Why Wouldn't You Want to be Feminine?

I just read some good posts at the Not Your Girl Friday blog. Now some of you may think her writing is a bit harsh (there is cursing sometimes) but I find I do agree with a lot of what she says. She has a lot of good posts that fit with my line of thinking. She appears to be very supportive of the idea that Black women would benefit from being more feminine and resisting the feminist pressure to abandon all aspects of femininity and traditional womanhood. So I'm going to link to some of her posts related to femininity for your reading pleasure :)

Embed from Getty Images

If feminism grants choices then why isn't femininity a choice for Black women? (Excellent post!)
Why wouldn't you want to be feminine? (Another great read)
Time for Black women to separate their image
Stop exposing yourself to anti-Black woman propaganda
Smile when you say that: the woman edition
Smile when you say that: the Black woman edition
Black women in fandoms 101: Identification and characterization (interesting, I feel the same way about the characters.
Whatever I am you made me...and when will Black women stop mammying?

Will Looking at Images of Fit Women Help Black Women to Lose Weight?

Cross-posted at Beyond Black & White

What is Fitspiration?
Based on what I have read online, "fitspiration" or "fitspo" is the process of creating, collecting, watching, and reading things that will inspire you to become physically fit. It can include collecting photos of fit women, making and watching videos, collecting and sharing inspirational quotes, and creating inspirational online posters combining images and quotes. I'm talking only about fitspiration not "thinspiration" where girls/women collect and share images and quotes of underweight women to support their eating disorder. This post is NOT about thinspiration or that pro-ana stuff, fat acceptance, or feminism. It's about inspiring yourself to become really fit using motivational images.

So I have decided (once again) that I want to become one of those really fit people and lose 20-30 pounds to look my best and be healthy (Whatever the reason you have for eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly, the results are still going to be the same...better health and better looks. So no need to fuss about why you want to do it, just do it!). So, along with calisthenics, I plan to do 10,000 steps on the treadmill daily while I watch something on the computer. But I wanted to watch something inspiring instead of just TV shows and movies.

So I thought it might be helpful to look at fitspiration videos! I collected a bunch of them on YouTube...actually I collected over 170 that adds up to 8 hours of video! I started exercising and watching the videos and noticed there were very few Black women in them. So I searched for some with Black women and only came up with a handful. This is not a complaint post and I am just as motivated looking at non-Black women. It motivates me because by eating right and exercising I will be a fit, slimmer version of myself, able to run better and dance better, and I will healthier. I will be a part of the same lifestyle even though I don't look exactly like them. I don't get fixated on seeing someone looking exactly like me or "trying to be someone else", I'm more motivated by the control, dedication, attitude, and proof that a healthy lifestyle is possible and beneficial.

Would Black Women Benefit from More Fitspiration?
I'm wondering if BW seeing more fitspiration would inspire them to become healthier and fitness-minded? Maybe because a lot of the BW we see around us and in the media are overweight, or just not involved in fitness, maybe that makes us think it's not a lifestyle for us (i.e., fitness is for White people). Maybe if there were more of us in Nike commercials that would actually make a difference (I'm just not into looking like Serena). Maybe if we were in more of the fitness and healthy eating commercials and magazines then we would think that lifestyle was for us. No, I'm not using this to start a petition of athletic/fitness/health product companies, I am using it to understand why BW may not think about diets, healthy eating, and becoming gym rats the way White women do. If it's due to lack of media images then I'll have to collect those images myself and expose myself to them! I'll have to frequent fitness websites and videos regardless of race and have this lifestyle etched into my consciousness so that I want to achieve it all day every day.

I accept that 99% of the young women who make fitspo videos are White so they choose other White women for their videos so that doesn't bother me and I won'r complain to them. Could it also be the case that they couldn't find many images of fit Black models (e.g., bikini models, fitness models, dancers etc.)? The collected images are from magazines and advertisements posted online, or even photos fit women take of themselves so maybe there are just not many images of fit Black women available? My first instinct was to search Google images, Tumblr, and Pinterest to find images and make my own videos. But I changed my mind because there are a lot of things I want to do so I'll leave it up to someone else for now..hint hint! Below are two examples of Black fitspo videos and I prefer the first one. Here are two examples of  White Fitspo videos:  video1 and video2. I didn't make any of these videos and they have some images I don't like too, but they are good enough :)


By a man who likes fit Black women!




I wasn't inspired by this video. This might be by a man too!

There were a few videos of fit Black women, but when I compared the Black videos to the White videos there were some differences that made them less motivating to me and possibly a turn off to some women:

1) The Black videos featured a lot of body builders who were way to muscular and this would turn off any woman who doesn't want to look like that. On the other hand most of the the White videos had some fitness models (slimmer with less muscles) or women who looked like models and dancers.
2) The Black videos  featured a lot of athletes especially track stars during competitions so they were not made up, with their hair done, posing to look perfect, or perhaps Photoshopped. So a physically attractive BW with some extra pounds might actually think she looks better than the fitspiration women. The White videos had more professional models looking their best, in the most flattering poses, and probably Photoshopped to make them look even more perfect. They had attractive bodies AND faces unlike in the Black videos.
3) The most motivating and attractive Black women were actually featured in videos made by MEN for MEN and not labeled fitspiration! I could tell that the White thinspiration videos were made by women. The male influence may bother some women (it doesn't bother me though).
4) On the positive side, many of the White videos had women who were very underweight and celebrities who have reported having eating disorders so I don't want to watch those videos. Fortunately I didn't see any such women in the Black videos so that's a good thing.

For the Fitspiration Critics
I don't know if fitspiration is right or wrong, but it exists and I think it will help me. Some people don't like fitspiration (e.g., those who only support "self-motivation" with no looking at other people for inspiration to do anything, and those against trying to improve your physical appearance for any reason. For example article1 and article2...objectification blah blah blah). Others think it's obsessive and are fearful that if they start dieting, eating healthy, or working out that they will become addicted and end up with anorexia or doing crazy things to get thin. Others feel bad about themselves when they see fitspo because they think it is impossible to achieve and don't see the value of even trying. So if you are fragile, have a history of eating disorder, know you have the tendency to go overboard and do crazy things, and if fitspo makes you hate yourself then it's definitely not right for you. But for those of us who know they will never try to starve themselves, don't want to look like waifs, and trust themselves to not go overboard, then fitspiration may be a helpful tool to help you achieve your fitness goals. It doesn't make me feel bad because I know I can do it and I have in the past so it's attainable. I don't think "fitspiration is something only White girls do and they all have eating disorders". I think to myself, 'A lot of White girls and other people seem to be able to keep their weight down and are into healthy eating and fitness. They seem to be getting benefits for their actions so maybe I should get some of those benefits for myself! If it works for them maybe it will work for me and if they can do it, then I can do it because they are not better than me.'

Some BW will insist that BW are genetically predisposed to be fat, being thin is Eurocentric so Black women shouldn't bother with it, and you can be fit and fat etc. I don't listen to that stuff because it will sabotage my goals of being super fit and hot! I'm just going to believe that we're overweight because we are too sedentary, eating too much convenient but unhealthy and calorie dense processed food, and eating restaurant food too often (if it was just genes then BW in the 60s, 70s, and 80s would have the same weight problems we have today). Cut all of those things out and the weight will come off. I choose to believe that and work to get in shape rather than complaining, thinking I'm supposed to be overweight, or not doing anything.

P.S. Not sure how this one will fly. This is one woman's opinion. Please don't fear that this one post will suddenly make all Black girls anorexic and permanently self-loathing. Remember if you read fitness magazines, do exercise DVDs, or see commercials then you are being exposed to fitspo so I didn't really introduce you to something new. The post was about looking at photos of fit women that other people have posted online. If you don't want to look at them you don't have to. If you don't want to get fit you don't have to.

Online Weight Lost Tools, Fitspiration Sites, and Related Articles
My Fitspiration Playlist (I haven't watched all the videos so save the playlist to your own account and edit out the ones that you don't like and those that have unhealthy images).
Zuzana Light (formerly on BodyRock TV, she motivates me like crazy)
Sparkpeople.com (free fitness and meal tracking with many features, cell phone app available)
http://blacknfit.tumblr.com/ (not bad but it included men)
Black women do work out 
Fit is the new black
http://fitspiration.tumblr.com/
http://pinterest.com/theniceblog/fitspiration/
http://pinterest.com/jbeard1/fitspiration/
Google images for Black women fitspo
The miseducation of fitspo: Why these sites can help you meet your goals

Showing too Much Cleavage

I went on a great first date last week. It was great except that I wore an outfit that showed too much cleavage. It didn't look like too much when I looked at myself in the mirror, but by the time I got to our meeting place, my top had migrated downwards and my bosom was bulging to the delight of my date. We joked about it but I would have preferred to make a different first impression. I had worn a cardigan with a camisole underneath to cover my bust. Unfortunately, the camisole just didn't stay up.

Some of you may have experienced a similar problem. Due to the size of my chest I just have to accept the reality...I have to wear large or extra large tops to accommodate it. Most men think about sex and like to look at attractive women, but they do this more when you are bulging out of your top (or when you are wearing very short or skimpy clothes). That is not the look that I am going for.

Some of you may say this isn't a problem, show your cleavage, don't hide it, it's men's problem if they stare, and you don't care if other people don't like it. Well that's not a battle I want to fight and it makes me uncomfortable to be so exposed. Sometimes I want to get that attention, but it's annoying when I want to cover up by my clothes just won't let me! If you don't want a men starring at your chest all night or only seeing you as a sex object then this problem has to be solved. So here are some ideas I have used and will use soon to make sure that I don't show too much cleavage anymore:

1) Buy tops that don't reveal your cleavage: I bought some yesterday. Unfortunately I have a large chest and large arms so many of the cute tops just didn't look right (elbow length sleeves are best for me. I think I just need to lose the weight and then the arm problem will go away). Even if a collar looks good on the hanger, I have to try it on because they often end up stretching lower than I would have imagined. Trying things on is a must! If you are a thrifter and a sewer then you can buy tops with higher collars and then cut  and hem them so that they are the perfect size for you.

2) Add lace to the bust areas of revealing tops: This is the next thing I plan to do. I will buy small pieces of lace in black, white, and the colours of tank tops and other tops I already have. I will cut the pieces to the appropriate sizes and then sew them into the tops. That way I don't have to go searching for new tops and I like the feminine touch of lace anyway.

3) Add fasteners to gaps between button holes: I had so many cardigans that I wasn't wearing because there were large gaps between the buttons that revealed bare skin underneath. So I bought some clasps (they were inexpensive) and sewed them on every cardigan that needed them. This took quite a while but it was worth it! You can use metal fasteners, plastic clasps, hook and eye fasteners, or velcro if you want.

4) Wear camisoles: Remember how your mom would make you wear cute little undershirts under your clothes? They came in packs (e.g., Fruit of the Loom). Unfortunately they don't sell them like that for women so you will have to buy separate camisoles. Camisoles are good but sometimes they do slip down and reveal too much because they are stretchy. I think that I have to permanently shorten the straps on some of mine so that they stay up. You can also wear tank tops. I think that camisoles would be easy to make from t-shirts, clothes you don't wear, and some elastic, with some lace at the top if you like.

This blogger loves camisoles and states that you can wear many more tops, even revealing ones, if you just wear a camisole underneath (she has some good fashion advice to make the best out of your wardrobe). I don't recommend Cami Secret because they really aren't wide enough for someone with a wide chest and the bottom part doesn't stay in place. It seems to only work for v-necks (maybe I just need to sew a better version). The Essential Cami looks a bit better (hopefully it can be worn higher because even that shows too much cleavage for work in my opinion. I would totally sew that myself). There are camisole bras available but I would prefer something removable and changeable.

5) Sew up collars and revealing openings: You can also always hand stitch the openings of certain tops (e.g., v-neck tops) so that they are not as low. If a top can be pulled over your head then you can permanently stitch the spaces between buttons closed.

The most important thing is that you are comfortable and that you look the way you want in the clothes you bought with your hard earned money. If there are items in your wardrobe you aren't wearing because they show too much cleavage then hopefully this helps :)

Desensitized to Suffering or Just to Your Complaints?

Okay, this post was written out of frustration/boredom related to a Beyond Black & White post called Reciprocity: What does it mean to you. I must say that I haven't had many ideas about what to write lately and I'm losing some interest in blogging because there are other things I want to do (e.g., sewing, I need to exercise more, the weather is getting better and I want to get out and do things. I know that sometimes I complain about things but I have made a concerted effort for months to reduce how much I complain and vent online and offline (I wrote about this previously HERE and HERE). I chose to do that because I know that complaining is unpleasant and useless if I don't plan on doing anything about the problem. I would rather spend time doing something more pleasant with my friends. It's actually helped me to feel happier and more mellow about things. 

It's fine discussing something for the sake of making conversation, but if the issue is emotional or controversial I just don't bother doing it much because it doesn't benefit anyone. The problem online is that sometimes an interesting conversation for me can upset others when that was not my intention whatsoever. So once I realize someone is upset online I leave that person alone because it wasn't serious to me and I didn't realize the other person was taking the online discussion so seriously. I know that I am not perfect and some of my posts may come off as frustrated venting, but really, I haven't vented online in a long time and I haven't been upset while writing one of my posts in a long time. I write because I enjoy it or I'm bored not because I'm an activist, expect to change the world, or that what I write actually matters. It's not that serious...

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I'm still reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (I think I read one chapter per month lol so I've been reading it for a long time). The book mentions something that I learned about previously regarding ways men tend to communicate when compared to women. Basically the book states that men tend to make complaints to others for the purpose of getting advice about how to ACT on the problem or SOLVE the problem. In contrast, women often make complaints just so that they can VENT and have someone listen to them while being supportive and showing empathy without the expectation that they or their audience do anything about the problem. Although both genders can use both forms of communication, men are more likely to make a complaint for the purpose to getting advice or prompting someone to act on the complaint. If they don't need help or want something done then they don't bring the problem up. You have probably heard this before.

I think that when it comes to reading blogs I think like a man! Men often become frustrated with women when they complain to them about something (especially when it's the same thing over and over) but they refuse to take their advice about how to solve the problem. Or when the women keep getting upset over something they have no control over and expect that the man gets upset too, pay attention to the complaint (that they may have heard dozens of times before), and endure the intense emotional venting. If they become bored with the complaint and the venting they are accused of "not caring" about the woman or whatever issue she is complaining about. A man in such a situation may ask himself,

"Why in the world is this woman complaining and getting upset over and over again about the same darn problem? Didn't she learn the last dozen times that she can't change the situation, so why is she still focusing on it? Why doesn't she take any of my advice about how to deal with the problem so that we don't have to go through this anymore? Why does she ruin her day by getting upset and insist that I ruin my day by listening to her and getting upset too? Does she enjoy getting upset and does it make her feel like she is a good person or something? What does she get out of this draining and depressing behaviour and why does she need me to feel drained and depressed with her? I wish she would just do something about the problem or just stop wasting both of our time getting upset and worrying about it!"

When I hear certain complaints over and over sometimes I just want to yell, "Do something about it or stop complaining because I have better things to do! This is useless and doesn't benefit anyone! Don't drag me into your masochistic pit of despair!" I mean since you care about the person you listen the first few times and are very concerned. You want to help and stop the suffering. But after a while you wise up and realize, 'Oh, she just likes to complain and vent about things sometimes. There is no need for me to get worked up because in a few minutes she will get over it and move on. She's like Jerry Seinfeld complaining about things to pass the time but she's not really that upset or else she would be working to solve the problem.' I mean seriously, it's like someone getting a flat tire and complaining day after day about it and don't want you to fix it...fix the darn tire already or shut up!

Over the years I have heard women and people in general complain about certain things online and in the media so often that I'm desensitized to their complaints and don't get concerned anymore. It's just the usual venting about the frustrations of life that they do to pass the time, the situation won't change any time soon, and they don't really want to work on the problem anyway. Sometimes I engage in those conversations just to pass the time but I don't get upset anymore because what's the point, it's online not my real life. In many cases these are first world problems (link2; i.e., problems that those with serious problems don't worry about because they are busy trying to survive. Yes I know I write about first world problems most of the time...and I don't take it seriously either. If your complaint has anything to do with celebrities or entertainment those are first world problems but I get that you are using to demonstrate a larger social problem. Many people will still dismiss it as trivial though). What are some examples of complaints that I don't feel like listening to anymore?

• Complaints about celebrities, television, or music. I know that people (including myself) sometimes use celebrities, TV, and music as examples of more important social problems or a symptom of social problems. But if the issue is that a celebrity said something, there are not enough Black people on TV, or a song says something objectionable I just don't feel like listening anymore. Write about the social issue and it's complex contributing factors instead of complaining about a particular celebrity. Better yet, stop paying attention to gossip blogs and entertainment. I will just listen to commentary about good shows, music, and role models.
• Complaints about being fat. Do something about it or accept that you are fat and stop complaining about it. When someone gives you advice that what you are doing is keeping you fat, take their advice or never complain to them again. You have a brain, you decide what is too much, don't rely on me to tell you what is too much and what is unhealthy. I will just listen to commentary about how to lose weight and stay fit.
• Complaints about certain people not finding you attractive. Make yourself more attractive, only focus on the things about you that are attractive, or only pay attention to the people who do find you attractive. When someone tells you something about you is not attractive and how you can improve, take their advice or never complain to them again. Accept that men and most people prefer attractive women. I am so tired of the complaining that I really don't care anymore what you do to make yourself look attractive, do whatever you think is appropriate. You have a brain, you decide what is too much, don't rely on me to tell you what is too much and what is unhealthy. I will just listen to commentary about how to be attractive and people who find Black women attractive.
• Complaints about non-Black people not including or preferring Black people. Accept that all people prefer their own, stop expecting to be included or being surprised when you are not, and create your own resources and groups that will include and prefer Black people. I will just listen to commentary about Black people who have been included.
• Complaints that some people are racists or say insensitive or mean things to Black people. Report it if you have to but accept that everyone won't like you for whatever reason and race is just one of those reasons. Accept that people are mean to other people for many reasons and racists are just mean people who don't warrant your attention. Accept that non-Black people's lives don't revolve around finding out what offends you and reading manuals about how to act around you so you might get offended. Think about all the times when you have been mean and stop giving mean people so much power over you. 

Now, if something is incredibly horrible, unusual, or effects someone I KNOW PERSONALLY then yes, I may get upset and I will listen. If I know the horrible details and someone is right in front of me upset about something that happened to them PERSONALLY then I will be concerned and empathetic. But I will no longer be concerned when someone online is upset about something that DID NOT EVEN HAPPEN TO THEM and that they have no intention of doing anything about the situation. I don't have time for that and I don't need that in my life. This is entertainment and I don't spend time on entertainment that makes me feel bad anymore. I would rather focus on the people around me and on things that I can actually do something about or things that make my life better. In my opinion, taking on negativity to make internet strangers feel better is being a mammy and a mule by sacrificing my time and emotional well being so that a stranger feels cared for. That's a sacrifice for your family and friends not for a stranger on the internet. 

I'll end with some questions I was wondering when I read the original post: Why do you need me/internet people to listen to your complaint or get upset about it? Why do you need me/internet people to care and how does my/our caring help you? Will your problem go away if everyone in the world cares yet can not or will not do anything to help? Do you think you are better/more human/more well adjusted than others because you pause to think and talk about negative world events?

Hypergamy and Black Women Marrying Up

Cross posted at Beyond Black and White...

I think my blog  is all about hypergamy and becoming a high quality woman, because it feels great to be one and because it makes you attractive to high quality men. I think that a lot of Beyond Black & White and BWE articles are about hypergamy too. So what it hypergamy?

Hypergamy (colloquially referred to as "marrying up") is the act or practice of marrying a spouse of higher caste or status than oneself.[1]...The term is often used more specifically in reference to a perceived tendency among human cultures for females to seek or be encouraged to pursue male suitors that are higher status than themselves, which often manifests itself as being attracted to men who are comparatively older, wealthier or otherwise more privileged than themselves or their current partners.[2] According to evolutionary psychologists, females have evolved a preference for higher status males because they offer their prospective children both "better" genes and greater resources, e.g. food and security. Men, who invest less in their children, have less reason to prefer mates with high social status. Some have even argued that males "marry-down" to ensure that their mates have a higher incentive to remain faithful. (source)

With non-Black women, hypergamy has to do only with wealth, class, privilege. Unfortunately, Black people and Black women have been devalued so much throughout recent history that we have more reason than most non-White women to marry up. Some Black women come from extremely poor and lower class backgrounds and marrying up would help them to leave that poverty. Due to us being Black, some people automatically place us below non-Black women so marrying up would place us at the same level or even above many non-Black women. Because some people devalue Black women they expect us to be satisfied with sub-par men who treat us way worse than they treat non-Black women. Some will even say we are only good enough for Black men so we should not date interracially. We are expected to accept this because supposedly don't deserve any better.

Well people who devalue Black women can go jump off a bridge because I won't let them tell me I deserve less than non-Black women! I'm not going to "settle" for less if non-Black women don't have to. I'm fully behind hypergamy or just marrying someone on your level. Personally for me, I'm not expecting someone to make more money than me, but I'm expecting someone better than what the mainstream or certain Black people expect for Black women. I expect a man who is attractive to me, has good character, has an education, a good career, no criminal record, no band of baby mamas, and a wedding ring for me before I have his children. I will not listen to outsiders who try to convince me and other Black women that we don't deserve those things and we should settle for less.

On my blog I have written about ways that I have tried to improve myself because if you want to marry up then you have to be a high quality woman (I also wanted to improve myself because I just wanted to be the best I could be). To me that doesn't mean a rich or upper class woman, it's about being well-rounded, having useful skills, being attractive, having good manners, and having good character--being the ideal and highly desirable woman. I felt that I needed to improve in some areas so I did it. I think that many women can improve their qualities so that they can marry up too. Some men support hypergamy and some do not. Men who are of high quality and status often condone female hypergamy because they are able to attract the best women, so it benefits them. They seek out high paying careers, work out, dress well, and drive expensive cars because it makes them attractive to women and makes them look better than other men. Because these men are highly valued then they are able to date and marry highly valued women.

On the other hand, men who are of lower quality are opposed to female hypergamy. They will try to convince women to put aside their desire for someone attractive, without a criminal record, with and education and career, without baby mamas, and the possibility of a marriage proposal. They want you to lower your standards and marry down. What's interesting is that these men fully support male hypergamy--dating and marrying women who are way out of their league! These men have little to offer but they go after highly attractive and successful women and feel they deserve these women because they are supposedly "nice guys". Many of these men are jaded because they have been passed over by high quality women due to their below average looks, character, communication skills, wealth, career, and other factors. Many of these men have joined groups to rant about how evil women are or groups focused on learning skills/tricks to get women to think they are of higher quality. This is where the Pick Up Artists (PUAs) come in.

PUAs are men who read and learn tips/tricks from other skilled PUAs about how to pick up women. The PUA masters use their tricks to get many women to sleep with them with no intention of having relationships. Many act as though they want a relationship just to get women into bed. I LOATHE these men and they can be downright misogynists! Their goal is to sleep with attractive women who would never sleep with them if it was not for their game personas and tricks. However, there are also socially awkward or less desirable men who use PUA lessons to make themselves appear more confident, funny, and attractive to women. To me that doesn't sound bad, in fact it sounds a lot like what I write about on my blog and many articles/books about what women can do to become more attractive (everything you have ever read/heard about how to attract/please/keep a man is pretty much female game theory. It teaches you what to do to get/keep a guy by doing things that you would not normally do). These men are trying to improve themselves so that they can get better women so I don't have a problem with that. In real life I have been approached by 4 PUAs. They knew just what to say and they didn't try to get me to sleep with them (2 did get my phone number. The first one told me all about PUAs. I figured out the second one was a PUA the next day. It turned out he was an expert and trained the next 2 guys who approached me!!!) . They were just charming and friendly and we had great conversations. The less experienced PUAs were awkward and shy. I was not attracted to them but they did not seem like bad guys.

So no, I would not look down on a guy who has read PUA material, it would just depend on what his attitude was towards women and what he was looking for. If he thinks women owe him sex and that we are all evil then obviously I want to avoid those guys like the plague. But if the guy thinks he is lacking in the looks and personality department and uses PUA tips/trick to appear more appealing, then that's fine with me (I would be a hypocrite if I looked down on that). I think that it's fine if women and men try to marry up as long as you are not creating an entirely false identity or lying just to get someone in bed or to the wedding chapel. Self-improvement is a great thing but use it for good not evil :)

Related Articles and Websites:

The hypergamy acceptance movement

Equality and the end of marrying up

Research reveals why today's women are marrying down

Marrying up is on it's way down

MPUA Pick up artist forum

PUA forums

What's wrong with PUA (a woman's opinion)

What Kind of People Thrift Shop?

I think that Black women should really look into becoming thrifters. I aim this at Black women because I hear the statistics about how they don't have enough savings and thrifting is a great way to save money yet still get all the clothing and items you want and need. You can look very fashionable and people can't tell that you thrift shop if you don't want them too. You can keep it a secret and just have people believe that you can afford to buy everything full price ; ) So if you need to save money because you are underemployed, a student, or just want to save money, then thrifting is definitely for you. It's a great way to start off your feminine wardrobe or get professional wardrobe for job hunting or your new career.

Have you ever noticed that when you go to the mall the clothing items are very similar? That's because stores follow fashion trends so different stores will carry very similar items. Also, they will only carry items from the current fashion season which is again being trendy. On the other hand, at thrift stores you can often find things that are actually on trend because fashion trends come and go and old fashion trends come back. So why spend $80 on a pair of skinny jeans made last month when you can spend $5 on a retro pair (well if you like skinny jeans). Instead of just buying what's available and trendy at the moment and using that to determine your style, at a thrift store you can choose from at least 30 years of fashion. If you shop vintage of course you can shop and create a style from several decades of fashion. With more options you have the ability to create a unique style and look different from everyone you know.

You can also alter thrift store clothes and not worry too much about ruining the items. I finally got a sewing machine so I can alter the things I buy to fit me perfectly and I can also transform clothing items into totally new pieces! My first two projects were turning a t-shirt into a pencil skirt and making a loose skirt into a pencil skirt and they look great! So this will make thrift shopping a totally new experience because I can buy items just for the fabric (it's really expensive to buy from fabric stores), buttons, zippers, straps, and whatever I need to make my own projects. I have to goal of making every item in my wardrobe wearable. So large items will be resized, small items will be given away or somehow made into larger items, or I will take parts of the small items (e.g., buttons, zippers etc.) and use them to make new items. I barely shop in retail stores anymore so I could make it a goal to not buy any new (i.e., non-thrifted) clothing items for a year (well except for underwear of course).

I have quite a few projects already lined up: 1) add snaps in between cardigan buttons so that they close without leaving unflattering gaps (instead of cursing the size of my chest lol); 2) turning full skirts into pencil skirts; 3) turning dresses into skirts or even peplum tops; 4) turning mens suits into skirts, dresses or dress suits; 5) revamping old dress suits into more modern styles; 6) turning knit shirts and t-shirts into pencil skirts in many colours...and the list goes on.

So, some of you might be wary of thrift shopping so I wanted to show you some videos of some people who thrift shop. You might be surprised! They look very fashionable and well put together with great individual styles. Many of the vloggers below have multiple thrifting videos that you can watch. Notice all the name brands, store labels, and designer labels they mention. Also remember you can get great household items and fashion accessories from thrift shops too. Shopping vintage and buying antiques is no different from thrifting...you are buying previously owned and used items. Also, all those celebrities you look to for fashion ideas, a lot of them have stylists who choose their clothes and styles, they often get clothes for free, and they can afford expensive items while you can't. You have to live within your reality instead of trying to live the celebrity lifestyle you can't afford. Instead of spending money on clothes, spend it on your education, health, property, savings, and investments because those things are way more important :)

Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most

Cross posted at Beyond Black & White

Let's see how this one goes over...

Here is a definition of prejudice from an online dictionary:

A (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.  B : an instance of such judgment or opinion. C : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics. (emphasis added)

I think that some Black people can be very prejudiced. I thought that I would highlight the word hostility in that definition because I believe that this hostility is seriously harmful to Black people. I'll go out on a limb and state that people don't like hostile people. When someone acts or looks hostile that spells 'danger' to most people and they want to avoid hostile people. Here is a definition for hostile:

A : of or relating to an enemy <hostile fire>. B : marked by malevolence : having or showing unfriendly feelings <a hostile act>. C : openly opposed or resisting <a hostile critic> <hostile to new ideas>. D (1) : not hospitable <plants growing in a hostile environment> (2) : having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature <a hostile workplace>.

That doesn't sound good does it? You wouldn't want to be friends with someone who appears hostile. In fact you might not want to approach someone who even has a reputation for being hostile. This would not be the type of person you would want to strike up a conversation with, ask for directions, or hire for a job. No one likes hostile sales people or waiters. No one likes hostile teachers or bosses. No one likes to be around someone who is openly unfriendly, opposed, intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive. So, if this is the case then why in the world do some Black people act so hostile? Isn't it in their best interest to not appear hostile so that they can get along in society without being treated like a threatening enemy?

Now I know some people will immediately launch into the usual excuses. For example, "It dates back to slavery. Black people should be angry and hostile because of all the racist things that happened back then and even today". Or, "It's a defense mechanism because many of us live in hostile environments and this keeps others from bothering us". Or, "We aren't hostile, ever since slavery White people have thought of us as hostile and nothing we can do will change that". Or even, "What do you suggest, we should start shuckin' and jivin' so we don't upset the White folks"?  The most common one I hear is, "Well people are hostile to me so I'll be hostile right back. I won't let people walk all over me and do nothing". Well in the words of Dr. Phil, I have to ask, "How's that working for you?" (see I don't even like Dr. Phil but I still learned something from him).

I remember a time a few years ago when I was pretty hostile towards White people. I was reading a lot of African American history and I was really angry. I stopped listening to White music, stopped watching White shows, and I was always talking about racism and injustice. I was also being hostile towards White people and everyone I worked with and went to school with was White! So, what ended up happening? Well other students and coworkers developed stronger friendships. When I needed help with things I usually didn't ask because I feared I would be rejected. I didn't hear about important opportunities because I wasn't hanging out with the other students/coworkers. People thought I was aloof and didn't care. I was the angry Black woman always talking about racism, activism, how she didn't fit in, and how she was different. Surprised??? Fortunately I came to my senses and realized I was angry about things that had not happened to me personally and I was taking it out on people who had done nothing to harm me. I was being hostile to people who I needed and I was lonely because I saw the people around me as enemies instead of allies. Thank goodness I wasn't too horrible and this behavior did not harm my career! I think that things would have been much better though if I had had people looking out for me and if I had their support along the way. The hostility I had did nothing but keep me in a negative mood, keep me from making friends and having fun, and keep me from making important career connections. It was not beneficial to me AT ALL. It wasn't working for me so I stopped. I hope you can stop too.

The actual reason why I wrote this post is because the hostility I see in Black women towards non-Black women is really making us look bad! It comes off as jealousy, petty bitterness, or just meanness and unnecessary hostility. For example, a post was done about lessons we can learn from Elin Nordegren (Tiger Wood's ex). The post said she was a European beauty and made a point to show a beautiful Black woman as well. But one comment stood out to me. The gist of the comment was, "She's not all that, she just looks like a plain White woman" (it reminds me of this previous post). I just wonder why do some women/people feel the need to be negative and hostile like that. Why bother to say that at all? It just sounds like you feel obligated to bring the other person down. I've noticed this a lot and it bothers me. When someone says something positive about a non-Black person, some Black people just go out of their way to say something negative and dismissive.

Unfortunately, this inter-racial hostility is even applied intra-racially. For instance, people love to comment on how bad it is to be dark-skin shamed or fat-shamed but being prejudiced and hostile towards light-skinned and skinny women is condoned. One of the excuses is that light-skinned women get White privilege because their skin color is closer to White. The hostility I see towards light-skinned women is just horrible! The same thing goes for skinny women, they are ridiculed for having a body shape that is attractive according to Eurocentric standards (or Hollywood standards). Don't even get me started with the strange phenomenon of Black people complaining that every highly attractive Black woman has "White features" and doesn't represent "real Black beauty", so Black people should reject her (e.g., Beyonce). It's as though because light-skinned, allegedly Eurocentric looking, and skinny women are lauded in the mainstream media and by White people then it's the duty of Black people to be hostile towards them to even things out! In my opinion, the hostility doesn't even things out at all, it just makes the hostile people look even worse because they are picking on people who are well liked. It totally backfires.

Let me put it this way, think back to childhood about the most beautiful and popular girl at school. Now was it better for your status to be a friend to that girl or her enemy? Was it beneficial to be mean to that girl or would it backfire when people came to her defense and rejected you for hurting their darling? No, it was always better to be in her friend, learn her methods for getting people to like her, and to be in her circle of the best people at school and benefit from the association. By just associating with or enhancing your similarities with the most popular, attractive, influential people you become that by association. By being hostile to those people you just make yourself look bad and ruin any chance that they will help you to achieve your desired status or goals. Black people do accept some non-Black people who they think are "down" and have earned their "Black card". Well they earned that by being open and accepting of Black people. How do you expect non-Black people to be open and accepting of you if you are so consistently hostile towards them?

So the point I am trying to make is that it's not in Black women's (or Black men's) benefit to be seen as hostile, difficult, angry, or mean. We won't be seen as the "nice girls" (or guys). We will seem like bullies that no one wants to support, help, or protect.  Instead, we should be open to learning from other people, regardless or race, if they have achieved what we desire. We might actually have common interests and that is the basis of many friendships. Instead of automatically acting hostile and rejecting non-Black people we have to be more open to learning and making useful relationships. These people can help you to improve your life (even by just observing them). Now this doesn't mean you have to put all of your trust into them, tell them all your secrets, worship them, let them mistreat you, or be their mammy! I'm not saying  let these women be mean to you and just grin and bear it so you don't end up on their bad side. I'm ONLY saying, don't be prejudiced and hostile to people just because they aren't Black. I'm also saying don't be prejudiced and hostile to Black or biracial people just because they don't look "as Black" as you think they should. Your life will probably take a turn for the better if you are more open to new experiences and new people!

Warning: Just as a Black person can end up being a bad influence, jealous, a backstabber, a frenemy, or someone who betrays your trust and hurts you, the same thing can happen with relationships with non-Black people. Relationships are relationships. Some people will like you and want to be your friend while others will not. There are some people you shouldn't try to be friends with so use your common sense and judgement about that. Black friends can get on your nerves, be insensitive, and hurt your feelings too. Just as you could have a long, positive, and life-changing relationship with at Black person, the same could happen with a non-Black person. Inter-racial friendships/acquaintances may be no better or worse than inter-racial friendships/relationships, just try to get as many of them as you need, want, or can handle. Considering that this blog is supportive of interracial romantic relationships, if you date interracially you will obviously come in contact with non-Black people. If you are hostile and prejudiced towards them then your dating relationships might not last and you will never fit in with your partner's family and friends.

DIY and Inexpensive Ways to Feminize Your Wardrobe

We all have unique fashion styles, preferences, and shopping habits. This post is for women who want easy and inexpensive ways to makeover their clothing items or outfits so that they are more feminine or interesting. Some will buy a plain t-shirt and wear it as is. Others won't even buy that t-shirt or they will add flowers, lace, bows, or a print to the shirt because it is just too plain or not feminine enough for them. They feel that plain clothes are not flattering or interesting or they look too much like men's clothes (my rule is if a man could wear something similar then it's not for me). In the same way that some women feel that a bare face is too plain and they want makeup, some women think plain and unfitted clothes are boring and their clothes need some "makeup" too.

I personally LOVE Do it Yourself (DIY) fashion, refashioning, or upcycling but of course some people are totally opposed to it, only want new things, will only wear something someone else has made, and only want the "real thing". That's fine, but this post might not be useful for you. Maybe open your mind and try something new, especially if you are struggling financially. If you want to stretch your dollar, buy items that can be worn in many different ways and are appropriate for different situations (e.g., buy clothes that are appropriate for work but can be made casual). Consult fashion blogs about how to make many different outfits from the same items (e.g., 7 basic pieces 14 different looks). Below are some things you can do to improve your wardrobe and bring out your inner feminine fashionista on a budget (well these things will cost more time rather than money... it can become a time consuming but useful and fun hobby).

New Ways to Improve Your Wardrobe

1) Buy a sewing machine and start sewing: Altering your own clothes will help you to look better, save you money from tailors, and allow you to wear more of the clothes you already have. It can also help you to look great in thrifted items even if they are outdated or ill-fitting. You can refashion your old clothes/thrifted clothes into entirely new items and join the green upcycling movement. Lastly, if you make your own clothes sometimes then you can always get exactly what you want instead of spending a lot of time and money to find something someone else made.

I am planning to buy a sewing machine next week. I will start off practicing with scrap fabric and then start making alterations to the clothes I already have. I have already watched many sewing tutorials on YouTube so I'm ready (e.g., sewing materials tutorial). Later on I will start making over thrift store items and eventually refashioning clothing into entirely new items (e.g., turn a t-shirt into a pencil skirt, use t-shirts to make banded skirt, make a lace tank top). When I feel confident I will use sewing patterns (e.g., from Vogue, Butterick, McCall's, Burdastyle etc.) to make items from scratch but that can be expensive so I will have to limit how often I do that. PDF sewing patterns can be downloaded, printed, and used instantly so I'm excited!

2) Thrifting: Buying clothes from a thrift store is an easy and inexpensive way to add feminine items to your wardrobe. You can save so much money that you may lose all interest in buying retail (I have. Almost everything I wear is from a thrift store, I get compliments, and people can't tell). You can find modern items from popular stores (sometimes unworn with the tags still on) or vintage items that are one of a kind. Or you can sometimes purchase fabric or clothing items to refashion into new items (cheaper than buying from a fabric store). It's just fabric...think outside of the box and make it into whatever you want. There are many tutorials about how to thrift and women showing what they found at thrift stores (e.g., video1, video2, video3). Some people look down on thrifting but if you've been on Pinterest or YouTube you will see that all sorts of women are doing it and many are very fashionable (just wash before wearing items). I think that it's way more important to spend money on education, housing, investments, healthy food, transportation, and necessities rather than on clothing.

3) Pinterest, Polyvore, and YouTube: Pinterest, Polyvore and the Internet can give you many ideas about how to add femininity to your wardrobe. I recently started some Pinterest pages to keep track of DIY fashion ideas and sewing patterns I would like to use. Choosing sewing patterns is like shopping for new clothes except most patterns are under $6 and you will be making the clothes yourself. The benefit of using Pinterest instead of just bookmarking items you like is that you can see what you pinned, like making an online scrapbook, instead of just a list of links. You can also save video tutorials on YouTube and many are posted on Pinterest as well. Polyvore can be used to put outfits or clothing collections together so there is no need to cut up magazines (reminds me of Cher's computer program from Clueless). 

Simple Feminine Items to Add to your Wardrobe (many can be found in thrift stores. In DIY projects the way your items turn out will depend on your skill and artistic ability)

Peter pan or lace collars: Add some adorable to your plain shirts and dresses by adding a collar. These are all the rage and can instantly add cuteness to any outfit. They are super feminine, vintage, and maybe even hipster. I especially like the one's with pearls. There are many tutorials about how to make them yourself (pearl collars, Peter Pan collar)

Scarves: Tie them around your neck in various ways as demonstrated in this 25 ways to tie a scarf video. Or you can tie a chiffon or silk scarf into a bow and pin it to a blouse.

Spats: Spats are a vintage shoe accessory that have made a comeback thanks to the steampunk trend. I think they are adorable! You can transform any pair of shoes or boots into a unique vintage style or tall boot (tutorial Part 1 & Part 2).

Pearls: Pearls are always classy and elegant. I heard it was bad luck to buy your own pearls but who believes in superstition anyway? You can buy imitation pearls for low prices and wear them in different ways (9 ways to wear a pearl necklace).

Cute belts: My favorites are belts with bows. They are usually inexpensive and add a touch of femininity to any outfit. Here are tutorials for makingbow belts, elastic belts, and peplum belt 1, peplum belt 2.

Shoe accessories: I prefer the ones with bows (I love bows on everything lol!) or the ones that look like jewelry. If you have a pair of plain boring shoes then accessories may be exactly what you need. Here are some tutorials: add bows to shoes Part 1 & Part 2, pinup Valentine's Day bow shoes, add ruffles. 

Tights and Nylons: I really like wearing tights. I prefer them to nylons because they don't run but nylons are great too. Thick tights will allow you to wear skirts/dresses even in the winter. I like tights with cute patterns and nylons with vintage styles. Fishnets are also awesome in the bedroom lol ;)

Feminine tops by elegantbw featuring a tee-shirt

Feminine accents: Peter Pan collars, scarves, flowers, bows, sequins, studs, pearls, ruffles, lace, sheer fabric, satin, chiffon, stenciled/painted accents, appliques, polka dots, cropped sleves, peplums, blazers with feminine collars, pastel colours, jewel tones.

Alterations you can Make to your Clothing 

You can buy items and wear them as is. Or you can add feminine details to the clothing. If you can sew you can also alter your clothing to fit you in a more flattering manner. Once you see how easy it is to add feminine touches to items you won't feel the need to pay $30 for a tank top with flowers or a blouse with a studded collar since it is so easy and inexpensive to add these details yourself. Some of the alterations can be done without sewing (e.g., no sew hemming tape), with simple hand sewing, or using fabric glue if necessary (tutorial). Save money by looking for fashion inspiration online instead of buying magazines.

All of the looks below will depend on your skill and imagination. A designer or artist could make awesome alterations that you can not, at least not without practice. I strongly advise looking at retail/designer items for inspiration or else your project may not look very good. There are MANY ways to alter clothes, these are just some examples. Good Luck!:

1) Hem your clothes, shorten sleeves and hems, and bring in the sides of items that are too large (how to hem and fit a thrifted skirt)

2) Add fabric flowers, bows, or ruffles to your t-shirts, tank tops, and blouses (flowers, large ruffle, ruffles1, ruffles2, tulle flower, add frills)

3) Add lace/fabric inserts/add-ons to clothing (DIY lace sleeves, lace cap sleeve, flutter sleeves, add lace, ruffle sleeve, bow sleeve)

4) Add beads, pearls, or studs (embellished sweater, studded blazer)

5) Add an iron on or stenciled detail (use templates to paint clothes, lace pattern tutorial)

6) Use fabric paint to change the look of your clothes (sweater DIY, puff paint beads)

7) Add pre-made or homemade appliques (DIY applique collar)

8) Change the buttons on your shirt or jacket (self-explanatory)

9) Cut up a t-shirt and use a no-sew method to embellish it (tutorial)

10) Dye your clothes (tutorial)

11) Paint your shoes or add decorations (tutorial-don't like the style but you can do whatever your want, add shoe bling)  

Feminine Belts, Skirts, tights, shoes, and spats by elegantbw featuring a pink skirt

Feminine accents: frills, lace, peplums, flowers, bows, ruffles, polka dots.

Dresses For Work and After Work by elegantbw featuring sparkly prom dresses

Feminine accents: frills, ruffles, flowers, lace, bows, peplums, accentuating curves. These dresses are appropriate for work especially if paired with cardigans and blazers and if they are knee length.

Black Women Who are Acceptable in Film and TV

Don't ask me why, but recently I was thinking about Black women who star in action movies. I could only think of two in recent years. Zoe Saldana (yes she is Black, Latina is not a race) who starred in Avatar, The Losers, Columbiana, and Star Trek, and Naomie Harris who starred in 28 Days Later, Miami Vice, After the Sunset, Ninja Assassin, Pirates of the Caribbean films, and the new Jame Bond film, Skyfall (Naomie has played a lot of cops!). I also realized that other than Naomie's role in Miami Vice, in all the other films the women had interracial relationships! I am also familiar with many of Zoe's other roles where she has been paired with White men (e.g., Guess Who, Haven, Death at a Funeral, and The Words). To me, this is A LOT and there may be other roles I don't know about.

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Why are movie producers okay with pairing Naomie and Zoe again and again with White men (and an Asian in Ninja Assassin) in blockbuster mainstream films? It makes you wonder why these producers are willing to face the protests of racists by employing Black women in these roles. Do they think that the actresses are attractive enough that audiences won't mind? I wonder if they wrote the roles for Black women or if the auditions were so good they did not care about race (e.g., Halle Berry has gotten many roles that were written for White women, yes we all know she is biracial).

I think the media is telling us something that has gone unnoticed. The media is telling us they think these Black women are acceptable and equal to non-Black women who they could have employed instead. The media is saying they find these women attractive, they think their mainstream audiences will find them attractive, and they think it's believable they could and would date non-Black men. The media thinks these Black women are desirable to the mainstream!

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So what do these women have in common? I think that Zoe and Naomi are pretty, they have similar thin body types (yes they are very thin, let's move on),  they are both quite feminine despite playing tough action stars, they speak well, and they often smile and don't look angry. Even if they have to be hard at times (e.g., when fighting off rage infected zombies or using a rocket launcher), they are still often shown as vulnerable, feminine, and worthy of male affection and concern. Kerry Washington has also done several roles where she was paired with White men including Scandal of course, Lakeview Terrace, Last King of Scotland, and Fantastic Four. In all of these roles she played someone vulnerable and males tried to protect her. I think she is similar to Zoe and Naomi in terms of the traits I previously mentioned. It's rare to see women who are very different from Zoe, Naomi, and Kerry paired with non-Black men. However there are rare cases where a hard or stereotypical Black women has been paired with non-Black men for comic relief (e.g., Beyonce in Goldmember, Queen Latifah in Bringing Down the House, Halle Berry in Baps) or because they are both "from the hood". Hey, don't get mad at me, these are just things I have noticed, I don't make the rules! Another unusual pairing was making Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Monique, yes Monique, are a couple in the film Shadow Boxer (he kisses her!). Other strange pairings include anything starring Whoopi Goldberg but that's another story... But these parings are rare and unlike Zoe, Naomi, and Kerry, the actresses are not repeatedly paired with non-black men in romantic roles (except Halle of course).

It may actually be surprising to some that many popular, feminine, and yes medium to dark skinned Black actresses have been paired with non-Black men in many TV and movie roles. There is a great list of movies on the Black Women, White Men: Interracial Romance in the Movies site that you can consult to get your interracial romance fix (you can also tell them any films that aren't on the list)!

Here is a list of some Black and biracial women who have also done interracial roles:

Tyra Banks, Angela Bassett, Naomi Campbell, Angel Coulby, Dorothy Dandridge, Robin Givens, Lena Horne, Whitney Houston, Beverly Johnson, Saana Lathan, Nia Long, Audra McDonald, Thandie Newton, Paula Patton, Diana Ross, Gina Torres, Gabrielle Union, Lark Voorhees, Rutina Wesley, and Vanessa Williams. You can see many more on Black Women, White Men: Interracial Romance in the Movies.

Here is another list of some television shows that have had Black woman (and many biracial women) with non-Black man couples at some point. If the relationships are long/significant they are marked with an asterisk and biracial roles are underlined:

Eureka*, Battlestar Galactica*, Being Human, Boy Meets World*, Castle, Deception*, Firefly*, Flash Forward*, Franklin and Bash, Friends, Girlfriends, Grey's Anatomy, Haven, Hawthorne*, Jane By Design, Lost*, Misfits*, Missing*, Night Stalker*, Nikita*, Nip/Tuck, Parenthood*, Private Practice*, Regenesis, Revenge, Rookie Blue*, Scandal*, Show Me Yours*,  Student Bodies*, Suits*, The 4400*, The Adventures of Merlin*, The Secret Circle*, True Blood*, Ugly Betty*, Vampire Diaries* , Wonderfalls. 

Use the internet to watch these films whenever you crave seeing non-stereotypical Black women because there is a LONG list to satisfy you. Personally, due to my Internet use, I never feel like I'm not seeing enough Black women on TV, I just select shows and movies and I watch them whenever I want. Happy watching!