What's The Elephant in Your Room?

This is a very intriguing and important video that Shanda has made. She addresses the fact that sometimes there is something very wrong going on in our homes or relationships that some people, couples, and families choose to ignore. She proposes that we address these issues (in a ladylike manner) instead of letting them continue indefinitely. I think that this is a very important message.

HOWEVER, addressing an issue can only do so much. It is very difficult to change other people, especially adults, if they have power over you, or if the behaviour or situation you want them to change could actually harm them in some way. In these instances your addressing the issues may not change anything other than letting them know you are unhappy. All you can do is state what the problem is, what you want to happen, and what the consequence will be if what you want does not happen (often taught in assertiveness and conflict resolution courses [good article]).

Even if what you want does not happen at least you tried. After this lack of success then the next step falls on you...what are you going to do now that the situation has not changed? Are you going to put up with it, leave, find someone with more authority to help you, go on strike, yell, or try something different? You have to do something besides just blaming the other person/people and waiting for them to change. If you decide to live with the situation that is YOUR choice and there are others would would react differently depending on their personal circumstances, resources, and character. Because of this you are partially responsible for the situations that you allow to continue or live in. Maybe the best thing to do is try to change some of your other current circumstances, increase your resources, improve your character, try something different, or remove yourself from the situation.

I think that we often are the cause of the "Elephant in the room" because of our own negative, self-destructive, or socially suicidal behaviours! Many of us need to take a hard look in the mirror, recognize, and accept that in some areas of our lives we have made poor choices, hurt others, and hurt ourselves. Perhaps if we had not ignored our personal failings and flaws and instead had the courage to change or improve our circumstances then we would be much happier today instead of regretting our apathy, fear of change, and worries about social backlash.

I'll end this post with one of my favorite quotes:

Related Articles:
Conflict resolution from Mind Tools (Many people have no idea about conflict resolution and instead insist that one person, usually the man, makes the final decision...it doesn't have to be that way! Excellent website for self-improvement!!!)
Conflict resolution (Great!)
How and when to use I statements
I statements

Some Black Women Are Labeling Themselves "Handicapped"

I'll start off this post with a warning that if you have a physical or mental disability this post may rub you the wrong way so maybe you should skip it. This post is directed towards women like myself who grew up well, have little to complain about, grew up in multicultural areas, and have had pretty good lives. If you did not have the same experience please do not freak out about this post because it was not meant for you. If you have had many difficulties in your life then this post is not about you.

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Last week I was out with friends and we met a nice looking man. He started to speak and it turned out he had a really bad stutter to the point where it took three or four times longer to introduce himself and ask a question than it would take someone without a stutter. When I got home I thought about the man and it got me so upset! I thought about how hard it must be for him to make friends because it was so difficult for him to communicate. I wondered how people treated him and what he was able to do for work. I also worried about what he thought of himself and his future. I felt so sad about it and thought to myself that if I were in his shoes I didn't think I would be able to go on living because it would be too hard, and I probably would not get what I wanted out of life so why bother. I remembered how hard things were for me socially in school and having a stutter like that would have made things even worse. I had no idea how this man could have made it through. 

Flash forward to today when I was reading some blogs and a thought popped into my head, "When non-Black people look at Black people do they feel the same way I did about the stuttering man?" Because of our constant talk about the effects of slavery, racism, and poverty and our need for others to acknowledge these things, do non-Black people consider us to have a physical/mental disability that prevents us from doing what they are able to do? I think this may be true! I do think that some of this disability thinking is due to racism of course because historically racist scientists have promoted the stereotype that Black people are not intelligent. Some of it also has to do with studies that indicate that growing up in an impoverished environment can hinder success and abilities. Another contributor is research that shows the negative impact of stress on people's development and functioning. But on top of these three things there are also Black people who are constantly stating that we are damaged, our lives are more stressful, and life is harder for us than it is for other people! We are endorsing the idea that ALL Black people who are descendants of slaves are damaged and have so much baggage that they are handicapped compared to non-Black people! This mentality is evident whenever someone says they can't/won't/don't/never/only do something because of slavery, racism, or because they are Black.

UPDATE: I am not crazy for noticing this and the fact that it is a problem. This has gotten so out of hand that a researcher is proposing the term Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome to describe this phenomenon! Other Black people are also endorsing the existence of a Willie Lynch syndrome (based on a fake letter!) to explain fighting among Black people! So there you go, Black people are pathologizing themselves and implying that they are suffering from slavery/racism induced illnesses that only affect African Americans. So please go harass those people instead of me because I am against labeling African Americans with these disorders.

Extremes are never good. There is a need to acknowledge slavery/racism/poverty but when we claim that ALL Black people are negatively affected by these things, constantly stressed, hurt, and limited by these things then we are labeling ourselves as handicapped! I understand that the purpose of talking about these things is to bring about change but is it actually helping or hurting Black people now? Black people paint their problems as race-based rather than situation- or individual-based unlike other groups. Other groups have problems but they don't claim that they are due to something historical that has permanently handicapped them (except feminists maybe). I also understand that if some problems are not labelled "Black" then the fear (possibly realistic) is that their problems will be ignored and resources will be diverted to other groups. So I do understand these points but I think that things have gotten to an extreme where many highly functioning Black people are acting and thinking as though they are disabled or victims when they are not. 

Now it is one thing if you actually were abused, grew up impoverished, or actually have a physical or mental disability, but what if you didn't have any of those problems? How could this harm Black girls/women who grew up well and are just as capable as non-White people. Well in school teachers may have lowered expectations and research has shown that when teachers are informed ahead of time that a student has a history of doing poorly then they often grade the student more harshly which continues the history. Conversely, when teachers are informed that a student has a history of doing well (e.g., often assumed of Asian students) then teachers are more likely to give them better grades. The same thing applies when teachers are told that a child gets into trouble. So if Black girls are thought to be disadvantaged then teachers may actually give them lower grades and be harsher about their conduct in school. As we have seen with Black males, many are automatically put into general classes and steered away from college because school staff believe they are unable to do the advanced work other students can do.

This handicapped idea could harm Black women in the workplace. Employers may assume that the potential employee will have difficulty fitting in, there may be a communication problem, behaviour problems, or the woman may be less able to do the job or manage stress compared to a non-Black employee. Because of this the woman may not be hired. If she is hired then the expectations for her may be low, her work may be evaluated more negatively, she may not get promotions because she is assumed to be less capable, coworkers may ascribe behaviour problems to her when there are none, and coworkers may be uncomfortable around her. Coworkers may feel that they have to make special accommodations for "her blackness problem" and they will likely find that inconvenient and unfair because they do not need the same accommodations.

The handicapped idea will also have a negative impact on Black women in regards to dating. Potential suitors may see a Black woman as damaged, carrying too much baggage, being too difficult, and being too different from other women so they choose not to pursue her. They know how to interact with other women but they fear Black women are too different and they will have to make special accommodations for "their Blackness problem". It's as though some of us are saying a man has to have training in how to be with Black women and training in how to cope with "Blackness" before he is qualified to date you! Unless he is trained in how to talk to you, not touch your hair, how to act around other Black people, and how to respond to anything racist then a man would be too inexperienced to cope with your disability (being a man is not enough)! Some men would rather not deal with that and will go for someone who they do not see as being disabled. Why does he need a manual and specialized training to date you and not other women?

I think that if we want to be treated like other women then we have to stop doing things that are so different from them otherwise we will seem handicapped when compared to those women. Other people do not want to deal with these issues, they may accept them for a while out of guilt/sympathy/empathy, but others just won't want to deal with us. I have been VERY GUILTY of labeling myself as handicapped due to Blackness when really I did not grow up impoverished, I had two parents, I was not horribly abused, I experienced limited racism, and like everyone else I was never a slave. I co-opted the anger of other Black people and actually made myself appear handicapped because of that anger, focus on racism, and need to assert my racial-affiliation unlike women of other races. 

These are some of the ways that Black women are making themselves appear handicapped or in need of special treatment/care/accommodations when compared to other women:

• Sensitivity to racism as evidenced by frequent accusations
• Sensitivity to lack of diversity evidenced by constant complaints about it
• Handicapped by feeling less attractive and desirable than other races of women
• Handicapped by only being able to do "Black things" and "keeping it real"
• Difficulty accepting or asking for help because of special independence needs
• Difficulty getting along with non-Black people
• Inability to wear natural hair
• Inability to tolerate hair touching or commentary by non-Black people
• Inability to find a man
• Inability to see non-Black people as attractive, role models, dating partners, or friends
• Predisposition to be overweight because of slavery/poor neighborhoods/genetics/preference
• Predisposition to have a bad attitude caused by constant current/historical mistreatment
• Predisposition to speak poorly due to poverty/keeping it real/hip hop culture
• Inability to exercise due to hair handicap or because "it's for White people"
• Inability to wear feminine clothing because of street harassment/hip hop culture
• Inability to act feminine due to slavery/racism/single moms

Some of the disabilities/limitations on the list can be "cured" by individual women choosing their battles and not complaining all the time about every little thing; being more open in their experiences, activities, and relationships; working on accepting their natural characteristics; engaging in healthy activities that are the norm for other women; trying to be feminine like other women; and trying to improve their lives so that some problems will no longer affect them. Unfortunately, when White women complain about something it becomes a race-less "women's issue" but when Black women complain then it is a "Black issue" and a sign that we are deficient when compared to them. I'm really not sure what to do about this! If we decide to just focus on "women's issues" we know that Black women will be ignored because they will not be the majority who are concerned. I think that it would be helpful if we started labeling some things as "personal issues" that vary from person to person rather than "Black issues" that outsiders will assume we all have. So it helps to have modifiers like "some women", "many women" etc. rather than just saying "Black women have problem X". We all really have to do some deep thinking because maybe some of us actually think we are disabled and that is holding us back from really enjoying our lives and being out best selves.

Why Become an Elegant Black Woman?

This is a question I know I will be asked when people hear about this blog. People who know me will wonder why I suddenly decided to do this (I explained why here). People who don't know me will wonder why ANYONE would want to do this. In fact, I had a discussion with some work colleagues about this and one of them said acting more feminine was fake, no one should change in this way to get a man, and a man should love you just the way you are ;) I found it difficult to explain my reasoning and as you remember from this post, I did have some thoughts about whether this was trying to emulate someone else.

Fortunately I found two articles on The Feminine Woman that can help clarify that this is not about being someone fake and that there are actual benefits of becoming more elegant. You must read What is Fake Feminine? The article explains that becoming more feminine is actually allowing your natural femininity show instead of repressing it. I began repressing my femininity during childhood. Based on teachings about equality and feminism I automatically rejected certain things because they were expected of girls or boys were not encouraged to do those things. For instance, I rarely wore skirts or dresses, I scoffed at the idea of dance lessons, I looked disapprovingly at "girly girls", and I refused to learn how to cook because that's what women traditionally did! In my mind I thought that the way to succeed and be taken seriously was to avoid learning anything that was traditionally feminine and to have androgynous pursuits. I even thought that if I liked things guys did then they would like me more because I would be like one of their guy friends!

I was not intentionally "trying to be a man". I did wear women's clothes and make-up, most of the time I had long hair, and I chose a career field that is now predominated by women. I just had a negative attitude about "feminine pursuits" and thought people would use them against me somehow. What the article explains is that being more feminine is about changing my attitude about femininity and letting my innate feminine qualities show, instead of repressing them out of fear they will harm me or make me appear weak in front of others. We all act differently depending on the situation and that does not mean we are being fake. We just let some things show more or less depending on the company we are with but they are all aspects of the real you. For example we act differently with our parents, friends, boyfriends, employers, and when no one is watching.

The second article I read was Why Be Feminine? This article lists some benefits of being more feminine. Please also read Develop Poise for Beauty and Grace at Elegant Woman.org to learn about the history of poise. Although there are benefits that does not mean it's insincere manipulation to get some kind of reward. It's just a fact of life that your life may go better if you have certain characteristics (e.g., if you are not a Black women you don't have to worry about being stereotyped as angry and loud). Is it wrong to become more feminine because men prefer it? I don't think so. We learn and do so many things to be appealing to men (e.g., wearing make-up, dressing well, etc.) and as I said, this is letting your feminine side show instead of repressing it because men prefer that.

I think women like me thought men preferred someone who was more like them. I always remember learning in school that people get along with people who are similar to them, but apparently this is not the case with femininity. I believed that men thought girly things were stupid and ridiculous but they might not even realize they love it! (Side Note: Have you ever pretended to like sports, cars, or action films to get along with a guy? No need to pretend anymore!) This article really hit home for me and made me think about my aversion to cooking because it was "woman's work". Most men LOVE a woman who can cook so why not learn this skill to attract the man of your dreams? Women get plastic surgery, give their bodies away, give up their dreams, and have open relationships sometimes for men. If I can get the same results with cooking then I choose that because we all have to eat!

Here is the list of benefits:

1. You will be successful in your romantic relationship.
2. People are nicer to attractive people so you can get what you need or want (but not in a manipulative way).
3. Other people will want to protect you.
4. Femininity is rare nowadays so you will become more attractive than other women. (With the competition for good men this is so important!!!)
   
5. You will be expressing more of your true self.
6. You will understand and appreciate men more.

After reading these articles I am a peace with my decision to become an Elegant Black Woman (EBW). I'm letting my natural femininity show through and it's just lucky that people (especially men) like this!