Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most

Cross posted at Beyond Black & White

Let's see how this one goes over...

Here is a definition of prejudice from an online dictionary:

A (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.  B : an instance of such judgment or opinion. C : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics. (emphasis added)

I think that some Black people can be very prejudiced. I thought that I would highlight the word hostility in that definition because I believe that this hostility is seriously harmful to Black people. I'll go out on a limb and state that people don't like hostile people. When someone acts or looks hostile that spells 'danger' to most people and they want to avoid hostile people. Here is a definition for hostile:

A : of or relating to an enemy <hostile fire>. B : marked by malevolence : having or showing unfriendly feelings <a hostile act>. C : openly opposed or resisting <a hostile critic> <hostile to new ideas>. D (1) : not hospitable <plants growing in a hostile environment> (2) : having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature <a hostile workplace>.

That doesn't sound good does it? You wouldn't want to be friends with someone who appears hostile. In fact you might not want to approach someone who even has a reputation for being hostile. This would not be the type of person you would want to strike up a conversation with, ask for directions, or hire for a job. No one likes hostile sales people or waiters. No one likes hostile teachers or bosses. No one likes to be around someone who is openly unfriendly, opposed, intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive. So, if this is the case then why in the world do some Black people act so hostile? Isn't it in their best interest to not appear hostile so that they can get along in society without being treated like a threatening enemy?

Now I know some people will immediately launch into the usual excuses. For example, "It dates back to slavery. Black people should be angry and hostile because of all the racist things that happened back then and even today". Or, "It's a defense mechanism because many of us live in hostile environments and this keeps others from bothering us". Or, "We aren't hostile, ever since slavery White people have thought of us as hostile and nothing we can do will change that". Or even, "What do you suggest, we should start shuckin' and jivin' so we don't upset the White folks"?  The most common one I hear is, "Well people are hostile to me so I'll be hostile right back. I won't let people walk all over me and do nothing". Well in the words of Dr. Phil, I have to ask, "How's that working for you?" (see I don't even like Dr. Phil but I still learned something from him).

I remember a time a few years ago when I was pretty hostile towards White people. I was reading a lot of African American history and I was really angry. I stopped listening to White music, stopped watching White shows, and I was always talking about racism and injustice. I was also being hostile towards White people and everyone I worked with and went to school with was White! So, what ended up happening? Well other students and coworkers developed stronger friendships. When I needed help with things I usually didn't ask because I feared I would be rejected. I didn't hear about important opportunities because I wasn't hanging out with the other students/coworkers. People thought I was aloof and didn't care. I was the angry Black woman always talking about racism, activism, how she didn't fit in, and how she was different. Surprised??? Fortunately I came to my senses and realized I was angry about things that had not happened to me personally and I was taking it out on people who had done nothing to harm me. I was being hostile to people who I needed and I was lonely because I saw the people around me as enemies instead of allies. Thank goodness I wasn't too horrible and this behavior did not harm my career! I think that things would have been much better though if I had had people looking out for me and if I had their support along the way. The hostility I had did nothing but keep me in a negative mood, keep me from making friends and having fun, and keep me from making important career connections. It was not beneficial to me AT ALL. It wasn't working for me so I stopped. I hope you can stop too.

The actual reason why I wrote this post is because the hostility I see in Black women towards non-Black women is really making us look bad! It comes off as jealousy, petty bitterness, or just meanness and unnecessary hostility. For example, a post was done about lessons we can learn from Elin Nordegren (Tiger Wood's ex). The post said she was a European beauty and made a point to show a beautiful Black woman as well. But one comment stood out to me. The gist of the comment was, "She's not all that, she just looks like a plain White woman" (it reminds me of this previous post). I just wonder why do some women/people feel the need to be negative and hostile like that. Why bother to say that at all? It just sounds like you feel obligated to bring the other person down. I've noticed this a lot and it bothers me. When someone says something positive about a non-Black person, some Black people just go out of their way to say something negative and dismissive.

Unfortunately, this inter-racial hostility is even applied intra-racially. For instance, people love to comment on how bad it is to be dark-skin shamed or fat-shamed but being prejudiced and hostile towards light-skinned and skinny women is condoned. One of the excuses is that light-skinned women get White privilege because their skin color is closer to White. The hostility I see towards light-skinned women is just horrible! The same thing goes for skinny women, they are ridiculed for having a body shape that is attractive according to Eurocentric standards (or Hollywood standards). Don't even get me started with the strange phenomenon of Black people complaining that every highly attractive Black woman has "White features" and doesn't represent "real Black beauty", so Black people should reject her (e.g., Beyonce). It's as though because light-skinned, allegedly Eurocentric looking, and skinny women are lauded in the mainstream media and by White people then it's the duty of Black people to be hostile towards them to even things out! In my opinion, the hostility doesn't even things out at all, it just makes the hostile people look even worse because they are picking on people who are well liked. It totally backfires.

Let me put it this way, think back to childhood about the most beautiful and popular girl at school. Now was it better for your status to be a friend to that girl or her enemy? Was it beneficial to be mean to that girl or would it backfire when people came to her defense and rejected you for hurting their darling? No, it was always better to be in her friend, learn her methods for getting people to like her, and to be in her circle of the best people at school and benefit from the association. By just associating with or enhancing your similarities with the most popular, attractive, influential people you become that by association. By being hostile to those people you just make yourself look bad and ruin any chance that they will help you to achieve your desired status or goals. Black people do accept some non-Black people who they think are "down" and have earned their "Black card". Well they earned that by being open and accepting of Black people. How do you expect non-Black people to be open and accepting of you if you are so consistently hostile towards them?

So the point I am trying to make is that it's not in Black women's (or Black men's) benefit to be seen as hostile, difficult, angry, or mean. We won't be seen as the "nice girls" (or guys). We will seem like bullies that no one wants to support, help, or protect.  Instead, we should be open to learning from other people, regardless or race, if they have achieved what we desire. We might actually have common interests and that is the basis of many friendships. Instead of automatically acting hostile and rejecting non-Black people we have to be more open to learning and making useful relationships. These people can help you to improve your life (even by just observing them). Now this doesn't mean you have to put all of your trust into them, tell them all your secrets, worship them, let them mistreat you, or be their mammy! I'm not saying  let these women be mean to you and just grin and bear it so you don't end up on their bad side. I'm ONLY saying, don't be prejudiced and hostile to people just because they aren't Black. I'm also saying don't be prejudiced and hostile to Black or biracial people just because they don't look "as Black" as you think they should. Your life will probably take a turn for the better if you are more open to new experiences and new people!

Warning: Just as a Black person can end up being a bad influence, jealous, a backstabber, a frenemy, or someone who betrays your trust and hurts you, the same thing can happen with relationships with non-Black people. Relationships are relationships. Some people will like you and want to be your friend while others will not. There are some people you shouldn't try to be friends with so use your common sense and judgement about that. Black friends can get on your nerves, be insensitive, and hurt your feelings too. Just as you could have a long, positive, and life-changing relationship with at Black person, the same could happen with a non-Black person. Inter-racial friendships/acquaintances may be no better or worse than inter-racial friendships/relationships, just try to get as many of them as you need, want, or can handle. Considering that this blog is supportive of interracial romantic relationships, if you date interracially you will obviously come in contact with non-Black people. If you are hostile and prejudiced towards them then your dating relationships might not last and you will never fit in with your partner's family and friends.

It's Really Hard to Know What Black Women Want

I was just thinking that it's really hard to know what some Black women want. This post was inspired by a post on Clutch called "The Age of the Fat A$$". We are all different and sometimes so different it almost makes you laugh. These are just some frustrating things I've noticed and maybe you have too.

There are very few shows with Black female characters on them and many of them are blatant, negative stereotypes. Yet whenever there is a BW character who is not a total embarrassment, disgrace, or stereotype there are tons of complaints about her, but only from BW (or some BM)! The complaints range from her skin is too light/too dark, she's not Black enough, she's not like me, her hair is fake, she isn't in a relationship, she's fat, she's dating interracially, she's unhappy, she isn't the star, she always gets hurt and blah, blah, blah! All BW are different and most of the media is run by White people so do you want to see a variety of BW in the media or not?

Now a lot of men and the media have elevated the beauty status of fuller behinds. This is to the point where women are wearing butt-enhancing clothing, butt-enlarging pills are being sold, and women are getting surgical enhancements. Instead of enjoying the fact that one standard of beauty has changed that actually elevates their beauty status some BW women are complaining! They are saying that they are being fetishized like Sarah Baartman and objectified! SMH, do you want more/all people to think you are beautiful and attractive or not?

Natural afro-textured hair has finally, FINALLY become acceptable in Western countries and there is finally enough information available about how to care for it. Yet it is some BW (and BM) who are saying natural hair is ugly, they would never been seen wearing it, or they would never date someone with natural hair. This is the same hair that is growing out of their heads and the same hair their children have. I have heard countless stories of how non-Black people are saying natural hair is attractive instead of Black people! SMH, do you want people to accept your hair however you wear it or not?

BW of the past fought HARD so that BW would be accepted as women/ladies that deserved to be respected, cherished, and protected like non-Black women. But today some BW are totally offended by the suggestion that they dress and act like ladies! They resent any idea that they should be compared to other women when past BW made that comparison and wanted to be treated like non-Black women! Instead you want to act like hard pack-mules who don't need special care when your ancestors hated that reality! BW in the past fought so that BW would not just be thought of as sexual objects yet you make yourselves into sexual objects by dressing, dancing, and speaking in a vulgar sexual manner and having casual sex all over the place! SMH do you want to be thought of as a lady and equal to all other women or not?

While some BW have lamented that non-Black men don't find them attractive others will loudly proclaim that they don't find non-Black men attractive whatsoever. Or when non-Black men approach them they are extra rude. If a non-Black man is dating or married to a BW then other BW say he just has a fetish! Some BW have no problem with men liking their chests or behinds that they flaunt in sexy clothes yet they are offended if men (only non-Black men) are attracted to their dark skin! How is being attracted to gorgeous, even, toasty brown skin a fetish while liking extra fat deposits on the chest and backside is not? If a non-Black man said the most attractive thing about you was your chest you would not feel offended yet if he loves your skin then he's sick? Do you want more/all men to like you and find you attractive or not?

This is just me venting but think about if these trends were to be reversed. If the media gave up and decided to exclude BW actors then there would be complaints for inclusion. If large behinds went out of style and women with Tracee Ellis Ross behinds were called "fat/unattractive" then there would be complaints about unfair Eurocentric beauty standards. If people started saying BW don't dress or act like other women because they aren't really women there would be OUTRAGE all over the place! If non-Black men went around saying they just aren't attracted to BW at all there would be OUTRAGE (remember John Mayer?). If non-Black men  started vocally stating dark skin is unattractive and they would never date a woman darker than a paper bag there would be more OUTRAGE (there already is when BM say such things). Personally, I think that all of these media and societal changes are good for BW and it's annoying when other BW try to spoil it for the rest of us!