Why Do I Care So Much About Attracting a Man?

For some women in this world the biggest achievement in their lives will be owning a successful company, getting a specific degree, earning an obscene amount of money, winning a prestigious award, owning a huge house, or being a leader in their given field. These women prioritize money, fame, and power. For me, all of those things are just a means to an end and I want to be successful and wealthy to provide for my family and for future generations of my family. So for me, having a happy and healthy family is the most important goal in my life and all of my other goals were working towards that. I am not one of those women who is unsure if they want to have a husband or children. I have wanted those things since probably the fourth grade. I have no interest whatsoever in living alone or with a female roomate for the rest of my life. I have no interest in going from man to man and always feeling insecure because they could leave me at any moment. I have no interest in doing all this work only to die alone in some care facility with no children. I did not work so hard just for myself, I did it to provide for a future family. Do you know that there are some species that die right after mating or giving birth? That was their whole purpose for living. Yes there are other fulfilling things we can do to enjoy our long lives but we were created to reproduce.

I believe that when you make a child that is the greatest creation and act you will ever achieve in your lifetime. I'm just remembering a part in the movie Prometheus (SPOILER ALERT) (brilliant film) where a male scientist said that any moron could create life so it was no big deal. Then the female scientist reminded him that she was unable to conceive a child. Although so many species and people can create life without even trying many can not or their offspring is unhealthy or do not survive! If they can not procreate then their genetic material dies with them. If they do not have children then they can not pass on their teachings about how to survive and adapt that helped them to become successful, or they will pass them on to other people's children. Other people's children will benefit while the teacher's line dies out. From a genetic standpoint, not passing on your genes is a failure that many can't help and a successful and healthy person not passing on there genes is a waste. There are way too many people with serious adaptation problems and negative traits bringing multiple children into the world who they barely care for. Leaving them to be the only reproducers would not be beneficial to society. I'm sorry, but if I can have my own baby there is no way I would choose to not do so and care for one of those children instead. Those children are not my responsibility and I did not work so hard just to take care of an irresponsible person's offspring. I want my own to raise the best I can. They do not deserve children more than I do.

In order to produce and raise the best children I can, I believe that I have to attract, have a relationship, marry, have children, and raise those children with the best man I can find. I will not have a child with just anyone. I will keep myself healthy and I want someone healthy. I want someone who can provide financially for the child so we can have two incomes. I believe nowadays that is like insurance so that if one of us loses a job, becomes ill, or even dies then the other partner is able to provide. I want someone who has qualities that might make them a good parent so I don't want someone who is abusive, has a criminal past, has substance abuse problems, makes bad decisions, does not commit to anything, does not care for others, and does not take responsibility for things. I want someone intelligent enough to learn how to be a good parent and care for children. I want someone with enough self-respect and fear of shame so that they could never accept being a bad parent or abandoning their child. I want someone with enough emotional intelligence to maintain a marriage and keep a family together. This means I have to choose a man wisely and not just take whoever comes along.

Because of all of these reasons, attracting, choosing, and marrying a man is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life right now and this decision will affect me and my children for the rest of our lives. Jobs can come and go but that man will always be my children's father. If he disappears it could negatively affect my children for the rest of their lives but if I lost my job they may barely even notice or remember what I did for a living. They will adjust to living in a new house if we move, going to a new school, getting a new car...but a new father? I would rather make the choice of husband and father of my children only once and I refuse to accept the casual attitudes some people have today about marriage and bringing children into this world. I am not like those people and anyone who endorses those views has different values and priorities from mine. I may not be able to take much of their advice seriously because it may go against my values. This is the reason for some of my negative views about feminism and "the black community" since they sometimes advocate that marriage is antiquated and women can just have and raise children on their own. I will have children no matter what but I am going to make every effort to make sure they have a father to raise them. I don't care if I can raise a child on my own, I DON'T WANT TO! I don't care if other women do it and their kids turn out okay, I DON'T WANT TO. I don't care if marriage was created by patriarchy to oppress women, I STILL WANT ONE because it still has benefits I WANT TO HAVE.

So if I make some decisions, dress, speak, style my hair, choose my hobbies, go out to events, and improve myself to get a man so what? It is the most important goal in my life! Plus I am acting and dressing in socially approved and respectable ways that can benefit me in other aspects of my life. I made decisions, dressed, and acted in a certain way to achieve my degree (goal accomplished) and I will do the same to get and keep a job (current goal). I will have to do the same to get a man...why would I put in less effort to achieve the more important goal? Other women can go ahead and put their careers first but family is first for me. Women who put their careers first will never understand women like me and I must take their advice with caution because the same advice that brings them happiness could sabotage my goals. Yes, yes, yes things might not go as planned but at least I'm going to try and know I did the best I could!

The Type of EBW I want to be

I've decided to review the type of woman I want to become so that I can check my progress and what I still need to work on. These are things that I want to achieve but of course I'm not expecting to be perfect. If I achieve these things then I will be the best woman I can be and my idea of an EBW. This is an ideal and not necessarily the ideal woman to anyone reading this blog. Anything with a star is something I haven't made enough progress with.

Appearance

• long, healthy, natural hair (my hair is bra-strap BSL length!)
• clear, toasty-brown skin all over* (I need to exfoliate more and always apply lotion or oil)
• healthy body weight and toned body* (want to lose a few pounds but I still look good)
• make-up that accentuates my features
• feminine fashion style (need to start wearing heels more often)
• good posture and feminine movement 
• smiling often (greatly improved)

Attitude and Behaviour

• Staying poised when under pressure
• Maintaining a positive mood and attitude (not too bad, greatly improved)
• Behaving like an EBW in public and private (improved)
• Not engaging in useless arguments online and offline (I have really improved!)
• Being a good friend  and daughter (need to make more friends too, improved as a daughter)
• Being a fun, joyful, nice, pleasant person (greatly improved)
• Toning down the sexiness (not bad)
• Being interesting to talk to (not bad)
• Helping others * (I help my friends with advice but I haven't been volunteering)

Hobbies and Interests

• healthy cooking * (need some good recipes)
• physical fitness and working out
• physical activities (e.g., pool, tennis, volley ball, golf)* 
• reading (need to do more pleasure reading instead of school related reading)
• self-improvement
• dinner parties *
• sewing and knitting *
• sketching and painting * (know how to but need to actually spend time doing)
• blogging (of course)
• dance lessons *
• learn massage * (another trick for my feminine arsenal)
• travel *
• socializing regularly* (the winter really killed my social life)

Romantic Relationships

• Starting a monogamous relationship * (I'm single)
• Getting married * (not even close)
• Having a baby *(again, not even close)

Career

• Graduate (almost there)
• Get a job in my field * (I have to start looking)
• Do the best job I can *

As you can see from this list, I have made a lot of progress on my journey to becoming an EBW! Most of the progress has involved changing the way I look, my attitude, and my behaviour. I am acting and looking very different from the way I was a few years ago. 

I am not worried about the improvements I need to make in my career because these goals will be achieved in the near future. I'm not even worried about them anymore. As you can see, my career goals do not include becoming the best, starting a company, or anything time-consuming like that. I'll be satisfied with the job, a husband, and kids. 

The areas where I need the most improvement are in my interests and romantic relationships. It may be possible that my interests and romantic relationships could actually intersect. I could take up some sports and meet someone in the process. I could go to dinner parties or out dancing and meet someone. I could also take in community events and meet someone. I just have to get out more and socialize and these things will be taken care of. The winter has really put a hold on some of these things, so I can't wait until the weather gets better. Some of the hobbies also require time and money and it was hard to find time and money while I was busy with school. So right now my priorities are doing what is necessary to graduate, finding a job, and going out and socializing. I'll wait until I earn some money before taking on some of the hobbies :)

Black Women Bashers are Pathetic Excuses for Men

I feel torn. I like the idea of being nice and kind but it's so hard to do that when men are posting hateful videos about Black women on YouTube. Go on that site and enter the search term "black women". What you will find are videos by Black men criticizing and insulting Black women and blaming them for all the problems in the Black community. You will also find videos posted by Black men and racists showing Black women acting badly with the explanation that MOST Black women act that way, this is why we are inferior to other women, and this is why they won't date us. I would guess 97% of these videos are by Black men because they tend to be flagged and removed when they are by non-Black racists.

I am not like the women in the videos, but by posting these videos and claiming that most Black women fit those stereotypes, these videos affect me. As a Black woman I feel compelled to stand up and fight to correct these unfair assaults on our image. Most of the time I find it frustrating, but yesterday I actually found it amusing! I was amused because I realized that the men posting and commenting on these videos are really the bottom of the barrel and don't have anything to offer a woman like me. An EBW is a lady, but she is not a doormat! I think sometimes I can be insulting to these men, but if they put these videos up then they are asking for an argument. I think you can tell so much about the men based on the videos and comments and these are my observations:

1. These men are not educated. You can tell they are not because their spelling is atrocious and their grammar is pitiful. They don't even know how to capitalize the first letter of a new sentence! They also resort to swearing and insults instead of focusing on the argument. I also think many of their arguments don't make sense and they are incapable of understanding women's viewpoints. They may be victims of a poor school system, or they may not have applied themselves in school. Either way, I wouldn't want one of them.
2. These men are not successful. These men get offended when successful women say they want a successful man. If they were actually successful then they would not be offended. These men have not achieved much and they want us to ignore that, give them our bodies, and "submit" to them just because they are men!
3. These men are desperate for respect. They have done nothing else in their lives to deserve respect. They are desperately trying to get it based on the fact that they are men which somehow entitles them to respect. They use the Bible to justify that men should be the leaders and women were made for men, they go on and on about the roles of men and women, criticize matriarchy, and rant about feminism. A man who was successful, makes good decisions, and carries himself like a gentleman would not need these arguments because he would be respected automatically! We should respect everyone's basic rights, but the type of respect these men want can only be earned. They have not earned this respect and that hurts their egos.
4. These men can not get the women they want. These men complain that Black women don't want a good man and only want thugs. They claim that they are good men and there are plenty of them around. That tells me that they think they are good catches but the women they want obviously don't and they are rejecting them. In fact, these women are rejecting them harshly with a lot of attitude which has been a blow to the men's egos. The only way they can protect their self-esteem is by criticizing the women instead.
5. The only thing these men offer is sex. These men get upset when Black women on YouTube talk about liking White or Asian men. Frequently, they say Black women are crazy for liking Asian men because Black men are supposed to be better endowed, as if that is the only thing a woman wants. When Black women talk about the positive traits of men they know of other races, Black men ignore everything (e.g., personality, respect, education, career, sensitivity, romance etc.) and focus on sex. They do this because they know they do not have the qualities these other men have so the focus on the one thing they "possibly" have over them. 
6. These men do not hold themselves accountable for their lives. These men blame everyone for their current situation including their mothers, Black women in general, "The Man", racism, and discrimination. Yes, racism and discrimination may have a role, the economy, where one grew up, and  parents do have a role, but what are they going to do about that? They take NO responsibility for the choices they have made. The finger is always pointed elsewhere so they don't see any need to change themselves and spend their time lecturing about women needing to change. Men like this will not improve their circumstances because they do not realize that it is extremely difficult to change other people and it is easier to change yourself.
7. These men's standards are too high. Black women bashers are unrealistic about the women they want. Why would a middle class, successful woman want a poor man who goes from job to job with no security? Why would someone with an education want someone without one? Why would she want someone with a criminal record? According to these men they are attractive and good men (I don't know what criteria they are using) and that should be all a woman should look for. If she wants anything else then she is a snob, a golddigger, or a mammy for "The Man". They ignore the much researched notion that women want security, stability, and someone who can provide her their children. Looking good or being well endowed doesn't ensure any of that. These men complain about women with attitudes who are superficial, with children from different fathers but maybe...those women are on their level and the only ones who would want them! The men can't accept that based on their lack of achievement they can not get better women. They have to face the fact that they need to educate themselves and get better jobs if they want better women.  
8. These men are immersed in hip hop culture. I say this because any time someone blames the hip hop culture for the misogyny, materialism, aggression, and criminality of Black men they take offence and try to justify the music and it's messages. They do not see their misogyny or double standards or any harm the music could cause. They equate being Black with liking hip hop and do not pursue any other cultural genres. These men want to be rappers or ball players no matter how unlikely it is to to become a professional in these areas. They waste their time trying to achieve that dream instead of focusing on school or other creative ideas. I would advise EBWs to stay away for men who areTOO interested in hip hop.
9. These men just hate Black women and nothing will change that. There are some Black men posting videos who have never liked Black women, or they have decided they don't want to date them again. These men are not providing constructive criticism to help Black women so that maybe they can date again. These men just want to spread their hate. Their video are no better that those posted by racists. They do not care about improving the Black community or fostering Black love. These videos should be flagged and removed.

The next time you are on YouTube and you see one of these video, think about this post and who is behind the video. They are not helping the Black community, they are the LEAST capable of doing so, and they don't have anything to offer an EBW.