What Ever Happened to Character Building?

Cross-posted at Beyond Black & White

Has anyone ever told you, "well you just don't know how to pick a good man" (so annoying) or "you should choose a man based on his good character". Well what do people actually mean by "good character" and do you have good character yourself? Good character or character strengths are usually taught to children explicitly by parents and teachers, implicitly through role modelling, and in books, stories, and children's programming. In the past young adults were also trained about how to be "proper" ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately I think that character building has been thrown to the wayside by many adults in favor of people "just being themselves" and "finding someone who accepts me for me" types of attitudes. Becoming a better person of good character seems too old fashioned and fake for some...but I think it needs to make a comeback! Some people have really bad character, they make people miserable, are often miserable themselves, but they refuse to improve and change for the better! To some people, asking them to "be nice" or "look nice" is practically a crime against humanity!

Although I have said I'm pragmatic, a realist, and more of a behaviourist type just concerned about getting rewards and avoiding punishments in life, that's definitely not the whole story. I am VERY concerned about not hurting others, getting along with others, and being a good person (please don't bother pointing out ways I have not done this perfectly, I already know!). So I do value good character and I am trying to develop good character. A lady or high quality woman has good character and it shows. Developing good character is a worthwhile pursuit and is a way to improve oneself as I have written about many times in the past (e.g., Why do Some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?, Elegant Black Women Need People Skills, The Great Self Improvement Debate, and Does your Success Say Something About your Character?

So, how can you quickly learn about good character so that you can become a better person? Well below I have posted The VIA classification of character strengths, an excellent list of character traits used in positive psychology. It's a great list because the strengths are broken up into categories and there is research behind it. There is actually a questionnaire on the VIA site that you can take to assess your character! Take the questionnaire to figure out if you are as good a person as you think you are, because like many of us, there may be room for improvement :) (The free version doesn't give much information though, it just ranks your traits but it is something to work with). Maybe the reason why your relationships don't go well is because of weaknesses in some of these areas. I focus on women making personal changes, like building character, because you are in control of yourself and you have the power to change yourself. You have much less power to change others but you can try to do so by communicating with them. As you can see from the list of character strengths, communicating what is right to others and trying to help are good qualities. (I'll highlight some interesting ones ;).

The VIA Character Strength List (source)

Strengths of Wisdom and Knowledge: Cognitive strengths that entail the acquisition and use of knowledge

1. Creativity [originality, ingenuity]: Thinking of novel and productive ways to conceptualize and do things.

2. Curiosity [interest, novelty-seeking, openness to experience]: Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake; exploring and discovering.

3. Open-mindedness [judgment, critical thinking]: Thinking things through and examining them from all sides; weighing all evidence fairly.

4. Love of learning: Mastering new skills, topics, and bodies of knowledge, whether on one's own or formally.

5. Perspective [wisdom]: Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to oneself and to other people.

Strengths of Courage: Emotional strengths that involve the exercise of will to accomplish goals in the face of opposition, external and internal

6. Bravery [valor]: Not shrinking from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; acting on convictions even if unpopular.

7. Persistence [perseverance, industriousness]: Finishing what one starts; persisting in a course of action in spite of obstacles.

8. Integrity [authenticity, honesty]: Presenting oneself in a genuine way; taking responsibility for one's feeling and actions.

9. Vitality [zest, enthusiasm, vigor, energy]: Approaching life with excitement and energy; feeling alive and activated.

Strengths of Humanity: interpersonal strengths that involve tending and befriending others

10. Love: Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated.

11. Kindness [generosity, nurturance, care, compassion, altruistic love, "niceness"]: Doing favors and good deeds for others.

12. Social intelligence [emotional intelligence, personal intelligence]: Being aware of the motives and feelings of other people and oneself.

Strengths of Justice: civic strengths that underlie healthy community life

13. Citizenship [social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork]: Working well as a member of a group or team; being loyal to the group.

14. Fairness: Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting personal feelings bias decisions about others.

15. Leadership: Encouraging a group of which one is a member to get things done and at the same maintain time good relations within the group.

Strengths of Temperance: strengths that protect against excess

16. Forgiveness and mercy: Forgiving those who have done wrong; accepting the shortcomings of others; giving people a second chance; not being vengeful.

17. Humility / Modesty: Letting one's accomplishments speak for themselves; not regarding oneself as more special than one is.

18. Prudence: Being careful about one's choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.

19. Self-regulation [self-control]: Regulating what one feels and does; being disciplined; controlling one's appetites and emotions.

Strengths of Transcendence: strengths that forge connections to the larger universe and provide meaning

20. Appreciation of beauty and excellence [awe, wonder, elevation]: Appreciating beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in various domains of life.

21. Gratitude: Being aware of and thankful of the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks.

22. Hope [optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation]: Expecting the best in the future and working to achieve it.

23. Humor [playfulness]: Liking to laugh and tease; bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side.

24. Spirituality [religiousness, faith, purpose]: Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose, the meaning of life, and the meaning of the universe.

Please also read 340 ways to use VIA character strengths. It is an excellent list of things you can actually do to practice your character strengths and they are examples of the behaviours of people with good character. It also lists movies you can watch to see demonstrations of the traits :). I also found an alternative list of 49 qualities for success. Please read these definitions and behaviours on the linked page that express these good character traits. They may be very eye opening to some of you.

• Alertness, Attentiveness, Availability, Benevolence, Boldness, Cautiousness, Compassion, Contentment, Creativity
• Decisiveness, Deference, Dependability, Determination, Diligence, Discernment, Discretion, Endurance, Enthusiasm
• Faith, Flexibility, Forgiveness, Generosity, Gentleness, Gratefulness, Honor, Hospitality, Humility, Initiative, Joyfulness, Justice, Loyalty
• Meekness, Obedience, Orderliness, Patience, Persuasiveness, Punctuality, Resourcefulness, Responsibility
• Security, Self-Control, Sensitivity, Sincerity, Thoroughness, Thriftiness, Tolerance, Truthfulness, Virtue, Wisdom

Many of the character traits listed above are associated with femininity and some with masculinity but really they are attractive when both men and women have them. It may just be that men and women display these traits in different ways or display some more than others. Just like some religious things, sometimes it seems like the traits are contradictory. That is because particular situations may call for specific actions are all actually in line with certain character traits but not with others (e.g., self-regulation vs. bravery). People can value the traits but they have to be flexible with them depending on the situation.

One should not rely on a specific trait over the others especially if it is to one's detriment. For example, one can be meek and obedient yet stand up and be bold when something is wrong. People should only be obedient to commands to do what is right, not something that is dishonest or harmful to others. One should be tolerant but also speak out when something isn't right especially if they are trying to protect others. It's about balance, evaluating the situation, and doing what is right given the circumstances. What is right in one situation is not right in all other situations.

I believe that unless you have made an effort to foster character strengths or good character then you are not being as great a person as you could be and there is probably a lot of room for improvement. You can change for the better and people should not be discouraged from doing so by others who state "You are trying to be fake". Please use your knowledge of these character traits for good. Kindly point out when someone is going against one of these traits. Do no taunt, belittle, or harshly chastise them because that in itself is a poor act of character--it's very tempting to do so!

For example don't say, "You are so closed minded, that's why nobody likes you." Acting that way is not being humble, caring, or respectful. Instead try to teach and be open and appeal to that persons desire to be good. You could say, "People tend to get along better with people who are open-minded to to their ideas and opinions. You don't have to agree, just listen and consider if there is anything useful or agreeable about what they have said. Then you will be able to get along with more people and they will be more likely to listen to you in return."  Recognize that while you can point your finger at their bad behaviour, you are not perfect, and others can point to your flaws as well. Just try to do your best by showing good character and try to teach others how to be their best. Recognize that not everyone is at the same level of character development and some don't even value being a good person, but they may change their minds in the future, appreciate good people, and see the value in becoming one.

Character Building Articles: 

How to build character through intregity

The six pillars of character

Seven keys to defining character

Building character strengths- The road to wellbeing?

Training character strengths makes you happy

What are your character strengths and why should you care? Also includes a link to a test to assess your top five strengths!

Being Soft is Pretty Sweet :)

Embed from Getty Images

I don't mind being soft, I actually like it. You have to be gentle with something soft. If you are soft then you don't have to put up with things other people have to. You can protect yourself and you don't need anyone's permission to do so. People don't expect you to tolerate harshness, you are excused. Your comfort and protection is of the utmost importance.

What I don't understand is how some women complain about being treated like unfeeling pack mules and yet continue to act like unfeeling pack mules. Why don't you just stop it? If everyone thinks you are strong, you can take everything, and you actually like drama and arguing...why do you play into those assumptions? Why do you complain over and over about mammys and mules and then proudly conform to those very stereotypes? Putting up with disrespect doesn't mean you are strong, it just means you have no problem with being treated badly and that's sad. Get your mind out of Blackistan! Why don't you tell people you need help, you can't handle everything, and you don't want to be on the defensive all the time? Why don't you just start acting softer? If you want something to change then you have to change something!

Well some women will say that acting softer will make them weak and vulnerable and people will take advantage of them. Understand I said soft--not stupid. Being soft means you actually raise your standards and require better treatment from others. You don't even give anyone the chance to harm you. You can be soft and pleasant and still say no, in fact, you don't have to argue or fight at all because you don't need to expose your precious mind to negativity. You do not have to tolerate being treated like a mule for one second because you are no mule! You are a lady and must always be treated as such.

Let others accept poor treatment because they somehow convinced themselves this proves they are "mature" and "real women". If they feel proud about how much abuse they can take, let them. In the meantime, enjoy the freedom, peacefulness, joy, and serenity of being soft and cherished :)

Empathy, Kindness, Hostility, and Being Strong

I wonder about people sometimes. Actually I wonder about them all the time. Sometimes I wonder why in the world did I devote so much of my life, and choose a career that involves helping people, when sometimes I just hate people and wish they would fall off a cliff?

Then I think back to my values and the idea that taking and receiving throughout one's life and never giving back is selfish and it makes someone pretty much a parasite on the back of humanity. I think about my younger years when I thought that helping others was noble and that the ideal occupation is one where you help others to better their lives. I remember empathy, the Golden Rule, and the internalized value that I must treat others the way I would like to be treated:


The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim, ethical code, or morality that essentially states either of the following:
(Positive form of Golden Rule): One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.
(Negative form of Golden Rule): One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated.

Empathy
1. the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feelings  
2. the attribution to an object, such as a work of art, of one's own emotional or intellectual feelings about it

In my opinion, I think about being empathetic a lot. I think about how the other person will react to what I am saying. I think about whether the person will feel disrespected. I don't assume that they are super strong or confident, and actually to be on the safe side I assume that they are not. That way I treat them more delicately than others might. This is because I concern myself with those who are more vulnerable since those who are strong can handle most things. 

What I wonder though is if there are enough people doing the same thing. I think there may be too many people, online especially, who are very "strong". By strong I mean hardened or cold by nature or perhaps due to being constantly treated without empathy. These people have always been able to take more than others or they developed a hard shell to protect them from the world's harshness. They are harder than most other people and expect others to be as strong as they are. If one can not handle the same levels of disrespect, criticism, abuse, neglect, insults, or ridicule then strong people may call you "weak, childish, useless, ignorant, immature" and other belittling comments. It's like someone who can easily lift 200 pounds ridiculing the average person who can not do so. The strong people do not realize that their level of tolerance is way higher than everyone else's and they should not be comparing themselves to most other people. 

How does this affect empathy? Well have you ever noticed that some people who grow up in nurturing and responsive environments tend to be more nurturing and responsive to others? Have you also noticed that those who grow up rough may treat other people roughly? They scoff when others are unable to tolerate the same living conditions and call those people "weak". I think these strong people need to check themselves and figure out if their capacity to empathize has been thrown off due to their unique nature or life experiences. What they believe is tolerable may actually be intolerable to the average person. When one's capacity to empathize is out of whack one can appear mean, cruel, disrespectful, insulting, hostile, aggressive, impatient, and really insensitive. 

These people do not consider that others can not tolerate what they can and instead insist that others simply tolerate more, sometimes instantly! They look down with supercilious disdain, contempt, and even disgust  for those of lower tolerance. They say, "get a tougher skin", "get some backbone", "toughen up", "you're too weak", "grow up" etc., sometimes with an implied kick while the person is already down. I wonder if they ever take a look in the mirror and wonder what happened to their empathy? How do they allow themselves to be so cruel and why do they take pleasure in that cruelty? Why are they unable to place themselves in someone else's shoes and say something kind and helpful? Do they ever take into account evidence that others are not as strong as they are by choosing to be less harsh? Or do they just insist that they are the ideal and there must be zero tolerance for anyone who is not as strong as they are? Are they completely unable to think of a time when they themselves were less strong and would have benefited from more kindness? 

It's kind of sad wondering what happened to these people to make them so hard and unable to be empathetic to those who are not as strong. Hardness and lack of empathy is especially unpleasant and unusual in women. I think that the way we treat those weaker than ourselves is an important indicator of one's good character and humanity. How you treat others says something about who you are on a deep level. I think the world would benefit from some more humanity. Please be kind to others even those different from yourself. Remember, the day may come when you too are down. It may be one of us, who have been there before, that will help to pick you back up :)

Black Women, Are You Feminine Enough?

On Beyond Black & White a few people commented that being feminine wasn't mainly about looks. This is true. But it easier to show others how to look feminine rather than how to be feminine (how do you show a character trait?). It is also easier to change your looks and in fact, this can be completed in only one day. You have probably seen it done on makeover shows on TV. So this is the easiest first step towards becoming more feminine. By looking more feminine, feeling better about yourself, and getting positive feedback from others, this can motivate you to embrace feminine character traits as a next step.

It takes more time and practice before expressing positive feminine traits becomes natural. You will be improving  and recreating yourself as a highly feminine woman. Below I have provided a new video that lists numerous positive feminine traits. These traits are also positive in men. Men will still be masculine if they have none of these traits, but they will be mean, uncaring, and really unpleasant to be around. However, if men express too much of these traits they will appear feminine or androgynous. I hope you enjoy the video :)

What's The Elephant in Your Room?

This is a very intriguing and important video that Shanda has made. She addresses the fact that sometimes there is something very wrong going on in our homes or relationships that some people, couples, and families choose to ignore. She proposes that we address these issues (in a ladylike manner) instead of letting them continue indefinitely. I think that this is a very important message.

HOWEVER, addressing an issue can only do so much. It is very difficult to change other people, especially adults, if they have power over you, or if the behaviour or situation you want them to change could actually harm them in some way. In these instances your addressing the issues may not change anything other than letting them know you are unhappy. All you can do is state what the problem is, what you want to happen, and what the consequence will be if what you want does not happen (often taught in assertiveness and conflict resolution courses [good article]).

Even if what you want does not happen at least you tried. After this lack of success then the next step falls on you...what are you going to do now that the situation has not changed? Are you going to put up with it, leave, find someone with more authority to help you, go on strike, yell, or try something different? You have to do something besides just blaming the other person/people and waiting for them to change. If you decide to live with the situation that is YOUR choice and there are others would would react differently depending on their personal circumstances, resources, and character. Because of this you are partially responsible for the situations that you allow to continue or live in. Maybe the best thing to do is try to change some of your other current circumstances, increase your resources, improve your character, try something different, or remove yourself from the situation.

I think that we often are the cause of the "Elephant in the room" because of our own negative, self-destructive, or socially suicidal behaviours! Many of us need to take a hard look in the mirror, recognize, and accept that in some areas of our lives we have made poor choices, hurt others, and hurt ourselves. Perhaps if we had not ignored our personal failings and flaws and instead had the courage to change or improve our circumstances then we would be much happier today instead of regretting our apathy, fear of change, and worries about social backlash.

I'll end this post with one of my favorite quotes:

Related Articles:
Conflict resolution from Mind Tools (Many people have no idea about conflict resolution and instead insist that one person, usually the man, makes the final decision...it doesn't have to be that way! Excellent website for self-improvement!!!)
Conflict resolution (Great!)
How and when to use I statements
I statements

Does Your Success Say Something About Your Character?

This poster is aimed at children who are just learning about character and good behaviour. They don't yet have experience with situations where being generous, loyal, patient, yielding etc. can lead to negative consequences. These are great personal qualities and everyone struggles with upholding them. These are all ways to be a "good person" who would make a good friend, coworker, or romantic partner.

Repeatedly online I have read comments from men stating women should ONLY consider a man's character when looking for a partner and not their education, job, or socioeconomic status (SES). I'm assuming by character they mean whether someone is kind, loving, nice, honest, "a good man", dependable, faithful, pleasant, supportive, fun, friendly, marriage-oriented and other good things that would him pleasant to be around. Some have gone so far as to suggest women should not care about a man's criminal background or past drug use because "everyone makes mistakes", we "shouldn't judge", and "life is hard" (but doesn't past involvement in crime indicate the man may be dishonest, uncaring, selfish, violent, undisciplined, and immoral?). These men insist that educational attainment should not be used as criteria when deciding to date a man and they love to say they are highly intelligent (with no proof), they know very intelligent uneducated people, and they know educated people who are complete morons with no common sense. They also insist that what a man is doing at the moment (even though he's over 30) should not be used as criteria because he may have some mysterious "potential" that will become activated if I love and support him!  

Some of these men seem to make the assumption that those who have struggled have better character than those who are successful and may not have strrugled at all! I do not understand where they would get such an idea. Since when does having constant stress, frequent problems, and being mistreated your whole life make you a happy, kind, responsible, and caring person? Wouldn't it be more likely that a man who grew up loved (knows what love is and how to show it), in a nurturing and supportive environment, with positive role models (who he emulates), would lead a happier life? Would he have a more positive and optimistic attitude, the means, and the ambition to seek out happiness and privileges that he can share with a family? If life wasn't easier with less stress, fewer problems, and better opportunities then why are people constantly striving for those things instead of the opposite? Of course people who are successful and privileged can be jerks and totally unpleasant to be around...but so can anyone of any level of education, success, or SES! At least they have their basic needs met and can provide that support when necessary!

I believe that your personal success can say a lot about your character and background. Based on what you have achieved in life people may make certain positive assumptions about you such as: you are hardworking, dedicated, intelligent, and ambitious because you achieved so much; you had a good upbringing, a privileged background, a good education, and experienced few difficulties growing up; you have good social skills and were able to network and gain support from influential people who helped you along the way; you have excellent stress management and coping skills; you were never involved in crime or drugs that would have led you astray and prevented you from achieving your goals; and you are probably good at making the right decisions and making better choices because you chose the path to success. Most people wish they grew up the same way.

Men who have been unsuccessful in life may be assumed (sometimes unfairly) to be of poor character or upbringing, for instance assuming: they grew up in a negative home and social environment, did not have their basic needs met, grew up disadvantaged, and did not have the opportunity to succeed; they may be poor decision makers because they chose crime over education and hard work; they may have attended a bad school, be less intelligent, chose not to strive for the best grades in school, or they were otherwise distracted or prevented from achieving in school; they may lack focus or they may have chosen an unrealistic route to success (e.g., becoming a basketball star or a rapper) instead of a white collar position requiring a university degree; they wanted fast money and to be extremely wealthy instead of middle class; they did not have the discipline to do well in school so they were not accepted to university; they spent too much time focused on chasing women or hanging out with friends instead of focusing on school or advancing at work; they may go from job to job starting at the bottom every time because they do not have specialized training.

People say that money doesn't buy happiness, but realistically, neither does love. Someone with money may be used, disrespected, stressed, and unloved but so can someone without money! A person with love can struggle to make ends meet, end up in a homeless shelter, be abused, and end up in a life of crime because they could not pay for necessities. The number one cause of divorce is finances (source 1, source 2; alternative view 1, view 2)! It is difficult to stay together as a couple of you can not afford to live together and raise a family. Financial problems can cause constant stress and arguments because basic needs are not being met so no one is satisfied. It's a lofty dream that one only needs love to survive but if we are honest, we know that is not true. Wealthy people do get divorced and they may be unhappy at times, but they don't end up homeless and they rarely need to commit crimes to make ends meet (when they do commit white collar crimes it's often because they were too greedy, made poor decisions, and didn't want to lose their high standard of living). 

No money does not buy love but it buys: food (especially healthy food), shelter in a safe neighbourhood (with a home security system), clothing (including suitable work attire), transportation (especially to work and school), books to expand one's mind and learn, internet (for education, entertainment, convenient shopping, and communication), telephones/cell phones (for socializing, work, communication), medical expenses, childcare, tutors, university tuition, vacations to relax and travel, unique experiences (e.g., unpaid internships, workshops, camps), investments to expand one's income, insurance, savings for the future or a rainy day, emergency money to help friends and family, and counselling for personal and family problems. Just looking at today's economy, stating that money is not important is ludicrous! Look at how losing a job has ruined people's lives because they lose their homes, cars, and sometimes their children just because they don't have the money to provide basic necessities!

I'll end with this point, I would rather date and marry a man with good character AND an education, a white collar job, and a medium SES than a man with good character, no secondary education, and a low-paying job. I think that the former would be better able to care for a family's basic needs and privileges and would be more pleasant to be around, especially because he would be more like me.  If you are like me then there are people out there who will automatically dislike you because of your privilege (but wish it for themselves) and call you every bad name in the book because you are not miserable and struggling. All you can do is go about your business and try to find happiness however you see fit. We can only date so many men and only marry one and who you choose is your business. It's one thing to be friendly, respect, care about, or be kind to a wide variety of people, but that doesn't mean you have to date anyone who asks! If you spend too much time dating men with problems you will miss out on the ones without those problems! In the end, if you make good choices then you will have plenty of proof that you were successful, happy, and loved and that is all that matters!