Women who Belittle Men Who Prefer Feminine Women

First I have to say that I think many BW are very feminine but of course many are not. Anytime a study comes out saying something comparing BW to other women REMEMBER, these are based on the OPINIONS and PREFERENCES of study participants (anywhere from 10-1000 or more people) not every living human being. Sometimes the participants are not even aware of their preferences (e.g., what a questionnaire indicates a person prefers may be different from what they say out loud) so the study may indicate they don't prefer BW but they may find many attractive, have dated them, and could fall in love with  specific BW. It is not a conspiracy to study such issues. Usually a researcher or student gets a grant or needs to complete a study to get their degree. So they think of something that interests them, their supervisor, or the funding agency. They include race because previous studies included race and it's pretty standard. In fact, studying anything without trying to include different races would be exclusionary and biased because it would be using White people as the norm. If there are significant results related to race then they discuss them in relation to similar previous findings or make up their own theory. With a lot of this research there is no government decision that society needs these studies (e.g., studies about BW dating) but someone is just curious about dating and unfortunately finds results that are not flattering for BW. REMEMBER these studies are done all the time and for every one you hear about there were probably 1000s that you didn't hear about, didn't have the same results, or were flawed. Also, if you are a feminine BW then this post is not about you. Now on to my post :)

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Today I read a very interesting post HERE about a study showing that the study participants tended to rate Black people (men and women) as being more masculine and Asian people (men and women) as being more feminine. Also men who had strong preferences for feminine women preferred Asian women over BW. The results did not say that all humans on earth think that all BW are 100% masculine compared to all other women on earth so no need to freak out. We've heard it before, it's nothing new. But what I find interesting are the comments! It made me wonder how many times people have to repeat a criticism before someone will listen. I don't believe that merely being a woman makes you feminine and that anything a woman does must therefore be feminine (e.g., Julie shaves her beard therefore facial shaving and having a beard is feminine. Ridiculous right?). I also don't bother with those arguments that having dark skin is what makes the average Western person think BW are more masculine because that is rarely why people voice the criticism. They say it because of the woman's behaviour, demeanor, feminine facial features and hair, body, clothing, interests, voice etc (e.g., Rosie O'Donnell is not more feminine than Naomi Campbell or Kerry Washington). This 'BW are too hard criticism' plays out like this one (I'll use bad body odour as an example):

Father says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, all women have smelled like this since the 60s.
Grandma says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, women today smell different, you're too old fashioned.
Classmate: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not used to my unique scent.
Friend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: You're just jealous that you don't smell like me and you never will.
Guy on the street says: Miss you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just mad because I don't want you. You don't even know what it means to smell good.
Boyfriend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not a real man so you can't handle the way a real woman smells.
Group of 60 random people say: Tia you smell.
Tia says: No I don't this is a conspiracy to keep me down. 

How many times do different people, even those who care about you, have to voice the same criticism before you consider, 'Hmmm, maybe I do smell worse than other women. Maybe I need to start using deodorant soap, mouthwash, scented lotion, perfume, scented detergent, and better smelling products. Maybe I even need to see a doctor. If all of these people say I smell then maybe I do!' Or one can argue and end up smelly, undesirable, and alone. Now just substitute the "smell bad" part with "are too masculine". BW will fight this tooth and nail and deny, deny, DENY that anything about them is any less than the epitome of femininity. Well maybe your idea of femininity is pretty much everyone else's idea of masculinity! You are mixed up and need to find out what other people mean when they say feminine and masculine.

I just don't understand it. Well I'm guessing that of course people don't like being criticized so it is a defense mechanism. So they will talk about why their masculine traits aren't really masculine, every woman has them, there is something wrong with women who are more feminine (e.g., weak, doormats, ugly, vapid, don't carry themselves well etc.), and of course a vast conspiracy against Black women. The denials will rely on some of the examples above, slavery, racism, and frequently the accusation that there is something deficient about the men who prize women who are ultra feminine! The common statement is that men who want traditionally feminine women (e.g., men who want Asian women) are weak so they want a weak woman to control since, according to the commenter being very feminine means being very weak and docile. Oh yes, they think Asian women are weak. Well I'd rather be weak, happily married, placed on a pedestal, and seen as the ideal woman than being strong and having none of that. Are these 'real men' really that into women like you or would they actually prefer feminine women too? Feminine women are just attractive to most heterosexual men and masculine women are not attractive to most heterosexual men. There is nothing wrong with men who want feminine women.

It's really interesting hearing women insult these men since based on their preference, the men are not ambiguous about their sexual preference. On the other hand, if a man said he wanted a strong woman to tell him want to do, wear the pants, who looked and acted very masculine I'd wonder if he wouldn't rather be with a man. I would think that this individual is less masculine and more like a woman. Also for very masculine women, what kind of men do they end up with? I haven't read the study on that one. I wonder how good or long their relationships are when compared to feminine women. Are their men great catches or do they have to settle for whoever will take them? If a woman decided to change and become more feminine would she be happier with the type of partner she ends up with?

I think it's time to forget about all the conspiracies and historical references because the average person saying a specific BW is masculine isn't thinking about those things. They (like most people) have ideas of what  characterizes a feminine woman and a masculine man and when a woman has a lot in common with this masculine man idea then that woman is labeled "masculine". It's like that game, 'One of these things doesn't belong'... among other women the masculine ones just stand out. No need to watch Roots or take a gender studies class to see the difference, a child could see it. I think that some men have to just face the truth that they don't line up well with the masculine ideal just as some women have to face the truth that they don't line up well with the feminine ideal. That does not mean that there is something wrong with people who prefer those ideals...that's why they are called 'ideals' in the first place.

I think the reason for me writing the post is for BW to take a self-examination of their feminine and masculine traits. Read a description of a feminine woman and a masculine man and see who you share more traits with. If you share a lot of traits with the man then you are more masculine, if you share very few then you are more feminine. If you are so great then accept that you are a masculine woman and understand that many people also think you are a masculine woman. Men are not less than real men if you are not attractive to them. You just are not their type and they are not your type either. But if you want other people to think that you are very feminine then....look and act more feminine! You may have to just do more, more than other women, if you don't want to be stereotyped as masculine. Obviously if studies like this bother you so much you actually do want to be more feminine. All BW can do to make the world see us as being more feminine is to just be more feminine. Easiest solution and the most logical.

The Great Self-Improvement Debate

You may have noticed some of the negative critiques of my blog and goal to become an EBW. You may have experienced similar negative comments if you are attempting to become more feminine or undertaking any self-improvement journey. I thought it would be useful to myself and hopefully others to present a series of arguments for and against my goals. This will not only help me fully understand and accept my reasons for doing this but it will also demonstrate that I can see the points of those who are critical. The first installment will be The Great Self-Improvement Debate!

Every individual is unique and the way they view the world and others depends on so many factors including: genetics, place of origin, early childhood and lifelong experiences, parent and community socialization (e.g., teaching how to be the ideal member of a gender or "race"), culturally-transmitted views, religion, current events, media consumption, education, intelligence, personality, mental health, career choice, socio-economic status (SES), friends, and individual preferences. I'm sure there are other factors but that is a long list of things that can result in two people reading, seeing, or hearing the same thing and having completely different reactions!

I think that the ideal woman is understanding, compassionate, caring, intelligent, patient, and a good communicator and these traits require that she accepts that all of these variables may influence her reactions and those of others. This means that given an individual's variables (e.g., place of origin, SES, parent socialization etc.) it is understandable that the person thinks the way they do. It is therefore unwise (and just mean) to label someone as stupid, wrong, part of the problem, a traitor, lost, confused, inferior and other ad hominem attacks just because they think a certain way. Given their circumstances their thinking makes sense and will appear "correct" to most people with the same circumstances!

Attacking a person's character based on their opinions or preferences is not only illogical but it makes you an unpleasant person to be around! Others will limit their communication with you if you have a bad habit of calling them names, putting them down, and using ad hominem attacks when they state their views and preferences. A more ladylike thing to do is listen, state your agreement or disagreement based on the topic of discussion, keep your composure, and refrain from insulting the person's character. You may agree or disagree with the person at the moment, but changes in your circumstances (e.g., learning a great deal, living in another country) may result in you flip-flopping and agreeing with something you were once vehemently against! That is fine because it makes no sense to continue believing the same thing after learning new information that changes the situation.

I see most things as being shades of grey not either black or white and most things are neither entirely right or absolutely wrong. Many people are VERY uncomfortable with this uncertainty and are only able to use dichotomous thinking. What's perfect in some situations is inappropriate in others, what you love today you may hate tomorrow, the best solution may be the hardest, the worst solution may be the most acceptable to others and so on. So I think that for myself and others who see the value of becoming an EBW it is important to consider that your opinions and preferences may appear logical and healthy to some but irrational and harmful to others. Therefore don't become weighed down by that possibility and instead focus on whether your opinions and preferences are beneficial to you and will make your life better. You will never please everyone with your opinions and preferences so don't even try but at least you can be pleased with yourself.

With that said I will present arguments for and against trying to improve oneself and a solution that may satisfy anyone who is for or against self-improvement. Certain important assumptions are made within the arguments (boldfaced) but the assumptions are not always true, there possible exceptions, and they are debatable themselves.

Pro: Why Attempting Self-Improvement is a Positive Thing

1. Not seeking to improve oneself is settling for being mediocre. Many people are unhappy being mediocre and feel happier after they have improved. Improvement increases happiness.
2. Those who constantly improve themselves by learning more, seeking higher education, networking with new people, looking for ways to earn more money, seeking promotions and career advancement, learning to cope better with their's problems and shortcomings, learning how to improve their's thinking, or learning how to improve their image tend to reap the best rewards in life. 
3. If you want a good life you have to work for it. Resources are limited and there is competition (e.g., scholarships, good jobs, loans, desirable partners) so you have to be better than others in order to reap the best rewards. 
4. Self-improvement involves deep introspection about one's personal goals, where one can improve, and learning many possible methods to improve and achieve those goals. High achievers, successful people, motivated people, and those who wish to improve their circumstances all go through these processes on a regular basis in order to maintain their position at the top or achieve a higher status. If one wants to be a high achiever or successful they should emulate people who have achieved that status.
5. Low achievers, unsuccessful people, unmotivated people and those without means rarely go through the self-improvement process, do not understand it's value, may expect success and goals to be achieved without effort, expect other people to provide what they need, or believe that they have no power to improve their status. If you reject self-improvement you may stay or become a low achiever or unsuccessful person. 
6. Individuals are opposed to the self-improvement goals of others due to personal reasons such as: beliefs the goals are unattainable; concern for others wasting their time or that the improvement will not bring happiness; fear that achieving the goal may harm the individual, the observer, or others; fears of feeling insecure or left behind if others improve; and fear that one will lose status or certain benefits if others improve. (This is an ad hominem attack so although I would not use this in a debate, one should be wary that personal reasons may be behind the opposition).

Con: Why Attempting Self-Improvement is a Negative Thing

1. There is no need to try to improve yourself because you are your best self right now and perfect the way you are. Someone will accept you as you are so there is no need to try to change in order to fit in, make friends, or find a partner. Trying to improve or change means you think there is something wrong with you and you are not good enough. No one is better than anyone else. You may admire someone else but that individual may be very unhappy with themselves and wish to be more like you (i.e., the grass is always greener on the other side).  
2. Once you achieve one goal you will move on to another and never stop and just enjoy yourself and your life as it is. Especially if the improvement is something superficial (e.g., appearance, speech) then you will waste time that you could be spending doing something else that is more important. Desire is the source of unhappiness. You may spend a lot of time and energy trying to improve but fail anyways because societal forces and luck determine success more than individual effort.
3. Improving may bring on new problems (e.g., financial drain, lack of free time, negative attention) that you didn't have to deal with before. You may regret the changes you made but won't be able to go back to where you were before. 
4. People don't really change. You are who who always will be. So trying to improve means you are trying to be someone you are not and that is being fake. Fake people are unpleasant to be around and you won't feel good about yourself. People won't really be liking you for you so your relationships will be based on a lie.
5. The malicious influence of society makes you feel like you should change or you are not good enough. Society makes you want to conform to the majority and what those in power want, not out of concern for you, but so that the status quo remains, they maintain their power, and you spend money. It is a form of social control that is harmful to the individual. So if you try to change yourself then you are just caving in to society's pressure and allowing yourself to be unfairly manipulated and distracted from important things.
6. People should try to be satisfied with themselves and their lives as they are now. Happiness is in the eye of the beholder and it's your thoughts that make you unhappy not your current situation. If you could learn to think more positively about your past, present, and future then you could be happier without needing to change yourself (note that learning implies change lol). 
7. People try to improve because they have personal issues. They are unsatisfied with themselves, have self-hate and low self-esteem, think other people are better, or they are confused about who they are. They are actually feeling sad so they set self-improvement goals in the hopes of becoming happier. People with high self-esteem accept themselves and don't feel the need to change. (These are ad hominem attacks that should not be used in debates but for some people they may be true but not for others). 

Solution
My solution to this debate is a blend of considerations based on all of these arguments and I consider both sides. However, I am more partial to the Pro side probably due to personal reasons. For instance, the Pro side fits with my educational teachings, I believe more that effort and hard work can achieve things despite luck or privilege, I believe that I have power and control over my life, I have achieved a lot so I expect that I can achieve more and be successful, the people I know have improved their lives, I don't feel pressure offline in Canada not to improve, and I don't see much harm in my goals. I believe people are constantly changing, I think that people may be sure of their preferences and opinions but never fully understand why they developed them (i.e., one never really knows oneself), and we are always conforming to something, even the attitude that one should never conform. My solution or mental resolution is the following:

Accept yourself as you are now, forgive your shortcomings, and realize that there are great things about you just the way you are. Also accept that you have personal power to improve your life and there is nothing wrong with doing so. Every experience changes parts of us while others stay the same. Success may be due to luck or hard work. You may feel societal pressure to do some things, but not others, and actually not mind conforming and that is okay. Everything you do does not have to be a form of protest and sometimes what the masses do and like can be quite satisfying and beneficial (otherwise no one would accept it). The old you and the new you may be different but you can accept them both as parts of who you are. Your identity does not change so no matter what, YOU will always be YOU, so there is no need to resist trying new things or doing things differently. What you like, how you look, what you think, and how you behave may constantly change but YOU will always be YOU. No one is entirely good or bad, self-loving or self-hating, successful or unsuccessful so whatever you do, own it, accept it, and try to find happiness however you can :)

Related Articles:
What is self-help/self-improvement and it's history
Forget positive thinking, try positive action (great)
It's never too late to change your life (so appropriate)
7 Habits of unhappy people (sound familiar?)
7 Habits of highly ineffective people
How to not care too much about what other people think about you
Pick The Brain self-improvement site
Self Help Zone
Just found this post that I think is appropriate called Black Girls Do Everything. I have to post this quote from my_reply's comment:

It is definitely a class thing because middle class black people do many of the same things white people do. Upper income black people do many of the things upper income white people do. The bad thing is that since the black underclass is glorified in hip hop culture, many people see no reason to move up the social ladder. There are middle class and upper income black people emulating the black underclass. They think that they have to do so to act black. This is bad because it encourages middle class black people that we need so much to become more insular. The black underclass should be emulating the black middle class. White people make fun of low class white people and celebrate middle class white people. Black people make fun of middle class black people who don’t speak Ebonics and are productive members of society while celebrating the black underclass.

Contradictions and Dangerous Messages

Things have become so twisted! Things that were once considered "common sense, "normal", and "reasonable" are regarded as abnormal and totally untrue by many Western people. I think that if you want to save yourself, succeed, and live a great life you need to limit your interactions to people who have the same viewpoints and only listen to advice from people who are actually successful and leading great lives. We need to only listen to the advice of successful and happy people who have achieved what we want or value the things we want to achieve.

Anyone else is a confusing distraction that may derail your common sense and stop you from protecting yourself. I don't think the people who make the suspect/hypocritical comments are malicious or stupid. I just think that when you are swimming in the mess it is too stressful and emotional to see the easier way out. Sticking to self-defeating and hypocritical beliefs is a defense mechanism to protect their self-esteem. Some of them will eventually figure out how to get out of their own way but unfortunately many will not. Please take the time to think about the major choices you make in your life, the reasons why you made the choice (they may be unconscious and impossible to know unfortunately), the benefits, and the drawbacks. Only after thorough introspection can you decide to change or stay the same. Whatever you decide, you are responsible for your choice and must live with the positive or negative consequences. You have choices!

We can choose to be whatever women we want to be and I thank Feminism for that. There is no lifestyle or fashion choice that does not  make a statement or trigger stereotypes in other people and this is largely beyond their control. Whatever choice you make there will be consequences that may be unpleasant and unfair. Your desire to be free of judgement/harm is not a protective bubble that can shield you from that judgment/harm. Choose wisely and put your safety above your need to not offend others because you are ultimately the only one responsible for your own safety. Failing to protect yourself will end up hurting you more than anyone else. Focus on the things you can actually control and you can control many things in your life.

If the following public statements below are said in Western countries (especially in the Black community) the speaker may be called a stupid idiot who can not think for themselves, a mindless tool of patriarchy, or a white-washed sell-out when to me they are just normal things or common sense:

A. "I only wear dresses."  -said by woman in vintage dress, found in a tiny thrift store, that no one else in the room is wearing.
"Why are you such a mindless follower? A woman can wear anything she wants now!" -said by woman in jeans and T-shirt, bought at WalMart, dressed like everyone else in the room.

B. "I really want to get married."
"There is no reason to get married it's 2012!" -Note that wanting to get married and getting married has been THE NORM all over the world for hundreds of years yet it is dismissed as useless. People have been doing something for hundreds of years for no good reason and it has never benefited anyone?

C. "I really want to have children."
"Women were not put on this earth to be baby factories!" -The only way to continue the human race is to produce children, it is the only way to pass on your genes, and women are the only people capable of giving birth. You can opt out but someone has to do it. Should your mother have opted out?

D. "Education is very important to me and there are many benefits of an education." - said by woman with Master's degree who's parents both have degrees.
"Institutionalized education is useless. Street knowledge is more important. Your education means nothing to me and anyone who wastes time with that is stupid" -said by man with no university education, who's parents never went to university, asking the woman for a date. Why are you judging the value of something you have NO EXPERIENCE with? Why would she want someone who thinks she's stupid and doesn't have the same values?

E. "I like doing things to please my man and he really appreciates it." -said by woman in happy relationship.
"You shouldn't have to do anything to please anyone else! Just be yourself!" - said by woman who's last boyfriend dumped her because she had a bad attitude, constantly started arguments, and said she did not need him." Why exactly would someone be with you when the experience is miserable instead of pleasurable?

F. "I want to lose some weight so that I can be more attractive, become healthier, and live a long life." -said by woman who is 20 pounds overweight according to medical standards.

"You can be fit and fat. Big can be beautiful so you shouldn't do anything!" -sadly said by obese woman, struggling with high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, difficulty walking, and low self-esteem.

G. "I refuse to listen to hip hop music because it degrades Black men and women and spreads negative stereotypes about us." -said by man in business suit listening to Maxwell (neo soul).

"You are a sell-out! You hate Black people! You are a tool of the racist White man!" -says man blaring music lyrics calling women "h***", men "n******", bragging about the respect one gets for being a "gangsta" (i.e., criminal), produced by Sony (White owned company). Listening to and buying hip hop and dressing like a "gangsta" is a great way to help Black people and reduce stereotyping? I guess we should forget about showing the world we are intelligent, educated, law-abiding, moral, respectable, friendly, easy to get along with and JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? Silly me, I forgot that we aren't supposed to do anything that would please anyone else even if these qualities are considered NORMAL, DESIRABLE to society, and BENEFICIAL to those possessing these qualities.

H. "You just have to ignore the negativity, focus on achieving your success goals using the resources that are available to you, and protect yourself from harm the best you can." -said by man with successful, self-started business that used his earnings to move to a crime-free neighborhood.

"There is nothing an individual can do. The world is against us. We need to pressure other people to sacrifice their own well-being to save us because it is their fault we are here. We can not save or protect ourselves so we should not even try to." -sadly said by Black and Feminist activists demanding empowerment. What if everyone refuses to save or protect us? What should we do then?