Watch Out for First World Problems

Crossposted at Beyond Black & White

This post is related to a previous post on my blog and something I've been thinking for a while. The gist of that post was that I don't feel the need to take time out of each day to feel bad for all the people suffering in the world unless I plan on doing something to help. Otherwise it's just feeling bad for no reason and it's just talk with no action or substance behind it. It's acting upset and patting yourself on the back after because that makes you more human than the allegedly unfeeling masses (yet it's members of those unfeeling masses who are actually working on those issues every day not just complaining about them). There are people close to me who I can feel bad for if necessary but I'm not going to seek out news stories about bad things and feel bad so that I prove I have feelings to strangers online. I don't think that is helpful to anyone and a waste of time I could be using to enjoy my life or do something more constructive or helpful in the world. It doesn't mean I don't care or don't have feelings, I'm just not choosing to get worked up about every issue in the world that crosses my path because that helps no one.

To me, taking on the suffering of strangers is like being a mammy and a mule feeling bad for them when they don't feel bad for you, in the hopes that when you have problems they will remember your caring and come help you when you need it. I don't believe that will happen, maybe on a national level (e.g., countries helping each other and expecting to be paid back in the future), but not on a race level. I will be concerned and help someone LESS fortunate than myself IF I WANT TO and if I am moved, not in the hopes of getting paid back because I know that probably won't happen. I don't fool myself into thinking that caring for those people is somehow an investment in my own future. Payback would only apply if those people are my neighbors and if they will one day have enough resources to pay me back (that would be reciprocity). But for the people who need the most help in far away places, that will never happen. I will help them just because I think it's the right thing to do, but I won't sit around depressed about it because then I would be depressed 24/7 365 days a year.

Furthermore, I don't waste time being concerned about people who have their own family, friends, and resources to take care of them. These people don't need my help and they probably won't reciprocate because they focus their resources on helping themselves (because self-preservation is the priority for most people). This is why I don't get upset over things regarding celebrities anymore because they have enough people caring about them that they don't need me. I don't need to be concerned about athletes or politicians. I don't need to be concerned about powerful ideological groups because they will be okay and succeed without my help (because they have been doing so all along). Trust me, anyone with any power will do just fine without the support of Black women but if we don't take care of our own problems who will? Do you really want us to go begging to everyone else for help or should we try to handle our own problems? This leads me to the issue of First World Problems. FWPs are things that people in wealthy Western countries get upset about that aren't even in the radar of people in poorer countries who are just trying to survive. To people in those countries these issues seem frivolous and they would wonder why we are so miserable when we have so much.

I think that there are Black First World Problems that Black people in Western countries worry and get too angry about when Black people in the past would have had much worse to deal with. I think that Western Black people believe that if we don't get really upset and make a lot of noise over every insensitive thing anyone does then observers will get the green light to be as racist and sexist as they want, Jim Crowe be reinstated and women will become second class citizens again. This is why they get upset over minor things because they think those minor things are indications of a large, underground racist/sexist mentality that is just waiting to come out if everyone isn't vigilant about it. Now I am not a psychic and I don't know if they are right about this or not. I'll let them get upset but I won't be a part of it. It's their passion and fear not mine so I won't let them drag me in. Discussions about some of these issues can get very heated because people feel they are a symptom of a more serious problem. But when you sit back and look at some of the issues Western people have gotten really upset about you just have to laugh sometimes because we must have things pretty good if these are the things we complain about. Yes we can complain and commiserate about these problems but there is no reason why discussions of these issues should end with someone being furious, depressed, or feeling that the world is a horrible place. Just breathe and realize you are getting upset about a FWP that isn't that serious!

Examples of Black First World Problems:

*Getting worked up over something you read/saw on the Internet: The Internet is strangers writing for entertainment or amusement or telling people what they think those people should know. People are more rude on the Internet because it is anonymous and they are arguing with people who can't affect them in real life. Don't bother getting upset about a conversation with a stranger who you may never cross paths with again over a topic you have never been concerned about until they brought it up. If you don't like it. don't read or visit the site again, avoid the person, and just walk away because no one is forcing you to be there.

*Black women wear their hair straight: For many people this is a luxury and they have no choice but to wear their own natural hair (I used to think this was serious but not any more). It's more important that Black women are free to be educated, employed, using money for necessities or upward mobility, and feel safe walking the streets looking however they want.

*A Black person's skin color: Why are we caring so much about this? Can a Black person just be Black and be accepted already no matter the shade? Stop caring so much about who the media prefers and just treat people equally and be attracted to whoever you want.

*A celebrity said or did ANYTHING: There are people who pay absolutely no attention to what celebrities do because they are busy with other things. This also includes any celebrity doing anything that reminds you of slavery or their preference for non-Black people. Pay more attention to what the powerful people concern themselves with, because I doubt it's Love and Hip Hop. Some people don't watch TV at all.

*A rapper said something misogynist: It's a musician, an entertainer, usually with a criminal background who is barely literate from a music genre that is plagued with misogyny. Think about all the places in the world where rap music and rappers are a non-issue and have no impact on anything. Idiots say idiotic things and other idiots will follow their example.

*There are not enough Black people on quality TV shows: You're complaining about what's on your $3000 flat screen that costs more than people earn in one year in some countries. It's a luxury you have TV at all and that there are ever Black people on shows that are not on Black-owned networks. Yes, you can be bothered by this but it's really not that serious in comparison with other issues so just don't act like this is the worst issue facing Black people. Let the actors fight this battle for their representation and use their unions. Read a book or go exercise.

*There are not enough Black fashion models in high fashion shows and magazines: Do I have to explain how big a FWP this is? Don't watch the shows, don't read the magazines, don't buy the clothes...live your life. This also includes fashion shoots that remind you of slavery, minstrel shows, or you feel are appropriating someone's culture. They are selling pieces of fabric...relax!

*There are not enough Black people on magazine covers: Stop letting the media tell you who you are and what you are worth. The media is designed to tell you that you aren't good enough so that you buy things to fix problems you don't even have. Your face is not on the cover because they prefer White people like them and it has nothing to do with your beauty or worth as a human being. In a country where Black folks were the majority AND owned the media then Black people would be represented all over the place. In Western countries Black people will always be underrepresented so accept it and move on.

Specific Posts about First World Problems 

The new image of a Black Barbie (relax it wasn't even for kids and people dress like that anyway)

Django Unchained dolls pulled from shelves (who cares?)

Petition over Scandal Hiatus (get a life people)

Petition over Zoe Saldana playing Nina Simone (who cares?)

Controversy over Mary J. Blige singing in chicken commercial (everyone likes chicken get over it)

Protesting Legos marketed towards girls (just buy what you want mindless drones)

$16,000 in donations raised to study female characters in video games (???)

Complaints there are no Black women on "Girls" TV show (who cares, just don't watch)

Little girl is toy store rails against gender stereotypes (buy whatever you want..sheesh)

Black models excluded from fashion shows (let the people who buy their stuff and the models protest. I think they should get rid of runway modeling period and just use computers...)

Rapper says Black women don't look good in red lipstick (then people try to prove him wrong...why?)

Desensitized to Suffering or Just to Your Complaints?

Okay, this post was written out of frustration/boredom related to a Beyond Black & White post called Reciprocity: What does it mean to you. I must say that I haven't had many ideas about what to write lately and I'm losing some interest in blogging because there are other things I want to do (e.g., sewing, I need to exercise more, the weather is getting better and I want to get out and do things. I know that sometimes I complain about things but I have made a concerted effort for months to reduce how much I complain and vent online and offline (I wrote about this previously HERE and HERE). I chose to do that because I know that complaining is unpleasant and useless if I don't plan on doing anything about the problem. I would rather spend time doing something more pleasant with my friends. It's actually helped me to feel happier and more mellow about things. 

It's fine discussing something for the sake of making conversation, but if the issue is emotional or controversial I just don't bother doing it much because it doesn't benefit anyone. The problem online is that sometimes an interesting conversation for me can upset others when that was not my intention whatsoever. So once I realize someone is upset online I leave that person alone because it wasn't serious to me and I didn't realize the other person was taking the online discussion so seriously. I know that I am not perfect and some of my posts may come off as frustrated venting, but really, I haven't vented online in a long time and I haven't been upset while writing one of my posts in a long time. I write because I enjoy it or I'm bored not because I'm an activist, expect to change the world, or that what I write actually matters. It's not that serious...

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I'm still reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (I think I read one chapter per month lol so I've been reading it for a long time). The book mentions something that I learned about previously regarding ways men tend to communicate when compared to women. Basically the book states that men tend to make complaints to others for the purpose of getting advice about how to ACT on the problem or SOLVE the problem. In contrast, women often make complaints just so that they can VENT and have someone listen to them while being supportive and showing empathy without the expectation that they or their audience do anything about the problem. Although both genders can use both forms of communication, men are more likely to make a complaint for the purpose to getting advice or prompting someone to act on the complaint. If they don't need help or want something done then they don't bring the problem up. You have probably heard this before.

I think that when it comes to reading blogs I think like a man! Men often become frustrated with women when they complain to them about something (especially when it's the same thing over and over) but they refuse to take their advice about how to solve the problem. Or when the women keep getting upset over something they have no control over and expect that the man gets upset too, pay attention to the complaint (that they may have heard dozens of times before), and endure the intense emotional venting. If they become bored with the complaint and the venting they are accused of "not caring" about the woman or whatever issue she is complaining about. A man in such a situation may ask himself,

"Why in the world is this woman complaining and getting upset over and over again about the same darn problem? Didn't she learn the last dozen times that she can't change the situation, so why is she still focusing on it? Why doesn't she take any of my advice about how to deal with the problem so that we don't have to go through this anymore? Why does she ruin her day by getting upset and insist that I ruin my day by listening to her and getting upset too? Does she enjoy getting upset and does it make her feel like she is a good person or something? What does she get out of this draining and depressing behaviour and why does she need me to feel drained and depressed with her? I wish she would just do something about the problem or just stop wasting both of our time getting upset and worrying about it!"

When I hear certain complaints over and over sometimes I just want to yell, "Do something about it or stop complaining because I have better things to do! This is useless and doesn't benefit anyone! Don't drag me into your masochistic pit of despair!" I mean since you care about the person you listen the first few times and are very concerned. You want to help and stop the suffering. But after a while you wise up and realize, 'Oh, she just likes to complain and vent about things sometimes. There is no need for me to get worked up because in a few minutes she will get over it and move on. She's like Jerry Seinfeld complaining about things to pass the time but she's not really that upset or else she would be working to solve the problem.' I mean seriously, it's like someone getting a flat tire and complaining day after day about it and don't want you to fix it...fix the darn tire already or shut up!

Over the years I have heard women and people in general complain about certain things online and in the media so often that I'm desensitized to their complaints and don't get concerned anymore. It's just the usual venting about the frustrations of life that they do to pass the time, the situation won't change any time soon, and they don't really want to work on the problem anyway. Sometimes I engage in those conversations just to pass the time but I don't get upset anymore because what's the point, it's online not my real life. In many cases these are first world problems (link2; i.e., problems that those with serious problems don't worry about because they are busy trying to survive. Yes I know I write about first world problems most of the time...and I don't take it seriously either. If your complaint has anything to do with celebrities or entertainment those are first world problems but I get that you are using to demonstrate a larger social problem. Many people will still dismiss it as trivial though). What are some examples of complaints that I don't feel like listening to anymore?

• Complaints about celebrities, television, or music. I know that people (including myself) sometimes use celebrities, TV, and music as examples of more important social problems or a symptom of social problems. But if the issue is that a celebrity said something, there are not enough Black people on TV, or a song says something objectionable I just don't feel like listening anymore. Write about the social issue and it's complex contributing factors instead of complaining about a particular celebrity. Better yet, stop paying attention to gossip blogs and entertainment. I will just listen to commentary about good shows, music, and role models.
• Complaints about being fat. Do something about it or accept that you are fat and stop complaining about it. When someone gives you advice that what you are doing is keeping you fat, take their advice or never complain to them again. You have a brain, you decide what is too much, don't rely on me to tell you what is too much and what is unhealthy. I will just listen to commentary about how to lose weight and stay fit.
• Complaints about certain people not finding you attractive. Make yourself more attractive, only focus on the things about you that are attractive, or only pay attention to the people who do find you attractive. When someone tells you something about you is not attractive and how you can improve, take their advice or never complain to them again. Accept that men and most people prefer attractive women. I am so tired of the complaining that I really don't care anymore what you do to make yourself look attractive, do whatever you think is appropriate. You have a brain, you decide what is too much, don't rely on me to tell you what is too much and what is unhealthy. I will just listen to commentary about how to be attractive and people who find Black women attractive.
• Complaints about non-Black people not including or preferring Black people. Accept that all people prefer their own, stop expecting to be included or being surprised when you are not, and create your own resources and groups that will include and prefer Black people. I will just listen to commentary about Black people who have been included.
• Complaints that some people are racists or say insensitive or mean things to Black people. Report it if you have to but accept that everyone won't like you for whatever reason and race is just one of those reasons. Accept that people are mean to other people for many reasons and racists are just mean people who don't warrant your attention. Accept that non-Black people's lives don't revolve around finding out what offends you and reading manuals about how to act around you so you might get offended. Think about all the times when you have been mean and stop giving mean people so much power over you. 

Now, if something is incredibly horrible, unusual, or effects someone I KNOW PERSONALLY then yes, I may get upset and I will listen. If I know the horrible details and someone is right in front of me upset about something that happened to them PERSONALLY then I will be concerned and empathetic. But I will no longer be concerned when someone online is upset about something that DID NOT EVEN HAPPEN TO THEM and that they have no intention of doing anything about the situation. I don't have time for that and I don't need that in my life. This is entertainment and I don't spend time on entertainment that makes me feel bad anymore. I would rather focus on the people around me and on things that I can actually do something about or things that make my life better. In my opinion, taking on negativity to make internet strangers feel better is being a mammy and a mule by sacrificing my time and emotional well being so that a stranger feels cared for. That's a sacrifice for your family and friends not for a stranger on the internet. 

I'll end with some questions I was wondering when I read the original post: Why do you need me/internet people to listen to your complaint or get upset about it? Why do you need me/internet people to care and how does my/our caring help you? Will your problem go away if everyone in the world cares yet can not or will not do anything to help? Do you think you are better/more human/more well adjusted than others because you pause to think and talk about negative world events?

What to do About Privilege?

Not sure why I wrote this, it's just been on my mind because people are confusing and I don't understand what they want sometimes. Whenever someone (online) points out that so-and-so has privilege that they must recognize it sort of puzzles me. It's not that I don't understand they have privileges, it's just what's the purpose of pointing it out to them? What are you expecting them to do? I think they want other people to understand that they have things better than others by virtue of things they have no control over (e.g., race, gender, ability, class, physical attractiveness) or something they achieved that is difficult for many people (e.g., privileges associated with getting an education, a good job, living in a safe place with opportunities, physical attractiveness again, etc.). But once they recognize their privilege then what? After they understand and can list all of their privileges how does that make things any better for you or the state of inequality? Suppose someone does recognize their privilege, how should they let others know they understand it and why is that even helpful to anyone? For instance, I have seen numerous articles written by White people about their take on a racial situation where they acknowledge they may not understand because they are White. But then the non-White readers still totally destroy the person for not understanding, for supposedly being part of the problem, or for being White. I mean what sort of disclaimer would ever work? Unless the person says something that most Black people will agree with then that person's disclaimer will never work.

The same thing happens when discussing, class, poverty, crime, beauty standards, fat acceptance, natural hair, and anything where people are not equal. I think that complainers want others to either somehow give up their privilege to them. Or they want others to feel very guilty, as though they have wrongfully taken the privilege away from the complainers! For example, if someone has the privilege of going to university, wants to marry someone with the same privilege, and wants to send their kids to university too what is wrong with that? Why are they made to feel guilty about the opportunity they have been given? I mean if you win a free car would you refuse to drive it because other people didn't win cars? If you have good health are you going to try to catch diseases because other people were not so lucky? If you live in a safe neighbourhood are you going to hang out in dangerous neighbourhoods so that you can risk your life too? It doesn't make sense to me to do any of those things. That would be throwing away the good thing that you have and wasting your opportunity that others would be grateful for. Maybe you didn't work for your privileges but maybe your parents and ancestors sacrificed a lot for you to have them. It is disrespectful to them for you to not accept their gifts.

Isn't giving up privileges like throwing away money, safety, health, positive relationships, and positive experiences? Is someone a bad person if they don't want to give those things up? If you got a promotion would you give that up to another coworker because they had a hard life? Would you turn down a scholarship that you need because you haven't suffered as much as someone else? Would you refuse to marry the love of your life because other people didn't have the chance to marry? This also reminds me of dating and the way some women are stating their standards including only wanting a man who is educated and who has a certain type of job or social class. Some men will get so upset and insisting that their standards are too high because of A, B, and C bad circumstances that happened or they were born into. They want to be given the same chance as men who meet the women's standards and ignore all of the privileges they would be giving up. What I feel for them is pity and I will not date someone out of pity.

Sometimes it sounds as if people are saying "since you have more privileges than me you are not allowed to complain as much as I do. You also have to put up with my unpleasant behaviour without complaint". Seriously, when you hear the reaction of people to certain things in the news it sounds like they feel that, because of inequality, crimes committed by Black people, poor people, people without fathers, people who have been abused, people from dangerous neighborhoods etc. should be excused and get a free pass while others are punished for the same behaviours. I think what they mean is don't blame the person but blame their circumstances. But if the circumstances of a whole bunch of people are horrible and that causes them to be unpleasant then how can that be ignored? They make life unpleasant for anyone who comes in contact with them. I know that Black people are often punished more harshly for the same crime but people act like there should be no punishment at all or something way too lenient given the crime. A dangerous person is a dangerous person and I want them to be prevented from harming others no matter what caused them to be that way in the first place.

At other times it sounds like, "since you have so much privilege you need to do something to help me get the same privileges even it that would mean losing something yourself". Why should anyone feel compelled to give up the good things they have? Is it even possible to give up one's privilege? They would either have to share more, sacrifice time and resources, or sometimes risk a lot in order to help others. These sacrifices are usually only done for family and close friends (or through work or volunteering) because everyone's resources and time is limited. But if that is what less fortunate people are asking for then they should come out and admit that! Admit that they want you to feel guilty or sad for them, that they want you to fight for their cause and tell their story, and that they want you to comfort them. If you want people to fight for you then stop with the guilt trips that make people want to avoid you! If you just want comfort then be nice because no one wants to comfort a jerk! Be honest because that's the only way people will know how to react to you and give you what you need.

I've noticed these mixed messages in posts about colourism where the poster and commenters are asking for more appreciation of women with darker skin tones or certain facial features, typically someone who looks like India Arie. But let's be honest, if that happens then women who don't look like India Arie (including many BW) will have fewer chances to see women who look like them. This would be fine if there were many examples of BW in the media, but BW are already underrepresented. I think that some BW are just more acceptable to the mainstream (i.e., most White people and most other racial minorities in Western countries). I think BM are fine with the BW in the media today (not hearing complaints). It is mainly dark skinned women who are complaining and sometimes being downright hateful towards lighter skinned women. Other people may be willing to help their cause but they should not be surprised if lighter skinned women end up pitying or even disliking them. They should also not be surprised when people who did not think dark skin was a drawback have now learned that it is because dark skinned women worked so hard to convince them this was a fact.

Lastly, there are certain privileges that come from being a woman but they are being slowly eroded at the request of some feminists. I think it is actually a privilege to be the ones who are not expected to fight, get hurt, and do the heavy and dirty work. We are the ones who are protected by men when they are expected to protect themselves. It is a privilege to have doors opened for us, to go first, to have dates paid for and I really appreciate those things. I don't feel entitled to them but I do like them. We also get to wear feminine clothes and makeup or dress like men with little disapproval but men who dress like women face much harsher criticism. Men have many privileges too but this post isn't about them. I think feminists want us to give up these privileges so that everyone treats men and women exactly the same. Some of them even want men and women to look the same (androgynous). The extremists wouldn't mind if we ignored biological sex all together and just partnered with any human being. Some are big proponents of casual sex and open relationships, and some think marriage is antiquated and should be forgotten, yet others are fighting hard for same-sex marriage? Personally, I don't want to give up any of my feminine privileges.

Feeling Pity

When it is pointed out that other people are suffering and have things harder than I do I can't help but feel pity. Pity is defined as:

1. Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another.
2. A matter of regret: It's a pity she can't attend the reception.

Synonyms: compassion, commiseration, sympathy, condolence, empathy
These nouns signify kindly concern aroused by the misfortune, affliction, or suffering of another. Pity often implies a feeling of sorrow that inclines one to help or to show mercy: felt pity for the outcast.

I'm wondering how someone who is complaining about their horrible life could be surprised that someone pities them? As you can see from the definition, when someone tells a story of their misfortune and suffering then people feel pity, concern, or even that they need to help the person. THIS IS THE NATURAL REACTION and (even though people will deny it) this was the reason for the sob story in the first place. The story teller wanted people to feel bad or guilty, to be extra nice, or even offer to help to them. I do not think this is a bad thing whatsoever. But what I think is unfair is making people feel bad for pitying others. Hey I won't feel sorry for you if you stop telling me things that make me feel sorry for you! Furthermore, when the story tellers get offended by the pity and call it "paternalistic" or "patronizing" it's really weird because I think these people don't even know what they want! They are doing something (i.e., telling a sad story of misfortune) and expecting people to not have the natural reaction to that story (i.e., feel pity)??? These same people complain when others don't pay attention to their stories, dismiss them, or refuse to help but this is what people do when they don't have pity or compassion for you. People can either care or not care!

The story of what went on at the Before and Afro blog is a great real life example of this. In the latest installment the blogger describes how a man with an afro inspired her to sponsor a child in the Philippines. But lo and behold, in the comments section someone criticized the blogger for being paternalistic and sponsoring the child just so the blogger would feel good about herself! She was also criticized for trying to get attention and approval by writing on her blog...newsflash many people blog, talk, and socialize because they enjoy the attention and that is healthy and normal! You really can't win with these people who I believe are actually perpetual complainers. Just read through her other blog posts and see how she was pulled every which way and how everything she did was pulled apart. While some are telling her she should devote her blog to discussing racism and how to stop it others are saying it is paternalistic and not her place to do so. While some are telling her ways that she can appreciate Black people others are rejecting every attempt she has made to do so. I'm surprised she hasn't said, "forget all of you people you people are CRAZY!!!" I think that in order to get people to fight for your privileges then you have to be nice to them because they are doing you a favor that could actually reduce the amount of privilege they have. They are sacrificing something for you that might not even create the intended effects. I don't expect people to give up their privileges unless it's to someone close to them. I don't expect a person to give anything up to someone who is hostile or blames the person for all of the blamer's problems. I think they will only do it if you are nice so they like you, they feel sorry for you, they think it will make life better for everyone in the long run, or they think it is morally or ethically the right thing to do.

So I honestly want to know, 1) When you complain to people that they need to recognize their privilege what exactly do you want them to say or do? 2) Why do you need them to recognize their privilege and how does that benefit you?


Related Articles:
Do you recognize your privilege? Actually being a first generation Canadian I have a lot of the privileges on this list meant for White people. In regards to the items that do apply to me (e.g., working in places with few visible minorities) I still survive and I'm not sure what effect more BP would have on me. I won't necessarily get along with them or like them and what if they were actually stereotypical and bad coworkers? Plus, the blogger just asks people to recognize their privileges but I'm again left with the question, once these things are recognized then what?
Is privilege offensive? Equally vague. Seems like they expect people to police others for saying or doing things deemed "oppressive". That's risky for someone who is supposed to be oppressed to go around policing the members of the oppressive group and not expect any negative repercussions. I'm just trying to live and I don't feel like being the speech police. I'm busy trying to get along and not get into arguments.
Recognizing class privilege. Basically in this article it seems that the writer just wants people to see and admit that they have privileges that helped them to become successful and it was not just their hard work. Just like the other articles there is this hint that the purpose of this recognition is so that they can understand why things are harder for others. Ok, so now I understand...now what? I think what they don't want to say is that they want us to be more lenient and give more chances to people with less privileges.

That's fine if you are talking about work or school opportunities (i.e., affirmative action) but this stuff doesn't apply when it comes to personal lives. If due to someone's lack of privilege they can't support themselves, they are mean, they do drugs, or they have nothing in common with me then I won't be their friend/date them. They would be unpleasant to be around and could bring me down. I'll be friends with someone if we get along and they don't bring me down and most often I've found it's people who have had similar lives to mine.  So once again, since I'm not planning on being an activist, how does recognizing my privilege help anyone? I'll be nice to people who are less fortunate but that's all. I guess they don't want to be blamed entirely for their circumstances...that's fine but I don't think anyone can totally be absolved of responsibility either. Either way, this is all about talk, not hurting people's feelings, and being sensitive about what you say. It's a lot of fuss about saying things the right way when I think there are more important things to focus on.

I'm Not Too Concerned About Racism Anymore

I'm not too concerned about racism anymore. Are you shocked? How can a Black woman not be concerned about racism? Don't I know that racism still exists and that racial equality hasn't happened yet? Don't I know about all the statistics saying that Black people are treated worse than White people? Don't I care that White people are placed on a pedestal, viewed as the norm, and portrayed as superior? Honestly, no, not any more. But why?

Well because right now I'm more focused on getting my foot in the door to opportunities, staying there, and accumulating the power and resources I need to have the best life possible. If other Black people focused on this then their lives would improve, and the more Black people who have improved lives, the more we can say things have gotten better for Black people. I am not interested in finding out about, getting enraged by, starting a petition, or endlessly complaining about inequalities or racist statements/actions by individual people or groups. I just don't think that these actions do anything to help BP anymore. They just cause friction so that the people in power tip toe around us or try to stay away from us which is detrimental if we are trying to move into their spaces and get help from them. In the past focusing on racism was important because it prevented BP from being able to live at all because they were killed, abused, barred from establishments (e.g., education, jobs, stores etc.), and even from having relationships. But now those things are protected by laws and the majority of people recognize when our rights are being abused or when something is racist. It is now unacceptable for people in power to say racist things and they can actually lose their power when they do! That is progress!

So now BP are in a situation where the law is on their side, they can expect to be treated fairly, many people are taught to accept us and they actually do, and if someone acts racist then the majority will punish them in some way (e.g., lawsuits, forced apology, being fired, cultural sensitivity classes, boycotts, petitions etc.). So now I focus on getting along with people now that they have (and are often pressured) to let me into their spaces and accept me. Now that many of us have "gotten in" we have to be on our best behaviour to stay "in" because the people in power can kick us right back out. They can stifle our progress, sabotage us, ignore us, exclude us, be extra critical of us, or fire us if we don't get along with others. One way to not get along with others is to be a complainer. Let me give you an example, I was working on a project with a man and I felt that he was making me do all the work while he made the big decisions. I thought that I should be able to make the big decisions since I was doing most of the work. I sent him an angry email about it. He was the boss's favorite and he sent the boss the email! He was also more experienced than I was so ruining my relationship with him meant that I lost many work opportunities and the chance to learn from him. Because I was so focused on him using me I didn't see that I would be able to learn/use him for many things in the future. If I had calmed myself down and thought more about the consequences then things would have gone better for me. The man lost nothing from the confrontation but I lost a lot! I complained about someone in power and he used his power and influence to make my life harder and prevent me from getting what I wanted. If I had just finished the project and tried to get opportunities from the man after then I would have been much better off.

I think that the most difficult complainer for people to deal with is a racism (or sexism) complainer. My experience above only strained my relationship with my one coworker, but racism complaints strain your relationship with EVERYONE who is of the race you are complaining about and may make things difficult for many other BP who were not even involved. People who had no problem with you may avoid or dislike you after they hear your complaint about racism. They may avoid you (and other BP) because now that they know how sensitive you are and they don't want to tip toe around you. Or, if they thought you accepted them, they may be shocked and insulted by what you said during your racism complaint (e.g., accusations of reverse racism, overreacting, not being understanding, being difficult, insulting someone by calling them racist etc.). People who once thought you were easy to get along with may suddenly think that's not true and you are not who they thought you were. They are now looking at you like an outsider, unlike them, who they do not understand. People sometimes dislike those who are different who they do not understand. With a complaint about racism you can go from being part of the team, and "one of us" in a multicultural group to not being a team player and "one of them" who refuses to get along.

Am I saying this is fair? NO! Am I saying this is right? NO! But I am a realist and just explaining something that happens. Most of us have experienced this for instance after the O.J. Simpson trial, Rodney King, the Obama election, or any other racially charged incident. These can cause friction between Black and non-Black people who are not even involved. This is what happens on a smaller scale when Black people complain about racism. NOW HOLD ON, I am not saying that racism should be excused!!! I'm saying pick your battles, don't make a big deal about minor or ambiguous things that are not blatant racism, and THINK about the possible consequences. Remember, something a BP sees as racist may not be seen that way by most non-Black and anti-racist people because they are not as sensitive as you are (this does not make them bad people either). Accusing someone of racism nowadays is a HUGE insult that instantly makes people defensive and you do not know how they will defend themselves. Just remember to save your complaints for when it really matters because each complaint causes friction and people will only tolerate the friction for so long and for a certain number of times before they push back against it. Just like my story above, when they push back against complainers you may suffer way worse consequences than they do especially when they have more power.

Remember, when you complain you may not achieve the result you expected. You may be harshly punished for your complaint and be much worse off than if you had kept your mouth shut. When you go against the people holding the power and resources there is a risk they will take those vital things away. Here are some consequences we must think about before we open our mouths to complain:

• Complaining about Black actresses being too light-skinned may cause movie producers to prefer casting non-Black actresses because there are fewer complaints. This will lead to fewer roles for BW and further complaints about the lack of such roles. The same goes for complaints about who Black actresses are romantically linked to in films/television. Complaints about interracial relationships will lead to the BW being replaced by WW. This will lead to BW not getting opportunities to show that they are relationship material and just as desirable as WW. It is WAY more important to see as many BW in positive media roles as possible rather than complaining about the way they look or who they are paired with. The goal should be to have a BW be eligible for any role without it being seen as controversial. All the media cares about is ratings/money earnings and they will ALWAYS make more money catering to the White majority than they will to the Black minority. We are lucky any of them ever try to appease us at all because they really don't have to, so be grateful for that.
• Complaining about men not preferring dark-skinned women may cause them to dislike these women even more for insulting them by implying they are self-hating, racists, sell-outs etc. They may attribute negative traits to the complainers (e.g., low self-esteem, self-hate, being argumentative, being angry) that make it even less likely for them to date dark-skinned women. By acting like angry women needing affection from men who state they are not attracted to you it really makes you look bad. It makes you look desperate for affection from someone who doesn't like you, I'm sorry but it's true. You are displaying the very traits they cite as reasons why they prefer lighter women. NEVER beg someone to like you, you are too good for that. If someone says you are beautiful and they are interested in you ACCEPT IT and if he is a good man who meets your standards maybe you should give him a chance. How can you complain about men not liking your skin and then act suspicious and negatively when they do??? 
• Complaining about fashion designers/companies not employing Black models may cause them to ignore BP as a sales demographic or continue ignoring them. They will just target their marketing and products to non-Black people. BP often complain about the models and advertisements of designers/companies they never even buy from and these companies know it. They have no financial motive to employ Black models. This is once again begging people to like you when you should be focusing on the ones who already do! Instead you should buy from companies who actually use Black models and cater to BP while ignoring the rest. Focus on who is focusing on you and reward them for that. 
• Complaining when non-Black people are interested in afro-textured hair may cause them to no longer be interested and no longer like it. This may stop them from wanting to date women with natural hair or from finding them attractive. They may even ridicule BW for making such a big deal about hair (e.g., calling them superficial, shallow, too focused on race, or even racist). They may continue to encourage and laud straight hair instead of appreciating and accepting natural hair, the exact opposite of what natural haired BW want. 
• Complaining when a celebrity (Black or non-Black) says something insensitive or racist. Let the media deal with it instead of discussing it with non-Black people. Discussing racism is negative and they may dislike you or be wary of you after the conversation when they did not have those feelings before. They don't pay much attention to race issues but you decided to bring it to their attention. Many non-Black people say they rarely think about race and I believe this is true. It doesn't affect them much or it makes them uncomfortable. By bringing up media incidents you have made them uncomfortable and they may avoid you to prevent feeling uncomfortable in the future. 

In the cases of actresses, models, advertising, and celebrities these people have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you or the people you know. So why in the world would you let these incidents interfere with your relationships with people you know? Why would you let these incidents turn you into an "Angry Black Woman" who is avoided and disliked by the people you associate with? STOP IT because it is not helping you one bit! Let these actresses, models, and celebrities deal with their own careers and focus on your own because they surely are not concerned about you. When it comes to men, women, and non-Black people rejecting your beauty...well you can't force them to like you by begging or insulting them. You are wasting your time and energy on these people. Instead focus your attention and appreciation on those who find your skin and hair to be beautiful and BELIEVE THEM when they say it is. If you were actually repulsive they would not be complimenting you. Remember these compliments for the sake of your mental health. 

The way I see it, there are many jerks and mean people out there. Racists are just one form of jerky/mean people. You may encounter people who are rude, sexual harassers, sexual abusers, violent, bullies, con artists, unhygienic, selfish, cheating, back-stabbing, unreliable, lying, and endless other unpleasant people  in life. I try to avoid these people but I don't focus my free time on reading about these people, complaining about them, or worrying about them. I'll be concerned about these jerks when they do something to me personally. I believe in the saying "worrying about something is like paying insurance on a car you don't own" and the insurance you are paying makes you difficult to like or get along with. This is the same way I view racists and what they do. Every complaint about racism is a complaint about someone being mean, not liking you, or refusing to get along with you. I just try to succeed and get what I need out of life instead of on how these people are trying to stop me and ruin my day. I refuse to let the existence of jerky/mean people cause me to sabotage my personal relationships, appearance, and dating prospects by causing me to appear angry, unapproachable, suspicious, unfriendly, uncooperative, unreasonable, undateable, unattractive, insecure, desperate, or otherwise affected by their negative presence. If I do that then they win and I lose the things I want and need! Keep your eye on the prize!!!

P.S. I tried online activism before. I wanted to focus on gathering online self-help resources for BP because that was feasible and people could have used it to learn and help themselves. Instead BM members wanted to focus on the big bad prison industrial complex locking up Black boys who are simply victims of the White man's system. Or they were concerned about stopping BM from getting executed, BM being tasered, or BM reacting violently to racism (e.g., Jena 6). It was all about some White people doing something to some BM who had no personal responsibility and were victims of society and an unfair justice system. It was racism all day every day, fighting the man, and no personal responsibility and I don't think it achieved anything. Plus it was all about the U.S. and not even relevant internationally. 

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