My Issue With Slut Shaming

Please watch these two videos. The language may be hard to listen to because there is swearing in the first one, they are talking about sex, and the second video is heartbreaking and talks about rape.







So what is my commentary on slut shaming and these two videos? Some of my comments here are going to be personal and revealing but here goes...Well do you remember when schools, public service announcements, and the media were all about resisting peer pressure and media messages about sex? Remember when they were telling young people to wait to have sex until you were ready, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, and  it's better when you are in a loving relationship? Remember when people warned girls that some guys will just use them for sex so don't give it to them easily? Remember when people warned you to ignore those who said "it's okay, everyone's doing it, it's fun, it's no big deal" and just say "no" if you are uncomfortable with having sex? I wonder what happened to that.

Now, although there are still intellectuals and media campaigns about the dangers of too much sex on TV, the Internet, and advertising there is a new and different message being sent. The message is that its fine, healthy, and normal for women (and men) to have casual sex (sex without a relationship, with strangers, one night stands, friends with benefits) and that this is actually an empowered choice, very fulfilling, and it makes many women very happy. Where did this message come from? Well I think it arose from women who like to have causal sex with multiple partners trying to normalize their behaviour and stop society from making them feel bad about it. So they used arguments about sexism, misogyny, and biology to support their argument that women having casual sex with multiple partners is normal and should be accepted because they apparently enjoy it. They did this so that their lifestyle choices would be accepted. So these women fight slut shaming because it is used to make such women feel bad about their choices...their feelings get hurt when they are called "sluts".

I am more old fashioned I suppose so the warnings and messages of the past (e.g., resist peer pressure, sex is better in a loving relationship etc.) were appropriate for me. I actually wish I was stronger and had been able to resit more of the peer pressure. Let me explain. If after a few dates a guy was to invite me to his place and say "Elegance, I think you are the most amazing woman and I want us to be exclusive. Will you be my girlfriend?" I would be SO HAPPY. This is what I want and this is what I am looking for. Instead I get "let's do it, it's no big deal, you will like it" with no promise or even a discussion of a relationship. In fact I have even gotten "let's do it but I'm still dating other women". I am not happy whatsoever when I am told those things. I feel incredibly disappointed because it is not what I want or what I am looking for. But sometimes I went along with it in the hopes that after a while I would get what I wanted, to be someone's girlfriend. Unfortunately, like many women's experiences, this rarely happened and instead I ended up doing something I didn't even want to do, did not really enjoy or remember, and I never ended up getting what I wanted.

So for me, all the talk about how great sex was and how enjoyable casual sex can be was ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE for me. It was like propaganda saying casual sex was so great when it really wasn't. These pro casual sex messages made it seem as though being a girlfriend was equal to having causal sex in terms of enjoyment, pleasure, and feeling good about myself. To me they are not equivalent! I would rather have numerous boyfriends with minimal sex rather than numerous sexual experiences with minimal boyfriends. But the latter is being promoted by certain modern women as being equally satisfying. It may be to some, but I don't think that most women want this. By fighting to have causal sex be acceptable for women, women who don't enjoy or want casual sex are made to feel like prudes, like they are missing something, and something is wrong with them. Because of this, after a few dates these women consent to have sex (when they don't really want to) without the man having to make any commitment.

They have been convinced that this is the modern way of doing things and it is okay if you end up with 100 sexual partners in a lifetime. The problem with this is that most men are turned off by women who have so many sexual partners! Each time they have casual sex not only are they putting themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancies and diseases, but they are also making themselves less attractive to men who are actually interested in committing to them and these are the men they actually want! So by caving to the pro casual sex messages these women are reducing their chances of having the relationships they actually want. And it's other women who are exerting the pressure, especially feminists! Of course men do this in private because they want to have sex whenever they want but women, especially feminists, are practically doing media campaigns promoting this! Although SlutWalk was promoted as marching to protect victims to sexual assault from being blamed, to many people it appeared as though they were encouraging the acceptance of the term "slut" and behaviour associated with sluts. Being a slut is being pushed towards being the new normal for women and shows like Sex and the City contributed to this normalization.

Point #1 women have actually contributed to their objectification and being thought of as sexual objects who are open to casual sex by fighting against slut shaming. If being a slut is seen as normal then those who want to be abstinent will be seen as abnormal and passed over for easier sex. If most women give up sex easily then other women will feel pressure to have sex so that they are not passed over. The price of sex is lowered. In the past, sex required a man to pay for dates and be monogamous, now some men don't even pay for one date and they can get sex. I think I read about this on Hooking up Smart. The message of not caving to peer pressure has been replaced with a message that it is okay to have sex with anyone you want, whenever you want and relationships and sex are two different things. It's fine to have sex with multiple partners without having a personal connection or relationship and if you have a problem with this you are repressed and not accepting of you true sexual nature. In fact, there are even women proposing that is it unnatural for people to be monogamous so there is no need for marriage or relationships at all! These are some of the women behind the anti slut shaming rhetoric.

Now playing hard to get and waiting for commitment before sex is seen as unusual, strange, old fashioned, and abnormal among some people. As you can see in the second video, stating that you think the slut lifestyle is undesirable, gross, or dangerous can also be equated with blaming women for rape!!! Seriously! In the first video the woman said that she did not understand why women wanted to sleep with so many partners and that it was possibly dangerous to go home with strangers and in the second video this was interpreted as the woman blaming women for being raped! The story of the rape was horrible and sad but I do not think it is fair to link the two. I also don't agree AT ALL with women being encouraged to trust that no one will ever take advantage of them so they should throw all caution and commonsense to the wind.

Women must do whatever they can to protect themselves. Let me use an example (maybe a poor one that will get me crucified). Suppose you baked a delicious cake for your friends to eat at a public bar. You decide to leave the cake on the bar while you go call your friends. When you come back people have eaten the cake. Yes, people took a cake that was not theirs because they wanted it (not everyone did) and they did not think they would get in trouble for it. You are partially to blame because you trusted people not to eat your cake and you did not take precautions to protect it even though YOU KNOW people will be tempted to eat it. YOU KNOW people will try to eat food left out in a public place but you still DECIDED to leave it unguarded and risk having someone eat it (now if they bashed you over the head and grabbed it out of your hand you would not be to blame because that is not normal behaviour). You are all to blame but it is you who wasted your time making it, will feel taken advantage of, and your friends will all be disappointed while all the thieves are perfectly happy and blaming you for leaving it there. Now you can place your head in the sand and believe that all strangers are honorable and there to protect your interests or you can face reality that they will 98% of the time place their interests above yours. YOU have to protect yourself and your interests and stop expecting strangers to do it for you. A drunk driver is never seen as a victim because something bad happened after they got behind the wheel. When you are intoxicated you are impaired and bad things can happen so don't get intoxicated in situations where bad things can happen.

My Point #2 is, thieves/rapists are WRONG and ENTIRELY RESPONSIBLE for their crimes but you have to protect yourself from these people as best you can. RAPE VICTIMS ARE NOT SLUTS! However, people are suspicious of those who do not make efforts to protect themselves because it doesn't make sense to them that you would be so trusting. So as a result they may not believe you when you say you are a victim. I can't do anything about that other than trying to not be a victim. We all know that there are dangerous people out there and we have to protect ourselves from them because we are the ones who will suffer after they hurt us.

UPDATE: I just had to add this VIDEO. This is what anti slut shaming women think. This is a feminist. These are the women your daughters may be listening to. Do you like what you hear? I find it horrifying! This is a WOMAN telling other woman what she finds acceptable, I'm sure the boys love her. Also, PLEASE watch this VIDEO, it's long but very worth it. It's by a Black woman who thinks exactly the way I do about the issue :)

UPDATE #2: Apparently Jenna and her boyfriend have broken up and now her video is making sense. I'm guessing that he cheated with some promiscuous woman and that was the cause of the breakup. So naturally, after being hurt by "a slut" Jenna made a video about how she doesn't understand similar women. Some people actually guessed that this was what happened because her video was different from the one's she usually makes. It is notable though that many of the women doing videos in support of promiscuity said that sleeping with other women's boyfriends was NOT OKAY and this may be what actually happened. Therefore these women should understand Jenna's anger at a woman who ruined her relationship. On the other hand, maybe due to the breakup Jenna does not like the prospect of being single and having casual sex so she wanted to understand why other women seem to like it.

So now that these vloggers and bloggers know what happened will they have any empathy for Jenna and understand why she did the video? Is a woman allowed to slut-shame the home wrecker who ruined her relationship or does she have to support that woman's right to do whatever feels good?  This is the reason why people don't like sluts, because many of them sleep with taken men and if they were not around fewer men would be able to cheat. Of course the boyfriend is the more guilty one because he was in a relationship but the promiscuous woman was aiding and abetting his crime. Also she not allowed to look at someone else's lifestyle and, due to freedom of speech, say that she doesn't understand it and finds it disgusting and stupid? She has the right to her opinion and there are many sexual things people do that I think are disgusting and I have the right to say it. People are free to think whatever they want, but of course if they say something they may face negative consequences. Jenna has now learned this. But those who promote promiscuity have to deal with the consequences of their actions and what they say too!

Is it Wrong that I Only Want to Listen to Cheesy Love Songs?

I think this has to be the last post I make for a week because I am procrastinating on doing something for school. But who am I kidding, in between studying I know I'll have ideas I'll want to blog! Blogging can be so obsessive!

When I was growing up I listened to the same pop music radio station that most of my friends did. It played 90s and some 70s and 80s rock (including soft rock and classic rock), pop, R&B (including Mowtown oldies), and a little bit of rap. The artists played included Madonna, Janet Jackson, Glass Tiger, The Beatles, MC Hammer, Prince, George Michael, Eurasure, U2, En Vogue etc. Everyone knew these songs and the music was not offensive compared to pop music today. At the time it seemed like there were fewer types of music and it was easier to distinguish between rock, heavy metal, rap, pop, country, classical, R&B, jazz, and blues and of course international styles like calypso and reggae.

The type of music that moved me the most was the pop ballad and that is my favorite type of music today! I am "coming out" and admitting that my favorite type of music is any cheesy song where a guy sings about love in a very high voice! I love ballads from the Bee Gees, Maroon 5, REO Speedwagon, U2, Stevie Wonder and MANY one-hit-wonders. I also listened to my father's Love Collection records (yes the one's sold in infomercials) and I loved them! When I hear these songs I get an instant physical feeling of love for the singers (the same way I feel when I see and hear cats lol)! It's an 'I want to scream' and 'I love this/you so much I want to die' feeling that you can see in footage of Beatles or Justin Bieber fans. My theory is that the high pitched voices of male pop singers and cats activate the pleasure centres of my brain lol!!! Hmmm, maybe that's why I prefer guys with younger, higher sounding voices? Yes, it's very quirky and I do love to sing along while making typical performance hand gestures! I readily admitted this as a high school student and undergrad but since then I have felt uncomfortable doing so.

I went to graduate school in a small city and I did not like any of the radio stations (they played too much country that I absolutely can not tolerate and constant Nickleback!). I also did not like many of the songs played on Much Music because they were getting too "screamy" and sounded computer generated (Autotune is horrible). So for the next several years I was not paying attention to new music at all and I mostly heard new music through movies, television, or by chance. Now I feel some imaginary pressure to listen to new music so that I can actually state what type of music I like and open my mind to new things or something. I  keep reading dating profiles where men state "I like many types of music" and it makes me feel like I'm closed off or immature because I rarely like new music and there are many types I don't like. I feel (and have been made to feel) guilty for not liking country music, most things with fiddles (e.g., Celtic music), some alternative (ewww grunge music), jazz, reggae, and calypso. There are many types of music that are great in television and movies for setting the mood (e.g., heavy metal in horror films, classical, jazz etc.) but I don't find pleasure listening to them outside of these mediums. It's like I worry something is wrong with me because I am not moved by more types of music.

When I started looking into new styles of music I tried some so-called "conscious hip hop" (that was actually full of curse words and the n-word), R&B, and neo-soul. I felt so much pressure to choose my favorite music based on race instead of what I found pleasurable!  I felt as though I would be a "sell-out" if I ignored these forms of music and limited myself to genres predominated by White people! There may be some other racial minorities who feel pressure to like their cultural music too but others will just like what they like and never feel guilty. I think that unlike other groups, there is a lot of pressure for Black people to listen to and support rap/hip hop despite it's rampant degradation of women, degradation of Black people (by using the n-word) and making Black men look like materialistic thugs, morally bankrupt artists, and it's references to lifestyles that are foreign to many middle class people (e.g., living in the hood, shootings, drugs, and gangs). But I think that now I am finally secure about my rejection of rap/hip hop music! I think it's safer to avoid the genre and negative messages instead of "giving it a chance" just because a few songs may be innocuous.

I am going to listen to internet radio more often so that I can hear my old favorites and new pop music. I tried listening to some emo, indie rock, soul, and R&B but they did not move me emotionally. I will try them again but probably if they are not played on pop stations I won't seek them out. I feel as though I am not supposed to like the same music I did when I was younger and I'm supposed to like more "adult" types of music that is serious and edgy instead of love songs sung by cute guys. This reminds me of the pressure women feel to abandon pleasurable things, being playful, and acting girly after a certain age (as I wrote about in my post I'd Love to be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl). People feel pressure to trade in everything from childhood for things that are serious and mature (maybe because of that Bible verse about putting away childish things but I'm not even religious). How necessary is it for adults to become aware of depressing/controversial things for the sake of education even though they are powerless to change anything? I think there has to be a balance between entertainment being purely for pleasure and entertainment that is also educational and thought provoking. There seems to be a lot of pressure focus on the latter. I prefer songs that are about love (being in, finding, or losing it) mostly sung by men with high voices. It doesn't teach me about other cultures or the plight of oppressed people. I like 80s and 90s pop and any modern music that sounds similar. The last two CDs I bought were James Blunt and Gavin DeGraw. It just makes me happy. Isn't that enough?

The Feminist Police

I think in many ways feminists are like the police. Many people dislike both groups. Both groups sometimes abuse their power and are criticized for being too extreme. Sometimes they are called unnecessarily and cause situations to escalate. Sometimes they unfairly pick on particular groups. Or, they continually ignore the plight of some groups because of racism (e.g., Black women and Black people) who should be supported yet expect members from this group to have positive views of them. When members of both groups make mistakes or commit offenses they may deny or try to hide them.  As soon as you tell people you are in either group some will  be pleased but others will judge you negatively and be suspicious. You will be blamed for any of the extreme things other members of your group have said or done. But let me tell you about how I felt yesterday.

Watching videos and reading blogs of men in the Men's Rights Movement has been scary, difficult, disappointing, and numbing. If you asked me last week I could have never imagined any man could say some of the things I read and that those statements were actually be supported. A website called Man Boobz is a blog that creates awareness about the insanely barbaric things members of this group have posted online. I never thought I'd read comments from men ridiculing women who commented about being raped. In one sickening instance one actually taunted her about enjoying the rape and threatened to do it again. Their group is a concerted and malicious effort to disrupt any female group, organization, or website ONLY because they hate women. For whatever reason, this group hates women and even posts images of battered or injured women to laugh at! Any sane person can tell that some of these men are mentally ill or sexual predators. But I think some of them don't even realize this and think that what they are saying is fair, justified, edgy humor, or harmless fun. Fortunately there are other groups of men like those at The Good Men Project who see things in a balanced and non-hostile manner.

After reading posts by the Men's Rights Movement I thought to myself 'I can't wait for the feminists to get rid of these guys' and I wondered what they were doing to shut them down. I thought that someone should alert the feminists so they would do something about it. There it is. Just like the police, I might criticize them but when I'm worried about being harmed they are the first people I want to call! They have the power and law behind them to protect people without power. They have an organized system in place for this and people who have dedicated their lives to this duty. That is why they are both important and I would feel less safe if they were to disappear. So although I criticize extreme feminism or certain feminist ideas I still respect them, I understand they are important for everyone, and I am truly glad they are here. It must be a hard job and I'm glad they do it because I don't think I could handle so much pressure and responsibility.

I Do Not Support Misogynist Men!!!

Well, I have just been scared and shaken to the core! I was watching YouTube videos about women who don't agree with feminism. Then I came across some videos about the men's rights movement and one called The Effects of Emasculation Part 1 and Part II. These men are TERRIFYING! Don't be fooled into thinking that these are just nice traditional guys who feel victimized by feminism. These are not men looking for equal rights. No, these are the same types of men who do those hate videos about Black women that I wrote about in my post Black Women Bashers are Pathetic Excuses for Men! They use the same vocabulary and call any man who believes in chivalry, protecting women, or respecting woman a "mangina" so be wary of any man who uses that term. They post positive comments on the videos of any woman who criticizes feminism or women but they have the utmost contempt for all women.

Not only are the videos totally disrespectful of women by using derogatory terms to describe them but this video actually blames women for rape! It showed ads against rape as though they made men the victims instead of clearly seeing them as public service announcements about rape being wrong. Not only that, they showed women protesting rape and then women with low cut tops as though they were asking for it! No one should ever hit anyone because it's assault. But let's be honest, a large man can do way more damage to a woman with a punch than she can (a kid can punch me but it won't hurt me as much as I could hurt him/her). So in instances where a woman hit a man and he started hitting her back, other men jumped in, broke them up, and started hitting the man. Some men said after that it was "wrong to hit a woman" and the maker of the video called these men manginas. What this means is that any woman who hits a man now should not expect that he won't hit her back severely and uncontrollably. Some men might not even step in to stop it but I don't think it has gotten that bad yet. In my opinion, I think these men would hit a woman just because they are angry and they probably wouldn't need to be hit first. This is the attitude that some men have now that if we are equal then they can hit us just as they would a man. It's too bad they can't just see hitting a man or woman a wrong instead of espousing equal opportunity violence.

If you really want to be scared just read the comments! In the comments men openly wrote about wanting to "punch women in the teeth", beat them, and sodomize them out of anger! Comment after comment from different men were advocating for these things. They talk about how they want to take things back and get revenge on women! No, these are not men looking for equality, they want full patriarchy and power over women and endorse every sexist thing you can imagine. I don't even think the posters of the videos are Black men so this could include men of various races. This is my worst nightmare about the feminist movement that I wrote about in my post The Benefits and Drawbacks of Feminism. Of course men commented that they would never pay for dates but some of them were actually advocating for just using women for sex as some sort of lifestyle choice. What scares me is a woman would have no idea who these men are or if they are dating one. How prevalent is this thinking? So far the men I have dated in Canada haven't been like this and I hope none of you end up in a relationship with one of these guys! The crazy thing is that Black trolls from this group always harass Black women who post YouTube videos and some of them have asked for support of their men's rights movement! You can read all about their tricks and how to identify them HERE. I won't call myself a feminist but I definitely do not support this!!!

The F-Word: Who Wants to be a Feminist?

Last night I happened to see a CBC documentary called "The F-Word: Who Wants to be a Feminist?" (visit the link to watch the documentary or read about it). This came at the right time because I have been thinking a lot about whether I am a feminist or not, whether some of the things I'm doing are sexist or anti-feminist, and whether I really know what feminism is. The documentary explores the reason why so many women today don't call themselves feminists and the history of the movement. The film explains that women make up over half of the workforce and university students, but they still earn less than men and hold few high power positions (e.g., in business and politics). It was quite informative for me.

I prefer calling myself a humanist and saying that I believe in inalienable human rights including the rights of women (a good way to avoid being criticized by men). I am anti-sexist. One reason why I don't want to call myself a feminist is because I have never actually read a feminist book by one of the famous authors and I have never taken a course. So I don't not want to claim I believe something I really don't know much about. Young North American women today have grown up in world with a lot of anti-sexist rules already in place. Many young women can tell when something is sexist or when we are being treated differently from men, and we protest when these things happen and we don't have to call ourselves feminists to do so.

I think things online have painted a negative picture of feminism for me but I don't know if these things actually came from feminist writers of if they are misinterpretations by men who are opposed to women's rights. So here are some of the negative things I have heard:

1. Feminism was created by White women and was never intended to include Black women (my belief in this is 9/10). When the women's rights movement began and they wanted the right to vote, they only wanted it for White women. They wanted the right to work outside of the home because they thought that work was beneath them. However they had no problem giving that work to Black women. (You can note that in the documentary there were no Black feminists interviewed). 
2. Black women were excluded from feminist meetings and their rights were not discussed (my belief in this is 9/10). Until recently, many feminists denied that they could actually be racist because they are an oppressed group. They claimed Black women were oppressed only by White and Black men. In response to that Black women created "Womanist" groups to fight for their rights. Today there are some anti-racist feminists who acknowledge that White women can be racist and other ethnic groups need to be included. (Click the LINK to read an article about how feminists have been silent about Michelle Obama)
3. The things that White feminists wanted were not desired by Black women (my belief in this is 4/10). Black women in North America have always had to work because Black people could only get low-paying jobs and needed two incomes. They did not have the option that many White women had to stay home and look after the house and kids. The reason why I don't believe this argument very much is because I think Black women like having the right to vote and work and this keeps us out of poverty and social assistance, they don't want to be discriminated against based on gender, and they don't want men to be able to hurt them with no repercussions. These are things that feminists fought for.
4. Black feminism has destroyed the Black community (my belief in this is 1/10). Nowadays, many Black people are complaining that our kids are not being cared for enough because Black parents are not spending enough time at home with the kids. Some are saying that if Black women did not focus so much on their careers, our children, and by extension our communities, would be better.  I don't believe this because if Black women have always been working something else must be contributing to the problems, because things haven't always been this way. Some say it's because men are not in the home, but if that was the case, children who grow up without fathers in all races would have similar problems but they do not. Many men spend months away from the home or spend little time with the kids, but their kids turn out fine. Remember, in the past it was Black female slaves who spent the most time with wealthy American White children, and those kids maintained their high status. 
5. Acting like stereotypical feminists has caused Black women to lose their femininity (my belief in this is 10/10). Note, that I wrote "acting like stereoptypical feminists" not about thinking or having the same beliefs. I think that women can believe in women's rights without acting like men. The stereotypical feminist rejects feminine clothing, hair, makeup, and traditionally feminine activities and behaviours (i.e., believes that looking  and acting like a female is weak or irrational). She acts like a man and wants to do everything that men do (e.g., arguing, being loud, physically fighting, swearing etc.). This is a stereotype of course, but some Black women are acting according to the stereotype!  For the last 500 years Black women have often been treated like men by society and their femininity was ignored or denied. White women are still held up as the standard for feminine beauty and behaviour even though some of them purposefully act like men. Black women have not been allowed to get away with the same behaviour. I think it is in our best interest to act as feminine as possible, BUT continue to believe in equal rights and fight for them. 
6. Some stereotypical feminists reject everything feminine and believe acting or looking feminine is harmful and irrational (my belief in this is 8/10). Have you noticed online that whenever there is a beauty pageant, advice about hair or makeup, advice about how to get a man, a traditionally feminine fashion shoot, or anything that just looks feminine, you will see comments FROM WOMEN, chastising the writers for being sexist? Last week on a blog (I believe it was The Feminine Woman) I read a post about feminine hobbies and some people commented that the hobbies were sexist and the writer should include some masculine hobbies. They commented that,  it was wrong to suggest that women take up cooking, knitting, flower arranging, jewelry making etc. as hobbies which defies the purpose of a post on feminine hobbies!. I also watched a YouTube video of a woman with natural hair who keeps her hair short because, according to her, trying to grow your hair long and doing so much to maintain it is vain and conforming to eurocentric standards of beauty. A commenter on the video actually said it was dangerous to be so interested in looking good! We are actually being discouraged from looking good and doing traditionally feminine things even though many of these things are enjoyable or useful (e.g., cooking, pampering oneself). I think that Black women need to stop listening to this! If you enjoy being pretty, keep it up! If you want to learn cooking, do it! If you like wearing dresses, don't be ashamed! Acting like men in all ways is not helping Black women and you can be very feminine and still have a job, be intelligent, have many interests, and demand respect and equality.

So these are some of the reasons why I am reluctant to call myself a feminist. I think that women should bring their feminine qualities everywhere and shape the world according to their femininity instead of conforming to masculine settings and hiding their femininity. To me, that would really be standing up for women's rights! Acting like men is actually promoting men's behaviours as ideal and more rational than women's behaviours, and this makes women look inferior! I think men should actually become more refined gentlemen and tone down some of their masculine aggressive behaviours by being kinder, more polite, and more respectiful of everyone's rights.