Becoming Kerry Gabrielle Michelle

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Some women have “it” and some just don’t. By “it” I mean the motivation, willpower, and means to become women who everyone admires, emulates, and reveres as “the best when compared to the rest”. These are the women who respectable, successful, and admiration-worthy people of all races hold up as examples of the type of woman or Black woman they wish all Black women could be. Let’s call her “Kerry Gabrielle Michelle.” Kerry Gabrielle Michelle has the femininity of Kerry Washington, the beauty of Gabrielle Union, and the intelligence, success, and nurturing qualities of Michelle Obama. Substitute Kerry Gabrielle Michelle with Condoleeza Janet Sanna, or Diana Naomi Oprah, or  Zoe Nia Claire (Huxtable) or WHOEVER you want :) To some the mere thought of trying to become Kerry Gabrielle Michelle causes outrage. How dare someone suggest that there is an ideal Black woman who is better than others, all women are equal! Who decided on the qualities this woman should have? This is based on the White patriarchy and puts undue pressure on women to live up to an unattainable ideal! Why strive to be an ideal, you are perfect just the way you are! You must have low self-esteem if you feel the need to achieve some ideal, what’s the matter with you? Well you see, if you have these reactions, you obviously don’t have “it”. You don’t have the motivation, willpower, or means to be the best when compared to the rest. Some women don’t want to be commoners…they want the throne.

Let me explain, some people are just better than others (i.e., above average) in ways that improve their quality of life and keeps them happier than other people for longer periods of time. These better qualities allow them to do better in school and at work, it gets them better treatment from others, they are looked up to by others, and they are put in positions of power and influence. Being better often makes their lives better. The key is that they are better in the eyes of people who matter to them, especially those who have the power to improve their lives. Some people are lucky and they were born better. For example, some people are born leaders who have charisma. Others are born so beautiful that everyone assumes they have other good qualities due to the “halo effect“. Others have skills and talents that are above average that allow them to enter high paying professions or become leaders in their industries. Some people were just blessed to be born into families with the means and connections that allow them to achieve whatever they want in life even if it isn’t deserved. These people are LUCKY and they have PRIVILEGE because they were either born with skills and revered qualities or born into families that paved the way to their being better than the rest.

So, for the rest of us who are less lucky and privileged…we have to work and maybe work really hard to be the best. That’s the reality for most people. When one of us average people has “it” we are motivated to work hard to achieve the status of the lucky and privileged people mentioned above. We are willing to do what it takes to achieve the best status and life. We do not settle and accept our lot, we want what they have plain and simple. On the other hand, those without “it” will accept their lot in life, won’t try to improve, and believe that they can never become better than the rest. Maybe they were born with this mentality but I think many have learned to think this way. Of course let’s just excuse those who are extremely poor, abused, barely getting by etc. because I don’t want this to turn into a debate about those issues. I’m ONLY talking about women who could be way better if they wanted to and have the time and means. Actually, some self-improvements can be done for free or very cheaply (e.g., reading a book or blog), or they may be attainable if women diverted more of their time and money towards these self-improvement goals (socializing and networking instead of watching reality TV).

Acceptable Changes: I think that in many Western countries some forms of self-improvement are accepted without question and no one implies that a person has low self-esteem, self-hatred, or they are fake for making those improvements. For instance, it’s acceptable to go to school, get job training, start a business, seek a promotion/raise, lose 10 pounds, take medicine or improve one’s health, wear nice clothes, get one’s hair cut and styled, wear some makeup, socialize, get a loan, learn a language for work, travel, seek a nice home in a nice neighborhood, go to church, date, get married, have kids etc. ALL of these are OPTIONAL things that people choose to do because they feel they are rewarding in some way (for this article let’s ignore people who get these things by accident). No one assumes a person has low self-esteem, self-hatred, or is being fake when they make these changes. But many of these acts are following social norms and conforming to ideals about what people are supposed to do.

Unacceptable Changes: In contrast, there are things that people with “it” are willing to do that are not accepted in the same way as the actions above. For some strange reason, if you actively try to improve in certain ways or actively achieve certain life goals people will say you have low self-esteem, hate yourself, your’re a fake or that you are crazy. For instance, some people frown upon seeking therapists for life problems in favor of figuring things out yourself because “that’s what adults do”. Others frown on online dating, singles events, reading relationship books, or socializing for the purpose of meeting a partner in favor of “letting the universe bring you a man”. To them, learning is fine to get good grades or a job but it’s desperate if you do it to get an above average man. Everyone wears clothing and having a personal style is appreciated my many, as long as you are not dressing to attract/gain acceptance from other above average or important people. In that case people will say, “you should be dressing for you not to look a certain way to appear high class or attract the men you want”. Learning a language is fine, but learning to speak proper English so that you sound educated is wrong. Traveling for fun or to see another culture is fine, but travelling to find a man is desperate. Changing yourself to become more acceptable to people with power and influence is considered fake and ridiculous despite the great advantages this can bring to one’s life. Any woman attempting to be more feminine in order to attract men or gain acceptance must be a misogynist or a submissive religious nut. Trying to conform to beauty standards is almost seen as a mental illness even though women have been doing it for centuries, everyone is more attracted to beautiful women, studies have shown attractive people tend to be treated better, the media promotes it heavily, and stores are filled with beauty products.

The difference is that people often make the Acceptable Changes because they are considered normal or the opportunity arises so they take it. Or they are those LUCKY people who who don’t have to work to get great things in life (they don’t recognize their privilege) so they think it’s weird that others have to work so hard for the same things. One has to consciously think and plan a strategy to achieve goals before they make the Unacceptable Changes. It takes research about what works, deciding to do things for different reasons than other people, spending time on things other people don’t, and using willpower and purpose to achieve a goal rather than just letting things happen, or waiting for the universe to make it happen. Many people think this planning and goal setting is unnatural and therefore wrong because it’s just too calculating for them. They think there are certain things people don’t have to work hard for (again their privilege may be showing). That’s because those people don’t have “it”. They are the kind of people who won’t work hard to achieve things, just accept life as it comes, and expect to be given what they need by chance or divine intervention. You know you are talking to one of these people because as soon as you mention your plans they say “that’s too much work”, “just pray for it”, “or I don’t have to do that so you shouldn’t have to.” People with “it” make life happen, they don’t wait. They are open to doing something new or different to achieve their goals.

As a Black woman you will receive STRONG opposition from WOMEN when it comes to changing your public image to appear like Kerry Gabrielle Michelle. If you mention wanting to do things to appear smarter, more successful, more respectable, or better than you really are people will think you need therapy. They ignore the fact that many successful, above average people (including Kerry, Gabrielle, and Michelle) work very hard on their image and created a public image to achieve their goals. Above average women go to etiquette school, life coaches, therapists, personal stylists, and even church to become better people. Models and actors exercise and eat healthy to maintain their figures and they have personal stylists. Celebrities and wealthy people wear neat and clean clothing that is often tailored to fit them perfectly. Other people go to voice coaches and learn how to speak properly. People get braces and whiten their teeth. I’m not going to criticize Black women for using relaxers or weaves anymore because they are just trying to be what they think is attractive. You can learn how to dress, walk, speak, and interact better with others. There are so many self-help books and videos out there to deal with any problem of self-improvement issue you have. You can be WAY better than you are. What’s stopping some women from being better? There are many excuses but people with “it” easily ignore these excuses because they want to be the best so badly they are willing to remake themselves into something better. The ends justify the means. They believe that the means will get them what’s important, the happy life they want, so they don’t blow a gasket at the idea of getting a makeover and learning how to get along better with others. They have their eye on the prize and to them, all the excuses are just noise.

Here are some common excuses I’ve heard Black women use when when the idea of improving their image comes up…what’s your excuse?

• I shouldn’t have to improve my image. People should accept me just the way I am.
• Society is the one that needs to change not me.
• This is excessive. I’m not a celebrity so why should I have to work so hard on my image?
• Where do we draw the line? What if people go overboard and start getting plastic surgery, starving themselves, and bleaching their skin to look White?
• Looking feminine and learning etiquette is just acting White. Black femininity and etiquette is different.
• This is dangerous and it will make people have low self-esteem and not think they are good enough.
• Who defines what the ideal black woman is? If there is no agreement then what do we strive for?
• You are blaming the victims of racism and sexism and putting the onus on them to change.
• This is just being fake, you should always be yourself because the real you will come out sooner or later.
• What’s wrong with Black women the way they are?
• White women don’t have to do this so why should Black women do it?
• All those celebrities look good to the public but they really aren’t like that. They have all sorts of issues that they keep hidden so they really aren’t that perfect. Don’t ever try to look like celebrities.
• It doesn’t matter what individual Black women do, the media has to change because they are always showing the negative stereotypes.
• It won’t make a difference anyway. Racists will still think Black women are horrible no matter how good they look or how nice they act.

Why do some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?

Well I have been kindly asked to do guest posts on the Beyond Black and White blog! I have been a reader of the blog for quite a while because it presents good articles about Black women. The articles are well written compared to some other sites, there is variety, and the comments are WAY better than the ones on most sites and  most are legible! It does support interracial relationships but even if that isn't your cup of tea, there are great articles that aren't even about that. Who you date is your choice. I just finished my first post there and we will see how it goes :) Here is the link. 

Hopefully it will generate some positive discussion but I'm going to refrain from arguing for no reason. I won't feed the trolls and I hope they don't come over here but they might. Since I have no tolerance for that stuff their comments will be deleted here :) I tend to not respond to comments right away (as you may have noticed on this blog) because I think it's better to take the time to think out my responses. From experience I've found that things can be said and taken the wrong way and can cause arguments if posted immediately. Plus, keeping up with comments can be overwhelming and I'm trying to be low stress. I'll have to remember this on BBW :)

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I'll warn you right now that this will sound harsh but I hope that you can hear the caring message I'm trying to send. I think Black women can do better and be better because we are much better than the world and many of us believe! We need to stop having low standards for ourselves, settling for being mediocre, and refusing to improve ourselves. If we want better lives then we have to do better. Please focus on the issues raised instead of throwing personal attacks thanks.  :) Now on to the post.  :)

Over and over again I hear women state, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are". Well what if you are rude, lazy, slovenly, highly unattractive, and really unpleasant to be around? What if your spouse, friends, coworkers, and family don't like to be around you because you are so unpleasant? What if you can't get a date because men say you are not attractive and your attitude turns them off? Should people with these traits not try to improve themselves? Shouldn't they try to do better and be better?

Being polite, hard working, neat, attractive, and pleasant are virtues that many people strive for because they make them more desirable and tolerable. People learn and change everyday, and many choose to improve themselves while others stubbornly refuse. You will hate me for saying this but, don't you know that the, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are," thing was said to make unattractive people with no hope feel good about themselves? Unless you look like the Elephant Man then that pleasantry wasn't meant for you sweetie.

Some people want to be desirable and tolerable while others do not seem to care. This of course is your prerogative and if you never want to improve or change then this article is not for you.  :) It gets tiring (and boring) hearing some Black women complain that others are not finding them attractive when they have been given advice, over and over, about how to become more attractive! It is also tiring when many non-Black women do things to make themselves more attractive, but some Black women refuse to do the same things and are shocked or outraged when they are not found to be attractive. Well if you want things to change then you have to change something! If you want people to find you attractive, then make yourself as attractive as possible! Doesn't that make sense? Some of you will quibble about what makes someone attractive and say that if it's subjective then how can you choose what to do to become attractive. Well I'll leave that to future post. Also, if you are already highly attractive or doing your best (within reason, nothing dangerous) then I'm definitely not talking about you. But my main point is this, if Black women want the mainstream, Black people, and the world to find them more attractive then they will just have to become more attractive!

Some women may state that they should not have to change for any reason or for anyone. Instead they insist that others should change their ideas about beauty in order to include them. Everyone else should change but they should do absolutely nothing to improve themselves!? Yes, people who find beautiful, kind, and pleasant women attractive should stop doing that and find slovenly, mean, and crude women attractive too. They must somehow suppress their automatic positive mental reaction to attractive women and reprogram their brains to find the opposite attractive. Yes, that will surely work! Actually it would only work if unattractive women were the only women left on earth and men had to settle. Unfortunately, men have plenty of attractive women to choose from so they won't have to change their standards. So while some of you wait to have that miracle happen the rest of us will just improve ourselves and enjoy the benefits.

Some people believe in self-improvement and that only those who are lazy, unmotivated, stubborn, antisocial, rebellious, or lacking self-esteem would settle for not becoming the best they can be. This article will be easily accepted by these women. These women don't want to settle for who they are now because they want to be better and know that they can be the best! Some may say that a woman who is willing to change herself has low self-esteem and lacks self-love. I say that I love myself and believe in myself so much I will succeed in becoming highly attractive, feminine, and virtuous. Wearing pretty makeup and clothes and maintaining an attractive weight will show my self-love. Let me use a metaphor, you can tell if someone loves and respects their house if they care for it, clean it and keep it neat, make it attractive, and protect it, instead of letting it get run down and filthy like houses on Hoarders. So are you keeping up your body/house or is it in need of a major overhaul?

In conclusion, I'd like to ask the, "Don't change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You're prefect just the way you are" crowd, are you doing anything that visually shows you love yourself? Or are you doing nothing and calling that self-love? Why are you rejecting self-improvement? Are you being your best right now or could you be even better? Why are you settling for mediocrity?

Self-Help Articles for Black Women

In this post I will present a list of some great self-help articles from Pick the Brain and Life Hack. I love these websites because they provide quick and easy to read articles about how to improve your life. These ideas are very common in self-help, self-improvement, life skills, psychology, and even philosophy type websites, books, and seminars. This is the type of thinking that I am used to (it's automatic for me) but it is very foreign to some people. They are written for a wide audience and not specifically for Black people so certain dysfunctional "keep it real" ideas are not there. For example, I just shake my head when I hear people advocating that BW don't leave dangerous communities because the bad people will follow them anyway or that it is their duty to stay because that somehow helps the community!? I also shake my head when I hear people say find a man with "potential" (who has never achieved anything in his life) and your love and support will make him great (no, only he can make himself great). These ideas are highly dysfunctional and go against common sense!

Another thing I like is that the sites are not just posting complaints or negative events while providing no solutions and expecting someone other than the author to handle the situation. There is no pleading for readers to "do something" about the writer's concern, get outraged, form a committee, come up with solutions, or start a movement. There are no accusations that unconcerned readers are somehow part of the problem, traitors, brainwashed, or the enemy. There is no "We", it is only about what individuals can do to improve their own lives so it is VERY individualistic. This is quite different from some Black blogs where there is a huge "WE" always present, one Black person's struggle/burden is everyone's struggle going back to slavery, all Black people must help every other Black person, and you must be an outraged and confrontational activist at all times. On many Black blogs the only time personal responsibility comes up is when other people, not even involved in the issue, are pressured to do something about it!? For example, when outsiders give the complainer suggestions they are given 101 excuses why they can't take personal responsibility and why outsiders MUST be the ones to devote their time to helping them and fighting the system (the complainer is toxic). These expectations are just tiring, overwhelming, and too much for people who have their own issues to deal with. It just creates outrage but no real changes, and when no change happens that leads to hopelessness.

Dysfunctional ideas like those are totally absent in non-Black self-improvement writings (so I would recommend them if you are tired of the dysfunctional ideas and endless complaining). However, most of these ideas are also commonly heard on BWE blogs...the ideas are not new and they are common sense to many people! This may be why some people can not tolerate BWE blogs because they are more used to dysfunctional "keeping it real" ideas instead of self-help and self-improvement ideas. I think that these types of articles are what one needs to read and believe if they really want to improve their lives. These are the ideas that successful people believe.

How to detox your life of negative people and feel good about it (Very important): "Definition of a toxic person- A person who complains and dumps their problems on you but doesn’t do anything to change their situation. Someone who is not supportive. Someone who makes you feel badly about yourself. Someone who shoots down your bright ideas, big goals, or bold (and risky) decisions. Toxic people are usually in a place in their life where they are not open to constructive feedback or changing, so they are stuck in their current situation and don’t have the insight to see beyond their own struggles."
10 ways to instantly build self-confidence
How to build self-discipline (Excellent): "Self-discipline involves acting according to what you think instead of how you feel in the moment. Often it involves sacrificing the pleasure and thrill of the moment for what matters most in life."
10 natural ways to stop feeling depressed
How to motivate yourself- self-motivation
Self-improvement
6 ways to stand out from the crowd (career focused)
16 ways to connect with anyone
How to tap into the power of positivity
20 practical soft skills everyone should learn (pretty good!)
14 tips to help you build more self confidence

I Will Never Be Ashamed of My Personal Goals

Sometimes you have have to laugh at how much you underestimate yourself. I was looking at 43Things.com and then I read another good article on Pick the Brain about How to Create Your Self-Improvement Plan. It just made me laugh because 43Things is a site where over 3 million people set goals to either improve themselves, experience something (that they feel will make them happy thus improving their life), or learn something (that again will make them happy in some way improving their lives). People vary in what they set as goals but the point is that they have things they want to achieve and they are not just sitting back and waiting for life to happen! They decide on the type of person and the type of experiences they want and take steps to achieve their goals. This is NORMAL. People who have no goals or just let life happen to them are, in my opinion, abnormal or so burdened or preoccupied that they don't have the option of making personal goals. I'm highly doubtful though that those people don't have dreams and aspirations they would attempt if they had the chance.

Just take a look at the site and look at all the various goals people want to achieve. They range from 'visiting New Zealand' and 'learning to draw Manga' to 'earning $100,000 a year' and 'completing a triathlon'. Some goals are trivial like 'learning to make tamales', some are admirable like 'appreciate my parents', and others are really high aspirations like 'save a life'. So when people look at my goal to be more feminine, have excellent manners (better than average), carry myself like a lady, get married to a prestigious man, have children etc. I just have to laugh because not only do other people share these goals, but they are not as trivial or strange and many I've seen! Plus, I don't think those with trivial goals are bad people, ignorant, self-hating, vapid etc. because they usually have some substantial goals along with the trivial ones and they may have already achieved more meaningful things. People having different goals, interests, likes, dislikes, and opinions is what makes the world interesting!

The blog and becoming an EBW is a hobby that could actually benefit my social interactions and improve my appearance but I have other goals and interests. This is no different from someone who wants to lose weight, fix their teeth, learn another language, grow their hair long, get a tattoo etc. which are all unnecessary things but the individual believes they will bring some benefit. These people could listen to the advice "you are good just the way you are", "you are trying to be something you aren't", "your willingness to change shows you hate yourself and think you are inferior" but most people don't have such attitudes about self-improvement, trying new things, or making personal changes. Who cares if it isn't hurting anyone? Unless that person has a lot of power over others and their personal goals somehow hurt those people, or they are actually harming the individual (in that case they will probably stop without you lol), an individuals interests shouldn't bother anyone.

It makes me wonder about those who are so opposed...have they never tried to change themselves in any way? Don't they have any goals? Why is my hobby and interest so offensive to you compared to others? I think the problem is that such critics are not putting things in perspective and they are exaggerating the importance of goals like mine. It's as though they imagine every woman will suddenly do what I'm doing, they will be forced to conform, and then the world will end because it's just so horrible! Some goals are serious and could harm the individual and the public, but my goals are not like that at all! I know this because no one in my real life has a problem with it and no one has complained (I get compliments actually). You see, I like certain things a certain way and it would be great if more people would do things that way. But doesn't everyone feel that way about some things? For example, many people say they wish others were nicer, more responsible, more hardworking, more appreciative, less racist, less lazy, took better care of themselves, less serious, more involved etc because they believe that would make life better for them and others. I don't need EVERYONE to be the same either and there is no way I could enforce that anyway so why worry about it?

My point is that people should relax and not get worked up over other people's goals, interests, self-improvement goals, and desires for people to be a certain way unless these goals are actually harmful to the individual and society. Wishing that more women wore 50s (or any style) style dresses because they are pretty is not harmful but wishing and promoting the sexual assault of women who dress differently is harmful. Wishing and advocating that people show better manners is not harmful but advocating that women or children be beaten for not doing so is harmful. Saying you admire someone for reasons A, B, and C is not harmful and there is something wrong if one can never see the good in others, or see some people as all good or all bad. Relax and keep things in perspective. Maybe you need to focus more on making and achieving your own goals rather than focusing on the interests of others. I will never justify my blog or my interests to anyone ever again.

Well for everything someone likes there will be someone who absolutely hates it. These articles actually make me laugh but some people hate vintage fashion as much as I hate modern fashion lol!
Why I hate vintage clothing fashion
5 lies women who wear vintage dresses tell (lol bitter much?)

Social Comparisons are Torture for the Hopeless

This post is somewhat related to an excellent post on the Feminine Black Woman called What's Wrong with Social Climbing. How does one come to the decision that they can and should do better? I think this drive may come out of necessity if one's living conditions are unpleasant (e.g., one is fed up with having no money and living in a bad neighborhood). They compare themselves to those who have enough money and live in better neighborhoods and do what is necessary to achieve those goals.

For others (who really aren't doing badly) it's merely seeing what others have and wanting it for themselves. This involves comparing one's own state to that of others--social comparison. There are plenty of articles and advice about not comparing oneself to others but this is meant to help people to not feel bad about themselves. They advise to not compete or pay attention to others because you may feel bad and fail to ever achieve what the others have (social comparison can lead to negative envy if one is not careful). You will hear things like "money doesn't buy happiness" when money pays for food, shelter, clothing, education, and health care. Or "the grass always looks greener on the other side" while there are statistics and everyday examples of people living better or worse lives than others. Or "never change yourself to meet someone else's expectations" and "you are good enough just the way you are" even though we strive to meet expectations in school and on the job where those who don't meet the expectations are failed, expelled, paid less, or fired. For some people, they are hopeless about becoming like those they admire so they protect their self-esteem by not making comparisons (if you need to do this to function then keep doing it). This is a coping mechanism as I wrote about in a previous post. Some people have blinders on and pretend (or actually believe) that they know it all and never need to ask or look to anyone about how to be the best they can be. But they can fall into the trap of thinking they are WAY better than they actually are as I wrote about in the past. They are not high-achievers.

Sometimes this coping/defense mechanism works so well that the people using it will point to those making social comparisons and say that they have low self-esteem, think they are inferior, and think others are better than them! Any time someone compares themselves to another person or group that individual is accused of feeling inferior! But let me ask you this, when a thief steals a car does that mean he thinks the car owners are better than him? I think he just wants what they have...that car! I can want what someone else has and think I am better than them, they are the worst people in the world, I don't want to be like them on the inside or outside, and I deserve what they have more than they do. I just want something they have whether it is deserved or not. You must separate wanting the status, privileges, and possessions of other people from wanting TO BE other people. I would gladly receive all of Paris Hilton's possessions and be a hotel heiress but I don't like her or want to be her! Don't tell me for a second that Black people don't want what White people have because that was the whole point of Civil Rights and Equal Rights movements, asking for better housing and schools, justice, and asking for an end to racism. The point was/is to have the same rights, freedoms, safety, opportunities, and treatment that White people have! The problem my blog trolls have is envy because they actually do want what White women and Asian women have but they also resent these women and transfer that hate to Black women like myself. Don't hate the player, hate the game! Unlike you though, I think playing is better than sitting out and winning nothing. These trolls want to be prized and cherished for merely existing and doing whatever undesirable things they choose instead of doing what is prized by most people.

I'm wondering though how people imagine it is possible to be a high achiever without making social comparisons? How does an athlete train to be the best if they do not pay attention to the performance of past and present competitors? How does a company strive to make the best computer if they do not examine the products of the competition? How does a student strive for an A+ without knowing what A+ work looks like? How does one know how to lead without looking at other leaders for examples (or read theories and books about leadership written by people who studied leaders)? How does one win a competition if they pay no attention to what the competition is doing? I think this just highlights the difference between: A) those who have the drive to compete, versus B) those who don't and can only use their energy to barely get by and convince themselves that their lives are great. So before you make a troll comment ask yourself if you are in category B and have no understanding or desire to do what it takes to be in category A. People like myself in category A do not listen to advice from those in category B because you can only teach us how not to achieve the best. You should not read posts about social comparisons because your self-esteem can not handle it and it makes you feel bad. When you feel bad you lash out at the authors and project your lack of self-esteem onto them! (as you can tell these people annoy me because they are very vocal and rude). Read THIS POST to determine if you are an A or B.

So this leads to the questions pertinent to this blog...how can one learn to be feminine without looking at others who are highly feminine? How can one learn to be a prized and cherished woman without looking at those who are prized and cherished? Whenever I do a post using Asian women as the example some troll comes along and says "don't you see you are boosting them up with this post", "you think that Black women are inferior to Asian women", "you have low self-esteem and think Asian women are better than you", or "there is something wrong with you because you compare yourself to Asian and White women" etc. I think actually you are the one with the problem because your self-esteem takes a hit whenever Black women are compared to other groups. My self-esteem is in-tact before and after those posts because I don't think Asian or White women are better, they have just been dealt a better hand, and they made better plays. But now that I am in the game, despite the bad hand, I can win and have won many games. I think I can become just as good a "player" as they are so to me, their status is attainable. Maybe not for all Black women, but for me I know it is. I do not believe I have to have pale skin, blue eyes, Asian eyes, straight blonde hair, or petite bone structure to achieve the status I want either (as I wrote about in my Black standard of beauty post).  So no I do not want to be a White or Asian woman and just like the car thief...I just want the prized status and options they have, nothing more. If you want to know why I single out Asian women, I wrote about that a while ago in THIS POST if you must know but I doubt you can handle it.

Related Articles:
How to learn from competition: AMAZING!!! Read this article! This is about business like most articles about studying the competition (or sports). I want you to read this article and just imagine that what you are selling is your companionship/employee services as a Black woman while others are selling companionship/employee services of Asian or White women. I have done as the article explains: figure out who the competition is (White and Asian women where I live), find out what they are doing differently (being more traditionally feminine), find out what other people are saying about the competition (they are more feminine and that is highly desirable), and then decide whether or not to incorporate the competitions features into your product. I have also done the same examination with Black women to identify EBWs (e.g., other Black women are competition/role models, they are more feminine yet successful, they are the most desired, respected, and successful Black women). This was intuitive to me being that I've always had to compete but this may be foreign to others, especially those who do not think they are in competition. Once again, this is common sense! I have to include this quote:

"When you view your competitor as a villain, you assume you are the savior. You think everything you do is right and everything they do is wrong (smells like victim mentality...). This kind of mindset will prevent you from doing the right things at the right time (e.g., rejecting education, speaking well, or good manners by calling that "Acting White" and therefore wrong). You may not be able to keep an open mind when you see them doing something different because you will assume it is wrong." BINGO!

Comparing yourself to others: It's not all bad

How do I study my competition?
"Knowing the competition is cruicial to the success of any business.
1)Gathering a solid base of information is the first step to creating a strong competitive analysis.
2)The next step is analyzing the information and using it to your advantage. List the strengths and weaknesses of each competitor.
3)Then look for areas where you cannot compete and areas where you can provide something that others cannot."

Leila Lopes, Miss Universe 2011 made herself into a

highly prized and cherished EBW. She competed with

White, Asian and many other women to be the best...

and SHE WON! She knew her competition and strove to

Be BETTER!

Some Black Women Are Labeling Themselves "Handicapped"

I'll start off this post with a warning that if you have a physical or mental disability this post may rub you the wrong way so maybe you should skip it. This post is directed towards women like myself who grew up well, have little to complain about, grew up in multicultural areas, and have had pretty good lives. If you did not have the same experience please do not freak out about this post because it was not meant for you. If you have had many difficulties in your life then this post is not about you.

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Last week I was out with friends and we met a nice looking man. He started to speak and it turned out he had a really bad stutter to the point where it took three or four times longer to introduce himself and ask a question than it would take someone without a stutter. When I got home I thought about the man and it got me so upset! I thought about how hard it must be for him to make friends because it was so difficult for him to communicate. I wondered how people treated him and what he was able to do for work. I also worried about what he thought of himself and his future. I felt so sad about it and thought to myself that if I were in his shoes I didn't think I would be able to go on living because it would be too hard, and I probably would not get what I wanted out of life so why bother. I remembered how hard things were for me socially in school and having a stutter like that would have made things even worse. I had no idea how this man could have made it through. 

Flash forward to today when I was reading some blogs and a thought popped into my head, "When non-Black people look at Black people do they feel the same way I did about the stuttering man?" Because of our constant talk about the effects of slavery, racism, and poverty and our need for others to acknowledge these things, do non-Black people consider us to have a physical/mental disability that prevents us from doing what they are able to do? I think this may be true! I do think that some of this disability thinking is due to racism of course because historically racist scientists have promoted the stereotype that Black people are not intelligent. Some of it also has to do with studies that indicate that growing up in an impoverished environment can hinder success and abilities. Another contributor is research that shows the negative impact of stress on people's development and functioning. But on top of these three things there are also Black people who are constantly stating that we are damaged, our lives are more stressful, and life is harder for us than it is for other people! We are endorsing the idea that ALL Black people who are descendants of slaves are damaged and have so much baggage that they are handicapped compared to non-Black people! This mentality is evident whenever someone says they can't/won't/don't/never/only do something because of slavery, racism, or because they are Black.

UPDATE: I am not crazy for noticing this and the fact that it is a problem. This has gotten so out of hand that a researcher is proposing the term Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome to describe this phenomenon! Other Black people are also endorsing the existence of a Willie Lynch syndrome (based on a fake letter!) to explain fighting among Black people! So there you go, Black people are pathologizing themselves and implying that they are suffering from slavery/racism induced illnesses that only affect African Americans. So please go harass those people instead of me because I am against labeling African Americans with these disorders.

Extremes are never good. There is a need to acknowledge slavery/racism/poverty but when we claim that ALL Black people are negatively affected by these things, constantly stressed, hurt, and limited by these things then we are labeling ourselves as handicapped! I understand that the purpose of talking about these things is to bring about change but is it actually helping or hurting Black people now? Black people paint their problems as race-based rather than situation- or individual-based unlike other groups. Other groups have problems but they don't claim that they are due to something historical that has permanently handicapped them (except feminists maybe). I also understand that if some problems are not labelled "Black" then the fear (possibly realistic) is that their problems will be ignored and resources will be diverted to other groups. So I do understand these points but I think that things have gotten to an extreme where many highly functioning Black people are acting and thinking as though they are disabled or victims when they are not. 

Now it is one thing if you actually were abused, grew up impoverished, or actually have a physical or mental disability, but what if you didn't have any of those problems? How could this harm Black girls/women who grew up well and are just as capable as non-White people. Well in school teachers may have lowered expectations and research has shown that when teachers are informed ahead of time that a student has a history of doing poorly then they often grade the student more harshly which continues the history. Conversely, when teachers are informed that a student has a history of doing well (e.g., often assumed of Asian students) then teachers are more likely to give them better grades. The same thing applies when teachers are told that a child gets into trouble. So if Black girls are thought to be disadvantaged then teachers may actually give them lower grades and be harsher about their conduct in school. As we have seen with Black males, many are automatically put into general classes and steered away from college because school staff believe they are unable to do the advanced work other students can do.

This handicapped idea could harm Black women in the workplace. Employers may assume that the potential employee will have difficulty fitting in, there may be a communication problem, behaviour problems, or the woman may be less able to do the job or manage stress compared to a non-Black employee. Because of this the woman may not be hired. If she is hired then the expectations for her may be low, her work may be evaluated more negatively, she may not get promotions because she is assumed to be less capable, coworkers may ascribe behaviour problems to her when there are none, and coworkers may be uncomfortable around her. Coworkers may feel that they have to make special accommodations for "her blackness problem" and they will likely find that inconvenient and unfair because they do not need the same accommodations.

The handicapped idea will also have a negative impact on Black women in regards to dating. Potential suitors may see a Black woman as damaged, carrying too much baggage, being too difficult, and being too different from other women so they choose not to pursue her. They know how to interact with other women but they fear Black women are too different and they will have to make special accommodations for "their Blackness problem". It's as though some of us are saying a man has to have training in how to be with Black women and training in how to cope with "Blackness" before he is qualified to date you! Unless he is trained in how to talk to you, not touch your hair, how to act around other Black people, and how to respond to anything racist then a man would be too inexperienced to cope with your disability (being a man is not enough)! Some men would rather not deal with that and will go for someone who they do not see as being disabled. Why does he need a manual and specialized training to date you and not other women?

I think that if we want to be treated like other women then we have to stop doing things that are so different from them otherwise we will seem handicapped when compared to those women. Other people do not want to deal with these issues, they may accept them for a while out of guilt/sympathy/empathy, but others just won't want to deal with us. I have been VERY GUILTY of labeling myself as handicapped due to Blackness when really I did not grow up impoverished, I had two parents, I was not horribly abused, I experienced limited racism, and like everyone else I was never a slave. I co-opted the anger of other Black people and actually made myself appear handicapped because of that anger, focus on racism, and need to assert my racial-affiliation unlike women of other races. 

These are some of the ways that Black women are making themselves appear handicapped or in need of special treatment/care/accommodations when compared to other women:

• Sensitivity to racism as evidenced by frequent accusations
• Sensitivity to lack of diversity evidenced by constant complaints about it
• Handicapped by feeling less attractive and desirable than other races of women
• Handicapped by only being able to do "Black things" and "keeping it real"
• Difficulty accepting or asking for help because of special independence needs
• Difficulty getting along with non-Black people
• Inability to wear natural hair
• Inability to tolerate hair touching or commentary by non-Black people
• Inability to find a man
• Inability to see non-Black people as attractive, role models, dating partners, or friends
• Predisposition to be overweight because of slavery/poor neighborhoods/genetics/preference
• Predisposition to have a bad attitude caused by constant current/historical mistreatment
• Predisposition to speak poorly due to poverty/keeping it real/hip hop culture
• Inability to exercise due to hair handicap or because "it's for White people"
• Inability to wear feminine clothing because of street harassment/hip hop culture
• Inability to act feminine due to slavery/racism/single moms

Some of the disabilities/limitations on the list can be "cured" by individual women choosing their battles and not complaining all the time about every little thing; being more open in their experiences, activities, and relationships; working on accepting their natural characteristics; engaging in healthy activities that are the norm for other women; trying to be feminine like other women; and trying to improve their lives so that some problems will no longer affect them. Unfortunately, when White women complain about something it becomes a race-less "women's issue" but when Black women complain then it is a "Black issue" and a sign that we are deficient when compared to them. I'm really not sure what to do about this! If we decide to just focus on "women's issues" we know that Black women will be ignored because they will not be the majority who are concerned. I think that it would be helpful if we started labeling some things as "personal issues" that vary from person to person rather than "Black issues" that outsiders will assume we all have. So it helps to have modifiers like "some women", "many women" etc. rather than just saying "Black women have problem X". We all really have to do some deep thinking because maybe some of us actually think we are disabled and that is holding us back from really enjoying our lives and being out best selves.

Are you really that great the way you are?

We all know how unpleasant it feels to be told you are not good enough and to be insulted about your looks, intelligence, education, accomplishments, social class, wealth, job and anything whatsoever. It feels even worse when you believe these things yourself and think that you are worthless and not good enough compared to other people. That is why people have low self-esteem and feel depressed every day. This has prompted parents' and teachers' attempts to protect their children and students from being put down or from feeling bad about themselves. Even the media does this to an extent. This is admirable. However, this can often be taken too far to the point where ANY behaviour is called "great" and everyone is "the best" and "a winner"! If everyone is the best then no one is because there is no criteria being used to judge what behaviour, accomplishment, or quality is better than another. It is useless and sometimes dishonest praise for mediocre qualities, status, and achievements. It makes people who do not meet standards for achievement and personal qualities feel better about themselves and that they are worthy of all the same rewards in life just like those who meet the standards. But if there are no standards for excellence then what are people to strive for? If everything is acceptable then people will just do whatever they want and expect zero negative consequences.

Prime examples of this are when (sorry it's true) people who are less attractive, uneducated, struggling financially, and unsuccessful expect to reap the same rewards as those who are highly attractive, highly educated, wealthier, and successful in their careers. They expect the same praise and attention and to be just as desirable to romantic partners as people who meet the higher standards. It's harsh I know. The problem is, while they think they are Halle Berry, Albert Einstein, or Donald Trump no one else believes it and they won't treat you that way (if they do to your face then they won't behind your back). They won't buy your claims that you are the best especially if they desire someone of a higher standard and there are other better options available. If you really are so great I just have to say PROOVE IT! Convince us that you are as hot or hotter than the people most call attractive, that you are smarter than educated professionals and doctors, and that you can provide the same high standard of living that a wealthier person can. Your argument will fall flat and instead you will try to convince others that their standards are too high, shallow, materialistic, naive, unimportant or whatever insult you can come up with to guilt them into accepting you.

People do things to earn rewards and avoid punishments so what happens when everyone is rewarded and praised and poor behaviour is excused and left unpunished? Well, I think that there are people who have internalized standards and see through the "everyone's a winner" facade and they strive to be "the best" even if others dishonestly say there is no competition and everyone is equal. These people are not fooled because they can see with their own eyes that those who achieve and are the best reap more rewards in life than those who have lower standards and achievements. They shield themselves from the mass feel-good delusions meant to protect the vulnerable and strive to win what they want and need! They strive for excellence! If a man wants a very attractive woman he will not go for someone who is too different from what he considers beautiful even if she has a sense of humor. If an employer wants an intelligent person with a degree he will not care how smart you say you are unless you have that degree. If you apply for a loan they don't care how hard a worker you are and they won't lend to you if they suspect you are too poor to ever pay them back. There are consequences for not living up to standards and we have to acknowledge this instead of hiding our heads in the sand! If you want certain benefits and rewards in life you have to WORK HARD to live up to the standards of the people who can give you the rewards.

People will tell you don't worry about your appearance
and weight; don't try to be more feminine, educated or
well-mannered than others; and don't try to be the epitomy
of beauty and femininity.  But if you want to be the best
and attract the best men then you must strive for
excellence!

To some people striving for excellence is being fake, not being yourself, and pretending to be something you are not. Others will say that you are good enough just the way you are, everyone should accept you just as you are, and you will find someone who loves you just as you are. But are you really being "the best version of you" and "doing the best you can"? Well, what if you're a  lazy, unattractive, smelly, jerk with a bad attitude attracted to a guy who is sweet, kind, physically active, highly attractive, desirable to many women,  and who wants someone similar to himself? Well he will never be attracted to you and you will never have him. He has positive qualities while you have negative qualities. If you want a man with positive qualities then you have to become a better person yourself. That could mean working on yourself using self-help or a professional, getting into shape, learning how to be nice, taking better care of yourself, and developing the qualities of desirable women. You need to change to get what you want. Furthermore, these will all be positive changes that can help you to get along better with friends, family, and coworkers too! There is also the fantastic benefit of being proud of yourself and increasing your self-esteem because you now know you are great, a much better person, and being the best you can be...never underestimate that and how good it feels! On the other hand if you want a lazy, unattractive, smelly jerk with a bad attitude then you don't have to change a thing...but is that the man you are looking for? Do you like being that way really?

Don't be so afraid to change. If you constantly improve yourself then you become the best you that you can be. Why do you believe that you are your best self right now? How do you know you can't be much better? If you strive for excellence in many aspects of your life then you will become the best girlfriend (or potential girlfriend), wife, friend, daughter, employee, or professional you can be. Did you think that it would be easy and you wouldn't have to work for it? Even if these things come naturally to others you may just be one of the unfortunate people (like myself) who needs to make an effort. Take a look at yourself and make an HONEST list of your positive and negative characteristics to identify areas where you need to improve. I did this early on when I started this blog, I do it regularly, and I am realistic about my qualities and flaws. I recognize and accept my flaws as well as the responsibility to change them and become the best person I could be. I didn't deserve the label of very attractive, feminine, and pleasant before but I think those labels are more accurate now. I worked and improved myself in order to deserve those accolades. You may have to work and strive for excellence too!

The Hatred of All Things Feminine, Elegant, Cute, and Pretty

There are some people who just hate anything feminine, girly, pretty, or elegant. In the not too distant past most women could appreciate these things. Nowadays some women detest the feminine and adamantly believe that liking feminine things harms women, makes them appear weak, and makes them vulnerable to men. I read an excellent post today on The Seductive Woman about Envious Women (this blog was formerly The Art of Being Feminine but changed sites so I missed out on months of new posts! I'm glad it's still around though and old posts can still be read on The Art of Being Feminine). It just reminded me that no matter what you do some people will just dislike you either due to envy or just because they have different preferences. People can have whatever preferences they want and disagree with something but why does there have to be hatred and putting down of a person's intelligence, worth, personality, and dignity just because they like something different? Well, maybe sometimes that's due to envy and jealousy according to The Seductive Woman. I think that's the reason why some people hate Zooey Deschanel. She just too girly, old fashioned feminine, and cutesy for them so they hate her but I'm wondering if some of it is envy that they don't feel secure enough to be girly, feminine, silly, and adorkable like her? There aren't many women like her on television at all but it's like they won't even allow one! I don't want to watch female lawyers and cops everyday and I enjoy seeing a girly-girl who isn't catty, shallow, rich, and scheming all the time.

I  have been reading posts on Tumblr and when I searched for femininity I actually came across a site about anti-femininity! Sorry I can't find a site link. But from what I recall it's a site about lesbians who prefer the masculine or androgynous look, two looks I totally dislike for myself. It's fine though that the blogger likes what she likes but I noticed that she posted a link to a blog I frequent called The Feminine Woman. The blogger posted the link so that the site could be ridiculed!!? I'm not saying that this blogger is envious at all, but I'm just using it to show that some people hate and ridicule femininity. On Tumbler there are TONS of photos of girly/feminine images that I like to reblog and there are many other images of that kind of androgynous/masculine version of femininity that has become "normal" in society today. There are anti-feminist messages and pro-feminist messages. There is a post stating "I'd rather be dark and twisted than light and frilly" or something like that.

To some people the idea of a woman doing ANYTHING that would make her attractive to men is stupid, shows low self-esteem, and is a bad example to other women. For one, I think these people are in denial about all the things they actually do to be accepted by others. They take baths, wear deodorant, don't go out naked, and don't start fights with random people so that they can be accepted and get along with others. Unless they make their own clothes then they are buying what everyone else is wearing and not being totally unique. If you are buying anything modern then you are following trends and not being as individual as you think. Furthermore, they are acting like women don't get anything out of this! I have high standards for men and I'm aiming high in terms of success and looks. If I want an attractive and successful man then I have to make sure that I'm attractive and successful myself. I like pretty boys and cute guys and I expect them to take care of their appearance, shave (I'm wary of even dating hairy guys and if he shaves his body AWESOME), have good hygiene, and be physically active, healthy, and not overweight. How can I ask for those things if I'm not willing to be attractive for them too? So if you are a woman who doesn't care about the way your man looks then sure you won't feel the need to look attractive for him. I want an attractive man so I present myself in a way to get that man and that is empowering because I made my own CHOICE! Furthermore, I actually like feminine clothes and they make me look WAY better than the way I used to dress. I also feel great when I'm nice, well-mannered, pleasant, and fun because it makes me feel like a good person...because good people are NICE!!! People can question my intelligence if they like but hey, I have the papers to prove it, society believes it, and so do the people I know so nothing anyone online says has credibility in the real world.

In the Black community if you have Black celebrities as role models, buy what they wear, and listen only to their music you are being a follower too yet you make fun of Black people who find role models who are not Black? So following Black people is always good even if many are not good examples? Emulating a successful White or Asian role model is unacceptable even if they are highly successful and have all the desirable traits the person wants? Why should anyone limit themselves by race? You are segregating yourself and saying things are off limits to you just because you are Black! All of these opportunities have been opened to you and you put up a sign saying "No Blacks Allowed!!!!" I have never had a Black teacher or professor in my life so my educational and professional role models are all White people and many are White men because there are no Black role models available. I look for Black examples of femininity but there aren't many that show the type of femininity I like and I find more examples from Asian and White women. On Tumbler it seems like 98% of the femininity posts are by Asian and White women so I think that says something about who is the most interested in feminine things and becoming more feminine! A starving person should eat whatever they are given and not toss it back because it's not their preferred brand or flavor!!! Stop standing in your own way!

So far in my real life I haven't been treated differently by women because of the way I look and dress and some really like it. But I have to watch out for those who hate femininity and try to not take their comments personally. One thing I have noticed is some men act funny when they hear about my education and career field. They are acting nervous and self-conscious but they still talk to me anyway. That is something that I'll have to deal with and I don't take that personally either. I just have to accept that I won't be able to get along with everyone because of this and due to class differences, the way I talk, the way I write, and my interests and that's okay. I'm an intellectual, girly, geeky, open to new ideas and experiences type of person and I need to find friends and a man who appreciates those things :) Moving on and moving up...keeping my eye on the prize!

UPDATE: The Seductive Woman linked to an article on Mail Online called 'There are downsides to looking this pretty': Why women hate me for being beautiful. I read the article and looked at the attached photos. Okay, now if this woman looked like someone the guys like such as Megan Fox or something I wouldn't be surprised, but this woman? She gets so much free stuff because she's so beautiful? I just find that hard to believe. I'm thinking, if her story is true at all, that it is because of the way she dresses or carries herself and she may be really flirty in some way. People may dislike her for something other than her looks. Maybe she says things that make it sound like she would steal someone's husband. The photos just don't go with the story. No I am not envious of her beauty whatsoever. I'm younger and more attractive but I've never experienced the things she has.