Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most

Cross posted at Beyond Black & White

Let's see how this one goes over...

Here is a definition of prejudice from an online dictionary:

A (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.  B : an instance of such judgment or opinion. C : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics. (emphasis added)

I think that some Black people can be very prejudiced. I thought that I would highlight the word hostility in that definition because I believe that this hostility is seriously harmful to Black people. I'll go out on a limb and state that people don't like hostile people. When someone acts or looks hostile that spells 'danger' to most people and they want to avoid hostile people. Here is a definition for hostile:

A : of or relating to an enemy <hostile fire>. B : marked by malevolence : having or showing unfriendly feelings <a hostile act>. C : openly opposed or resisting <a hostile critic> <hostile to new ideas>. D (1) : not hospitable <plants growing in a hostile environment> (2) : having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature <a hostile workplace>.

That doesn't sound good does it? You wouldn't want to be friends with someone who appears hostile. In fact you might not want to approach someone who even has a reputation for being hostile. This would not be the type of person you would want to strike up a conversation with, ask for directions, or hire for a job. No one likes hostile sales people or waiters. No one likes hostile teachers or bosses. No one likes to be around someone who is openly unfriendly, opposed, intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive. So, if this is the case then why in the world do some Black people act so hostile? Isn't it in their best interest to not appear hostile so that they can get along in society without being treated like a threatening enemy?

Now I know some people will immediately launch into the usual excuses. For example, "It dates back to slavery. Black people should be angry and hostile because of all the racist things that happened back then and even today". Or, "It's a defense mechanism because many of us live in hostile environments and this keeps others from bothering us". Or, "We aren't hostile, ever since slavery White people have thought of us as hostile and nothing we can do will change that". Or even, "What do you suggest, we should start shuckin' and jivin' so we don't upset the White folks"?  The most common one I hear is, "Well people are hostile to me so I'll be hostile right back. I won't let people walk all over me and do nothing". Well in the words of Dr. Phil, I have to ask, "How's that working for you?" (see I don't even like Dr. Phil but I still learned something from him).

I remember a time a few years ago when I was pretty hostile towards White people. I was reading a lot of African American history and I was really angry. I stopped listening to White music, stopped watching White shows, and I was always talking about racism and injustice. I was also being hostile towards White people and everyone I worked with and went to school with was White! So, what ended up happening? Well other students and coworkers developed stronger friendships. When I needed help with things I usually didn't ask because I feared I would be rejected. I didn't hear about important opportunities because I wasn't hanging out with the other students/coworkers. People thought I was aloof and didn't care. I was the angry Black woman always talking about racism, activism, how she didn't fit in, and how she was different. Surprised??? Fortunately I came to my senses and realized I was angry about things that had not happened to me personally and I was taking it out on people who had done nothing to harm me. I was being hostile to people who I needed and I was lonely because I saw the people around me as enemies instead of allies. Thank goodness I wasn't too horrible and this behavior did not harm my career! I think that things would have been much better though if I had had people looking out for me and if I had their support along the way. The hostility I had did nothing but keep me in a negative mood, keep me from making friends and having fun, and keep me from making important career connections. It was not beneficial to me AT ALL. It wasn't working for me so I stopped. I hope you can stop too.

The actual reason why I wrote this post is because the hostility I see in Black women towards non-Black women is really making us look bad! It comes off as jealousy, petty bitterness, or just meanness and unnecessary hostility. For example, a post was done about lessons we can learn from Elin Nordegren (Tiger Wood's ex). The post said she was a European beauty and made a point to show a beautiful Black woman as well. But one comment stood out to me. The gist of the comment was, "She's not all that, she just looks like a plain White woman" (it reminds me of this previous post). I just wonder why do some women/people feel the need to be negative and hostile like that. Why bother to say that at all? It just sounds like you feel obligated to bring the other person down. I've noticed this a lot and it bothers me. When someone says something positive about a non-Black person, some Black people just go out of their way to say something negative and dismissive.

Unfortunately, this inter-racial hostility is even applied intra-racially. For instance, people love to comment on how bad it is to be dark-skin shamed or fat-shamed but being prejudiced and hostile towards light-skinned and skinny women is condoned. One of the excuses is that light-skinned women get White privilege because their skin color is closer to White. The hostility I see towards light-skinned women is just horrible! The same thing goes for skinny women, they are ridiculed for having a body shape that is attractive according to Eurocentric standards (or Hollywood standards). Don't even get me started with the strange phenomenon of Black people complaining that every highly attractive Black woman has "White features" and doesn't represent "real Black beauty", so Black people should reject her (e.g., Beyonce). It's as though because light-skinned, allegedly Eurocentric looking, and skinny women are lauded in the mainstream media and by White people then it's the duty of Black people to be hostile towards them to even things out! In my opinion, the hostility doesn't even things out at all, it just makes the hostile people look even worse because they are picking on people who are well liked. It totally backfires.

Let me put it this way, think back to childhood about the most beautiful and popular girl at school. Now was it better for your status to be a friend to that girl or her enemy? Was it beneficial to be mean to that girl or would it backfire when people came to her defense and rejected you for hurting their darling? No, it was always better to be in her friend, learn her methods for getting people to like her, and to be in her circle of the best people at school and benefit from the association. By just associating with or enhancing your similarities with the most popular, attractive, influential people you become that by association. By being hostile to those people you just make yourself look bad and ruin any chance that they will help you to achieve your desired status or goals. Black people do accept some non-Black people who they think are "down" and have earned their "Black card". Well they earned that by being open and accepting of Black people. How do you expect non-Black people to be open and accepting of you if you are so consistently hostile towards them?

So the point I am trying to make is that it's not in Black women's (or Black men's) benefit to be seen as hostile, difficult, angry, or mean. We won't be seen as the "nice girls" (or guys). We will seem like bullies that no one wants to support, help, or protect.  Instead, we should be open to learning from other people, regardless or race, if they have achieved what we desire. We might actually have common interests and that is the basis of many friendships. Instead of automatically acting hostile and rejecting non-Black people we have to be more open to learning and making useful relationships. These people can help you to improve your life (even by just observing them). Now this doesn't mean you have to put all of your trust into them, tell them all your secrets, worship them, let them mistreat you, or be their mammy! I'm not saying  let these women be mean to you and just grin and bear it so you don't end up on their bad side. I'm ONLY saying, don't be prejudiced and hostile to people just because they aren't Black. I'm also saying don't be prejudiced and hostile to Black or biracial people just because they don't look "as Black" as you think they should. Your life will probably take a turn for the better if you are more open to new experiences and new people!

Warning: Just as a Black person can end up being a bad influence, jealous, a backstabber, a frenemy, or someone who betrays your trust and hurts you, the same thing can happen with relationships with non-Black people. Relationships are relationships. Some people will like you and want to be your friend while others will not. There are some people you shouldn't try to be friends with so use your common sense and judgement about that. Black friends can get on your nerves, be insensitive, and hurt your feelings too. Just as you could have a long, positive, and life-changing relationship with at Black person, the same could happen with a non-Black person. Inter-racial friendships/acquaintances may be no better or worse than inter-racial friendships/relationships, just try to get as many of them as you need, want, or can handle. Considering that this blog is supportive of interracial romantic relationships, if you date interracially you will obviously come in contact with non-Black people. If you are hostile and prejudiced towards them then your dating relationships might not last and you will never fit in with your partner's family and friends.

Are Black Women Scary?

I just read a post on Beyond Black & White that made me think about whether anyone has reason to "fear" Black women. This is a difficult topic that might require a look in the mirror and actually LISTENING to what others are complaining about instead of instantly being defensive or accusing them of being racist, misogynist, or weak. "Fear" might not be fear of physical danger but fear of BW being different from other women they are used to or stereotypes of how women normally act. SOME of this fear might actually be based on experience. I doubt they are comparing BW to men so I'll just focus on women.

Comments on the site have already mentioned SOME women have attitude, are aggressive, emasculating, mean mug all day, and act very tough, Personally, BW I've known are quick to threaten to beat a child and they have. I've also seen BW strangers threaten to fight or call men to hurt others. Also, many online videos are really making BW look violent and ignorant. Come on, women on the site have talked about how other BW bullied and harassed them growing up so let's not pretend there aren't some hostile BW out there.

Some men who are not used to BW may treat them like other women and be shocked by the BWs reaction (e.g., she could flip out if you try to touch her hair, accuse Non-Black people of racism at any time). It's like non-BM need a read a manual to figure out how to get along with BW when they don't need one for other women. All of that is BAGGAGE that constantly rears it's head, interferes with relationships, and isn't there in other women. Sorry but being oppressed and abused is baggage and it is too much for some people to handle so they run away. Everyone doesn't know about your defense mechanisms and they can be scary, unpleasant, and confusing! This is because sometimes we "other" ourselves by acting so different from other women. That means others can not predict how you will react and that is scary to them. They aren't sure if you are "one of those angry Black women" until they talk to you.

Of course there are SOME WW who act tough, aggressive, and strange but people can think of many WW who are the complete opposite of that. It's harder for them to think of BW who are the complete opposite. Some people fear WW because of man-hating, claims that everything is sexist and needs to be changed (e.g., feminists), argumentativeness, emasculating, golddigging, taking all the money after divorce, materialism etc.. There are BM who fear WW because they could get hurt for messing with them (e.g., false rape claims anyone?). Plus they have the whole system on their side. Haven't heard of anyone fearing Asian women though.

I think that it would have been VERY helpful to ask men WHY they are fearful of BW because they may actually have reasons. I think I fear/am uncertain about a lot of people including BW. I fear how other BW will react to me because some (online especially) are quick to accuse you of being whitewashed, weak, not keeping it real etc. if you are not hard or crass like they are (the same goes for BM). I fear potential employers will not think I'm good enough, single men will not like me, or my peers will not like me too so I fear their negative comments and rejection. Sometimes I have the courage to face my fears but sometimes I really don't. I would just rather associate with people who accept and get along with me without fear or arguing. I like easy going people and SOME BW need to ask themselves if they are easy going of if they are constantly being militant, aggressive, mean looking, overly sensitive, or hard all the time.


Totally Unrelated Interesting Articles:
The most attractive women have the least casual sex
Revenge Porn: A dish best served by a disgruntled ex. Another post painting women as victims when it was their own irresponsibility and lack of foresight that got them into trouble. Apparently, women sent nude photos of themselves to boyfriends (yes digital photos that can be sent around the world in an instant!). Then when the relationships ended these men posted the photos online. Yes the men are betraying the women's trust and being horrible. I'm all for the sites being shut down...don't think they will succeed though because those photos may exist somewhere forever. The men are getting revenge and you gave them the perfect ammunition. Maybe you should give them your credit card and pin numbers too since you trust them so much.

The women put themselves into a position where the men had compromising photos of the women in digital form! Have these women not heard of all the nude photo scandals in the news that have ruined careers? Have they not seen how nude celebrity photos and tapes have been shown all over the Internet? Did these women not think about how nude photos could turn up and be seen by their parents, schools, peers, potential employers, and potential clients? These women should have thought ahead. NEVER take nude photos of yourself and NEVER send them to ANYONE over the internet. I could come back to haunt you!

Remember when Being Feminine and Girly was a Black Thing?

When exactly did Black women start embracing the "strong, hard, independent Black woman" instead of the "feminine, delicate, elegant Black woman"? I know that during slavery Black women could not afford the same clothing as White women and they had to do hard labor, so let's just focus on after slavery. During those times there were surely poor Black women and those who were "better off" in their communities. Again let's focus on the women who were "better off" and could actually afford to choose their clothing (even if it was of lesser quality than the clothing White women could afford). Many of these women may have actually sewn their own clothes but they would have had to purchase the fabric. These women dressed very similar to White women at the time. I don't know for sure, but they may have added their own unique flare to the styles, but they were very feminine, elegant, and beautiful. I do also notice that they attempted to style their hair like White women which is unfortunate, but they probably needed to in order to work and fit in at the time.

So there was a time when Black women and White women followed the same fashion trends and dressed in a similar manner! When did this stop? Was it in the 60s when Black women started wearing afros? During the 60s and the civil rights and feminist movements Black and White women wore pants more often and embraced the sloppy hippie look. Both looks could be feminine or masculine at times. Was it the 70s? I think the Black disco queens were quite feminine. I don't think it was most of the 80s either because there were many Black female celebrities (e.g., the Pointer Sisters) who dressed in a feminine manner that was quite similar to the style of White celebrities.

There have always been subcultures who had their unique styles but I'm talking about mainstream fashion that was worn by the masses and then promoted by fashion designers and brands. Often times a musician would have a style, fans would copy the style and attitude of the musician, and eventually the mainstream would embrace the music, style, and attitude (or an actress would star in a big movie and fans would copy her style seen in the movie and in public). I think that the point where Black women embraced hard, edgy, defiant, masculine styles and mannerisms was the 1990s (because they liked them, not because they had to)! Prior to the 90s there was not much of a difference between Black and White female fashions, at least one did not seem more masculine than the other.  The 90s saw hip hop culture become mainstream and "urban fashion" was born. Urban female fashion was hard, edgy, overly sexy, or a female version of MEN'S fashion (in fact, when I was a girl I just wore my brother's old clothes). The sexy part was similar to White women's fashion but the hard, masculine part was unique to urban fashion (well actually White women had punk fashion that was hard and masculine but all White women were never pressured to dress punk. White people had many other styles that they chose from so they did not limit themselves to one style). By the 90s many Black women had also accepted feminism and along with that many rejected anything that was traditionally feminine (e.g., learning how to cook, sew, knit, and act like a lady etc.).

Celebrities who embraced urban fashion included Mary J. Blige, TLC, Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, Salt & Pepa, Aalyiah, Brandy, Monica, SWV, Xscape, and many others. When you think of these women, when they were most popular they tended to wear over-sized clothing that often looked like men's clothes and in their videos they rarely smiled and often looked unhappy. These were the women that Black women everywhere emulated! Some celebrities like En Vogue dressed in a feminine manner but they also had a hard edge sometimes. Fortunately, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey appeared "nice" in their videos as did some other pop and R & B singers (both women were accused of acting "too White"). This was the time when hardness and attitude crept into the professional personas of Black musicians and it was rare to see a Black musician who appeared sweet, soft, or down to earth without a chip on her shoulder. This was also echoed on television shows where elegant women like Claire Huxtable were replaced with loud, obnoxious caricatures like Gina on the Martin show, and numerous characters on In Living Color and Saturday Night Live (remember Ellen Cleghorn and her character threatening to cut everyone?).

Some may argue that the world always thought that Black women were unfeminine compared to other women and the change in fashion would not have made a difference. I just don't believe that! I think that if Black women had continued to choose mainstream fashions (and attitudes) instead of urban fashion then we would look no different from White or Asian women and perhaps today we would be regarded in the same manner. Look at how people react to Michelle Obama. Some still hold racist views and claim that she is angry and militant but sensible people can see she is very feminine, a caring mother, and a devoted wife, and that she dresses the same way they do (or the way they aspire to dress). Many Black women CHOSE to appear different and rejected anything that was overly feminine by calling it "White" and embraced masculine, oversized clothing as being "Black". We also did the same thing by calling good manners, speaking softly, becoming educated, reading etc. "acting White" even though these things were once cherished in the Black community! Instead we chose to follow the uneducated, criminal rappers and their hard, defiant, hyper-masculine attitudes. We followed these men in an attempt to "keep it real" and show our loyalty when we would have been better off following the fashion aimed at women in general! Part of this may have been an angry rejection of anything associated with White culture but I don't think it has helped us and it has only marginalized us further. It didn't work so what's the point holding on to it (the same goes for Black men acting hard because it has backfired)? Black women today need to realize that Black women were not always hard! Even in the face of blatant racism during Jim Crowe many women still carried themselves with more dignity and appeared more feminine and gentle than women today! I really think it's time that we went back to the old ways and rejected urban fashion/attitudes/mannerisms in favor of feminine, mainstream women's fashion/attitudes/mannerisms. That's exactly what I am doing!

Fantastic links to Vintage Black Women (you must visit these links and be amazed by the way Black women were once portrayed!):
Vintage Black women on Flickr
Vintage Black glamour on Tumblr
Vintage Black2 on Tumblr
16 Stone Vintage (great blog WOW!)

Lessons We Can Learn From The Stepford Wives (2004)

Spoiler Alert! If you don't want to know what happens in this film or the ending please stop reading :)

After finding a photo of the Stepford Wives from the 2004 version of the movie, I decided to watch it again. In this film a powerful television executive (Nicole Kidman) was fired, her husband (Matthew Broderick) quit his job as vice president of the company, and they decided to move to Stepford. Nicole's character had short (very masculine) hair, a dominant presence, and always dressed in Black. She constantly argued with her husband and appeared angry and pushy. In Stepford she met Bette Midler's character who was a writer and she was also very pushy, loud, and a lousy housekeeper who dressed in that awful sloppy hippie style. All of the men in Stepford were rich and and went to a country club. The women were also very successful. But when the men became fed up with their wives they brought them to the club where they had computer chips placed in their brains to turn them into "perfect wives" who were gorgeous, feminine, totally obedient, and unopinionated...basically robots. Nicole and her husband devised a plan to have her pretend to be a robot so that they could destroy the computers at the club. In the end it turned out that it was actually a woman who came up with the idea for the robots because she wanted women to be cherished and loved and for men to be men again.

I'll start off by saying I do not think women need to be turned into obedient robots and men should not force women to change (or do medical procedures) against their will!!! This was a COMEDY and the femininity and gender roles were exaggerated (e.g., Glen Close's skirts were so full no one would wear them today, they were vapid, totally obedient, and lacking of personality). The original version was a horror movie with strong feminist messages about women's independence. The original had a different ending because it would be horrifying to have your loving husband remove your free will and turn you into a robot slave.

There were some interesting messages about gender roles that we can take from the film. It basically showed what men like and dislike in women (but in an exaggerated fashion). The men wanted women who were not argumentative, hard, too busy for them, masculine looking, sloppy, untidy, loud, pessimistic, unfriendly, or embarrassing in public. The men preferred women who looked feminine and pretty and were easy to get along with, and passive (totally submissive in this case). They did not seem to care about the women's careers. It was interesting to note that all of the men were low-average to below average in attractiveness but the women were all very attractive after their robot makeovers (i.e., they looked like trophy wives). Even unattractive men want beauty queens it seems! I have to admit though, I thought the women did look better after their makeovers. Except for some of the exaggerated skirts, the dresses were very pretty, their hair looked better, and they looked happier. After the makeover Nicole Kidman looked the way she does at every awards ceremony so even she prefers looking like a Stepford wife! These are some of the important messages in the movie:

• There is no need to argue over every little thing especially when it doesn't have an effect on your life. Choose your battles wisely. Be passive most of the time (don't sweat the small stuff) and assertive (not aggressive) when you need something or when you need to stand up for yourself. Men find it emasculating when they are questioned about everything they do (it would probably annoy you too to be constantly questioned). You can have an opinion, but you don't have to share your opinion on every single thing or get involved in everyone else's business.
• If you decide to become a powerful career woman then you will have to work extra hard to make sure that you spend quality (peaceful) time with your husband and family. Your work can not be your whole life. If your time with your family is as serious and anxiety-provoking as your time at work then you may lose your family.  When you step into your house it is time to be relaxed and supportive instead of competitive, punitive, or dominant the way you may need to be in some careers. In other less stressful careers it will be easier to make the work to home transition. 
• Looking more feminine can be achieved in one day. Well it will probably take some research into feminine clothing and hairstyles. But once that is done you would just need to go shopping and go to a salon (or wig shop) to get the feminine look. It's just clothes, make-up, and hair (improving posture and grace will take more time and can not be purchased). Making these changes is easy and I'm sure many of us have changed our style and hair numerous times so it isn't that serious but the rewards may be great. You can still express yourself with feminine clothing. People are likely to treat you differently (probably better) if you look feminine rather than androgynous or masculine. 
• Feminine traits can be expressed instantly by smiling more, being polite and friendly, controlling emotional expressions, and not being argumentative or snarky. We all know how to be nice but sometimes we don't feel like being nice or we don't think it is important. Many of believe we have the right to express any emotion or thought we want and everyone has to just accept our behaviour. This will eventually push people away or keep them from ever approaching you. You know your behaviour is unpleasant because I'm sure you aren't overjoyed when someone is angry or sad whenever you see them. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. It's only human to be emotional and unhappy sometimes (no one is ever happy all the time) but if you are always angry or sad then something needs to change. If you are constantly in a negative mood then you need to make some changes in your life or seek help.

Remember, it was just a comedy! Even caricatures have a grain of truth!

The Type of EBW I want to be

I've decided to review the type of woman I want to become so that I can check my progress and what I still need to work on. These are things that I want to achieve but of course I'm not expecting to be perfect. If I achieve these things then I will be the best woman I can be and my idea of an EBW. This is an ideal and not necessarily the ideal woman to anyone reading this blog. Anything with a star is something I haven't made enough progress with.

Appearance

• long, healthy, natural hair (my hair is bra-strap BSL length!)
• clear, toasty-brown skin all over* (I need to exfoliate more and always apply lotion or oil)
• healthy body weight and toned body* (want to lose a few pounds but I still look good)
• make-up that accentuates my features
• feminine fashion style (need to start wearing heels more often)
• good posture and feminine movement 
• smiling often (greatly improved)

Attitude and Behaviour

• Staying poised when under pressure
• Maintaining a positive mood and attitude (not too bad, greatly improved)
• Behaving like an EBW in public and private (improved)
• Not engaging in useless arguments online and offline (I have really improved!)
• Being a good friend  and daughter (need to make more friends too, improved as a daughter)
• Being a fun, joyful, nice, pleasant person (greatly improved)
• Toning down the sexiness (not bad)
• Being interesting to talk to (not bad)
• Helping others * (I help my friends with advice but I haven't been volunteering)

Hobbies and Interests

• healthy cooking * (need some good recipes)
• physical fitness and working out
• physical activities (e.g., pool, tennis, volley ball, golf)* 
• reading (need to do more pleasure reading instead of school related reading)
• self-improvement
• dinner parties *
• sewing and knitting *
• sketching and painting * (know how to but need to actually spend time doing)
• blogging (of course)
• dance lessons *
• learn massage * (another trick for my feminine arsenal)
• travel *
• socializing regularly* (the winter really killed my social life)

Romantic Relationships

• Starting a monogamous relationship * (I'm single)
• Getting married * (not even close)
• Having a baby *(again, not even close)

Career

• Graduate (almost there)
• Get a job in my field * (I have to start looking)
• Do the best job I can *

As you can see from this list, I have made a lot of progress on my journey to becoming an EBW! Most of the progress has involved changing the way I look, my attitude, and my behaviour. I am acting and looking very different from the way I was a few years ago. 

I am not worried about the improvements I need to make in my career because these goals will be achieved in the near future. I'm not even worried about them anymore. As you can see, my career goals do not include becoming the best, starting a company, or anything time-consuming like that. I'll be satisfied with the job, a husband, and kids. 

The areas where I need the most improvement are in my interests and romantic relationships. It may be possible that my interests and romantic relationships could actually intersect. I could take up some sports and meet someone in the process. I could go to dinner parties or out dancing and meet someone. I could also take in community events and meet someone. I just have to get out more and socialize and these things will be taken care of. The winter has really put a hold on some of these things, so I can't wait until the weather gets better. Some of the hobbies also require time and money and it was hard to find time and money while I was busy with school. So right now my priorities are doing what is necessary to graduate, finding a job, and going out and socializing. I'll wait until I earn some money before taking on some of the hobbies :)

Asian Women Acting Masculine, Hard, and Ghetto in Music Videos

Last night, for the first time, I watched videos of Asian girl groups! It was a surprise. Ladies, these women are singing R&B, rapping,  gyrating, dancing hip hop, and showing some serious attitude! They are displaying some real masculine traits and actually looking hard instead of delicate and submissive! These videos have millions of views so they must be popular groups. This is obviously because they were influenced by African American music and with the music comes the attitude. Too much rap and hip hop can cause people to act hard and women to act masculine even if they did not grow up in rough neighbourhoods where that was the norm. All around the world, when people listen to our music and watch our videos and movies they think all Black women are hard, aggressive, and masculine. People who like the music then start acting like the musicians. I wonder if there are groups of Asian women who are now acting hard and unfeminine because of this music? I wonder if men and their elders think it is a disgrace? If most Asian women started to act like this would they still be considered the feminine ideal?

But I'm guessing that the Asian women in these videos are just putting on an act that they can turn on and off whenever they want. They probably know that acting that way is unacceptable and counterproductive in their everyday lives so they don't become invested in it. Since so many Asian women don't act hard in real life no one today would say that most Asian women are unfeminine and have bad attitudes the way they do with us.

Please watch some of the videos linked below and let me know what you think. Are they still somehow more feminine than Black women in the videos? If so is it because their skin is light or because they are so small, thin and cute? Is it because its hard to believe these women are so hard? To be honest, even though these women are acting hard I would never be afraid of one of them but I would not be surprised if some Black female celebrities threw a punch at someone.

The girls look the hardest in this video. I actually like the song! To tell the truth, if I was in a club I would dance to any one of these songs! Makes me wonder what happened to all the Black girl groups? I used to love SWV and groups like that but I don't hear music like that anymore :(

These girls are showing plenty of "Black girl attitude" but I'm sure all those men who complain about our attitudes still think they are cute. If Black women's attitudes were so bad then why would anyone want to show that in a music video? I'm not saying we shouldn't try to be EBWs, but maybe the rest of the world doesn't think a little attitude and sass is horrible (so chin up). I've heard some people actually like that about us.

2NE1 -I Am The Best (pretty aggressive with guns!)
2NE1 -Can't Nobody (English Version) warning foul language (shocking!)
2NE1 -I Don't Care (wow, Asian woman with an afro in this one)
2NE1 Fire

I'm going to keep writing about Asian women because (unfortunately), many people believe they are very feminine and Black women are not. I'll also look into African, Middle Eastern, and Indian femininity because I don't really know much about these things so maybe readers will find it interesting too. I think I just want to see something besides the European ideal of femininity. Of course, I will post as much as I can about EBWs :)

An EBW is NOT a Strong Independent Black Woman

Today I am posting a video that perfectly explains the reasons why Black women are doing themselves a disservice by calling themselves "Strong Independent Black Women" (see my earlier post about Black women needing to change the way we define ourselves). This term has become associated with negative traits like 'neck-rolling', being loud, demanding, controlling, argumentative, and masculine. We need to stop using this term and just try to be the best women we can be without the labels.

Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men?

Over the past two years some successful Black women have complained that they are unable to find a "Good Black Man". Some of you may have seen the Nightline special about this topic hosted by Sherry Sheppard, Steve Harvey, and other authors and celebrities. This has angered some Black men who complained that so many Black women are single because their standards are too high, they are too picky, and (groan) they are loud and have attitudes. Some have even argued that getting an education is not important and doesn't make a woman a better catch. This has resulted in some Black men and women vowing to never date Black again. Well guess what...this isn't just a Black issue.

In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, author Kay S. Hymowitz argues that this is the case for most men in the U.S. and Europe! The article explains that for the first time in history, people are going through a "pre-adulthood" period where they are not focused on marriage or children after high school. This has delayed marriage in many Western countries. Women in these countries complain that men their age still act like adolescents and do not appear ready for marriage (e.g., not going to college, playing video games all day, casual relationships with women, little ambition etc.).

A couple of things stood out for me in the article that make me feel more secure in my decision to not lower my standards. Since the 1980s' there has been a "college premium" meaning that individuals with an education do better in this "knowledge economy" where educated people get better jobs that pay well. This is why I want someone with an education and I don't know why some men don't understand this? Good education with transferable skills = good, secure job = middle income to support family. So if you don't have any of these things, you are less attractive to women, especially women who have achieved those things.

If I meet a man my age who doesn't have a degree or a good career I wonder what he has been doing since he graduated high school. If I don't know the man I would guess he was going from job to job, finding himself, playing around, maybe going to jail, but I would not assume he was doing something constructive or else he would have financial stability by now.

I know a lot of guys have had hard lives, but your suffering does not entitle you to have any any woman you want! Someone might date you because they feel sorry for you, but would you really want that? Why not look for someone who had a similar life to yours? I'm not looking for royalty or a billionaire (some women are), but I think those men are out of my league and some men need to accept that some women are out of their league too. Let me put it this way, if you are a man and you met a below-average looking woman who you were not attracted to at all, would you date her because she was nice and had a hard life? Well it's the same thing for a successful women when faced with a man who does not have the same level of success. You think to yourself that you can do better, everyone you know will be shocked and say you can do better, and when your date acts like a jerk you will start looking for someone better.

So I think I will end this post with a list of the things I'm looking for in a man and why in no particular order:

• Treats me well and respects me: I want someone who is nice to me and cares about me. This will eventually become love. I don't want someone who is "just not that into" me. So this is a NICE GUY but he doesn't have to be perfect. This man is not overly controlling and does not insist that he makes all the decisions and that I "submit because he is a man". Definitely no Thugs!
• Physically attractive (average, not overweight): I want a guy that I find cute who I want to make babies with. I don't want to feel gross if he touches me, I want to feel hot! I think we should have the same level of attractiveness and I don't expect someone way better looking than myself. I would find it hard to trust a man who was too good looking :)
• My height (5'7") or taller (maybe an inch shorter): If the guy is shorter than me I will feel big and fat beside him. I will feel like the man. I could get over this if he meets most other things on my list.
• College or university degree: As I said above good education = good secure job = middle income. If someone with a degree loses their job it is much easier for them to find another one because of their transferable skills.
• Middle income job (he can be in-between jobs ONLY if he has a degree): Finances are important and anyone who says otherwise is being naive. A middle income buys a home in a safe neighborhood; safe, middle income neighborhoods have better schools for your kids; middle income areas have grocery stores where you can buy healthy food for your family; a middle income will pay for your children's education so that they can finish school without a huge debt burden; middle income allows you to fulfill basic needs; during tough times if one partner can not work (illness, loss of employment) the family will not be forced into poverty. I came from a middle income home and if I do not provide that for my children then I have failed.
• No criminal background or history of violence: I want someone who has made good choices in life. A criminal record also interferes with getting a good job. He can NEVER hit me and if I find out he has abused other women it is over. No Thugs!
• No substance abuse: Nothing good comes of it. I would prefer someone with no past abuse either because it is common to relapse. There is no such thing as casual substance abuse to me.
• Non-religious. I am agnostic and I think it would be difficult raising children with an avid believer. It's hard enough getting along with friends who are religious because we see things so differently sometimes.
• Common values and life goals: This one is very important and ties into being non-religious. This will help us to get along and make sure that we are on the same path.  My goals are finish degree, meet Mr. Right, get a job in my field,  get married, have kids, raise kids, send kids to university or college, live the rest of our lives.
• Actually likes Black women: If the man is not Black then I don't want to be his "little experiment" to see what it's like to be with a Black woman. He has to have social experience with Black people and know how to act around them. I can not be with someone who complains about reverse racism, being "too PC", pulling the race card, Black people are too sensitive etc. This person has to have some experience and knowledge of what it's like to be a racial minority. If the man is Black and he is conflicted about race...I can work with that because we have all gone through this but I'll have to keep an eye on it.

That's it. I don't think it's to picky. He doesn't have to be six feet tall or a millionaire. He can be average looking. I'm open to dating other races because I want to get married and have kids more than anything in the world.