Hypergamy and Black Women Marrying Up

Cross posted at Beyond Black and White...

I think my blog  is all about hypergamy and becoming a high quality woman, because it feels great to be one and because it makes you attractive to high quality men. I think that a lot of Beyond Black & White and BWE articles are about hypergamy too. So what it hypergamy?

Hypergamy (colloquially referred to as "marrying up") is the act or practice of marrying a spouse of higher caste or status than oneself.[1]...The term is often used more specifically in reference to a perceived tendency among human cultures for females to seek or be encouraged to pursue male suitors that are higher status than themselves, which often manifests itself as being attracted to men who are comparatively older, wealthier or otherwise more privileged than themselves or their current partners.[2] According to evolutionary psychologists, females have evolved a preference for higher status males because they offer their prospective children both "better" genes and greater resources, e.g. food and security. Men, who invest less in their children, have less reason to prefer mates with high social status. Some have even argued that males "marry-down" to ensure that their mates have a higher incentive to remain faithful. (source)

With non-Black women, hypergamy has to do only with wealth, class, privilege. Unfortunately, Black people and Black women have been devalued so much throughout recent history that we have more reason than most non-White women to marry up. Some Black women come from extremely poor and lower class backgrounds and marrying up would help them to leave that poverty. Due to us being Black, some people automatically place us below non-Black women so marrying up would place us at the same level or even above many non-Black women. Because some people devalue Black women they expect us to be satisfied with sub-par men who treat us way worse than they treat non-Black women. Some will even say we are only good enough for Black men so we should not date interracially. We are expected to accept this because supposedly don't deserve any better.

Well people who devalue Black women can go jump off a bridge because I won't let them tell me I deserve less than non-Black women! I'm not going to "settle" for less if non-Black women don't have to. I'm fully behind hypergamy or just marrying someone on your level. Personally for me, I'm not expecting someone to make more money than me, but I'm expecting someone better than what the mainstream or certain Black people expect for Black women. I expect a man who is attractive to me, has good character, has an education, a good career, no criminal record, no band of baby mamas, and a wedding ring for me before I have his children. I will not listen to outsiders who try to convince me and other Black women that we don't deserve those things and we should settle for less.

On my blog I have written about ways that I have tried to improve myself because if you want to marry up then you have to be a high quality woman (I also wanted to improve myself because I just wanted to be the best I could be). To me that doesn't mean a rich or upper class woman, it's about being well-rounded, having useful skills, being attractive, having good manners, and having good character--being the ideal and highly desirable woman. I felt that I needed to improve in some areas so I did it. I think that many women can improve their qualities so that they can marry up too. Some men support hypergamy and some do not. Men who are of high quality and status often condone female hypergamy because they are able to attract the best women, so it benefits them. They seek out high paying careers, work out, dress well, and drive expensive cars because it makes them attractive to women and makes them look better than other men. Because these men are highly valued then they are able to date and marry highly valued women.

On the other hand, men who are of lower quality are opposed to female hypergamy. They will try to convince women to put aside their desire for someone attractive, without a criminal record, with and education and career, without baby mamas, and the possibility of a marriage proposal. They want you to lower your standards and marry down. What's interesting is that these men fully support male hypergamy--dating and marrying women who are way out of their league! These men have little to offer but they go after highly attractive and successful women and feel they deserve these women because they are supposedly "nice guys". Many of these men are jaded because they have been passed over by high quality women due to their below average looks, character, communication skills, wealth, career, and other factors. Many of these men have joined groups to rant about how evil women are or groups focused on learning skills/tricks to get women to think they are of higher quality. This is where the Pick Up Artists (PUAs) come in.

PUAs are men who read and learn tips/tricks from other skilled PUAs about how to pick up women. The PUA masters use their tricks to get many women to sleep with them with no intention of having relationships. Many act as though they want a relationship just to get women into bed. I LOATHE these men and they can be downright misogynists! Their goal is to sleep with attractive women who would never sleep with them if it was not for their game personas and tricks. However, there are also socially awkward or less desirable men who use PUA lessons to make themselves appear more confident, funny, and attractive to women. To me that doesn't sound bad, in fact it sounds a lot like what I write about on my blog and many articles/books about what women can do to become more attractive (everything you have ever read/heard about how to attract/please/keep a man is pretty much female game theory. It teaches you what to do to get/keep a guy by doing things that you would not normally do). These men are trying to improve themselves so that they can get better women so I don't have a problem with that. In real life I have been approached by 4 PUAs. They knew just what to say and they didn't try to get me to sleep with them (2 did get my phone number. The first one told me all about PUAs. I figured out the second one was a PUA the next day. It turned out he was an expert and trained the next 2 guys who approached me!!!) . They were just charming and friendly and we had great conversations. The less experienced PUAs were awkward and shy. I was not attracted to them but they did not seem like bad guys.

So no, I would not look down on a guy who has read PUA material, it would just depend on what his attitude was towards women and what he was looking for. If he thinks women owe him sex and that we are all evil then obviously I want to avoid those guys like the plague. But if the guy thinks he is lacking in the looks and personality department and uses PUA tips/trick to appear more appealing, then that's fine with me (I would be a hypocrite if I looked down on that). I think that it's fine if women and men try to marry up as long as you are not creating an entirely false identity or lying just to get someone in bed or to the wedding chapel. Self-improvement is a great thing but use it for good not evil :)

Related Articles and Websites:

The hypergamy acceptance movement

Equality and the end of marrying up

Research reveals why today's women are marrying down

Marrying up is on it's way down

MPUA Pick up artist forum

PUA forums

What's wrong with PUA (a woman's opinion)

I Think Promiscuous Men are Gross Too

It's puzzling whenever someone says they don't think women should be promiscuous and someone comes out and asks, "why aren't you talking about promiscuous men too, they always get a pass." I think they need to get used to the concept that people often focus on one issue at a time because the circumstances are different so they can not easily be combined with other issues! This is the case with promiscuity, the situation for men and the consequences are different from that of women. Yes, yes, yes it's an unfair double standard but that is today's reality. You can live in reality or fairy tale land, but the rest of the world will not act according to your fairy tale script.

Also, I think that there is a common belief (maybe true maybe false) that women are more able to control their sex drive than men (e.g., studies that say men think about sex every 15 seconds). There is this belief that men are more easily aroused and able to have sex with someone without any intimacy. These ideas may be wrong but most people believe this. Therefore it makes sense that people would try to talk to women if they feel women are more capable of saying no. It reminds me of the debate over having birth control pills for men, many women don't want it because they don't trust men to actually use it. Well, many people don't trust men to be able to say no to promiscuous women but they know women often turn down promiscuous men. So they instead try to convince women to not be promiscuous and to say no to men instead of the reverse.

More importantly, promiscuous men don't always get a pass, especially not with women.Why are you ignoring all the women who are turned off and upset with promiscuous men? Do they not count? Just because some men think these guys are cool that fact that most women don't means nothing? Stop saying men always get a pass for sleeping around because that is absolutely not true because many women don't like it. Just as men don't want relationships with promiscuous women, women don't want relationships with promiscuous men!

These are the reasons why I think promiscuous men are gross and I don't want to hang out with them or date them:

1. Promiscuous men are only interested in you for sex. They don't care about you as a human being and they just want to use you for their needs. They are no better than someone who wants to use you for your money. They see you as a sex object and not a human being with feelings (or they just don't care about your feelings). They have no respect for you. This is just cold and heartless and who wants to associate with such a person.
2. Promiscuous men will pretend they want a relationship with you but really they only want sex. They will talk about your future together, flatter you, and make you hopeful but it is all an act. They are con artists and pick up artists. Many use the same lines on different women once they come up with a winning routine. They are liars and fakes. They entice girls with the promise of a relationship (what these women want) but dump them once they get sex (what these men really want). It's like agreeing to purchase something from a salesman and they give you an entirely different product.
3. Promiscuous men pressure and beg women to do something they don't want to do. They are specially skilled in convincing women that it's okay to have sex with them because everyone is doing it (lie), it's not a big deal (lie), it will be great (often a lie), and it's normal (entirely subjective). These men will pressure, beg, and push and push until women give in to what they initially said no to. They are the ultimate peer pressurers and manipulators. This is why it's hard to even be friends with promiscuous men because, especially when you are alone, they will try to have sex with you when you aren't even expecting it. You don't feel safe and relaxed around them because they are scheming to get you into bed. Beware of the types who keep trying to get you drunk, it's so that your inhibitions are lowered and you will give in to their pressure. They can be borderline rapists sometimes because they don't care about you and want sex from you no matter what.
4. Promiscuous men are irresponsible because some get women pregnant, don't care if they have gotten women pregnant, or don't know if they have multiple children walking around. This is being totally irresponsible and indifferent. Many of these promiscuous men don't like to wear condoms I guess because they are so wrapped up in how good sex feels without one. I wish I could find the article, but there was one about three men who had 100 children combined and did not pay child support for any of them. In the news interview some of the women did not know the other women existed. Sometimes if you ask a man if he has any kids he will joke, "not that I know of", well YOU SHOULD KNOW and it's not a joke! I think that condoning the promiscuity of men and men just using women as sex objects is a major reason why there are so many out of wedlock children. The men did not bother to get to know or become emotionally attached to the mothers and since they only wanted sex, their responsibility ended after the sex act. It doesn't matter to them if a child was a result since they did not plan on making a child.
5. Promiscuous men are often cheaters. They lie to women and pretend they are monogamous but they are sleeping with other women. These men do not make good partners because one woman can never satisfy them. So they lie and cheat. This endangers the women if he catches an STD. It ruins relationships all the time and often the man will say, "It was just sex. It didn't mean anything." When feminists argue that sex is no big deal then men can use this excuse when they cheat. If I know a man has had many sex partners I don't trust him and will not date him. The man has shown that he has a huge sexual appetite and has needed sex with many women. How can he possibly be satisfied with one woman? Plus, since he has had sex so many times he may be way more experienced than you so you will not satisfy him. Or he may have a preference for inexperienced women and once you sleep with him enough you will no longer be "innocent" enough for him. Either way, no one will convince me that a guy who has slept with over 100 women, often in one night stands, will be satisfied with one woman for a long period of time. I just won't trust such a man. 
6. Promiscuous men will not protect you from lecherous men. They see this as interfering with another man's "game". So these men will sit back and watch you get harassed or even worse and never interfere. These men will not stand up and say their friend should not cheat, take home some girl from the bar, use a girl for sex and dump her etc. You do not want your man to hang out with such men because they will condone and maybe even pressure your man to be as promiscuous as they are. Promiscuous men peer pressure other men to just use women for sex. They make fun of men who don't want to approach a woman and who have few sex partners. 
7. Promiscuous men often brag about their sex partners and can ruin a woman's reputation. You can not trust these men to keep quiet and although they had sex with you, they will tell others that you are a slut and turn them against you. These men have no respect for you because you had sex with them! So they have no problem telling the world about what you did and how awful you are for doing it. Do you remember John Mayer and how embarrassed Jessica Simpson was when he talked about having sex with her? Well this happens with celebrities and regular people all the time. If someone just sees you as a sex object then they don't care to protect your reputation and they will tell everyone what it was like to have sex with you. He may even encourage his friends to sleep with you so you will be "passed around". If you want a bad reputation, sleep with a promiscuous man. Promiscuous men also develop a reputation and are often called "players" or "playboys". Concerned people warn women not to date them and no one takes their relationships seriously. Their girlfriends will always be suspicious and accusing them of cheating so there will be no trust. Other men will not want these men around their women. People are surprised when promiscuous men have relationships and get married, they expect the man to cheat, and are not surprised when it happens (e.g., Kobe Bryant). 
8. Promiscuous men send the message to other men that being promiscuous is fantastic. These men will brag about how much sex they have had with different women. They will act as though this makes them better and happier than other men and some men will actually believe them. Other men will then think that the reason why they are unhappy is because they are not having lots of casual sex. So they will try to do so by lying to girls to get sex and using them as sex objects. There is a whole pick up artist (PUA) community including books, videos, seminars, and online forums dedicated to the purpose of tricking or attracting women for sex. You will probably be disgusted by many of their techniques and stories. Some of these men may actually want relationships, but the PUA role models are looked up to due to the high numbers of sex partners and encounters they have had, not for their relationships. Unfortunately, according to studies described on Hooking Up Smart and other sites, neither men or women are usually satisfied with just having sexual relationships. So these men may not be happy in the long run, especially if they end up with an STD or an unwanted baby to support. Promiscuous men downplay the positives about having relationships in favour of casual sex encounters for men. This makes it difficult for women to find men who want to have relationships and get married. 
9. Promiscuous men make other men look bad. After several experiences with promiscuous men who pretend they like you but only want sex, you may start to believe that all men are that way. You will become suspicious that when men talk about having a relationship with you and think it is just a lie to get you in bed. Then you become less trusting and open when a genuine nice guy comes around. This is what happens when women end up saying, "all men are dogs, cheaters, uncaring, and only in it for sex." Promiscuous and cheating men create these women and their innocence and openness is lost. They create bitter women. You feel like an idiot when a man tells you everything you dreamed of hearing , you give yourself to him, and he just dumps you because it was all a lie. Since you don't want this to happen again you are suspicious of every other man you know and every man you meet. This makes is harder for nice guys to get into relationships and it makes women cold towards them. So promiscuous men make it hard for men and women to start and maintain trusting relationships. When men cheat, women become suspicious of their future partners and this leads to paranoia and fights over those suspicions too. 

So as you can see I have many reasons why I think promiscuity should not be encourage or practiced by men too. In fact, I think that men being promiscuous is probably more harmful for society. Women trying to be like these men will just intensify the problem. If it's okay for women to be promiscuous then men will take advantage of that and be even more promiscuous. So I think it's best to discourage promiscuity for women AND men. Only a small minority prefer one night stands and friends with benefits to being in relationships. I would rather focus on making relationship-oriented people feel comfortable with their choice than worry about shaming the minority of people who choose to be promiscuous only for the pleasure (not due to peer pressure, low self-esteem, childhood abuse, trying to get a relationship etc.). So no, I do not support everyone's lifestyle choice and I don't have to. I disapprove of promiscuous men just as much as promiscuous women.