Do People Really Know Why They Do Things?

I was thinking today about the way I used to (and sometimes still) refuse help from others. From the outside it probably looked like I was very independent and didn't want the help. It looked like that to me too sometimes. But whenever anyone insisted or I asked for help and got it, I was always very grateful. I realize now that it wasn't because I wanted to be independent. Why would I turn down rides, money, or food? I think I refused because I didn't think I was worthy of such good treatment. It upsets me to even think about it. I have had a problem with this ever since I was a child. I would go without when I didn't have to. It was low self-esteem. I didn't walk by myself because I wanted to be a loner. I was just too afraid to put effort into developing many friendships out of fear of rejection. Sometimes when people wanted to be my friend I was surprised and wondered "Really? Why would they want to be friends with me?"

I read some complaints by men about women wanting to be independent and not wanting a man. Maybe some of those women are like me and they do things themselves because they don't feel they deserve the help and should be strong enough to do everything. It's interesting that some men complain that they are expected to be strong when I think a lot of women are getting the same message today. That's one of the reasons why I'm rejecting the strong, independent woman label. If you're independent and strong you're called worthless to men but if you're dependent and helpless then you're called worthless to everyone. You can't win! Either way you end up feeling inadequate. I hate the pressure women get for not being feminine or masculine enough. I guess men experience the same thing.

It also makes me think about why people do certain things while dating. Some men complain when women expect them to pay for dates but some women do this so the man will feel needed. That's also why some women let men open doors, carry things, and stand up for them. They want the man to fall in love with them. But of course there are women who just use men for money with no intention of having a relationship. Other women do the exact opposite and pay for everything, refuse any help, and even financially support men. They want to show the man they are not using them and only want their company. They also want the man to fall in love with them. Some women may also do this because of feminist teachings. Different women use different methods because they have been told that one method will ensure a man's love while the opposite method will push him away. Some men are calling this being manipulative and evidence that feminism and women are trying to emasculate them.

But if you read the posts and comments of different men there are some that insist on one of these methods over the other but sometimes to such an extreme that women risk being victimized. Some men think that any woman who isn't independent is oppressing a man by expecting financial support. This is often the preference of fake supporters of feminism who really just want women to financially support them or men who have no ambition or low self-esteem. They want a woman but they don't meet their standards so they guilt the women into lowering their standards. Perhaps some of them really think it's fine to reverse traditional roles and that it's consistent with egalitarianism.

To other men, women who don't rely on men for money, protection, or guidance are ruining society and the family by rejecting the "natural order" and negating the role of men! However, some of these men also expect total submission from their wives, the right to make all decisions, and in some cases don't believe women have the right to say "no" (i.e., men can rape their wives). It's possible that some have low self-esteem issues and think that absolute control is the only way to keep a woman from leaving them. Or they might truly believe that this is the best way to have a happy relationship based on history or social stereotypes.

Some men will deny that they have these motives, they have low self-esteem, or they might not even realize these things. If men and women can recognize that members of both sexes act differently and have different preferences, for many different reasons, we can stop automatically assuming the most negative and exploitative motivations. We should stop categorizing all men or women negatively based on their behaviour or preferences and try to find out the reasoning behind these things. Men and women with the same preferences will be a better match.

Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men?

Over the past two years some successful Black women have complained that they are unable to find a "Good Black Man". Some of you may have seen the Nightline special about this topic hosted by Sherry Sheppard, Steve Harvey, and other authors and celebrities. This has angered some Black men who complained that so many Black women are single because their standards are too high, they are too picky, and (groan) they are loud and have attitudes. Some have even argued that getting an education is not important and doesn't make a woman a better catch. This has resulted in some Black men and women vowing to never date Black again. Well guess what...this isn't just a Black issue.

In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, author Kay S. Hymowitz argues that this is the case for most men in the U.S. and Europe! The article explains that for the first time in history, people are going through a "pre-adulthood" period where they are not focused on marriage or children after high school. This has delayed marriage in many Western countries. Women in these countries complain that men their age still act like adolescents and do not appear ready for marriage (e.g., not going to college, playing video games all day, casual relationships with women, little ambition etc.).

A couple of things stood out for me in the article that make me feel more secure in my decision to not lower my standards. Since the 1980s' there has been a "college premium" meaning that individuals with an education do better in this "knowledge economy" where educated people get better jobs that pay well. This is why I want someone with an education and I don't know why some men don't understand this? Good education with transferable skills = good, secure job = middle income to support family. So if you don't have any of these things, you are less attractive to women, especially women who have achieved those things.

If I meet a man my age who doesn't have a degree or a good career I wonder what he has been doing since he graduated high school. If I don't know the man I would guess he was going from job to job, finding himself, playing around, maybe going to jail, but I would not assume he was doing something constructive or else he would have financial stability by now.

I know a lot of guys have had hard lives, but your suffering does not entitle you to have any any woman you want! Someone might date you because they feel sorry for you, but would you really want that? Why not look for someone who had a similar life to yours? I'm not looking for royalty or a billionaire (some women are), but I think those men are out of my league and some men need to accept that some women are out of their league too. Let me put it this way, if you are a man and you met a below-average looking woman who you were not attracted to at all, would you date her because she was nice and had a hard life? Well it's the same thing for a successful women when faced with a man who does not have the same level of success. You think to yourself that you can do better, everyone you know will be shocked and say you can do better, and when your date acts like a jerk you will start looking for someone better.

So I think I will end this post with a list of the things I'm looking for in a man and why in no particular order:

• Treats me well and respects me: I want someone who is nice to me and cares about me. This will eventually become love. I don't want someone who is "just not that into" me. So this is a NICE GUY but he doesn't have to be perfect. This man is not overly controlling and does not insist that he makes all the decisions and that I "submit because he is a man". Definitely no Thugs!
• Physically attractive (average, not overweight): I want a guy that I find cute who I want to make babies with. I don't want to feel gross if he touches me, I want to feel hot! I think we should have the same level of attractiveness and I don't expect someone way better looking than myself. I would find it hard to trust a man who was too good looking :)
• My height (5'7") or taller (maybe an inch shorter): If the guy is shorter than me I will feel big and fat beside him. I will feel like the man. I could get over this if he meets most other things on my list.
• College or university degree: As I said above good education = good secure job = middle income. If someone with a degree loses their job it is much easier for them to find another one because of their transferable skills.
• Middle income job (he can be in-between jobs ONLY if he has a degree): Finances are important and anyone who says otherwise is being naive. A middle income buys a home in a safe neighborhood; safe, middle income neighborhoods have better schools for your kids; middle income areas have grocery stores where you can buy healthy food for your family; a middle income will pay for your children's education so that they can finish school without a huge debt burden; middle income allows you to fulfill basic needs; during tough times if one partner can not work (illness, loss of employment) the family will not be forced into poverty. I came from a middle income home and if I do not provide that for my children then I have failed.
• No criminal background or history of violence: I want someone who has made good choices in life. A criminal record also interferes with getting a good job. He can NEVER hit me and if I find out he has abused other women it is over. No Thugs!
• No substance abuse: Nothing good comes of it. I would prefer someone with no past abuse either because it is common to relapse. There is no such thing as casual substance abuse to me.
• Non-religious. I am agnostic and I think it would be difficult raising children with an avid believer. It's hard enough getting along with friends who are religious because we see things so differently sometimes.
• Common values and life goals: This one is very important and ties into being non-religious. This will help us to get along and make sure that we are on the same path.  My goals are finish degree, meet Mr. Right, get a job in my field,  get married, have kids, raise kids, send kids to university or college, live the rest of our lives.
• Actually likes Black women: If the man is not Black then I don't want to be his "little experiment" to see what it's like to be with a Black woman. He has to have social experience with Black people and know how to act around them. I can not be with someone who complains about reverse racism, being "too PC", pulling the race card, Black people are too sensitive etc. This person has to have some experience and knowledge of what it's like to be a racial minority. If the man is Black and he is conflicted about race...I can work with that because we have all gone through this but I'll have to keep an eye on it.

That's it. I don't think it's to picky. He doesn't have to be six feet tall or a millionaire. He can be average looking. I'm open to dating other races because I want to get married and have kids more than anything in the world.