An EBW is NOT a Strong Independent Black Woman

Today I am posting a video that perfectly explains the reasons why Black women are doing themselves a disservice by calling themselves "Strong Independent Black Women" (see my earlier post about Black women needing to change the way we define ourselves). This term has become associated with negative traits like 'neck-rolling', being loud, demanding, controlling, argumentative, and masculine. We need to stop using this term and just try to be the best women we can be without the labels.

Misleading Statistics About Black Women

We have all heard the misleading statistics about Black women that the media has been feasting on for the past few years. I have only heard these statistics for African American women (I'm Canadian) and I don't even know if studies like this exist in Canada (I'll have to look around). Here are some widely spread statistics and why reporting them is VERY misleading.

• 70% of Black women are single: This statistic has been awful for Black women and has started a finger-pointing war between Black men and women trying to explain the cause. The problem with this statistic is that it includes lesbian women who often can not get married, common-law relationships, women with boyfriends, women who are engaged, women who are divorced, women who are widowed, and women who do not want to be married right now! It is highly inflated! The media has spun this into a PROBLEM with Black women, Black men, and the Black community that requires individuals to change. It has caused widespread criticism of Black women who focused on their careers and degrees causing them to panic that they will never be married. This Oprah Video focuses on why women are single not the validity of the statistic and was a bad move on Oprah's part! Here is a Great Video Critique of this statistic(warning foul language).

• 42% of Black women have never been married compared to 23% of White women: 42% unmarried is better than the 70% single statistic, but the way it has been reported is just as problematic (for instance in this Nightline Report and B-NET). First of all, they only report the statistic when compared to White women! If they were honest they would also report that 41% of Black men have never been married and Black women tend to marry Black men! Based on this it just seems Black people deciding to stay unmarried. Instead, the media has focused on the unavailability of Black men who are the equals to successful Black women (and they never forget to report their unemployment rates, incarceration rates, and high school drop out rates). On the other hand, Black men have focused on criticizing Black women for their independence, dating standards, femininity, weight, hair, and attitude and all the reasons why they think other races of women are better. Watch this Great Video Commentary about this statistic (warning there is foul language).
• Why doesn't the media report how many of those White marriages were young, starter marriages that have ended in divorce? Is it better to rush into a marriage that is uncertain or wait until an older age when one's life is more stable? What about reporting how many times White women marry compared to Black women? That could show White women tend to marry younger and multiple times (like Elizabeth Taylor) while Black women wait and only have to marry once or twice. Does the number of times you marry really show how desirable you are or do these women just demand it more or find men who rush into things the same way they do?

• 70% of African American children are born our of wedlock: The biggest problem with this statistic is that people have used it as a criticism of single mothers (read this critique from The Atlantic and P.a.p.-Blog). The statistic does not explain if many of these babies are born to TWO loving parents who just happen to not be married. If you look at the 42% statistic above that shows Black couples are not getting married, then the babies they have will be out of wedlock. But this doesn't mean the father is not around, the mother was irresponsible, or the baby wasn't planned! Married Black women are also having fewer kids and this inflates the statistic. This statistic is problematic because it is a snapshot in time. It does not account for the many couples who get pregnant and decide to have a wedding after the birth (often when the woman is happier with her weight). White couples tend to marry more, fewer of their children are born out of wedlock, and maybe more of them rush to marry before the baby is born. This is not to say that there are some Black men who are not caring for their children, but this statistic does not identify the role of the father in the child's life. BlackVoices uses this to point at unwed Black mothers and reports some disturbing statistics (but I think they can all be explained by poverty and they are also misleading) and BNET provides opinion about American absentee fathers.
• Black women are the least desirable on online dating sites: This ridiculous finding has been reported but it is based on OkCupid, one online site, where 74% of the members are White! So if you join this site, you are likely looking for a White partner. If you wanted someone Black you would go to a Black dating site! This article from the Freakonomics Webiste (where they should know better) and ReadWriteWeb repeat the mantra that Black women can't find a partner. Read THIS ARTICLE for an interesting analysis of the data that changes the results. Furthermore, there is no objective rating of the actual attractiveness of the profiles. It could just be that the Black women on OKCupid are not physically attractive or their profiles are bad, but you can not generalize that ALL Black women are unattractive! It also doesn't mention how quickly members respond because maybe Black women take their time. Asian and White girls may respond quickly and frequently send flirty messages while Black women do not. Maybe men only send messages to women they think they can actually get and I have heard even average White men have no problem attracting Asian women but I have not heard the same for Black women. But above all this, no one ASKED the members why they chose to respond to some people over others because that is the only way you will know if it was due to attractiveness and not something else. You can not generalize the attractiveness of millions of Black women based on ONE online dating site were most members are White!

I hope that after reading this post some Black women feel better about themselves and have a more discerning eye when it comes to these statistics. The media is not a friend to Black women or Black people in general and they love to make us look bad. They will stop reporting things like this if we stop reading these articles and commenting on them! 

EBWs Must Change the Words they use to Define Themselves

The way you define yourself will determine how others define you. This also includes the way you define yourself in your own head because that affects the way you carry yourself. The words you speak will have the same effect. These are some things we must stop saying immediately because they are not helping us and they have developed negative connotations.

• Don't call yourself independent. You can be independent and enjoy it, and you don't have to call yourself needy; just don't use the word. If you use this term men will think you do not need them and they will not seek relationships with you. Friends, family, and coworkers may be reluctant to offer help when you are struggling. You will find it hard to ask for help if you actually need it to make your life easier. You may have used this term to avoid getting hurt,  but you are setting yourself up to be alone when that is not what you really want.  NEVER say you don't need a man or anyone else in your life or that is exactly what you will get! People might also assume that you have been single for a long time or you are a loner and these things are turn-offs. This term will help your resume but not your love life. 
• Don't call yourself strong. This term is related to independent in it's negative connotations. I've even heard men online voicing their disdain for "Strong Black Women". Why label yourself with something that can be an instant turn-off? Being strong has masculine connotations and men you date and others may treat you harshly because they think you can take it. Because you are so strong they won't bother to treat you like the delicate flower you are. You can be strong and keep your head up no matter what misfortunes you encounter, just don't go around telling people you are strong or weak. Use other terms to describe yourself. Furthermore, if you describe yourself as strong they may assume you have had a hard life and many people avoid those with "baggage". In fact, online this term seems to be synonymous with "single Black mother". 
• Don't call yourself a diva. Nowadays I only hear this term used by Black women or the media when referring to pop stars who are impossible to please. If you call yourself a diva men will run because they will assume you have an attitude, you have temper tantrums, you will never be satisfied, you have impossible standards, and you lead an exorbitant lifestyle that they can not afford. The reputation of the  "angry Black woman" has been spread around the world and it needs to stop!  A diva is a nice way to say b**** but it means the same thing! Don't go around calling yourself b**** either by the way.
• Don't call yourself "hood", "street", "ghetto", or "ghettofabulous". These terms will only be attractive to other people who describe themselves in the same way. These terms are not attractive to gentlemen, professional people, or people who do not want drama or the negative things associated with the "hood". It doesn't matter if you grew up poor in a bad neighborhood, it just doesn't help you to advertise it. Be proud of what you have done with your life but don't give others any reason to discriminate against you. 

If you have screen names or you are online dating, do not use these terms in your screen name or your profiles if you want to attract a gentleman who is worthy of you. Think about the way women of other races describe themselves. Would a kawaii Japanese woman describe herself as independent, strong, a diva, or ghetto? Never! Think about your positive, feminine qualities and use them to describe yourself and refer to yourself in your own mind and try to live up to the labels. The way we think about ourselves has a definite effect on the way we behave and the way others treat us. Changing the way you define yourself is like an instant makeover!

P.S. I could also use feminist to this list because that scares men off like the plague. But as I said in an earlier post, you can believe in women's rights and strive to uphold them, but you don't have to label yourself a feminist to do so. I find that some people will shut themselves off to whatever you say if you use this term so it's counterproductive.

The Elegance of Claire Huxtable

Did you read "Whatever Happened to Class?" on Blackvoices? The article refers to the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Nene Leakes, Basketball Wives and other reality shows that are devoid of classy women. Yes, the Black women on these shows have money, and they dress well, but their behaviour is no where near classy or becoming of an EBW.

The article made me think about Black female characters who are (or were) classy and their perfect example was Claire Huxtable of the Cosby Show played by the beautiful Phylicia Rashad. Just take a look at this woman! On the Cosby show she was always classy, feminine, graceful, poised, and elegant. She was educated, had a job as a lawyer, and she was a dedicated wife and mother. She was a superwoman! Claire Huxtable showed strength and composure but she was also fun. She was very sexy while showing modesty in her dress. I recently saw her in the the movie "For Colored Girls" and she still exudes elegance. You may also want to read this article about Claire Huxtable as the "perfect woman".

I know, I know, the Cosby Show was fictional and no one really had such a great life like that, but that show provided much better role models than today's reality trash shows. The class and elegance Phylicia Rashad showed also appears to be genuine. Really, do Black women on today's reality shows inspire you to be a good person, get an education, or work hard? Or do they inspire you to be a golddigger, marry a rich athlete, and then use his money to start a fashion line or write a book? Do you think today's reality shows are helping our image around the world? I don't. From now on I'm going to strive to be like Claire Huxtable even though that's fairly impossible, I'm still going to try (before I do something I might even ask myself, "What would Clair Huxtable do?" wink). I think that we can all strive to be more like Claire Huxtable and less like Nene Leakes!

I'll leave you with a quote from the article: 

Class was once considered the essential attribute of womanhood, particularly in African-American communities where your racial background already marked you at a lower social standing and status in society. 

Should an Elegant Black Woman be Able to Cook?

"A good cook is a sorceress who dispenses happiness." Elsa Schiapirelli

"Some people like to paint pictures, or do gardening, or build a boat in the basement. Other people get a tremendous pleasure out of the kitchen, because cooking is just as creative and imaginative an activity as drawing, or wood carving, or music." Julia Child

"Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy. And cooking done with care is an act of love." Craig Claiborne, Kitchen Primer

"Cooking is an art and patience a virtue... Careful shopping, fresh ingredients and an unhurried approach are nearly all you need. There is one more thing - love. Love for food and love for those you invite to your table. With a combination of these things you can be an artist - not perhaps in the representational style of a Dutch master, but rather more like Gauguin, the naïve, or Van Gogh, the impressionist. Plates or pictures of sunshine taste of happiness and love." Keith Floyd, ‘A Feast of Floyd’

Since starting this blog I have changed my thoughts about cooking. For years I dreaded the thought of being "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen"; I reasoned that if I didn't cook well then that would never happen. I also thought that if I could cook well then my man would require it all the time. Well, I don't plan to be a housewife and I don't plan to cook all the time...so should I learn anyway? I should add that I can cook for myself, but I like plain, healthy meals with low salt and fat, but I don't tend to do recipes and make big meals. So I don't think I cook things that most people (who are not watching their weight) would like.

I realize now that there are good reasons to learn how to cook:

1. Cooking your own food will lower your risk for obesity. Restaurant portions are too big and the food is full of calories, salt, sugar, and fat. Eating out, especially at fast food restaurants, is a health risk (anyone remember "Supersize Me"). You need to be in control of the calories you consume and stick to the recommended serving sizes. If you prepare your own food then you can keep your meals healthy and keep your family healthy.
2. Cooking your own food will save you money. Eating out and buying ready-made meals at the supermarket is expensive. If you purchase the individual ingredients and make your own meals you will save money and you will be able to make multiple meals with the same ingredients.
3. Cooking your own food will limit your exposure to preservatives and bad ingredients. Fast food and processed foods are full of preservatives like nitrates that are bad for your health. Some high sugar processed foods can actually be addictive. Fortunately, you can buy organic or unprocessed foods at the supermarket.
4. Cooking your own food can be a fun hobby. Cooking well is a skill that is valuable in women AND men. It takes talent and knowledge. Learning and trying new recipes can be a fun and creative diversion. If you are watching your weight it can also change your relationship with food so that you focus on cooking rather than eating. No one complains about anyone being too good a cook!
5. Cooking is a way to show others you care. If you cook great meals then your man and your kids will be happy to come home. They will be excited when holiday dinners and special occasions come around. You can keep your family close by preparing delicious meals together, sitting down at the table, and talking about your day. This is a great way for parents to spend more quality time with their kids. If you are a good cook, your extended family and friends will love coming over for holidays and dinner parties and you can impress them with your skills. Even your mother-in-law might like you!
6. Cooking makes you more attractive to men. We have all heard that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach so why not use that to make yourself more attractive? Many men list 'ability to cook' as an attractive quality in a woman (women appreciate a man who can cook too). Some women don't learn to cook because it is a traditional feminine role. But love of food is universal and you will be enjoying the meal too!  Plus, I am not saying you need to make a four-course meal every night. Perhaps you and your man (and your kids) can spend quality time preparing meals together so that he is involved in the work and does not expect you to do everything. The rest of the family should also help with the cleaning. You can also prepare most of the basic ingredients on the weekend (meat, rice, chopped vegetables etc.), and just heat or cook things together quickly during the week to save time. Cooking for an hour or less per night is adequate and there are cookbooks with quick recipes to give you ideas.

I have decided that once I get a stove and oven I will try out recipes and improve my cooking skills. I will use online healthy recipes and try new things. I think cooking is an asset that is necessary to maintain your health and it is so very attractive and delicious too!