Sunday, January 27, 2013

Empathy, Kindness, Hostility, and Being Strong

I wonder about people sometimes. Actually I wonder about them all the time. Sometimes I wonder why in the world did I devote so much of my life, and choose a career that involves helping people, when sometimes I just hate people and wish they would fall off a cliff?

Then I think back to my values and the idea that taking and receiving throughout one's life and never giving back is selfish and it makes someone pretty much a parasite on the back of humanity. I think about my younger years when I thought that helping others was noble and that the ideal occupation is one where you help others to better their lives. I remember empathy, the Golden Rule, and the internalized value that I must treat others the way I would like to be treated:

The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim, ethical code, or morality that essentially states either of the following:
(Positive form of Golden Rule): One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.
(Negative form of Golden Rule): One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated.

1. the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feelings  
2. the attribution to an object, such as a work of art, of one's own emotional or intellectual feelings about it

In my opinion, I think about being empathetic a lot. I think about how the other person will react to what I am saying. I think about whether the person will feel disrespected. I don't assume that they are super strong or confident, and actually to be on the safe side I assume that they are not. That way I treat them more delicately than others might. This is because I concern myself with those who are more vulnerable since those who are strong can handle most things. 

What I wonder though is if there are enough people doing the same thing. I think there may be too many people, online especially, who are very "strong". By strong I mean hardened or cold by nature or perhaps due to being constantly treated without empathy. These people have always been able to take more than others or they developed a hard shell to protect them from the world's harshness. They are harder than most other people and expect others to be as strong as they are. If one can not handle the same levels of disrespect, criticism, abuse, neglect, insults, or ridicule then strong people may call you "weak, childish, useless, ignorant, immature" and other belittling comments. It's like someone who can easily lift 200 pounds ridiculing the average person who can not do so. The strong people do not realize that their level of tolerance is way higher than everyone else's and they should not be comparing themselves to most other people. 

How does this affect empathy? Well have you ever noticed that some people who grow up in nurturing and responsive environments tend to be more nurturing and responsive to others? Have you also noticed that those who grow up rough may treat other people roughly? They scoff when others are unable to tolerate the same living conditions and call those people "weak". I think these strong people need to check themselves and figure out if their capacity to empathize has been thrown off due to their unique nature or life experiences. What they believe is tolerable may actually be intolerable to the average person. When one's capacity to empathize is out of whack one can appear mean, cruel, disrespectful, insulting, hostile, aggressive, impatient, and really insensitive. 

These people do not consider that others can not tolerate what they can and instead insist that others simply tolerate more, sometimes instantly! They look down with supercilious disdain, contempt, and even disgust  for those of lower tolerance. They say, "get a tougher skin", "get some backbone", "toughen up", "you're too weak", "grow up" etc., sometimes with an implied kick while the person is already down. I wonder if they ever take a look in the mirror and wonder what happened to their empathy? How do they allow themselves to be so cruel and why do they take pleasure in that cruelty? Why are they unable to place themselves in someone else's shoes and say something kind and helpful? Do they ever take into account evidence that others are not as strong as they are by choosing to be less harsh? Or do they just insist that they are the ideal and there must be zero tolerance for anyone who is not as strong as they are? Are they completely unable to think of a time when they themselves were less strong and would have benefited from more kindness? 

It's kind of sad wondering what happened to these people to make them so hard and unable to be empathetic to those who are not as strong. Hardness and lack of empathy is especially unpleasant and unusual in women. I think that the way we treat those weaker than ourselves is an important indicator of one's good character and humanity. How you treat others says something about who you are on a deep level. I think the world would benefit from some more humanity. Please be kind to others even those different from yourself. Remember, the day may come when you too are down. It may be one of us, who have been there before, that will help to pick you back up :)


  1. Elegance,

    I really admire you. i see a lot of you in me. I am a big picture thinker and often times I want to change the world. i want to help people do better and be better. It doesn’t matter to me that my life is very blessed and I am doing well. i always empathize with people on a greater level.

    Sometimes to a fault, that opens one up for being attacked and judged in the wrong way. Some people just don’t want to be helped and they become very viscous.

    I too am starting to question this belief that I can contribute to helping certain people and groups. I am starting to realize a lot of times people simply do not want to change.

    My heart hurt to see the way they attacked you personally for that article you wrote. MY GOD you are just trying to lend a much more healthier way of looking at how women are creating a bigger hole for themselves in the dating/mating arena by irresponsible risky behavior.

    It hurts my heart that on a Blog intended for Black women to come together in support of creating better lifestyles and ways of living for ourselves that YOU and your article would be picked apart and torn to shreds and misinterpreted. Not only that, to attack and make claims about the person’s personal life is immature. WHY? All b/c that person the person simply bringing in a different POV?

    You were not writing a thesis paper where you had to have scientific supporting data to back up your claims. I though it was very clear you were coming from YOUR OWN idea and opinions. Its a blog for crying out loud.

    I appreciate you and your willingness in stepping outside of the box. More BW simply do not realize that a lot of our struggle is b/c maybe we do not really know what it is we truly want to do to make our lives better. I find talking and thinking is all good, but when it comes to self-reflection people have a hard time.

    They say a hit dog hollars. I feel that when someone is attacked and picked apart for something they wrote simply from a POV, it has hit home (not in a good way) to the people who are picking out nuances to the overall purpose and point of the piece.

    I am amazed at the level of how you were attacked. But like I said, when it comes time for sefl reflection, people get nasty and defensive.

    Take that as a reflection on THEM and not YOURSELF!

    And please do not allow people to drive your message away. I don;t care how uncomfortable it makes them. There are always differing POV’s on issues and just b/c the one you read doesn’t make you comfortable, doesn’t mean you should try to make that person feel ashamed or lacking in intelligence.

  2. Hey Neecy,

    Aww thanks you are such a sweetheart...and gorgeous too lol :)

    Well let me tell you I was SHOCKED the way people reacted to my article. I thought this stuff was very commonplace to hear about.

    I thought that most people were familiar with the meet guy, date for a while to get to know each other, and then when the feelings are deep enough you can commit and later have sex if you want. I thought that most people try to do this and think it is ideal, but they may have sex faster or casual sex sometimes. But I had no idea they held old school dating and casual sex on the same level of normalcy and acceptability. I always thought the casual thing was less than ideal for most people.

    The thing is, most guys I've talked to and read about agree with me. So the women can hate my views as much as they want but if most men agree with me then they have a problem.

    In my opinions the some of the commenters, who I feel were quite rude and attacking me personally. Implying I don't have the common sense to pick a good guy and I should automatically know he's fast is ridiculous! Yeah, I do blame promiscuous women for the state of dating today and there is science to back that up. Of course people didn't seem to read the posted articles explaining the sex market place and they dismissed everything as though I made it all up because I'm bitter or something.

  3. On top of that, I quit by privately emailing Christelyn and intended to walk away because I already have my own blog with like minded people. I was asked to blog at BB&W and said I would try it out. Due to the reaction to my last post I thought it must not be the right audience for me and I decided to leave. It was no big deal because I've had this blog for over 2 years and I like the small audience here who rarely comments.

    Of course those with a grudge could not let it go and insist on belittling me for not putting up with their abuse like a good mule should. Sorry but I have no reason on earth to put myself in a position to be constantly insulted for the purpose of entertaining rude strangers! Plus they expected me to somehow know the way large blogs worked when I rarely read large blogs or even the comments! Yes I'm silly for not knowing something I had no experience with.

    You are so right, some people just want to do whatever and don't want to be helped. It's the rest of us who will have to protect ourselves from their STD, pay for their OOW babies, and try to find a man among men spoiled by easy sex. If really wonder, if these women found out that their casual sex partners thought they were garbage, filthy, and not worthy of marriage if that would even change anything. Maybe what men say about it will matter to them.

    I had absolutely no idea people would react that way. I've read BWE blogs before and what I say is not much different from them. I thought BB&W had a similar audience. I guess not.

    Thank you so much for your kind words, support, and ability to write down ideas that make sense! I really appreciate it :)

  4. Like I said, i believe alot of the pushback stems from hitting to close to home. i cannot see how an article like that would cause women to bring out the claws - especially on a blog that like that where the PREMISE was created and founded on Black women living healthier lives, vetting men properly and one in which the blogstress herself is a strong proponent and CREATOR of NWNW which pretty much says that women need to make better more responsible choices in thier sexual lives as to avoid creating a bigger burden for herself and future offspring?????

    And like you said, more men I believe WISH deep down that more women were harder to get sexually. That is b/c men love a challenge. Does that mean they are not going to turn down an easy lay with an attractive woman? No. but deep down its in a mans nature to be the hunter. the chaser. Men like that challenge. Not to mention the quality men out there who have to sift through a bunch of emotionally damaged women who have used sex as a gateway to win a man over. They too suffer b/c its hard to find decent quality women these days for them to marry and pro create with. A lot of men FEAR these days (quality men) getting together with a woman that believed she could be a floosie in her hey day and then expect a quality man to come and swoop her up like some WHite knight and make an honest woman out of her. WHAT NERVE some women have thinking they can live double lives and benefit!

    REAL men like women who are confident and feminine. And femininity is all about sexual restraint and high judgement on the types of men you allow into your body and space. About being above a lot of the animalistic things and urges that come with men and women as to create a balance and better society. This is where women hold power.

    Too many women are trying to gain power in ways and places they do not belong. The sex arena. Casual sex is not EMPOWERING. Its one the of EASIEST ways to appeal to a man. Some women act as if sex is so powerful. UHM its NOT! Its the lowest demoninator you can appeal to when it comes to a man. LOL. Try winning a real masculine quality man’s HEART! Some women act like an easy act such as sex is so grand and makes them better women b/c they can do it.

    Just b/c you have the RIGHT to do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it.

    And then there is the case of the wanting men to respect women beyond our sexual being as women. Wanting men to see beyond us sexually and respect all of the other qualities we bring to the table as women. How can you ask for that YET try to appeal and win men over by acting like them sexually?

    The mind boggles!

  5. Honestly I do not blame you for walking away. I too plan on walking away from that blog although I love Christelyn to bits. i love her passion and energy, but I walked away before from that blog b/c of the participants and its time to do it again and possibly for good.

    I just can no longer waste time and energy arguing with people who just do not get it b/c they cannot see the forest for the trees. I am not trying to make people agree with me. but when you are blatantly miscontruing my words and points to fit into your narrow view, it becomes exhausting repeating and re-iterating the same points over an over again.

    I need to put more energy and focus into my blog as well where I can create the message I want for the audience I want. I will not tolerate certain mindsets on my blog and after this debate on your article, It has become clear to me to be even more NARROW with my focus on trying to find like minded progressive thinking Black women who want to create change for women like us.

    I look forward to coming by and reading more of your positive posts on femininity and how the Black women WHO WANT to really make a change for themselves and not just TALK that TALK. Its time for BW to poop or get off the pot. You either want to change for the better or stay the same.

  6. Hi Elegance.I didn't read the article which neecy and you were discussing.Just wanted to comment on this one in general.

    I can definitely relate to this post.I too, truly wonder about humanity and the direction we are heading in.I have observed and was involved in incidence where people where "outright" cruel.Which leads me to question,"what possess individuals to behave in such a non-empathetic manner and think that their actions are justified".

    In my opinion people who behave cruelly have a illness.They either have serious personal issues and need someone to take it out on ;or they hate themselves and anyone who "resembles" them.

    However, the thing that baffles me ;these same non-empathetic
    people are somewhat praised in society as being strong-minded,highly confident,big personality,even funny etc.Meanwhile an empathetic individual, as you stated is seen as weak,boring,childlike and so forth.It seems like society has reverse these characteristics.

    To be cruel is to be childlike and weak.It is so easy to insult someone because we have insecurities.It takes strong individual to treat someone with compassion even if they may have their own personal issues.

    The truth is if we all learn to empathize more with each other,a lot of worldly and personal problems can be solved.

  7. Well we really see eye to eye on this one! All the things you said about men I have heard over, and over, and over on men's blogs and magazines. These women should really hear what men have to say. Plus this is basically what is said in The Rules, He's Just Not Into YOu, and Men are from Mars Women are From Venus which is written by a psychologist relationship counsellor!

    Exactly, how do women expect to be seen as more than just sex objects if they make themselves into sex objects??? Just because some are lucky enough to find men that don't care (I question the quality of those men anyway) doesn't mean it will be so easy for the rest of us.

    Oh and you know a REALLY hypocritical thing? Feminists go on and on about slut shaming and how its related to rape or something. But no one AT ALL noted that men expecting casual sex from women can actually lead to coerced sex and even rape. I think someone finally made a comment about that. They use the same arguments the women did, "Casual sex doesn't make you a bad person, you shouldn't be ashamed to do it with me (a guy you barely know), it's fun and feels good and everyone else is doing it etc. They use those lines to coerce women into bed, especially young girls. They lie about wanting relationships and loving the girl, she has sex, and then they dump her because she didn't date him long enough for him to develop feelings. No one on that site was concerned about that. I noticed they didn't reference any of the things I posted either!

    These women act like "being supportive" makes them more evolved and ethical or something. I wonder, what would they say if a friend wanted to do crack, become a prostitute, gamble their life savings, get risky and unnecessary plastic surgery, abandon their kids etc? Would they say "Just do what's right for you and it doesn't matter what anyone else wants". Or would they be good friends and responsible people and say "NO those are very bad ideas, don't do it". They would allow anything even allowing people to harm themselves. I do not need friends like that standing around watching me destroy myself.

    You know, I think that some people just have a grudge against me because they don't like femininity, they don't like that I criticize feminists, and they don't like any talk about gender that isn't totally ambiguous. Plus, Jamila doesn't like me because on my blog I used one of her posts as one of many examples of negativity, complaining, and playing the victim.

  8. There was a time when I walked away from the site too due to a blog argument. But it was really hard finding a black women's blog that had frequent posts that were pretty well written and legible comments. I'm a niche blog and there are 2 others that I know are about black femininity but they don't update regularily.

    The arguing for no good reason is just stressful and not healthy. I'll never understand why they think putting out an idea means I'm trying to control women's sex lives! Yet they keep saying that and implying that this thinking gets in the way of me finding a guy. Like I stay home all day ranting about loose women! It was a blog post and if the comments had been better I wouldn't even be writing about it 2 days later.

    Just like you said, the post was for women to consider the larger impact of their behaviours. Sex norms exist and they do change. It's my responsibility to make sure I don't contribute to the problem by sleeping around just as I try not to contribute to financial, enviornmental, and other social problems by changing and controlling myself. I don't go out enforcing things, I just control myself.

    It's really weird, you can't talk about risky sex with slut-shaming being brought up just like you can't talk about fitness without fat-shaming coming up. Their solution to these issues is just not to talk about them unless you are saying how great they are.

    Oh so what's your blog address so I can visit?

  9. Hi there ms. loyal :)

    Oh I totally agree. Actually I think that people have been wondering about cruelty for a really long time. I just encountered some of it on a blog so I was really shocked by it. I guess it's that whole thing where anonymous people on blogs are crueler than they would be in real life. But I think that for women's mental health we should not tolerate mistreatment anywhere and it is fine to walk away, especially if that person is a stranger you have nothing to do with. I wish people had more empathy.

    Thanks for your comment :)

  10. Elegance,

    let me tell you. I have frequented MALE Player blogs. Literally the man's lockeroom. And even in all the stuff they say, I read between the lines and see that even the most doggish of men cannot understand why women are so willing to freely have sex with them and other men they know are no good and have no good intentions.

    The whole premise of the player lifestyle is to take advantage of sometimes unknowing women who are easily bedded and women who just like to sleep around.

    These men have seen the breakdown of the feminine qualities of women and are taking advantage of it. Not only that, you get to see how hypocritical women can be when listening to some of these men who get these "easy women" who then turn around and want to be loved and respected for other qualities. Well when sex is the MAIN quality you use to appeal to a man, then don't be surprised if that is how he responds to you and sees you.

    Like you said. NO MAN OF QUALITY who has the best options in the best women would not care about a woman's sexual past and history. No man in his right mind would simply overlook that unless he has some major flaws himself or unless he doesn't plan on taking the woman seriously for anything more than a sexual quest. But when it comes to marriage, long term relationships decent men want DECENT WOMEN.

    Also. Let's be clear. Feminine women today ARE.THE.ENEMY. That is b/c so many women are working so hard to be on the same level and status as MEN that anything that threatens that "fight" to be "equal to a man" (whatever that means) is considered a weakness.

    You know who really hates women? WOMEN! Feminist women these days (not really of the past) but moreso in the last 3-4 decades really hate everything that reminds them of being a woman. They hate that idea bc they want to be men so much. They ENVY men b/c men are powerful in ways that women aren't.

    YET instead of women finding what makes us powerful in ways that MEN AREN'T we tout anything feminine as "WEAK, SUBMISSIVE, DOCILE". isn't that crazy? That women create these lowly adjectives for what femininity adn true womanhood is? Women these days hate everything about being a woman. That is why they reject common sense articles like the one you wrote about feminism being the cause of the breakdown in quality relationships between men and women.

    expect the easy things they can use to gain male attention and affection (thier bodies). How hypocritical and backwards is this thought process??

    Like you said. SO many people on that blog are so caught up in tip toeing that line of "its your life do you cause it doesn't affect me" baloney, that they will never UNDERSTAND the real battle they are up against as women. We do not live in a bubble. Society is made up of actions, thoughts and behaviors of people. The more people jump onto an idea or way of doing an thinking, it AFFECTS society and sways society that way as a whole!

    The more people who act like "it doesn't affect them" the more people become AFFECTED. Sometimes its embaressing to admit a reality especially when its your group making these things a reality. Some women simply will never own up to their own bad behaviors as being part of the problem.

  11. OMG Neecy,

    I have been on the PUA sites too! I have been picked up by PUAs 3 times offline and one told me about it. I know about the Men's Rights guys and the Men Going Their Own Way guys who have refused to date American women and are searching for foreigners. Women need to read these blogs so they can vet for players and find out what some men really think about women.

    I keep hearing the beta ones complain that women slept around with alphas and come to them for marriage and they don't want it. Sleeping around hurts the nice guys who could have been good partners but are now bitter and angry PUAs.

    I'm a big proponent of femininity and I've heard so much from men that they prefer it. But instead feminists fight to change men's preferences instead of just being nice and less angry all the time.

    Seriously, where did that "Do you" thing come from? Who started that ridiculousness? People don't know that what they do affects others? They live in bubbles and everyone ignores what they do? I don't know, I grew up evaluating the pros and cons of my decisions and that included social consequences. I always think about the consequences even the long term ones. i really need to find out who started that "Do you" business because I never heard of it until a couple of years ago.

  12. I was really disappointed with some of the comments on the blog. I think that some people are desensitized from the other blogs they visit. Just because those other blogs allow "ratchet," rude commenters doesn't mean you have to do something that is a low grade, "less harmful" version of rudeness and passive-aggressiveness.

    People need to admit that there is a PROBLEM with this. Hello. This is not the first time that an original poster has been run off the blog. And then people are complaining about how the original poster can't "take it." If multiple people are saying they can't "take it," then perhaps it is time to do some self-reflection and look to soften the blow!

    I really don't care if it's the Internet. People are still people whether in real life or the Internet. Just because other people are rude on the Internet doesn't give you the okay to be rude to. But then, I guess it's social norms at play, which kind of supports the original point in your last post, doesn't it?

    I think I'm taking a break from that blog. I love Chris and her efforts and some of the posters (e.g. I love the TheWorkingHomeKeeper's comments and think she always keeps it classy, and I'm going to miss reading MySmile's comments b/c we're around the same age and I can relate), but I'm getting more and more negative vibes from the comments section. It is sad because I've enjoyed a lot of the perspectives I read. Even though I rarely agree with *everything* that *everyone* says, I can find something I agree with/relate to in most of the posts I read.

  13. Oh, yeah, people really seem to be in denial about how this whole hookup culture has affected people, especially younger people like myself. I have acquaintances who gave away their virginity to short-term relationships or one-night stands, etc. not because they wanted to, but because they felt they had to. It wasn't realistic to them to wait to have sex until marriage, or even until a committed relationship!

    Still a virgin myself, but I've never been the type to get swayed easily into a relationship. I've been lucky enough to have guys treat me like a queen (the same ones who have ironically treated the other girls who sleep around like dirt), but there are impressionable young people out there who WILL fall for the hype and sleep with someone because they feel it will give them a leg-up in relationships or the sexual marketplace. I'm glad you alluded to this side of things.

  14. Hi onthewaydown,

    I think you've commented here before so welcome or welcome back.

    Honestly, I had NO IDEA that my article would be reacted to in that way. I was TOTALLY SHOCKED! I have the same article posted here, and many similar ones with no comments or barely any! On a small blog like this with few readers who seem to like to read here, I rarely get dissenting comments and I guess I get away with MUCH more heated articles here. Plus my tolerance for rudeness is super high here and I just delete comments I think are rude or just annoying to me.

    I don't read comments on sites like Bossip omg because I know they will be rude, full of cursing, and barely legible! I think BB&W is of a higher quality and there is no reason why it has to sink down to the level of other sites.

    OMG I just wrote about how references to Bossip and "taking rudeness" proves my we had a mind meld lol! It really does prove it. So what if Bossip and 1000 other sites allow for rude comments, BB&W does not have to conform to that norm. People who don't accept that norm are not weak, they are just different and (lol) they should not be prude shamed into opening themselves up to rudeness when it goes against their values! They prude shamed me big time lol...maybe they shouldn't be reading so many blogs and they should keep their eyes closed lol...ok that was going too far but lol. Its funny and sad at the same time.

    Honestly, I just wrote it as an opinion piece that wasn't personal. I thought people would take it or leave it and just discuss the points raised and the linked articles. Yeah I don't think I'll write about feminists over there anymore but I write about them a lot over here.

    On the other site people asked me personal questions and I answered (BIG MISTAKE and lesson learned). Then they used my answers against me. In fact, I think many of them were just using my comments from a post from last week against me. I'll never answer personal questions again and I'll rarely if ever comment.

    I just responded to some attacks over there because the mods should really be saying something about it but they are not. I flagged a comment but it was ignored.

    Well I think that it's okay to read the articles over there but sometimes it's bet to avoid the comments. BB&W has pretty good articles compared to some sites (I tried to find similar content elsewhere but the posts were less frequent, of poorer quality, and the comments are usually worse). The comments can ruin the whole experience because there is no way in the world I would take that disrespect in real life from strangers! Why should I, I don't owe them anything.

    Thanks so much for your comment. That was "an experience". Actually, a couple of times people reposted my work on large sites and people flipped out there too. My commentary is not for everyone.

  15. Hello Elegance,

    There is no malice in this whatsoever but I truly hope you stay away from that blog.

    I read you here and while I don't agree with everything you say, I find you to be extremely intelligent and insightful and a lady. Heck, you've inspired me to ditch pants for dresses.

    I do not think that blog is the best home for your talents and it was fascinating to me, a person who reads both blogs, to see your work there and to see it so thoroughly and deliberately misunderstood. It helped to show ME that it was not a positive place or a good place for me to spend my time and energy.

    Keep on being your wise and kind self and I will keep on reading you, right here.

  16. Hey there Anonymous,

    "I do not think that blog is the best home for your talents and it was fascinating to me, a person who reads both blogs, to see your work there and to see it so thoroughly and deliberately misunderstood."

    Your'e telling me! I'm actually having so many LOL right now because it was just not at all what I was expecting! I could never imagine that someone on A BLOG would accuse me of not being able to write critically and complain about the way I provide evidence for my opinions...seriously? IT'S THE INTERNET not a university classroom lol! Mercy!

    I just had to think to myself, you know when I post here I don't write with the expectation that ANYONE will read it. I don't know there is a total disconnect. I see from my blog stats that people have seen the page, but because there are few comments I assume they didn't read, got there by accident, or were so offended they ran off or something.

    So it's quiet and I just write whatever and now I'm realizing I get away with things here that I would never get away with on a blog with a large and varied audience. Boy I did not think this thing through at all lol!

    Well I said I would continue blogging there because someone asked but I will be really being careful about what I write there. I might even do tame versions for there and uncensored versions here.

    You know, many things aren't so negative on other posts. I thought it was pretty matter of fact but I guess it was completely inflammatory to some people there. Seriously, I criticize feminists like every week here lol!

    Well thanks for reading my blog and not being completely horrified and offended by what I write, you've got moxie Anonymous ;)

  17. Hi Elegance,

    I read your article on BBW and I think that it really struck a cord with some people. However, I really enjoyed reading it and it really showed me a new perspective on something that I thought I already "sorted out".

    I really love your blog and reading your posts. I just started my journey on femininity and your blog is one of my main resources. So I hope that you continue writing :)

    Oh I was wondering if you are going to do a post on past management if you had a not so feminine past?

  18. Hey Amara,

    "I read your article on BBW and I think that it really struck a cord with some people."

    By struck a cord do you mean I made their heads explode and I am now on some of their Most Hated Woman Lists? LOL!

    Thanks darling, I am glad I can be of help and I hope that becoming more feminine gets you everything you want and need in life :)

    "Oh I was wondering if you are going to do a post on past management if you had a not so feminine past?"

    Ohhhh...ummmm. Yeah I wasn't planning to do a post but you are asking me for advice...

    I believe in being honest and not having big lies in one's relationship. I'm assuming we are talking about number here? Lying would be dishonest.

    But how can I advise someone to do something that could potentially ruin or even prevent relationships they really need and want? It would be risky to assume a man would not care about your number. Even when they say they wouldn't care, they may not be able to control their negative reaction.

    So, if I put your best interests first I would say, don't bring up your past experience. If he won't let it go then be very vague. If still won't let it go and needs to know your number...lie. And keep that secret for the rest of your life because it may be a huge betrayal for him if he finds out. He may not believe that you are the great person you are now.

    To make up for the lie be the best partner you can and cut him some slack sometimes because you (and no one else) is perfect. So that would be my advice. Hope that helps :)

    Now if you are talking about something else then I might have different advice. If you are just talking about the fact that you used to be more masculine...I don't think that's a big deal. You can just tell him that you were mixed up and following the trends but you figured out that being feminine was the better way for you. People are always learning and growing so that's admirable :)

  19. Hi,

    I just wanted to say that I read your article and I thought you were spot on. But I honestly wasn't surprised at the way the women reacted. Unfortunately one of the reasons why I limit my time on BB&W is the commenters who while they claim to be "pro black women" are really just mules for modern feminism.
    Further a lot of them seem to have a problem with anything truly feminine. Heck one commenter once said that she thought that stay at home moms were less important because they don't *actually* make any money. Those women also seem to think that promiscuity is actually helping anything. Unfortunately they don't seem to grasp cause and effect.
    Anyone with two eyes can see the changes promiscuity, hook up culture and casual sex has had they have had and how they've changed dating norms.
    Anyways I think its wise for you to stay away. Unfortunately those women think "pro woman"= promiscuous.

    btw muslimbushido wrote a blog post about the reactions to your post it seems to be in defense of your post

  20. Hi onelesssoldier :)

    Thanks for the visit :) Yes the comments can sometimes cause one's blood to boil and I was really surprised by how angry people were about it. I didn't think it was such a big deal because I've read SO MANY newspaper, magazine articles, and blog posts, and video commentaries about this stuff. It just seemed incredible that people were not understanding the current reality and instead focusing on the way things "should be".

    This whole shaming business is ridiculous and I do blame feminists for this. Sleeping around because you enjoy it is one thing, but and influential group telling women to do it to be empowered is something else.

    Well I will still blog there but now I do know what to expect so I will tread with caution.

    Wow thanks for the link. I read it and yes it did make a great link to the current dating situation and the denial of gay activists when AIDS first started. Denial of the reality and refusal to take precautions. I actually thought that blog had shut down so that's really cool. Women, especially Black women have to be cautious given the stereotypes and odds that are already against us. We need to be more protective of ourselves and think more about what we are doing.

    Thanks for commenting :)

  21. I stopped reading BBW over a year ago. Too many "Black man" this articles that I never cared about. Also just because someone is open to interracial dating does not mean they are progressive or even have any sense (as that blog shows). I'm not attached to Christlynn, so leaving was not a big deal. Another Clutch Magazine if you will, not really worth effort. While you said you will blog over there, I really wish you won't. It's a waste and you have been doing splendid work here.

  22. Oh hey ladies,

    I don't want this to be a BB&W bashing post. That's not nice or fair to all the writers there who were not even involved. That is a big site with lots of different articles.

    Basically, I and everyone else is bothered by some INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE and the way they acted. Christelyn is not responsible for what those commenters write and has asked them to stop more than once. The entire site, all the writers, and all the polite and thoughtful commenters should not be blamed for a few rude people.

    Things have sometimes blown up, but some individual people are just very argumentative and act really harsh because they have learned it from visiting other sites.

    I have no control over what you read but please lets not confuse an entire community of hundreds (if not thousands) of people with the handful that were being rude on my post. I feel that I should defend the good people of that community and I won't condemn everyone.

    But know for sure, there are some writers who's posts I will never read and never comment on. And there are some commenters (I should write down a list) who I will never respond to on that site ever again because they have repeatedly taught me how they tend to respond. There is no need to give them second chances to bother me.

    1. Sorry Elegance if you thought I was bashing, but the truth of the matter is it only takes a few to ruin the pot. The blog is not suffering from my non-readership and I don't feel I'm missing anything without it. #Winwin Looking forward to your new posts.

  23. I think its sad that women think being a sen dump equals power. Have you noticed how desperate girls look today? Their eyes dont look right. Being fem is better than YOUTH

  24. The website's owner sets the rules and the parameters of the space in which she allows people to comment. If the posters are nasty, it is because they were allowed to be nasty. No one can walk up into somebody else's space and spew venom without the permission of the owner. And if the readers of that site also visit dead, unproductive spaces (like mediatakeout or bossip...really...), that speaks volumes. The audience in that particular blog was far more advanced than that when it just started. There are different incentives at play, such as allowing controversy to stand in order to get more page hits, etc. However, there is usually a cost associated with that - and without boundaries, you will lose some of your credibility.