I Will Never Be Ashamed of My Personal Goals

Sometimes you have have to laugh at how much you underestimate yourself. I was looking at 43Things.com and then I read another good article on Pick the Brain about How to Create Your Self-Improvement Plan. It just made me laugh because 43Things is a site where over 3 million people set goals to either improve themselves, experience something (that they feel will make them happy thus improving their life), or learn something (that again will make them happy in some way improving their lives). People vary in what they set as goals but the point is that they have things they want to achieve and they are not just sitting back and waiting for life to happen! They decide on the type of person and the type of experiences they want and take steps to achieve their goals. This is NORMAL. People who have no goals or just let life happen to them are, in my opinion, abnormal or so burdened or preoccupied that they don't have the option of making personal goals. I'm highly doubtful though that those people don't have dreams and aspirations they would attempt if they had the chance.

Just take a look at the site and look at all the various goals people want to achieve. They range from 'visiting New Zealand' and 'learning to draw Manga' to 'earning $100,000 a year' and 'completing a triathlon'. Some goals are trivial like 'learning to make tamales', some are admirable like 'appreciate my parents', and others are really high aspirations like 'save a life'. So when people look at my goal to be more feminine, have excellent manners (better than average), carry myself like a lady, get married to a prestigious man, have children etc. I just have to laugh because not only do other people share these goals, but they are not as trivial or strange and many I've seen! Plus, I don't think those with trivial goals are bad people, ignorant, self-hating, vapid etc. because they usually have some substantial goals along with the trivial ones and they may have already achieved more meaningful things. People having different goals, interests, likes, dislikes, and opinions is what makes the world interesting!

The blog and becoming an EBW is a hobby that could actually benefit my social interactions and improve my appearance but I have other goals and interests. This is no different from someone who wants to lose weight, fix their teeth, learn another language, grow their hair long, get a tattoo etc. which are all unnecessary things but the individual believes they will bring some benefit. These people could listen to the advice "you are good just the way you are", "you are trying to be something you aren't", "your willingness to change shows you hate yourself and think you are inferior" but most people don't have such attitudes about self-improvement, trying new things, or making personal changes. Who cares if it isn't hurting anyone? Unless that person has a lot of power over others and their personal goals somehow hurt those people, or they are actually harming the individual (in that case they will probably stop without you lol), an individuals interests shouldn't bother anyone.

It makes me wonder about those who are so opposed...have they never tried to change themselves in any way? Don't they have any goals? Why is my hobby and interest so offensive to you compared to others? I think the problem is that such critics are not putting things in perspective and they are exaggerating the importance of goals like mine. It's as though they imagine every woman will suddenly do what I'm doing, they will be forced to conform, and then the world will end because it's just so horrible! Some goals are serious and could harm the individual and the public, but my goals are not like that at all! I know this because no one in my real life has a problem with it and no one has complained (I get compliments actually). You see, I like certain things a certain way and it would be great if more people would do things that way. But doesn't everyone feel that way about some things? For example, many people say they wish others were nicer, more responsible, more hardworking, more appreciative, less racist, less lazy, took better care of themselves, less serious, more involved etc because they believe that would make life better for them and others. I don't need EVERYONE to be the same either and there is no way I could enforce that anyway so why worry about it?

My point is that people should relax and not get worked up over other people's goals, interests, self-improvement goals, and desires for people to be a certain way unless these goals are actually harmful to the individual and society. Wishing that more women wore 50s (or any style) style dresses because they are pretty is not harmful but wishing and promoting the sexual assault of women who dress differently is harmful. Wishing and advocating that people show better manners is not harmful but advocating that women or children be beaten for not doing so is harmful. Saying you admire someone for reasons A, B, and C is not harmful and there is something wrong if one can never see the good in others, or see some people as all good or all bad. Relax and keep things in perspective. Maybe you need to focus more on making and achieving your own goals rather than focusing on the interests of others. I will never justify my blog or my interests to anyone ever again.

Well for everything someone likes there will be someone who absolutely hates it. These articles actually make me laugh but some people hate vintage fashion as much as I hate modern fashion lol!
Why I hate vintage clothing fashion
5 lies women who wear vintage dresses tell (lol bitter much?)

Maybe I have a Sensitivity to Masculinity LOL!

I just wanted to mention I changed the layout of the EBW Tumblr site and it looks so much better and you can see all the photos by scrolling instead of turning pages. I LOVE it :) Eventually I'll probably switch to Pinterest though if it's more popular.

Just right!

Wait a minute, JGL kind of looks like the first guy....do I like feminine men??? Darn it those Big Bopper and Tiger Beat magazines I read (drooled on) growing up made me love pretty boys lol!!! Oh well, skinny, pretty guys need love and cuddles too :) Actually the first guy is kind of cute....I have to face it, I prefer men with a feminine side. I swear I'm straight though...seriously ;)

I think that in the past things were like this:

A. Femininity-X-----------------------------Androgyny--------------------X---------------Masculinity
          Preferred Woman                                                   Preferred Man

The preferred woman would be ultra feminine and was prevented from doing anything masculine. She was not allowed much if any independence, men ruled her life, she was their property, she was there to look pretty, have children and care for them, take care of the house, and do what men wanted. She dressed in an ultra feminine way reserved for women.

The preferred male was very masculine by not extremely so because he was a gentleman. He was intelligent, chivalrous, resourceful, and a good provider and protector for women, his family, and society. He was the leader and head of the household and everyone had to listen to him. Some of these men, especially of the upper classes, put work into their appearance and dress so that they looked good and stayed fashionable. But he dressed in a masculine way reserved for men.

Then over the past 100 years things shifted and I think in Western countries things are more like this today:


B. Femininity--------------------------------X-Androgyny-----------------------------------X-Masculinity
                                              Preferred Woman                                      Preferred Man

Basically everyone became too masculine and I think I'm allergic to that much masculinity lol! I think that in the 60s-80s women were more in the middle of the Femininity-Androgyny side and I think that was pretty good. Women worked and had rights, they still dressed in a feminine manner but not in the ultra feminine way of the past. Women wanted to be treated as equals and society began to accept and promote that. Women were still women but they were able to do more of the things men did and they did not have to look ultra feminine. But I think today it has gone so far that the preferred women in the media and to feminists would be practically androgynous. She wears women's clothing that look like men's and it's hard to tell she is a woman physically. She devalues feminine things and strives to prove she can do everything men can do and prefers what they prefer. The preferred woman is too close to androgyny and has given up all the things I love about women (e.g., softness, kindness, sweetness, dresses, skirts, bows, flowers, kittens, bunnies, smiles, cupcakes, baby ducks, and all that sissy stuff lol).

The men in the 60s-80s were still similar to the way they were in the past but they were getting used to thinking of women as equals (of course many fought against this). But then guess who came along...the tough, muscled, body builder, tough talking, rule breaking, ultra male of the film industry. This male typified by Marlon Brando, Burt Reynolds, the Marlboro Man, and eventually Arnold Swartzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and many physically dominant athletes. These were examples of masculinity on steroids (literally) and this is when bodybuilding began. At times I admit I do find these men physically attractive, but they have so many other unattractive things about them that I just don't want to have relationships with them. They are nice to look at but do they really get along with others or settle down for a quiet peaceful life? They just aren't boyfriend or husband material.

So this is what I think I like:


C. Femininity-----------X---------------------Androgyny--------------------X----------------Masculinity
        Preferred Woman                                                       Preferred Man

Yes, what I prefer is almost the same dynamic present in Example A. BUT...I want all of the gains women and men have made to remain! So I want women to keep the rights and respect they have yet still be allowed to wear dresses, bake cupcakes (if they want), and love kittens. I want men to not feel the need to be tough, ultra masculine men but instead go back to being more like chivalrous gentlemen. These gentlemen will want to have families and settle down while still having respect for women and their partners. So there will be less pressure for everyone to be masculine and masculinity will not be valued more than femininity. This level of masculinity is just enough for me :) I admit I do like some androgynous traits in men such as: long hair (lol, maybe I just like retro hair); metrosexuals in terms of personal grooming with little body hair; cute voices rather than deep ones; cute boyish faces rather than hard ultra masculine ones; guys who are younger or my age rather than older guys; thin rather than big guys; and of course guys who are sweet, nice, romantic, and sensitive. So these are things that the ultra masculine men don't have.

Many people don't have the same sensitivity I do so they are perfectly comfortable with Example B and will say anything a woman does or wears is feminine because she is a woman so basically anything goes. So they may date men who I think are way too hard or act in ways that I think are way too masculine but to others it will be perfectly "normal". I understand this. We just have a different sensitivity/preference and you may be comfortable with the status quo.

My next question would be, 'who do men prefer?' Followed by 'will the men I prefer actually prefer me?' From what I have read many men prefer very feminine women however I have just learned some (e.g., hipsters) don't seem to care and are comfortable with androgyny. I'll have to test out the second question in my real life :)


This made me think of Japanese pop stars. This is how I think things are in Japanese pop today lol!:



C. Femininity-X--------------------------------Androgyny--X----------------------------------Masculinity
               Preferred Woman                                  Preferred Man


Yes, I like my men to have a soft side but he shouldn't be wearing my make-up or looking prettier than me lol!

Misleading Statistics About Black Women

We have all heard the misleading statistics about Black women that the media has been feasting on for the past few years. I have only heard these statistics for African American women (I'm Canadian) and I don't even know if studies like this exist in Canada (I'll have to look around). Here are some widely spread statistics and why reporting them is VERY misleading.

• 70% of Black women are single: This statistic has been awful for Black women and has started a finger-pointing war between Black men and women trying to explain the cause. The problem with this statistic is that it includes lesbian women who often can not get married, common-law relationships, women with boyfriends, women who are engaged, women who are divorced, women who are widowed, and women who do not want to be married right now! It is highly inflated! The media has spun this into a PROBLEM with Black women, Black men, and the Black community that requires individuals to change. It has caused widespread criticism of Black women who focused on their careers and degrees causing them to panic that they will never be married. This Oprah Video focuses on why women are single not the validity of the statistic and was a bad move on Oprah's part! Here is a Great Video Critique of this statistic(warning foul language).

• 42% of Black women have never been married compared to 23% of White women: 42% unmarried is better than the 70% single statistic, but the way it has been reported is just as problematic (for instance in this Nightline Report and B-NET). First of all, they only report the statistic when compared to White women! If they were honest they would also report that 41% of Black men have never been married and Black women tend to marry Black men! Based on this it just seems Black people deciding to stay unmarried. Instead, the media has focused on the unavailability of Black men who are the equals to successful Black women (and they never forget to report their unemployment rates, incarceration rates, and high school drop out rates). On the other hand, Black men have focused on criticizing Black women for their independence, dating standards, femininity, weight, hair, and attitude and all the reasons why they think other races of women are better. Watch this Great Video Commentary about this statistic (warning there is foul language).
• Why doesn't the media report how many of those White marriages were young, starter marriages that have ended in divorce? Is it better to rush into a marriage that is uncertain or wait until an older age when one's life is more stable? What about reporting how many times White women marry compared to Black women? That could show White women tend to marry younger and multiple times (like Elizabeth Taylor) while Black women wait and only have to marry once or twice. Does the number of times you marry really show how desirable you are or do these women just demand it more or find men who rush into things the same way they do?

• 70% of African American children are born our of wedlock: The biggest problem with this statistic is that people have used it as a criticism of single mothers (read this critique from The Atlantic and P.a.p.-Blog). The statistic does not explain if many of these babies are born to TWO loving parents who just happen to not be married. If you look at the 42% statistic above that shows Black couples are not getting married, then the babies they have will be out of wedlock. But this doesn't mean the father is not around, the mother was irresponsible, or the baby wasn't planned! Married Black women are also having fewer kids and this inflates the statistic. This statistic is problematic because it is a snapshot in time. It does not account for the many couples who get pregnant and decide to have a wedding after the birth (often when the woman is happier with her weight). White couples tend to marry more, fewer of their children are born out of wedlock, and maybe more of them rush to marry before the baby is born. This is not to say that there are some Black men who are not caring for their children, but this statistic does not identify the role of the father in the child's life. BlackVoices uses this to point at unwed Black mothers and reports some disturbing statistics (but I think they can all be explained by poverty and they are also misleading) and BNET provides opinion about American absentee fathers.
• Black women are the least desirable on online dating sites: This ridiculous finding has been reported but it is based on OkCupid, one online site, where 74% of the members are White! So if you join this site, you are likely looking for a White partner. If you wanted someone Black you would go to a Black dating site! This article from the Freakonomics Webiste (where they should know better) and ReadWriteWeb repeat the mantra that Black women can't find a partner. Read THIS ARTICLE for an interesting analysis of the data that changes the results. Furthermore, there is no objective rating of the actual attractiveness of the profiles. It could just be that the Black women on OKCupid are not physically attractive or their profiles are bad, but you can not generalize that ALL Black women are unattractive! It also doesn't mention how quickly members respond because maybe Black women take their time. Asian and White girls may respond quickly and frequently send flirty messages while Black women do not. Maybe men only send messages to women they think they can actually get and I have heard even average White men have no problem attracting Asian women but I have not heard the same for Black women. But above all this, no one ASKED the members why they chose to respond to some people over others because that is the only way you will know if it was due to attractiveness and not something else. You can not generalize the attractiveness of millions of Black women based on ONE online dating site were most members are White!

I hope that after reading this post some Black women feel better about themselves and have a more discerning eye when it comes to these statistics. The media is not a friend to Black women or Black people in general and they love to make us look bad. They will stop reporting things like this if we stop reading these articles and commenting on them!