Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Should an Elegant Black Woman be a Pleaser or a Giver?

I just read a great new post on the Feminine Woman called Pleaser Woman Always Lose Out-The Difference Between Pleasing and Giving! Please read the article so that you understand the rest of this post. The main point I got from the article is that "Pleaser Women" do things out of fear of losing their partner or other people and "Giver Women"  do things because they can afford to be generous (in terms of internal resources). People don't respect pleaser women and they are often manipulated.

If you have read "He's Just Not That Into You" or "The Rules", the Pleaser Woman is the woman who waits by the phone for her man, drops everything and runs over to his place whenever he wants, and has no life or plans of her own. She gives everything often to her detriment. People lose respect for this woman because they know she will do whatever they want and will probably be there no matter what. This woman is too available and easy to get so she is not a challenge for men and they don't want to keep her (she has sex too quickly in order to please or keep the man). This is the type of woman who gives her children everything they want so they end up dependent or spoiled.

The Giver Woman is busy doing things with her life and she fits in giving when she can. Because she has her own life men want to commit to her so that they can have some of that valuable time. They can not take advantage of her because she has enough internal and external resources to live without the man so they behave better. Sometimes what she gives may not be what the other person wants (e.g., honest opinions), but it's what they need! This woman is hard to get so the man must pursue her and wants to win her, often with marriage (she delays having sex until the time is right and the man develops respect and love for her). This is the type of woman who gives her children what they need, not always what they want, so that they can be independent and dependent enough to be well-rounded.

Givers tend to be strong and independent women though, the very women some men are complaining about! They key is to not say you are strong and independent, tell people you don't need them, or flaunt your independence or resources. You just live your life and achieve your goals without the labels. Good men want this, they will cherish their time with you, and they will appreciate their time alone or with their friends.

Pleasers don't tend to be strong and independent because they put everyone's wants before their own. Some men say this is what they want (i.e., a 'submissive' woman who speaks only when she is spoken to, let's the man lead her life, lives to serve her man) but you don't want a man who likes this! He will want to control you and have you at his beck and call! Some men will like it at first, but after a while they will lose respect for you and possibly take advantage of you. It won't benefit you in the long run.

In the past I was a pleaser, but after reading these books a few years ago I became a giver, and I am much happier with myself. I think an Elegant Black Woman should be a giver and that will also make her a keeper to others!


  1. sorry i meant the key


  2. Lol Chizzy D, now the comment makes sense! Thanks for the visit. Yes, it's good to be balanced in most things.

  3. I think these blogs are encouraging us to step back into the 50's. don't you realize there's nothing wrong with embodying strength? that docile, meek, weak mess, is it going to encourage resilience, and inner strength-- we have dealt with more than any other woman in this country and still do, this is partly why it is ingrained in our culture to be strong and a bit and your face even needed--( yes we do have a culture, everything we do from affinity for elaborate hairstyles, to our inclination to love drum based rhythms, everything we do has the derivative,) and these things can be done without falling into the black matriarch stereotype, why can't we focus on how to be strong but not a neck rolling "black matriarch"? I appreciate that you were trying to give pointers, but turning into a 60s Stepford wife of color in 2013, is not the answer. if we follow some of the things that you are trying to push, wouldnt we just be culturally assimilating?

  4. excuse the errors in the previous post (swype), but I still think we should consider these things.