EBWs Need People Skills

This post was inspired by an article on The Feminine Black Woman called "Black Girls Please be Nice". The post mentions that being nice is part of having "people skills", but what are people skills? As I have mentioned in recent posts, I'm going to concern myself more with improving myself, getting along with others, and having great relationships rather than complaining about the behaviours, privileges, or possessions of others. I'm going to try to be the most attractive, friendly, kind, feminine, and pleasant woman I can be and try to get/keep as many privileges or benefits from that as possible. Of course being attractive, friendly, kind, feminine, and pleasant will make me feel great anyway but person with these qualities will also get along well with others and be liked and this is a great benefit.


I see nothing wrong with learning how to be liked, how get along with others, and how to be pleasant. Many of these things are taught to children to help them function in the social world. Many of these things are taught to socially anxious or awkward people who have trouble making friends or people with behaviour problems that get them into trouble. These are also things taught to employees and business professionals who's ability to be liked by coworkers and clients is essential for their success. Some people are just naturally likable, popular, and friendly but for whatever reason, others are not and they struggle to be liked. One thing less well liked people can do is learn from well liked people and research about well liked people with the goal of increasing personal qualities and behaviours that contribute to being liked and reducing qualities and behaviours that contribute to being disliked.

I'll use a sprinter as an example. If a young woman wants to become a champion, Gold medal sprinter then she has to learn how to be one! She has to seek training from a coach, learn how much she has to practice, proper technique, form, nutrition, and motivation and then enact everything she has learned. A champion sprinter is not just self-trained with absolutely no knowledge of what other champion or competing sprinters are doing. They also have coaches with years of sprinting knowledge that they pass onto them. This is the way I feel about learning how to be the best friend, coworker, employee, girlfriend, wife, student, woman, and person...one has to learn what it takes, observe the best, and practice until what is learned becomes habit. Being a great person takes skills...people skills!


"People Skills (or Social skills) are most often thought of as a set of skills that allow us to communicate, relate and socialise with others. People skills include both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication. They often are the way others determine our status, consider us as potential friends or mates, and consider us for employment or promotions in the workplace. The opposite of good People skills is social ineptitude, which is an inability to use the defined set of social skills that would make one integrate and get on well with others (source)." There is a short post about people skills on Wikipedia but it does mention that teachings about people skills have been around for centuries and even the Bible can be considered to be an instructional manual for people skills. It also mentions the best-selling self-help book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" that I read a long time ago (see, people really want to learn this stuff and will pay for it!). Just reading the descriptions of the chapters alone sounds like exactly what an EBW needs to be successful. I probably already know a lot of these things, but like many of us, I may have forgotten some advice or I may not be using it as often as I could. So now I need a people skills tutorial refresher course!

I think there is a simple thing that one can remember when trying to get along with others: if you arouse negative feelings in others they will not like you but if you arouse positive feelings they will like you. Simple! Things that arouse negative feelings include bragging, complaining, criticizing, insulting, ignoring, pressuring, offending, burdening, taking for granted, not having good manners, being obnoxious, being embarrassing, being rude, being strange or odd, being difficult, being disruptive, being bossy, being unkempt or unattractive (sorry but true), looking unpleasant and many other things. All one has to do is think about behaviours that one finds unpleasant and try to not do those things. Things that arouse positive feelings in people include paying sincere compliments, flattery, listening to them, making them feel important, trusting them, being accepting and non-judgemental, being friendly, being kind and nice, helping, paying attention to them, inviting and including them, talking to them, saying hi, smiling, using pleasant words, speaking in a pleasant manner, being happy, being positive and optimistic, being fun, being lighthearted, being sincere, caring, being attractive (sorry but true), being popular, being admirable and other things. All one has to do is think about the qualities of people one like and admires to come up with such a list and try to show these qualities whenever possible. 

I think that what BW have to realize is that these negative and positive feelings are natural and often automatic and unconscious to people. This isn't just something that happens to judgemental, racist, sexist, shallow people, it happens automatically to EVERYONE. The feelings can happen in an instant so as soon as someone sees you or you do something the damage (or good effect) is done and your explaining the reasons for your behaviour (e.g., bad day, history of oppression, victim of society etc.) will not un-ring that bell. Life will be much harder for you if people have negative feelings as soon as they see you or as soon as you open your mouth. So if you look unpleasant (e.g., unattractive, mean, hard, unhappy, angry, unkempt, strange--nonverbal communication) and sound unpleasant (harsh, loud, obnoxious, cursing, rude--verbal communication) then you will quickly arouse negative feelings and be disliked. Some people will not bother to get to know you if you arouse negative feelings. If you expect them to look past your negative exterior and behaviour to see the "real you" then you have an enormous sense of entitlement and expect special treatment that probably won't happen. When I hear women say, "If a man really wants me and is a real man then he won't let my 'mean mugging' and harshness deter him" I just shake my head. Why do these women think that they are so attractive that a stranger (who knows nothing of their personality) will overlook the obvious indicators they are unpleasant and still try to be with them? If associating with you is unavoidable then maybe, after getting to know you, you may be liked. In that case you may be told later, "I didn't like you at all when I first met you but now I think you're okay". You don't want to be that person.

Tika Sumpter is saying "I take pride in

my appearance, I'm friendly, happy,

confident,  and I embrace my femininity"

Michelle Obama looking gorgeous!!!

Her nonverbal message is "I'm classy,

upscale, well mannered, modest,

and out of your league boys!"

I think that an issue that some BW have is that they are frequently arousing negative feelings in people and I am not talking about racists. People have a negative reaction to women who are loud, aggressive, rude, obnoxious, confrontational, argumentative, and complaining but some BW embrace these behaviours and expect others to not react. They complain that men are able to do similar things and not be judged as harshly...well I'm sorry but the automatic reaction to men and women exhibiting the same behaviours is different! Your explanation and reasoning after the fact will not un-ring that bell. Many people also experience negative/neutral feelings when they see women who are unnattractive, obese, unkempt, dressed badly, or looking strange. Sorry but that's true and no amount of shaming, explaining why this is unfair, complaining about beauty standards or anything else will change that negative/neutral reaction. I think that a neutral reaction is often likely, for instance, overweight women may be ignored but no negative feelings are experienced when meeting. So if you want to arouse positive feelings instead you need to make sure you are not exhibiting these characteristics.

IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!!! I know, but it's reality and I don't live in fairy tale land or in a future where this isn't the reality, this is the present reality and we need to adapt to it. There is no morality or right and wrong involved with automatic and unconscious reactions. I think that some public service campaigns may be helpful in changing some of the automatic reactions but this takes great effort, time, and exposure to these messages. For instance, all the articles about how unrealistic models and advertising is has had an effect on me so that I am not really affected by seeing thin models, but that took YEARS and avoidance of fashion magazines for YEARS. People are also having less of a negative reaction to dark skin, natural hair, and higher levels or rudeness and vulgarity but that took years of media, immigration, and fashion trends. I think it would be wiser to adapt to the current reality instead of waiting for society to change so that your negative traits become attractive (if that ever happens at all). Attractiveness for instance can be improved and being pleasant physically is a form of non-verbal communication! But of course this is all my opinion, you don't have to change or do anything you don't want to do or adapt to the current reality...it's your choice :) So I'm going to post some links to information about people skills so that we can all learn or get a needed tutorial/refresher. 

Related Articles:

How good are your people skills?: Excellent tutorial!!! MUST READ! Although this refers to the workplace it applies to any time you have to cooperate with others who have different goals and motivations. So this is applicable to romantic relationships and getting along with acquaintances too.
People skills (Great read!!!)
Eight essential people skills, good quote, "Remember that an attitude leads to an emotion, which in turn leads to an action. Shape the attitudes and you have a more reliable way of predicting actions."
10 people skills every government employee should have
What are interpersonal skills? (Good, has links to related lessons)
7 signs you have terrible people skills (I have to work on office politics, networking, and promoting myself)

How do I improve my people skills at work?

Developing people skills video: What I found interesting about this video is that the speaker discusses a time when he wanted to improve his skills to become a better manager but did not think it was possible. But after doing some research he found tips about how to become his best version of a manager and that it required practice. Improving yourself does not mean becoming or pretending to be someone you are not, it is becoming the best version of yourself. Once he improved himself he chose to teach others how to do the same. There is a HUGE field of people who do this...they are called motivational speakers. They teach people how to improve themselves and get what they want instead of blaming others and waiting for them to change or save you.

Emotional intelligence video: You know the more I see videos like this the more confident I am about my self-improvement goals and my values. People who are opposed to self-improvement are so different from me and educators like the man in this video. Critics of self-improvement really don't know what they are talking about and it's best for upwardly mobile people to ignore them.

Emotional intelligence vs. behavioural control Part I, Part2 (very interesting!)

Do People Really Know Why They Do Things?

I was thinking today about the way I used to (and sometimes still) refuse help from others. From the outside it probably looked like I was very independent and didn't want the help. It looked like that to me too sometimes. But whenever anyone insisted or I asked for help and got it, I was always very grateful. I realize now that it wasn't because I wanted to be independent. Why would I turn down rides, money, or food? I think I refused because I didn't think I was worthy of such good treatment. It upsets me to even think about it. I have had a problem with this ever since I was a child. I would go without when I didn't have to. It was low self-esteem. I didn't walk by myself because I wanted to be a loner. I was just too afraid to put effort into developing many friendships out of fear of rejection. Sometimes when people wanted to be my friend I was surprised and wondered "Really? Why would they want to be friends with me?"

I read some complaints by men about women wanting to be independent and not wanting a man. Maybe some of those women are like me and they do things themselves because they don't feel they deserve the help and should be strong enough to do everything. It's interesting that some men complain that they are expected to be strong when I think a lot of women are getting the same message today. That's one of the reasons why I'm rejecting the strong, independent woman label. If you're independent and strong you're called worthless to men but if you're dependent and helpless then you're called worthless to everyone. You can't win! Either way you end up feeling inadequate. I hate the pressure women get for not being feminine or masculine enough. I guess men experience the same thing.

It also makes me think about why people do certain things while dating. Some men complain when women expect them to pay for dates but some women do this so the man will feel needed. That's also why some women let men open doors, carry things, and stand up for them. They want the man to fall in love with them. But of course there are women who just use men for money with no intention of having a relationship. Other women do the exact opposite and pay for everything, refuse any help, and even financially support men. They want to show the man they are not using them and only want their company. They also want the man to fall in love with them. Some women may also do this because of feminist teachings. Different women use different methods because they have been told that one method will ensure a man's love while the opposite method will push him away. Some men are calling this being manipulative and evidence that feminism and women are trying to emasculate them.

But if you read the posts and comments of different men there are some that insist on one of these methods over the other but sometimes to such an extreme that women risk being victimized. Some men think that any woman who isn't independent is oppressing a man by expecting financial support. This is often the preference of fake supporters of feminism who really just want women to financially support them or men who have no ambition or low self-esteem. They want a woman but they don't meet their standards so they guilt the women into lowering their standards. Perhaps some of them really think it's fine to reverse traditional roles and that it's consistent with egalitarianism.

To other men, women who don't rely on men for money, protection, or guidance are ruining society and the family by rejecting the "natural order" and negating the role of men! However, some of these men also expect total submission from their wives, the right to make all decisions, and in some cases don't believe women have the right to say "no" (i.e., men can rape their wives). It's possible that some have low self-esteem issues and think that absolute control is the only way to keep a woman from leaving them. Or they might truly believe that this is the best way to have a happy relationship based on history or social stereotypes.

Some men will deny that they have these motives, they have low self-esteem, or they might not even realize these things. If men and women can recognize that members of both sexes act differently and have different preferences, for many different reasons, we can stop automatically assuming the most negative and exploitative motivations. We should stop categorizing all men or women negatively based on their behaviour or preferences and try to find out the reasoning behind these things. Men and women with the same preferences will be a better match.

Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women!!!

Yes, the post title is full of hyperbole but it is sort of true :) As those of you familiar with this blog can tell, I have been struggling to figure out why people keep criticizing Black women for being unfeminine. I've explored some areas where we can change to improve our feminine appearance and mannerisms:

• clothing and fashion
• make-up
• hair
• smiling
• manners and etiquette
• embracing feminine qualities
• body weight
• independence (boasting too much about it)
• listening to masculine music
• traditional hobbies (e.g., cooking, sewing both very practical skills)
• reducing overt sexuality

Some people even say that because of our dark skin tone people will automatically judge us to be masculine. I don't believe in that though. A woman can be very dark and highly feminine (like many African models) or very light and highly masculine (e.g., Rosie O-Donnell anyone?). It's so outdated especially considering how many light-skinned women tan today. I don't think it's only dark skinned Black women who are being called masculine so that defeats the argument. Being feminine is a combination of many traits.

I think I there was one very important trait that I was missing! The problem is that many people expect and prefer women to be passive and equate that with being feminine! The stereotype for Asian women is that they are very passive (I've learned this isn't really true). People tend to call that submissive and some men say that's what they prefer about Asian women. Passive is defined as: Accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance. Very scary when you think about it that some men seek a woman who will do whatever they want like that! Men who need this have problems and we should all avoid them! Yes, it's very feminine to be quiet, speak softly, not cause a scene, or argue, but being passive all the time will only lead others to take advantage of you and you will not get your needs met. There is a difference between being easy-going and laid-back and being a door mat or push-over for everyone else.

On the other hand, Black women are criticized for being too aggressive. Aggressive is defined as: 1) Ready or likely to attack or confront; characterized or resulting from aggression. 2. Pursuing one's aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so. It is necessary for people to defend themselves and pursue what they want but do you don't have to argue about everything and always get your way? I've heard Black women say they won't put up with the things other women do so they speak up or break up. These Black women are aggressive while other women are passive. Plus, given that some of us are constantly harassed and criticized, being passive and accepting it all would lead to victimization and depression. So what is the best way to be feminine, not be a door mat, get your needs met, and stand up for yourself? Is it even possible to do all of that?

Yes it is possible if you learn how to be assertive!!! Early when I began this blog I posted links to some articles about assertiveness but I never specifically wrote about it. I have done assertiveness training and learned about conflict resolution, but many people have not. This may be the most important thing I ever post on this blog!

Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings and assert one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others. Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person. Assertiveness comes naturally to some, but is a skill that can be learned. People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress. (source)

When I started this blog I posted many areas where I needed to improve, but I tend to be too passive instead of aggressive and I can be assertive when I need to be. This is what I think Black women need to start doing. Passive and assertive need to be our default instead of aggressive most of the time. Assertiveness training is too much to go into here but I have a list of great online resources for you to read so that you can learn how to be assertive instead of aggressive. I strongly recommend doing this! This will help you to get what you want out of life but not leave you vulnerable to the abuse of others. This will improve our communication with everyone and greatly improve the way we appear to the rest of the world. An EBW must learn how to be assertive! Yes, men should do their part and learn this too!

Articles:
Improve Your Assertiveness (excellent quality online workbook)
How to Be More Assertive (great lessons)
Setting Boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training (even better lessons)
Assertiveness Skills Training Tips (very good)
Reduce Stress with Increased Assertiveness
Learn Assertive Communication in Five Simple Steps
10 Top Tips to Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive
Six Steps to becoming Assertive
How to be Assertive with Friends or Family
Assertiveness Training