Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most

Cross posted at Beyond Black & White

Let's see how this one goes over...

Here is a definition of prejudice from an online dictionary:

A (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.  B : an instance of such judgment or opinion. C : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics. (emphasis added)

I think that some Black people can be very prejudiced. I thought that I would highlight the word hostility in that definition because I believe that this hostility is seriously harmful to Black people. I'll go out on a limb and state that people don't like hostile people. When someone acts or looks hostile that spells 'danger' to most people and they want to avoid hostile people. Here is a definition for hostile:

A : of or relating to an enemy <hostile fire>. B : marked by malevolence : having or showing unfriendly feelings <a hostile act>. C : openly opposed or resisting <a hostile critic> <hostile to new ideas>. D (1) : not hospitable <plants growing in a hostile environment> (2) : having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature <a hostile workplace>.

That doesn't sound good does it? You wouldn't want to be friends with someone who appears hostile. In fact you might not want to approach someone who even has a reputation for being hostile. This would not be the type of person you would want to strike up a conversation with, ask for directions, or hire for a job. No one likes hostile sales people or waiters. No one likes hostile teachers or bosses. No one likes to be around someone who is openly unfriendly, opposed, intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive. So, if this is the case then why in the world do some Black people act so hostile? Isn't it in their best interest to not appear hostile so that they can get along in society without being treated like a threatening enemy?

Now I know some people will immediately launch into the usual excuses. For example, "It dates back to slavery. Black people should be angry and hostile because of all the racist things that happened back then and even today". Or, "It's a defense mechanism because many of us live in hostile environments and this keeps others from bothering us". Or, "We aren't hostile, ever since slavery White people have thought of us as hostile and nothing we can do will change that". Or even, "What do you suggest, we should start shuckin' and jivin' so we don't upset the White folks"?  The most common one I hear is, "Well people are hostile to me so I'll be hostile right back. I won't let people walk all over me and do nothing". Well in the words of Dr. Phil, I have to ask, "How's that working for you?" (see I don't even like Dr. Phil but I still learned something from him).

I remember a time a few years ago when I was pretty hostile towards White people. I was reading a lot of African American history and I was really angry. I stopped listening to White music, stopped watching White shows, and I was always talking about racism and injustice. I was also being hostile towards White people and everyone I worked with and went to school with was White! So, what ended up happening? Well other students and coworkers developed stronger friendships. When I needed help with things I usually didn't ask because I feared I would be rejected. I didn't hear about important opportunities because I wasn't hanging out with the other students/coworkers. People thought I was aloof and didn't care. I was the angry Black woman always talking about racism, activism, how she didn't fit in, and how she was different. Surprised??? Fortunately I came to my senses and realized I was angry about things that had not happened to me personally and I was taking it out on people who had done nothing to harm me. I was being hostile to people who I needed and I was lonely because I saw the people around me as enemies instead of allies. Thank goodness I wasn't too horrible and this behavior did not harm my career! I think that things would have been much better though if I had had people looking out for me and if I had their support along the way. The hostility I had did nothing but keep me in a negative mood, keep me from making friends and having fun, and keep me from making important career connections. It was not beneficial to me AT ALL. It wasn't working for me so I stopped. I hope you can stop too.

The actual reason why I wrote this post is because the hostility I see in Black women towards non-Black women is really making us look bad! It comes off as jealousy, petty bitterness, or just meanness and unnecessary hostility. For example, a post was done about lessons we can learn from Elin Nordegren (Tiger Wood's ex). The post said she was a European beauty and made a point to show a beautiful Black woman as well. But one comment stood out to me. The gist of the comment was, "She's not all that, she just looks like a plain White woman" (it reminds me of this previous post). I just wonder why do some women/people feel the need to be negative and hostile like that. Why bother to say that at all? It just sounds like you feel obligated to bring the other person down. I've noticed this a lot and it bothers me. When someone says something positive about a non-Black person, some Black people just go out of their way to say something negative and dismissive.

Unfortunately, this inter-racial hostility is even applied intra-racially. For instance, people love to comment on how bad it is to be dark-skin shamed or fat-shamed but being prejudiced and hostile towards light-skinned and skinny women is condoned. One of the excuses is that light-skinned women get White privilege because their skin color is closer to White. The hostility I see towards light-skinned women is just horrible! The same thing goes for skinny women, they are ridiculed for having a body shape that is attractive according to Eurocentric standards (or Hollywood standards). Don't even get me started with the strange phenomenon of Black people complaining that every highly attractive Black woman has "White features" and doesn't represent "real Black beauty", so Black people should reject her (e.g., Beyonce). It's as though because light-skinned, allegedly Eurocentric looking, and skinny women are lauded in the mainstream media and by White people then it's the duty of Black people to be hostile towards them to even things out! In my opinion, the hostility doesn't even things out at all, it just makes the hostile people look even worse because they are picking on people who are well liked. It totally backfires.

Let me put it this way, think back to childhood about the most beautiful and popular girl at school. Now was it better for your status to be a friend to that girl or her enemy? Was it beneficial to be mean to that girl or would it backfire when people came to her defense and rejected you for hurting their darling? No, it was always better to be in her friend, learn her methods for getting people to like her, and to be in her circle of the best people at school and benefit from the association. By just associating with or enhancing your similarities with the most popular, attractive, influential people you become that by association. By being hostile to those people you just make yourself look bad and ruin any chance that they will help you to achieve your desired status or goals. Black people do accept some non-Black people who they think are "down" and have earned their "Black card". Well they earned that by being open and accepting of Black people. How do you expect non-Black people to be open and accepting of you if you are so consistently hostile towards them?

So the point I am trying to make is that it's not in Black women's (or Black men's) benefit to be seen as hostile, difficult, angry, or mean. We won't be seen as the "nice girls" (or guys). We will seem like bullies that no one wants to support, help, or protect.  Instead, we should be open to learning from other people, regardless or race, if they have achieved what we desire. We might actually have common interests and that is the basis of many friendships. Instead of automatically acting hostile and rejecting non-Black people we have to be more open to learning and making useful relationships. These people can help you to improve your life (even by just observing them). Now this doesn't mean you have to put all of your trust into them, tell them all your secrets, worship them, let them mistreat you, or be their mammy! I'm not saying  let these women be mean to you and just grin and bear it so you don't end up on their bad side. I'm ONLY saying, don't be prejudiced and hostile to people just because they aren't Black. I'm also saying don't be prejudiced and hostile to Black or biracial people just because they don't look "as Black" as you think they should. Your life will probably take a turn for the better if you are more open to new experiences and new people!

Warning: Just as a Black person can end up being a bad influence, jealous, a backstabber, a frenemy, or someone who betrays your trust and hurts you, the same thing can happen with relationships with non-Black people. Relationships are relationships. Some people will like you and want to be your friend while others will not. There are some people you shouldn't try to be friends with so use your common sense and judgement about that. Black friends can get on your nerves, be insensitive, and hurt your feelings too. Just as you could have a long, positive, and life-changing relationship with at Black person, the same could happen with a non-Black person. Inter-racial friendships/acquaintances may be no better or worse than inter-racial friendships/relationships, just try to get as many of them as you need, want, or can handle. Considering that this blog is supportive of interracial romantic relationships, if you date interracially you will obviously come in contact with non-Black people. If you are hostile and prejudiced towards them then your dating relationships might not last and you will never fit in with your partner's family and friends.

EBWs Need People Skills

This post was inspired by an article on The Feminine Black Woman called "Black Girls Please be Nice". The post mentions that being nice is part of having "people skills", but what are people skills? As I have mentioned in recent posts, I'm going to concern myself more with improving myself, getting along with others, and having great relationships rather than complaining about the behaviours, privileges, or possessions of others. I'm going to try to be the most attractive, friendly, kind, feminine, and pleasant woman I can be and try to get/keep as many privileges or benefits from that as possible. Of course being attractive, friendly, kind, feminine, and pleasant will make me feel great anyway but person with these qualities will also get along well with others and be liked and this is a great benefit.


I see nothing wrong with learning how to be liked, how get along with others, and how to be pleasant. Many of these things are taught to children to help them function in the social world. Many of these things are taught to socially anxious or awkward people who have trouble making friends or people with behaviour problems that get them into trouble. These are also things taught to employees and business professionals who's ability to be liked by coworkers and clients is essential for their success. Some people are just naturally likable, popular, and friendly but for whatever reason, others are not and they struggle to be liked. One thing less well liked people can do is learn from well liked people and research about well liked people with the goal of increasing personal qualities and behaviours that contribute to being liked and reducing qualities and behaviours that contribute to being disliked.

I'll use a sprinter as an example. If a young woman wants to become a champion, Gold medal sprinter then she has to learn how to be one! She has to seek training from a coach, learn how much she has to practice, proper technique, form, nutrition, and motivation and then enact everything she has learned. A champion sprinter is not just self-trained with absolutely no knowledge of what other champion or competing sprinters are doing. They also have coaches with years of sprinting knowledge that they pass onto them. This is the way I feel about learning how to be the best friend, coworker, employee, girlfriend, wife, student, woman, and person...one has to learn what it takes, observe the best, and practice until what is learned becomes habit. Being a great person takes skills...people skills!


"People Skills (or Social skills) are most often thought of as a set of skills that allow us to communicate, relate and socialise with others. People skills include both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication. They often are the way others determine our status, consider us as potential friends or mates, and consider us for employment or promotions in the workplace. The opposite of good People skills is social ineptitude, which is an inability to use the defined set of social skills that would make one integrate and get on well with others (source)." There is a short post about people skills on Wikipedia but it does mention that teachings about people skills have been around for centuries and even the Bible can be considered to be an instructional manual for people skills. It also mentions the best-selling self-help book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" that I read a long time ago (see, people really want to learn this stuff and will pay for it!). Just reading the descriptions of the chapters alone sounds like exactly what an EBW needs to be successful. I probably already know a lot of these things, but like many of us, I may have forgotten some advice or I may not be using it as often as I could. So now I need a people skills tutorial refresher course!

I think there is a simple thing that one can remember when trying to get along with others: if you arouse negative feelings in others they will not like you but if you arouse positive feelings they will like you. Simple! Things that arouse negative feelings include bragging, complaining, criticizing, insulting, ignoring, pressuring, offending, burdening, taking for granted, not having good manners, being obnoxious, being embarrassing, being rude, being strange or odd, being difficult, being disruptive, being bossy, being unkempt or unattractive (sorry but true), looking unpleasant and many other things. All one has to do is think about behaviours that one finds unpleasant and try to not do those things. Things that arouse positive feelings in people include paying sincere compliments, flattery, listening to them, making them feel important, trusting them, being accepting and non-judgemental, being friendly, being kind and nice, helping, paying attention to them, inviting and including them, talking to them, saying hi, smiling, using pleasant words, speaking in a pleasant manner, being happy, being positive and optimistic, being fun, being lighthearted, being sincere, caring, being attractive (sorry but true), being popular, being admirable and other things. All one has to do is think about the qualities of people one like and admires to come up with such a list and try to show these qualities whenever possible. 

I think that what BW have to realize is that these negative and positive feelings are natural and often automatic and unconscious to people. This isn't just something that happens to judgemental, racist, sexist, shallow people, it happens automatically to EVERYONE. The feelings can happen in an instant so as soon as someone sees you or you do something the damage (or good effect) is done and your explaining the reasons for your behaviour (e.g., bad day, history of oppression, victim of society etc.) will not un-ring that bell. Life will be much harder for you if people have negative feelings as soon as they see you or as soon as you open your mouth. So if you look unpleasant (e.g., unattractive, mean, hard, unhappy, angry, unkempt, strange--nonverbal communication) and sound unpleasant (harsh, loud, obnoxious, cursing, rude--verbal communication) then you will quickly arouse negative feelings and be disliked. Some people will not bother to get to know you if you arouse negative feelings. If you expect them to look past your negative exterior and behaviour to see the "real you" then you have an enormous sense of entitlement and expect special treatment that probably won't happen. When I hear women say, "If a man really wants me and is a real man then he won't let my 'mean mugging' and harshness deter him" I just shake my head. Why do these women think that they are so attractive that a stranger (who knows nothing of their personality) will overlook the obvious indicators they are unpleasant and still try to be with them? If associating with you is unavoidable then maybe, after getting to know you, you may be liked. In that case you may be told later, "I didn't like you at all when I first met you but now I think you're okay". You don't want to be that person.

Tika Sumpter is saying "I take pride in

my appearance, I'm friendly, happy,

confident,  and I embrace my femininity"

Michelle Obama looking gorgeous!!!

Her nonverbal message is "I'm classy,

upscale, well mannered, modest,

and out of your league boys!"

I think that an issue that some BW have is that they are frequently arousing negative feelings in people and I am not talking about racists. People have a negative reaction to women who are loud, aggressive, rude, obnoxious, confrontational, argumentative, and complaining but some BW embrace these behaviours and expect others to not react. They complain that men are able to do similar things and not be judged as harshly...well I'm sorry but the automatic reaction to men and women exhibiting the same behaviours is different! Your explanation and reasoning after the fact will not un-ring that bell. Many people also experience negative/neutral feelings when they see women who are unnattractive, obese, unkempt, dressed badly, or looking strange. Sorry but that's true and no amount of shaming, explaining why this is unfair, complaining about beauty standards or anything else will change that negative/neutral reaction. I think that a neutral reaction is often likely, for instance, overweight women may be ignored but no negative feelings are experienced when meeting. So if you want to arouse positive feelings instead you need to make sure you are not exhibiting these characteristics.

IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!!! I know, but it's reality and I don't live in fairy tale land or in a future where this isn't the reality, this is the present reality and we need to adapt to it. There is no morality or right and wrong involved with automatic and unconscious reactions. I think that some public service campaigns may be helpful in changing some of the automatic reactions but this takes great effort, time, and exposure to these messages. For instance, all the articles about how unrealistic models and advertising is has had an effect on me so that I am not really affected by seeing thin models, but that took YEARS and avoidance of fashion magazines for YEARS. People are also having less of a negative reaction to dark skin, natural hair, and higher levels or rudeness and vulgarity but that took years of media, immigration, and fashion trends. I think it would be wiser to adapt to the current reality instead of waiting for society to change so that your negative traits become attractive (if that ever happens at all). Attractiveness for instance can be improved and being pleasant physically is a form of non-verbal communication! But of course this is all my opinion, you don't have to change or do anything you don't want to do or adapt to the current reality...it's your choice :) So I'm going to post some links to information about people skills so that we can all learn or get a needed tutorial/refresher. 

Related Articles:

How good are your people skills?: Excellent tutorial!!! MUST READ! Although this refers to the workplace it applies to any time you have to cooperate with others who have different goals and motivations. So this is applicable to romantic relationships and getting along with acquaintances too.
People skills (Great read!!!)
Eight essential people skills, good quote, "Remember that an attitude leads to an emotion, which in turn leads to an action. Shape the attitudes and you have a more reliable way of predicting actions."
10 people skills every government employee should have
What are interpersonal skills? (Good, has links to related lessons)
7 signs you have terrible people skills (I have to work on office politics, networking, and promoting myself)

How do I improve my people skills at work?

Developing people skills video: What I found interesting about this video is that the speaker discusses a time when he wanted to improve his skills to become a better manager but did not think it was possible. But after doing some research he found tips about how to become his best version of a manager and that it required practice. Improving yourself does not mean becoming or pretending to be someone you are not, it is becoming the best version of yourself. Once he improved himself he chose to teach others how to do the same. There is a HUGE field of people who do this...they are called motivational speakers. They teach people how to improve themselves and get what they want instead of blaming others and waiting for them to change or save you.

Emotional intelligence video: You know the more I see videos like this the more confident I am about my self-improvement goals and my values. People who are opposed to self-improvement are so different from me and educators like the man in this video. Critics of self-improvement really don't know what they are talking about and it's best for upwardly mobile people to ignore them.

Emotional intelligence vs. behavioural control Part I, Part2 (very interesting!)

My Thought's On For Harriet's "Why Would I Want to Be A Lady"

Sigh...I just read an article on For Harriet called "Why Would I Want to be a Lady?" It was written by the editor and creator of the blog. I do subscribe to it but I don't read many of the articles because I'm trying to get away from being outraged all the time. I think that the article echos a lot of what young women today think and there was a point, as a teenager, when I did think the same way. As we grow up we are exposed to so many ideas and I think that with young people sometimes whatever is new is valued more. They think that people in the past were so flawed (e.g., racist, oppressed, uneducated, lacking exposure to diversity, without access to today's technology etc.) so their ideas and conventions are probably misguided and should be abandoned in favor of new ideas. That is probably true about many things.

But ideas spoken and written on paper may not have the intended effects when enacted in someone's life. Unlike the old ideas and ways of life, these new ideas have not been lived enough by the people endorsing them or studied to see if they actually lead to better lives. What I'm saying is that our elders have lived through many things and they can tell us what they think worked and did not work, what they think we should have kept, and what new things may be better. Should I trust a younger person when they say we will all be better off doing something that is so different from what was going on in the recent past? How do they know their advice will lead women to have happier lives? For example, how do we know things will be better if the institution of marriage is eliminated, women just raise children alone, men and women start looking and dressing the same, being overweight is the new standard of beauty etc?

The writer states she is an "an ardent feminist in part because many of the character traits I possess naturally are often ascribed to men". Some of the criticisms I'm hearing about feminism is that women were told they would find fulfillment in careers but many did not. Some put off having families and they are regretting that. Others thought that acting like men would help their romantic relationships but their love lives are unsatisfying or nonexistent. I mean isn't it better to take advice from someone who has been happily married for many years over that of a single young person with no marriage experience or someone with open hostility towards men? Many men I talk to today are fine with women working, voting, and having equal rights but most prefer highly feminine women in the traditional sense. We should afford basic respect to people as human beings but just being a woman doesn't deserve high respect neither does just being a man (e.g., only certain people will be followed as leaders, deferred to, given special treatment, admired, sought after etc.). This sort of respect has to be earned and each woman must ask if her behaviour deserves such high respect. I think that the goal of some is to have that high respect and the power and benefits that come with it. A lady gets more respect than the average woman and a gentleman gets more respect than the average man.

She also states, "I'm not a lady. The fact causes me no distress. I'm too vulgar and assertive to ever be classified as such. My hemlines too short, clothes too tight, and language too crass. And my demeanor is not at all demure. Still somehow I manage to live a joyful, fulfilling life without the distinction. I do, however, aspire to be kind, genuine, loving and thoughtful." It's really strange to hear a woman proudly admit she is not a lady and embrace all the negative things associated with not being a lady. Being called anything but a lady is an insult! Furthermore, what is the value of being vulgar, wearing short hems, too tight clothes, and using foul language? Someone who reveals their flesh to the world is less oppressed than someone who doesn't? Someone who can express themselves without vulgarity is caving to patriarchy while the one embracing men's foul language is not? Do such women consider their actions or just do whatever they feel like at the moment, sometimes because it's too much work to consider benefits, risks, and long term consequences? The writer sounds as though she doesn't care about impression management (but I think everyone does). I'll post some articles about it below.

Sometimes people have almost an air of superiority when they state "I don't care what other people think I just do what I want," as if those who do consider their actions and image are weak, oppressed, or slaves. It just reminds me of that story of the grasshopper and the ant where the grasshopper played all year while the ant stored food for the winter. When the winter came the grasshopper had nothing and starved. It's hard work preparing, planning, and controlling yourself so that you can get rewards in the future. It's called delayed gratification. It's easier (or lazier) to just not care and do whatever but it doesn't guarantee a good or stress free life in my opinion (you may be happy now but unhappy later). There are just different stressors. People who delay gratification and control their behaviour feel free behind closed doors, among people they trust, on vacation, or when they have accumulated enough power and resources. As long as you don't go overboard it's really not that hard. Well all in all the article was not surprising and this is the way many women think. These women look down on those like myself yet they are conforming to feminist norm as well as masculine norms as a form of protest. I prefer being a lady and having everything I want including high respect. I'd be curious to know if the author notices that other women get more respect than she does and why she thinks that is? I wonder if she would actually care?

P.S. I also want to say that women AND men deal with high expectations and it's not just a woman's burden. Men are expected to act in certain ways and are rejected by women when they don't (e.g., only certain men are "good men" and they are hearing there aren't many around). So I think it's not fair that the request that women "act like ladies" is something done by the big bad men and ignore the fact that ladies ask that men "act like (good) men" all the time.

Related Articles:
What is impression management? (interesting. Yes it can be used dishonestly but it doesn't have to be. You can use impression management to make sure that people know your authentic self instead of risking that they rely on stereotypes)
Communication strategies: impression management: MUST READ, excellent tips! Learning impression management techniques is just another way to improve your communication skills. Good communication skills can get you what you want in life and is essential for success. Now that I think about it a lot of advice women and men get about how to act around the opposite sex (e.g., PUA sites) are all about impression management. So is advice about how to act in job interviews, how to look productive at work, how to get along with coworkers, how to make friends...it's all about impression management. Some people are good at this naturally, some have to learn a lot, others can just add some useful tips. There is nothing shameful or weak about it, it just takes the desire and dedication to make the best impression you can. I have no doubt in my mind that the most successful people in the world have worked on their impression management or have been trained in it (or they have hired people to help them with it e.g., agents, stylists, PR people etc.).

New Etiquette and Instructional Videos

I found some great, modern etiquette videos on Videojug. They are actually informative and entertaining. I love videos like this because they are quick and easy to remember :)



How to Talk to People: Better Communication
How to be More Feminine
How Can I Make a Good First Impression
How Can I Look More Approachable (excellent)
Getting Men to Approach Me
How to Look Like a Beauty Queen
Looking Good for Less
How to get out of a car without showing your underwear
How to be Assertive (funny)
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (funny)

Free Online Manners and Etiquette Tutorials!

Isn't the internet fantastic? I recently found some great resources if you want to improve your manners and learn rules of etiquette that are still applicable today. However, these resources are OLD! I found a library site with many 1950s era videos that were shown to American students in school (I don't remember seeing things like this in Canada but I learned many of these things anyway). You will get a laugh out of how cheesy the videos are but if you pay attention, the information provided is very useful!

• Mind Your Manners (1963)
• How Do You Do? (1946)
• Social Courtesy (1952): Great example of the effects of changing your behaviour
• Office Ettiquette: Meeting the Public (1952): This reminds me of my post Lessons We Can Learn From Secretaries ;)
• Obligations (1950): As a kid I acted like I didn't have any and most do today
• Better Use of Leisure Time (1950)
• Are You Popular? (1947)

On the site (Archive.org) you can search for other similar videos and e-books :)

This is a link to Lessons on Manners for Home and School Use by Edith E. Wiggin that you can download for free. This recording is based on a book from a time when people still used people used carriages! There is one part I have to warn you about in Lesson #3. In stating an example of the way other cultures revere their elders the reader actually says "The lower races of man" and makes a reference to American Indians and Asians! That gave me pause and brought up those same thoughts I had in my previous post Is Trying to Be Elegant Also Trying to Be White? It didn't feel good thinking I'm reading a book written by a woman who would say I'm from a "lower race". I listened to the whole recording anyway and plan to listen a couple of times more because good manners and being nice is not just something White people do and these behaviours help all people to get along. So I put that unfortunate remark out of my mind, and aside from that the lessonas are actually pretty good.

Racism is a problem with old books on manners and about almost anything. I learned in my online searches that this information is in demand and some people are making a profit out of it. Modern etiquette and manners lessons are not free! There are companies and consultants who sell their services, seminars, workshops, books, and DVDs to people (e.g., business people, high society people etc.) who want to learn these skills today. Maybe one day I will invest in a DVD set. Etiquette Police is a free online program. I don't know how good it is but it's free! I signed up.

Blog Review: Be Exquisite - Part 1

This is Part 1 of my review of the beautiful and elegant Be Exquisite blog! I started the review from page 26 to page 16. Part 1 of this review will be about the best advice and must read posts. Part 2 will be about the many thoughts and questions that popped into my head while reading her blog (that are likely to inspire future posts). I will review the rest of the blog in a future post.

I really like this blog! I think it's quite unique because I was only able to find four other blogs that discuss femininity and elegance in a similar way and this is the only one by an Elegant Black Woman (EBW). I love that the blog is a mix of quotes, advice, and examples of feminine elegance. Be Exquisite is filled with quotes, proverbs, and dictionary definitions and I enjoyed all of them. I think that people who use such quotes sound more credible because how can you really argue with a quote or ancient proverb? This is one to remember: "You define yourself with your deeds, words, and actions. Others define you with their perception of your deeds, words, and actions." I have learned a lot so far from reading and had to look up the definitions of orisha, deportment, and carriage. She also mentioned some elegant Black women like The Supremes, Diana Ross, Ertha Kitt, Naiomi Sims. Dorothy Dandridge, and Dianne Carrol. It's truly amazing that her family spent the time to teach her these things because that was a lot of quality time well spent! I hope she saves her blog posts to give to her own daughter or a female relative. I think that any woman who wants to improve her femininity, grace, manners, and deportment will benefit greatly from reading Be Exquisite!

Best Advice:

• Learn about the world because it makes you interesting and gives you something to talk about.
• Think about who you keep company with because they may actually be making your life worse and making you look bad.
• I liked the idea of venerating your ancestors because I don't think people do this anymore.
• Wear clothing styles and accessories that men do not. That will emphasize your femininity.
• Be sensual! Sensuality is about being pleasurable to the senses. You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar and negativity is not pleasing to the ears. I think that some men complain about loud women because they are not pleasurable to the ear. We need to speak in a more sensual manner to get what we want.
• I love the explanation that "attractive outfits which accentuate the female form are feminine...Attractive outfits which reveal the female form are sexy". The next time I buy clothing it will all be feminine!
• Seamless boyshorts are the best underwear because they hold everything in and they don't show.
• "By your own words, deeds, and actions you are continuously teaching others how to treat you."
• Respect yourself. "Let your words, deeds, and actions, place you in the best light. Refuse anything that is not advantageous to you".
• Try to listen to your intuition. I'm not even sure how to use this because many women like me have been taught that thinking with our heads through reason is the only way to do things.
•  "There are times when silence has the loudest voice", Leroy Brownlow. "Just because something is true doesn't mean you have to say it," Katherine Triandafilou.
• If someone compliments you say "Thank you" smile and maybe tell them "It was nice of you to say that" brilliant!

Must Read Posts:

• Conversation 101
• Self-Respect
• How to Sit With Grace
• Maintain Good Posture
• Sensuality
• Marriage
• Compliments
• Dressing with Self-Respect
• Acts of Chivalry
• Dare to be Unique
• How to be Perfectly Miserable
• Table Manners
• At the Table

Where I Need to Improve

I have been reading the five blogs I posted about here and a few of them, like The Art of Being Feminine reminded me that I need to start this journey by taking inventory of my current ladylike qualities and areas where I need improvement. So let's start with the positive.

My Positive Qualities

• I routinely say please, thank-you, and you're welcome. I graciously thank people who have helped me or complimented me
• I have fairly good (average) manners
• I am not loud when speaking or laughing and I do not yell
• I never chew with my mouth open. If I have to answer a question with my mouth full I try to finish chewing and then hold my hand over my mouth when I speak. (I think I can avoid this by just taking smaller bites and eating more slowly)
• I never burp in public
• I keep up my appearance
• I exercise regularly, eat healthy, and have a healthy body weight
• I rarely swear (and I don't think I will have a problem stopping completely)
• I have discussions but I don't argue
• I dress nicely and like to wear dresses and feminine clothing (but it's hard to do in the winter)
• I wear make-up and jewlery
• I have good posture, sit nicely, and walk upright
• I have natural hair that I have learned to take care of and style nicely
• I am educated
• I speak well using proper grammar (from now on I will severely limit my use of slang)
• I am a great listener 
• I don't brag or boast
• I do not bully or insult people (I may have a few times to unpleasant people on YouTube though)
• I do not hope bad things happen to other people
• I care about others and want to help people
• I am not aggressive and would never even think of hitting someone
• I have goals and a plan for my life
• I am not a golddigger

My Negative Qualities 

• I don't smile enough and find it hard to hide my anger or sadness
• I complain (e.g., about the weather, not having money, being busy etc.)
• I disclose too much personal information (this has caused embarrassment recently)
• Sometimes I say bad things about my parents
• I don't socialize as much as I could out of fear of being a burden or being rejected
• I need more hobbies (hard to do on a budget though)
• I think negatively a lot more than is necessary. I let things bother me when I really don't have to and pay too much attention to negative things (e.g., YouTube videos)
• I don't think positively about some people
• Sometimes I interrupt someone I'm talking too because I really want to say something  
• I stopped wearing high heels
• I am sometimes too passive and fearful of rejection

Things I Need to Learn More About

• Party etiquette
• How to improve my walk
• How to be more attractive
• How to attract, get along with, and have a relationship with men
• How to be more graceful, poised, and elegant
• Rules of etiquette
• How to act more like a traditional feminine woman
• How to dress more modestly

As you can see, I have positive and negative traits and there are some things I can learn to improve my attractiveness :)

Reviews!!!

Now that this blog is off to a good start it's time for the learning to begin! I have found five blogs that I think I will read from top to bottom. Each week I will read parts of these blogs, write about what was interesting to me, what I thought was great, and what I thought was ridiculous. The five chosen blogs are...

Be Exquisite
The Feminine Woman
Grace and Poise
The Art of Being Feminine 
and
Elegant Woman

I chose Be Exquisite because it was the only blog I found that was by a Black woman being elegant, it has so many tips, and it was exactly what I was looking for. This blog is written by a Black woman who was taught how to be a lady by her family. She was raised to be elegant! I just wish the archives were listed on the blog because it took a while to get back to her very first post.

The Feminine Woman is a great site and I am so excited to read it! It is full of information about being feminine. I spent some time on the site yesterday and there are two articles that I must write about ASAP! I also appreciate that they use multicultural images on the site.

Grace & Poise is the site to learn about how to be a lady. It has lessons about everything you need to know about becoming a lady and actually uses photos of the Danish royal family for examples which is pretty cool!

The Art of Being Feminine is an ideal choice because it is about how to accept your femininity and be the remarkable elegant creature you were meant to be. There are MANY articles on this site so I'm sure I will learn a lot.

I chose Elegant Woman because it is just FILLED with information about how to be an elegant woman. I have read a lot of it already, but I'm going to go back and write down my thoughts about the things I read. This blog is by an Asian woman.

I think that these are good places to start.

I also had a great idea for another feature! Each week I will watch and review a movie that provides a great example of elegance in action! While I watch the movie (probably while I'm on the treadmill) I will pay close attention to the tips and to the behaviours of the chosen "elegant actress". Then I will do a review. I'm so glad I can work my love of movies into this endeavor. Plus, since I am a starving student I will watch the movie online for free! I challenge everyone to not spend a dime on learning how to be elegant because I don't plan to! I will also make sure to include many films of Elegant Black Women (EBWs). Here are some of the movies I plan to review: Dreamgirls, Centre Stage, The Black Swan, Miss Congeniality, and that Marylin Monroe movie that Madonna did an homage to in Material Girl. I plan to include some Classic films like Gone With The Wind (I'm trying not to gag), Casablanca, Bollywood films like Kama Sutra and the like, and Asian films like Memoirs of a Geisha. I might even try to tolerate some musicals (women are supposed to like them...gag).

The first movie to be reviewed will be....

The Princess Diaries

So stay tuned for that!

Coming Soon!

I gave up blogging a few years ago but it feels really great that I have started again! I just had to find something I cared about and I care about how Black women are perceived. I will also be looking for Mr. Right in the near future and I have standards so I want to meet Mr. Right's standards too. So, these are some topics that I plan to write about and do YouTube videos about:

•  Areas where I need to improve in order to be a good Elegant Black Woman (EBW)
• The negative effect hip hop has had on the femininity of Black women and the behaviour of Black men;
• Creating a lady-like appearance on a budget;
• The Books "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" and how they helped me change my ideas about dating and what men want;
• Features about EBW celebrities 
• Why natural hair may be an important part of being an EBW;
• Why Black women need to exercise and cook healthier meals;
• What I think would change if all Black women became EBWs;
• Why I think Black women need to date interracially more often.

Is Trying to be Elegant Also Trying to be White?

Searching for websites about elegance, manners, and being a lady brought up some conflicting thoughts. For one, none of the websites I found were owned by Black women (maybe I just have to search better though). Furthermore, 95% of the elegant women posted on the blogs were White besides Michelle Obama! I tried to think of some elegant Black women and it was hard because I've never done that before, but I would put Michelle Obama, Iman, Zoe Saldana, Thandie Newton, Angela Bassett, Nia Long, and Saana Lathan on my list. The websites I visited tended to have black and white photos of actresses who died long ago like Audrey Hepburn (I have never even seen one of her movies), Grace Kelly, Eva Gabor and others that you can see in this article where there isn't a single Black actress.

Just look at this photo! When I look at it (just the photo not the real actress who I heard was very nice) I think snobby, upper-class woman, born into wealth, who never had to do anything for herself, who would never give a Black person the time of day unless they were serving her. Many of the photos on the websites had women dressed in 1920s, 30s, and 40s clothing or even Renaissance style paintings with no dark faces in sight. So if I go on this endeavor of becoming an Elegant Black Woman (EBW), then doesn't that mean I'm trying to be a White woman?

I took some time to think about it. I think that what would help me more is if I put up photos of elegant Black women so that I can remind myself and others that having manners, poise, grace, and elegance does not have to be linked to race. I will not entertain the notion that Black women must act badly in order to avoid being called White. Why would anyone choose and defend being rude, uncultured, obnoxious, loud, and un-feminine? I certainly will not. I think that women have these traits to varying degrees.

One positive thing that came out of reading websites made by White, Asian, and Indian women was that supressing our femininity and being lax with manners is not simply a "Black thing". Its something women of other ethnicities and countries are also concerned about! So, women losing their ladylike mannerisms is a problem for MANY women in industrialized countries where Feminism has been accepted and women work.

How Will I learn to Be an Elegant Black Woman?

I started my research into becoming an Elegant Black Woman (EBW) last night. I found a bunch of articles and websites that provided hours of reading. I'll post them below and later on move them to the sidebars for future reference. I learned a lot in a short period of time and of course some of it is review and I haven't finished everything, but I will. I'll be looking for more articles and blogs related to this topic. There are even YouTube videos that I'll make a post about.

I found it really interesting that I don't recall reading the word "submission" anywhere in these articles. They talked about being demure, not saying everything that comes to your mind, letting the man lead sometimes (e.g., letting him drive), letting men feel needed, complimenting him on being masculine, and listening to people, but no where did it talk about letting men rule your life. In fact, one article actually said the modern lady is INDEPENDENT and she does not let her man, parents, or in-laws rule her life. She is in control! I think the men who are demanding submission are just controlling and want to rule their women. Don't listen to them unless you want to be a doormat to a sexist person who does not think you are capable of making any good decisions.

Articles:
How to be Feminine
How to be Feminine 101
Tips on How to Be More Femine
How to Be Feminine (wonderhowto.com)
Self-Help for how to be More Feminine
How to be a Lady
A Guide to Elegance

How to be Classy:
How to be Classy
How to be Classy and Elegant Without Money
How to be Classy
How to be Classy
25 Ways to be Classy
What Does it Mean Being a "Classy Woman"
Let's Bring Back Some Class
How to Be Classy Without Being Rich

Websites:
http://www.elegantwoman.org/ This site has so much information!
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/
http://www.empoweredtraditionalist.com/
http://theartofbeingfeminine.blogspot.com/
http://graceandpoise.wordpress.com/
http://theclassywoman.blogspot.com/
A to Z Guide to Manners and Etiquette

Good Manners:
How to Have Good Manners
What are Good Manners?
What are Good Manners? (Wisegeek)
Good Manners (kids health) yes it's for kids but it's still useful

Poise:
How to Develop Poise
Poise, Posture, and Performance
How to Improve Poise
How to Cultivate Poise
How to Improve your Poise and Posture
Self-Help Guide How to Develop Poise and Act with Grace and Style
Walking with Grace and Poise
poise: Have you Lose the Art of Natural Movement?

How to be Graceful:
How to Be Graceful
Advice and Resources on Being and Raising a Lady
How to be Graceful
How to be Graceful
How to be More Graceful
How to Look Graceful in Heels

How to be Girly:
How to Be a Girly Girl
How to be a Girly Girl
How to be Girly
How to be a Girly Girl
top 10 Ways to be Girly

It is Time for the New Elegant Black Woman

If you are a Black person in North America then you know that things are not as good as they could be. Many Black women are becoming educated and obtaining multiple degrees so that they can provide for themselves and their families. These are good women. Those women without much education education are trying their best to find happiness and fulfillment in their relationships and motherhood roles. These are good women too. But sometimes it seems that all the world can see are those women in the minority of black women who make us all look bad. You know who I'm talking about and I'm going to be a lady and not disparage them out here. I'm tired of the negative stereotypes about us!

For the past few years I have been an avid consumer of blogs, websites, and YouTube videos related to Black issues. You may have noticed that recently that YouTube has exploded with hatred against Black women! Black men who have somehow been wronged by us have gone on that site spreading hate propaganda against Black women which hurts their own mothers, sisters, and daughters! These men have taken it upon themselves to spread racism against their own women for the world to see! They post videos criticizing Black women so harshly that no one is willing to listen to them. They quote the Bible and rant that "Black women need to be submissive". Then there are the other Black men who say becoming educated and independent women hurts the Black community and that we need to lower our standards when selecting a mate. So our own men are saying that we are not good enough for them, no one wants us, and we are a lost cause (seriously, some of them are calling for a boycott of Black women...can you believe it?).

 Now the last straw came when an Ethiopian woman (Akat042001 on YouTube) decided to go on a racist rant against Black women. Her video is all over the web and garnered countless comments and response videos. Some Black gentlemen came to the defense of Black women and I love them for that. However, some Black men actually commended her racism and supported her future videos lambasting Black women! I have no idea why her YouTube account has not been deleted.

I did not start this blog to please those Black men who have rejected Black women because what would be the point of trying to please someone who doesn't want you. I definitely did not start this video because I think Akat042001 was right. I started this because I think that it's time that Black women change their image so that we able to achieve the things that we want and deserve. I am educated and I have good manners that I learned from my parents and school. Some women were not as fortunate and therefore, they do not know how to carry themselves as ladies and that seems to be the reason for the negative impression the world has of ALL Black women.

It seemed to me that something like loudness and attitude could be easily remedied by education on how to act differently instead of constant nagging and ridicule. So, instead of listening to the racists I decided to Google, etiquette, manners, elegance, and how to be a lady. I was pleasantly surprised by numerous interesting websites dedicated to these topics! I spent hours reading and learning. Yes, learning! I am not perfect either and I think we can all stand to 'up our game' because we have to compete with all other women for husbands of all ethnicities (we need to date out ladies).

If we want to attract good men (educated, employed, gentlemen) then we need to be sophisticated, elegant, ladies. If we learn how accept and exude our femininity the way we did before the Feminist movement, then we will become the desire of all men (and still have careers).  These things can be learned! Ladies, if we do these things then the reward will be the companionship of gentlemen who will adore us, protect us, marry us, and take care of their families. So follow me on this blog as I learn how to become more poised, elegant, and lady like and report back on how this has helped my dating life.