Empathy, Kindness, Hostility, and Being Strong

I wonder about people sometimes. Actually I wonder about them all the time. Sometimes I wonder why in the world did I devote so much of my life, and choose a career that involves helping people, when sometimes I just hate people and wish they would fall off a cliff?

Then I think back to my values and the idea that taking and receiving throughout one's life and never giving back is selfish and it makes someone pretty much a parasite on the back of humanity. I think about my younger years when I thought that helping others was noble and that the ideal occupation is one where you help others to better their lives. I remember empathy, the Golden Rule, and the internalized value that I must treat others the way I would like to be treated:


The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim, ethical code, or morality that essentially states either of the following:
(Positive form of Golden Rule): One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.
(Negative form of Golden Rule): One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated.

Empathy
1. the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feelings  
2. the attribution to an object, such as a work of art, of one's own emotional or intellectual feelings about it

In my opinion, I think about being empathetic a lot. I think about how the other person will react to what I am saying. I think about whether the person will feel disrespected. I don't assume that they are super strong or confident, and actually to be on the safe side I assume that they are not. That way I treat them more delicately than others might. This is because I concern myself with those who are more vulnerable since those who are strong can handle most things. 

What I wonder though is if there are enough people doing the same thing. I think there may be too many people, online especially, who are very "strong". By strong I mean hardened or cold by nature or perhaps due to being constantly treated without empathy. These people have always been able to take more than others or they developed a hard shell to protect them from the world's harshness. They are harder than most other people and expect others to be as strong as they are. If one can not handle the same levels of disrespect, criticism, abuse, neglect, insults, or ridicule then strong people may call you "weak, childish, useless, ignorant, immature" and other belittling comments. It's like someone who can easily lift 200 pounds ridiculing the average person who can not do so. The strong people do not realize that their level of tolerance is way higher than everyone else's and they should not be comparing themselves to most other people. 

How does this affect empathy? Well have you ever noticed that some people who grow up in nurturing and responsive environments tend to be more nurturing and responsive to others? Have you also noticed that those who grow up rough may treat other people roughly? They scoff when others are unable to tolerate the same living conditions and call those people "weak". I think these strong people need to check themselves and figure out if their capacity to empathize has been thrown off due to their unique nature or life experiences. What they believe is tolerable may actually be intolerable to the average person. When one's capacity to empathize is out of whack one can appear mean, cruel, disrespectful, insulting, hostile, aggressive, impatient, and really insensitive. 

These people do not consider that others can not tolerate what they can and instead insist that others simply tolerate more, sometimes instantly! They look down with supercilious disdain, contempt, and even disgust  for those of lower tolerance. They say, "get a tougher skin", "get some backbone", "toughen up", "you're too weak", "grow up" etc., sometimes with an implied kick while the person is already down. I wonder if they ever take a look in the mirror and wonder what happened to their empathy? How do they allow themselves to be so cruel and why do they take pleasure in that cruelty? Why are they unable to place themselves in someone else's shoes and say something kind and helpful? Do they ever take into account evidence that others are not as strong as they are by choosing to be less harsh? Or do they just insist that they are the ideal and there must be zero tolerance for anyone who is not as strong as they are? Are they completely unable to think of a time when they themselves were less strong and would have benefited from more kindness? 

It's kind of sad wondering what happened to these people to make them so hard and unable to be empathetic to those who are not as strong. Hardness and lack of empathy is especially unpleasant and unusual in women. I think that the way we treat those weaker than ourselves is an important indicator of one's good character and humanity. How you treat others says something about who you are on a deep level. I think the world would benefit from some more humanity. Please be kind to others even those different from yourself. Remember, the day may come when you too are down. It may be one of us, who have been there before, that will help to pick you back up :)

Should an Elegant Black Woman be a Pleaser or a Giver?

I just read a great new post on the Feminine Woman called Pleaser Woman Always Lose Out-The Difference Between Pleasing and Giving! Please read the article so that you understand the rest of this post. The main point I got from the article is that "Pleaser Women" do things out of fear of losing their partner or other people and "Giver Women"  do things because they can afford to be generous (in terms of internal resources). People don't respect pleaser women and they are often manipulated.

If you have read "He's Just Not That Into You" or "The Rules", the Pleaser Woman is the woman who waits by the phone for her man, drops everything and runs over to his place whenever he wants, and has no life or plans of her own. She gives everything often to her detriment. People lose respect for this woman because they know she will do whatever they want and will probably be there no matter what. This woman is too available and easy to get so she is not a challenge for men and they don't want to keep her (she has sex too quickly in order to please or keep the man). This is the type of woman who gives her children everything they want so they end up dependent or spoiled.

The Giver Woman is busy doing things with her life and she fits in giving when she can. Because she has her own life men want to commit to her so that they can have some of that valuable time. They can not take advantage of her because she has enough internal and external resources to live without the man so they behave better. Sometimes what she gives may not be what the other person wants (e.g., honest opinions), but it's what they need! This woman is hard to get so the man must pursue her and wants to win her, often with marriage (she delays having sex until the time is right and the man develops respect and love for her). This is the type of woman who gives her children what they need, not always what they want, so that they can be independent and dependent enough to be well-rounded.

Givers tend to be strong and independent women though, the very women some men are complaining about! They key is to not say you are strong and independent, tell people you don't need them, or flaunt your independence or resources. You just live your life and achieve your goals without the labels. Good men want this, they will cherish their time with you, and they will appreciate their time alone or with their friends.

Pleasers don't tend to be strong and independent because they put everyone's wants before their own. Some men say this is what they want (i.e., a 'submissive' woman who speaks only when she is spoken to, let's the man lead her life, lives to serve her man) but you don't want a man who likes this! He will want to control you and have you at his beck and call! Some men will like it at first, but after a while they will lose respect for you and possibly take advantage of you. It won't benefit you in the long run.

In the past I was a pleaser, but after reading these books a few years ago I became a giver, and I am much happier with myself. I think an Elegant Black Woman should be a giver and that will also make her a keeper to others!

EBWs Must Change the Words they use to Define Themselves

The way you define yourself will determine how others define you. This also includes the way you define yourself in your own head because that affects the way you carry yourself. The words you speak will have the same effect. These are some things we must stop saying immediately because they are not helping us and they have developed negative connotations.

• Don't call yourself independent. You can be independent and enjoy it, and you don't have to call yourself needy; just don't use the word. If you use this term men will think you do not need them and they will not seek relationships with you. Friends, family, and coworkers may be reluctant to offer help when you are struggling. You will find it hard to ask for help if you actually need it to make your life easier. You may have used this term to avoid getting hurt,  but you are setting yourself up to be alone when that is not what you really want.  NEVER say you don't need a man or anyone else in your life or that is exactly what you will get! People might also assume that you have been single for a long time or you are a loner and these things are turn-offs. This term will help your resume but not your love life. 
• Don't call yourself strong. This term is related to independent in it's negative connotations. I've even heard men online voicing their disdain for "Strong Black Women". Why label yourself with something that can be an instant turn-off? Being strong has masculine connotations and men you date and others may treat you harshly because they think you can take it. Because you are so strong they won't bother to treat you like the delicate flower you are. You can be strong and keep your head up no matter what misfortunes you encounter, just don't go around telling people you are strong or weak. Use other terms to describe yourself. Furthermore, if you describe yourself as strong they may assume you have had a hard life and many people avoid those with "baggage". In fact, online this term seems to be synonymous with "single Black mother". 
• Don't call yourself a diva. Nowadays I only hear this term used by Black women or the media when referring to pop stars who are impossible to please. If you call yourself a diva men will run because they will assume you have an attitude, you have temper tantrums, you will never be satisfied, you have impossible standards, and you lead an exorbitant lifestyle that they can not afford. The reputation of the  "angry Black woman" has been spread around the world and it needs to stop!  A diva is a nice way to say b**** but it means the same thing! Don't go around calling yourself b**** either by the way.
• Don't call yourself "hood", "street", "ghetto", or "ghettofabulous". These terms will only be attractive to other people who describe themselves in the same way. These terms are not attractive to gentlemen, professional people, or people who do not want drama or the negative things associated with the "hood". It doesn't matter if you grew up poor in a bad neighborhood, it just doesn't help you to advertise it. Be proud of what you have done with your life but don't give others any reason to discriminate against you. 

If you have screen names or you are online dating, do not use these terms in your screen name or your profiles if you want to attract a gentleman who is worthy of you. Think about the way women of other races describe themselves. Would a kawaii Japanese woman describe herself as independent, strong, a diva, or ghetto? Never! Think about your positive, feminine qualities and use them to describe yourself and refer to yourself in your own mind and try to live up to the labels. The way we think about ourselves has a definite effect on the way we behave and the way others treat us. Changing the way you define yourself is like an instant makeover!

P.S. I could also use feminist to this list because that scares men off like the plague. But as I said in an earlier post, you can believe in women's rights and strive to uphold them, but you don't have to label yourself a feminist to do so. I find that some people will shut themselves off to whatever you say if you use this term so it's counterproductive.