What's The Elephant in Your Room?

This is a very intriguing and important video that Shanda has made. She addresses the fact that sometimes there is something very wrong going on in our homes or relationships that some people, couples, and families choose to ignore. She proposes that we address these issues (in a ladylike manner) instead of letting them continue indefinitely. I think that this is a very important message.

HOWEVER, addressing an issue can only do so much. It is very difficult to change other people, especially adults, if they have power over you, or if the behaviour or situation you want them to change could actually harm them in some way. In these instances your addressing the issues may not change anything other than letting them know you are unhappy. All you can do is state what the problem is, what you want to happen, and what the consequence will be if what you want does not happen (often taught in assertiveness and conflict resolution courses [good article]).

Even if what you want does not happen at least you tried. After this lack of success then the next step falls on you...what are you going to do now that the situation has not changed? Are you going to put up with it, leave, find someone with more authority to help you, go on strike, yell, or try something different? You have to do something besides just blaming the other person/people and waiting for them to change. If you decide to live with the situation that is YOUR choice and there are others would would react differently depending on their personal circumstances, resources, and character. Because of this you are partially responsible for the situations that you allow to continue or live in. Maybe the best thing to do is try to change some of your other current circumstances, increase your resources, improve your character, try something different, or remove yourself from the situation.

I think that we often are the cause of the "Elephant in the room" because of our own negative, self-destructive, or socially suicidal behaviours! Many of us need to take a hard look in the mirror, recognize, and accept that in some areas of our lives we have made poor choices, hurt others, and hurt ourselves. Perhaps if we had not ignored our personal failings and flaws and instead had the courage to change or improve our circumstances then we would be much happier today instead of regretting our apathy, fear of change, and worries about social backlash.

I'll end this post with one of my favorite quotes:

Related Articles:
Conflict resolution from Mind Tools (Many people have no idea about conflict resolution and instead insist that one person, usually the man, makes the final decision...it doesn't have to be that way! Excellent website for self-improvement!!!)
Conflict resolution (Great!)
How and when to use I statements
I statements

Being Imperfect and Complaining About Those You Care About

Lol, Shanda reminds me of a cross between Marylin Monroe and Sandra (Jackee from 227) because she has this bombshell look and a sultry yet cute voice :) It's a good video about the fact that no one is perfect and that's okay. All we can do is try our best, try to improve, and be understanding of ourselves when we fail. We can change if we want to. What stood out for me the most was that we have to remember that other people are watching us and that we are role models to others and with that role comes responsibility. We are responsible for our image and if you want to be respected or seen as intelligent, desirable, friendly, marriage material, or feminine then you must present yourself as such instead of feeling entitled to those labels automatically. 

This video sends an important message that I think every EBW should heed. When you complain about someone you may bias the listener against that person. This can be harmful to you if you are complaining about someone you care about (e.g., you boyfriend, husband, child, or friend) because then the listener may treat that person negatively or encourage you to distance yourself from them. In fact, if they insist you leave the person and you refuse that could hurt your relationship with the listener! Talking behind someone's back in a negative manner is never nice but of course people want to talk about their relationship problems in order to cope.

So I think that we have to do such things in moderation, try to not be entirely negative and show more balance, make note of your role in the conflicts, and be aware of the possible negative consequences of complaining. You don't want to become Negative Nancy who is always complaining but never doing anything to improve your situation. Furthermore, if you are speaking so negatively about someone you care about the listener may wonder if you are not doing the same thing behind their back!

A Pro Man Woman

I agree with Shanda in this video and I am loving her YouTube channel. How can women expect men to listen to them if they scream "I don't care what men think" all the time? You can't treat people in a disrespectful way and expect to be respected in return.  I can listen to a man's opinion and desires and agree and conform to them if they suit my needs, fit with my goals and values, and do not seem impossible or unreasonable to me. I won't be a robot or a slave but I think men and women can do things to please each other and that doesn't make them weak. I think this is just the way people get along with each other. I'm guessing that many of the same women who say "I don't need a man" are the same ones saying " I don't care what men think". Well both attitudes will definitely make you look less attractive to men because who wants to be with someone who doesn't need them and doesn't care what they think?

I agree with Shanda that a lot of this attitude started because of feminism. Women wanted their opinions to be heard too, not just men's, and that is a good thing. But instead of just insisting on being heard it has gone to the extreme with some women only caring about what they want and totally disregarding what men want. What happened to treating everyone as equals? That's fine if you don't want to interact with men at all, but how do you expect to get along with someone if you reject everything they say? I know that some of this is a reaction to men only valuing women for their beauty, insisting they don't work, and being overly controlling but it has gone too far with some women. I think it's fine to reject men's ideas if they are too unrealistic, harmful, detrimental to one's health or self-esteem, but not everything is unreasonable. If a man says he loves women in dresses and high heels I won't be outraged because those things do look great on many women (but I won't be wearing heels if he expects me to be walking a lot because that would be painful and unreasonable).

There needs to be more balance. This also extends to the whole "me me me" selfish attitude some people have where it's all about them, they don't care if their actions hurt anyone else, and only they know what's right and wrong (or don't care as long as it benefits them). There is such a thing as being too liberal and the "anything goes" attitude can get people into trouble and actually hurt others.