in Western countries so we are subject to racism and stereotypes. Our beauty is not the Eurocentric ideal. Some men will reject both groups just because we are not White.
• When men of other races prefer us it is called a fetish.
• We are both rarely seen in the media so the few representations people see are taken to be accurate depictions of the typical Black or Asian woman.
• We naturally have dark hair and dark eyes and a yellow skin undertone (of course there are exceptions).
• We have some similar facial features (e.g., full lips, rounded and sometimes wide noses). We look youthful longer too.
• We have our own culture that is different from the "mainstream Western culture".

One might ask, why not compare to White women. I don't make that comparison often because:

• I think it's more useful to look at our extreme opposites. There are many White women who are criticized for the same things as Black women (e.g, being loud, masculine, overweight, too feminist, etc). Many Black and White women dress in similar ways.  When I compare White women to Black women sometimes I don't see much difference. We also share Western pop culture and are exposed to the same beauty standards, music, media, events etc. But comparing to Asians on another continent removes some of the shared cultural aspects.  I do look to White women about etiquette, manners, homemaking, and dating though because they write the books and those things are accepted by most Western women.
• There are unique similarities between Black and Asian women. In terms of appearance, there is more variety in White women's hair colour and texture and eye colour. Their skin tone also has less range and has a pink undertone or an orange tone when tanned that is different from my yellow undertone. There are some Asians who are actually as dark as I am (especially if we include West Asians) and they have a yellow undertone, but that is not the case for White women. So makeup that looks good with dark eyes and dark hair is applicable to both Black and Asian women.  I think many Black women like me don't even bother to compare ourselves to White women. They just look too different in terms of colour and facial features. 
• White women are too over-represented in the media and in the population. I think because I'm so used to their look and standard of beauty that I don't see the point of comparing myself to them. It's like White women are your regular maple trees, Black women are palm trees, and Asian women are those pink cherry blossom trees. The maple trees don't stand out to me anymore for some reason. When I look at makeup tutorials for White women they just wouldn't look good on Black women (because of eye colour and skin undertones).  The White women I find attractive tend to have Black or Asian features like dark hair and skin, dark eyes, full lips, rounded noses, and rounded non-angular faces. I guess there just isn't a White celebrity who I think of as a beauty or fashion icon. Lady Gaga seriously? 
• When I look up cute Western clothes they are nowhere near as cute as the Asian clothes. I can wear anything Lucy Liu can wear but I just can't compare myself to Blake Lively or Giselle at all.  I am not a fan of the stick-thin models and would never look good in the clothes they wear. On the other hand, as long as you are not overweight, I think some of the Asian fashions would look fine on me (not the super short skirts or teenager looks of course). The Asian girls are thin but the are also short so they are in proportion. I'm just bored with the Western look I guess. I'm going to start doing more comparisons to good examples of EBWs now because I think that would be even more helpful.
• Oh, and I forgot one of the most important reasons! Comparing White and Black women would infuriate a lot of people! Due to the history of relations between Black and White people, comparisons between those groups always leads to controversy, discussions of slavery, racism, etc. to the point that any attempt to do anything White people do or look like them is practically a crime. This blog is not about that sort of thing and I am trying to stay away from those discussions. This blog is about trying to be the best woman I can be and that has nothing to do with trying to be White or Asian. Good qualities are good qualities, no matter who possesses them.

We Can Look Just as Desirable as Anyone Else

I want you to visit the Google Images page Asian women before and after and really look at how different the women look with a little make-up. I tried searching for similar pages for White and Black women but they were not the same (a lot of surgery or weight-loss before and afters, very few photos) or I would post links to them too. I'm trying to prove a point not pick on Asian women! I think that the Asian women before and after photos are popular for some reason on YouTube and MANY different websites. Many of the photos are posted on Asian Town so I guess Asian men don't think their women are perfect unlike some Western men. The point of this post is to show you that these women are not automatically better looking than you! I've read comments from men online saying Asian and White women look better than Black women but I don't believe that's true. I think almost all of them are by disgruntled black men (I'll admit they do post some videos saying black women are beautiful too). There are good looking and unattractive women in every ethnicity. Ever heard the saying "there are no ugly women, only lazy ones"?

You may have heard that men prefer the natural look on women so some of you may choose to go without makeup. But these same men also want women who are beautiful! It is an unfair standard to set for us because most women don't wake up looking fabulous. I think a happy medium would be wearing some makeup that isn't too heavy, doesn't rub off on everything, and looks very natural. You will notice in the photos that the makeup looks very natural (the ones in Google Images). That's why the before photos are so shocking! They are not wearing wild, rainbow colours on their faces or in their hair. These women don't look like they are wearing much more than eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick or gloss but most men won't think they are wearing anything (except for the contacts). They don't even look like they are wearing eye shadow.

This is how I see the current situation (you might disagree with my logic of course). Some men rate the average Asian or White woman as more attractive than the average Black woman. This is because ordinary looking Asian and White women wear makeup that makes them look beautiful but natural. They are cheating! They attract more men and have long-term relationships with them. By the time the men realize the women don't naturally look so great they are already in love and don't care. Now if you are a Black woman and you are not wearing natural looking makeup to attract men, unless you are one of those lucky women who looks amazing straight out of bed, these women will always look more attractive than you! So, if you want to compete you will just have to cheat too and learn how to apply natural looking makeup.

Okay, I hear some of you saying you don't want to cheat, this is dishonest, men should like you just the way you are, you don't like makeup etc. Well, the choice is yours. Are you willing to risk being passed over for these other women because men are tricked into thinking they are more attractive than you (when in reality they are not)? Successful men are very desirable so they can seek out more physically attractive women. What if not looking your best means that the most successful men won't pick you? We have to face the reality that men are attracted to beautiful women so if you want to attract a man you need to look as beautiful (but natural) as you can. We are in competition for the best quality men! After you get his attention you keep him interested because of your pleasant character and personal qualities. A pretty face with no brains, manners, interests, or good character is not enough. The pretty face is just a pleasant invitation for him to get to know you better and the prettiest invitation usually wins :)

These are some things that stood out for me in the photos:

• These women are wearing very natural looking makeup without any bright or unnatural colours. They aren't wearing rainbow coloured eyeshadow. Enhance your natural beauty.
• Hair is so important! It seems like bangs are the cure for a large forehead or oddly shaped face lol. Bangs also add to the cuteness factor. Unfortunately, bangs rarely look good with natural hair unless it's pinned flat to one side (I might give that a try).
• Did you notice that a lot of the women were wearing wigs? Black women aren't the only one's who do it and the wigs looked more shiny and voluminous than their natural hair. Some of the hair was coloured but they were not unnatural rainbow colours. 
• Make the time to take care of your hair and style it to look the best it can. The women in the photos probably had to do things to make their natural hair look good (e.g., flat ironing, shine serums etc.). Their hair tended to be long too. Do what you can to grow out your natural hair and make it look as beautiful as you can. Many men like our natural hair so don't think you have to go straight in order to be pretty.
• The women were dressed in a feminine manner, even in the before photos! Nice clothes will complete your look.
• Take photos of yourself looking cute and sweet never hard. Practice posing in flattering ways. There are articles online about how to do this. 

You probably noticed that 99% of the women were thin. So even if we all look better with makeup some men will still say we are less attractive because we are overweight. Well I've discussed that before and while we work on that we can try to look as good as we can anyway. Some men might also rate us lower if they hate natural hair or wigs and weaves. As a natural, I think it's worth it because you just get a different type of guy and I think they are usually of better quality anyway. As for the weaves and wigs...well I advocate going natural as usual. But if you do wear weaves and wigs try to look as natural (straight or textured) as possible meaning a natural colour, texture, and hairline. As long as it looks real and attractive some men won't care.

Feminine Dances I Want to Learn

In the near future I want to learn samba and belly dance! My post about Lessons We Can Learn From Brazilian Women made me really want to learn the samba! I found videos online where women are doing the samba with partners and they are wearing dresses (not thongs) so I think that clearly, it is not the same booty-shaking dancing we are embarrassed about in clubs. I already have belly dance exercise tapes so I'll bring those out. I would like to take classes for both though. I also want to learn some feminine and tasteful moves for the dance club. Maybe I need to learn how to dance to actual "dance music" instead of hip hop too. I think that dance is a good feminine interest (of course men dance too but women take way more dance classes than men) and it will help me to move in a more feminine manner. Plus, dancing is great exercise.

The women who do this dance look so fit! Their bodies look like rubber! Definitely feminine...the guys have way too much flare for me though :)

Gorgeous!

The Type of EBW I want to be

I've decided to review the type of woman I want to become so that I can check my progress and what I still need to work on. These are things that I want to achieve but of course I'm not expecting to be perfect. If I achieve these things then I will be the best woman I can be and my idea of an EBW. This is an ideal and not necessarily the ideal woman to anyone reading this blog. Anything with a star is something I haven't made enough progress with.

Appearance

• long, healthy, natural hair (my hair is bra-strap BSL length!)
• clear, toasty-brown skin all over* (I need to exfoliate more and always apply lotion or oil)
• healthy body weight and toned body* (want to lose a few pounds but I still look good)
• make-up that accentuates my features
• feminine fashion style (need to start wearing heels more often)
• good posture and feminine movement 
• smiling often (greatly improved)

Attitude and Behaviour

• Staying poised when under pressure
• Maintaining a positive mood and attitude (not too bad, greatly improved)
• Behaving like an EBW in public and private (improved)
• Not engaging in useless arguments online and offline (I have really improved!)
• Being a good friend  and daughter (need to make more friends too, improved as a daughter)
• Being a fun, joyful, nice, pleasant person (greatly improved)
• Toning down the sexiness (not bad)
• Being interesting to talk to (not bad)
• Helping others * (I help my friends with advice but I haven't been volunteering)

Hobbies and Interests

• healthy cooking * (need some good recipes)
• physical fitness and working out
• physical activities (e.g., pool, tennis, volley ball, golf)* 
• reading (need to do more pleasure reading instead of school related reading)
• self-improvement
• dinner parties *
• sewing and knitting *
• sketching and painting * (know how to but need to actually spend time doing)
• blogging (of course)
• dance lessons *
• learn massage * (another trick for my feminine arsenal)
• travel *
• socializing regularly* (the winter really killed my social life)

Romantic Relationships

• Starting a monogamous relationship * (I'm single)
• Getting married * (not even close)
• Having a baby *(again, not even close)

Career

• Graduate (almost there)
• Get a job in my field * (I have to start looking)
• Do the best job I can *

As you can see from this list, I have made a lot of progress on my journey to becoming an EBW! Most of the progress has involved changing the way I look, my attitude, and my behaviour. I am acting and looking very different from the way I was a few years ago. 

I am not worried about the improvements I need to make in my career because these goals will be achieved in the near future. I'm not even worried about them anymore. As you can see, my career goals do not include becoming the best, starting a company, or anything time-consuming like that. I'll be satisfied with the job, a husband, and kids. 

The areas where I need the most improvement are in my interests and romantic relationships. It may be possible that my interests and romantic relationships could actually intersect. I could take up some sports and meet someone in the process. I could go to dinner parties or out dancing and meet someone. I could also take in community events and meet someone. I just have to get out more and socialize and these things will be taken care of. The winter has really put a hold on some of these things, so I can't wait until the weather gets better. Some of the hobbies also require time and money and it was hard to find time and money while I was busy with school. So right now my priorities are doing what is necessary to graduate, finding a job, and going out and socializing. I'll wait until I earn some money before taking on some of the hobbies :)

R.I.P. Whitney Houston

I always thought that Whitney Houston was the most beautiful Black woman I had ever seen. She was the original Black Barbie. What a face, what a talent. Even my father had her first album. I wish she had been able to make a comeback. She will be missed.

Advice From Video Bloggers

Don't you just love online videos? They just make the blogging experience so much more interesting and interactive. I'd like to share two videos with you. I really like the advice in the first one. We need to pay attention to our appearance. It isn't shallow and it doesn't set women back. There are benefits! Use what you have to ensure that you get what you want in life, especially love. You can be beautiful, smart, and talented. The idea that women should dull themselves down is like taking a beautiful flower and hiding it in a closet, or picking off the petals. Why hide beauty? Why not make the world more beautiful? Yes, being attractive can get you unwanted attention, but so can letting yourself look unattractive. The difference is that I can't think of any benefits of a woman being unattractive.

As for the second video...I'm not sure. In the second video she says it's attractive to men when women are vulnerable, but if you have read The Rule, or He's Just Not That Into You, they are both about weeding out the guys who don't like you and are likely to hurt you. I don't believe in wasting you time and being vulnerable to any guy. Maybe she means a guy you are already dating who has all the good qualities you want. Well, I'll let you decide.

The Benefits and Drawbacks of Feminism

I'll start off by saying the equal rights for women is a good thing and I don't want things to go back to a state where women are treated as less than human. Here are the benefits of feminism and equal rights for women:

1. Women can work and support themselves. This allowed women to be independent people instead of just the property of their fathers and husbands. When someone has total power over your food, shelter, clothing, and any other needs they can become abusive. It would be hard for a woman in that situation to ever have her wishes and dreams fulfilled. This has also allowed women to support a family if their husbands died or left them. 
2. Women can achieve what they want and influence others. Women can contribute to society, make important decisions that affect others, contribute to research and technology, write things that are read by millions, express unpopular opinions, employ others, and do many other things they could not do before. They can achieve whatever they think is important and influence society in ways that were not possible in the past. Women can also vote and have a say in what happens to them and their community.
3. Women are protected from men. This is very important. Men are still physically more powerful than women and women are often the victims of abuse, rape, theft, and even murder committed by men. In the past some of these crimes were ignored (especially against Black women). But now the law is on the side of women when a man is the perpetrator. Laws were also created to protect women from discrimination so that sexism has become highly unpopular and punishable. 
4. Women are considered to be important. We were no longer seen as property and our issues became important. We became individuals with inherent importance instead of just pretty dolls who should be seen and not heard. There was more to us than just being a wife and mother and those roles were no less important than a man's roles. The achievements and contributions of women are now recognized when they were ignored and ridiculed in the past. 

But I think there are some negative consequences of feminism too. I'll start off with posting a video.

This video really made me think. Are women really treated worse than men? 

1. Men have rejected chivalry. Men (and maybe some women) have confused having equal rights with being treated exactly the same in every area of life. Being paid the same and being seen as equally human is not the same as treating a woman exactly like a man. But because of feminism some men reason that because they don't open doors for men or pay for their dinner they don't have to do that for a woman. They ignore the fact that they are trying to win the woman over so they have to be nicer! They no longer want to be the pursuer.
2. Men don't want to get married. Some men will even encourage women to have children and raise them alone because women are "so strong" and can earn their own money. They don't feel the need to be a husband because they will not have complete control over their wives. They would prefer it if marriage made a woman their property. Some men don't even want to be the main breadwinner anymore and have lost the drive to be successful. Some are fine with mooching off a woman and aspire to be house husbands. 
3. Men don't feel the need to protect women. In the past (an still today to an extent) women were regarded as being weak, fragile, and in need of protection, somewhat like children. Women did not want to be compared to children. But we had a good thing going! Men would risk their lives for us, we were protected from harm, and men would let us get into lifeboats if a ship sank. This did not happen on that Italian cruise ship where the men pushed women aside and saved themselves. Men were more willing to get hurt and die for us when they considered us to be inferior to them. They liked us being dependent on them! Who would have expected that? I have even heard men online say they would punch a woman now because we are equal to men! 
4. Everyone thinks masculine things are superior to feminine things. In the past men thought women's interests and responsibilities were unimportant, but women valued these things. Now, many women also consider traditionally feminine things to be inferior. They are rejecting useful things like cooking, sewing, and raising children and want to play football, race cars, and get tattoos. Women have taken up the stupid things that men like and look down on women who embrace the traditional. 

The points above make me reluctant to call myself a feminist because I know that there are some feminists who will read my list of drawbacks and actually call them benefits! These women reject any chivalrous act by a man, they never want to marry (and tell other women not to marry), they refuse protection from men, and reject everything feminine. They ruin things for women like me and confuse men who prefer women like me. 

So in my opinion, the feminists have won and they need to relax a little. Right now we have our cake and we can eat it too because we are regarded as equals yet somehow special and in need of protection. We can get the same jobs as men and employers have to change workplaces to accommodate us. The law punishes men for hurting us more severely than they do for hurting other men and we get less punishment for the same actions. The feminists have won! There are small battles that need to be fought and institutionalized sexism (just like racism), but things are not as dire as they were in the past. If they keep pushing then the drawbacks will become even more prevalent. I think it would be great if racism did not exist one day, but do I really want to see the day when women are treated exactly the same as men? I'd have to say no. 

Lessons We can Learn From Brazilian Women

My parents are from the Caribbean but I was born in Canada. Negative things have been said about Caribbean women too. Negative things were said about Rihanna's being from the Caribbean after that incident with Chris Brown (can't stand him). But I think there are some things we can learn from women who come from tropical places. I watched a few YouTube videos and I've noticed a few things. I have to first state that the women were chosen for the videos because they are beautiful and many are models, so they probably don't typify the average Brazilian or Caribbean woman. But I think it is fair to compare them to American women and models who are considered attractive.

1. Exotic allure: Anyone looking at these women would say they are "exotic". Some women think exotic is a bad word and don't want it applied to them. But what is wrong with being exotic rather than ordinary? People love exotic foods and traveling to exotic places. Asian and Latina women don't seem to mind being exotic and men sometimes seek them out just because they are different. Some might say the men who prefer exotic women just have a fetish, but isn't it a fetish to like a large chest or backside, or a certain colour of hair or eyes? Does having that fetish matter if a man loves and marries you? Men are attracted to women because of the way they look and some prefer a different look. Sometimes I think people call it a fetish because they can't understand why someone would want an exotic woman and they prefer the standard European look. It's just another way to devalue one of our qualities. Maybe those of us who are from the Caribbean, Africa, or South America should embrace our exotic roots. I personally think anything is better than hip hop fashion.
2. Carefree attitude: I doubt most people in the tropics are carefree but I'm just referring to the women in the videos. The women in the videos look happy, flirty, carefree, and easy to get along with. They don't look hardened. This is a very feminine quality and it is very attractive. They may have problems but they don't show it or they handle it well. 
3. Natural hair: Most of the women in the videos have long hair that is also natural. There were many different textures, some hair hung down, some was more puffy, but they all looked beautiful. I LOVE natural hair. Long hair is feminine but so is natural hair. Their hair was very sexy!
4. Healthy Weight: For some reason the women had really thin arms and waists but large breasts and backsides! It isn't possible to spot reduce so this look may be very difficult for most to achieve. But one thing we can do is exercise and eat healthier so that our waists are smaller. Larger waists are associated with health problems such as diabetes. Notice that many of the dancers had very fit legs and they were not skinny like Western fashion models. They look healthy not underweight. 
5. Beautiful skin: These women had skin that glows! Some had a biracial look, sometimes with light eyes and skin but there were plenty with dark skin and eyes. The photos were probably touched up too. The lesson for us though is that we need to moisturize, exfoliate, and take good care of our skin. Brown, tan skin just looks baked, ripe, and healthy :)
6. Stay feminine while dancing. There were several clips of women dancing. Some appeared to be doing Latin dances. They looked very feminine (I know they were barely dressed and you wouldn't wear those outfits everyday). Many hip hop dances (especially crumping...gross) look too hard and masculine. I think reggae dance can be vulgar sometimes too. Try to conduct yourself like a lady when you dance and men will treat you like one. I am not a fan of calypso, reggae, or Latin dance. I might get to like Latin dance and I want to take some kind of dance lessons. I think the dance in the videos is samba...very hot!

The Risk of Smiling Too Much

Hey Ladies,

Remember that post I did called Smiling More Often Can Improve Your Life? Well I purposefully developed a habit of having a slight smile on my face instead of my regular neutral face. I did this because in the past people have looked at me and thought I was mad or sad about something when it was just my neutral face. I like the way I looked with the slight smile and I looked like a happy person. I developed such a habit that my face felt strange when I wasn't doing it and I would automatically correct myself.

Unfortunately, many things come with a cost. Today I noticed I was starting to get a laugh line! Normally, like most people, there are creases that run from my nose to the corners of my mouth when I smile, but they are not there when my face is neutral. Older people have these creases all the time, and even a lot of young White people have them because they tend to wrinkle early. That is why dark skinned individuals may look younger longer; the creases do not become permanent until we are much older. I read all those articles about the benefits of smiling but not one of them mentioned it gives you laugh lines!!!!

So, I think I'll keep the light smile only when I know people can see me and I'll rest my face the rest of the time. I hope it goes away because I love that people thing I'm way younger than I look. I guess if you make a face long enough it really will get stuck that way!

Any Woman can Look Masculine...But not an EBW!

Watch the video below (sorry about the music). I keep on hearing that White women (and Asian women) are supposedly the most feminine and Black women are too masculine (totally untrue) based on the way we look.

Another video about how NOT to dress and act: Feminine Masculinity & Androgyny


As you could see from the video, any woman, even a beautiful woman, can look masculine depending on her clothing, hairstyle, posture, and mannerisms. Notice most of them are slouching with their legs open, and they are not smiling. They are trying to look hard. As Black women we have to fight to not appear masculine or androgynous and leave that behaviour to other women. Don't dress like the women in the video if you want to be considered feminine and be treated like a lady. We just can't get away with it the way other women can. Some of them can dress this way, but because they are regarded as being more feminine as a group, they are still treated well. But because so many Black women have embraced masculine hip hop style and mannerisms we are considered more masculine. I don't buy that theory that dark skin is associated with being masculine, that's just some people's preference.

Here are some videos showing feminine fashion ideas:

Asian Fashion Inspiration (notice the feminine demeanor and poses!)
Asian Fashion Inspiration2

I also thought this would be interesting for those of you who don't think you are pretty enough. Most of us don't wake up looking pretty, not even celebrities!

Celebrities Without Make-up (play on mute)

Masculine Things I am Rejecting

I remember growing up seeing messages encouraging women to do masculine things. I support women doing beneficial things that they were prevented from doing in the past such as getting post-secondary education, entering professions that require intelligence, living alone, voting etc. But I resent that I felt pressured to do traditionally masculine things because someone else thought that behaviour was better or somehow advanced the feminist cause. An article on Madame Noire called Foul Mouthed: Women Now More Vulgar than Ever inspired this post. I didn't like the way a feminist professor seemed to support the trend of women cursing as though it was a step closer to women's freedom. I made the comment below:

I think cursing is very unladylike and I hope that Black women decide to hold themselves to a higher standard. The feminist quoted in this post seems to think it's a good thing that women are cursing more just because men do it. That is what I don't like about feminism. I support equal rights and protection of women but I don't support the idea that we should do whatever men do, as though what they do is better or more correct. Beware of this type of thinking. Sometimes when Black women take on this thinking their behaviours are judged more negatively than the White women who endorse it! It's not fair that we have to be twice as good to be considered equal but that's sometimes the way it is. Black women have to act more feminine than White women to be considered equally feminine (it's not fair I know, but if you want to be considered feminine you have to really express it). 

I think women should not swear, men should not swear in our presence, and men should swear less. Men are not carrying themselves like gentlemen and women are not carrying themselves like proper ladies.  Reality tv is garbage and I can see why it's having a negative effect on girls. They think that drama is a common thing in people's lives and the behaviour is normal.

This inspired me to make a list of the masculine things that I now reject because I felt some unhealthy pressure to like or want to do these things. Think about this, no one would criticize a man for trying to be as masculine as possible and taking up masculine pursuits. But if a woman tries to be as feminine as possible and chooses feminine pursuits some people will actually look down on that! Now I don't think that is being supportive of women!

1. I am not interested in watching or participating in aggressive sports like boxing, mixed martial arts, football, or  hockey.  I have never been interested in sports and I'm not ashamed of that. I may decide to play volleyball, tennis, or golf  to be active and social. Once I start playing I may watch those sports for instructional purposes. I will not pay attention to or admire women who play aggressive sports in order to "support the feminist cause". 
2. I will not try to become muscular. I used to buy fitness magazines that showed fitness competitors and articles about weight training and weight loss. These women were very muscular and I tried to look like them. I thought that it would protect me from others. That was unhealthy and must have come from some insecurity or fear that made me feel vulnerable. I will now exercise to look feminine. 
3. If a man tries to protect me or do me a favor I will NEVER say no (unless it puts me in danger). I will let them open doors, walk me to my car, carry large packages, and prevent me from being harmed. They like to do this and it benefits me if they do, so why fight it?
4. I will not speak like an unrefined man. This means I will not curse or speak in a vulgar manner to anyone. My speech will be intelligent and pleasant not ugly or boorish. I will speak in an appropriate tone, not speak loudly in public or air my dirty laundry in public, and I will never argue in public (and I will maintain my poise when I have disagreements in private). 
5. I will not wear masculine clothing even if designers start a trend. I am not interested in boyfriend jackets, pant suits, or androgynous attire. I will always wear clothes that look nothing like men's clothes.
6. I will not go without make-up, long hair, or styled hair. I will make myself look attractive. I will not let any feminist ideas convince me that trying to look good is vain, it makes me a slave to male desires, or that I should not strive for attainable, feminine, (Black) beauty ideals. Not doing this is detrimental to Black women. We need to try to look better than other women so that we can be deemed equal (unfair I know but that seems to be the only way). Looking like a man, sloppy, or unattractive is not going to help me or the progress of women. We need the world to accept that women can be beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, and capable at the same time. 
7. I will not become a workaholic and neglect family so that I can rise to the top. For me, once I finish my education and enter my field, I will be at the top. I will work for an organization and eventually for myself, but I am not in competition with anyone. I will not sacrifice having a family for awards, fame, or to show off to others. I am not in business or a high stakes field that is full of competition so I will only work as much as I need to (glad I chose a non-competitive field).
8. I will not drink heavily or smoke and I will leave that to the men. These things are unhealthy and I would prefer a man who didn't do these things either. I will not let other women or men entice me to drink heavily or smoke. 
9. I will let men do the "masculine" household tasks. I'll let them shovel snow, mow the lawn, fix the car, change light bulbs, make home repairs etc. They like these things and I don't so they can do them. I'll do more of the feminine household things (but I expect a man to clean up after himself and cook for himself when I can't. He can't be a total dependent slob lol). 
10. I will let men be men when it comes to dating. I will not be the pursuer or the aggressive one. I don't care what feminists say about being empowered and chasing a man, being sexually liberated (i.e., promiscuous), or deciding to have a child on my own. I don't think these things will be beneficial to me.

Does Your Man's Money Matter?

I just read a ridiculous post on Madame Noire called Does Your Man's Money Matter? Reasons to Love Him Not His Loot. Even the title is annoying because it implies you either love a man or love his money not that you love the man and being successful is part of the man. This reminds me of all those unrealistic articles aimed at Black women telling us to lower our standards, to not consider money in any way, and to find a man with so-called "potential" to raise with our love. Don't believe it! An EBW seeks out a successful gentleman who is on her level and compliments her rather than drags her down. My comment on Madame Noire appears below. No I am not saying love a man for his money, just like I would never advocate staying with a no good man because he is good in bed, or because he is good looking. You want a complete package and being successful and financially secure is part of that package. But of course, you have to have something to offer and realistically, you may only find a match who is on your level. Be realistic, but don't lower yourself. 

In this whole argument what I object to is women of a certain level or success being told to consider men of little/no success the same way they would successful men. I object to the target of this message. Yes, if you are poor strive to improve your situation in any (legal) way you can, if you are sick try to become healthier, if you are failing school try to become an honor's student, if you can't do something try to improve so that you can. Those are positive and reasonable messages. I don't subscribe to any teachings that you are supposed to be suffering where you are and that is where you are meant to be. I believe and encourage everyone to improve (that's the purpose of this blog). But I object to telling someone to do anything that may be against their best interests and to not strive to be or obtain the best they can. If your grades are good enough for the best school you should apply to that school (and safety schools just in case) and don't apply to the worst school out there. If you are smart then apply to a good job where you can benefit financially from your intelligence, not a job that won't use your talent. If you are beautiful go for the best man you can get, don't go for the ugliest guy just because he needs love too. Aim for what you deserve or even higher, not lower. I have no problems with articles teaching poor men how to score successful women because that would be them trying to win the best! 


But this article is backwards and advises successful women to go for poor men...it makes no sense. Well, it makes sense if you think these women are desperate and that's the point! No one would advise you to do something against your best interests unless you are desperate, they are somehow benefiting from it, or if they are just not very smart. If you are not desperate don't take their advice! Next thing you know someone will be advising middle-class women to go to "the hood" to find single men because they need love too and they can raise them to be successful...nonsense! Here are some articles about dating down: Putting Money on the Table, 7 Signs you are Dating Down,  Dating Down, the Girl's Advantage (interesting, it's about dating down physically, something that I actually do for the same reasons in the article. Can't trust a guy who's too good looking lol. I go for average cute, even a bit nerdy, my height or taller, but not someone who has every woman drooling).

This is one of THE WORST articles I have ever read on Madame Noire! Was this actually written by a Black woman? It sounds exactly like one of those Black woman haters who feel entitled to any Black woman, no matter how little he has done with his life. The same men who say all you should care about is love (not the fact that he never works, dropped out of school, is a criminal etc...totally unrealistic) and that if you believe in them somehow they will succeed (even if they haven't for 35 years previously). This is that same stupid "raise a man" thing that has been told ONLY to Black women. Enough with the comparisons to Michelle and Barack, he was a Harvard educated lawyer! That was not having nothing! There is a BIG difference between having a degree in lucrative field and being some wannabe rapper! 

And the examples of someone with potential you give (someone waiting for the NFL, record contract, becoming a successful artist) perfect examples of long-shots where it's rare for anyone to succeed and you are advising women to go for those men! I NEVER go for athletes, musicians, or artists because they rarely succeed and anyone with sense knows that! Men with degrees have potential and are likely to succeed but that's nowhere in your article!

I can not believe that in this day in age you are actually suggesting a woman stay with a broke man because of his "magic stick"!?? What a brainless piece of nonsense because that magic stick will not pay the bills and sex does not equal love or respect. So many women get in major trouble for that very thing (putting up with abuse, getting pregnant by a deadbeat) because of the magic stick and you are advocating staying with someone because of that??? 

The most annoying thing about this article is that once again, the poor man is painted as someone who is full of love, good in bed, and has potential. What make you think he has those qualities and a man with a middle income does not? Successful men are just as loving and good in bed, plus they can pay their bills. Poor men need love too...so do stupid, ugly, obnoxious, lazy, drug-addicted, and violent men so should you give them a chance too? Only Black women are given the advice to lower their standards and take a chance on someone who is clearly unsuccessful. Black women raise your standards! If you are successful look for someone else who is and never lower your standards because you feel sorry for someone or because of their magic stick!

Tribute to Black Beauty Queens

I've been meaning to make this post for a while but I didn't have the time. Last month I watched videos of Black beauty queens on YouTube and I have links for you all to watch. These are the women we need to look up to! I'm not talking about being some diva, doing anything to win including sabotaging other women, or being nothing but a pretty face. I'm talking about being intelligent, well-spoken, educated, ambitious, poised, congenial, and a well-rounded woman who men desire and women envy. Those are the traits of an EBW! Enjoy these videos and pay special attention to the make-up (natural looking), physique (healthy, not underweight or overweight, athletic not masculine), intelligence (in the answers), poise, and grace. Many of these pageants award scholarships, the chance to travel and make new connections, and the opportunity to be a role model. They are not just pretty faces...but they could do without the swimsuit competition. Oh yes, and look at how lovely Black women can look in gowns!

Vanessa Williams Miss America 1984 (yes I know about her indiscretion but she still carries herself like a lady and expressed herself so well in this video!)

Chelsi Smith Miss USA 1995

Janelle Commissiong first Black Miss Universe 1977
Vanessa Williams Miss America 1984 and Vanessa Williams the beauty queen
Miss Trinidad Miss world 1986 (Halle Berry is in this clip)
Debbie Turner Miss America 1990
Carole Gist Miss USA 1990
Kenya Moore Miss USA 1993
Ericka Dunlap Miss America 2004 (she was so surprised it's hilarious!)
Carissa Cameron Miss America 2010
Leila Lopes Miss Universe 2011

Miss Black American Princess Pageant (good example of showing girls how to behave)
Black beauty queens around the world

Are Controlling Black Men Responsible for the "Angry Black Woman" Stereotype?

I found an interesting article called Are Controlling Black Men Responsible for the "Angry Black Woman" Stereotype? Once again, the article points out that Black women need to stop embracing the terms "strong" and "independent" because they are harming us and making us seem different from other women. Although some women of other ethnicities may like the term "independent", they are usually still looked upon as women who are in need or care and tenderness, unlike Black women. That's just the way it is, other women can use these terms and still be treated with care, but we don't get the same.

The solution...reject those terms and never apply them to yourself. Accept any term that implies you are an Elegant Black Woman (EBW) such as graceful, kind, nice, friendly, sophisticated, beautiful, pretty, smart, intelligent, witty, charming, or anything else that is positive or feminine. Reject any masculine term (being intelligent is not a masculine term). Do not let women who embrace masculine terms influence you. That means, be wary of certain feminist ideals (I mean feminist not those who seek equal rights for women) and encouragement to accept all things masculine and see all traditionally feminine things as inferior. Embrace the feminine and do what you need to do to lead a happy, healthy life where you are treated with respect, kindness, and tenderness.

What really stood out for me in the article is that Black women are sometimes called "angry" when they ask for what they want and called "independent" when they get what they want themselves. I think they should have also included that we are called "strong" in order to keep us accepting negative situations (e.g., poverty, abusive relationships, disrespect etc.). These words have been used to manipulate us! This brings me back to my previous article Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women and how important it is for us to be able to express ourselves, what we need and want, and when we are being mistreated in an assertive manner rather than being aggressive or passive. This is how we can communicate and still be regarded as feminine not angry or strong. Nowadays I have no problem asking for what I want and getting it, and I appear approachable, friendly, and feminine to the people I encounter. Smile, ask for what you want in an assertive manner, and the world might just fall at your charming feet!

If I Were a Poor Black Woman: If I Were a Poor Black Kid Response

Most of you have probably heard or read about the Forbes editorial called "If I Were a Poor Black Kid" written by Gene Marks, a middle-aged White man. It was about his list of things he would do to get out of poverty, including buying an inexpensive computer, using internet resources, making good grades your number one priority, trying to get a private school scholarship etc. Okay, please don't send me death threats...but when I first read it I thought it was a good article with great advice! I thought to myself, if I had those resources growing up I would have done even better in school! Well, there has been TONS of negative feedback about the article. It seemed almost unanimous that people thought the guy was out of touch. I guess that means I'm out of touch too. The feedback made me realize that I can't relate to African Americans in many ways, especially poor African Americans. The first step is admitting it right?

My parents grew up poor in the Caribbean (worse than American poor in some ways) and then came to Canada. They both obtained university degrees (my mother has 2). They were middle class. They always pressured me to do well in school and acted like anything less than an A wasn't good enough (that hurt my feelings at the time but I guess it was for the best). So I worked as hard as I could in school, got an undergraduate degree, master's, and now I'm almost finished my doctorate. So when I read Mr. Marks' editorial I thought about all the ways his advice fits with what I was told in the past what I think would have helped me. A few years ago I actually tried to gather online resources that would be useful for the Black community, so even then I thought using the internet and technology was a great idea that could help us.

I am middle class and I like middle class people and their values. I think Black people make up only 2% of Canada's population, most of us are from the Caribbean (some from Africa), none of our ancestors were enslaved here, and there was no Jim Crow. All the people I know, went to school with, and will work with in the future probably think like Marks too. I think I might get along better with him than many of the people commenting on his post. So what does that mean? Well I think that negative stereotypes about Black women affect all Black women, no matter where they are from, or what class they are in. Because we are a minority group outside of the Caribbean and Africa, we will be categorized as an "other" and the majority will think we are all the same (i.e., they will expect most Black women to be loud, obnoxious, promiscuous, obese, etc. before they even meet us). So that means all Black women need to work on the image of Black women. But it also means that I am giving advice from my personal experience that may be quite different from African American women or women who are poor. Yes, I've read several books about African American history, but that's not the same thing now is it? Also, I'm not planning on joining any community groups or trying to change the system either because I have to focus on my own life right now (just like most people).

Reading the negative feedback made me really notice how much anger and defensiveness there is in some African American people! When I was reading AA history I became angry too and blogs and videos maintained the fire. I became angry about racism and discrimination that holds Black people back even though (despite a struggle) I have succeed at my educational and career goals. I was mad about slavery and blamed all White people even though no one alive today participated in slavery, especially the people in Canada. Online there was so much anger, self-defeating talk, competitiveness, sexism, and extreme negativity! So for a while I stopped reading, commenting, or thinking about Black issues to get away from the negativity. I went back to dating interracially and not limiting my entertainment to Black culture. I just like what I like now and try to look for the good in things rather than rejecting things entirely. I stopped being an angry Black women who didn't have much to personally be angry about. I finally came back to start this blog after seeing that YouTube video by that Ethiopian woman that assaulted the image of Black women. Her negativity made me want to do something positive, in my own way, with my limited student budget, that might help on an individual level (just as Mark's thought his editorial could help on an individual level).

So, am I much different from him? I read things and blog about it. I find things that I like and incorporate them into my life and I share that with everyone. I give suggestions. But I know and acknowledge that many women won't have access to the internet or this blog, and won't have the means to buy new clothes or make-up. But I do provide online resources that they obviously have access to if they are reading this blog (the same thing Marks was probably assuming). People complained that little kids would never read Forbes...but other adults obviously have and have spread it all around the internet. Maybe they could give the article to their kids and see if they are actually overwhelmed by it or it they want to try some of his suggestions. At least maybe they will visit the websites he suggested. If you are not a poor Black kid, how do you know they would reject everything he said? If not a poor Black kid, maybe a middle or working class kid of any ethnicity might like it. In the end though, it was just an editorial, one page of suggestions from one man...is it really such a big deal? What advice would you give to a poor Black kid?

Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women!!!

Yes, the post title is full of hyperbole but it is sort of true :) As those of you familiar with this blog can tell, I have been struggling to figure out why people keep criticizing Black women for being unfeminine. I've explored some areas where we can change to improve our feminine appearance and mannerisms:

• clothing and fashion
• make-up
• hair
• smiling
• manners and etiquette
• embracing feminine qualities
• body weight
• independence (boasting too much about it)
• listening to masculine music
• traditional hobbies (e.g., cooking, sewing both very practical skills)
• reducing overt sexuality

Some people even say that because of our dark skin tone people will automatically judge us to be masculine. I don't believe in that though. A woman can be very dark and highly feminine (like many African models) or very light and highly masculine (e.g., Rosie O-Donnell anyone?). It's so outdated especially considering how many light-skinned women tan today. I don't think it's only dark skinned Black women who are being called masculine so that defeats the argument. Being feminine is a combination of many traits.

I think I there was one very important trait that I was missing! The problem is that many people expect and prefer women to be passive and equate that with being feminine! The stereotype for Asian women is that they are very passive (I've learned this isn't really true). People tend to call that submissive and some men say that's what they prefer about Asian women. Passive is defined as: Accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance. Very scary when you think about it that some men seek a woman who will do whatever they want like that! Men who need this have problems and we should all avoid them! Yes, it's very feminine to be quiet, speak softly, not cause a scene, or argue, but being passive all the time will only lead others to take advantage of you and you will not get your needs met. There is a difference between being easy-going and laid-back and being a door mat or push-over for everyone else.

On the other hand, Black women are criticized for being too aggressive. Aggressive is defined as: 1) Ready or likely to attack or confront; characterized or resulting from aggression. 2. Pursuing one's aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so. It is necessary for people to defend themselves and pursue what they want but do you don't have to argue about everything and always get your way? I've heard Black women say they won't put up with the things other women do so they speak up or break up. These Black women are aggressive while other women are passive. Plus, given that some of us are constantly harassed and criticized, being passive and accepting it all would lead to victimization and depression. So what is the best way to be feminine, not be a door mat, get your needs met, and stand up for yourself? Is it even possible to do all of that?

Yes it is possible if you learn how to be assertive!!! Early when I began this blog I posted links to some articles about assertiveness but I never specifically wrote about it. I have done assertiveness training and learned about conflict resolution, but many people have not. This may be the most important thing I ever post on this blog!

Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings and assert one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others. Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person. Assertiveness comes naturally to some, but is a skill that can be learned. People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress. (source)

When I started this blog I posted many areas where I needed to improve, but I tend to be too passive instead of aggressive and I can be assertive when I need to be. This is what I think Black women need to start doing. Passive and assertive need to be our default instead of aggressive most of the time. Assertiveness training is too much to go into here but I have a list of great online resources for you to read so that you can learn how to be assertive instead of aggressive. I strongly recommend doing this! This will help you to get what you want out of life but not leave you vulnerable to the abuse of others. This will improve our communication with everyone and greatly improve the way we appear to the rest of the world. An EBW must learn how to be assertive! Yes, men should do their part and learn this too!

Articles:
Improve Your Assertiveness (excellent quality online workbook)
How to Be More Assertive (great lessons)
Setting Boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training (even better lessons)
Assertiveness Skills Training Tips (very good)
Reduce Stress with Increased Assertiveness
Learn Assertive Communication in Five Simple Steps
10 Top Tips to Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive
Six Steps to becoming Assertive
How to be Assertive with Friends or Family
Assertiveness Training

Elegant African Women

I found a few videos of African model photo shoots. I think the clothing is so beautiful and feminine. They have the same skin as Western Black women. Of course these are models so they are unusually tall and thin and there are African women who are overweight. I don't think these models are as emaciated as Western high fashion models though (which is good because curves are feminine) Do you think people would treat us better if we looked like this?

Is a lot of the criticism thrown at Black women because of our weight? We definitely don't want to develop eating disorders, go on unhealthy yo-yo diets, or take dangerous pills but we should not purposefully try to look 'thick' either. We need to be healthier and physically active and find a balance while avoiding the extremes. I think EBWs really need to embrace healthy lifestyles, focus less on getting pleasure from fatty or sugary foods, and stop worrying about ruining our hair if we get sweaty. I exercise regularly and try to eat healthy as much as possible. I'm not perfect but it's always a priority for me...is a healthy lifestyle a priority for you? Would you want to look like one of these models or do you think that would be impossible? Is it dangerous to even look at models when discussing healthy lifestyles?

This also made me think about who Black women look up to as role models. My parents are from the Caribbean, but I don't pay much attention to that culture. Would Western Black women and EBWs be better off looking at African and Caribbean women as models of femininity? They are Black after all. There is a whole film industry in Nigeria with plenty of Black actresses but I have no idea if the women portrayed would be good role models or not. Does it matter if the women live in a different culture or is it good enough that they look like us? I'm going to look more into the feminine mannerisms of African and Caribbean women and I'll write about what I find :)