The Irresponsibility of Women Who Support Promiscuity

Long Post lol! Well after writing my previous post, My issue with slut shaming, I watched several videos by women who were opposed to Jenna Marbles original video and you can see them below. I agree with a lot of what Jenna said (except for the language of course) and the response videos only add to my opinion that modern feminism is on the wrong path and not for me. You will notice that almost all of the videos are by young White women too who seem very similar in my opinion (educated, privileged looking, healthy looking and basically acceptable to society except maybe for some piercings and coloured hair, but still privileged). I also find it almost comical that these feminists are upset with Jenna for using the word "slut" yet they applauded a worldwide campaign called SlutWalk to embrace the word and the protection of "sluts"! If being a slut is so great why are you upset when she calls a spade a spade? It just supports the idea that taking back highly negative and emotionally/historically charged words is nonsense. I have seen only three videos that also support Jenna. Video 1, Video2, Video3.

In the opposition videos there seemed to be common sentiments. One was that the vloggers were in support of ANY frequency or amount of sex a woman had as long as it was "safe". They gloss over the fact that many STDs can still be transmitted when wearing condoms, condoms break, and birth control can fail. They say things like, "I would hope that if you decide to have many partners that you would use safe sex." Hmmmm...do you think this always happens? There are probably plenty of men and women who prefer sex without condoms and these are the ones spreading the diseases and having unwanted pregnancies. You advocate doing "what feels good" and to some people not wearing condoms feels good. When you sleep with your partner you are also sleeping with all of their previous partners and it just takes one condom break for a disease to be transmitted.

Also, many of these casual sex enthusiasts like to have sex at the spur of the moment and one night stands are not prepared with condoms. Women who like to get drunk/high and have sex are probably not sober enough to even think about safe sex. There are also women who are on birth control and decide to have sex, maybe even with a monogamous partner, without condoms and this is when STDs are transferred. These vloggers are ignoring these men and women who haven't been tested and don't know they are spreading STDs. Unless you get tested before having unprotected sex with your partner then you are at risk. Also, given that two people embrace the "do it if it feels good mentality", it takes just one of them to cheat without a condom to catch a disease and bring it home to their partner. Furthermore, men and women who are promiscuous may be more likely to seek out like minded partners and are therefore choosing to sleep with people who have also had many sexual partners (i.e., they seek out high risk partners) exposing them to even more danger.

Many even said they supported women who were promiscuous even though they did not chose that lifestyle for themselves! It's like, "Sure go ahead and put yourself at risk my sisters, but I'll just sit back here all safe and cheer you on while you ruin your life." Seriously, if what sluts do is so acceptable to you then why aren't you doing the same? Maybe it's not as great as you say it is since you have absolutely no experience with being promiscuous yet you are acting like there are no negative consequences as long as it is "safe" and consentual. Be wary of people who do this! What they are saying is based on philosophy, theorizing, and ideals not on actually experiencing what they are endorsing or the unforseen consequences. In my opinion what they say has much less weight than someone who is actually promiscuous and reports having no negative consequences. Its interesting that you never see women who actually look like prostitutes, 50 and never married, with 10 illegitimate children, claiming they have AIDS, multiple abortions etc. doing these pro promiscuity videos. I'm guessing that the women who actually lead these lifestyles are not proud of it and don't think it's great for some feminist reasons. These vloggers talk about this and that being okay yet they don't put themselves out there saying how many partners they have, if they have or ever had STDs, any abortions or unwanted pregnancies etc. They are supporting a lifestyle they have no experience with! Let me hear from the woman with 200 sex partners that having so many partners was great, she's proud of herself, and she doesn't regret a thing.

I really don't understand this whole "I respect whatever choices other people make as long as they don't affect me" crap. So you're a better and more moral person because you accept anything? In my opinion other people's sex lives do affect me because they spread STDs I could catch, they influence men who I want to date, they produce unwanted babies that some say are more prone to beahaviour problems and crime, or the kids end up in foster care and in need of adoption, and they influence what is expected of women like me. I readily admit that I do not respect many choices other people make even though they don't affect me because I think their actions are stupid, disgusting, or dangerous to other people in society. Yeah I care if someone watches/makes child pornography even if it's not me or my child, I care if someone rapes other women, if someone kills other people, if someone steals, if kids are dying from drugs, if 14 year olds are getting pregnant, if there are wars in other countries etc. and I will have opinions about those things because I care when other people are getting hurt or in danger! These "respect everything" people come off as being accepting but they are actually callous and uncaring as long as it doesn't affect them. You support others being promiscuous but it is them, NOT YOU who have to deal with the consequences! I don't want to deal with the consequences of promiscuous people so I don't support their actions. If you support their actions then maybe you need to help them with the consequences and take responsibility for what you endorsed. The vloggers watched Jenna's video and only cared about the promiscuous women who could feel insulted instead of recognizing that Jenna was trying to PROTECT young girls and women from getting hurt by being promiscuous. See the pattern? These women care more about not blaming women for what they do and not making them feel bad after the fact instead of persuading them to avoid doing things that could get them seriously hurt with long term repercussions! (It's women like this who protest against women trying to protect themselves from rape and only focus on not blaming them for anything after it happens, all that caring is useless if the woman is dead.)

What I also noticed was that the vloggers seemed to be living in a fairytale land where they state their idealistic desires as though they are reality and the thoughts of most people. They say things like, "it doesn't matter how many partners a woman has", well it doesn't matter to you but it matters to most people even if it's not fair. They state, "a woman should be respected no matter how many casual sex partners she has" while ignoring the FACT that most people today do not respect such women! Maybe 50 years in the future such statements will be facts, but right now they are not. The responsible thing to say is that at the present, women who are promiscuous are rarely respected and they may suffer negative social consequences for their behaviour. They are being incredibly irresponsible by ignoring the current reality. I understand that they are trying to change reality but until this reality is changed it is their responsibility to inform people of the potential consequences of their actions in this day of age.

These vloggers ignore many potential negative consequences of having sex with whoever you want whenever you want. These are things that the casual sex advocates conveniently fail to mention but they are things that many women know and warn their friends and daughters about. I feel that some of these casual sex advocates are like permissive parents who are okay with anything their kids do while not protecting them by setting limits and warning them about potential dangers. Everyone already knows the dangers of STDs and unwanted pregnancies so I'll skip over those. Your can probably think of women in your life or the news/entertainment media who have experienced these consequences. Of course there may be positive consequences to each situation too. These are some examples just off the top of my head:

1. If you sleep with your boss it may make things uncomfortable at work if things don't work out. Some people actually consider this to be rape or sexual harassment so your desire to feel good could blow up into a court case and everyone you know could find out about it. You may feel obligated to continue having sex in order to keep your job. You may also be fired and have to file a wrongful termination suit that you may not win. Your coworkers may lose respect for you, dislike you, and you could gain a reputation for sleeping your way to the top. It could hurt your career. Of course some women marry their bosses.
2. Related to #1, if you have sex with a coworker and things don't work out then you may be uncomfortable when you continue working with them. Sometimes working with the person becomes impossible and you may need to quit. Other coworkers may find out, gossip about you, and lose respect for you. You may develop a bad reputation at your work or even in your field. If your job has a policy of no dating between coworkers you could be fired. It may interfere with your work productivity. If things don't work out with your partner they may make your life miserable at work especially if they have more power. Of course some women marry their coworkers.
3. Many vloggers said sleeping with married/coupled people is wrong but this may happen intentionally or unintentionally. Men often have affairs or one night stands with promiscuous women who have sex before getting to know them and realizing that they are not single. You may end up breaking up a relationship without even knowing it because you had sex too fast. If a woman thinks sex is no big deal then she may not have a problem sleeping with married/coupled men. The availability of promiscuous women makes it more easy for men to cheat and that will end up hurting their partners. If you are in a couple then promiscuous women are a threat to you. They can ruin your marriage or relationship, transmit disease, and cause unwanted pregnancies. 
4. If you are a young person then being promiscuous could get you in big trouble with your parents. No parent will be proud if they find out their 17 year old daughter has had 30 sex partners aged 14-50. They will be disappointed and possibly disgusted with you. They may choose to punish you or do something to restrict your freedom. 
5. If you are attending school and being promiscuous with other students then you could gain a bad reputation and be labeled a "slut". Few boys at school will see you as girlfriend material and they will just try to get sex with you. Most girls at school will have little respect for you and may not want to associate with you out of fear that they will also be labeled. You may become a victim of bullying and social isolation, or you may be end up hanging out with the wrong crowd. This bad reputation may follow you to other schools and throughout your community. There have been cases of girls with bad reputations actually committing suicide due to bullying. Calling yourself a "slut" or getting yourself a bad reputation by being promiscuous is a very bad idea!
6. If you are promiscuous with many men in your neighborhood you could gain a bad reputation and be labeled a "slut". This may make it difficult for you to find a relationship in your community because most men don't want relationships with women their friends and family members have slept with or with women who have bad reputations. You may be harassed more by men who feel entitled to have sex with you. Other women may harass you and not want you around out of fear you will sleep with their men. 
7. There may be negative psychological consequences for being promiscuous. They may not be experienced by everyone. You may enjoy the sex at the moment but after you may feel guilty or bad about what you did. You may feel bad and used when you sleep with someone you like and they never contact you again. Or if you sleep with someone and they kick you out of their place, laugh at you, insult you, or tell all of their friends and laugh at you then you will feel horrible. It doesn't matter if all your feminist girlfriends respect you because it still hurts when the men you sleep with do not. Many men who would sleep with you without a relationship or when you are a stranger HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU and they see you as no more than a pleasure object to throw away after. Are you okay with someone thinking of and treating you that way? Some people reason that only a woman who doesn't respect herself would tolerate being with men who don't respect her so that's why they say promiscuous women don't respect themselves. You are risking all of this when you sleep with someone who has not shown they care about you. You may feel unworthy when other women have relationships but you only get one night stands. Or you may feel bad when other women get commitment before sex and you only get sex without commitment. You may question your self-worth. If you develop a reputation then the gossip and negative comments may make you feel bad. You may be socially excluded and feel bad about that. 
8. You may be harassed by men who know your reputation. Your family, friends, and kids may find out and they could also be harassed. In fact in one video a woman said she supported other women being porn stars...imagine the effect that would have on your dating life, reputation, and your kids. I know for a fact that some women who engaged in porn have lost opportunities as soon as their history was discovered. If you have a reputation for being promiscuous that could follow you for many, many years. You may meet men who you really like who will reject you once they learn of your reputation and how many partners you have had. Their friends and family members may also try to convince the men that you are not good enough for them. If you sleep around too much it may become difficult to find a man in your social circles so it may be harder for you to find a partner. If it is hard for you to find a partner you may end up alone or settling for someone you don't want. 

As you can see from this post, there are many reasons why I think encouraging promiscuity for women is a bad idea. In fact I think promoting promiscuity for men is also a bad idea. Many of the vloggers complained that men suffer no consequences for being promiscuous but I disagree. Often women warn their friends to stay away from "players" (aka "man sluts") because these men have reputations for using women for sex. Many women avoid men who look like players because players have a certain look (e.g., greased back hair, open shirts, chains, walk with a limp, always flirting with women even when in a relationship, cheesy pick up lines, ogling women's bodies, cat calling, proposing sex too quickly etc.). The only women who go for such men are the ones who want something from them (e.g., money or fame), don't care about cheating, or think they will change the men. These men are not desirable. Many women will not date or sleep with men who their friends/family have also been with so promiscuous men can not get these women. These men may end up single for long periods of time and lose relationships because they cheat. Women don't want cheaters so this will also make them more undesirable. Personally, I have refused to date men who seemed like players, have admitted they cheated in the past, and who had reported having too many sex partners. So no, these men may be admired by other men but it makes them less desirable to many women. 

As for the whole "why don't you focus more on telling men not to rape" argument. Well, other than telling men "no means no" and don't sleep with drunk girls I think pretty much, MEN KNOW RAPE IS WRONG. I believe men plan to rape (i.e., get sex no matter what) and it doesn't just happen by accident. That is why they plan to do it, they seek out vulnerable victims, do it in private places, and do things to not get caught. That is why they threaten victims to not tell, choose someone less likely to tell and even kill their victims. They know it is wrong! Murderers know what they are doing is wrong too unless they are mentally ill or incapacitated in some way. That is why we don't need public service announcements about not murdering because everyone knows it is wrong! But just like murder, rapists do it because THEY DON'T CARE THAT IT IS WRONG, they think the benefits outweigh the risks, and they think they won't get caught. I believe some men will rape when they get the opportunity but many will not because they think it's wrong and care that it's wrong. The rapists just need to be locked up. But you know what, go ahead start and anti-rape campaign and see it it reduces crime rates, maybe you are right.

Videos

Video 1: This woman is a sex educator and seems to have an anything goes attitude based on her other videos. So this is who is teaching your kids about sex folks. She's telling your teenagers have as much sex with whoever they want as long as they use protection. Teenaged orgies at your house are ok in her book I'm guessing. She says that there were three main points from Jenna's video: 1) Sluts don't respect themselves, 2) Respecting yourself means not having a lot of sex with different men, and 3) Sluts are really stupid women who don't deserve our respect. Those were not the messages I took from the video. The main messages for me were: 1) Sex with many partners, especially those you don't know is dangerous, 3) Sex with many partners you don't know isn't worth it because it isn't fulfilling, and you will feel bad after if your partners don't care about or respect you, 3) All forms of sex count so you are still being promiscuous even if not having vaginal sex, 4) Comparisons to the promiscuity of animals is unrealistic because people have higher cognitive function and morals and emotions related to sex and animals don't, so don't look to animals for examples of healthy sex. Lol she has no problem saying all people are stupid...

Video2: According to this woman having sex with a long-term monogamous partner is just as risky as one night stands while ignoring all the benefits of monogamous relationships. Also, she says its good for OTHER PEOPLE to look out for drunk girls with no mention of the personal responsibility of these girls to not get blackout drunk in the first place. Yes, like many feminists this vlogger places the onus on rapists to not rape and for other people to prevent the rape of women who CHOOSE to get blackout drunk.  Hmm, but didn't you say people shouldn't be concerned when other people's behaviour doesn't affect them? If other women getting blackout drunk and raped doesn't affect me then it's none of my business right? (sarcasm) The thing is, many women and men think promiscuous women are actually being harmed even if they don't realize it at the time. So telling them to "not be sluts" is an attempt to protect them and this was the overwhelming message in Jenna Marbles video! It's always interesting to see people say over and over that they don't care what others do yet get furious when someone merely says they don't like what other people do...I guess what other people do doesn't bother them, only what other people say? Basically women like this are more focused on not hurting someone's feelings after they do something/something bad happens rather then telling women not to do something risky and how to avoid bad things.

Video3, Video4,
Video5: Interesting how she blames women like Jenna for men mistreating sluts and raping women...what happened to that whole blaming men for mistreating women and for rape thing? Sure, if all women stopped looking down on the promiscuous ones then men will stop preferring virgins, be cool with women having 100+ partners, and have won't think twice about marrying the girl who slept with his entire football team...sarcasm. If I grew up hanging with women like this I would have over 100 partners by now because they would never discourage me from having sex with anyone and would tell me it's okay. I mean do these women ever look out for their friends? "A duh sure Elegance, I support your choice to take heroin, have a gangbang with a bunch of strange men in an alley, and oh I support your choice to film it too because I respect you", I don't need friends like that.

Ask Men article: A MUST READ! "An object that has value is worshipped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life...Most women don't realize the importance men place on a woman's promiscuity. Women think that because men don't care about how many women they've slept with, they won't care about how many men their woman has slept with. But the reality is that most men (those looking for a serious relationship and not a one-night stand) do place great value on a woman's sexual restraint."

Has the price of sex bottomed out? EXCELLENT MUST READ!
Feminism produced price drop for sex, price hike for commitment EXCELLENT MUST READ!

My Issue With Slut Shaming

Please watch these two videos. The language may be hard to listen to because there is swearing in the first one, they are talking about sex, and the second video is heartbreaking and talks about rape.







So what is my commentary on slut shaming and these two videos? Some of my comments here are going to be personal and revealing but here goes...Well do you remember when schools, public service announcements, and the media were all about resisting peer pressure and media messages about sex? Remember when they were telling young people to wait to have sex until you were ready, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, and  it's better when you are in a loving relationship? Remember when people warned girls that some guys will just use them for sex so don't give it to them easily? Remember when people warned you to ignore those who said "it's okay, everyone's doing it, it's fun, it's no big deal" and just say "no" if you are uncomfortable with having sex? I wonder what happened to that.

Now, although there are still intellectuals and media campaigns about the dangers of too much sex on TV, the Internet, and advertising there is a new and different message being sent. The message is that its fine, healthy, and normal for women (and men) to have casual sex (sex without a relationship, with strangers, one night stands, friends with benefits) and that this is actually an empowered choice, very fulfilling, and it makes many women very happy. Where did this message come from? Well I think it arose from women who like to have causal sex with multiple partners trying to normalize their behaviour and stop society from making them feel bad about it. So they used arguments about sexism, misogyny, and biology to support their argument that women having casual sex with multiple partners is normal and should be accepted because they apparently enjoy it. They did this so that their lifestyle choices would be accepted. So these women fight slut shaming because it is used to make such women feel bad about their choices...their feelings get hurt when they are called "sluts".

I am more old fashioned I suppose so the warnings and messages of the past (e.g., resist peer pressure, sex is better in a loving relationship etc.) were appropriate for me. I actually wish I was stronger and had been able to resit more of the peer pressure. Let me explain. If after a few dates a guy was to invite me to his place and say "Elegance, I think you are the most amazing woman and I want us to be exclusive. Will you be my girlfriend?" I would be SO HAPPY. This is what I want and this is what I am looking for. Instead I get "let's do it, it's no big deal, you will like it" with no promise or even a discussion of a relationship. In fact I have even gotten "let's do it but I'm still dating other women". I am not happy whatsoever when I am told those things. I feel incredibly disappointed because it is not what I want or what I am looking for. But sometimes I went along with it in the hopes that after a while I would get what I wanted, to be someone's girlfriend. Unfortunately, like many women's experiences, this rarely happened and instead I ended up doing something I didn't even want to do, did not really enjoy or remember, and I never ended up getting what I wanted.

So for me, all the talk about how great sex was and how enjoyable casual sex can be was ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE for me. It was like propaganda saying casual sex was so great when it really wasn't. These pro casual sex messages made it seem as though being a girlfriend was equal to having causal sex in terms of enjoyment, pleasure, and feeling good about myself. To me they are not equivalent! I would rather have numerous boyfriends with minimal sex rather than numerous sexual experiences with minimal boyfriends. But the latter is being promoted by certain modern women as being equally satisfying. It may be to some, but I don't think that most women want this. By fighting to have causal sex be acceptable for women, women who don't enjoy or want casual sex are made to feel like prudes, like they are missing something, and something is wrong with them. Because of this, after a few dates these women consent to have sex (when they don't really want to) without the man having to make any commitment.

They have been convinced that this is the modern way of doing things and it is okay if you end up with 100 sexual partners in a lifetime. The problem with this is that most men are turned off by women who have so many sexual partners! Each time they have casual sex not only are they putting themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancies and diseases, but they are also making themselves less attractive to men who are actually interested in committing to them and these are the men they actually want! So by caving to the pro casual sex messages these women are reducing their chances of having the relationships they actually want. And it's other women who are exerting the pressure, especially feminists! Of course men do this in private because they want to have sex whenever they want but women, especially feminists, are practically doing media campaigns promoting this! Although SlutWalk was promoted as marching to protect victims to sexual assault from being blamed, to many people it appeared as though they were encouraging the acceptance of the term "slut" and behaviour associated with sluts. Being a slut is being pushed towards being the new normal for women and shows like Sex and the City contributed to this normalization.

Point #1 women have actually contributed to their objectification and being thought of as sexual objects who are open to casual sex by fighting against slut shaming. If being a slut is seen as normal then those who want to be abstinent will be seen as abnormal and passed over for easier sex. If most women give up sex easily then other women will feel pressure to have sex so that they are not passed over. The price of sex is lowered. In the past, sex required a man to pay for dates and be monogamous, now some men don't even pay for one date and they can get sex. I think I read about this on Hooking up Smart. The message of not caving to peer pressure has been replaced with a message that it is okay to have sex with anyone you want, whenever you want and relationships and sex are two different things. It's fine to have sex with multiple partners without having a personal connection or relationship and if you have a problem with this you are repressed and not accepting of you true sexual nature. In fact, there are even women proposing that is it unnatural for people to be monogamous so there is no need for marriage or relationships at all! These are some of the women behind the anti slut shaming rhetoric.

Now playing hard to get and waiting for commitment before sex is seen as unusual, strange, old fashioned, and abnormal among some people. As you can see in the second video, stating that you think the slut lifestyle is undesirable, gross, or dangerous can also be equated with blaming women for rape!!! Seriously! In the first video the woman said that she did not understand why women wanted to sleep with so many partners and that it was possibly dangerous to go home with strangers and in the second video this was interpreted as the woman blaming women for being raped! The story of the rape was horrible and sad but I do not think it is fair to link the two. I also don't agree AT ALL with women being encouraged to trust that no one will ever take advantage of them so they should throw all caution and commonsense to the wind.

Women must do whatever they can to protect themselves. Let me use an example (maybe a poor one that will get me crucified). Suppose you baked a delicious cake for your friends to eat at a public bar. You decide to leave the cake on the bar while you go call your friends. When you come back people have eaten the cake. Yes, people took a cake that was not theirs because they wanted it (not everyone did) and they did not think they would get in trouble for it. You are partially to blame because you trusted people not to eat your cake and you did not take precautions to protect it even though YOU KNOW people will be tempted to eat it. YOU KNOW people will try to eat food left out in a public place but you still DECIDED to leave it unguarded and risk having someone eat it (now if they bashed you over the head and grabbed it out of your hand you would not be to blame because that is not normal behaviour). You are all to blame but it is you who wasted your time making it, will feel taken advantage of, and your friends will all be disappointed while all the thieves are perfectly happy and blaming you for leaving it there. Now you can place your head in the sand and believe that all strangers are honorable and there to protect your interests or you can face reality that they will 98% of the time place their interests above yours. YOU have to protect yourself and your interests and stop expecting strangers to do it for you. A drunk driver is never seen as a victim because something bad happened after they got behind the wheel. When you are intoxicated you are impaired and bad things can happen so don't get intoxicated in situations where bad things can happen.

My Point #2 is, thieves/rapists are WRONG and ENTIRELY RESPONSIBLE for their crimes but you have to protect yourself from these people as best you can. RAPE VICTIMS ARE NOT SLUTS! However, people are suspicious of those who do not make efforts to protect themselves because it doesn't make sense to them that you would be so trusting. So as a result they may not believe you when you say you are a victim. I can't do anything about that other than trying to not be a victim. We all know that there are dangerous people out there and we have to protect ourselves from them because we are the ones who will suffer after they hurt us.

UPDATE: I just had to add this VIDEO. This is what anti slut shaming women think. This is a feminist. These are the women your daughters may be listening to. Do you like what you hear? I find it horrifying! This is a WOMAN telling other woman what she finds acceptable, I'm sure the boys love her. Also, PLEASE watch this VIDEO, it's long but very worth it. It's by a Black woman who thinks exactly the way I do about the issue :)

UPDATE #2: Apparently Jenna and her boyfriend have broken up and now her video is making sense. I'm guessing that he cheated with some promiscuous woman and that was the cause of the breakup. So naturally, after being hurt by "a slut" Jenna made a video about how she doesn't understand similar women. Some people actually guessed that this was what happened because her video was different from the one's she usually makes. It is notable though that many of the women doing videos in support of promiscuity said that sleeping with other women's boyfriends was NOT OKAY and this may be what actually happened. Therefore these women should understand Jenna's anger at a woman who ruined her relationship. On the other hand, maybe due to the breakup Jenna does not like the prospect of being single and having casual sex so she wanted to understand why other women seem to like it.

So now that these vloggers and bloggers know what happened will they have any empathy for Jenna and understand why she did the video? Is a woman allowed to slut-shame the home wrecker who ruined her relationship or does she have to support that woman's right to do whatever feels good?  This is the reason why people don't like sluts, because many of them sleep with taken men and if they were not around fewer men would be able to cheat. Of course the boyfriend is the more guilty one because he was in a relationship but the promiscuous woman was aiding and abetting his crime. Also she not allowed to look at someone else's lifestyle and, due to freedom of speech, say that she doesn't understand it and finds it disgusting and stupid? She has the right to her opinion and there are many sexual things people do that I think are disgusting and I have the right to say it. People are free to think whatever they want, but of course if they say something they may face negative consequences. Jenna has now learned this. But those who promote promiscuity have to deal with the consequences of their actions and what they say too!

Feminist Frequency Commentary on Advertising

Recently I've watched many videos on a YouTube channel called Feminist Frequency that comments on pop culture from a feminist perspective. I think that I'll be doing future posts commenting on these videos because I definitely have a different point of view! The reason why I think it's important for me to view and read things like this is so that I can identify the messages I have been given from other women, whether they are fair, whether they make sense, and whether thinking the way the messengers do would be helpful or harmful to me. This post will focus on the vlogger's commentary on sexism in advertising. Many women would agree with her assessments and views but I disagree with most of them mainly because I think that she is holding men to an unreasonably high standard for behaviour that women don't necessarily follow and because I'm not sure if the advertisements are actually harmful (i.e., is art imitating life or is life imitating art). Also, I think that many women are coming off as angry, I used to be angry about things feminists said I should be angry about, but now I feel fine so I want to understand that too.


Video #1: I didn't see things the way the vlogger did in this video. She views the actions of the men with the puppies as being "manipulative" and yes they were lying about owning the puppies. So, a man comes along with a puppy, lies and says it's his, and women get to play with them...how is this harming women? Just because a woman plays with his dog doesn't mean he'll get a date but he might just get a conversation while she plays with his dog. Did you notice that the men were not much to look at? So what is a less attractive man to do but try to find some common interest or something (e.g., clothing, a car, a dog etc.) to possibly attract a woman? Who knows if the men are just looking for sex or for actual relationships. They won't get relationships if they start off with a lie though. So in actuality, these men are so unattractive or socially inept that they have to rent dogs just to talk to women and that is really sad and pathetic! So it's the men who you should feel sorry for in the commercial (similar to the Mike's Hard Lemonade commercial in video #2)! I can also imagine that it is hard for men to be rejected so often and women should empathize with that (especially if you have had the guts to start a conversation with a guy who ends up not being interested...it can really be a blow to your self-esteem and can make you question your attractiveness and lovability). Some men would even say that women who wear make-up, body shapers, bras, and lingerie are being manipulative especially if they look very different once these items are removed. Men and women use manipulation! If I can do it then so can men. It makes me think some women may use make-up, clothes, and lingerie because they don't think they will be accepted just the way they are. Maybe men use pick up lines, bragging about money, or tricks like the men in the commercials because they don't think they will be accepted as they are either.


Video #2: This video shows a man lying to his wife about why he was staring at some attractive young women. He lies and says they could be babysitters for their child and the woman believes him. The vlogger says the woman is naive and the man is a liar. Well, I see it as him doing something natural and then lying to spare his wife's feelings and avoid an argument. In another commercial a man ripped a sweater his wife gave him rather than tell her he didn't like it. The vlogger suggested the man just say how he felt but it is difficult for some men and women to express their emotions. Maybe he wanted to avoid a fight and doesn't want to hurt her feeling by saying "You have horrible taste and I hate your gift". It also bothered the vlogger that a man lied to his wife about why he wanted to spend time with his friend but shouldn't he be allowed to spend time with his friends sometimes anyway? Come on people, even women lie about things! Well I guess unless you are one of those women who tell your partner everything but I think sometimes women lie about men flirting with them (and flirting back), dancing with other men, looking at other men, whether their partner is attractive (including the size of what's in his pants), whether he is good in bed (e.g., faking orgasms), whether he is successful, how many partners she has had and the list goes on. If women lie then so can men. Do we really want them to tell us the truth about everything? Isn't it more important that they are faithful, supportive, loving, and honest when it actually matters?


Another issue is a feminist idea that I just don't understand and that's the whole argument about "objectification" (i.e., seeing women as attractive objects for sexual pleasure). Their argument is that men should like women (complete strangers) for who they are as whole individuals not just because of their looks. I'm trying to wrap my head around why men are expected not to look, feel attraction for, or be aroused by women who are very attractive who they don't know (or even those they do know). Why should they feel ashamed of that? If a painting or sculpture is beautiful don't you want to look at it closely? If a woman is beautiful men will try to look at her closely too, some are more discreet, but they surely notice. I suppose this objectification thing bothers me because I do it to men! When I see an attractive man I definitely look at him and in a social even I may try to stand near him so he will notice me and try to talk to me. I also admit that when I see attractive men in advertisements I stare at them! There are also countless films and television shows that I have watched ONLY because they included attractive men! That's the main reason why I want to see The Avengers (I like special effects and superheroes too). It helps if the characters are also great guys but I have also ogled many villains and horrible characters too because they are fictional and I don't know the real actors personally!

Furthermore, how is someone supposed to become attracted to the entirety of a person in a two-dimensional print ad or 30 second commercial? You can only ever have superficial attraction to someone in advertising! I do agree that there is too much sex in advertising though but part of the feminist argument is that many ads only show part of a woman (e.g., chest, legs, behind, body without a face) and the complaint is that it reduces a woman to parts or "a thing" instead of a complete human being. The argument is that when people are objectified it is easier for others to treat them like things for their pleasure or desires instead of independent and valuable human beings. This is what I'm not sure of...would men be less likely to think of women as things if there were no advertisements? Aren't there men who would do that anyway if they were not interested in a relationship and only wanted sex or to look at someone attractive? I mean haven't men always been attracted to female bodies? Aren't women who have casual sex doing the same thing? I thought some feminists were okay with women enjoying sex with multiple partners without always looking for a relationship or marriage? I think some parts of certain women are very attractive and I think some parts of certain men are very attractive too; sometimes the parts actually look better on their own if the other body parts are unattractive (e.g., great abs but unattractive face, or cute face but flabby body, some parts of all of us are nicer than others because no one is perfect).

Feminism is really confusing sometimes! In Video #3 the vlogger defines sexualization as something that "turns people into objects and teaches women that their only value comes from their sexual appeal" and sexuality as "the capacity to have and express sexual desires and emotions". I don't understand the difference. If a man is sexually attracted to an 18 year old woman why is he not allowed to admit that? If men find the adult women in Glee to be sexually attractive why should they be ashamed of that? Some feminists encourage women to not be ashamed of their sexuality but the women of Glee are not allowed to appear in a sexual manner just because their TV show is supposed to be about teenagers? Their photos were also in a men's magazine so I don't understand the fuss. Hey ladies, you are not allowed to wear pigtails, knee socks, or eat lollipops now because that is infantalizing you and creating pedophiles...(groan). Are they saying that if an adult actor plays a teenager on television then in real life they must be treated like teenagers too? How do they know this confuses men at all? How do they know that without the photos men were not fantasizing about them anyway? How can the same group argue for women's rights to go topless, wear skimpy clothes, and have as much casual sex as they want and then complain about women choosing to look sexy in a men's magazine? I guess as long as it's not in print then it's okay?

Well that's all I have to say for now. I guess my opinion is that if we want equality then men and women can be attracted to the opposite sex for whatever reason they want. If someone is attractive we should not feel ashamed for looking at them as long as it is not making them feel uncomfortable and looking is not the same as touching. It is wrong to pretend to be someone you are not because then the other person is engaging in the relationship under false pretenses. But we all try to present ourselves in the best light and try to make ourselves attractive in some way which can be thought of as manipulative (some do it more than others). Sometimes there is no relationship sought at all and if women want to just have sex or to look at someone attractive then men should not be shamed for doing the same thing. I also want to note the negative language the vlogger uses to describe some of the men (e.g., scumbag, jerk) and that even though the men come off as pathetic and should be the one's upset by many of these commercials, she has so much disdain for the men and no empathy at all.

Life Choices and The Decision to Change

What is the fastest, easiest, least expensive, most effective, and most personally beneficial way to combat a negative stereotype?

1. Create an educational campaign to dispel the stereotype using science, statistics, creative art, and personal anecdotes?
2. Explain the historical and contemporary reasons for why the stereotype exists?
3. Shame the believers of the stereotype by calling them racist, sexist, stupid, small-minded etc?
4. Purposely embrace and promote the stereotype so that it possibly transforms into a positive and desirable attribute?
5. Immediately stop behaving or looking like the stereotype and telling friends and family to do the same?

I believe the answer is 5. There are many recent examples of activism that focuses on anything but 5. For example:

1. Create an educational campaign to dispel the stereotype using science, statistics, and personal anecdotes. This is expensive, time consuming, slow, but necessary for long-term change. This includes conducting university research, public surveys, creating educational courses, writing books and making films and television shows about exceptions. For example efforts to create better, self-produced Black media with positive images, Black female admiration blogs, women's television channels, women's studies.
2. Explain the historical and contemporary reasons why the stereotype exists. This is time consuming, speculative, only beneficial if it is a springboard for change, redundant.  It is necessary because sometimes awareness is needed before people realize there is a problem and decide to fix it. Examples include constantly explaining the effects of slavery, patriarchy, the War on Drugs, pornography, poverty, feminism etc. 
3. Shame and defame the believers of the stereotype by calling them racist, sexist, stupid, small-minded etc. Time consuming, angers the person into accepting the stereotype more out of spite, shames others into hiding their beliefs to avoid scrutiny, makes people look cruel which garners sympathy for the believer. For example launching personal and overblown attacks on anyone who says something racist, sexist, ignorant or insensitive. This is happens in politics all the time or any time a celebrity says something ignorant and has to go on an apology tour.
4. Purposely embrace and promote the stereotype so that it possibly transforms into a positive, desirable, or neutral attribute or raises awareness of a problem. This is the most ineffective and potentially dangerous method! This encourages people to keep doing things that could potentially harm them or hold them back in life despite people CLEARLY and REPEATEDLY telling them that they hold these automatic beliefs (beyond their conscious control). Examples include taking back the n-word, Slut Walks, rejecting well known social conventions and standards (e.g., praising the rejection of advanced education, marriage, dual parent homes, social climbing, manners), and anything promoting the acceptance of the hip hop industry. The success of this method depends on other people changing their automatic beliefs (virtually IMPOSSIBLE) and preferences that have protective value to them.
5. Immediately stop behaving or looking like the stereotype and telling friends and family to do the same. This is the easiest because it can start immediately, only requires individual commitment, does not require trying to change others you have no control over, and it is most likely to immediately protect people from the ill effects of the stereotype by becoming an exception to the rule. It involves purposefully trying to act and look like the opposite of the stereotype. This is beneficial because it involves accepting social conventions and standards that will help you succeed among people who also hold those standards (e.g, employers, schools, socially accepted people). Some refuse to entertain this method because to them that would be conforming, letting the stereotype holders win, or hiding their individuality or natural qualities. As with all choices it can be taken to the extreme and result in harmful behaviours in an attempt to meet social standards (e.g., skin bleaching, starvation diets, self-hatred). This method is taken by many BWE blogs; pick up artist sites/programs; campaigns and programs promoting education, health, weight loss, fitness, financial savvy, and marriage; public service announcements; the self-help and self-improvement industry including media involving beauty and dating advice. They all encourage people to be "normal", "average", or "above average" and refusing to be "deviant" which is not the same as being different, creative, or unique.

I predominantly use method 5 in my life and on this blog because I believe conforming to the standards of successful and socially accepted people is the most likely way to become successful and socially accepted. To be a winner you have to do what winners do and not follow those who are deemed unsuccessful and undesirable according to society (Western society in my case). I use method 1 to inspire myself and feel hopeful and method 2 to understand my beliefs so that I can make changes or fight their effects. I try to refrain from using method 3 as much as possible. I don't use method 4 at all and it is basically suicide in my opinion but for some reason this method is very popular with activists and seems the most logical to some dangerous people! It's all about choices and the probability that they will be successful and bring you happiness. I don't gamble and therefore I focus my efforts on methods that have the highest probably of being successful with the minimal amount of effort. I strive to be normal or above average.

The Feminist Law

I think women tend to take for granted (okay, I take for granted) the ways that "feminist laws"  have been created that protect my interests and my quality of life. I'm not talking about laws regarding sex/gender discrimination, rape, stalking, marriage, children etc. that are written in books and enforced by the police or lawyers. I'm talking about the laws that women and men have been indoctrinated to follow and enforce themselves.

I have taken many classes where there were only one or two men in a room full of women. If one of those men said something sexist or something that ignored the contributions of women they were swiftly corrected by the feminist police in the room (including the professor). They were enforcing the feminist law that sexism is "illegal" and efforts must be made to include their contributions in discussions or publications about science, art, technology and almost everything else. This law is written in codes of ethics, workplace policies, and school codes of conduct. It is also displayed in films, television, and advertising so that we are socialized to know these laws (there is plenty of sexism but also many messages that sexism is wrong. Sexist advertising is criticized and boycotted not anti-sexism messages right?). In many cases failing to uphold these laws would not be criminal offenses. But any violations could lead to private or public criticism and shaming, possibly the loss of a job, or suspension or expulsion from schools. There was a time when these feminist laws did not exist! These laws are pervasive and now anyone who wants to get along well at school, the workplace, or with any woman has to know and follow these laws or risk being shamed or punished.

So not only are there unspoken rules that a man can't hit a girl and women must be protected, there are these new rules that women must be included and sexism is wrong. Feminists are responsible for the new rules! A professor can not stand in front of a class and state "Some female scientists have contributed to this research, but we all know their findings must be invalid, so let's ignore that" but now men know better and would expect to have complaints filed about that (which could actually lead to a reprimand). Any man who says publicly (or to his wife) "women belong in the kitchen" risks being shamed by women, some men, and his wife for being sexist. This did not happen in the past. The "law" is on women's side.

These feminist laws fall under the spectrum of political correctness (PC) and some people just hate being PC but they do it to avoid the criticism, shaming, and possible negative consequences that could come from not following these laws. Prior to the PC "laws" people could be as sexist or racist as they wanted. Women and racial minorities were totally unprotected but now we can have the expectation (there are exceptions of course) that most people will follow these laws, feel ashamed if they are caught violating these laws, or someone will come to their defense if these laws are violated. Due to these laws the most privileged members of society, White men, feel like they are not free to do or say whatever they want anymore. They feel like they are being are the ones being racially profiled, followed around by the feminist police, and being unfairly arrested, judged, and punished. Of course this is a new thing for them and while some understand that these laws protect those who were totally unprotected in the past, other men are furious about it. These are the men who claim being sexist or racist is part of their freedom of speech and rebuke any laws enforced to stop hate speech. They claim that being PC makes things boring, unfunny, and too serious. They want to be able to call anyone the n-word or any woman a b**** with impunity. I'm glad that they can't do that anymore without the feminist and racial police knocking down their doors.

So once again, although I disagree with some of the things feminists do and say today, I am glad that these feminist PC laws exist. They make my life easier. I feel protected. I have taken this for granted and many of us probably have. One might point out that the feminist law is not applied equally to all women and that the feminist police consistently ignore "PC crimes" or real crimes against Black women. I agree this is definitely the case. That is the reason why women like myself are unwilling to call ourselves feminists. Why take on the burden of that label when the group doesn't even help us? Now let me ask you this, if feminists suddenly started fighting just as hard for transgressions against Black women as they do for those against White women would you change your mind about them? Would you be more likely to support their cause? If the answer is "yes" then what you are saying is that you actually believe in their cause, but you are boycotting them until they give you service! I totally understand the "don't buy where you can't work" mentality and I constantly (even without realizing it sometimes) boycott groups, stores, organizations, and even people who don't include Black women or Black people (I am actually suspicious and less likely to want to be friends with a person who doesn't have any racial minority friends...I just realized I do that!!! I also do that when I date interracially. I may still give them a chance but I am less confident that our relationship will work out because I suspect they are closet racists. Wow!).

So, we (that includes me) must not confuse disliking a group because we disagree with their goals and actually agreeing with their goals but boycotting them until those goals include helping you. I'm still boycotting them but I love the laws they have created. I benefit from them. If you are a Black women who goes to a predominantly White school or works in a predominantly White company/organization/institution then you benefit from the feminist laws enforced by the feminist police. We can't deny that privilege and expect others to recognize theirs. Of course if you don't live in those situations and are never protected by feminist laws then I don't blame you for being mad as hell!

Also in regards to the Men's Rights Movement, I agree with some of their points that it is unfair to pay for a child that isn't yours and that a child should go to the most stable and capable caregiver. But I am boycotting them because of the other messages they endorse that could cause me harm (and have already harmed me mentally by reading them). I will only listen to those arguments when they come from men not affiliated with that group. I don't agree with the 'look past the fact that I'm punching you in the face and just listen to what I am saying' defense. If you hurt me I no longer hear you. If you don't follow the PC laws you go straight to jail and don't collect $200 :)

The Feminist Police

I think in many ways feminists are like the police. Many people dislike both groups. Both groups sometimes abuse their power and are criticized for being too extreme. Sometimes they are called unnecessarily and cause situations to escalate. Sometimes they unfairly pick on particular groups. Or, they continually ignore the plight of some groups because of racism (e.g., Black women and Black people) who should be supported yet expect members from this group to have positive views of them. When members of both groups make mistakes or commit offenses they may deny or try to hide them.  As soon as you tell people you are in either group some will  be pleased but others will judge you negatively and be suspicious. You will be blamed for any of the extreme things other members of your group have said or done. But let me tell you about how I felt yesterday.

Watching videos and reading blogs of men in the Men's Rights Movement has been scary, difficult, disappointing, and numbing. If you asked me last week I could have never imagined any man could say some of the things I read and that those statements were actually be supported. A website called Man Boobz is a blog that creates awareness about the insanely barbaric things members of this group have posted online. I never thought I'd read comments from men ridiculing women who commented about being raped. In one sickening instance one actually taunted her about enjoying the rape and threatened to do it again. Their group is a concerted and malicious effort to disrupt any female group, organization, or website ONLY because they hate women. For whatever reason, this group hates women and even posts images of battered or injured women to laugh at! Any sane person can tell that some of these men are mentally ill or sexual predators. But I think some of them don't even realize this and think that what they are saying is fair, justified, edgy humor, or harmless fun. Fortunately there are other groups of men like those at The Good Men Project who see things in a balanced and non-hostile manner.

After reading posts by the Men's Rights Movement I thought to myself 'I can't wait for the feminists to get rid of these guys' and I wondered what they were doing to shut them down. I thought that someone should alert the feminists so they would do something about it. There it is. Just like the police, I might criticize them but when I'm worried about being harmed they are the first people I want to call! They have the power and law behind them to protect people without power. They have an organized system in place for this and people who have dedicated their lives to this duty. That is why they are both important and I would feel less safe if they were to disappear. So although I criticize extreme feminism or certain feminist ideas I still respect them, I understand they are important for everyone, and I am truly glad they are here. It must be a hard job and I'm glad they do it because I don't think I could handle so much pressure and responsibility.

I Do Not Support Misogynist Men!!!

Well, I have just been scared and shaken to the core! I was watching YouTube videos about women who don't agree with feminism. Then I came across some videos about the men's rights movement and one called The Effects of Emasculation Part 1 and Part II. These men are TERRIFYING! Don't be fooled into thinking that these are just nice traditional guys who feel victimized by feminism. These are not men looking for equal rights. No, these are the same types of men who do those hate videos about Black women that I wrote about in my post Black Women Bashers are Pathetic Excuses for Men! They use the same vocabulary and call any man who believes in chivalry, protecting women, or respecting woman a "mangina" so be wary of any man who uses that term. They post positive comments on the videos of any woman who criticizes feminism or women but they have the utmost contempt for all women.

Not only are the videos totally disrespectful of women by using derogatory terms to describe them but this video actually blames women for rape! It showed ads against rape as though they made men the victims instead of clearly seeing them as public service announcements about rape being wrong. Not only that, they showed women protesting rape and then women with low cut tops as though they were asking for it! No one should ever hit anyone because it's assault. But let's be honest, a large man can do way more damage to a woman with a punch than she can (a kid can punch me but it won't hurt me as much as I could hurt him/her). So in instances where a woman hit a man and he started hitting her back, other men jumped in, broke them up, and started hitting the man. Some men said after that it was "wrong to hit a woman" and the maker of the video called these men manginas. What this means is that any woman who hits a man now should not expect that he won't hit her back severely and uncontrollably. Some men might not even step in to stop it but I don't think it has gotten that bad yet. In my opinion, I think these men would hit a woman just because they are angry and they probably wouldn't need to be hit first. This is the attitude that some men have now that if we are equal then they can hit us just as they would a man. It's too bad they can't just see hitting a man or woman a wrong instead of espousing equal opportunity violence.

If you really want to be scared just read the comments! In the comments men openly wrote about wanting to "punch women in the teeth", beat them, and sodomize them out of anger! Comment after comment from different men were advocating for these things. They talk about how they want to take things back and get revenge on women! No, these are not men looking for equality, they want full patriarchy and power over women and endorse every sexist thing you can imagine. I don't even think the posters of the videos are Black men so this could include men of various races. This is my worst nightmare about the feminist movement that I wrote about in my post The Benefits and Drawbacks of Feminism. Of course men commented that they would never pay for dates but some of them were actually advocating for just using women for sex as some sort of lifestyle choice. What scares me is a woman would have no idea who these men are or if they are dating one. How prevalent is this thinking? So far the men I have dated in Canada haven't been like this and I hope none of you end up in a relationship with one of these guys! The crazy thing is that Black trolls from this group always harass Black women who post YouTube videos and some of them have asked for support of their men's rights movement! You can read all about their tricks and how to identify them HERE. I won't call myself a feminist but I definitely do not support this!!!

The Benefits and Drawbacks of Feminism

I'll start off by saying the equal rights for women is a good thing and I don't want things to go back to a state where women are treated as less than human. Here are the benefits of feminism and equal rights for women:

1. Women can work and support themselves. This allowed women to be independent people instead of just the property of their fathers and husbands. When someone has total power over your food, shelter, clothing, and any other needs they can become abusive. It would be hard for a woman in that situation to ever have her wishes and dreams fulfilled. This has also allowed women to support a family if their husbands died or left them. 
2. Women can achieve what they want and influence others. Women can contribute to society, make important decisions that affect others, contribute to research and technology, write things that are read by millions, express unpopular opinions, employ others, and do many other things they could not do before. They can achieve whatever they think is important and influence society in ways that were not possible in the past. Women can also vote and have a say in what happens to them and their community.
3. Women are protected from men. This is very important. Men are still physically more powerful than women and women are often the victims of abuse, rape, theft, and even murder committed by men. In the past some of these crimes were ignored (especially against Black women). But now the law is on the side of women when a man is the perpetrator. Laws were also created to protect women from discrimination so that sexism has become highly unpopular and punishable. 
4. Women are considered to be important. We were no longer seen as property and our issues became important. We became individuals with inherent importance instead of just pretty dolls who should be seen and not heard. There was more to us than just being a wife and mother and those roles were no less important than a man's roles. The achievements and contributions of women are now recognized when they were ignored and ridiculed in the past. 

But I think there are some negative consequences of feminism too. I'll start off with posting a video.

This video really made me think. Are women really treated worse than men? 

1. Men have rejected chivalry. Men (and maybe some women) have confused having equal rights with being treated exactly the same in every area of life. Being paid the same and being seen as equally human is not the same as treating a woman exactly like a man. But because of feminism some men reason that because they don't open doors for men or pay for their dinner they don't have to do that for a woman. They ignore the fact that they are trying to win the woman over so they have to be nicer! They no longer want to be the pursuer.
2. Men don't want to get married. Some men will even encourage women to have children and raise them alone because women are "so strong" and can earn their own money. They don't feel the need to be a husband because they will not have complete control over their wives. They would prefer it if marriage made a woman their property. Some men don't even want to be the main breadwinner anymore and have lost the drive to be successful. Some are fine with mooching off a woman and aspire to be house husbands. 
3. Men don't feel the need to protect women. In the past (an still today to an extent) women were regarded as being weak, fragile, and in need of protection, somewhat like children. Women did not want to be compared to children. But we had a good thing going! Men would risk their lives for us, we were protected from harm, and men would let us get into lifeboats if a ship sank. This did not happen on that Italian cruise ship where the men pushed women aside and saved themselves. Men were more willing to get hurt and die for us when they considered us to be inferior to them. They liked us being dependent on them! Who would have expected that? I have even heard men online say they would punch a woman now because we are equal to men! 
4. Everyone thinks masculine things are superior to feminine things. In the past men thought women's interests and responsibilities were unimportant, but women valued these things. Now, many women also consider traditionally feminine things to be inferior. They are rejecting useful things like cooking, sewing, and raising children and want to play football, race cars, and get tattoos. Women have taken up the stupid things that men like and look down on women who embrace the traditional. 

The points above make me reluctant to call myself a feminist because I know that there are some feminists who will read my list of drawbacks and actually call them benefits! These women reject any chivalrous act by a man, they never want to marry (and tell other women not to marry), they refuse protection from men, and reject everything feminine. They ruin things for women like me and confuse men who prefer women like me. 

So in my opinion, the feminists have won and they need to relax a little. Right now we have our cake and we can eat it too because we are regarded as equals yet somehow special and in need of protection. We can get the same jobs as men and employers have to change workplaces to accommodate us. The law punishes men for hurting us more severely than they do for hurting other men and we get less punishment for the same actions. The feminists have won! There are small battles that need to be fought and institutionalized sexism (just like racism), but things are not as dire as they were in the past. If they keep pushing then the drawbacks will become even more prevalent. I think it would be great if racism did not exist one day, but do I really want to see the day when women are treated exactly the same as men? I'd have to say no. 

The F-Word: Who Wants to be a Feminist?

Last night I happened to see a CBC documentary called "The F-Word: Who Wants to be a Feminist?" (visit the link to watch the documentary or read about it). This came at the right time because I have been thinking a lot about whether I am a feminist or not, whether some of the things I'm doing are sexist or anti-feminist, and whether I really know what feminism is. The documentary explores the reason why so many women today don't call themselves feminists and the history of the movement. The film explains that women make up over half of the workforce and university students, but they still earn less than men and hold few high power positions (e.g., in business and politics). It was quite informative for me.

I prefer calling myself a humanist and saying that I believe in inalienable human rights including the rights of women (a good way to avoid being criticized by men). I am anti-sexist. One reason why I don't want to call myself a feminist is because I have never actually read a feminist book by one of the famous authors and I have never taken a course. So I don't not want to claim I believe something I really don't know much about. Young North American women today have grown up in world with a lot of anti-sexist rules already in place. Many young women can tell when something is sexist or when we are being treated differently from men, and we protest when these things happen and we don't have to call ourselves feminists to do so.

I think things online have painted a negative picture of feminism for me but I don't know if these things actually came from feminist writers of if they are misinterpretations by men who are opposed to women's rights. So here are some of the negative things I have heard:

1. Feminism was created by White women and was never intended to include Black women (my belief in this is 9/10). When the women's rights movement began and they wanted the right to vote, they only wanted it for White women. They wanted the right to work outside of the home because they thought that work was beneath them. However they had no problem giving that work to Black women. (You can note that in the documentary there were no Black feminists interviewed). 
2. Black women were excluded from feminist meetings and their rights were not discussed (my belief in this is 9/10). Until recently, many feminists denied that they could actually be racist because they are an oppressed group. They claimed Black women were oppressed only by White and Black men. In response to that Black women created "Womanist" groups to fight for their rights. Today there are some anti-racist feminists who acknowledge that White women can be racist and other ethnic groups need to be included. (Click the LINK to read an article about how feminists have been silent about Michelle Obama)
3. The things that White feminists wanted were not desired by Black women (my belief in this is 4/10). Black women in North America have always had to work because Black people could only get low-paying jobs and needed two incomes. They did not have the option that many White women had to stay home and look after the house and kids. The reason why I don't believe this argument very much is because I think Black women like having the right to vote and work and this keeps us out of poverty and social assistance, they don't want to be discriminated against based on gender, and they don't want men to be able to hurt them with no repercussions. These are things that feminists fought for.
4. Black feminism has destroyed the Black community (my belief in this is 1/10). Nowadays, many Black people are complaining that our kids are not being cared for enough because Black parents are not spending enough time at home with the kids. Some are saying that if Black women did not focus so much on their careers, our children, and by extension our communities, would be better.  I don't believe this because if Black women have always been working something else must be contributing to the problems, because things haven't always been this way. Some say it's because men are not in the home, but if that was the case, children who grow up without fathers in all races would have similar problems but they do not. Many men spend months away from the home or spend little time with the kids, but their kids turn out fine. Remember, in the past it was Black female slaves who spent the most time with wealthy American White children, and those kids maintained their high status. 
5. Acting like stereotypical feminists has caused Black women to lose their femininity (my belief in this is 10/10). Note, that I wrote "acting like stereoptypical feminists" not about thinking or having the same beliefs. I think that women can believe in women's rights without acting like men. The stereotypical feminist rejects feminine clothing, hair, makeup, and traditionally feminine activities and behaviours (i.e., believes that looking  and acting like a female is weak or irrational). She acts like a man and wants to do everything that men do (e.g., arguing, being loud, physically fighting, swearing etc.). This is a stereotype of course, but some Black women are acting according to the stereotype!  For the last 500 years Black women have often been treated like men by society and their femininity was ignored or denied. White women are still held up as the standard for feminine beauty and behaviour even though some of them purposefully act like men. Black women have not been allowed to get away with the same behaviour. I think it is in our best interest to act as feminine as possible, BUT continue to believe in equal rights and fight for them. 
6. Some stereotypical feminists reject everything feminine and believe acting or looking feminine is harmful and irrational (my belief in this is 8/10). Have you noticed online that whenever there is a beauty pageant, advice about hair or makeup, advice about how to get a man, a traditionally feminine fashion shoot, or anything that just looks feminine, you will see comments FROM WOMEN, chastising the writers for being sexist? Last week on a blog (I believe it was The Feminine Woman) I read a post about feminine hobbies and some people commented that the hobbies were sexist and the writer should include some masculine hobbies. They commented that,  it was wrong to suggest that women take up cooking, knitting, flower arranging, jewelry making etc. as hobbies which defies the purpose of a post on feminine hobbies!. I also watched a YouTube video of a woman with natural hair who keeps her hair short because, according to her, trying to grow your hair long and doing so much to maintain it is vain and conforming to eurocentric standards of beauty. A commenter on the video actually said it was dangerous to be so interested in looking good! We are actually being discouraged from looking good and doing traditionally feminine things even though many of these things are enjoyable or useful (e.g., cooking, pampering oneself). I think that Black women need to stop listening to this! If you enjoy being pretty, keep it up! If you want to learn cooking, do it! If you like wearing dresses, don't be ashamed! Acting like men in all ways is not helping Black women and you can be very feminine and still have a job, be intelligent, have many interests, and demand respect and equality.

So these are some of the reasons why I am reluctant to call myself a feminist. I think that women should bring their feminine qualities everywhere and shape the world according to their femininity instead of conforming to masculine settings and hiding their femininity. To me, that would really be standing up for women's rights! Acting like men is actually promoting men's behaviours as ideal and more rational than women's behaviours, and this makes women look inferior! I think men should actually become more refined gentlemen and tone down some of their masculine aggressive behaviours by being kinder, more polite, and more respectiful of everyone's rights.