Respectability Politics

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Every time a new Black show comes out there is a discussion about respectability politics. It is endorsed whenever someone states, "This reality show will not present a positive image of Black people. There needs to be more positive images instead of these negative stereotypes". It was happening when people were wary of President Obama associating with Beyonce and (c)rapper Jay-Z. It happened with the show Scandal because people did not like that Olivia Pope was having an affair with a married man. I happened when Halle Berry starred in the Oscar Winning film Monster's Ball where she appeared nude in a graphic love scene. It also happened with the movies Precious, the Help, big Momma's House, and Norbit. It's the reason behind my disdain for (c)rap music (among other complaints). You are endorsing respectability politics whenever you worry that other Black people will present an image to the public that is not "respectable" and believe it will make the world think Black people are not respectable in general.

I obviously believe in respectability politics. It's basically positive marketing, spin, and impression management (e.g., My Example Post). I think these things are very important if you are from a group facing many negative stereotypes, many social ills, and a history of oppression. I think that Black people still need to engage in respectability politics. Other groups like the Irish, Jewish people, and Asian people have become "respectable" because they disproved stereotypes, embraced mainstream life and goals, and took advantage of any privileges they achieved while still having Irish, Jewish, and Asian identities. Black people have not been able to do this enough, or else I would have no reason to even be writing about this. The Irish, Jewish people, and Asians can be thought of as "model minorities" but Black people have not achieved that positive designation. One would think this would have happened already but it has not in many places. Civil rights leaders like Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks believed in respectability politics. They dressed in suits and respectable clothing so that they would look dignified and peaceful compared to the barbaric actions of their attackers. They wanted to appear more civilized and respectable than their oppressors and I respect their approach.

If there are negative rumors and stereotypes going around then I would rather disprove those stereotypes with my behaviour instead of just being angry and hostile about it. I would rather behave in a respectable manner than purposefully be difficult and confirm every stereotype. It just makes sense to me, if you want to be respected then be respectable! If you want people to think you are feminine then be feminine. If you want people to think you are nice then be nice. If you want people to think you are smart then don't do dumb things. I don't understand people who choose to act the opposite of how they want to be perceived and act shocked, disappointed, or outraged when people perceive them negatively! Some people would rather complain that the standards are too high for them to achieve instead of making any effort whatsoever to improve. Instead of telling people to "try your best" they would rather tell them "you are already the best so don't bother trying to do anything".

I don't expect people to see past my overt behaviour, demeanor, and appearance and somehow see something else. Maybe with time they will see something else, but that will only happen with close relationships. It may not happen with your boss, coworkers, teachers, police officers, store clerks, loan officers etc. who you do not want to perceive you negatively. I think that if you want people to think of you in a certain way then you must make the choice and effort to exemplify that idealized person. What's wrong with being respectable anyway? I thought being respected was a good thing!

Well, according to this article called "No Disrespect", her problem is that someone decides what "respectable" is and this hurts the feelings of people who do not meet the respectable standard. These people are looked down upon for not being the ideal. Well...this may seem cold but really, I'm not concerned about that whatsoever. This is that whole, "let's give everyone a medal so that no one feels bad" sort of thinking. But I'm sorry, in life some people are more intelligent, beautiful, successful, creative, funny, talented, hard working, impressive etc., than others. People who have been blessed with these qualities often benefit from them in life so others strive to achieve the same standards. In many instances life demands the best and mediocre or low performance is undesirable. There are no awards for mediocrity!

Yes, it's a shame that people feel bad when they are not viewed as positively as others, but this is what's necessary to motivate people to be excellent. If everyone gets a medal and does not compete to be the best then people don't try their best. For Black people especially, given how negatively society still views us, it would be crazy to not try our best, encourage competition, and loudly applaud those who exemplify excellence. This will motivate others to do better and show the world how great we are! When Black people grow up with no successful or positive role models then they think excellence and a better life will never happen for them. This is a serious problem because then people give up trying and settle for low standards. This is not the path to success! If we face reality, instead of getting wrapped up in fairy tale land, then one can realize that society rewards the best and arguing against respectability politics is never going to achieve anything useful for Black people. It will just keep us at the bottom by making every behaviour, no matter how lazy, unintelligent, dangerous, useless, unwise, and low achieving...respectable. Lowering standards will not improve our lives or our status in the world, it will just keep people at the bottom.

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No disrespect: (I hate the title of this magazine!!!)"Respectability politics work to counter negative views of blackness by aggressively adopting the manners and morality that the dominant culture deems “respectable.” The approach emerged in reaction to white racism that labeled blackness as “other”—degenerate and substandard—with roots in an assimilationist narrative that prevailed in the late-19th-century United States. Black activists and allies believed that acceptance and respect for African-Americans would come by showing the majority culture “we are just like you.”

Black women in particular had their own set of stereotypes to battle, as they had long been labeled by white society as lascivious Jezebels, animalistic beasts of burden, and disreputable antiwomen. According to Dr. Sarah Jackson, a race and media studies scholar at Boston’s Northeastern University, to counter these stereotypes newly freed African-American women were forced to adhere to the sexist strictures of the Cult of True Womanhood, which positioned white women as inherently chaste, pious, childlike, submissive, and (as Sojourner Truth famously said in her “Ain’t I a Woman” speech) in need of being “helped over mud puddles.” In other words: respectable."

Respectability politics: Michelle Obama vs. Nikki Minaj
Beyonce, Obama and the politics of respectability
The onus of Black respectability
Are you choosing your circumstances or are you a victim of them?

Pride and Prejudice-Movie Review

A few weeks ago I watched the film Pride and Prejudice based on the Jane Austin Victorian era novel. I'm not going to really review the film but I'll just point out what stood out for me in the film.

• Relatable story: The book must have been an influence for Bridget Jones' Diary lol! One of Bridget's love interests was actually named Mark Darcy (Mr. Darcy is the main love interest for Elizabeth Bennet [Keira Knightly's character] in the film) so I doubt that was a coincidence. It's funny because I can really relate to Bridget Jones which in turn means I can relate to Elizabeth! Wow! I think it will be useful for myself and others to look for similarities and useful things in people, media, and education regardless of who the information comes from and what they look like. I think that this is one of the benefits I got from watching the film. I've firmly decided to open my mind to things from other cultures (as long as they are not directly insulting me).
• Reputation and image is very important: I think that some successful Black women can relate to the story because although Elizabeth's family was not poor they were not upper class and had mannerisms that others looked down upon. She conducted herself like a lady but her family members had some questionable behaviours that made Elizabeth seem unattractive by association (she had a social stigma that others could hold against her). This blog is about becoming a better woman despite lineage or colour so the film reflects the obstacles a Black woman could encounter when attempting to gain acceptance by the mainstream or by other successful members of society. 
• People will judge you based on the actions of your family whether that is unfair or not. It is up to us to teach our children how to behave and to act as role models. However, if you can not help the way your family behaves at least you can behave the best you can. We are also judged by the reputations of our friends and this is why you should only surround yourselves with high quality people. When your social standing changes you may need to change your social group. Your actions have consequences and it is naive to think that getting into arguments or fights, being arrested, getting fired for poor conduct or work, going bankrupt, or airing your dirty laundry will not have negative consequences for you! I believe that failing to plan is planning to fail and the "don't worry about it, everything will turn out okay" attitude is self-destructive and the path to failure. It is a very passive attitude of letting things happen to you instead of actively making things go your way. If you want something, you have to work for it!
• Manners are important for social success: Most characters in the film had excellent manners and there were numerous displays of formal behaviour, chivalry, and femininity. Caring about manners and etiquette is not old fashioned or unnecessary because the consequences of not having these attributes could be serious. For example, bullying or being aggressive is negative behaviour that could get you suspended or expelled from school, fired from your job, or even put in jail. Lacking social skills could make you a target for bullying and ridicule which would be very unpleasant, prevent you from making or keeping friends, and prevent you from getting along with co-workers which could interfere with your advancement at work.
• No one is perfect: Elizabeth was able to be herself and she was actually quite opinionated. She did become angry once and was not submissive when her family was insulted. But she did behave like a lady. No one in the film was perfect! For example, Mr. Darcy had difficulty speaking to new people and appeared unhappy and mean, Elizabeth's mother talked too much and bragged about her daughter's relationships, the younger sisters laughed inappropriately and got drunk, another character was socially awkward, and there were a few very snobby people. However, their manners were still better than many people's today. The lesson here is to be your best self, forgive yourself for not being perfect, recognize your faults, but always strive for self-improvement.
• Women looked feminine: The women in the film always looked like women and different from the men. Most of the time they wore their hair in pretty up-dos, something I want to learn because they are protective styles and look very elegant. 
• Wanting marriage is normal: Women and men want love and it is normal to want to settle down. Men (and women) may enjoy playing the field for a while, but most eventually become bored with the insecurity and lack of intimacy. Wanting love and long-term companionship is normal! All the women AND MEN wanted to get married in the film and were searching for partners. In fact, they would attend social events for the sole purpose of meeting someone. Nowadays, whenever you read an article about women wanting to get married someone will come along and ask "why do you want to get married anyway, it's so antiquated and unnecessary|, or "it's a remnant of patriarchy" etc. Those people are so annoying! Now if a woman says she wants to go out and meet men she may be called desperate. A man saying he wants to get married prior to age 35 may be looked at strangely or with suspicion. Prior to maybe the 1980s or even 1990s marriage was the norm and it still is in most countries. I don't know whether this is an unfortunate consequence of feminism, left-wing extremism, or anarchist reasoning that has led to this no rules, anything goes attitude. I'm sorry but I have no interest in living on a commune with a bunch of single mothers raising our children together because we had too much casual sex and we don't know who the fathers are, but we are so strong and independent we don't need them anyway. That is practically what some of these critics are advocating!
• Some women are marriage material: Men know early on whether or not a woman is marriage material. If a new man you meet treats you like a piece of meat then he doesn't see you as marriage material. Pay attention to the way he treats you and do not share your body with anyone who is not committed to you and who does not see you as marriage material. Doing otherwise would be dangerous to your physical and mental health and it will not get you the love that you are seeking. Although marriage originated for reasons that may be oppressive (and also beneficial) to women it does not have to maintain the negative connotations. Societies change and the reasons for doing things in the past do not have to be adhered to today. In the past women were treated like property sold from father to husband but we don't have to adhere to that today and can instead keep all the benefits of marriage. I believe you can cut the bad parts off a fruit and still eat it instead of throwing the whole thing away! One example from the movie that stood out was when men asked permission from fathers to marry their daughters. When men ask for the father (or parents') permission to wed it does not have to symbolize that the potential bride is property given from father to groom. We can just think about it as paying respect for the parents' wishes and an attempt to become a part of their family.
• There is value in watching "chick flicks": I think I should start watching more "chick flicks" to help nurture my romantic, soft, loving side. I have always loved romance and love stories, but I think I was so sad and lonely for a while that I ran away from those things because they just reminded me that I was alone. I don't like that today there too much emphasis on sex, "hooking up", "friends with benefits", and Mr. Right Now instead of having a loving, committed relationship. I need to avoid those messages as much as possible. Optimistic people tend to be happier than those who are bitter and pessimistic so I choose to be optimistic about love! I think another benefit of chick flicks is that that they show you women that men desire and their qualities. Unlike in this film, in many chick flicks the woman is hardened in the beginning but becomes softer and more attractive which is why the man falls for her. In other examples the woman is a dream girl type and although some feminists hate it, they show the women men would love to be with in a relationship. I think the more functional and attractive female behaviour I see the better and it will help to counteract the negative messages.

So in conclusion, I do recommend the film and I actually liked it!

EBWs Must Change the Words they use to Define Themselves

The way you define yourself will determine how others define you. This also includes the way you define yourself in your own head because that affects the way you carry yourself. The words you speak will have the same effect. These are some things we must stop saying immediately because they are not helping us and they have developed negative connotations.

• Don't call yourself independent. You can be independent and enjoy it, and you don't have to call yourself needy; just don't use the word. If you use this term men will think you do not need them and they will not seek relationships with you. Friends, family, and coworkers may be reluctant to offer help when you are struggling. You will find it hard to ask for help if you actually need it to make your life easier. You may have used this term to avoid getting hurt,  but you are setting yourself up to be alone when that is not what you really want.  NEVER say you don't need a man or anyone else in your life or that is exactly what you will get! People might also assume that you have been single for a long time or you are a loner and these things are turn-offs. This term will help your resume but not your love life. 
• Don't call yourself strong. This term is related to independent in it's negative connotations. I've even heard men online voicing their disdain for "Strong Black Women". Why label yourself with something that can be an instant turn-off? Being strong has masculine connotations and men you date and others may treat you harshly because they think you can take it. Because you are so strong they won't bother to treat you like the delicate flower you are. You can be strong and keep your head up no matter what misfortunes you encounter, just don't go around telling people you are strong or weak. Use other terms to describe yourself. Furthermore, if you describe yourself as strong they may assume you have had a hard life and many people avoid those with "baggage". In fact, online this term seems to be synonymous with "single Black mother". 
• Don't call yourself a diva. Nowadays I only hear this term used by Black women or the media when referring to pop stars who are impossible to please. If you call yourself a diva men will run because they will assume you have an attitude, you have temper tantrums, you will never be satisfied, you have impossible standards, and you lead an exorbitant lifestyle that they can not afford. The reputation of the  "angry Black woman" has been spread around the world and it needs to stop!  A diva is a nice way to say b**** but it means the same thing! Don't go around calling yourself b**** either by the way.
• Don't call yourself "hood", "street", "ghetto", or "ghettofabulous". These terms will only be attractive to other people who describe themselves in the same way. These terms are not attractive to gentlemen, professional people, or people who do not want drama or the negative things associated with the "hood". It doesn't matter if you grew up poor in a bad neighborhood, it just doesn't help you to advertise it. Be proud of what you have done with your life but don't give others any reason to discriminate against you. 

If you have screen names or you are online dating, do not use these terms in your screen name or your profiles if you want to attract a gentleman who is worthy of you. Think about the way women of other races describe themselves. Would a kawaii Japanese woman describe herself as independent, strong, a diva, or ghetto? Never! Think about your positive, feminine qualities and use them to describe yourself and refer to yourself in your own mind and try to live up to the labels. The way we think about ourselves has a definite effect on the way we behave and the way others treat us. Changing the way you define yourself is like an instant makeover!

P.S. I could also use feminist to this list because that scares men off like the plague. But as I said in an earlier post, you can believe in women's rights and strive to uphold them, but you don't have to label yourself a feminist to do so. I find that some people will shut themselves off to whatever you say if you use this term so it's counterproductive.