Hypergamy and Black Women Marrying Up

Cross posted at Beyond Black and White...

I think my blog  is all about hypergamy and becoming a high quality woman, because it feels great to be one and because it makes you attractive to high quality men. I think that a lot of Beyond Black & White and BWE articles are about hypergamy too. So what it hypergamy?

Hypergamy (colloquially referred to as "marrying up") is the act or practice of marrying a spouse of higher caste or status than oneself.[1]...The term is often used more specifically in reference to a perceived tendency among human cultures for females to seek or be encouraged to pursue male suitors that are higher status than themselves, which often manifests itself as being attracted to men who are comparatively older, wealthier or otherwise more privileged than themselves or their current partners.[2] According to evolutionary psychologists, females have evolved a preference for higher status males because they offer their prospective children both "better" genes and greater resources, e.g. food and security. Men, who invest less in their children, have less reason to prefer mates with high social status. Some have even argued that males "marry-down" to ensure that their mates have a higher incentive to remain faithful. (source)

With non-Black women, hypergamy has to do only with wealth, class, privilege. Unfortunately, Black people and Black women have been devalued so much throughout recent history that we have more reason than most non-White women to marry up. Some Black women come from extremely poor and lower class backgrounds and marrying up would help them to leave that poverty. Due to us being Black, some people automatically place us below non-Black women so marrying up would place us at the same level or even above many non-Black women. Because some people devalue Black women they expect us to be satisfied with sub-par men who treat us way worse than they treat non-Black women. Some will even say we are only good enough for Black men so we should not date interracially. We are expected to accept this because supposedly don't deserve any better.

Well people who devalue Black women can go jump off a bridge because I won't let them tell me I deserve less than non-Black women! I'm not going to "settle" for less if non-Black women don't have to. I'm fully behind hypergamy or just marrying someone on your level. Personally for me, I'm not expecting someone to make more money than me, but I'm expecting someone better than what the mainstream or certain Black people expect for Black women. I expect a man who is attractive to me, has good character, has an education, a good career, no criminal record, no band of baby mamas, and a wedding ring for me before I have his children. I will not listen to outsiders who try to convince me and other Black women that we don't deserve those things and we should settle for less.

On my blog I have written about ways that I have tried to improve myself because if you want to marry up then you have to be a high quality woman (I also wanted to improve myself because I just wanted to be the best I could be). To me that doesn't mean a rich or upper class woman, it's about being well-rounded, having useful skills, being attractive, having good manners, and having good character--being the ideal and highly desirable woman. I felt that I needed to improve in some areas so I did it. I think that many women can improve their qualities so that they can marry up too. Some men support hypergamy and some do not. Men who are of high quality and status often condone female hypergamy because they are able to attract the best women, so it benefits them. They seek out high paying careers, work out, dress well, and drive expensive cars because it makes them attractive to women and makes them look better than other men. Because these men are highly valued then they are able to date and marry highly valued women.

On the other hand, men who are of lower quality are opposed to female hypergamy. They will try to convince women to put aside their desire for someone attractive, without a criminal record, with and education and career, without baby mamas, and the possibility of a marriage proposal. They want you to lower your standards and marry down. What's interesting is that these men fully support male hypergamy--dating and marrying women who are way out of their league! These men have little to offer but they go after highly attractive and successful women and feel they deserve these women because they are supposedly "nice guys". Many of these men are jaded because they have been passed over by high quality women due to their below average looks, character, communication skills, wealth, career, and other factors. Many of these men have joined groups to rant about how evil women are or groups focused on learning skills/tricks to get women to think they are of higher quality. This is where the Pick Up Artists (PUAs) come in.

PUAs are men who read and learn tips/tricks from other skilled PUAs about how to pick up women. The PUA masters use their tricks to get many women to sleep with them with no intention of having relationships. Many act as though they want a relationship just to get women into bed. I LOATHE these men and they can be downright misogynists! Their goal is to sleep with attractive women who would never sleep with them if it was not for their game personas and tricks. However, there are also socially awkward or less desirable men who use PUA lessons to make themselves appear more confident, funny, and attractive to women. To me that doesn't sound bad, in fact it sounds a lot like what I write about on my blog and many articles/books about what women can do to become more attractive (everything you have ever read/heard about how to attract/please/keep a man is pretty much female game theory. It teaches you what to do to get/keep a guy by doing things that you would not normally do). These men are trying to improve themselves so that they can get better women so I don't have a problem with that. In real life I have been approached by 4 PUAs. They knew just what to say and they didn't try to get me to sleep with them (2 did get my phone number. The first one told me all about PUAs. I figured out the second one was a PUA the next day. It turned out he was an expert and trained the next 2 guys who approached me!!!) . They were just charming and friendly and we had great conversations. The less experienced PUAs were awkward and shy. I was not attracted to them but they did not seem like bad guys.

So no, I would not look down on a guy who has read PUA material, it would just depend on what his attitude was towards women and what he was looking for. If he thinks women owe him sex and that we are all evil then obviously I want to avoid those guys like the plague. But if the guy thinks he is lacking in the looks and personality department and uses PUA tips/trick to appear more appealing, then that's fine with me (I would be a hypocrite if I looked down on that). I think that it's fine if women and men try to marry up as long as you are not creating an entirely false identity or lying just to get someone in bed or to the wedding chapel. Self-improvement is a great thing but use it for good not evil :)

Related Articles and Websites:

The hypergamy acceptance movement

Equality and the end of marrying up

Research reveals why today's women are marrying down

Marrying up is on it's way down

MPUA Pick up artist forum

PUA forums

What's wrong with PUA (a woman's opinion)

Must Read Article "Is No Strings Attached Sex' an Oxymoron?'

I just read a very important article on Hooking up Smart called, 'Is No Strings Attached Sex' an Oxymoron?' It details recent research about the psychological consequences of engaging in casual sex, something the casual sex advocates seem to conveniently overlook. By casual sex I mean sleeping with someone you barely know, or someone who has made no indication that they care about you or want to have a relationship with you (e.g., one night stands, sleeping with someone before getting to know them, just having sex with someone with no strings attached). I don't mean simply having sex with someone before you are married because at this point most people don't have a problem with that and I never said I did (as long as you are not too young and doing it with too many people etc.).

There is no such thing as truly safe sex and casual sex DOES have consequences, maybe not for everyone, but for enough people that they should be warned about it. Being informed means having enough information about the pros and cons of something so that you can make a well informed choice. Telling women that casual sex is great as long as you use protection is ignoring the potential cons...the psychological effects of casual sex.

"It’s clear that positive feelings from a hookup diminish over time. Also, unsurprisingly, women express far more regret and other emotional consequences than men. Still, it’s clear that about A QUARTER of women enjoy hooking up and cite no ill effects." This means that 75% of women either do not enjoy hooking up or 75% of women experience ill effects of hooking up! So should you pay more attention to the minority's experience (25%) or the experience of the majority (75%) when making a decision?

"Another study identified two types of sexual encounters that were particularly predictive of regret: engaging in penetrative intercourse with someone known less than 24 hours and engaging in penetrative intercourse with someone only once…Campbell (2008) found that men had stronger feelings of being “sorry because they felt they used another person,” whereas women had stronger feelings of “regret because they felt used.”
"
"In a study of 394 young adults followed across a university semester, those with more depressive symptoms and greater feelings of loneliness who engaged in penetrative sex hookups subsequently reported a reduction in both depressive symptoms and feelings of loneliness (Owen et al., 2011)...At the same time, participants who reported fewer depressive symptoms and fewer feelings of loneliness who engaged in penetrative sex hookups subsequently reported an increase in both depressive symptoms and feelings of loneliness (Owen et al., 2011)." It's basically saying that for this sample, women who feel depressed and lonely are the one's who find hookups enjoyable, which is what many of us already thought.

"Misperception of sexual norms is one potential driver for people to behave in ways they do not personally endorse. In a replication and extension of Lambert et al.’s (2003) study, Reiber and Garcia (2010) found that 78 percent of people overestimated others’ comfort with many different sexual hook-up behaviors, with men particularly overestimating women’s actual comfort with a variety of sexual behaviors in hookups." In other words, people, especially men, are assuming that most people are okay with hooking up, but they are overestimating this. They assume that most girls they meet will be okay with casual encounters and will act according to that assumption which is bad for the girls who don't want those encounters and are looking for love/relationships instead.

"People who hook up are more likely to have concurrent sexual partners (Paik, 2010b). Moreover, in a sample of 1,468 college students, among the 429 students who had engaged in oral sex, anal sex or vaginal intercourse in their most recent hookup, only 46.6 percent reported using a condom (Lewis et al., 2011)."

"Alcohol use has also been associated with a type of hookup: The greatest alcohol use was associated with penetrative sexual hookups, less alcohol use with nonpenetrative hookups, and the least amount of alcohol use occurred among those who did not hook-up (Owen, Fincham, & Moore, 2011)."... “Alcohol may also serve as an excuse, purposely consumed as a strategy to protect the self from having to justify hook-up behavior later (Paul, 2006).” So basically, if you need to be really drunk to hook up then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. If you wouldn't do it sober then you don't really want to do it.

"Men reached orgasm more often than women. In first-time hookups, 31 percent of men and 10 percent of women reached orgasm; in last relationship sexual activity, 85 percent of men and 68 percent of women reached orgasm." So if you really want to have enjoyable sex, it's better with a partner! Everyone knows this except that 25% who keeps saying hookups are great. Even they might not be having orgasms, maybe they think it's great because they feel less depressed and lonely after.

Very interesting article!

What Do Men Look for in Girlfriends & Wives?

This post is going to be entirely videos. I'll let some men and women explain what they think men want in girlfriends and wives. If you want men to care about what you want then you should care about what they want right?







Three more videos after the break...

Black Women, Are You Feminine Enough?

On Beyond Black & White a few people commented that being feminine wasn't mainly about looks. This is true. But it easier to show others how to look feminine rather than how to be feminine (how do you show a character trait?). It is also easier to change your looks and in fact, this can be completed in only one day. You have probably seen it done on makeover shows on TV. So this is the easiest first step towards becoming more feminine. By looking more feminine, feeling better about yourself, and getting positive feedback from others, this can motivate you to embrace feminine character traits as a next step.

It takes more time and practice before expressing positive feminine traits becomes natural. You will be improving  and recreating yourself as a highly feminine woman. Below I have provided a new video that lists numerous positive feminine traits. These traits are also positive in men. Men will still be masculine if they have none of these traits, but they will be mean, uncaring, and really unpleasant to be around. However, if men express too much of these traits they will appear feminine or androgynous. I hope you enjoy the video :)

Why do some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?

Well I have been kindly asked to do guest posts on the Beyond Black and White blog! I have been a reader of the blog for quite a while because it presents good articles about Black women. The articles are well written compared to some other sites, there is variety, and the comments are WAY better than the ones on most sites and  most are legible! It does support interracial relationships but even if that isn't your cup of tea, there are great articles that aren't even about that. Who you date is your choice. I just finished my first post there and we will see how it goes :) Here is the link. 

Hopefully it will generate some positive discussion but I'm going to refrain from arguing for no reason. I won't feed the trolls and I hope they don't come over here but they might. Since I have no tolerance for that stuff their comments will be deleted here :) I tend to not respond to comments right away (as you may have noticed on this blog) because I think it's better to take the time to think out my responses. From experience I've found that things can be said and taken the wrong way and can cause arguments if posted immediately. Plus, keeping up with comments can be overwhelming and I'm trying to be low stress. I'll have to remember this on BBW :)

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I'll warn you right now that this will sound harsh but I hope that you can hear the caring message I'm trying to send. I think Black women can do better and be better because we are much better than the world and many of us believe! We need to stop having low standards for ourselves, settling for being mediocre, and refusing to improve ourselves. If we want better lives then we have to do better. Please focus on the issues raised instead of throwing personal attacks thanks.  :) Now on to the post.  :)

Over and over again I hear women state, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are". Well what if you are rude, lazy, slovenly, highly unattractive, and really unpleasant to be around? What if your spouse, friends, coworkers, and family don't like to be around you because you are so unpleasant? What if you can't get a date because men say you are not attractive and your attitude turns them off? Should people with these traits not try to improve themselves? Shouldn't they try to do better and be better?

Being polite, hard working, neat, attractive, and pleasant are virtues that many people strive for because they make them more desirable and tolerable. People learn and change everyday, and many choose to improve themselves while others stubbornly refuse. You will hate me for saying this but, don't you know that the, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are," thing was said to make unattractive people with no hope feel good about themselves? Unless you look like the Elephant Man then that pleasantry wasn't meant for you sweetie.

Some people want to be desirable and tolerable while others do not seem to care. This of course is your prerogative and if you never want to improve or change then this article is not for you.  :) It gets tiring (and boring) hearing some Black women complain that others are not finding them attractive when they have been given advice, over and over, about how to become more attractive! It is also tiring when many non-Black women do things to make themselves more attractive, but some Black women refuse to do the same things and are shocked or outraged when they are not found to be attractive. Well if you want things to change then you have to change something! If you want people to find you attractive, then make yourself as attractive as possible! Doesn't that make sense? Some of you will quibble about what makes someone attractive and say that if it's subjective then how can you choose what to do to become attractive. Well I'll leave that to future post. Also, if you are already highly attractive or doing your best (within reason, nothing dangerous) then I'm definitely not talking about you. But my main point is this, if Black women want the mainstream, Black people, and the world to find them more attractive then they will just have to become more attractive!

Some women may state that they should not have to change for any reason or for anyone. Instead they insist that others should change their ideas about beauty in order to include them. Everyone else should change but they should do absolutely nothing to improve themselves!? Yes, people who find beautiful, kind, and pleasant women attractive should stop doing that and find slovenly, mean, and crude women attractive too. They must somehow suppress their automatic positive mental reaction to attractive women and reprogram their brains to find the opposite attractive. Yes, that will surely work! Actually it would only work if unattractive women were the only women left on earth and men had to settle. Unfortunately, men have plenty of attractive women to choose from so they won't have to change their standards. So while some of you wait to have that miracle happen the rest of us will just improve ourselves and enjoy the benefits.

Some people believe in self-improvement and that only those who are lazy, unmotivated, stubborn, antisocial, rebellious, or lacking self-esteem would settle for not becoming the best they can be. This article will be easily accepted by these women. These women don't want to settle for who they are now because they want to be better and know that they can be the best! Some may say that a woman who is willing to change herself has low self-esteem and lacks self-love. I say that I love myself and believe in myself so much I will succeed in becoming highly attractive, feminine, and virtuous. Wearing pretty makeup and clothes and maintaining an attractive weight will show my self-love. Let me use a metaphor, you can tell if someone loves and respects their house if they care for it, clean it and keep it neat, make it attractive, and protect it, instead of letting it get run down and filthy like houses on Hoarders. So are you keeping up your body/house or is it in need of a major overhaul?

In conclusion, I'd like to ask the, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You're prefect just the way you are" crowd, are you doing anything that visually shows you love yourself? Or are you doing nothing and calling that self-love? Why are you rejecting self-improvement? Are you being your best right now or could you be even better? Why are you settling for mediocrity?

Prude-shaming, Love-shaming, Marriage-shaming, and Tradition-shaming

Based on my readings of feminist blogs, women's blogs, media messages, and conversations with certain people I think that there is such thing as "prude-shaming", "love-shaming", "marriage-shaming", and "tradition-shaming". What all four of these acts have in common is that they shame people for doing something that was once considered the norm in the recent past (10-15 years ago). People are being shamed for things that were the norm when I was growing up. A lot of this shaming is based on the theoretical ideas of certain intellectuals or activist groups. Unfortunately what these people are endorsing has not been tested enough in Western societies or many other societies for them to say that they are "good for society" and will not cause problems in the future. There is a big difference between theory and practice and sometimes ideas that sound good on paper are disasterous in real life. Of course traditional viewpoints and lifestyles are not perfect either but at least we can compare times in the past to the present and see the problems that have arisen since non-traditional lifestyles and beliefs have become more popular.

Prude-shaming: This done to shame someone who is uncomfortable with or disgusted by a certain level of sexual activity. It may be used when someone is against sex before marriage, promiscuity, pornography, strippers, prostitution, open relationships or specific sex acts that they think are disgusting. The prude is told "don't judge" something to be disgusting or undesirable when that is exactly how they feel. Prudes are people with a lower threshold for disgust and prude-shamers have a higher threshold. Therefore, a prude could be disgusted by a specific behaviour while a prude-shamer would have a neutral or positive reaction. The prude-shamer then judges him- or herself as "correct", "enlightened", "open-minded" or in some way "better" than the prude and this is used to justify their shaming of the prude. If the prude tries to shame the prude-shamer or people who engage in a given sexual practice then they are called a "slut-shamer" or "sex-shamer" (e.g., Jenna Marbles incident).

The problem with prude-shaming is that people are made to question their disgusted feelings and values and pressured to condone things that they actually don't like. In the worst case, people will engage in behaviours they don't like because everyone else says those behaviours are acceptable and they are "abnormal" if they don't agree (the basis for peer/media pressure).

Love-shaming: This is done to shame someone who believes in love, is looking for love, or who spends a lot of time pursuing and thinking about romantic relationships. This is done to men and women who make any effort to find a romantic partner (e.g., flirting, going out to meet people, approaching people, online dating, matchmakers, reading dating books etc.). These people may be ridiculed and told love doesn't exist, relationships are for suckers, it's better to be single, you are so desperate, you must have low self-esteem if you need someone so bad, all you need is yourself, etc. They are discouraged from looking for love and told that there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed (e.g., judging them by saying they have low self-esteem, daddy issues, no life, desperate, no goals, no career focus, etc.). They are told that love is just something in books and movies and  they are judged to be being foolish, naive, silly, immature for caring so much about it. Women who appear to be very concerned with relationships are ridiculed for not having any depth (e.g., Taylor Swift is ridiculed for singing so much about relationships). Love-shaming is often done by people who have never experienced love, those who have loved and lost, and those who prefer relationships without love (e.g., casual sex relationships). 

In the worst case, people will give up on finding love, settle for whatever relationship they can get, or allow others to dictate the terms of relationships (e.g., I will use your body but I will not love you, and you will accept this because that's a normal relationship and love doesn't exist).

Marriage-shaming: This is done to shame someone who wants to get married, thinks highly of marriage, or thinks more people should get married. These people are told statistics about how many marriages end in divorce and about couples and singe people who are very happy without being married. They are told that marriage is an oppressive and antiquated practice based on the patriarchal ownership of women and has nothing to do with real love. Marriage-shaming often takes the form of warning people not to get married (especially men) and that marriage ruins relationships. Marriage-shamers love to tell people that they grew up in or know people who grew up in single-parent households who turned out fine so there is no need to get married. Marriage-shaming is frequently done when someone criticizes others for not getting married before having children or blames the decline of marriage for any problem in society. Marriage-shamers often uphold non-traditional relationships (i.e., relationships that are not marriages between 1 man and 1 woman) as being just as acceptable to society, healthy, fulfilling, common, and beneficial to children.

In the worst case, people will not ask for marriage when that is what they really want. Or they will stay with partners who refuse to marry them (because the partner doesn't really want to commit and gives normalized reasons why marriage is unnecessary). These people will feel disappointed and that they were not good enough to marry (e.g., thinking they will never get married because they are Black women :( ). People will not feel the need to get married, marriage rates will further decline, and being unmarried will become the norm. 

Tradition-shaming: Prude-shaming, love-shaming, and marriage-shaming can also be considered types of tradition-shaming. Tradition-shaming occurs when someone is shamed for a belief or lifestyle that is traditional and has been acceptable for a long time. Disgust with promiscuity and certain sex acts is traditional and present in many religions. Belief in love and having romantic relationships is also traditionally accepted (but in some places arranged marriages are just as/even more acceptable). Belief in marriage is of course very traditional all around the world and in many religions. Tradition-shaming also occurs when anyone is shamed for endorsing and embracing a traditional feminine appearance, traditional feminine activities (e.g., cooking, sewing), or gender roles. Tradition-shaming is often applied to people who try to maintain their cultural roots or those who are religious. Tradition-shamers judge that there is something wrong with those who uphold tradition and call those people old-fashioned, brainwashed, non-thinking, closed-minded, afraid of change, sexist, zealots etc. because they are not following newer trends or beliefs. Tradition-shamers believe in modern beliefs and lifestyles and judge them to be superior to those of the past.

In the worst case, people will abandon their beliefs and traditions in favor of modern lifestyles that have no track record of being better for most people or beneficial to society . Instead of doing or asking for what they want people will suppress these desires and do/accept whatever other people say is "the new normal" (e.g., Many men and women are settling for just "hooking up" when they really want relationships because the media keeps saying traditional dating is dead. Women will settle for not getting married because the media says marriage is becoming rare. Women will accept open relationships if the media says open relationships can be healthy and satisfying. Women will put up with being "baby mamas" if everyone says it's acceptable and fathers are unnecessary).

The purpose of this post was to show that shaming goes both ways. Progressive people shame and judge conservative and traditional people for their views. This shaming and judging has become very prominent with the media, intellectuals, and activism groups (e.g., feminists) who become outraged when traditional people shame and judge them back. They make up terms like "slut-shaming" and "fat-shaming" when someone states their being promiscuous or very overweight is unattractive for them or romantic partners they are seeking. People are shamed for having opinions that are not super liberal and modern. Just as these modern thinkers call traditional people closed-minded, small thinking, or brainwashed, traditional people call modern thinkers irresponsible, unrealistic, lacking self-control, and brainwashed by the media and activists!

Who is the real free-thinker with strong beliefs that will not be swayed by the opinions of others? Is it the modern person who follows every trend and thinks we should just accept and adapt to whatever other people choose to do? Or is it the traditional person who compares the past to the present, thinks some things in the past were better, and fights against the loud voices of those who want to abandon everything we have learned in the past? Traditional people have their books and theories and modern/progressive people have their books and theories. Both groups JUDGE their views to be better than the other group and they both SHAME the other group for their views.

I think it is abnormal to not have any opinions or values and people who say "I never judge" and "I accept everything and everyone" are lacking self-awareness. They are unaware of their biases and preferences but you can pick these things out by looking at the way they live and the choices they make for themselves. Beware of people who say they support lifestyles that they have never engaged in and have NO DESIRE to engage in. Ask them why because that will reveal their biases and preferences. This is a big red flag! For example, some feminists say they will support any woman (including a friend's) sexual lifestyle even though they have never engaged in that lifestyle, and have no desire to do so. If they have no desire to engage in the lifestyle under any circumstance then they do not really approve of that lifestyle! If they can not list reasons why they think that lifestyle is valuable, good, justified etc. then they do not approve of that lifestyle! If under different circumstances they would not engage in that lifestyle (e.g., no one would find out, no danger, trusted people, nothing to lose), then they do not approve. I liken this to you asking someone if doing A is a good idea, they say sure, you then ask them to do A with you and they say "No way I'm not crazy!" These people will NEVER give you honest and good advice about important life choices because they will nod their heads and support ANYTHING! Should I quit school? Sure! Should I be a stripper? Sure! Should I join the circus? Sure! Should I sleep with the entire football team? Sure! Do you see how useless and potentially destructive that is? They either don't think or they don't care to protect you from harm. True friends and family members would never do this. They would talk to you about your decision, make sure you were informed about the pros and cons, and discuss alternatives. Don't bother seeking approval for people with no standards, you may as well talk to a brick wall.

Are Feminists Against Marriage?

There as an interesting conversation on another blog about a horrible new reality show starring a (c)rapper and his 10 baby mamas and 11 children. Yes you heard that right, a show about a promiscuous man who constantly impregnates 17-19 year old women who all live in a house with him! Well I made a comment that many feminists are against marriage and would see this arrangement as ideal especially if the man went away. Someone accused me of speaking "nonsense" and ordered me to give her sources to support my argument. Well I posted two videos but that was all I was willing to do because I'm not that stranger's slave and she should be empowered enough to do a simple Google search (it's funny but when I posted a video of feminist quotes she actually refused to view it even though she was the one who asked for sources!). It's a waste of time trying to educate such people, she doesn't even know what some members of her own group think.

Would I say I'm anti-feminist, no since I do agree with many of the things they do and have done. But I have the right to talk about the things I don't agree with. I thought about calling myself an egalitarian but after reading a bit about it I don't think it describes me either because I don't believe all lifestyle choices are equal, I think some people are better at some jobs/roles than others, some people earn privileges and prestige, and some people (e.g., children) can't handle the same rights and responsibilities as others. If I say I'm an egalitarian then I would be placing myself with the same people who have no problem with the (c)rapper's lifestyle, being promiscuous, taking drugs, getting black out drunk, not taking responsibility etc. and "respects" everyone else's lifestyle. That is so not me!

Other people often argue that people shouldn't bother to get married because so many marriages end in divorce. When I hear that I always think, "so what if they end in divorce?" I mean, a lot of people fail or have to drop out of university, but I didn't let that stop me from going and trying. If I had listened to the people saying school was a waste of time, so many people fail etc. then I would not have gotten my degrees. A lot of people are let go from their jobs so should I not bother to work? Some people never get into their desired career so should they not even try? Many people change careers 2-3 times in their life and may only stay in a job for 10 years, so was that a total waste of time? Didn't those jobs fulfill their needs for a period of time? Even if I get married and it ends after 20 years, so what? 20 years is a long time and I want that experience. In twenty years I will be 54 and right now I'm not thinking about what my life will be like at 54, I'm focused on my present experiences and my desire for present happiness. Even though up to 1/3 marriages in Canada end in divorce prior to 30 years, who says I won't be in the other 2/3 that don't divorce? Some people let fear of failure prevent them from doing things in life, they may be underachievers, yet when it comes to marriage people act like these people are brave to not get married out of fear of divorce.

Well back to the feminist arguments, these may be considered "radical feminists" but many of them are well known, they have written books I have actually heard of, these books are often read in universities, and many of these women are lecturers, professors, and heads of women's studies departments. So I think I'm just going to post links to articles so that you can read and decide for yourself if there are some feminists who are against marriage and would rather have women become single mothers with no involvement from the fathers. Get mad at them, not me because I'm just providing links to things they have said that are readily available on the Internet and in their writings.

I did find one interesting quote stating that feminists need to tone down on the anti-marriage rhetoric because it puts them at odds with  liberal feminists and most other women...good advice. Let's add anti-marriage messages to my list of other reasons why I can't support Third Wave feminism and even some earlier wave feminism (also on the list: the ignoring of non-White women, man-hating statements, promoting promiscuity as liberating and empowering, endorsing single motherhood as though it's easy, and the rejection and ridicule of feminine women, women who try to look attractive, women who wear makeup and dresses, women who want to have relationships with men, women who would rather be stay at home moms than career women, women who don't want to compete with men, and women who don't want to act and look like men).

Articles about anti-marriage statements made by feminists:

• Marriage and family: an ideological background: EXCELLENT! Apparently nowadays believing in marriage and having intact nuclear families is "conservative" when it used to just be "normal". Interesting that some feminists, such as Betty Friedan of The Feminine Mystique and Germaine Grier, were against marriage and their work was used to argue against marriage but later on they changed their minds! Some women spouting this stuff may end up changing their minds after millions of women listened and acted on their teachings.
• Who wants to marry a feminist? Very interesting! When some feminists got married some other feminists called them traitors. 
• Young, feminist, and...married
• Can a person be a feminist and still believe in marriage?  Really good except the last two paragraphs. "Moderate, mainstream feminists have long rejected this animus against marriage; the vast majority of such feminists either are married or intend to marry...Radical feminists...seek to undermine the nuclear family of married father, mother, and children, which they label the “patriarchal family.” As feminist leader Betty Friedan has warned, this anti-marriage agenda places radical feminists profoundly at odds with the family aspirations of mainstream feminists and most other American women."
• Criticism of marriage on Wikipedia (there is a part about feminist criticisms)
• The case against marriage
• Desperate feminist wives: Article describes large study showing that housewives are happier than women who have to work. "But the most interesting data may be that the women who strongly identify as progressive—the 15 percent who agree most with feminist ideals—have a harder time being happy than their peers, according to an analysis that has been provided exclusively to Slate. Feminist ideals, not domestic duties, seem to be what make wives morose. Progressive married women—who should be enjoying some or all of the fruits that Freidan lobbied for—are less happy, it would appear, than women who live as if Friedan never existed." WOW!
• Straw feminists setting fire to marriage material: This is a woman giving her strong opinion.

I Think Promiscuous Men are Gross Too

It's puzzling whenever someone says they don't think women should be promiscuous and someone comes out and asks, "why aren't you talking about promiscuous men too, they always get a pass." I think they need to get used to the concept that people often focus on one issue at a time because the circumstances are different so they can not easily be combined with other issues! This is the case with promiscuity, the situation for men and the consequences are different from that of women. Yes, yes, yes it's an unfair double standard but that is today's reality. You can live in reality or fairy tale land, but the rest of the world will not act according to your fairy tale script.

Also, I think that there is a common belief (maybe true maybe false) that women are more able to control their sex drive than men (e.g., studies that say men think about sex every 15 seconds). There is this belief that men are more easily aroused and able to have sex with someone without any intimacy. These ideas may be wrong but most people believe this. Therefore it makes sense that people would try to talk to women if they feel women are more capable of saying no. It reminds me of the debate over having birth control pills for men, many women don't want it because they don't trust men to actually use it. Well, many people don't trust men to be able to say no to promiscuous women but they know women often turn down promiscuous men. So they instead try to convince women to not be promiscuous and to say no to men instead of the reverse.

More importantly, promiscuous men don't always get a pass, especially not with women.Why are you ignoring all the women who are turned off and upset with promiscuous men? Do they not count? Just because some men think these guys are cool that fact that most women don't means nothing? Stop saying men always get a pass for sleeping around because that is absolutely not true because many women don't like it. Just as men don't want relationships with promiscuous women, women don't want relationships with promiscuous men!

These are the reasons why I think promiscuous men are gross and I don't want to hang out with them or date them:

1. Promiscuous men are only interested in you for sex. They don't care about you as a human being and they just want to use you for their needs. They are no better than someone who wants to use you for your money. They see you as a sex object and not a human being with feelings (or they just don't care about your feelings). They have no respect for you. This is just cold and heartless and who wants to associate with such a person.
2. Promiscuous men will pretend they want a relationship with you but really they only want sex. They will talk about your future together, flatter you, and make you hopeful but it is all an act. They are con artists and pick up artists. Many use the same lines on different women once they come up with a winning routine. They are liars and fakes. They entice girls with the promise of a relationship (what these women want) but dump them once they get sex (what these men really want). It's like agreeing to purchase something from a salesman and they give you an entirely different product.
3. Promiscuous men pressure and beg women to do something they don't want to do. They are specially skilled in convincing women that it's okay to have sex with them because everyone is doing it (lie), it's not a big deal (lie), it will be great (often a lie), and it's normal (entirely subjective). These men will pressure, beg, and push and push until women give in to what they initially said no to. They are the ultimate peer pressurers and manipulators. This is why it's hard to even be friends with promiscuous men because, especially when you are alone, they will try to have sex with you when you aren't even expecting it. You don't feel safe and relaxed around them because they are scheming to get you into bed. Beware of the types who keep trying to get you drunk, it's so that your inhibitions are lowered and you will give in to their pressure. They can be borderline rapists sometimes because they don't care about you and want sex from you no matter what.
4. Promiscuous men are irresponsible because some get women pregnant, don't care if they have gotten women pregnant, or don't know if they have multiple children walking around. This is being totally irresponsible and indifferent. Many of these promiscuous men don't like to wear condoms I guess because they are so wrapped up in how good sex feels without one. I wish I could find the article, but there was one about three men who had 100 children combined and did not pay child support for any of them. In the news interview some of the women did not know the other women existed. Sometimes if you ask a man if he has any kids he will joke, "not that I know of", well YOU SHOULD KNOW and it's not a joke! I think that condoning the promiscuity of men and men just using women as sex objects is a major reason why there are so many out of wedlock children. The men did not bother to get to know or become emotionally attached to the mothers and since they only wanted sex, their responsibility ended after the sex act. It doesn't matter to them if a child was a result since they did not plan on making a child.
5. Promiscuous men are often cheaters. They lie to women and pretend they are monogamous but they are sleeping with other women. These men do not make good partners because one woman can never satisfy them. So they lie and cheat. This endangers the women if he catches an STD. It ruins relationships all the time and often the man will say, "It was just sex. It didn't mean anything." When feminists argue that sex is no big deal then men can use this excuse when they cheat. If I know a man has had many sex partners I don't trust him and will not date him. The man has shown that he has a huge sexual appetite and has needed sex with many women. How can he possibly be satisfied with one woman? Plus, since he has had sex so many times he may be way more experienced than you so you will not satisfy him. Or he may have a preference for inexperienced women and once you sleep with him enough you will no longer be "innocent" enough for him. Either way, no one will convince me that a guy who has slept with over 100 women, often in one night stands, will be satisfied with one woman for a long period of time. I just won't trust such a man. 
6. Promiscuous men will not protect you from lecherous men. They see this as interfering with another man's "game". So these men will sit back and watch you get harassed or even worse and never interfere. These men will not stand up and say their friend should not cheat, take home some girl from the bar, use a girl for sex and dump her etc. You do not want your man to hang out with such men because they will condone and maybe even pressure your man to be as promiscuous as they are. Promiscuous men peer pressure other men to just use women for sex. They make fun of men who don't want to approach a woman and who have few sex partners. 
7. Promiscuous men often brag about their sex partners and can ruin a woman's reputation. You can not trust these men to keep quiet and although they had sex with you, they will tell others that you are a slut and turn them against you. These men have no respect for you because you had sex with them! So they have no problem telling the world about what you did and how awful you are for doing it. Do you remember John Mayer and how embarrassed Jessica Simpson was when he talked about having sex with her? Well this happens with celebrities and regular people all the time. If someone just sees you as a sex object then they don't care to protect your reputation and they will tell everyone what it was like to have sex with you. He may even encourage his friends to sleep with you so you will be "passed around". If you want a bad reputation, sleep with a promiscuous man. Promiscuous men also develop a reputation and are often called "players" or "playboys". Concerned people warn women not to date them and no one takes their relationships seriously. Their girlfriends will always be suspicious and accusing them of cheating so there will be no trust. Other men will not want these men around their women. People are surprised when promiscuous men have relationships and get married, they expect the man to cheat, and are not surprised when it happens (e.g., Kobe Bryant). 
8. Promiscuous men send the message to other men that being promiscuous is fantastic. These men will brag about how much sex they have had with different women. They will act as though this makes them better and happier than other men and some men will actually believe them. Other men will then think that the reason why they are unhappy is because they are not having lots of casual sex. So they will try to do so by lying to girls to get sex and using them as sex objects. There is a whole pick up artist (PUA) community including books, videos, seminars, and online forums dedicated to the purpose of tricking or attracting women for sex. You will probably be disgusted by many of their techniques and stories. Some of these men may actually want relationships, but the PUA role models are looked up to due to the high numbers of sex partners and encounters they have had, not for their relationships. Unfortunately, according to studies described on Hooking Up Smart and other sites, neither men or women are usually satisfied with just having sexual relationships. So these men may not be happy in the long run, especially if they end up with an STD or an unwanted baby to support. Promiscuous men downplay the positives about having relationships in favour of casual sex encounters for men. This makes it difficult for women to find men who want to have relationships and get married. 
9. Promiscuous men make other men look bad. After several experiences with promiscuous men who pretend they like you but only want sex, you may start to believe that all men are that way. You will become suspicious that when men talk about having a relationship with you and think it is just a lie to get you in bed. Then you become less trusting and open when a genuine nice guy comes around. This is what happens when women end up saying, "all men are dogs, cheaters, uncaring, and only in it for sex." Promiscuous and cheating men create these women and their innocence and openness is lost. They create bitter women. You feel like an idiot when a man tells you everything you dreamed of hearing , you give yourself to him, and he just dumps you because it was all a lie. Since you don't want this to happen again you are suspicious of every other man you know and every man you meet. This makes is harder for nice guys to get into relationships and it makes women cold towards them. So promiscuous men make it hard for men and women to start and maintain trusting relationships. When men cheat, women become suspicious of their future partners and this leads to paranoia and fights over those suspicions too. 

So as you can see I have many reasons why I think promiscuity should not be encourage or practiced by men too. In fact, I think that men being promiscuous is probably more harmful for society. Women trying to be like these men will just intensify the problem. If it's okay for women to be promiscuous then men will take advantage of that and be even more promiscuous. So I think it's best to discourage promiscuity for women AND men. Only a small minority prefer one night stands and friends with benefits to being in relationships. I would rather focus on making relationship-oriented people feel comfortable with their choice than worry about shaming the minority of people who choose to be promiscuous only for the pleasure (not due to peer pressure, low self-esteem, childhood abuse, trying to get a relationship etc.). So no, I do not support everyone's lifestyle choice and I don't have to. I disapprove of promiscuous men just as much as promiscuous women.

My Issue With Slut Shaming

Please watch these two videos. The language may be hard to listen to because there is swearing in the first one, they are talking about sex, and the second video is heartbreaking and talks about rape.







So what is my commentary on slut shaming and these two videos? Some of my comments here are going to be personal and revealing but here goes...Well do you remember when schools, public service announcements, and the media were all about resisting peer pressure and media messages about sex? Remember when they were telling young people to wait to have sex until you were ready, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, and  it's better when you are in a loving relationship? Remember when people warned girls that some guys will just use them for sex so don't give it to them easily? Remember when people warned you to ignore those who said "it's okay, everyone's doing it, it's fun, it's no big deal" and just say "no" if you are uncomfortable with having sex? I wonder what happened to that.

Now, although there are still intellectuals and media campaigns about the dangers of too much sex on TV, the Internet, and advertising there is a new and different message being sent. The message is that its fine, healthy, and normal for women (and men) to have casual sex (sex without a relationship, with strangers, one night stands, friends with benefits) and that this is actually an empowered choice, very fulfilling, and it makes many women very happy. Where did this message come from? Well I think it arose from women who like to have causal sex with multiple partners trying to normalize their behaviour and stop society from making them feel bad about it. So they used arguments about sexism, misogyny, and biology to support their argument that women having casual sex with multiple partners is normal and should be accepted because they apparently enjoy it. They did this so that their lifestyle choices would be accepted. So these women fight slut shaming because it is used to make such women feel bad about their choices...their feelings get hurt when they are called "sluts".

I am more old fashioned I suppose so the warnings and messages of the past (e.g., resist peer pressure, sex is better in a loving relationship etc.) were appropriate for me. I actually wish I was stronger and had been able to resit more of the peer pressure. Let me explain. If after a few dates a guy was to invite me to his place and say "Elegance, I think you are the most amazing woman and I want us to be exclusive. Will you be my girlfriend?" I would be SO HAPPY. This is what I want and this is what I am looking for. Instead I get "let's do it, it's no big deal, you will like it" with no promise or even a discussion of a relationship. In fact I have even gotten "let's do it but I'm still dating other women". I am not happy whatsoever when I am told those things. I feel incredibly disappointed because it is not what I want or what I am looking for. But sometimes I went along with it in the hopes that after a while I would get what I wanted, to be someone's girlfriend. Unfortunately, like many women's experiences, this rarely happened and instead I ended up doing something I didn't even want to do, did not really enjoy or remember, and I never ended up getting what I wanted.

So for me, all the talk about how great sex was and how enjoyable casual sex can be was ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE for me. It was like propaganda saying casual sex was so great when it really wasn't. These pro casual sex messages made it seem as though being a girlfriend was equal to having causal sex in terms of enjoyment, pleasure, and feeling good about myself. To me they are not equivalent! I would rather have numerous boyfriends with minimal sex rather than numerous sexual experiences with minimal boyfriends. But the latter is being promoted by certain modern women as being equally satisfying. It may be to some, but I don't think that most women want this. By fighting to have causal sex be acceptable for women, women who don't enjoy or want casual sex are made to feel like prudes, like they are missing something, and something is wrong with them. Because of this, after a few dates these women consent to have sex (when they don't really want to) without the man having to make any commitment.

They have been convinced that this is the modern way of doing things and it is okay if you end up with 100 sexual partners in a lifetime. The problem with this is that most men are turned off by women who have so many sexual partners! Each time they have casual sex not only are they putting themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancies and diseases, but they are also making themselves less attractive to men who are actually interested in committing to them and these are the men they actually want! So by caving to the pro casual sex messages these women are reducing their chances of having the relationships they actually want. And it's other women who are exerting the pressure, especially feminists! Of course men do this in private because they want to have sex whenever they want but women, especially feminists, are practically doing media campaigns promoting this! Although SlutWalk was promoted as marching to protect victims to sexual assault from being blamed, to many people it appeared as though they were encouraging the acceptance of the term "slut" and behaviour associated with sluts. Being a slut is being pushed towards being the new normal for women and shows like Sex and the City contributed to this normalization.

Point #1 women have actually contributed to their objectification and being thought of as sexual objects who are open to casual sex by fighting against slut shaming. If being a slut is seen as normal then those who want to be abstinent will be seen as abnormal and passed over for easier sex. If most women give up sex easily then other women will feel pressure to have sex so that they are not passed over. The price of sex is lowered. In the past, sex required a man to pay for dates and be monogamous, now some men don't even pay for one date and they can get sex. I think I read about this on Hooking up Smart. The message of not caving to peer pressure has been replaced with a message that it is okay to have sex with anyone you want, whenever you want and relationships and sex are two different things. It's fine to have sex with multiple partners without having a personal connection or relationship and if you have a problem with this you are repressed and not accepting of you true sexual nature. In fact, there are even women proposing that is it unnatural for people to be monogamous so there is no need for marriage or relationships at all! These are some of the women behind the anti slut shaming rhetoric.

Now playing hard to get and waiting for commitment before sex is seen as unusual, strange, old fashioned, and abnormal among some people. As you can see in the second video, stating that you think the slut lifestyle is undesirable, gross, or dangerous can also be equated with blaming women for rape!!! Seriously! In the first video the woman said that she did not understand why women wanted to sleep with so many partners and that it was possibly dangerous to go home with strangers and in the second video this was interpreted as the woman blaming women for being raped! The story of the rape was horrible and sad but I do not think it is fair to link the two. I also don't agree AT ALL with women being encouraged to trust that no one will ever take advantage of them so they should throw all caution and commonsense to the wind.

Women must do whatever they can to protect themselves. Let me use an example (maybe a poor one that will get me crucified). Suppose you baked a delicious cake for your friends to eat at a public bar. You decide to leave the cake on the bar while you go call your friends. When you come back people have eaten the cake. Yes, people took a cake that was not theirs because they wanted it (not everyone did) and they did not think they would get in trouble for it. You are partially to blame because you trusted people not to eat your cake and you did not take precautions to protect it even though YOU KNOW people will be tempted to eat it. YOU KNOW people will try to eat food left out in a public place but you still DECIDED to leave it unguarded and risk having someone eat it (now if they bashed you over the head and grabbed it out of your hand you would not be to blame because that is not normal behaviour). You are all to blame but it is you who wasted your time making it, will feel taken advantage of, and your friends will all be disappointed while all the thieves are perfectly happy and blaming you for leaving it there. Now you can place your head in the sand and believe that all strangers are honorable and there to protect your interests or you can face reality that they will 98% of the time place their interests above yours. YOU have to protect yourself and your interests and stop expecting strangers to do it for you. A drunk driver is never seen as a victim because something bad happened after they got behind the wheel. When you are intoxicated you are impaired and bad things can happen so don't get intoxicated in situations where bad things can happen.

My Point #2 is, thieves/rapists are WRONG and ENTIRELY RESPONSIBLE for their crimes but you have to protect yourself from these people as best you can. RAPE VICTIMS ARE NOT SLUTS! However, people are suspicious of those who do not make efforts to protect themselves because it doesn't make sense to them that you would be so trusting. So as a result they may not believe you when you say you are a victim. I can't do anything about that other than trying to not be a victim. We all know that there are dangerous people out there and we have to protect ourselves from them because we are the ones who will suffer after they hurt us.

UPDATE: I just had to add this VIDEO. This is what anti slut shaming women think. This is a feminist. These are the women your daughters may be listening to. Do you like what you hear? I find it horrifying! This is a WOMAN telling other woman what she finds acceptable, I'm sure the boys love her. Also, PLEASE watch this VIDEO, it's long but very worth it. It's by a Black woman who thinks exactly the way I do about the issue :)

UPDATE #2: Apparently Jenna and her boyfriend have broken up and now her video is making sense. I'm guessing that he cheated with some promiscuous woman and that was the cause of the breakup. So naturally, after being hurt by "a slut" Jenna made a video about how she doesn't understand similar women. Some people actually guessed that this was what happened because her video was different from the one's she usually makes. It is notable though that many of the women doing videos in support of promiscuity said that sleeping with other women's boyfriends was NOT OKAY and this may be what actually happened. Therefore these women should understand Jenna's anger at a woman who ruined her relationship. On the other hand, maybe due to the breakup Jenna does not like the prospect of being single and having casual sex so she wanted to understand why other women seem to like it.

So now that these vloggers and bloggers know what happened will they have any empathy for Jenna and understand why she did the video? Is a woman allowed to slut-shame the home wrecker who ruined her relationship or does she have to support that woman's right to do whatever feels good?  This is the reason why people don't like sluts, because many of them sleep with taken men and if they were not around fewer men would be able to cheat. Of course the boyfriend is the more guilty one because he was in a relationship but the promiscuous woman was aiding and abetting his crime. Also she not allowed to look at someone else's lifestyle and, due to freedom of speech, say that she doesn't understand it and finds it disgusting and stupid? She has the right to her opinion and there are many sexual things people do that I think are disgusting and I have the right to say it. People are free to think whatever they want, but of course if they say something they may face negative consequences. Jenna has now learned this. But those who promote promiscuity have to deal with the consequences of their actions and what they say too!

EBWs Need People Skills

This post was inspired by an article on The Feminine Black Woman called "Black Girls Please be Nice". The post mentions that being nice is part of having "people skills", but what are people skills? As I have mentioned in recent posts, I'm going to concern myself more with improving myself, getting along with others, and having great relationships rather than complaining about the behaviours, privileges, or possessions of others. I'm going to try to be the most attractive, friendly, kind, feminine, and pleasant woman I can be and try to get/keep as many privileges or benefits from that as possible. Of course being attractive, friendly, kind, feminine, and pleasant will make me feel great anyway but person with these qualities will also get along well with others and be liked and this is a great benefit.


I see nothing wrong with learning how to be liked, how get along with others, and how to be pleasant. Many of these things are taught to children to help them function in the social world. Many of these things are taught to socially anxious or awkward people who have trouble making friends or people with behaviour problems that get them into trouble. These are also things taught to employees and business professionals who's ability to be liked by coworkers and clients is essential for their success. Some people are just naturally likable, popular, and friendly but for whatever reason, others are not and they struggle to be liked. One thing less well liked people can do is learn from well liked people and research about well liked people with the goal of increasing personal qualities and behaviours that contribute to being liked and reducing qualities and behaviours that contribute to being disliked.

I'll use a sprinter as an example. If a young woman wants to become a champion, Gold medal sprinter then she has to learn how to be one! She has to seek training from a coach, learn how much she has to practice, proper technique, form, nutrition, and motivation and then enact everything she has learned. A champion sprinter is not just self-trained with absolutely no knowledge of what other champion or competing sprinters are doing. They also have coaches with years of sprinting knowledge that they pass onto them. This is the way I feel about learning how to be the best friend, coworker, employee, girlfriend, wife, student, woman, and person...one has to learn what it takes, observe the best, and practice until what is learned becomes habit. Being a great person takes skills...people skills!


"People Skills (or Social skills) are most often thought of as a set of skills that allow us to communicate, relate and socialise with others. People skills include both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication. They often are the way others determine our status, consider us as potential friends or mates, and consider us for employment or promotions in the workplace. The opposite of good People skills is social ineptitude, which is an inability to use the defined set of social skills that would make one integrate and get on well with others (source)." There is a short post about people skills on Wikipedia but it does mention that teachings about people skills have been around for centuries and even the Bible can be considered to be an instructional manual for people skills. It also mentions the best-selling self-help book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" that I read a long time ago (see, people really want to learn this stuff and will pay for it!). Just reading the descriptions of the chapters alone sounds like exactly what an EBW needs to be successful. I probably already know a lot of these things, but like many of us, I may have forgotten some advice or I may not be using it as often as I could. So now I need a people skills tutorial refresher course!

I think there is a simple thing that one can remember when trying to get along with others: if you arouse negative feelings in others they will not like you but if you arouse positive feelings they will like you. Simple! Things that arouse negative feelings include bragging, complaining, criticizing, insulting, ignoring, pressuring, offending, burdening, taking for granted, not having good manners, being obnoxious, being embarrassing, being rude, being strange or odd, being difficult, being disruptive, being bossy, being unkempt or unattractive (sorry but true), looking unpleasant and many other things. All one has to do is think about behaviours that one finds unpleasant and try to not do those things. Things that arouse positive feelings in people include paying sincere compliments, flattery, listening to them, making them feel important, trusting them, being accepting and non-judgemental, being friendly, being kind and nice, helping, paying attention to them, inviting and including them, talking to them, saying hi, smiling, using pleasant words, speaking in a pleasant manner, being happy, being positive and optimistic, being fun, being lighthearted, being sincere, caring, being attractive (sorry but true), being popular, being admirable and other things. All one has to do is think about the qualities of people one like and admires to come up with such a list and try to show these qualities whenever possible. 

I think that what BW have to realize is that these negative and positive feelings are natural and often automatic and unconscious to people. This isn't just something that happens to judgemental, racist, sexist, shallow people, it happens automatically to EVERYONE. The feelings can happen in an instant so as soon as someone sees you or you do something the damage (or good effect) is done and your explaining the reasons for your behaviour (e.g., bad day, history of oppression, victim of society etc.) will not un-ring that bell. Life will be much harder for you if people have negative feelings as soon as they see you or as soon as you open your mouth. So if you look unpleasant (e.g., unattractive, mean, hard, unhappy, angry, unkempt, strange--nonverbal communication) and sound unpleasant (harsh, loud, obnoxious, cursing, rude--verbal communication) then you will quickly arouse negative feelings and be disliked. Some people will not bother to get to know you if you arouse negative feelings. If you expect them to look past your negative exterior and behaviour to see the "real you" then you have an enormous sense of entitlement and expect special treatment that probably won't happen. When I hear women say, "If a man really wants me and is a real man then he won't let my 'mean mugging' and harshness deter him" I just shake my head. Why do these women think that they are so attractive that a stranger (who knows nothing of their personality) will overlook the obvious indicators they are unpleasant and still try to be with them? If associating with you is unavoidable then maybe, after getting to know you, you may be liked. In that case you may be told later, "I didn't like you at all when I first met you but now I think you're okay". You don't want to be that person.

Tika Sumpter is saying "I take pride in

my appearance, I'm friendly, happy,

confident,  and I embrace my femininity"

Michelle Obama looking gorgeous!!!

Her nonverbal message is "I'm classy,

upscale, well mannered, modest,

and out of your league boys!"

I think that an issue that some BW have is that they are frequently arousing negative feelings in people and I am not talking about racists. People have a negative reaction to women who are loud, aggressive, rude, obnoxious, confrontational, argumentative, and complaining but some BW embrace these behaviours and expect others to not react. They complain that men are able to do similar things and not be judged as harshly...well I'm sorry but the automatic reaction to men and women exhibiting the same behaviours is different! Your explanation and reasoning after the fact will not un-ring that bell. Many people also experience negative/neutral feelings when they see women who are unnattractive, obese, unkempt, dressed badly, or looking strange. Sorry but that's true and no amount of shaming, explaining why this is unfair, complaining about beauty standards or anything else will change that negative/neutral reaction. I think that a neutral reaction is often likely, for instance, overweight women may be ignored but no negative feelings are experienced when meeting. So if you want to arouse positive feelings instead you need to make sure you are not exhibiting these characteristics.

IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!!! I know, but it's reality and I don't live in fairy tale land or in a future where this isn't the reality, this is the present reality and we need to adapt to it. There is no morality or right and wrong involved with automatic and unconscious reactions. I think that some public service campaigns may be helpful in changing some of the automatic reactions but this takes great effort, time, and exposure to these messages. For instance, all the articles about how unrealistic models and advertising is has had an effect on me so that I am not really affected by seeing thin models, but that took YEARS and avoidance of fashion magazines for YEARS. People are also having less of a negative reaction to dark skin, natural hair, and higher levels or rudeness and vulgarity but that took years of media, immigration, and fashion trends. I think it would be wiser to adapt to the current reality instead of waiting for society to change so that your negative traits become attractive (if that ever happens at all). Attractiveness for instance can be improved and being pleasant physically is a form of non-verbal communication! But of course this is all my opinion, you don't have to change or do anything you don't want to do or adapt to the current reality...it's your choice :) So I'm going to post some links to information about people skills so that we can all learn or get a needed tutorial/refresher. 

Related Articles:

How good are your people skills?: Excellent tutorial!!! MUST READ! Although this refers to the workplace it applies to any time you have to cooperate with others who have different goals and motivations. So this is applicable to romantic relationships and getting along with acquaintances too.
People skills (Great read!!!)
Eight essential people skills, good quote, "Remember that an attitude leads to an emotion, which in turn leads to an action. Shape the attitudes and you have a more reliable way of predicting actions."
10 people skills every government employee should have
What are interpersonal skills? (Good, has links to related lessons)
7 signs you have terrible people skills (I have to work on office politics, networking, and promoting myself)

How do I improve my people skills at work?

Developing people skills video: What I found interesting about this video is that the speaker discusses a time when he wanted to improve his skills to become a better manager but did not think it was possible. But after doing some research he found tips about how to become his best version of a manager and that it required practice. Improving yourself does not mean becoming or pretending to be someone you are not, it is becoming the best version of yourself. Once he improved himself he chose to teach others how to do the same. There is a HUGE field of people who do this...they are called motivational speakers. They teach people how to improve themselves and get what they want instead of blaming others and waiting for them to change or save you.

Emotional intelligence video: You know the more I see videos like this the more confident I am about my self-improvement goals and my values. People who are opposed to self-improvement are so different from me and educators like the man in this video. Critics of self-improvement really don't know what they are talking about and it's best for upwardly mobile people to ignore them.

Emotional intelligence vs. behavioural control Part I, Part2 (very interesting!)

Being Quiet does not Equal Being Weak

I think that some women are deathly afraid of being perceived as weak. This is probably because something bad happened to them in the past that they were not able to prevent. They blame themselves (sometimes unconsciously) for what happened and think that the incident could have been prevented had they been stronger or even more like a man. They see men being loud, aggressive, and hard and think that this will protect them from further victimization. These women reject anything feminine which is often anything soft, delicate, or fragile. They refuse to behave in ways that are not dominant and see being quiet, non-argumentative, and very polite as signs of weakness that could lead them to be victimized. These women feel that putting on a rough exterior will protect them so it is a defense mechanism but if they need it then they should keep it.

But what about women who have not been victimized? Is there a reason for them to put on a rough exterior? Why do they equate softness, being quiet, and non-argumentative with being weak? I can think of so many times when someone was talking way too much, offending people, and really putting their foot in their mouth...this is not an admirable thing. I think that it is more wise to listen to people and try to understand them because then you are in a position to decide if they would be a compatible friend or partner or if you should ever listen to their advice. People who talk a lot reveal themselves while the quiet ones remain a mystery. When you talk too much you reveal too much about yourself, sometimes too quickly so people may be turned off.  When I first meet people I don't share any strong opinions or show much of a reaction to the opinions they share because I am trying to figure out whether we are compatible. I am gathering information before I form an opinion of them and it's very hard to learn if I am too busy talking.

This post once again was inspired by an article on Clutch called, "Damned If We Do: On Black Women Standing Up For Ourselves". First of all, standing up for yourself is NOT the same as getting into debates with people because it amuses you. If you are familiar with teachings about how to make friends and be liked then you know that people like you more if you listen to them instead of constantly talking, especially about yourself. The quiet person who asks questions and shows interest in others may end up being liked more than the person who constantly debates and challenges others, boasts, or talks too much about herself. That person will appear argumentative, imposing, and self-absorbed to others and may end up being disliked. It's interesting that the author mentions times when BW were criticized harshly for being argumentative or less than cheerful but instead of learning from those lessons she voices the usual "well if men do it then it should be acceptable when women do it" defense. Well men who are argumentative, always trying to change people's opinions, and constantly bragging or talking about themselves are just as annoying! I was reading somewhere thought that men may respond well to and like other men who brag and can beat them in arguments (maybe an alpha- beta-male thing) but they don't like it in women. That's just the way it is.

But that doesn't mean that the men's way is the better way! Is it really beneficial to women to share all of their opinions with others? Have we not learned that this can lead to harsh criticism and negative consequences? Share your most controversial opinions with people who you trust who you already sense may agree with you, or at least accepting of your differences. In many cases if you disagree it is best to not argue especially when that person means nothing to you or has some power over you because you could lose a lot over an unnecessary argument. I would like to know the reasons behind the author's comment, "I  love to pick apart other people’s points, state my case, and vigorously argue my point of view, hopefully winning someone over to my side." Why? Well I guess she doesn't have to justify what she enjoys but what she enjoys may be annoying to others. People like this like to change other people, think they are right about most things, and like to put others in their place by showing them they are wrong. They are not easy people to get along with.  A comment on the post really stood out for me. A commenter stated that she was 99% of the time agreeable, well mannered, and polite but when she argued one rare time she was criticized harshly for it by her husband. Someone else commented, "It just goes to show you being a pushover and a “yes sir, whatever you want sir” type of woman does not gain you respect or admiration." Do you see how being polite and quiet is equated with being a pushover and someone not worthy of respect or admiration? I know these were just two comments but a lot of people think this way.

When I think of wise people, I just can't imagine them arguing about almost anything. They feel secure in their opinions so they don't need to prove they are right to anyone. They don't feel the need to listen to other people's arguments either. If you are secure in your views or if you don't care about what someone else wants to argue about then there is no motivation to get into a debate. I used to like debating a bit too until I noticed how much men hated it and got angry. I didn't think it was worth it because we were debating unimportant things (e.g., whether cats make better pets than dogs, whether air shows should be banned because they are dangerous...seriously) and they became angry at me. I also noticed that when I said controversial things they reacted negatively too and I would have been better off not saying anything. You don't have to say every single thing that comes to your mind or everything that you believe! In today's society we seem to want to be an open book but that is more risky than being quiet, modest, and reserved. So actually, I think that if BW want to protect themselves they should reveal less about themselves and their opinions because there will be less things to attack them for. Voicing opinions about important things should be the goal instead of debating for fun or to feel like a winner (maybe join a debating club for that). This also fits with my new stance on not complaining all the time or venting because they are often useless behaviours that have little benefit.

My point here is to just think about the consequences before you express your opinion and ask yourself if you will actually benefit from sharing. Ask yourself if you will benefit from getting into a debate about the issue. Arguing about important decisions with your partner may be necessary but arguing over politics on your first date is not. There were so many comments on the post basically saying "I was taught to never back down", "I speak my mind and no one will silence me", "Men can speak their minds and are respected so I should be able to do that too" and I think this type of thinking is not in one's best interest (whether someone is female or male). Men have to watch what they say too and can get into fist fights over harmless-seeming debates. Yes women are probably judged more harshly and are rewarded for being more quiet but I think being quiet has it's advantages! Also, if you are in an important discussion with a man and he resorts to calling you names or insulting you then realize that he has just lost the argument because he has nothing relevant to say and has resorted to ad hominem attacks. You have hurt his pride because he lost the argument so he is now trying to hurt you. You probably won't end up getting what you wanted anyway because now he is angry so the argument probably wasn't worth it. Women should be listened to and respected but no one respects argumentative people who try to impose their views on others for no reason. This is just my opinion (lol) because, maybe due to my blogging experiences, I don't enjoy debating my opinions or preferences with anyone and I am turned off by those who try to argue with me.