Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women!!!

Yes, the post title is full of hyperbole but it is sort of true :) As those of you familiar with this blog can tell, I have been struggling to figure out why people keep criticizing Black women for being unfeminine. I've explored some areas where we can change to improve our feminine appearance and mannerisms:

• clothing and fashion
• make-up
• hair
• smiling
• manners and etiquette
• embracing feminine qualities
• body weight
• independence (boasting too much about it)
• listening to masculine music
• traditional hobbies (e.g., cooking, sewing both very practical skills)
• reducing overt sexuality

Some people even say that because of our dark skin tone people will automatically judge us to be masculine. I don't believe in that though. A woman can be very dark and highly feminine (like many African models) or very light and highly masculine (e.g., Rosie O-Donnell anyone?). It's so outdated especially considering how many light-skinned women tan today. I don't think it's only dark skinned Black women who are being called masculine so that defeats the argument. Being feminine is a combination of many traits.

I think I there was one very important trait that I was missing! The problem is that many people expect and prefer women to be passive and equate that with being feminine! The stereotype for Asian women is that they are very passive (I've learned this isn't really true). People tend to call that submissive and some men say that's what they prefer about Asian women. Passive is defined as: Accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance. Very scary when you think about it that some men seek a woman who will do whatever they want like that! Men who need this have problems and we should all avoid them! Yes, it's very feminine to be quiet, speak softly, not cause a scene, or argue, but being passive all the time will only lead others to take advantage of you and you will not get your needs met. There is a difference between being easy-going and laid-back and being a door mat or push-over for everyone else.

On the other hand, Black women are criticized for being too aggressive. Aggressive is defined as: 1) Ready or likely to attack or confront; characterized or resulting from aggression. 2. Pursuing one's aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so. It is necessary for people to defend themselves and pursue what they want but do you don't have to argue about everything and always get your way? I've heard Black women say they won't put up with the things other women do so they speak up or break up. These Black women are aggressive while other women are passive. Plus, given that some of us are constantly harassed and criticized, being passive and accepting it all would lead to victimization and depression. So what is the best way to be feminine, not be a door mat, get your needs met, and stand up for yourself? Is it even possible to do all of that?

Yes it is possible if you learn how to be assertive!!! Early when I began this blog I posted links to some articles about assertiveness but I never specifically wrote about it. I have done assertiveness training and learned about conflict resolution, but many people have not. This may be the most important thing I ever post on this blog!

Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings and assert one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others. Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person. Assertiveness comes naturally to some, but is a skill that can be learned. People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress. (source)

When I started this blog I posted many areas where I needed to improve, but I tend to be too passive instead of aggressive and I can be assertive when I need to be. This is what I think Black women need to start doing. Passive and assertive need to be our default instead of aggressive most of the time. Assertiveness training is too much to go into here but I have a list of great online resources for you to read so that you can learn how to be assertive instead of aggressive. I strongly recommend doing this! This will help you to get what you want out of life but not leave you vulnerable to the abuse of others. This will improve our communication with everyone and greatly improve the way we appear to the rest of the world. An EBW must learn how to be assertive! Yes, men should do their part and learn this too!

Articles:
Improve Your Assertiveness (excellent quality online workbook)
How to Be More Assertive (great lessons)
Setting Boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training (even better lessons)
Assertiveness Skills Training Tips (very good)
Reduce Stress with Increased Assertiveness
Learn Assertive Communication in Five Simple Steps
10 Top Tips to Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive
Six Steps to becoming Assertive
How to be Assertive with Friends or Family
Assertiveness Training

Why Many Black Women are Succeeding

I started thinking today about why many Black women are succeeding today and many men are not. Some of the reasons apply women of other ethnicities as well because women in most Western countries and Asia are doing better while men are doing worse. There are many reasons why these things happened but if men want to do better, they may have to take an example from women.

1. Women figured out that education was the great equalizer and a worthwhile pursuit. They believe that having an education or expertise in a field is the best (of course not guaranteed) way to ensure that they will obtain a stable, white-collar career. I think that this is the safe route because once you have the knowledge and degree it can not be taken away and usually you have transferable skills that can be used for many different careers. These women knew realistically that they were more likely to become teachers, social workers or bankers than musicians, actors, or professional athletes. Unfortunately, many men  now devalue education and waste their time trying (often with little effort) to become musicians, actors, and professional athletes (sometimes they use athletics to get into college, but their grades are usually poor, and their goal is to become an athlete not some other professional). Instead of staying home and doing schoolwork they are on the street, playing video games or basketball, and listening to and writing rap lyrics.  Women developed realistic goals and plans that included education while men developed unrealistic plans that did not require education.
2. Women stay away from crime. Women do commit crimes, but they do it at a much lower rate than men. I don't know why a woman can be poor and struggle to get by without becoming a criminal but it's harder for men to do so. Men will say there is pressure from their peers or pressure to have money so that they can attract women. Is it impossible to choose new friends and attract women in another way, especially when you are young? For some men who live in dangerous neighbourhoods they may also be dragged into gang activity to avoid being a victim. I understand that. But if you don't come from a dangerous neighbourhood what is your excuse? How is it that some men withstand the pressure? It really seems like the nerdy guys who keep out of trouble are the real men with backbones because they don't cave to peer pressure and become gangsters. 
3. Women fight to be a part of the system. This is a big one in the Black community. Many Black people are angry about racism, discrimination, and they history of slavery. Black women have chosen to fight for their place in the system, play the game, and win a good life even if racists don't want them to. This is the 'if life gives you lemons, make lemonade' attitude and they are attempting to adapt to whatever situation they have been placed in. The women know the odds will sometimes be against them, but they learn the rules of the game, follow the rules, and try to succeed anyway. From things I have been reading online, many men disagree with this strategy, and I believe these men are dangerous and to be avoided. These men believe that any cooperation with the system is a betrayal of Black people and reject the notion of working or being educated in the system. They see a life of crime as a way of fighting the system, they reject public education, and choose to self-educate by using questionable and often dangerous sources. These men (seriously) believe that they are in some sort of Matrix, eventually everyone will wake up, and they will be the leaders in some sort of race war! When this war starts they plan to punish anyone in the system, including successful Black women who they call traitors. I don't think I have to tell you how unrealistic and scary this militia, Black man rising, conspiracy thinking is but these beliefs are FREQUENTLY and CASUALLY mentioned by men online as though this war is inevitable and they will be the last ones to laugh and judge Black women when it happens. Scary right? 
4. Black women are living in the present not the past. One strange thing I have noticed online is the way men keep bringing up slavery to explain why they are not succeeding today and why they are not getting along with some Black women. I know when I started reading Black history I was so angry at the world and it made me want to reject everything that was not Black. It was a phase. I eventually realized that the people around me did not commit the crimes of slavery (especially since I live in Canada). I know racism exists and sometimes people are ignorant, but the people around me were not my slave masters! I was never enslaved and neither was anyone alive today nor their parents or grandparents. No one raped me or sold members of my family away from me. I never though I'd have to say this but slavery is in the past and you have to move on and adapt to your current circumstances. You can not live in the past so somehow men have to disengage these feelings that slavery happened to them personally and there is some conspiracy to hold you back. Yes, the system is biased against Black people but is rejecting the system actually working for you? Reparations are not coming and they probably won't help your situation anyway. Dreaming about revenge for past wrongs (or recent injustices) is holding you back from making the most of your present.
5. Black women are self-sufficient. Yes it's true, Black women and many women today are independent and that has helped us to succeed. Even the woman who goes on welfare is being self-sufficient in a way. She found out about an available resource and obtained it instead of laying down and dying. When men walk out on their children women take on the responsibility of being the sole care giver and do the best they can. Other women had the self-discipline to work hard in school, graduate, and have a career. They provided food, clothing, and shelter for themselves instead of waiting for a man to give it to them. Men have always been able to put their needs first but for some reason many want women to put men's needs first too! They claim to be strong but they are asking successful women to "invest" in them so that they can succeed. They blame the single mother for not being the best mother possible even though she had no help from the father! That's like a man giving a woman a 100 pound bag to carry and criticizing her for not walking as fast as when they were both sharing the bag! I wonder if these men would go after their kids if the women gave them up for adoption or the foster care system? I doubt it. Caring for your child is the same as caring for yourself! If you are not caring for your child then you are not self-sufficient!  
6. Black women take responsibility for their lives. This ties into the notion that women are self-sufficient. Successful women don't expect anyone to take care of them or give them handouts but they do expect men to take care of their children and carry their own weight. It seems like men expect the opposite. They resent any notion that the woman should consider a man's finances before getting into a relationship. Can you imagine, a Black women who will only marry a man if he can provide enough money to care for a middle-class child is called a goldigger!? If you think you can survive only on love then I doubt you are self-sufficient and know the costs of supporting a family. But, as I heard in a YouTube video today, some men think the woman's role is to be a man's helper to help him achieve his goals while his role is to lead her to do whatever he decides she should do!? Yes, he said the Bible says that's the way it's supposed to be (glad I'm not religious). He said his role is to replace his wife's father and she is there to serve him. Why is it that men need so much help and support to do things? Why are women able to just get up and do what needs to be done? These men complain that everyone needs to change without taking any responsibility for their role in ruining their own lives. They blame racist employers for not hiring some Black men while ignoring the fact that they are untrustworthy ex-cons with no education. They blame women's high standards and attitudes for the low marriage rates when it's the men who decided to use, abuse, and not marry them. They blame the school system for not educating Black boys when they chose to skip school, not do the work, or get kicked out while others succeed. This is the most ridiculous one: They blame a corrupt justice system for locking up Black men while completely ignoring the fact that almost all of these men are GUILTY of some crime including murder, rape, and drug dealing! Why they were profiled or unfair sentencing is secondary to the FACT that these men are GUILTY! They blame Black women for the problems in the Black community with no reference to their role in the problems at all. 

So, to any woman or man who wants to be successful, here is my advice: Get an education, stay away from crime, fight to be a part of the system, live in the present not the past, be self-sufficient, and take responsibility for your actions. Doing otherwise doesn't seem to be working.

Letting a Man be a Man

I just read an interesting article on Madame Noire Called "How to Let a Man Be a Man". The article advises that women need to:

• Let him pay for dates
• Let him be a gentleman (if he is one)
• Let him initiate contact
• Let him propose marriage
• Let him be who he is

I have read these things before and I agree with them. However, on YouTube and the web MANY of the Black men don't seem to want to do the first three points! They complain that we don't know how to let them be men, but many of them, even the ones that seem nice, say that we should not expect them to do these things! I must note that I am only noticing this with Black men and I don't hear these things from men of other races (who probably have other flaws).

When it comes to dating, I've heard many men complain that they want to go Dutch for the first date and it's too expensive for them to pay for every first date. Others complain that since we wanted feminism, they don't have to be chivalrous anymore and we are getting what we wanted. They don't feel the need to be more delicate or gentle with us (especially when we say we are strong and independent) and would never open a door for us. Just today I saw a video of a man complaining that women are not approaching him or complimenting him and was pleased that two White women did! 

This is infuriating because they are complaining about not being treated like men but they won't be men! I think we have different definitions of what a man does. They seem to be saying (especially in marriage) that the man is the leader and the head of the household who makes the final decisions and he is supposed to be the provider. THAT'S IT! A lot of them sound like spoiled children who just want to get their own way and think that because they are men they have some divine ability to make the best decisions! The funny thing about these men is that they sound more old fashioned than most women but they don't act like old fashioned gentlemen! Maybe it's just me, but I find it scary that they define their role based on power and control over women. It's interesting that I've been looking at online dating profiles and a lot of the White men actually list independence as a quality they look for in women and state they are looking for a partner and best friend...interesting isn't it?

My definition of a husband does not include any of that. For me, the man is my partner who has the qualities I mentioned in my earlier post "Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men". If he wants to be "the provider" then obviously he needs to earn more than me so that's why I want someone who earns more. I am looking for a partnership and (I don't care what anyone says) from my training I have learned that people can come up with compromises. I challenge anyone to come up with a situation where there a decision has to be made between two EQUAL choices, both partners want a choice to the SAME DEGREE, and there are no possible compromises. If you gather enough facts and weigh how much you really want something, you will come up with a choice or someone will give up. So, he can make many decisions, especially if he is special knowledge or history with such decisions, but for important things there has to be a discussion and I will not accept him just putting his foot down and saying "This is the way it's going to be because I said so". 

Furthermore, many men complain that successful educated women don't give them a chance. Well, maybe these women are looking for someone who is willing and ABLE to pay for dates and provide for them. How can they be providers when they can't afford it and the woman is providing more? She wants to provide a good life for her children and she can estimate whether he can provide that or not. We don't want to change the men, so we would rather find someone who meets our standards. I wish I could find a man willing to do the things on this list. Hopefully there are some out there.

Feeling Guilty About Last Post

I'm feeling conflicted again. On the one hand I want to be pleasant and ladylike, I don't want to say negative things, and I don't want to argue. But I don't like it when people are picked on, and if my group is picked on I think it is practically my duty to speak up. It's funny, but I only ever argue with people online on blogs or YouTube because in real life no one is saying racist things in my presence. I don't see Black men standing up in the street insulting Black women. No one I work with has ever said the hurtful things that Black women bashers do. So if I criticize them, am I being like them or am I fighting a bully to make them stop? If they stopped or YouTube stopped them then I would stop. I didn't start this, they did, but that sounds childish doesn't it?

HOWEVER, a lady is not a doormat and does not tolerate being disrespected. She does not allow men to disrespect her and that is exactly what I am doing. Is it unfair for me to criticize these men based on their personal characteristics? Maybe. I guess I was trying to prove that they should be pointing the finger at themselves instead of all Black women. I could do a post about their arguments, but actually, I don't even want to talk about them anymore, they are not the focus of this blog! I guess I was irritated and maybe I shouldn't blog angry (but angry blogs are sometimes the best aren't they?). Well on their videos and blogs I do focus on the points they are making.

I admit, I do enjoy arguing with them on their videos because really, they aren't very smart and I think I described them correctly below (that wasn't nice). So do I have to be a lady ALL the time or can I be bad when I'm online? I guess if I'm bad online that won't help the reputation of Black women will it? I will come off as a loud, angry Black woman. I want to be consistent about the person I'm trying to be. I can't just be nice in real life and have an attitude online...well, people do act differently depending on the situation. Oh, what would Claire Huxtable do? Who knows, they didn't even have the internet back then so maybe she would act exactly the way I do.

Okay, I've decided I am going to leave these posts up and see what happens. If I get other people saying it's wrong I will take it down. I still want to comment on videos though to show these men they are wrong. Actually based on my comments one of these men asked me and other women how to do constructive videos and I haven't seen any more negative ones from him. That shows commenting can change some of these men. Anyway, once I get busier I won't have time for the videos.

So what do you think? Maybe I shouldn't care or spend time thinking about this, but it actually helps distract me from stressors in my offline life.

Black Women Bashers are Pathetic Excuses for Men

I feel torn. I like the idea of being nice and kind but it's so hard to do that when men are posting hateful videos about Black women on YouTube. Go on that site and enter the search term "black women". What you will find are videos by Black men criticizing and insulting Black women and blaming them for all the problems in the Black community. You will also find videos posted by Black men and racists showing Black women acting badly with the explanation that MOST Black women act that way, this is why we are inferior to other women, and this is why they won't date us. I would guess 97% of these videos are by Black men because they tend to be flagged and removed when they are by non-Black racists.

I am not like the women in the videos, but by posting these videos and claiming that most Black women fit those stereotypes, these videos affect me. As a Black woman I feel compelled to stand up and fight to correct these unfair assaults on our image. Most of the time I find it frustrating, but yesterday I actually found it amusing! I was amused because I realized that the men posting and commenting on these videos are really the bottom of the barrel and don't have anything to offer a woman like me. An EBW is a lady, but she is not a doormat! I think sometimes I can be insulting to these men, but if they put these videos up then they are asking for an argument. I think you can tell so much about the men based on the videos and comments and these are my observations:

1. These men are not educated. You can tell they are not because their spelling is atrocious and their grammar is pitiful. They don't even know how to capitalize the first letter of a new sentence! They also resort to swearing and insults instead of focusing on the argument. I also think many of their arguments don't make sense and they are incapable of understanding women's viewpoints. They may be victims of a poor school system, or they may not have applied themselves in school. Either way, I wouldn't want one of them.
2. These men are not successful. These men get offended when successful women say they want a successful man. If they were actually successful then they would not be offended. These men have not achieved much and they want us to ignore that, give them our bodies, and "submit" to them just because they are men!
3. These men are desperate for respect. They have done nothing else in their lives to deserve respect. They are desperately trying to get it based on the fact that they are men which somehow entitles them to respect. They use the Bible to justify that men should be the leaders and women were made for men, they go on and on about the roles of men and women, criticize matriarchy, and rant about feminism. A man who was successful, makes good decisions, and carries himself like a gentleman would not need these arguments because he would be respected automatically! We should respect everyone's basic rights, but the type of respect these men want can only be earned. They have not earned this respect and that hurts their egos.
4. These men can not get the women they want. These men complain that Black women don't want a good man and only want thugs. They claim that they are good men and there are plenty of them around. That tells me that they think they are good catches but the women they want obviously don't and they are rejecting them. In fact, these women are rejecting them harshly with a lot of attitude which has been a blow to the men's egos. The only way they can protect their self-esteem is by criticizing the women instead.
5. The only thing these men offer is sex. These men get upset when Black women on YouTube talk about liking White or Asian men. Frequently, they say Black women are crazy for liking Asian men because Black men are supposed to be better endowed, as if that is the only thing a woman wants. When Black women talk about the positive traits of men they know of other races, Black men ignore everything (e.g., personality, respect, education, career, sensitivity, romance etc.) and focus on sex. They do this because they know they do not have the qualities these other men have so the focus on the one thing they "possibly" have over them. 
6. These men do not hold themselves accountable for their lives. These men blame everyone for their current situation including their mothers, Black women in general, "The Man", racism, and discrimination. Yes, racism and discrimination may have a role, the economy, where one grew up, and  parents do have a role, but what are they going to do about that? They take NO responsibility for the choices they have made. The finger is always pointed elsewhere so they don't see any need to change themselves and spend their time lecturing about women needing to change. Men like this will not improve their circumstances because they do not realize that it is extremely difficult to change other people and it is easier to change yourself.
7. These men's standards are too high. Black women bashers are unrealistic about the women they want. Why would a middle class, successful woman want a poor man who goes from job to job with no security? Why would someone with an education want someone without one? Why would she want someone with a criminal record? According to these men they are attractive and good men (I don't know what criteria they are using) and that should be all a woman should look for. If she wants anything else then she is a snob, a golddigger, or a mammy for "The Man". They ignore the much researched notion that women want security, stability, and someone who can provide her their children. Looking good or being well endowed doesn't ensure any of that. These men complain about women with attitudes who are superficial, with children from different fathers but maybe...those women are on their level and the only ones who would want them! The men can't accept that based on their lack of achievement they can not get better women. They have to face the fact that they need to educate themselves and get better jobs if they want better women.  
8. These men are immersed in hip hop culture. I say this because any time someone blames the hip hop culture for the misogyny, materialism, aggression, and criminality of Black men they take offence and try to justify the music and it's messages. They do not see their misogyny or double standards or any harm the music could cause. They equate being Black with liking hip hop and do not pursue any other cultural genres. These men want to be rappers or ball players no matter how unlikely it is to to become a professional in these areas. They waste their time trying to achieve that dream instead of focusing on school or other creative ideas. I would advise EBWs to stay away for men who areTOO interested in hip hop.
9. These men just hate Black women and nothing will change that. There are some Black men posting videos who have never liked Black women, or they have decided they don't want to date them again. These men are not providing constructive criticism to help Black women so that maybe they can date again. These men just want to spread their hate. Their video are no better that those posted by racists. They do not care about improving the Black community or fostering Black love. These videos should be flagged and removed.

The next time you are on YouTube and you see one of these video, think about this post and who is behind the video. They are not helping the Black community, they are the LEAST capable of doing so, and they don't have anything to offer an EBW.

Tracy McMillian Explains Why Some Women are Single

Tracy McMillian has written an article about why some women are still single and it is pretty good. She has been married three times and had no problems getting married. Take a read HERE. In response, Anslem Samuel has written an article about why some men are not married and I found it to be very interresting. You can read this article HERE.

I think that I am not married for a few reasons:

1. I have kept myself unavailable for the last five years while I finish school. 
2. Once I decided to be unavailable I didn't keep up my looks as much as I should have (but I'm doing it now!).
3. I did not have a pleasant expression on my face because I was very stressed and unhappy so I looked like one of those angry women. I have improved that great deal already by keeping my mouth in a slight smile at all times and it is working! Even when I'm trying to sleep I have this slight smile. Sometimes out of the blue I will feel that there is something weird about my face, then that I'll realize I'm not smiling and correct it! It's been almost two weeks since I started doing this and it's now a habit and I look so much nicer and more approachable. It also has an effect on my mood because I feel happier. Someone asked me how I was the other day and I automatically said "Very good" instead of my usual "good" or "fine" when there wasn't anything very good going on at all. This is the best thing ever!
4. I did not make any attempt to meet men and I live in a place where guys don't just ask you out at school, the mall, or on the street. Fortunately I will be moving to Toronto where the are many more dating options so I am VERY excited!

I don't think the other things Ms. McMillian mentioned apply to me. In the past I did go with guys who were "just not that into me" because I thought I could change their minds...I never did and I will not be making that mistake again. 

What stands out for me the most is her advice about not rushing into sex and I agree. I think we should just wait three months because by then you and the man will know a lot about each other. When three months come up you can decide to either break up or have sex because by then you will know if you are a good match and he will probably be ready to have a monogamous relationship. I think that women who are dating should start with dating a few guys. When one says they want to commit and you really like him, then you stop dating the others. When the three month point comes up, decide if you still like him, and if you don't then break up and move on to dating a few men again. Don't waste time hoping things will get better because in the beginning things are supposed to be great and if they are not then that means something. 

Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men?

Over the past two years some successful Black women have complained that they are unable to find a "Good Black Man". Some of you may have seen the Nightline special about this topic hosted by Sherry Sheppard, Steve Harvey, and other authors and celebrities. This has angered some Black men who complained that so many Black women are single because their standards are too high, they are too picky, and (groan) they are loud and have attitudes. Some have even argued that getting an education is not important and doesn't make a woman a better catch. This has resulted in some Black men and women vowing to never date Black again. Well guess what...this isn't just a Black issue.

In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, author Kay S. Hymowitz argues that this is the case for most men in the U.S. and Europe! The article explains that for the first time in history, people are going through a "pre-adulthood" period where they are not focused on marriage or children after high school. This has delayed marriage in many Western countries. Women in these countries complain that men their age still act like adolescents and do not appear ready for marriage (e.g., not going to college, playing video games all day, casual relationships with women, little ambition etc.).

A couple of things stood out for me in the article that make me feel more secure in my decision to not lower my standards. Since the 1980s' there has been a "college premium" meaning that individuals with an education do better in this "knowledge economy" where educated people get better jobs that pay well. This is why I want someone with an education and I don't know why some men don't understand this? Good education with transferable skills = good, secure job = middle income to support family. So if you don't have any of these things, you are less attractive to women, especially women who have achieved those things.

If I meet a man my age who doesn't have a degree or a good career I wonder what he has been doing since he graduated high school. If I don't know the man I would guess he was going from job to job, finding himself, playing around, maybe going to jail, but I would not assume he was doing something constructive or else he would have financial stability by now.

I know a lot of guys have had hard lives, but your suffering does not entitle you to have any any woman you want! Someone might date you because they feel sorry for you, but would you really want that? Why not look for someone who had a similar life to yours? I'm not looking for royalty or a billionaire (some women are), but I think those men are out of my league and some men need to accept that some women are out of their league too. Let me put it this way, if you are a man and you met a below-average looking woman who you were not attracted to at all, would you date her because she was nice and had a hard life? Well it's the same thing for a successful women when faced with a man who does not have the same level of success. You think to yourself that you can do better, everyone you know will be shocked and say you can do better, and when your date acts like a jerk you will start looking for someone better.

So I think I will end this post with a list of the things I'm looking for in a man and why in no particular order:

• Treats me well and respects me: I want someone who is nice to me and cares about me. This will eventually become love. I don't want someone who is "just not that into" me. So this is a NICE GUY but he doesn't have to be perfect. This man is not overly controlling and does not insist that he makes all the decisions and that I "submit because he is a man". Definitely no Thugs!
• Physically attractive (average, not overweight): I want a guy that I find cute who I want to make babies with. I don't want to feel gross if he touches me, I want to feel hot! I think we should have the same level of attractiveness and I don't expect someone way better looking than myself. I would find it hard to trust a man who was too good looking :)
• My height (5'7") or taller (maybe an inch shorter): If the guy is shorter than me I will feel big and fat beside him. I will feel like the man. I could get over this if he meets most other things on my list.
• College or university degree: As I said above good education = good secure job = middle income. If someone with a degree loses their job it is much easier for them to find another one because of their transferable skills.
• Middle income job (he can be in-between jobs ONLY if he has a degree): Finances are important and anyone who says otherwise is being naive. A middle income buys a home in a safe neighborhood; safe, middle income neighborhoods have better schools for your kids; middle income areas have grocery stores where you can buy healthy food for your family; a middle income will pay for your children's education so that they can finish school without a huge debt burden; middle income allows you to fulfill basic needs; during tough times if one partner can not work (illness, loss of employment) the family will not be forced into poverty. I came from a middle income home and if I do not provide that for my children then I have failed.
• No criminal background or history of violence: I want someone who has made good choices in life. A criminal record also interferes with getting a good job. He can NEVER hit me and if I find out he has abused other women it is over. No Thugs!
• No substance abuse: Nothing good comes of it. I would prefer someone with no past abuse either because it is common to relapse. There is no such thing as casual substance abuse to me.
• Non-religious. I am agnostic and I think it would be difficult raising children with an avid believer. It's hard enough getting along with friends who are religious because we see things so differently sometimes.
• Common values and life goals: This one is very important and ties into being non-religious. This will help us to get along and make sure that we are on the same path.  My goals are finish degree, meet Mr. Right, get a job in my field,  get married, have kids, raise kids, send kids to university or college, live the rest of our lives.
• Actually likes Black women: If the man is not Black then I don't want to be his "little experiment" to see what it's like to be with a Black woman. He has to have social experience with Black people and know how to act around them. I can not be with someone who complains about reverse racism, being "too PC", pulling the race card, Black people are too sensitive etc. This person has to have some experience and knowledge of what it's like to be a racial minority. If the man is Black and he is conflicted about race...I can work with that because we have all gone through this but I'll have to keep an eye on it.

That's it. I don't think it's to picky. He doesn't have to be six feet tall or a millionaire. He can be average looking. I'm open to dating other races because I want to get married and have kids more than anything in the world.

Coming Soon!

I gave up blogging a few years ago but it feels really great that I have started again! I just had to find something I cared about and I care about how Black women are perceived. I will also be looking for Mr. Right in the near future and I have standards so I want to meet Mr. Right's standards too. So, these are some topics that I plan to write about and do YouTube videos about:

•  Areas where I need to improve in order to be a good Elegant Black Woman (EBW)
• The negative effect hip hop has had on the femininity of Black women and the behaviour of Black men;
• Creating a lady-like appearance on a budget;
• The Books "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" and how they helped me change my ideas about dating and what men want;
• Features about EBW celebrities 
• Why natural hair may be an important part of being an EBW;
• Why Black women need to exercise and cook healthier meals;
• What I think would change if all Black women became EBWs;
• Why I think Black women need to date interracially more often.

How Will I learn to Be an Elegant Black Woman?

I started my research into becoming an Elegant Black Woman (EBW) last night. I found a bunch of articles and websites that provided hours of reading. I'll post them below and later on move them to the sidebars for future reference. I learned a lot in a short period of time and of course some of it is review and I haven't finished everything, but I will. I'll be looking for more articles and blogs related to this topic. There are even YouTube videos that I'll make a post about.

I found it really interesting that I don't recall reading the word "submission" anywhere in these articles. They talked about being demure, not saying everything that comes to your mind, letting the man lead sometimes (e.g., letting him drive), letting men feel needed, complimenting him on being masculine, and listening to people, but no where did it talk about letting men rule your life. In fact, one article actually said the modern lady is INDEPENDENT and she does not let her man, parents, or in-laws rule her life. She is in control! I think the men who are demanding submission are just controlling and want to rule their women. Don't listen to them unless you want to be a doormat to a sexist person who does not think you are capable of making any good decisions.

Articles:
How to be Feminine
How to be Feminine 101
Tips on How to Be More Femine
How to Be Feminine (wonderhowto.com)
Self-Help for how to be More Feminine
How to be a Lady
A Guide to Elegance

How to be Classy:
How to be Classy
How to be Classy and Elegant Without Money
How to be Classy
How to be Classy
25 Ways to be Classy
What Does it Mean Being a "Classy Woman"
Let's Bring Back Some Class
How to Be Classy Without Being Rich

Websites:
http://www.elegantwoman.org/ This site has so much information!
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/
http://www.empoweredtraditionalist.com/
http://theartofbeingfeminine.blogspot.com/
http://graceandpoise.wordpress.com/
http://theclassywoman.blogspot.com/
A to Z Guide to Manners and Etiquette

Good Manners:
How to Have Good Manners
What are Good Manners?
What are Good Manners? (Wisegeek)
Good Manners (kids health) yes it's for kids but it's still useful

Poise:
How to Develop Poise
Poise, Posture, and Performance
How to Improve Poise
How to Cultivate Poise
How to Improve your Poise and Posture
Self-Help Guide How to Develop Poise and Act with Grace and Style
Walking with Grace and Poise
poise: Have you Lose the Art of Natural Movement?

How to be Graceful:
How to Be Graceful
Advice and Resources on Being and Raising a Lady
How to be Graceful
How to be Graceful
How to be More Graceful
How to Look Graceful in Heels

How to be Girly:
How to Be a Girly Girl
How to be a Girly Girl
How to be Girly
How to be a Girly Girl
top 10 Ways to be Girly

It is Time for the New Elegant Black Woman

If you are a Black person in North America then you know that things are not as good as they could be. Many Black women are becoming educated and obtaining multiple degrees so that they can provide for themselves and their families. These are good women. Those women without much education education are trying their best to find happiness and fulfillment in their relationships and motherhood roles. These are good women too. But sometimes it seems that all the world can see are those women in the minority of black women who make us all look bad. You know who I'm talking about and I'm going to be a lady and not disparage them out here. I'm tired of the negative stereotypes about us!

For the past few years I have been an avid consumer of blogs, websites, and YouTube videos related to Black issues. You may have noticed that recently that YouTube has exploded with hatred against Black women! Black men who have somehow been wronged by us have gone on that site spreading hate propaganda against Black women which hurts their own mothers, sisters, and daughters! These men have taken it upon themselves to spread racism against their own women for the world to see! They post videos criticizing Black women so harshly that no one is willing to listen to them. They quote the Bible and rant that "Black women need to be submissive". Then there are the other Black men who say becoming educated and independent women hurts the Black community and that we need to lower our standards when selecting a mate. So our own men are saying that we are not good enough for them, no one wants us, and we are a lost cause (seriously, some of them are calling for a boycott of Black women...can you believe it?).

 Now the last straw came when an Ethiopian woman (Akat042001 on YouTube) decided to go on a racist rant against Black women. Her video is all over the web and garnered countless comments and response videos. Some Black gentlemen came to the defense of Black women and I love them for that. However, some Black men actually commended her racism and supported her future videos lambasting Black women! I have no idea why her YouTube account has not been deleted.

I did not start this blog to please those Black men who have rejected Black women because what would be the point of trying to please someone who doesn't want you. I definitely did not start this video because I think Akat042001 was right. I started this because I think that it's time that Black women change their image so that we able to achieve the things that we want and deserve. I am educated and I have good manners that I learned from my parents and school. Some women were not as fortunate and therefore, they do not know how to carry themselves as ladies and that seems to be the reason for the negative impression the world has of ALL Black women.

It seemed to me that something like loudness and attitude could be easily remedied by education on how to act differently instead of constant nagging and ridicule. So, instead of listening to the racists I decided to Google, etiquette, manners, elegance, and how to be a lady. I was pleasantly surprised by numerous interesting websites dedicated to these topics! I spent hours reading and learning. Yes, learning! I am not perfect either and I think we can all stand to 'up our game' because we have to compete with all other women for husbands of all ethnicities (we need to date out ladies).

If we want to attract good men (educated, employed, gentlemen) then we need to be sophisticated, elegant, ladies. If we learn how accept and exude our femininity the way we did before the Feminist movement, then we will become the desire of all men (and still have careers).  These things can be learned! Ladies, if we do these things then the reward will be the companionship of gentlemen who will adore us, protect us, marry us, and take care of their families. So follow me on this blog as I learn how to become more poised, elegant, and lady like and report back on how this has helped my dating life.