Some White Men's Thoughts on Privilege

I'll be writing a little bit about race today so skip it if you are not in the mood today. Well a straight, White male blogger made a post to explain privilege to other straight, White males and that entry blew up with comments! The article is called "Straight White male: The lowest difficulty setting there is" by John Scalzi. Well isn't this timely given my previous post called "What to do about privilege". The post was written about on another blog by a White male that you can read HERE.

I made a comment on the second blog that I will post below because, as you may know, I don't see the benefit of pointing out privilege to people unless it's supposed to change their behaviour in some way. If the point is to make them vote for, support, and accept social programs and affirmative action, or donate to organizations then it makes sense. But sometimes when I read about privilege it's as though the only intended benefit is to have knowledge of it and be grateful for your life akin to the "clean your plate because starving kids in Africa would be glad to have it" kind of thing (that many Africans find insulting). I think that the readers sense that there is a hidden agenda that will involve them giving to people they don't know and they resent that and think it is unfair (just stating what they have stated so don't shoot the messenger). They feel that they were born into the privilege so they don't owe anyone anything, they have their own struggles, there are Black people who live better than them, and it would be unfair to make them feel guilty just because they are White (and they call that reverse racism...not a fan of that term). This is why they freak out when anyone talks about privilege. As Scalzi mentioned, he knows White people freak out when they hear the word privilege so he used a video game metaphor instead. I would suggest that Black people find another term too because as soon as you call someone privileged or racist they shut don't and are so offended they won't hear the rest of what you want to say.

It may turn into an interesting discussion, but interesting is all it will be since the knowledge isn't linked to action and no matter what anyone says, I'm not going to believe that I'm disadvantaged and a charity case just because I'm Black. I am not a victim who needs to be saved or pitied! I'm hoping that no White men come to this blog and use it to prove, "see a Black person agrees with us" because this is a post meant for Black women. If that happens then I'll just hide the post. I do think SOME White people have things better than SOME Black people, but I think that it's not always the case and agree that a model referring to class (socioeconomic status) would be more acceptable to most people. I can readily admit that I have things better than those who are poor but I refuse to admit that ALL White people have it better than me because I'm Black. How would one explain that I've done so well while many of my elementary, high school, and undergrad White classmates did not? Did I work that much harder, was I smarter, more likable, more organized, more motivated, better connected? Was it because my parents went to university, stressed the importance of education and success, and expected me to achieve? Doesn't it mean that all those things trump race in terms of success so why not focus on the importance of those things instead of race? Seriously, reading about all the disadvantages Black people face is like thinking you are smart and then taking an IQ test and being told, "wow, you have a really low IQ, I'm surprised you can even function among the rest of us". People like me think that we are fine and equal until someone comes along and insists we are not.

Maybe I should not have said anything because many Black people do see themselves as being disadvantaged and think that White people owe them. I'm not going to bother trying to convince anyone of anything though. They can feel that way if they want. It's strange that a lot of conservative Black people have the same opinion about privilege but you know how unpopular they are. I vote liberal though and Canada is a pretty liberal country even with a current conservative government. The government pays for most of health care and half of tuition so we like our social programs. I do actually support social programs because some people, no matter what race, need help. I also support affirmative action so that workplaces are more diverse and to counteract the effect of racist hiring. I have no problem with quota systems or mandated inclusion of minorities in the media either. I strongly approve of the goal of increasing diversity but not by convincing everyone that being Black is a learning disability, mental illness, or pathology (some people are actually trying to do this with something called Willie Lynch Syndrome and Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome).

Anyways, here is my comment from the other blog,

Nice post. This is my opinion, it's not everyone's, I don't want to argue, it is not a condemnation of the post writer (at all). I don't blame him for writing it because so many people are pushing White people to think this way. I wrote about this on my blog a while ago from the point of view where I don't understand the importance of pointing out privilege to people. Maybe it's a U.S. thing or something done when people feel they have been wronged or given fewer opportunities. I don't feel that way but I also live in Canada and have Caribbean parents. 

1) As usual, in the original Scalzi article, he doesn't specify what to do with that knowledge and others like myself have a problem with that. I no longer value knowing many things for the sake of knowing unless I can do something with that information since there are more important things I need to learn. I'm more practical and just want to know what is useful.

It's like if you told me I had a gene that makes everything easier for me than for everyone else would that even change my behaviour? No, I would go on my merry way so I really didn't need to know. Unless straight, White males are expected to act differently after recognizing their privilege then it's useless information.  I think people usually say "examine your privilege" when they want something whether it is a handup, handout, or to be excused for their bad behaviour. Usually these posts end with the call to "do something" to even the playing field (i.e., handout or handup). That's what gets people leery, that they are being pressured to give to others just because they were born White males. They think that is unfair.

 2) I don't like it when Black people constantly point out that being Black is difficult so I definitely don't want White people doing the same thing. Why? Since this is based on race, it makes ALL Black people sound like disadvantaged, burdened, suffering, victims who need to be saved by those with privilege i.e., White men. So many Black people complain that they don't need to be saved (e.g., remember how annoyed people were with Dangerous Minds and Finding Forrester?) and can do it themselves with hard work. I don't want anyone to think that I am burdened or suffering when there are others, of whatever race, living on the street, dying or diseases or in other ways suffering way more than me. I am not a charity case or disabled just because I'm Black. I don't want people to automatically pity me and think I'm incapable of doing what non-Black people can. In the past people thought Black people could not do things due to genetics but talented and hardworking people proved them wrong! Don't tell me people are trying to do the same thing by saying we can't do things because of racism or simply growing up Black!

 3) Hearing everyone say that life is harder for me because I'm Black makes me feel hopeless and I shouldn't even bother trying to have a good life. It makes me fear that all my work is for nothing because I will only get so far. I will of course keep going but I think this thinking keeps many Black people from trying at all. If you tell me that the White, drug addicted, prostitute has life easier than me and people will regard her more highly than me because I'm Black why even bother? It goes against the reality of how I've seen people treated. So as other commenters on the Sclazi article mentioned, I think class and wealth has a major role in who is privileged. I am not a disadvantaged victim because I'm Black. 

 I want to be treated like everyone else not like I'm beneath them in terms of capabilities. That would be condescending and racist right? 

 I forgot, if the purpose is so that White men vote for, support, and accept social programs and Affirmative Action then it makes sense and it is useful to point out their privilege. Otherwise I don't see the point. This agenda should not be hidden though.

New Found Freedom

I haven't made a blog post in a while. I think it's because ever since I shed the burden of "uplifting the race" and decided that I should stay away from commenting on African American issues (because I'm Canadian with parents of Caribbean descent) I haven't been reading or commenting on blog posts the way I used to. Reading and commenting on controversial articles would stir up my emotions and ideas and prompt me to write a flurry of blog posts. The same thing happened when I read feminist articles and I've been staying away from them too.

So now when I read articles I just say to myself that it's American, those things haven't affected my life, and I have no reason to be angry any more than I do about bad things that happen all over the world (and there is no point in being angry all the time about every bad thing). Sometimes I start reading a post and it quickly occurs to me that the person is clearly showing a "victim mentality" or that they embrace the idea that "Black women are handicapped" due to their Blackness and this prevents me from becoming alarmed or feeling personally threatened by racism, poor dating prospects, or the idea that my life will be horrible just because I am Black. My life is going fine and I don't feel threatened so that's why I have shed the victim mentality and handicapped labels that I co-opted from African Americans from the books, blogs, shows, and movies I used to consume on a regular basis. I am Black but my experiences are very different from the one's I was consuming and I don't think it feels good or is really helpful for anyone to feel the way I did. Unfortunately I think it is actually encouraged and thought to be "normal" for Black people in the U.S. to think and feel that way.

I also think to myself that there is no point arguing with someone online about these things because the argument will not change anything anyway. As a result I haven't gotten upset about anything I have read this week and haven't gotten into any online arguments (although that has been rare lately anyway)! I feel so free now! I can read things and not let them put me into a bad mood and cause me to spend hours reading and writing about a topic instead of doing something that would be more beneficial to me.

So now I have more free time to work on self-improvement and I'm going to focus on reading more books and articles on topics that interest me. Right now I'm reading "Men are From Mars, and Women are From Venus" and I will do a review of the book once I am finished (so far it's really good). I am also going to get a library card and I will start reading on a regular basis. I have been spending too much time watching TV and movies on the internet and I want to be doing other things. I'm still on the job hunt and that has to take priority. I'm going to buy that Emily Post etiquette book as soon as possible. I'm going to exercise and just go out more around the city instead of staying home. I need to be more active too. Time to step away more often from the computer, become the best person I can be, and really get out there and live the best life I can!

Some Black Women Are Labeling Themselves "Handicapped"

I'll start off this post with a warning that if you have a physical or mental disability this post may rub you the wrong way so maybe you should skip it. This post is directed towards women like myself who grew up well, have little to complain about, grew up in multicultural areas, and have had pretty good lives. If you did not have the same experience please do not freak out about this post because it was not meant for you. If you have had many difficulties in your life then this post is not about you.

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Last week I was out with friends and we met a nice looking man. He started to speak and it turned out he had a really bad stutter to the point where it took three or four times longer to introduce himself and ask a question than it would take someone without a stutter. When I got home I thought about the man and it got me so upset! I thought about how hard it must be for him to make friends because it was so difficult for him to communicate. I wondered how people treated him and what he was able to do for work. I also worried about what he thought of himself and his future. I felt so sad about it and thought to myself that if I were in his shoes I didn't think I would be able to go on living because it would be too hard, and I probably would not get what I wanted out of life so why bother. I remembered how hard things were for me socially in school and having a stutter like that would have made things even worse. I had no idea how this man could have made it through. 

Flash forward to today when I was reading some blogs and a thought popped into my head, "When non-Black people look at Black people do they feel the same way I did about the stuttering man?" Because of our constant talk about the effects of slavery, racism, and poverty and our need for others to acknowledge these things, do non-Black people consider us to have a physical/mental disability that prevents us from doing what they are able to do? I think this may be true! I do think that some of this disability thinking is due to racism of course because historically racist scientists have promoted the stereotype that Black people are not intelligent. Some of it also has to do with studies that indicate that growing up in an impoverished environment can hinder success and abilities. Another contributor is research that shows the negative impact of stress on people's development and functioning. But on top of these three things there are also Black people who are constantly stating that we are damaged, our lives are more stressful, and life is harder for us than it is for other people! We are endorsing the idea that ALL Black people who are descendants of slaves are damaged and have so much baggage that they are handicapped compared to non-Black people! This mentality is evident whenever someone says they can't/won't/don't/never/only do something because of slavery, racism, or because they are Black.

UPDATE: I am not crazy for noticing this and the fact that it is a problem. This has gotten so out of hand that a researcher is proposing the term Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome to describe this phenomenon! Other Black people are also endorsing the existence of a Willie Lynch syndrome (based on a fake letter!) to explain fighting among Black people! So there you go, Black people are pathologizing themselves and implying that they are suffering from slavery/racism induced illnesses that only affect African Americans. So please go harass those people instead of me because I am against labeling African Americans with these disorders.

Extremes are never good. There is a need to acknowledge slavery/racism/poverty but when we claim that ALL Black people are negatively affected by these things, constantly stressed, hurt, and limited by these things then we are labeling ourselves as handicapped! I understand that the purpose of talking about these things is to bring about change but is it actually helping or hurting Black people now? Black people paint their problems as race-based rather than situation- or individual-based unlike other groups. Other groups have problems but they don't claim that they are due to something historical that has permanently handicapped them (except feminists maybe). I also understand that if some problems are not labelled "Black" then the fear (possibly realistic) is that their problems will be ignored and resources will be diverted to other groups. So I do understand these points but I think that things have gotten to an extreme where many highly functioning Black people are acting and thinking as though they are disabled or victims when they are not. 

Now it is one thing if you actually were abused, grew up impoverished, or actually have a physical or mental disability, but what if you didn't have any of those problems? How could this harm Black girls/women who grew up well and are just as capable as non-White people. Well in school teachers may have lowered expectations and research has shown that when teachers are informed ahead of time that a student has a history of doing poorly then they often grade the student more harshly which continues the history. Conversely, when teachers are informed that a student has a history of doing well (e.g., often assumed of Asian students) then teachers are more likely to give them better grades. The same thing applies when teachers are told that a child gets into trouble. So if Black girls are thought to be disadvantaged then teachers may actually give them lower grades and be harsher about their conduct in school. As we have seen with Black males, many are automatically put into general classes and steered away from college because school staff believe they are unable to do the advanced work other students can do.

This handicapped idea could harm Black women in the workplace. Employers may assume that the potential employee will have difficulty fitting in, there may be a communication problem, behaviour problems, or the woman may be less able to do the job or manage stress compared to a non-Black employee. Because of this the woman may not be hired. If she is hired then the expectations for her may be low, her work may be evaluated more negatively, she may not get promotions because she is assumed to be less capable, coworkers may ascribe behaviour problems to her when there are none, and coworkers may be uncomfortable around her. Coworkers may feel that they have to make special accommodations for "her blackness problem" and they will likely find that inconvenient and unfair because they do not need the same accommodations.

The handicapped idea will also have a negative impact on Black women in regards to dating. Potential suitors may see a Black woman as damaged, carrying too much baggage, being too difficult, and being too different from other women so they choose not to pursue her. They know how to interact with other women but they fear Black women are too different and they will have to make special accommodations for "their Blackness problem". It's as though some of us are saying a man has to have training in how to be with Black women and training in how to cope with "Blackness" before he is qualified to date you! Unless he is trained in how to talk to you, not touch your hair, how to act around other Black people, and how to respond to anything racist then a man would be too inexperienced to cope with your disability (being a man is not enough)! Some men would rather not deal with that and will go for someone who they do not see as being disabled. Why does he need a manual and specialized training to date you and not other women?

I think that if we want to be treated like other women then we have to stop doing things that are so different from them otherwise we will seem handicapped when compared to those women. Other people do not want to deal with these issues, they may accept them for a while out of guilt/sympathy/empathy, but others just won't want to deal with us. I have been VERY GUILTY of labeling myself as handicapped due to Blackness when really I did not grow up impoverished, I had two parents, I was not horribly abused, I experienced limited racism, and like everyone else I was never a slave. I co-opted the anger of other Black people and actually made myself appear handicapped because of that anger, focus on racism, and need to assert my racial-affiliation unlike women of other races. 

These are some of the ways that Black women are making themselves appear handicapped or in need of special treatment/care/accommodations when compared to other women:

• Sensitivity to racism as evidenced by frequent accusations
• Sensitivity to lack of diversity evidenced by constant complaints about it
• Handicapped by feeling less attractive and desirable than other races of women
• Handicapped by only being able to do "Black things" and "keeping it real"
• Difficulty accepting or asking for help because of special independence needs
• Difficulty getting along with non-Black people
• Inability to wear natural hair
• Inability to tolerate hair touching or commentary by non-Black people
• Inability to find a man
• Inability to see non-Black people as attractive, role models, dating partners, or friends
• Predisposition to be overweight because of slavery/poor neighborhoods/genetics/preference
• Predisposition to have a bad attitude caused by constant current/historical mistreatment
• Predisposition to speak poorly due to poverty/keeping it real/hip hop culture
• Inability to exercise due to hair handicap or because "it's for White people"
• Inability to wear feminine clothing because of street harassment/hip hop culture
• Inability to act feminine due to slavery/racism/single moms

Some of the disabilities/limitations on the list can be "cured" by individual women choosing their battles and not complaining all the time about every little thing; being more open in their experiences, activities, and relationships; working on accepting their natural characteristics; engaging in healthy activities that are the norm for other women; trying to be feminine like other women; and trying to improve their lives so that some problems will no longer affect them. Unfortunately, when White women complain about something it becomes a race-less "women's issue" but when Black women complain then it is a "Black issue" and a sign that we are deficient when compared to them. I'm really not sure what to do about this! If we decide to just focus on "women's issues" we know that Black women will be ignored because they will not be the majority who are concerned. I think that it would be helpful if we started labeling some things as "personal issues" that vary from person to person rather than "Black issues" that outsiders will assume we all have. So it helps to have modifiers like "some women", "many women" etc. rather than just saying "Black women have problem X". We all really have to do some deep thinking because maybe some of us actually think we are disabled and that is holding us back from really enjoying our lives and being out best selves.

Victim Mentality may be Limiting Your Potentential

VERY CONTROVERSIAL POST! Please read some or all of these articles before you read this post so that you don't get unnecessarily upset. Thank you. 
Victim mentality (great!)
The victim mentality (great!)
How to break out of the victim mentality: 7 powerful steps
Victim mentality (very good)
Victim mentality
Overcome victim mentality
Avoiding victim mentality (harsh but true)
Racism and the Myth of Victim Mentality by Tim Wise. While I agree with some of it I also disagree with some of it probably because the examples were so simplified. Of course it is necessary to talk to Black people about racism and warn them about it. But it can be harmful for a person to look at photos of lynchings, read hate literature, or read detailed descriptions of slaves being tortured and raped. Those things can permanently change the way a person views the world. Constant exposure to such things can be taxing and depressing. So I believe some discussion of racism is fine and necessary like Tim Wise but I also agree with the conservatives that too much can cause victim mentality in Black people. He also ignores the scientific research behind the concept.

“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”

Richard Bach

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

John W. Gardner

About five years ago I bought the book "Roots" by Alex Haley at a thrift shop and I read it. It was the first Black history book I had ever read. I feel that reading it was traumatic! The detail of the horrible tortures of Kunta Kinte, his daughter Kizzie, and all of the other slaves was so awful. It was hard to imagine that anyone could be so brutal and think that they were good people at the same time. It was horrifying and I cried A LOT! It changed me and it was almost like something inside me died for about three years. After that I started reading other Black history books and became more and more angry and hopeless about the plight of Black people. I decided to stop relaxing my hair and I stopped listening to music from White musicians. I started reading Black blogs exclusively and decided I should no longer be attracted to White men and that I would only date Black men. I joined an online Black activism group where everyone constantly talked about racism and fighting "the evil White man". In school I wrote papers about racism and constantly talked about Black history and racism. I was suspicious and possibly hostile to some White people. This was because I was so angry about the injustice and I wanted someone to pay for it. When things did not go well for me in school I wondered if it was because of racism. I thought retrospectively about my life and wondered if other negative things in my life happened because of racism and just because I was Black. I thought my future goals would never actually happen because some racist would stand in my way.

Now, five years later I realize that I took on a victim mentality and this was welcomed by other people with the same mentality online. A person with a victim mentality believes that the bad things in their life happened because of other people or forces over which they have no control. They do not feel responsible for things that happen in their lives because someone else is to blame. Due to this mentality they don't feel the need to change anything about themselves or do anything different other than focusing on the person who victimized them. Prior to this unhappy time I wasn't very happy and I did have some victimization beliefs but at the same time I was high achieving and I worked hard for what I wanted. So I had internal motivation, the external motivation of my parents, and some beliefs that I was "cursed" and that life was just harder for me. My Black history immersion, constant reading of Black activism blogs, and frequent online interactions with other people with victim mentalities threw me over the edge. It was fortunate for me that I didn't totally sabotage myself by ruining relationships with all the White people I knew by starting arguments or accusing people of racism when there was none. I'm glad I didn't decide to quit "the White man's education system", remove myself from mainstream society, and join some all-Black activist group. I left that mindset behind and I no longer feel like a victim (most of the time, I still have to watch out for it).

I think that many Black people may be sabotaging themselves because they spend so much time and energy hating White people and expecting an apology for things they are not directly responsible for. They are also too wrapped up in hopes that Black people will somehow take over and come into power the way they were in ancient Africa and somehow that will rectify past injustices. When anyone suggests things these people can do to improve their lives they say (emphatically) that "Black people have no power", "I don't have to change anything because White people caused the problem", or "our lives won't improve until White people stop being racist". This is so frustrating! Although my victim mentality was high, I still had a lot of personal agency, I made plans, worked hard, accepted setbacks, and tried again. I'm sure that these people must have some personal agency in their lives but maybe they just don't see it or want to admit it. What I want to know is if White people apologize for racism what happens then? Even if they were to give all Black Americans $1000 in reparations, what happens after that? What are you going to do then to make your life better? This blog is my way to cope with that question. White people don't have to apologize, give me reparations, or do anything before I can use my power to shape my life and live the best life I can.

Acknowledgement: I readily admit that I may be too middle class and educated/intellectual to really understand how many people are feeling about this issue. I might be "out of touch" but these are my opinions nonetheless. It may actually be helpful for others to hear how someone like me sincerely thinks and that Black people actually differ in opinion. I'm finding that I'm actually agreeing with a lot of what conservatives are saying about this issue and the progressives are looking illogical to me. I guess I have to face the sobering fact that I have always had some conservative values and although I consider myself to be a liberal, I'm becoming more conservative the older I get (*sigh*). I guess when crimes happen I don't focus on them because that's the job of the police and the courts so I don't concern myself with who did what etc. because what's the post of speculating on events that I did not witness? Instead I focus on something I find intriguing about people's behaviour (and their choices) and my reaction to that behaviour; something I can actually examine and potentially change. So here it is... I think that the public reaction to the Trayvon Martin case is maybe the largest, international instance of victim mentality I have ever witnessed! Not only are people dressing like the victim and purchasing his preferred drink and candy but they are actually saying "I am Trayvon"!!! They feel like their sons, brothers, husbands, and even themselves have been murdered or they are at risk for being murdered! Every Black man who has ever been harassed by police or treated poorly by White people is immersed in victim mentality right now. They feel as though they have been assaulted and that they are next to die! They sound very afraid, sad, worried, and helpless about protecting themselves from outside forces.

If someone suggests that these men are more likely to be shot by a Black person than a White person so why worry about White people they call that trying to ignore or excuse racism (I GUARANTEE they will say this). If you suggest maybe they should not dress like gangsters because it scares people they insist the scared people are racist and need to stop being scared. If you suggest anything that involves improving themselves they resist and insist that White people and society needs to change first. Don't even try to ask why they only get outraged after the rare instance when a White person kills a Black person and why they don't try to improve black communities to prevent Black-on-Black crime. Or that rap music has made people afraid of Black men and it makes black men look like aggressive criminals. They won't listen. Fighting racism (if that's even possible. Maybe it can be prevented in children but a true racist won't change just because their hated group tells them it's wrong) is a long-term thing but what are they going to do in the meantime? I think the answer is that they won't be doing anything different.

People are also saying that asking Black men to not dress like gangsters to avoid looking suspicious is the same as asking women to not wear short skirts to avoid getting raped. Well, part of victim mentality is feeling powerless and never looking at your own behaviour in a situation so I guess they are right. Taking on the victim role has it's advantages for people so they don't feel bad after they are victimized but unfortunately there is no place for personal responsibility or taking safety measures with this mindset. Feeling empowered that you control your life, that your power can help you overcome any bad thing that happens to you, and that you can have control of your life again also feels really good too! You have to choose whether you see yourself as having power or not and accept the consequences that choice may have for you mentally. If you want to change your victim mentality you can seek help from a professional or read articles like the ones posted above. I hope you can break out of this mindset.

Alternative views on Trayvon Martin case:
Why Geraldo was wrong for the right reasons (this what what I thought about Geraldo's comments)
Call it 'profiling' but people act on their assumptions
Geraldo and hoodies
Dissecting Geraldo Rivera's hoodie comment
How to talk to young Black boys about Trayvon Martin
Criminals give hoodies a bad rap
The hoodie: Fashion trend, criminal uniform, now symbol of social injustice
LAPD: In stores, keep hoodie on, but lower the hood

Contradictions and Dangerous Messages

Things have become so twisted! Things that were once considered "common sense, "normal", and "reasonable" are regarded as abnormal and totally untrue by many Western people. I think that if you want to save yourself, succeed, and live a great life you need to limit your interactions to people who have the same viewpoints and only listen to advice from people who are actually successful and leading great lives. We need to only listen to the advice of successful and happy people who have achieved what we want or value the things we want to achieve.

Anyone else is a confusing distraction that may derail your common sense and stop you from protecting yourself. I don't think the people who make the suspect/hypocritical comments are malicious or stupid. I just think that when you are swimming in the mess it is too stressful and emotional to see the easier way out. Sticking to self-defeating and hypocritical beliefs is a defense mechanism to protect their self-esteem. Some of them will eventually figure out how to get out of their own way but unfortunately many will not. Please take the time to think about the major choices you make in your life, the reasons why you made the choice (they may be unconscious and impossible to know unfortunately), the benefits, and the drawbacks. Only after thorough introspection can you decide to change or stay the same. Whatever you decide, you are responsible for your choice and must live with the positive or negative consequences. You have choices!

We can choose to be whatever women we want to be and I thank Feminism for that. There is no lifestyle or fashion choice that does not  make a statement or trigger stereotypes in other people and this is largely beyond their control. Whatever choice you make there will be consequences that may be unpleasant and unfair. Your desire to be free of judgement/harm is not a protective bubble that can shield you from that judgment/harm. Choose wisely and put your safety above your need to not offend others because you are ultimately the only one responsible for your own safety. Failing to protect yourself will end up hurting you more than anyone else. Focus on the things you can actually control and you can control many things in your life.

If the following public statements below are said in Western countries (especially in the Black community) the speaker may be called a stupid idiot who can not think for themselves, a mindless tool of patriarchy, or a white-washed sell-out when to me they are just normal things or common sense:

A. "I only wear dresses."  -said by woman in vintage dress, found in a tiny thrift store, that no one else in the room is wearing.
"Why are you such a mindless follower? A woman can wear anything she wants now!" -said by woman in jeans and T-shirt, bought at WalMart, dressed like everyone else in the room.

B. "I really want to get married."
"There is no reason to get married it's 2012!" -Note that wanting to get married and getting married has been THE NORM all over the world for hundreds of years yet it is dismissed as useless. People have been doing something for hundreds of years for no good reason and it has never benefited anyone?

C. "I really want to have children."
"Women were not put on this earth to be baby factories!" -The only way to continue the human race is to produce children, it is the only way to pass on your genes, and women are the only people capable of giving birth. You can opt out but someone has to do it. Should your mother have opted out?

D. "Education is very important to me and there are many benefits of an education." - said by woman with Master's degree who's parents both have degrees.
"Institutionalized education is useless. Street knowledge is more important. Your education means nothing to me and anyone who wastes time with that is stupid" -said by man with no university education, who's parents never went to university, asking the woman for a date. Why are you judging the value of something you have NO EXPERIENCE with? Why would she want someone who thinks she's stupid and doesn't have the same values?

E. "I like doing things to please my man and he really appreciates it." -said by woman in happy relationship.
"You shouldn't have to do anything to please anyone else! Just be yourself!" - said by woman who's last boyfriend dumped her because she had a bad attitude, constantly started arguments, and said she did not need him." Why exactly would someone be with you when the experience is miserable instead of pleasurable?

F. "I want to lose some weight so that I can be more attractive, become healthier, and live a long life." -said by woman who is 20 pounds overweight according to medical standards.

"You can be fit and fat. Big can be beautiful so you shouldn't do anything!" -sadly said by obese woman, struggling with high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, difficulty walking, and low self-esteem.

G. "I refuse to listen to hip hop music because it degrades Black men and women and spreads negative stereotypes about us." -said by man in business suit listening to Maxwell (neo soul).

"You are a sell-out! You hate Black people! You are a tool of the racist White man!" -says man blaring music lyrics calling women "h***", men "n******", bragging about the respect one gets for being a "gangsta" (i.e., criminal), produced by Sony (White owned company). Listening to and buying hip hop and dressing like a "gangsta" is a great way to help Black people and reduce stereotyping? I guess we should forget about showing the world we are intelligent, educated, law-abiding, moral, respectable, friendly, easy to get along with and JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? Silly me, I forgot that we aren't supposed to do anything that would please anyone else even if these qualities are considered NORMAL, DESIRABLE to society, and BENEFICIAL to those possessing these qualities.

H. "You just have to ignore the negativity, focus on achieving your success goals using the resources that are available to you, and protect yourself from harm the best you can." -said by man with successful, self-started business that used his earnings to move to a crime-free neighborhood.

"There is nothing an individual can do. The world is against us. We need to pressure other people to sacrifice their own well-being to save us because it is their fault we are here. We can not save or protect ourselves so we should not even try to." -sadly said by Black and Feminist activists demanding empowerment. What if everyone refuses to save or protect us? What should we do then?