Women who Belittle Men Who Prefer Feminine Women

First I have to say that I think many BW are very feminine but of course many are not. Anytime a study comes out saying something comparing BW to other women REMEMBER, these are based on the OPINIONS and PREFERENCES of study participants (anywhere from 10-1000 or more people) not every living human being. Sometimes the participants are not even aware of their preferences (e.g., what a questionnaire indicates a person prefers may be different from what they say out loud) so the study may indicate they don't prefer BW but they may find many attractive, have dated them, and could fall in love with  specific BW. It is not a conspiracy to study such issues. Usually a researcher or student gets a grant or needs to complete a study to get their degree. So they think of something that interests them, their supervisor, or the funding agency. They include race because previous studies included race and it's pretty standard. In fact, studying anything without trying to include different races would be exclusionary and biased because it would be using White people as the norm. If there are significant results related to race then they discuss them in relation to similar previous findings or make up their own theory. With a lot of this research there is no government decision that society needs these studies (e.g., studies about BW dating) but someone is just curious about dating and unfortunately finds results that are not flattering for BW. REMEMBER these studies are done all the time and for every one you hear about there were probably 1000s that you didn't hear about, didn't have the same results, or were flawed. Also, if you are a feminine BW then this post is not about you. Now on to my post :)

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Today I read a very interesting post HERE about a study showing that the study participants tended to rate Black people (men and women) as being more masculine and Asian people (men and women) as being more feminine. Also men who had strong preferences for feminine women preferred Asian women over BW. The results did not say that all humans on earth think that all BW are 100% masculine compared to all other women on earth so no need to freak out. We've heard it before, it's nothing new. But what I find interesting are the comments! It made me wonder how many times people have to repeat a criticism before someone will listen. I don't believe that merely being a woman makes you feminine and that anything a woman does must therefore be feminine (e.g., Julie shaves her beard therefore facial shaving and having a beard is feminine. Ridiculous right?). I also don't bother with those arguments that having dark skin is what makes the average Western person think BW are more masculine because that is rarely why people voice the criticism. They say it because of the woman's behaviour, demeanor, feminine facial features and hair, body, clothing, interests, voice etc (e.g., Rosie O'Donnell is not more feminine than Naomi Campbell or Kerry Washington). This 'BW are too hard criticism' plays out like this one (I'll use bad body odour as an example):

Father says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, all women have smelled like this since the 60s.
Grandma says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, women today smell different, you're too old fashioned.
Classmate: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not used to my unique scent.
Friend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: You're just jealous that you don't smell like me and you never will.
Guy on the street says: Miss you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just mad because I don't want you. You don't even know what it means to smell good.
Boyfriend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not a real man so you can't handle the way a real woman smells.
Group of 60 random people say: Tia you smell.
Tia says: No I don't this is a conspiracy to keep me down. 

How many times do different people, even those who care about you, have to voice the same criticism before you consider, 'Hmmm, maybe I do smell worse than other women. Maybe I need to start using deodorant soap, mouthwash, scented lotion, perfume, scented detergent, and better smelling products. Maybe I even need to see a doctor. If all of these people say I smell then maybe I do!' Or one can argue and end up smelly, undesirable, and alone. Now just substitute the "smell bad" part with "are too masculine". BW will fight this tooth and nail and deny, deny, DENY that anything about them is any less than the epitome of femininity. Well maybe your idea of femininity is pretty much everyone else's idea of masculinity! You are mixed up and need to find out what other people mean when they say feminine and masculine.

I just don't understand it. Well I'm guessing that of course people don't like being criticized so it is a defense mechanism. So they will talk about why their masculine traits aren't really masculine, every woman has them, there is something wrong with women who are more feminine (e.g., weak, doormats, ugly, vapid, don't carry themselves well etc.), and of course a vast conspiracy against Black women. The denials will rely on some of the examples above, slavery, racism, and frequently the accusation that there is something deficient about the men who prize women who are ultra feminine! The common statement is that men who want traditionally feminine women (e.g., men who want Asian women) are weak so they want a weak woman to control since, according to the commenter being very feminine means being very weak and docile. Oh yes, they think Asian women are weak. Well I'd rather be weak, happily married, placed on a pedestal, and seen as the ideal woman than being strong and having none of that. Are these 'real men' really that into women like you or would they actually prefer feminine women too? Feminine women are just attractive to most heterosexual men and masculine women are not attractive to most heterosexual men. There is nothing wrong with men who want feminine women.

It's really interesting hearing women insult these men since based on their preference, the men are not ambiguous about their sexual preference. On the other hand, if a man said he wanted a strong woman to tell him want to do, wear the pants, who looked and acted very masculine I'd wonder if he wouldn't rather be with a man. I would think that this individual is less masculine and more like a woman. Also for very masculine women, what kind of men do they end up with? I haven't read the study on that one. I wonder how good or long their relationships are when compared to feminine women. Are their men great catches or do they have to settle for whoever will take them? If a woman decided to change and become more feminine would she be happier with the type of partner she ends up with?

I think it's time to forget about all the conspiracies and historical references because the average person saying a specific BW is masculine isn't thinking about those things. They (like most people) have ideas of what  characterizes a feminine woman and a masculine man and when a woman has a lot in common with this masculine man idea then that woman is labeled "masculine". It's like that game, 'One of these things doesn't belong'... among other women the masculine ones just stand out. No need to watch Roots or take a gender studies class to see the difference, a child could see it. I think that some men have to just face the truth that they don't line up well with the masculine ideal just as some women have to face the truth that they don't line up well with the feminine ideal. That does not mean that there is something wrong with people who prefer those ideals...that's why they are called 'ideals' in the first place.

I think the reason for me writing the post is for BW to take a self-examination of their feminine and masculine traits. Read a description of a feminine woman and a masculine man and see who you share more traits with. If you share a lot of traits with the man then you are more masculine, if you share very few then you are more feminine. If you are so great then accept that you are a masculine woman and understand that many people also think you are a masculine woman. Men are not less than real men if you are not attractive to them. You just are not their type and they are not your type either. But if you want other people to think that you are very feminine then....look and act more feminine! You may have to just do more, more than other women, if you don't want to be stereotyped as masculine. Obviously if studies like this bother you so much you actually do want to be more feminine. All BW can do to make the world see us as being more feminine is to just be more feminine. Easiest solution and the most logical.

Should Women Act Like Men to Get Ahead?

I read a bunch of articles about why women should act like men and they are posted below. Basically what these articles are saying is that it's better for women to act like women at work by using their emotional intelligence and abilities to get along with others! It may help them though to act like men in terms of negotiating their salaries before taking a job, exaggerating their accomplishments, and asking for raises and promotions. When women try to act like men to get ahead at work they are punished for violating gender norms by not being liked and not getting promotions (i.e., others think they are weird and they don't fit in). As one article mentioned it is better to show feminine and masculine traits when necessary at work and not behave the same way all the time. The articles seem to encourage being feminine but using those traits to be a new kind of emotionally-aware feminine leader. This is very pro-woman because it does not hold men's leadership styles as being the ideal and only way to be a leader and finds value in the way women do things. It also shows that some great male leaders sow traits that are usually labeled "feminine" (e.g., caring, cooperative, nurturing, kind etc.). This is the perfect example of where someone theorizes that something will be better (i.e., for women to be successful they have to stop acting like women and do what successful men do, it's just common sense) only to discover that in real life, and evidenced by research, it doesn't work!

But I have to note that all of these articles are about being successful as CEOs, managers, or in business environments where you are competing with others. These are jobs where you may have to work very long hours with great pressure and competition to climb the corporate ladder. But many women work in fields where they are not competing to make the best business deals, produce the most, or become leaders. There are some positions were you are rewarded for great social skills with customers or coworkers, where you are rewarded based on seniority not competition (just doing well enough and not getting fired will bring rewards), or everyone is at the same level and working somewhat independently. So these jobs are very different from someone on Wall Street who is competing for deals with other employees and trying to become the head of a company. So other than asking for salaries, raises, and promotions and boasting about achievements what is the benefit of women in these other fields acting like men? What if you don't work for a corporation or want to climb the corporate ladder at all?

I don't want to climb a corporate ladder but it's fine if others want to. I have my degree and designation so I just have to find a job and do it efficiently. I don't plan on becoming the head of the place where I work because that will entail more time, stress, and responsibility than I am willing to take on. I just want to work 9 to 5 and go home to a loving family. I don't plan on conquering the world or getting in the spotlight because that was more of a school thing and I'm done with that stress. My education will bring me respect and power and just having my job will do that. I guess I had a long and stressful academic career and now I'm done with it and I want to move on to my actual career with less pressure. I'm satisfied :)

For me, the biggest achievement in my life will be to have two, healthy, successful children and a long and happy marriage! Yes I'm serious. Having children period will be an achievement because many people can't do that and passing on genes is success from a genetic and evolutionary standpoint. Having healthy, well-behaved, well-liked, and successful children will also be a great achievement not just because I will love being around them. It's an achievement because so many people fail with these things including highly successful and influential people! I mean there are people who influence millions and own millions yet they can't keep their kids off drugs and out of jail (e.g., Paris Hilton)! They will be good kids because I passed on good genes and I raised them to be that way (of course they are the one's who chose to act like good kids. No I don't plan to live through them or be a crazy controlling mom). If I am able to produce children and they turn out well...I admit, that will make me feel better than many people way more than being in charge of a company or winning awards.

Furthermore, look at how much admiration society gives to couples who have been married for a long time! Those people are admired because they were able to do what so many successful and influential people have been unable to do--maintain a long marriage and intact family. People say these couples are lucky to have found love with someone compatible, dedicated to making things work, and it's assumed that the woman is a good wife and the man is a good husband. They must have good relationship skills or just have something that keeps the other person around (can't say the same for MANY beautiful and successful people like Tiger Woods, Halle Berry, Heidi Clum, Tom Cruise and so many "regular people" too). Great kids and lasting and loving marriage are status symbols that actually love you back, keep you company, enrich your life, take care of you, and keep your legacy going. These are things no house, car, job, or degree can ever do. For these reasons my family will be my #1 priority not my job. The jobs of wife and mother are for life. Just think about this, if you lost your job one day you might be devastated, feel depressed, and think the world isn't fair but you can get another job, maybe even a better one. But what if one day you lost your husband and kids...that would be much worse and that is why they are always more important than your job. They can never be replaced with the same people you love and that is why they should always be the most important parts of your life.

Articles: 

1. Don't want to be harassed? Stop acting like a man
2. Should women act like men to fit in? (maybe if you want to be a CEO on a boards full of men, but if not why bother? Why is acting like a man to be successful at work ok but being more ladylike to be successful with men is called fake? I mean you live, sleep, and procreate with your man not your job. Shouldn't you train and improve your skills to fulfill the more important job of wife? Yes there are good wife and good husband skills that some people just don't have. If just being yourself was enough then everyone would be married and there would be no divorce)
3. Should women act like men to get on?
4. Should women act like men to get ahead? (interesting to note that 57% of men but only 7% of women in the study negotiated their salaries when hired...maybe that's why some men earn more? Article encourages women to exaggerate their accomplishments)
5. When a woman should act like a man (so women who act like men are seen as more competent but deficient in social skills so they are less liked and promoted. The most effective women used masculine traits when necessary but not all the time and this requires self-monitoring/self-control and not just "being yourself")
6. For women it doesn't pay to be nice (being agreeable pays less but working hard pays more. I'd rather make less, get along, and go home to a loving family than earn more, not have friends, and work 80 hours a week. I choose less stress and more sleep and free time over money)
7. Do you have to act like a man to succeed in business? (women should embrace their natural emotional intelligence)
8. Worst advice for women: Act like men
9. Secret of successful women is femininity: (women who take aggressive approach at work less likely to be promoted, very interesting! "The bossy women who made a conscious effort not to appear too threatening by ‘self-monitoring’ their behaviour had done better than those who had carried on regardless.")
10. Is there an advantage to thinking like a man? (opinion piece)
11. The next-generation of female leaders will emerge at a faster pace when women stop trying to 'act like men': I want to know why acting like men is seen as so great and I want an answer to this question as well, "But this is what I, the next-generation thirty-year-old female that I am, would like to know: by denouncing femininity within the workplace - in lieu of simply encouraging leadership skills - are we making things more difficult for the next generation of female leaders who are comfortable within their own skin? Can women be themselves and become leaders?"
12. Why don't women act more like men at work?
13. The essence of femininity: LOVE THIS POST!!! I agree with everything in this post it is definitely a MUST READ!!! I'm going to post a link to Hooking Up Smart because I have really liked some of their posts.
14. Feminism vs. Feminism (interesting)

HAPPY READING :)

Do Ultra Feminine Women Have Horrible Lives? Part I

I want to start off this post with testimonials from two different women about how their lives improved after they decided to embrace and express their femininity. These women changed their lives because they wanted to and this blog did not inspire their changes. The comments have been condensed a bit but you may follow the links to read the original content. Benefits of being more feminine have been highlighted in pink, negative consequences of being a "strong, independent Black woman" are in blue :)

Testimonial #1: I too used to be considered strong and independent. Even though I looked feminine, I was not treated as such because everyone just assumed I was tough because I'm black. I'm 5'5 and I weigh 110 so guys were initially attracted to me, unfortunately, after a couple months they would leave me. It took me a very long time to figure out where I was going wrong. One day I was at work and one of the girls asked me to lift something heavy, which wasn't a problem at the time because I was used to people asking me to do stuff they would normally ask a guy. That's when it clicked, it was like a light came on in my head. People were treating me as if I were a man. Men liked me but they did not stay with me because I didn't possessed a lot of feminine qualities. They would never buy me jewelry or flowers or take care of things for me. Some of them even expected me to go 50-50 on dates when the bill came. I used to get frustrated because I didn't understand why men treated me differently. My girlfriends were having way better luck than me and I just didn't get it until that moment where I was lifting that heavy box at work. I soon realised that real men didn't like strong independent women, especially strong independent black women.

I decided to put an end to it. I became more girly and feminine and I noticed right away that men were being nicer to me. I was shocked. All I did was acted more feminine and girly. What I would do was watch a bunch of movies (particularly Bollywood movies) where the women were ultra feminine, and I started to mirror their behaviour and mannerism. Suddenly men were buying me things, taking me on expensive trips and helping me with all sorts of things. I felt like they wanted to protect me. The more feminine I became the more men were nice to me.
That was two years ago, now I'm in a happy relationship with a really nice guy who gives me a lot of attention. He takes care of me, and I don't have to work as hard anymore, I just work three days a week because I wanted to keep working so that I can maintain some level of independence. But it's always nice knowing that I don't have to work because I look at my female co-workers and I can tell that they're all over worked and stressed because they are all 'strong independent' women who are single and miserable like I was two years ago. Maria :) (original post)

Testimonial #2: I grew up with my grandmother and she was one of those strong black woman who was forced to take care of 8 kids all by herself after her husband died. She would teach us to be independent because she was alone for so long she forgot what it was like to be a woman.

I use to describe myself as independent and strong but it obviously worked against me when it came to relationships. In my country there are a lot of Indian women who are so feminine and growing up I was teased for trying to be like them. I always admired these women because in my family there were no feminine women to look up to. Eventually I decided to ignore everyone and started being more feminine. Now men are much nicer to me and men of other races find me attractive. They admire my femininity and they want to protect me and take care of me. My quality of life improved a lot and I finally found a really nice guy who enjoys taking care of me and spoiling me. At work my co-workers are jealous of me because I have a wealthy fiance and they can't even get a date. I try to help them but they won't listen, well, at least not yet. But overall, I'm a much happier person. Anonymous (original post)

Everything highlighted in pink is very appealing to me and these are things that many women want. I really don't like experiencing the things highlighted in blue and some women feel the same way. Others seem to actually like the blue items though. But for me, those are very compelling testimonials about why enhancing and expressing femininity may be beneficial to women. But of course these are just two testimonials and I'm wondering if there are testimonials out there saying the exact opposite? I along with others are more convinced by scientific studies, surveys of what many men prefer, and the wisdom of marriage counselors, match makers, and dating experts (who have actually helped and interviewed many people in a systematic way). So, the only way I would be convinced that being more feminine is a bad thing is if these multiple sources say women who are more feminine lead worse lives than those who are more androgynous or masculine. Also, the contradictory evidence has to be more prevalent, unbiased, and credible.

I think that whenever someone feels forced to do something and they have no power to choose then they may be unhappy whether the pressure is to be more feminine or more masculine. It will be easy to point to women who are miserable because they were barred from their desired profession, forced to marry and have kids, or forced to do all housework and I would expect those women to be miserable. But it can be equally miserable if you are forced to do everything yourself, expected to not show emotions, ridiculed for wanting marriage and children, chastised for liking certain fashions, and ridiculed for trying to look good.

I tried to find articles stating women with more feminine traits are disadvantaged in some way but I couldn't find anything and gave up. There were articles that we are all familiar with about disadvantages in society experienced by women in general, but not specifically more feminine women. I did find articles (some with scientific references) that stated some advantages of being feminine and they are posted below. Some of the articles are about what men prefer in women and they are important because they reassure feminine women that their appearance and traits are desirable and can get them the men they want (i.e., unless you want to date and marry women don't listen to them when they tell you to look more masculine).

Of course there are certain traits (e.g., rational thinking, ambition, control over emotions etc.) that are often described as masculine and lead to more success in the workplace, but even feminine women can possess these traits in the workplace. But work is work and you should modify your behavior among family, friends, and potential partners. Certain feminine traits (e.g., openness, good communication skills, cooperation, caring) are also important to success too.  I know that being extremely passive, never taking risks, and being totally dependent can have negative consequences but so can the exact opposite! I do not believe that suddenly women will lose their rights to work, vote, and be treated like human beings if we all start wearing dresses and lipstick, stop swearing, and let men open doors. So unless I see really compelling evidence that looking and acting ultra-feminine (within reason, I mean I don't plan on walking around in a ball gown and tiara lol) will hurt me I will continue to feel secure in my femininity.

Related Articles:
Being flirtatious, not friendly, gets women better deals
You can be a charming woman
Men prefer women with make-up on
How to flirt like a Southern lady and be irresistible
How to be irresistible to men
Why men love feminine women
Do you wonder how to be more feminine?
Interesting article because it proposes that there are drawbacks to certain forms of femininity (i.e., appearing oversexed)- How American women lost their femininity
Testimonial 

I had to post this because I found it interesting since I prefer cute/pretty boys lol -Why women don't want macho men (MUST READ seriously confirms everything I feel, it's almost eerie),  Men with feminine faces more likely to be a hit with women, Why women now prefer Johnny Depp to Sean Connery, and Women prefer feminine men. I do prefer a narrow rather than round face and full lips but I do agree with the images they posted. Maybe my tastes aren't so strange after all lol! I wrote about this in my previous posts Maybe I have a sensitivity to masculinity and Prestigious males are very attractive to me.