My Thoughts on the Election of Trump

I didn't write anything about the US election for many reasons. For one, during the week after the election I was feeling so down and I was in shock. I could not believe what was happening. I read so many things and the more I read the more scared I felt. I would feel okay for a while and then suddenly feel fear because I remembered something horrible he said or promised he would do! This is like a nightmare come true and I just can't believe it! I also didn't want to comment because I'm Canadian and sometimes I don't want to get into these things. I had so many things that I wanted to write and I didn't think I had the time or the drive to write it all. So I waited a while to collect my thoughts and figure out what to say.

I have to be honest. After seeing the exit poll results and who voted for whom...I'm actually feeling wary of White people. In previous posts I was feeling fine, and not really thinking much about racism at all! I knew things were not perfect but I thought that things were going in the right direction. But the majority of White people in the US voted for Trump, including White women! White women didn't even pick someone in their own image and chose someone who has no respect for women and actually assaulted some of them!? Black women voted for Hillary in droves, she wasn't even Black, but they knew she was better than Trump! You can see the exit poll results HERE. White voters were from all income brackets, not just those suffering or without jobs or something. Non-White people voted for Hillary even if they didn't like her.

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You can not in your right mind trust and especially date one of these people. This sight is so scary to me because they could be anybody. I was never into the frat boy type and these guys are a nightmare! Packs of men just like this are terrorizing POC right now! I just see Nazis in this photo, I can't shake it. Where does this hatred come from?

I hear people going on about the hypocrisy of stereotyping all Trump voters as racists and misogynists because we don't like all Black folks or women to be stereotyped. But this is different! After hearing about Trump's plans to herd up Muslims and Latinos, endorsements from white supremacists, offering nothing to Black people, all the sexual assaults and misogyny, lack of experience, and all the other nonsense he was spewing--you still chose to elect this man??? If you voted for him then you are either racist, misogynist, highly unintelligent, or extremely selfish! You cared more about taxes or jobs than for the safety of fellow citizens! His whole campaign was about dividing everyone by race and you went along with it! The whole world is in shock and every international headline I saw was shocked and disappointed in this election (except India for some reason).

This brings me back to my point about feeling wary about White people. Some of you may have felt this way before the election anyway. I don't really feel this way about people I know, but in small, mostly-White areas of Canada maybe they could be like Trumpers. I mean the UK surprised everyone with Brexit too. White people today are more racist than I thought. All the hate crimes that have been committed after the election are horrifying! Is this really 2016? Hate crimes have happened in Canada too. Read a list of hate crimes HERE if you want to be sad.

Why is it that when a Black or Muslim person commits a crime then the media and everyone starts questioning their communities, upbringing, what their elders teach, who they associate with, their religion, music, their history, and even genetics? Why are these questions not asked when a White person commits a crime, especially all those mass shootings and hate crimes? What is it about the White community, White mothers, White males, and White religions that condone these things? What is it about White culture that convinces them that they are better and more human than everyone else, their needs must to be taken care of before everyone else's, and their lives are more important than everyone else's? What is it in their culture that makes so many so selfish and self-centered, unable to share, need to control and subjugate everyone, and never be satisfied with what they have? Is it schools, reading their history, S & M, videogames, sports, religions that show Jesus and God as White men, Santa Claus...what is it? White people have to be accountable for the Trumpers no matter who they voted for until they stop making Black folks accountable for everything any Black person does! They don't get to be "individuals" this time.

It's just so terrifying that these people were all around, maybe you wouldn't even be able to pick them out. In my opinion, if I were you, I wouldn't trust anyone who voted for that man. I don't care who they are or why they voted as they did. They can not be trusted because they are part of that culture I just alluded to that is based on white supremacy and the belief that their needs come before everyone else's, whether they realize they are racist or misogynist or not. You can't trust someone like that. I didn't say all White people, just the Trumpers. They made their choice and these are the consequences and I don't have to show compassion towards them. I choose to dismiss them and their toxicity.

I hope this was a wake up call to all the Black women who support Feminists. Feminism was created by White women for White women. They excluded Black women from feminism and were racist from the start, including Susan B. Anthony. They did not want any Black people to vote. White women are not your allies, they benefit from white supremacy because they are the daughters, sisters, and wives to the men in the so-called patriarchy. Let them fight their White men on their own while Black women fight our own battles. They don't do anything to help Black women or women of colour yet they expect all of us to fall in line in some sisterly solidarity! Black women fell in line for this election and they bailed! I can think of numerous times Black women have been attacked and White feminists were no where to be seen. It's because they want to see White women on top and don't want to share the pedestal with you! I remember hearing all those Black women bashers talk about White women being innocent victims during slavery because they were oppressed and helpless against the White man. Bull! They liked it because they didn't have to do the work, they benefited off the labor and wealth, and they were held up as better than dark skinned women. They were and are complicit in white supremacy! Feminism is not for you Black girl. Let them do all the feminist work, and if you benefit so be it, but you don't have to thank them for something they didn't want you to have in the first place.

This brings me to my final heavy thoughts about interracial dating. If I was living in the US I would feel very wary about dating White men, and darker skinned men would be a more attractive option for me. If I were you I would never date someone who is a Trump supporter. Just forget that lot because they are forever tainted. The thing that scares me to the core is that many men secretly adore Trump for his misogyny and racism but they kept their voting plans secret! I did not see the full extent of what was happening when I first discovered the Red Pill, PUA, and Men's rights movements years ago, but they have been secretly radicalizing White men into misogynist racists! On their forums they worship Trump as an alpha male because he is a rich White man with a model wife who is much younger and attractive than him. They like Eastern European women because they do not act like liberated American feminist women. They love that he only values women for their looks and gropes them without permission because that is what they endorse and want every man to do! He is their idol! Here are some articles discussing this: Article 1, Article 2, Article 3, Article 4.

These forums instructed members to lie to everyone about liking Trump to avoid suspicion and then vote for him! Read about the hidden agenda HERE (MUST READ). No one realized that these men were being radicalized. There are so many of these forums on the Internet that any angry, sexually frustrated, feminist-hating White male could have been exposed to their teachings. It's because of this that you have to be so careful right now! The next White guy you meet could secretly frequent one of these sites, using pick up artist techniques just to get you in bed and throw you away. They may act nice but do subtle things like negging (giving you ambiguous insults so that you feel insecure and then try to please them to make them like you, e.g., "I don't usually like Black girls but you are the exception", or "I like your hair, is it real?"). Read up about these movements if you dare because it seems like Trump was way more appealing to White men than we could have ever imagined. If you hate Trump then make sure you don't associate with men who like him or act like him. Here are some tips for defending yourself from PUAs. In the past I thought PUAs were just awkward guys who wanted some help so that they could socialize better with women. But that innocence has been radicalized. Remember Elliot Roger? He was part of this manosphere and some applauded his mass shooting.

In all due seriousness, I am scared for all of you in the US. I heard a horror story about a Black girl at the gas station being accosted by a group of White men. One had a gun and said he would have killed her had there not been so many people around! Please be aware of your surroundings and now be wary of groups of White men. I am serious, they are acting out like crazy and I don't want any of you hurt. Please be careful! Fortunately you can buy pepper spray on Amazon here for less than $10, just get one that is safe especially if there will be children who can find it. Apparently, since Trump was elected POC have been buying up guns. This is so unbelievably sad. 😟

Related Articles:
My Problem with The White Feminist Reaction to the Presidential Election
Young Women Around the Globe React to Trump's Shock Win
White Women Helped Elect Donald Trump
Why Did College-Educated White Women Vote for Trump?
White women voted for Trump in 2016 because they still believe white men are their saviors
The quiet racism behind the white female Trump voter

Some White Men's Thoughts on Privilege

I'll be writing a little bit about race today so skip it if you are not in the mood today. Well a straight, White male blogger made a post to explain privilege to other straight, White males and that entry blew up with comments! The article is called "Straight White male: The lowest difficulty setting there is" by John Scalzi. Well isn't this timely given my previous post called "What to do about privilege". The post was written about on another blog by a White male that you can read HERE.

I made a comment on the second blog that I will post below because, as you may know, I don't see the benefit of pointing out privilege to people unless it's supposed to change their behaviour in some way. If the point is to make them vote for, support, and accept social programs and affirmative action, or donate to organizations then it makes sense. But sometimes when I read about privilege it's as though the only intended benefit is to have knowledge of it and be grateful for your life akin to the "clean your plate because starving kids in Africa would be glad to have it" kind of thing (that many Africans find insulting). I think that the readers sense that there is a hidden agenda that will involve them giving to people they don't know and they resent that and think it is unfair (just stating what they have stated so don't shoot the messenger). They feel that they were born into the privilege so they don't owe anyone anything, they have their own struggles, there are Black people who live better than them, and it would be unfair to make them feel guilty just because they are White (and they call that reverse racism...not a fan of that term). This is why they freak out when anyone talks about privilege. As Scalzi mentioned, he knows White people freak out when they hear the word privilege so he used a video game metaphor instead. I would suggest that Black people find another term too because as soon as you call someone privileged or racist they shut don't and are so offended they won't hear the rest of what you want to say.

It may turn into an interesting discussion, but interesting is all it will be since the knowledge isn't linked to action and no matter what anyone says, I'm not going to believe that I'm disadvantaged and a charity case just because I'm Black. I am not a victim who needs to be saved or pitied! I'm hoping that no White men come to this blog and use it to prove, "see a Black person agrees with us" because this is a post meant for Black women. If that happens then I'll just hide the post. I do think SOME White people have things better than SOME Black people, but I think that it's not always the case and agree that a model referring to class (socioeconomic status) would be more acceptable to most people. I can readily admit that I have things better than those who are poor but I refuse to admit that ALL White people have it better than me because I'm Black. How would one explain that I've done so well while many of my elementary, high school, and undergrad White classmates did not? Did I work that much harder, was I smarter, more likable, more organized, more motivated, better connected? Was it because my parents went to university, stressed the importance of education and success, and expected me to achieve? Doesn't it mean that all those things trump race in terms of success so why not focus on the importance of those things instead of race? Seriously, reading about all the disadvantages Black people face is like thinking you are smart and then taking an IQ test and being told, "wow, you have a really low IQ, I'm surprised you can even function among the rest of us". People like me think that we are fine and equal until someone comes along and insists we are not.

Maybe I should not have said anything because many Black people do see themselves as being disadvantaged and think that White people owe them. I'm not going to bother trying to convince anyone of anything though. They can feel that way if they want. It's strange that a lot of conservative Black people have the same opinion about privilege but you know how unpopular they are. I vote liberal though and Canada is a pretty liberal country even with a current conservative government. The government pays for most of health care and half of tuition so we like our social programs. I do actually support social programs because some people, no matter what race, need help. I also support affirmative action so that workplaces are more diverse and to counteract the effect of racist hiring. I have no problem with quota systems or mandated inclusion of minorities in the media either. I strongly approve of the goal of increasing diversity but not by convincing everyone that being Black is a learning disability, mental illness, or pathology (some people are actually trying to do this with something called Willie Lynch Syndrome and Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome).

Anyways, here is my comment from the other blog,

Nice post. This is my opinion, it's not everyone's, I don't want to argue, it is not a condemnation of the post writer (at all). I don't blame him for writing it because so many people are pushing White people to think this way. I wrote about this on my blog a while ago from the point of view where I don't understand the importance of pointing out privilege to people. Maybe it's a U.S. thing or something done when people feel they have been wronged or given fewer opportunities. I don't feel that way but I also live in Canada and have Caribbean parents. 

1) As usual, in the original Scalzi article, he doesn't specify what to do with that knowledge and others like myself have a problem with that. I no longer value knowing many things for the sake of knowing unless I can do something with that information since there are more important things I need to learn. I'm more practical and just want to know what is useful.

It's like if you told me I had a gene that makes everything easier for me than for everyone else would that even change my behaviour? No, I would go on my merry way so I really didn't need to know. Unless straight, White males are expected to act differently after recognizing their privilege then it's useless information.  I think people usually say "examine your privilege" when they want something whether it is a handup, handout, or to be excused for their bad behaviour. Usually these posts end with the call to "do something" to even the playing field (i.e., handout or handup). That's what gets people leery, that they are being pressured to give to others just because they were born White males. They think that is unfair.

 2) I don't like it when Black people constantly point out that being Black is difficult so I definitely don't want White people doing the same thing. Why? Since this is based on race, it makes ALL Black people sound like disadvantaged, burdened, suffering, victims who need to be saved by those with privilege i.e., White men. So many Black people complain that they don't need to be saved (e.g., remember how annoyed people were with Dangerous Minds and Finding Forrester?) and can do it themselves with hard work. I don't want anyone to think that I am burdened or suffering when there are others, of whatever race, living on the street, dying or diseases or in other ways suffering way more than me. I am not a charity case or disabled just because I'm Black. I don't want people to automatically pity me and think I'm incapable of doing what non-Black people can. In the past people thought Black people could not do things due to genetics but talented and hardworking people proved them wrong! Don't tell me people are trying to do the same thing by saying we can't do things because of racism or simply growing up Black!

 3) Hearing everyone say that life is harder for me because I'm Black makes me feel hopeless and I shouldn't even bother trying to have a good life. It makes me fear that all my work is for nothing because I will only get so far. I will of course keep going but I think this thinking keeps many Black people from trying at all. If you tell me that the White, drug addicted, prostitute has life easier than me and people will regard her more highly than me because I'm Black why even bother? It goes against the reality of how I've seen people treated. So as other commenters on the Sclazi article mentioned, I think class and wealth has a major role in who is privileged. I am not a disadvantaged victim because I'm Black. 

 I want to be treated like everyone else not like I'm beneath them in terms of capabilities. That would be condescending and racist right? 

 I forgot, if the purpose is so that White men vote for, support, and accept social programs and Affirmative Action then it makes sense and it is useful to point out their privilege. Otherwise I don't see the point. This agenda should not be hidden though.

I'm Not Too Concerned About Racism Anymore

I'm not too concerned about racism anymore. Are you shocked? How can a Black woman not be concerned about racism? Don't I know that racism still exists and that racial equality hasn't happened yet? Don't I know about all the statistics saying that Black people are treated worse than White people? Don't I care that White people are placed on a pedestal, viewed as the norm, and portrayed as superior? Honestly, no, not any more. But why?

Well because right now I'm more focused on getting my foot in the door to opportunities, staying there, and accumulating the power and resources I need to have the best life possible. If other Black people focused on this then their lives would improve, and the more Black people who have improved lives, the more we can say things have gotten better for Black people. I am not interested in finding out about, getting enraged by, starting a petition, or endlessly complaining about inequalities or racist statements/actions by individual people or groups. I just don't think that these actions do anything to help BP anymore. They just cause friction so that the people in power tip toe around us or try to stay away from us which is detrimental if we are trying to move into their spaces and get help from them. In the past focusing on racism was important because it prevented BP from being able to live at all because they were killed, abused, barred from establishments (e.g., education, jobs, stores etc.), and even from having relationships. But now those things are protected by laws and the majority of people recognize when our rights are being abused or when something is racist. It is now unacceptable for people in power to say racist things and they can actually lose their power when they do! That is progress!

So now BP are in a situation where the law is on their side, they can expect to be treated fairly, many people are taught to accept us and they actually do, and if someone acts racist then the majority will punish them in some way (e.g., lawsuits, forced apology, being fired, cultural sensitivity classes, boycotts, petitions etc.). So now I focus on getting along with people now that they have (and are often pressured) to let me into their spaces and accept me. Now that many of us have "gotten in" we have to be on our best behaviour to stay "in" because the people in power can kick us right back out. They can stifle our progress, sabotage us, ignore us, exclude us, be extra critical of us, or fire us if we don't get along with others. One way to not get along with others is to be a complainer. Let me give you an example, I was working on a project with a man and I felt that he was making me do all the work while he made the big decisions. I thought that I should be able to make the big decisions since I was doing most of the work. I sent him an angry email about it. He was the boss's favorite and he sent the boss the email! He was also more experienced than I was so ruining my relationship with him meant that I lost many work opportunities and the chance to learn from him. Because I was so focused on him using me I didn't see that I would be able to learn/use him for many things in the future. If I had calmed myself down and thought more about the consequences then things would have gone better for me. The man lost nothing from the confrontation but I lost a lot! I complained about someone in power and he used his power and influence to make my life harder and prevent me from getting what I wanted. If I had just finished the project and tried to get opportunities from the man after then I would have been much better off.

I think that the most difficult complainer for people to deal with is a racism (or sexism) complainer. My experience above only strained my relationship with my one coworker, but racism complaints strain your relationship with EVERYONE who is of the race you are complaining about and may make things difficult for many other BP who were not even involved. People who had no problem with you may avoid or dislike you after they hear your complaint about racism. They may avoid you (and other BP) because now that they know how sensitive you are and they don't want to tip toe around you. Or, if they thought you accepted them, they may be shocked and insulted by what you said during your racism complaint (e.g., accusations of reverse racism, overreacting, not being understanding, being difficult, insulting someone by calling them racist etc.). People who once thought you were easy to get along with may suddenly think that's not true and you are not who they thought you were. They are now looking at you like an outsider, unlike them, who they do not understand. People sometimes dislike those who are different who they do not understand. With a complaint about racism you can go from being part of the team, and "one of us" in a multicultural group to not being a team player and "one of them" who refuses to get along.

Am I saying this is fair? NO! Am I saying this is right? NO! But I am a realist and just explaining something that happens. Most of us have experienced this for instance after the O.J. Simpson trial, Rodney King, the Obama election, or any other racially charged incident. These can cause friction between Black and non-Black people who are not even involved. This is what happens on a smaller scale when Black people complain about racism. NOW HOLD ON, I am not saying that racism should be excused!!! I'm saying pick your battles, don't make a big deal about minor or ambiguous things that are not blatant racism, and THINK about the possible consequences. Remember, something a BP sees as racist may not be seen that way by most non-Black and anti-racist people because they are not as sensitive as you are (this does not make them bad people either). Accusing someone of racism nowadays is a HUGE insult that instantly makes people defensive and you do not know how they will defend themselves. Just remember to save your complaints for when it really matters because each complaint causes friction and people will only tolerate the friction for so long and for a certain number of times before they push back against it. Just like my story above, when they push back against complainers you may suffer way worse consequences than they do especially when they have more power.

Remember, when you complain you may not achieve the result you expected. You may be harshly punished for your complaint and be much worse off than if you had kept your mouth shut. When you go against the people holding the power and resources there is a risk they will take those vital things away. Here are some consequences we must think about before we open our mouths to complain:

• Complaining about Black actresses being too light-skinned may cause movie producers to prefer casting non-Black actresses because there are fewer complaints. This will lead to fewer roles for BW and further complaints about the lack of such roles. The same goes for complaints about who Black actresses are romantically linked to in films/television. Complaints about interracial relationships will lead to the BW being replaced by WW. This will lead to BW not getting opportunities to show that they are relationship material and just as desirable as WW. It is WAY more important to see as many BW in positive media roles as possible rather than complaining about the way they look or who they are paired with. The goal should be to have a BW be eligible for any role without it being seen as controversial. All the media cares about is ratings/money earnings and they will ALWAYS make more money catering to the White majority than they will to the Black minority. We are lucky any of them ever try to appease us at all because they really don't have to, so be grateful for that.
• Complaining about men not preferring dark-skinned women may cause them to dislike these women even more for insulting them by implying they are self-hating, racists, sell-outs etc. They may attribute negative traits to the complainers (e.g., low self-esteem, self-hate, being argumentative, being angry) that make it even less likely for them to date dark-skinned women. By acting like angry women needing affection from men who state they are not attracted to you it really makes you look bad. It makes you look desperate for affection from someone who doesn't like you, I'm sorry but it's true. You are displaying the very traits they cite as reasons why they prefer lighter women. NEVER beg someone to like you, you are too good for that. If someone says you are beautiful and they are interested in you ACCEPT IT and if he is a good man who meets your standards maybe you should give him a chance. How can you complain about men not liking your skin and then act suspicious and negatively when they do??? 
• Complaining about fashion designers/companies not employing Black models may cause them to ignore BP as a sales demographic or continue ignoring them. They will just target their marketing and products to non-Black people. BP often complain about the models and advertisements of designers/companies they never even buy from and these companies know it. They have no financial motive to employ Black models. This is once again begging people to like you when you should be focusing on the ones who already do! Instead you should buy from companies who actually use Black models and cater to BP while ignoring the rest. Focus on who is focusing on you and reward them for that. 
• Complaining when non-Black people are interested in afro-textured hair may cause them to no longer be interested and no longer like it. This may stop them from wanting to date women with natural hair or from finding them attractive. They may even ridicule BW for making such a big deal about hair (e.g., calling them superficial, shallow, too focused on race, or even racist). They may continue to encourage and laud straight hair instead of appreciating and accepting natural hair, the exact opposite of what natural haired BW want. 
• Complaining when a celebrity (Black or non-Black) says something insensitive or racist. Let the media deal with it instead of discussing it with non-Black people. Discussing racism is negative and they may dislike you or be wary of you after the conversation when they did not have those feelings before. They don't pay much attention to race issues but you decided to bring it to their attention. Many non-Black people say they rarely think about race and I believe this is true. It doesn't affect them much or it makes them uncomfortable. By bringing up media incidents you have made them uncomfortable and they may avoid you to prevent feeling uncomfortable in the future. 

In the cases of actresses, models, advertising, and celebrities these people have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you or the people you know. So why in the world would you let these incidents interfere with your relationships with people you know? Why would you let these incidents turn you into an "Angry Black Woman" who is avoided and disliked by the people you associate with? STOP IT because it is not helping you one bit! Let these actresses, models, and celebrities deal with their own careers and focus on your own because they surely are not concerned about you. When it comes to men, women, and non-Black people rejecting your beauty...well you can't force them to like you by begging or insulting them. You are wasting your time and energy on these people. Instead focus your attention and appreciation on those who find your skin and hair to be beautiful and BELIEVE THEM when they say it is. If you were actually repulsive they would not be complimenting you. Remember these compliments for the sake of your mental health. 

The way I see it, there are many jerks and mean people out there. Racists are just one form of jerky/mean people. You may encounter people who are rude, sexual harassers, sexual abusers, violent, bullies, con artists, unhygienic, selfish, cheating, back-stabbing, unreliable, lying, and endless other unpleasant people  in life. I try to avoid these people but I don't focus my free time on reading about these people, complaining about them, or worrying about them. I'll be concerned about these jerks when they do something to me personally. I believe in the saying "worrying about something is like paying insurance on a car you don't own" and the insurance you are paying makes you difficult to like or get along with. This is the same way I view racists and what they do. Every complaint about racism is a complaint about someone being mean, not liking you, or refusing to get along with you. I just try to succeed and get what I need out of life instead of on how these people are trying to stop me and ruin my day. I refuse to let the existence of jerky/mean people cause me to sabotage my personal relationships, appearance, and dating prospects by causing me to appear angry, unapproachable, suspicious, unfriendly, uncooperative, unreasonable, undateable, unattractive, insecure, desperate, or otherwise affected by their negative presence. If I do that then they win and I lose the things I want and need! Keep your eye on the prize!!!

P.S. I tried online activism before. I wanted to focus on gathering online self-help resources for BP because that was feasible and people could have used it to learn and help themselves. Instead BM members wanted to focus on the big bad prison industrial complex locking up Black boys who are simply victims of the White man's system. Or they were concerned about stopping BM from getting executed, BM being tasered, or BM reacting violently to racism (e.g., Jena 6). It was all about some White people doing something to some BM who had no personal responsibility and were victims of society and an unfair justice system. It was racism all day every day, fighting the man, and no personal responsibility and I don't think it achieved anything. Plus it was all about the U.S. and not even relevant internationally. 

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Cultural Appropriation and Fetishizing

I have grown very weary of Black people claiming cultural appropriation and fetishizing. Here is a definition of cultural appropriation from Wikipedia:

Cultural appropriation is the adoption of some specific elements of one culture by a different cultural group. It describes acculturation or assimilation, but can imply a negative view towards acculturation from a minority culture by a dominant culture. It can include the introduction of forms of dress or personal adornment, music and art, religion, language, or social behavior. These elements, once removed from their indigenous cultural contexts, can take on meanings that are significantly divergent from, or merely less nuanced than, those they originally held.

Appropriation practice involves the 'appropriation' of ideas, symbols, artefacts, image, sound, objects, forms or styles from other cultures, from art history, from popular culture or other aspects of man made visual or non visual culture. Anthropologists have studied the process of cultural appropriation, or cultural borrowing (which includes art and urbanism), as part of cultural change and contact between different cultures.

This post was inspired by an article called Dolce and Gabbana 2013- Racist or overblown. I just don't see the point of these terms in 2012 where people of various ethnicites travel all over the world and share their cultures with everyone through trade and media. Haven't people been sharing their culture with outsiders for centuries? Haven't people of various cultures been adopting the cultural items, ideas, and teachings of outsiders for centuries? That just cultural assimilation! So why is it that in this day of age where different cultures have more access to outside cultures than ever before that Black people are freaking out about it? I think current viewpoint on the issue is very liberal (e.g., relax, it's not a big deal, live and let live, let's accept everything that's good) and very conservative on this matter (e.g., it's you making yourself miserable not society, you are seeing racism everywhere, you are too sensitive)!

It's like in order for a non-Black person to wear something considered "Black or African" then they are required to take a Black history course and join the NAACP! They must also have Black friends, think Black people are beautiful, and employ Black people. Why does everything have to be so serious when it comes to interacting with Black people? Why do you place so many expectations on others when you don't have to do the same amount of work to get along with them? Like I have said before, this is Black people once again acting like they need special care because they are fragile, wounded, and victims of everyone else. In order to associate with them or their culture outsiders must have special training and work harder than they have to with other people. Are you victims or are you strong and resilient? If you are a mixture of both then act like it and admit your strengths and vulnerabilities instead of stating your are completely powerless or powerful because you are telling people how to treat you! Victims get help and pity, the strong are expected to handle everything alone, but a "normal person" is not entirely powerless or powerful all the time so they can be independent and still get help and special care when needed.

This is why outsiders say it is difficult to get along with Black people and they are "too sensitive" because that is exactly what many Black people are telling them! I am not doing it but other Black people are adamantly telling others "you have to be very careful with us because we are so hurt and easily hurt by almost everything you do (including when you style your hair like us)! It sends the message to non-Black people that maybe it's just easier not to deal with Black people because they are never satisfied with any of their attempts to be inclusive or accepting and they are so easily hurt (ironic since Black people are often called strong and many embrace the term). For example, the producers of the new Nina Simone biopic may decide to never do a film focusing on a BW again because they cast EBW Zoe Saldana in the title role. Although White actresses like Charlize Theron and Nicole Kidman can transform their appearances to play less attractive women (and win Oscars), Black people are too sensitive and delicate to accept that. No, they insist on casting a less attractive actress and they have no concern with talent or box-office draw. Another example is when non-Black people wear the image of Black people on their clothing, it is often interpreted as mocking or racist when images of many races are shown on clothing. Let's not forget whenever non-Black people embrace music created by Black people. Some Black people will almost shove this music down people's throats (insist they are racist or elitist if they don't...seriously) while others call it cultural appropriation when these people finally accept their culture (e.g., outrage at Japanese and White people embracing hip hop, jazz, blues, and reggae culture).

A non-Black man is not allowed to be attracted to Black women without it being called a fetish. Here is the definition of a fetish (doesn't sound bad to me at all):

1. an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency. 2. any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades. 3. Psychology any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.


But for some reason, instead of seeing dark skin or other features many Black women have (e.g., full lips, full behinds) as comparable to other attractive feminine features (e.g., large chests, curves, softness, long hair) they call this a fetish that is somehow wrong!? By calling attraction for BW a fetish you are teaching the world that there is something wrong with liking BW and men who do are strange and deviant! Some will say that this is the point and it's called a fetish so that non-Black men will not be attracted to BW, and some BW are actually encouraging this! I would think that if BW want to be accepted as equals to other women then they would want to be found universally attractive. I would think that they would want it to seem perfectly understandable and non-deviant for someone to find them beautiful.

Why does this all irritate me? I guess because these behaviours are working against something I see as a positive thing. Unless something is accepted by the majority then it will not be seen as normal. So unless we react "normally" to non-Black people accepting Black culture and BW then this acceptance will never be seen as normal! People strive to be normal and negative reactions to their behaviour may cause them to reject us. If liking BW or aspects of Black culture continue to be seen as forms of rebellion or something to scare parents this will not do us any favors. It's time to stop holding on so tight to "Black culture" because the only way to gain acceptance is by allowing others to accept you without making them regret it afterward.

What some people need to do is really examine themselves and why they get so angry when non-Black people try to accept them or aspects of their culture. I think there are deep personal issues being triggered:

1. For one, people who hate non-White people and see them as the enemy will object to this acceptance. They will see it as a treat because they see anything their enemy does as a treat. These people will always be complaining.
2. Others are very attached to Black culture because it is their escape from the mainstream, therefore they think they will be lost if their culture becomes mainstream (i.e., they feel that their culture and uniqueness is all they have and without it they are nothing). This to me may be self-imposed limitations, a fear of being open to change and new things, and a sign that you don't have enough going on for you. 
3. There are also some people who really want to be accepted but they are afraid of getting hurt (i.e., they don't think they are good enough so they are skeptical others who accept them or what they like). So they insist on more proof that they are accepted so that they can be sure of it (e.g., you can't just be my friend/date, you have to disavow your White privilege too and feel guilty about everything White people have ever done. You can't just have a Black actress in your film/show, you have to celebrate Black love and discuss racism too. You can't just have a Black model, she has to look like Alek Wek or India Arie). I think that this is an insecurity issue because the Black person does not believe that they are really accepted so they insist on extreme levels of 100% acceptance and perfect understanding of the Black experience (which is impossible even for most Black people).  
4. Some Black people I think are too attached to "being cool" rather than being accepted by the mainstream so they want their culture to be exclusive (i.e., only some people are allowed into the Black culture club and they decide who gets in). This leads them to basically be culture snobs even when the things they cherish the most are considered harmful or tacky by the mainstream anyway. I also see this as a sign of entitlement, yes ENTITLEMENT because you are allowed to do things while other people can't. You have a special status where you are free to like, dress, and act in certain ways but others can't, and you expect this freedom to be respected. You also embrace things from other cultures but have a list of reasons why you are allowed to do so (e.g., being oppressed, racism, pressure to conform etc.). This again is feeling entitled to special treatment. If you like something for a reason, then others may like it for the same reasons...accept it instead of seeing it as a threat. You can't complain about being prevented from doing things because you are Black if you prevent non-Black people from doing things just because they are not Black!

I think that I'm starting to have a negative view of many of the theories that have come out of AA academics and research. Since the U.S. is the largest producer of race theories regarding Black people they are seen as the authority and no one questions it. But others have criticized that it always makes Black people out to be powerless victims. I do not feel like a powerless victim! The academics, similar to many Black blogs, also make it seem like we have to be angry activists all the time and that we must be constantly fighting against something. They trace everything back to slavery so that our anger about slavery is constantly being triggered. These AA teachings have become so prevalent that Black people online know many of the theories and trace every incident and aspect of their current existence to slavery. I wonder if people of other cultures do this and if it is self-defeating? With all the self-help talk about how important it is to stay in the present and plan for the future is it beneficial for the average Black person to constantly look back? I'm not saying forget, but is it helpful in any way to link your whole existence back to slavery? That's a good idea for a study :) I constantly hear people reason that "we must look at the causes in order to find solutions", but on a personal level I do not believe this is necessary at all. To find solutions in your own life you do not have to spend years examining your birth events, childhood, grandparents lives etc., you can just examine your current circumstances and find ways to improve in the present. Historical research may be important for societal change but totally unnecessary for personal change (e.g., your personal changes don't need to be run past the government or a committee, laws don't need to be created, a proposal doesn't have to be written, you don't need a grant etc.).

So what does this have to do with femininity? Well, if you get angry all the time about race then you will appear mean, unhappy, and argumentative to others like the stereotypical Angry Black Woman. It is feminine to be accepting and open to others rather than closed off, suspicious, and hostile. It is also against your best interest of being a desirable woman to all men when you insult your admirers by calling them fetishists and insisting they are deviant and defective for finding you attractive. If you want to be loved and admired you need to let other people love and admire you! A lady knows how to take a compliment. I also think that non-Black women will respect you more if they stop seeing you as the unattractive friend or as no competition for their men. Personally, I'm never going to use the term "fetish" in relation to liking BW or any race of woman ever again.


Related Articles:
Cultural Appropriation on Wikipedia (interesting!)
Cultural appropriation: Homage or insult? (see, if one focuses on the past and power differentials then assimilation by the mainstream will always cause negative feelings. This is the individual's personal anger at the mainstream)
Race preference or race fetish?
When does a racial preference become a fetish?
Top 10 fetishes from AskMen.com (risque language lol. What's interesting is that this is almost a list of things you can wear and do to make men instantly attracted to you...there are some I wouldn't do though...ever)

It's Really Hard to Know What Black Women Want

I was just thinking that it's really hard to know what some Black women want. This post was inspired by a post on Clutch called "The Age of the Fat A$$". We are all different and sometimes so different it almost makes you laugh. These are just some frustrating things I've noticed and maybe you have too.

There are very few shows with Black female characters on them and many of them are blatant, negative stereotypes. Yet whenever there is a BW character who is not a total embarrassment, disgrace, or stereotype there are tons of complaints about her, but only from BW (or some BM)! The complaints range from her skin is too light/too dark, she's not Black enough, she's not like me, her hair is fake, she isn't in a relationship, she's fat, she's dating interracially, she's unhappy, she isn't the star, she always gets hurt and blah, blah, blah! All BW are different and most of the media is run by White people so do you want to see a variety of BW in the media or not?

Now a lot of men and the media have elevated the beauty status of fuller behinds. This is to the point where women are wearing butt-enhancing clothing, butt-enlarging pills are being sold, and women are getting surgical enhancements. Instead of enjoying the fact that one standard of beauty has changed that actually elevates their beauty status some BW women are complaining! They are saying that they are being fetishized like Sarah Baartman and objectified! SMH, do you want more/all people to think you are beautiful and attractive or not?

Natural afro-textured hair has finally, FINALLY become acceptable in Western countries and there is finally enough information available about how to care for it. Yet it is some BW (and BM) who are saying natural hair is ugly, they would never been seen wearing it, or they would never date someone with natural hair. This is the same hair that is growing out of their heads and the same hair their children have. I have heard countless stories of how non-Black people are saying natural hair is attractive instead of Black people! SMH, do you want people to accept your hair however you wear it or not?

BW of the past fought HARD so that BW would be accepted as women/ladies that deserved to be respected, cherished, and protected like non-Black women. But today some BW are totally offended by the suggestion that they dress and act like ladies! They resent any idea that they should be compared to other women when past BW made that comparison and wanted to be treated like non-Black women! Instead you want to act like hard pack-mules who don't need special care when your ancestors hated that reality! BW in the past fought so that BW would not just be thought of as sexual objects yet you make yourselves into sexual objects by dressing, dancing, and speaking in a vulgar sexual manner and having casual sex all over the place! SMH do you want to be thought of as a lady and equal to all other women or not?

While some BW have lamented that non-Black men don't find them attractive others will loudly proclaim that they don't find non-Black men attractive whatsoever. Or when non-Black men approach them they are extra rude. If a non-Black man is dating or married to a BW then other BW say he just has a fetish! Some BW have no problem with men liking their chests or behinds that they flaunt in sexy clothes yet they are offended if men (only non-Black men) are attracted to their dark skin! How is being attracted to gorgeous, even, toasty brown skin a fetish while liking extra fat deposits on the chest and backside is not? If a non-Black man said the most attractive thing about you was your chest you would not feel offended yet if he loves your skin then he's sick? Do you want more/all men to like you and find you attractive or not?

This is just me venting but think about if these trends were to be reversed. If the media gave up and decided to exclude BW actors then there would be complaints for inclusion. If large behinds went out of style and women with Tracee Ellis Ross behinds were called "fat/unattractive" then there would be complaints about unfair Eurocentric beauty standards. If people started saying BW don't dress or act like other women because they aren't really women there would be OUTRAGE all over the place! If non-Black men went around saying they just aren't attracted to BW at all there would be OUTRAGE (remember John Mayer?). If non-Black men  started vocally stating dark skin is unattractive and they would never date a woman darker than a paper bag there would be more OUTRAGE (there already is when BM say such things). Personally, I think that all of these media and societal changes are good for BW and it's annoying when other BW try to spoil it for the rest of us!

Touching Black Women's Hair

NOTE: This is not a post about letting random White people you don't know come up and grab your hair without asking. Please keep that in mind while reading this post :)

It's really interesting the way someone can love something while others will hate it. I think it really all depends on your personal experiences (socialization), opinions, your environment, and the way you see the world.
Touching Black women's hair seems to be an issue for some. It's amazing how many women become outraged over the idea that someone wants to touch their hair! It creates anger! I have constantly seen the response, "Why should I let them touch my hair, I'm not in a petting zoo!". No one said you were an animal in a zoo but why do you equate touching a WOMAN's hair with touching an animal? First of all, why are YOU comparing yourself to an animal in a zoo?!! Did the person say, "you remind me of an animal so I want to pet you?" Did they say "you look like a woolly dog so can I pet you?" NO! They usually say "your hair is so pretty/amazing/full/big/coily etc. can I touch it?" It is you who are reminded of racist sentiments that rush to your mind. Isn't it hard always thinking such hurtful thoughts all the time? Why is it your natural impulse to think the person is a racist and has bad intentions instead of good intentions and curiosity? Are they treating you like an animal even if they are Black? If not, then why do you have a problem with Black people touching your hair? Okay, you may not want strangers to touch you, understandable.

But why in the world can't your friends, family, or dates touch your hair? You mean a guy can kiss you or sleep with you but he can't touch your hair??? This is a case where ignorance really is bliss because if your mind was not so filled with thoughts and stories about racism then you would actually enjoy having your hair touched. I had it done last night and I loved it! And guess what...I touched his hair too and it felt good! Did you know that many men LOVE to have their heads touched and massaged by women? If it is so horrible then why do they like it? One of your most powerful romantic tools as a woman is the power of your touch...use it instead of giving up sex so easily! Is this about weaves that you are ashamed of? Some many women say I love to change up their style, it's just hair so it's not important, White women wear weaves etc. so why make a fuss if it's not big deal? Is this about using greasy products? Well then maybe you need to stop buying that useless crap that's marketed to us and start using something different. I don't use any grease or oils on my hair and it feels fantastic (I'm all about super moisturizing with conditioner).

I think this is weird. Why are you so defensive and closed off? Why is this such a big deal? I get grossed out when people burp or pick their noses, but touching my hair, even by strangers doesn't anger me. I just don't feel the way you do about this issue. Here is the link to another funny (but crude) VIDEO about a man's views on the issue. 

Black ladies, do you realize that women of other races let their friends, family, and romantic interests touch their hair? It is a sign of affection and it feels good to the woman and the person touching their hair. People would not allow or try to do it if it didn't feel good. I get that it may be annoying if a stranger just grabs your hair without asking or if you are a germaphobe but if someone you know asks why make such a big deal over it? It make you look like a nutbar! It's your hair not your breast or something! People don't try to touch smelly, dirty, ugly hair. They touch hair that looks like it would feel good or at least not unpleasant. I would think that after having a horrible experience touching nasty hair people would stop trying to do it, so obviously they have had good experiences with it. The people who ask to touch have probably also had the pleasure of having their hair touched. This may explain why some are shocked by your aversion. It reminds me of how weird it is when people react negatively to a compliment...that goes against the complimenter's experience giving and receiving compliments.

The whole hair thing also reminds me of those stories of babies raised in Russian orphanages. You can read about the benefits of touch in this article called Touching Empathy. It's like some Black women are deprived of being touched in a good way and the article explains all the positive things that these women have not received. It's really an unfortunate thing. But there is a reason why hugs and massages feel good and they have nothing to do with you being treated like an animal in a zoo! These things are pleasurable, this is the "good touch." Ask yourself how often you received the "good touch" from family, friends, and love interests in your life? Are you uncomfortable showing or receiving physical affection? If so then you are missing out on one of the most enjoyable things in life. If you have received the "bad touch" and that is the reason why you don't like being touched then this may actually be good for you so you can find out that not all touch is horrible. You need to desensitize yourself to the anxiety raised when someone touches or wants to touch you. This also reminds me of all of those movies where a person is afraid to do something they have never done before and an experienced teacher tells them to "let go of your inhibitions" because they will see there is nothing to fear and it is their thoughts that are keeping them back from experiencing something that could positively change their life. Maybe it would help you to let someone you care about touch your hair and you could touch theirs. I think Black women need to get over this issue and allow themselves to feel what other people are experiencing.

Someone may come back stating during slavery this, during Jim Crow that, racists think A, B, and C as reasons why they won't let someone they know touch their hair. I don't see the point in referring to the way people acted so far in the past (before many were born) or to what happened in another country. My being Canadian from the Caribbean is probably part of the reason why I don't look to those things as reasons why someone shouldn't be allowed to touch my hair. I also know my hair feels amazing so I have nothing to fear. I guess when it comes to touching my hair that's one issue where I'm extremely liberal. I've heard that in some countries there are actually people called "Untouchables" because of their social caste, they are treated horribly, and they are prevented from having the opportunities that the rest of society enjoys. I think that's awful. Why are you labeling yourself untouchable? What's the worst thing that could happen if someone touched your hair? It's one thing if you used too much product or it's too dry so you think the person will react negatively, but thinking up all of these racist, animal in a zoo fears is really, really excessive.

But you can do whatever you want to do and you don't have to let anyone touch your hair ever...do what you want. I'm writing about this because I find it annoying when people put out statements saying "never touch a Black woman's hair" because I am Black and I don't want people to treat me differently from other women  :)

Related Articles:
Evidence that little touches do mean so much (excellent)
Touching makes you healthier
The benefits of human touch
Touchless society (video)
Hair touching: why I don't necessarily mind it
Black women want their heads rubbed too
Playing with her hair: Does it make sense?
Pick up artists are actually teaching men to touch women's hair (some foul language)
Advice from AskMen.com, "Maintaining their gorgeous locks isn’t the only reason women go to their hairstylists so often. The process of wash, cut, color, and styling can actually be quite a stress reliever. Running your hands gently through her hair is a surefire way to send tingles down her spine. Let your fingers massage circles from her temples to the nape of her neck and she’ll be putty in your hands." not applicable to  some Black women I guess.

Just because...Edgy pixie cuts are back, but do they kill your attraction?
Why do men like women with long hair? "Another reason why men love long hair in women is that, they love to touch it. Men love to touch women, hug women, they like to think about touching your soft hair and it's very attractive to them."
Do men prefer long hair on women? The answer is yes

New Found Freedom

I haven't made a blog post in a while. I think it's because ever since I shed the burden of "uplifting the race" and decided that I should stay away from commenting on African American issues (because I'm Canadian with parents of Caribbean descent) I haven't been reading or commenting on blog posts the way I used to. Reading and commenting on controversial articles would stir up my emotions and ideas and prompt me to write a flurry of blog posts. The same thing happened when I read feminist articles and I've been staying away from them too.

So now when I read articles I just say to myself that it's American, those things haven't affected my life, and I have no reason to be angry any more than I do about bad things that happen all over the world (and there is no point in being angry all the time about every bad thing). Sometimes I start reading a post and it quickly occurs to me that the person is clearly showing a "victim mentality" or that they embrace the idea that "Black women are handicapped" due to their Blackness and this prevents me from becoming alarmed or feeling personally threatened by racism, poor dating prospects, or the idea that my life will be horrible just because I am Black. My life is going fine and I don't feel threatened so that's why I have shed the victim mentality and handicapped labels that I co-opted from African Americans from the books, blogs, shows, and movies I used to consume on a regular basis. I am Black but my experiences are very different from the one's I was consuming and I don't think it feels good or is really helpful for anyone to feel the way I did. Unfortunately I think it is actually encouraged and thought to be "normal" for Black people in the U.S. to think and feel that way.

I also think to myself that there is no point arguing with someone online about these things because the argument will not change anything anyway. As a result I haven't gotten upset about anything I have read this week and haven't gotten into any online arguments (although that has been rare lately anyway)! I feel so free now! I can read things and not let them put me into a bad mood and cause me to spend hours reading and writing about a topic instead of doing something that would be more beneficial to me.

So now I have more free time to work on self-improvement and I'm going to focus on reading more books and articles on topics that interest me. Right now I'm reading "Men are From Mars, and Women are From Venus" and I will do a review of the book once I am finished (so far it's really good). I am also going to get a library card and I will start reading on a regular basis. I have been spending too much time watching TV and movies on the internet and I want to be doing other things. I'm still on the job hunt and that has to take priority. I'm going to buy that Emily Post etiquette book as soon as possible. I'm going to exercise and just go out more around the city instead of staying home. I need to be more active too. Time to step away more often from the computer, become the best person I can be, and really get out there and live the best life I can!

Staying Away From Controversy and Online Activism

I think that being a positive person and surrounding oneself with positive things is very important for one's health and success. Being around negative things, living in a negative and hostile environment, and being around negative or draining people can bring you down and derail you from your personal goals and focus on the positive things in your life. In my offline life everything is going great and I am not surrounded by negativity...so why do I allow that in my online life? I know plenty of people who don't even read blogs or comment at all! 

As many people have noticed, the internet can bring out the worst in people and sometimes that is the case with me. Oh I have improved so much in terms of avoiding commentary by Black males about Black women and those Men's Rights videos criticizing women because those were so negative, hostile, misogynistic, vile, and full of foul language and they just made me so angry. I think that in the past few months I have only watched and made a negative comment on one such video (it was restrained and poised though). I don't feel the need to watch any more. I also avoid listening to many videos that contain foul language, I really have no tolerance for them and I feel no obligation to suffer through that vulgarity in order to hear a person's supposedly important message. 

But what I am realizing is that I have to be extremely vigilant about commenting on controversial African American (AA) women's issues on other blogs! One reason is because VERY often discussions of the negative experiences of AA women end up asking the reader to "do something", "fight something", "come up with solutions", and "solve the problem" and as you know I no longer feel the obligation to "lift up the race". I have no intentions at this time to do anything (other than signing a petition) to remedy any injustices and inequalities although I would be glad to see the improvements. Most people online probably feel the same way but won't say so and although everyone has opinions most are not activists. 

All I am willing to do at the moment is be a good person, possibly mentor someone offline, and lead by example.  This is a blog about improving myself and my feelings about being a Black woman and it is not an activism site. Someone may benefit from it as they would from a self-help book but I do not want to be involved with online activism. I tried that before and it ended badly. Furthermore, other than changing an individual person's behaviour and thinking I do not think that online discussions about Black issues change anything on a systematic level because it is all talk and no plans for action on a systematic level. There is no point getting angry at an individual's commentary when it really won't change things systematically anyway. It is just arguing with minimal benefit to anyone so it is exposing myself to negative issues and commentary that has a negative effect on me for no good reason.

One may argue that exposing myself to these issues will raise my "awareness" of what is going on for Black women and staying away from these messages will result in me being unaware, out of touch, and uncaring perhaps like Marie Antoinette. Well since I am Canadian I think I should focus more on issues where I live (that I have mostly been ignoring because I found it boring) instead of African American issues (that tend to appear more extreme or in the case of televised news, more entertaining). I will have to remember that I am a passive observer of all American content, not to take it personally, and not to co-opt the anger of someone else because I have no reason to be angry in my life. Yes of course there are injustices and inequalities but right now I don't see the benefit of making myself upset about them out of some "race loyalty" while I should be focusing on my personal goals. 

Although racism of course does exist in Canada there are so many differences when compared to the U.S. For instance Black people are only about 1.3% of the population (I think) and the largest minority is Asian; most of our Black media images are from the U.S. and is extreme compared to my middle class life; most of us came from the Caribbean and there is little discussion of the impacts of slavery which comes up in every discussion of African American issues; it's way more accepted to befriend, date, and marry interracially so race issues don't have to be as salient; and just from my experience people are not as angry and focused on race. So I am willing to be out of touch when it comes to U.S. racial issues and don't see the point of being constantly outraged about what is happening where I don't live. Some may be offended by this but really, how concerned are you about what's happening in Canada if you don't live here? It's normal to be more concerned about where you actually live.

So I think that I'll keep focusing on self-improvement, becoming an EBW, starting my career, dating, and starting a family in the near future. I'll restrict how many controversial U.S. articles I read. When I do read I won't bother commenting on controversial American issues unless I agree with the author and won't bother saying anything if I disagree. I won't come to the rescue of anyone online as I would for someone I actually know. I'm going to restrict myself to being positive in all of my comments for a long time in order to foster the feminine trait of being pleasant and agreeable. Of course I can disagree but I won't go around saying I disagree or getting into arguments online. We have to remember that the internet is a new thing and people in the past did not spend hours reading controversial issues and arguing online! Instead they focused their time talking to people they actually know where there are consequences for their actions. If and when I decide to volunteer or support something it will be in my offline life and not limited to racial issues. I have no desire to be an activist at this time like many other people. This will benefit me greatly at this time and is a huge burden off my shoulders. 

Some Black Women Are Labeling Themselves "Handicapped"

I'll start off this post with a warning that if you have a physical or mental disability this post may rub you the wrong way so maybe you should skip it. This post is directed towards women like myself who grew up well, have little to complain about, grew up in multicultural areas, and have had pretty good lives. If you did not have the same experience please do not freak out about this post because it was not meant for you. If you have had many difficulties in your life then this post is not about you.

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Last week I was out with friends and we met a nice looking man. He started to speak and it turned out he had a really bad stutter to the point where it took three or four times longer to introduce himself and ask a question than it would take someone without a stutter. When I got home I thought about the man and it got me so upset! I thought about how hard it must be for him to make friends because it was so difficult for him to communicate. I wondered how people treated him and what he was able to do for work. I also worried about what he thought of himself and his future. I felt so sad about it and thought to myself that if I were in his shoes I didn't think I would be able to go on living because it would be too hard, and I probably would not get what I wanted out of life so why bother. I remembered how hard things were for me socially in school and having a stutter like that would have made things even worse. I had no idea how this man could have made it through. 

Flash forward to today when I was reading some blogs and a thought popped into my head, "When non-Black people look at Black people do they feel the same way I did about the stuttering man?" Because of our constant talk about the effects of slavery, racism, and poverty and our need for others to acknowledge these things, do non-Black people consider us to have a physical/mental disability that prevents us from doing what they are able to do? I think this may be true! I do think that some of this disability thinking is due to racism of course because historically racist scientists have promoted the stereotype that Black people are not intelligent. Some of it also has to do with studies that indicate that growing up in an impoverished environment can hinder success and abilities. Another contributor is research that shows the negative impact of stress on people's development and functioning. But on top of these three things there are also Black people who are constantly stating that we are damaged, our lives are more stressful, and life is harder for us than it is for other people! We are endorsing the idea that ALL Black people who are descendants of slaves are damaged and have so much baggage that they are handicapped compared to non-Black people! This mentality is evident whenever someone says they can't/won't/don't/never/only do something because of slavery, racism, or because they are Black.

UPDATE: I am not crazy for noticing this and the fact that it is a problem. This has gotten so out of hand that a researcher is proposing the term Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome to describe this phenomenon! Other Black people are also endorsing the existence of a Willie Lynch syndrome (based on a fake letter!) to explain fighting among Black people! So there you go, Black people are pathologizing themselves and implying that they are suffering from slavery/racism induced illnesses that only affect African Americans. So please go harass those people instead of me because I am against labeling African Americans with these disorders.

Extremes are never good. There is a need to acknowledge slavery/racism/poverty but when we claim that ALL Black people are negatively affected by these things, constantly stressed, hurt, and limited by these things then we are labeling ourselves as handicapped! I understand that the purpose of talking about these things is to bring about change but is it actually helping or hurting Black people now? Black people paint their problems as race-based rather than situation- or individual-based unlike other groups. Other groups have problems but they don't claim that they are due to something historical that has permanently handicapped them (except feminists maybe). I also understand that if some problems are not labelled "Black" then the fear (possibly realistic) is that their problems will be ignored and resources will be diverted to other groups. So I do understand these points but I think that things have gotten to an extreme where many highly functioning Black people are acting and thinking as though they are disabled or victims when they are not. 

Now it is one thing if you actually were abused, grew up impoverished, or actually have a physical or mental disability, but what if you didn't have any of those problems? How could this harm Black girls/women who grew up well and are just as capable as non-White people. Well in school teachers may have lowered expectations and research has shown that when teachers are informed ahead of time that a student has a history of doing poorly then they often grade the student more harshly which continues the history. Conversely, when teachers are informed that a student has a history of doing well (e.g., often assumed of Asian students) then teachers are more likely to give them better grades. The same thing applies when teachers are told that a child gets into trouble. So if Black girls are thought to be disadvantaged then teachers may actually give them lower grades and be harsher about their conduct in school. As we have seen with Black males, many are automatically put into general classes and steered away from college because school staff believe they are unable to do the advanced work other students can do.

This handicapped idea could harm Black women in the workplace. Employers may assume that the potential employee will have difficulty fitting in, there may be a communication problem, behaviour problems, or the woman may be less able to do the job or manage stress compared to a non-Black employee. Because of this the woman may not be hired. If she is hired then the expectations for her may be low, her work may be evaluated more negatively, she may not get promotions because she is assumed to be less capable, coworkers may ascribe behaviour problems to her when there are none, and coworkers may be uncomfortable around her. Coworkers may feel that they have to make special accommodations for "her blackness problem" and they will likely find that inconvenient and unfair because they do not need the same accommodations.

The handicapped idea will also have a negative impact on Black women in regards to dating. Potential suitors may see a Black woman as damaged, carrying too much baggage, being too difficult, and being too different from other women so they choose not to pursue her. They know how to interact with other women but they fear Black women are too different and they will have to make special accommodations for "their Blackness problem". It's as though some of us are saying a man has to have training in how to be with Black women and training in how to cope with "Blackness" before he is qualified to date you! Unless he is trained in how to talk to you, not touch your hair, how to act around other Black people, and how to respond to anything racist then a man would be too inexperienced to cope with your disability (being a man is not enough)! Some men would rather not deal with that and will go for someone who they do not see as being disabled. Why does he need a manual and specialized training to date you and not other women?

I think that if we want to be treated like other women then we have to stop doing things that are so different from them otherwise we will seem handicapped when compared to those women. Other people do not want to deal with these issues, they may accept them for a while out of guilt/sympathy/empathy, but others just won't want to deal with us. I have been VERY GUILTY of labeling myself as handicapped due to Blackness when really I did not grow up impoverished, I had two parents, I was not horribly abused, I experienced limited racism, and like everyone else I was never a slave. I co-opted the anger of other Black people and actually made myself appear handicapped because of that anger, focus on racism, and need to assert my racial-affiliation unlike women of other races. 

These are some of the ways that Black women are making themselves appear handicapped or in need of special treatment/care/accommodations when compared to other women:

• Sensitivity to racism as evidenced by frequent accusations
• Sensitivity to lack of diversity evidenced by constant complaints about it
• Handicapped by feeling less attractive and desirable than other races of women
• Handicapped by only being able to do "Black things" and "keeping it real"
• Difficulty accepting or asking for help because of special independence needs
• Difficulty getting along with non-Black people
• Inability to wear natural hair
• Inability to tolerate hair touching or commentary by non-Black people
• Inability to find a man
• Inability to see non-Black people as attractive, role models, dating partners, or friends
• Predisposition to be overweight because of slavery/poor neighborhoods/genetics/preference
• Predisposition to have a bad attitude caused by constant current/historical mistreatment
• Predisposition to speak poorly due to poverty/keeping it real/hip hop culture
• Inability to exercise due to hair handicap or because "it's for White people"
• Inability to wear feminine clothing because of street harassment/hip hop culture
• Inability to act feminine due to slavery/racism/single moms

Some of the disabilities/limitations on the list can be "cured" by individual women choosing their battles and not complaining all the time about every little thing; being more open in their experiences, activities, and relationships; working on accepting their natural characteristics; engaging in healthy activities that are the norm for other women; trying to be feminine like other women; and trying to improve their lives so that some problems will no longer affect them. Unfortunately, when White women complain about something it becomes a race-less "women's issue" but when Black women complain then it is a "Black issue" and a sign that we are deficient when compared to them. I'm really not sure what to do about this! If we decide to just focus on "women's issues" we know that Black women will be ignored because they will not be the majority who are concerned. I think that it would be helpful if we started labeling some things as "personal issues" that vary from person to person rather than "Black issues" that outsiders will assume we all have. So it helps to have modifiers like "some women", "many women" etc. rather than just saying "Black women have problem X". We all really have to do some deep thinking because maybe some of us actually think we are disabled and that is holding us back from really enjoying our lives and being out best selves.

Victim Mentality may be Limiting Your Potentential

VERY CONTROVERSIAL POST! Please read some or all of these articles before you read this post so that you don't get unnecessarily upset. Thank you. 
Victim mentality (great!)
The victim mentality (great!)
How to break out of the victim mentality: 7 powerful steps
Victim mentality (very good)
Victim mentality
Overcome victim mentality
Avoiding victim mentality (harsh but true)
Racism and the Myth of Victim Mentality by Tim Wise. While I agree with some of it I also disagree with some of it probably because the examples were so simplified. Of course it is necessary to talk to Black people about racism and warn them about it. But it can be harmful for a person to look at photos of lynchings, read hate literature, or read detailed descriptions of slaves being tortured and raped. Those things can permanently change the way a person views the world. Constant exposure to such things can be taxing and depressing. So I believe some discussion of racism is fine and necessary like Tim Wise but I also agree with the conservatives that too much can cause victim mentality in Black people. He also ignores the scientific research behind the concept.

“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”

Richard Bach

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

John W. Gardner

About five years ago I bought the book "Roots" by Alex Haley at a thrift shop and I read it. It was the first Black history book I had ever read. I feel that reading it was traumatic! The detail of the horrible tortures of Kunta Kinte, his daughter Kizzie, and all of the other slaves was so awful. It was hard to imagine that anyone could be so brutal and think that they were good people at the same time. It was horrifying and I cried A LOT! It changed me and it was almost like something inside me died for about three years. After that I started reading other Black history books and became more and more angry and hopeless about the plight of Black people. I decided to stop relaxing my hair and I stopped listening to music from White musicians. I started reading Black blogs exclusively and decided I should no longer be attracted to White men and that I would only date Black men. I joined an online Black activism group where everyone constantly talked about racism and fighting "the evil White man". In school I wrote papers about racism and constantly talked about Black history and racism. I was suspicious and possibly hostile to some White people. This was because I was so angry about the injustice and I wanted someone to pay for it. When things did not go well for me in school I wondered if it was because of racism. I thought retrospectively about my life and wondered if other negative things in my life happened because of racism and just because I was Black. I thought my future goals would never actually happen because some racist would stand in my way.

Now, five years later I realize that I took on a victim mentality and this was welcomed by other people with the same mentality online. A person with a victim mentality believes that the bad things in their life happened because of other people or forces over which they have no control. They do not feel responsible for things that happen in their lives because someone else is to blame. Due to this mentality they don't feel the need to change anything about themselves or do anything different other than focusing on the person who victimized them. Prior to this unhappy time I wasn't very happy and I did have some victimization beliefs but at the same time I was high achieving and I worked hard for what I wanted. So I had internal motivation, the external motivation of my parents, and some beliefs that I was "cursed" and that life was just harder for me. My Black history immersion, constant reading of Black activism blogs, and frequent online interactions with other people with victim mentalities threw me over the edge. It was fortunate for me that I didn't totally sabotage myself by ruining relationships with all the White people I knew by starting arguments or accusing people of racism when there was none. I'm glad I didn't decide to quit "the White man's education system", remove myself from mainstream society, and join some all-Black activist group. I left that mindset behind and I no longer feel like a victim (most of the time, I still have to watch out for it).

I think that many Black people may be sabotaging themselves because they spend so much time and energy hating White people and expecting an apology for things they are not directly responsible for. They are also too wrapped up in hopes that Black people will somehow take over and come into power the way they were in ancient Africa and somehow that will rectify past injustices. When anyone suggests things these people can do to improve their lives they say (emphatically) that "Black people have no power", "I don't have to change anything because White people caused the problem", or "our lives won't improve until White people stop being racist". This is so frustrating! Although my victim mentality was high, I still had a lot of personal agency, I made plans, worked hard, accepted setbacks, and tried again. I'm sure that these people must have some personal agency in their lives but maybe they just don't see it or want to admit it. What I want to know is if White people apologize for racism what happens then? Even if they were to give all Black Americans $1000 in reparations, what happens after that? What are you going to do then to make your life better? This blog is my way to cope with that question. White people don't have to apologize, give me reparations, or do anything before I can use my power to shape my life and live the best life I can.

Acknowledgement: I readily admit that I may be too middle class and educated/intellectual to really understand how many people are feeling about this issue. I might be "out of touch" but these are my opinions nonetheless. It may actually be helpful for others to hear how someone like me sincerely thinks and that Black people actually differ in opinion. I'm finding that I'm actually agreeing with a lot of what conservatives are saying about this issue and the progressives are looking illogical to me. I guess I have to face the sobering fact that I have always had some conservative values and although I consider myself to be a liberal, I'm becoming more conservative the older I get (*sigh*). I guess when crimes happen I don't focus on them because that's the job of the police and the courts so I don't concern myself with who did what etc. because what's the post of speculating on events that I did not witness? Instead I focus on something I find intriguing about people's behaviour (and their choices) and my reaction to that behaviour; something I can actually examine and potentially change. So here it is... I think that the public reaction to the Trayvon Martin case is maybe the largest, international instance of victim mentality I have ever witnessed! Not only are people dressing like the victim and purchasing his preferred drink and candy but they are actually saying "I am Trayvon"!!! They feel like their sons, brothers, husbands, and even themselves have been murdered or they are at risk for being murdered! Every Black man who has ever been harassed by police or treated poorly by White people is immersed in victim mentality right now. They feel as though they have been assaulted and that they are next to die! They sound very afraid, sad, worried, and helpless about protecting themselves from outside forces.

If someone suggests that these men are more likely to be shot by a Black person than a White person so why worry about White people they call that trying to ignore or excuse racism (I GUARANTEE they will say this). If you suggest maybe they should not dress like gangsters because it scares people they insist the scared people are racist and need to stop being scared. If you suggest anything that involves improving themselves they resist and insist that White people and society needs to change first. Don't even try to ask why they only get outraged after the rare instance when a White person kills a Black person and why they don't try to improve black communities to prevent Black-on-Black crime. Or that rap music has made people afraid of Black men and it makes black men look like aggressive criminals. They won't listen. Fighting racism (if that's even possible. Maybe it can be prevented in children but a true racist won't change just because their hated group tells them it's wrong) is a long-term thing but what are they going to do in the meantime? I think the answer is that they won't be doing anything different.

People are also saying that asking Black men to not dress like gangsters to avoid looking suspicious is the same as asking women to not wear short skirts to avoid getting raped. Well, part of victim mentality is feeling powerless and never looking at your own behaviour in a situation so I guess they are right. Taking on the victim role has it's advantages for people so they don't feel bad after they are victimized but unfortunately there is no place for personal responsibility or taking safety measures with this mindset. Feeling empowered that you control your life, that your power can help you overcome any bad thing that happens to you, and that you can have control of your life again also feels really good too! You have to choose whether you see yourself as having power or not and accept the consequences that choice may have for you mentally. If you want to change your victim mentality you can seek help from a professional or read articles like the ones posted above. I hope you can break out of this mindset.

Alternative views on Trayvon Martin case:
Why Geraldo was wrong for the right reasons (this what what I thought about Geraldo's comments)
Call it 'profiling' but people act on their assumptions
Geraldo and hoodies
Dissecting Geraldo Rivera's hoodie comment
How to talk to young Black boys about Trayvon Martin
Criminals give hoodies a bad rap
The hoodie: Fashion trend, criminal uniform, now symbol of social injustice
LAPD: In stores, keep hoodie on, but lower the hood