My Thought's On For Harriet's "Why Would I Want to Be A Lady"

Sigh...I just read an article on For Harriet called "Why Would I Want to be a Lady?" It was written by the editor and creator of the blog. I do subscribe to it but I don't read many of the articles because I'm trying to get away from being outraged all the time. I think that the article echos a lot of what young women today think and there was a point, as a teenager, when I did think the same way. As we grow up we are exposed to so many ideas and I think that with young people sometimes whatever is new is valued more. They think that people in the past were so flawed (e.g., racist, oppressed, uneducated, lacking exposure to diversity, without access to today's technology etc.) so their ideas and conventions are probably misguided and should be abandoned in favor of new ideas. That is probably true about many things.

But ideas spoken and written on paper may not have the intended effects when enacted in someone's life. Unlike the old ideas and ways of life, these new ideas have not been lived enough by the people endorsing them or studied to see if they actually lead to better lives. What I'm saying is that our elders have lived through many things and they can tell us what they think worked and did not work, what they think we should have kept, and what new things may be better. Should I trust a younger person when they say we will all be better off doing something that is so different from what was going on in the recent past? How do they know their advice will lead women to have happier lives? For example, how do we know things will be better if the institution of marriage is eliminated, women just raise children alone, men and women start looking and dressing the same, being overweight is the new standard of beauty etc?

The writer states she is an "an ardent feminist in part because many of the character traits I possess naturally are often ascribed to men". Some of the criticisms I'm hearing about feminism is that women were told they would find fulfillment in careers but many did not. Some put off having families and they are regretting that. Others thought that acting like men would help their romantic relationships but their love lives are unsatisfying or nonexistent. I mean isn't it better to take advice from someone who has been happily married for many years over that of a single young person with no marriage experience or someone with open hostility towards men? Many men I talk to today are fine with women working, voting, and having equal rights but most prefer highly feminine women in the traditional sense. We should afford basic respect to people as human beings but just being a woman doesn't deserve high respect neither does just being a man (e.g., only certain people will be followed as leaders, deferred to, given special treatment, admired, sought after etc.). This sort of respect has to be earned and each woman must ask if her behaviour deserves such high respect. I think that the goal of some is to have that high respect and the power and benefits that come with it. A lady gets more respect than the average woman and a gentleman gets more respect than the average man.

She also states, "I'm not a lady. The fact causes me no distress. I'm too vulgar and assertive to ever be classified as such. My hemlines too short, clothes too tight, and language too crass. And my demeanor is not at all demure. Still somehow I manage to live a joyful, fulfilling life without the distinction. I do, however, aspire to be kind, genuine, loving and thoughtful." It's really strange to hear a woman proudly admit she is not a lady and embrace all the negative things associated with not being a lady. Being called anything but a lady is an insult! Furthermore, what is the value of being vulgar, wearing short hems, too tight clothes, and using foul language? Someone who reveals their flesh to the world is less oppressed than someone who doesn't? Someone who can express themselves without vulgarity is caving to patriarchy while the one embracing men's foul language is not? Do such women consider their actions or just do whatever they feel like at the moment, sometimes because it's too much work to consider benefits, risks, and long term consequences? The writer sounds as though she doesn't care about impression management (but I think everyone does). I'll post some articles about it below.

Sometimes people have almost an air of superiority when they state "I don't care what other people think I just do what I want," as if those who do consider their actions and image are weak, oppressed, or slaves. It just reminds me of that story of the grasshopper and the ant where the grasshopper played all year while the ant stored food for the winter. When the winter came the grasshopper had nothing and starved. It's hard work preparing, planning, and controlling yourself so that you can get rewards in the future. It's called delayed gratification. It's easier (or lazier) to just not care and do whatever but it doesn't guarantee a good or stress free life in my opinion (you may be happy now but unhappy later). There are just different stressors. People who delay gratification and control their behaviour feel free behind closed doors, among people they trust, on vacation, or when they have accumulated enough power and resources. As long as you don't go overboard it's really not that hard. Well all in all the article was not surprising and this is the way many women think. These women look down on those like myself yet they are conforming to feminist norm as well as masculine norms as a form of protest. I prefer being a lady and having everything I want including high respect. I'd be curious to know if the author notices that other women get more respect than she does and why she thinks that is? I wonder if she would actually care?

P.S. I also want to say that women AND men deal with high expectations and it's not just a woman's burden. Men are expected to act in certain ways and are rejected by women when they don't (e.g., only certain men are "good men" and they are hearing there aren't many around). So I think it's not fair that the request that women "act like ladies" is something done by the big bad men and ignore the fact that ladies ask that men "act like (good) men" all the time.

Related Articles:
What is impression management? (interesting. Yes it can be used dishonestly but it doesn't have to be. You can use impression management to make sure that people know your authentic self instead of risking that they rely on stereotypes)
Communication strategies: impression management: MUST READ, excellent tips! Learning impression management techniques is just another way to improve your communication skills. Good communication skills can get you what you want in life and is essential for success. Now that I think about it a lot of advice women and men get about how to act around the opposite sex (e.g., PUA sites) are all about impression management. So is advice about how to act in job interviews, how to look productive at work, how to get along with coworkers, how to make friends...it's all about impression management. Some people are good at this naturally, some have to learn a lot, others can just add some useful tips. There is nothing shameful or weak about it, it just takes the desire and dedication to make the best impression you can. I have no doubt in my mind that the most successful people in the world have worked on their impression management or have been trained in it (or they have hired people to help them with it e.g., agents, stylists, PR people etc.).