If I Were a Poor Black Woman: If I Were a Poor Black Kid Response

Most of you have probably heard or read about the Forbes editorial called "If I Were a Poor Black Kid" written by Gene Marks, a middle-aged White man. It was about his list of things he would do to get out of poverty, including buying an inexpensive computer, using internet resources, making good grades your number one priority, trying to get a private school scholarship etc. Okay, please don't send me death threats...but when I first read it I thought it was a good article with great advice! I thought to myself, if I had those resources growing up I would have done even better in school! Well, there has been TONS of negative feedback about the article. It seemed almost unanimous that people thought the guy was out of touch. I guess that means I'm out of touch too. The feedback made me realize that I can't relate to African Americans in many ways, especially poor African Americans. The first step is admitting it right?

My parents grew up poor in the Caribbean (worse than American poor in some ways) and then came to Canada. They both obtained university degrees (my mother has 2). They were middle class. They always pressured me to do well in school and acted like anything less than an A wasn't good enough (that hurt my feelings at the time but I guess it was for the best). So I worked as hard as I could in school, got an undergraduate degree, master's, and now I'm almost finished my doctorate. So when I read Mr. Marks' editorial I thought about all the ways his advice fits with what I was told in the past what I think would have helped me. A few years ago I actually tried to gather online resources that would be useful for the Black community, so even then I thought using the internet and technology was a great idea that could help us.

I am middle class and I like middle class people and their values. I think Black people make up only 2% of Canada's population, most of us are from the Caribbean (some from Africa), none of our ancestors were enslaved here, and there was no Jim Crow. All the people I know, went to school with, and will work with in the future probably think like Marks too. I think I might get along better with him than many of the people commenting on his post. So what does that mean? Well I think that negative stereotypes about Black women affect all Black women, no matter where they are from, or what class they are in. Because we are a minority group outside of the Caribbean and Africa, we will be categorized as an "other" and the majority will think we are all the same (i.e., they will expect most Black women to be loud, obnoxious, promiscuous, obese, etc. before they even meet us). So that means all Black women need to work on the image of Black women. But it also means that I am giving advice from my personal experience that may be quite different from African American women or women who are poor. Yes, I've read several books about African American history, but that's not the same thing now is it? Also, I'm not planning on joining any community groups or trying to change the system either because I have to focus on my own life right now (just like most people).

Reading the negative feedback made me really notice how much anger and defensiveness there is in some African American people! When I was reading AA history I became angry too and blogs and videos maintained the fire. I became angry about racism and discrimination that holds Black people back even though (despite a struggle) I have succeed at my educational and career goals. I was mad about slavery and blamed all White people even though no one alive today participated in slavery, especially the people in Canada. Online there was so much anger, self-defeating talk, competitiveness, sexism, and extreme negativity! So for a while I stopped reading, commenting, or thinking about Black issues to get away from the negativity. I went back to dating interracially and not limiting my entertainment to Black culture. I just like what I like now and try to look for the good in things rather than rejecting things entirely. I stopped being an angry Black women who didn't have much to personally be angry about. I finally came back to start this blog after seeing that YouTube video by that Ethiopian woman that assaulted the image of Black women. Her negativity made me want to do something positive, in my own way, with my limited student budget, that might help on an individual level (just as Mark's thought his editorial could help on an individual level).

So, am I much different from him? I read things and blog about it. I find things that I like and incorporate them into my life and I share that with everyone. I give suggestions. But I know and acknowledge that many women won't have access to the internet or this blog, and won't have the means to buy new clothes or make-up. But I do provide online resources that they obviously have access to if they are reading this blog (the same thing Marks was probably assuming). People complained that little kids would never read Forbes...but other adults obviously have and have spread it all around the internet. Maybe they could give the article to their kids and see if they are actually overwhelmed by it or it they want to try some of his suggestions. At least maybe they will visit the websites he suggested. If you are not a poor Black kid, how do you know they would reject everything he said? If not a poor Black kid, maybe a middle or working class kid of any ethnicity might like it. In the end though, it was just an editorial, one page of suggestions from one man...is it really such a big deal? What advice would you give to a poor Black kid?

Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women!!!

Yes, the post title is full of hyperbole but it is sort of true :) As those of you familiar with this blog can tell, I have been struggling to figure out why people keep criticizing Black women for being unfeminine. I've explored some areas where we can change to improve our feminine appearance and mannerisms:

• clothing and fashion
• make-up
• hair
• smiling
• manners and etiquette
• embracing feminine qualities
• body weight
• independence (boasting too much about it)
• listening to masculine music
• traditional hobbies (e.g., cooking, sewing both very practical skills)
• reducing overt sexuality

Some people even say that because of our dark skin tone people will automatically judge us to be masculine. I don't believe in that though. A woman can be very dark and highly feminine (like many African models) or very light and highly masculine (e.g., Rosie O-Donnell anyone?). It's so outdated especially considering how many light-skinned women tan today. I don't think it's only dark skinned Black women who are being called masculine so that defeats the argument. Being feminine is a combination of many traits.

I think I there was one very important trait that I was missing! The problem is that many people expect and prefer women to be passive and equate that with being feminine! The stereotype for Asian women is that they are very passive (I've learned this isn't really true). People tend to call that submissive and some men say that's what they prefer about Asian women. Passive is defined as: Accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance. Very scary when you think about it that some men seek a woman who will do whatever they want like that! Men who need this have problems and we should all avoid them! Yes, it's very feminine to be quiet, speak softly, not cause a scene, or argue, but being passive all the time will only lead others to take advantage of you and you will not get your needs met. There is a difference between being easy-going and laid-back and being a door mat or push-over for everyone else.

On the other hand, Black women are criticized for being too aggressive. Aggressive is defined as: 1) Ready or likely to attack or confront; characterized or resulting from aggression. 2. Pursuing one's aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so. It is necessary for people to defend themselves and pursue what they want but do you don't have to argue about everything and always get your way? I've heard Black women say they won't put up with the things other women do so they speak up or break up. These Black women are aggressive while other women are passive. Plus, given that some of us are constantly harassed and criticized, being passive and accepting it all would lead to victimization and depression. So what is the best way to be feminine, not be a door mat, get your needs met, and stand up for yourself? Is it even possible to do all of that?

Yes it is possible if you learn how to be assertive!!! Early when I began this blog I posted links to some articles about assertiveness but I never specifically wrote about it. I have done assertiveness training and learned about conflict resolution, but many people have not. This may be the most important thing I ever post on this blog!

Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings and assert one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others. Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person. Assertiveness comes naturally to some, but is a skill that can be learned. People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress. (source)

When I started this blog I posted many areas where I needed to improve, but I tend to be too passive instead of aggressive and I can be assertive when I need to be. This is what I think Black women need to start doing. Passive and assertive need to be our default instead of aggressive most of the time. Assertiveness training is too much to go into here but I have a list of great online resources for you to read so that you can learn how to be assertive instead of aggressive. I strongly recommend doing this! This will help you to get what you want out of life but not leave you vulnerable to the abuse of others. This will improve our communication with everyone and greatly improve the way we appear to the rest of the world. An EBW must learn how to be assertive! Yes, men should do their part and learn this too!

Articles:
Improve Your Assertiveness (excellent quality online workbook)
How to Be More Assertive (great lessons)
Setting Boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training (even better lessons)
Assertiveness Skills Training Tips (very good)
Reduce Stress with Increased Assertiveness
Learn Assertive Communication in Five Simple Steps
10 Top Tips to Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive
Six Steps to becoming Assertive
How to be Assertive with Friends or Family
Assertiveness Training

Elegant African Women

I found a few videos of African model photo shoots. I think the clothing is so beautiful and feminine. They have the same skin as Western Black women. Of course these are models so they are unusually tall and thin and there are African women who are overweight. I don't think these models are as emaciated as Western high fashion models though (which is good because curves are feminine) Do you think people would treat us better if we looked like this?

Is a lot of the criticism thrown at Black women because of our weight? We definitely don't want to develop eating disorders, go on unhealthy yo-yo diets, or take dangerous pills but we should not purposefully try to look 'thick' either. We need to be healthier and physically active and find a balance while avoiding the extremes. I think EBWs really need to embrace healthy lifestyles, focus less on getting pleasure from fatty or sugary foods, and stop worrying about ruining our hair if we get sweaty. I exercise regularly and try to eat healthy as much as possible. I'm not perfect but it's always a priority for me...is a healthy lifestyle a priority for you? Would you want to look like one of these models or do you think that would be impossible? Is it dangerous to even look at models when discussing healthy lifestyles?

This also made me think about who Black women look up to as role models. My parents are from the Caribbean, but I don't pay much attention to that culture. Would Western Black women and EBWs be better off looking at African and Caribbean women as models of femininity? They are Black after all. There is a whole film industry in Nigeria with plenty of Black actresses but I have no idea if the women portrayed would be good role models or not. Does it matter if the women live in a different culture or is it good enough that they look like us? I'm going to look more into the feminine mannerisms of African and Caribbean women and I'll write about what I find :)

Retro Femininity: Mowtown Singing Groups

Remember all of the ultra-feminine, elegant, beautiful singing groups of Motown? These women always looked classy and they were so talented. Those were the days!

Should Black Women Wear Their Natural Hair?

My answer to that question is YES! One of the most frequent criticisms I hear about Black women is that we wear too much fake hair. Let me tell you my (long) hair story. When I was a little girl my mother would put my hair in plaits and a lot of kids made fun of me and called me Medusa. Sometimes for special occasions she would use a hot comb. The hot comb was always terrifying but I liked the straight hair after. Since my hair was always in plaits or blow dried I did not know what my natural texture looked like. My hair would always be covered in Blue Magic or another grease.

It may have been fifth grade when my mother first relaxed my hair and I was made responsible for my hair care. My hair got shorter and shorter because of breakage. I used a curling iron on my bangs every day and I used drying gels and hairsprays. In eight grade my mother said my hair was breaking off and she had a hairdresser come to the house and give me a leisure curl (pretty much a Jheri curl). She didn't warn me beforehand that she was going to cut off all my relaxed hair! My hair was short and bushy, the closest to natural I had ever been. I had to spray my hair with greasy products every day. The kids at school made fun of me and treated me horribly. It was the worst year of my youth.

After two years of the leisure curl (and barely any hair growth) I went back to the relaxer. My mother also started getting braid-in hair weaves that I liked. She learned how to do them and gave me weaves for two years. Kids at school were so impressed by how much my hair grew over the summer! A couple of years later, I stopped wearing weaves, and started experimenting with hair colour in red and golden brown and my hair was constantly breaking and short. Then I saw an ad for clip in hair extensions that I quickly purchased and wore for for my last year of high school and two years of university.

During university I found a new hairdresser who gave me a "natural relaxer". I don't think it was natural, it was a sodium hydroxide relaxer. It made my hair swell and it actually grew down to my mid back. I never went back to no-lye relaxers. I continued with the relaxer into graduate school. That was when I started reading Black history. It changed me forever and changed the way I thought about being Black and the way I looked. I started seeing natural hair videos on YouTube and learned how to style and take care of natural hair. I stopped getting relaxers and transitioned for nine months by wearing a curly fro hairstyle.

One day I decided to just cut off the relaxed hair and end the process. I was shocked because my hair coiled up way shorter than I had expected! I had to experiment with products for three years and deal with having hair that I thought was too short to look good on me. Finally after three years my hair is the same length it was when I started transitioning (but it looks shoulder length due to shrinkage). I love my coily hair! It is full and actually has some shine. It moves when I talk and bounces when I walk. I get so many compliments on it, mostly from men! They love my hair! Some Black men like it but I get the most compliments from White men! When I had relaxed or weaved hair I never got any compliments! I will never relax or lighten my hair colour (and risk breakage) again!

My Current Hair Regimen: I use a modified Tightly Curly Technique

1. Wash day once a week. 
1. Plait hair into seven braids. Wash with a non-sulfate shampoo while leaving braids in. Put in some Cholesterol hair conditioner and don't wash out. Exit shower.
2. Unbraid and detangle each braid with a Tangle Teezer adding more Cholesterol if needed. Spray hair with mixture of water and vegetable glycerin to keep moist. 
3. Once detangled squeeze out the excess conditioner. Add Ecostyler gel and smooth small sections of hair with fingers. 
4. Braid hair again (to minimize shrinkage) and use a chamois to soak up the excess water and product that will come out of the braid. 
5. Repeat the process for all braids. Let hair air dry or sit under hooded dryer. It will take at least 24 hours to dry so I only do this on the weekend.
2. Before going out unbraid the hair and gently separate the coils. DO NOT ADD ANY PRODUCT or else the hair will shrink up again. It might take 20 minutes to do this in the morning.
3. At night add more cholesterol and gel if necessary and braid the hair again. If the hair is moisturized and tidy enough I just do a pineapple (pile hair on top of head and tie scarf around head).

As you can see from my regimen I don't use many products at all. Cholesterol is very moisturizing and cheap and it is the only wash-out conditioner I have found that can mix with gel (don't use any other conditioner). Once in a while I might do a protein conditioning treatment overnight. Everything I learned about taking care of my hair I learned online for free! There was a lot of trial and error but now I have no problem managing my hair. So if your hair is breaking or you have traction alopecia that makes it necessary to wear weaves and wigs (not just because you like them) then it's time to go natural. Natural hair can be so beautiful and different from the hair of any other women on earth! The most criticism you will get about your natural hair will probably be from other Black people who can't see the beauty of their natural state. You can learn to care for and love your natural hair and actually grow your hair long.

Natural Hair Inspiration (so beautiful!!!):

 Video 1, Video 2, Video 3, Video 4, Video 5, Video 6, Video 7, 

Natural Hair Websites:

Video (this video and description has plenty of links to popular sites)
TightlyCurly.com (where I got my regimen)
CurlyNikki.com
BlackgirllonghairNaturallyCurly.comNaturalChica.com
NewlyNatural.com

New Etiquette and Instructional Videos

I found some great, modern etiquette videos on Videojug. They are actually informative and entertaining. I love videos like this because they are quick and easy to remember :)



How to Talk to People: Better Communication
How to be More Feminine
How Can I Make a Good First Impression
How Can I Look More Approachable (excellent)
Getting Men to Approach Me
How to Look Like a Beauty Queen
Looking Good for Less
How to get out of a car without showing your underwear
How to be Assertive (funny)
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (funny)

Are Black Women Really That Bad?

I came across a blog last night called NoWayGirl.com. I went through all 86 pages of bad hair photos! I recognized some of the photos because men on YoutTube used them in videos to show the world how unattractive they think (and want the world to think) Black women are. First of all I have to provide some constructive criticism for these ladies who do not not represent all Black women. I remember some women wearing coloured weaves when I was in high school and during my undergrad. Some wore blonde or red, or black with the ends coloured pink or purple. No one was wearing wigs especially lace front wigs. I will admit, the lace front wigs in the photos look horrible! Why not wear a regular wig that doesn't have to be glued on? Maybe a wig that has a bang to cover your hairline? Maybe I'm missing something and they actually want to look like dolls with doll hair. If you have traction alopecia or you are balding, then a weave is inappropriate and you need a wig instead that will give your hair a chance to grow back. I have gone through the relaxers, sew in weaves, clip on weaves, and hair breakage due to relaxers and hair colour. But if your hair is being so damaged by these things isn't it time to stop?

I am an advocate for natural hair. I have transitioned for nine months and have been natural for three years. There is no way I am going back. It is a scary thing to go natural if you have no memory of what your unprocessed hair looks like. I don't recommend a big chop or going bald unless you're sure you will look good that way. I would recommend transitioning as long as possible but you must stop using braid-in weaves and lace fronts immediately. There are plenty of online resources and even books about how to go natural so it might not be as difficult as you think. I spent a lot of money at first buying new products, but now that I know what works for me, I don't spend much on my hair at all. Plus, I never go to a hairdresser!

I think that some people just don't like looking natural in terms of colour and they don't want a hairstyle that doesn't stand out. I think this is something young people go through, but after a while other people grow out of it. I kept wondering where these women worked and if that was even possible with hair like that. What is this need to have such unnatural looking hair? Is everyone around you saying you look good?

The next thing I have to discuss is the clothing. We've gone through fashion on the blog already so I won't have to repeat it here. Yes, a lot of the women were overweight or obese. Exercise has to become an important part of your life and should be more important than keeping your hairstyle, but that is a post for another time. In the meantime, plus sized women still need to wear clothes, go out, and feel attractive. But I have to ask these women, do you shop for items that YOU FIND attractive or do you shop for items that MAKE YOU look attractive? There are plenty of cute clothes that may come in your size, but if it doesn't make you look good DON'T BUY IT! Yes, it's not fair that thinner girls can wear almost anything and look great, but you won't become thin overnight (I don't advise trying to do so either, lose weight the healthy way) so what will you wear in the meantime?

I recommend spending your money on quality clothing that fit you properly, nothing skimpy or flimsy, and nothing so tight people can see your rolls. If you must wear something tight then you must invest in bodyshaping underwear. You may even need a tailor to alter your clothes. This may mean you can't afford to buy as much clothing or the newest things from stores. But in my opinion it would be better to go out and wear the same items over and over, in different combinations, than wear a new unflattering outfit every time. Once you have the basics you can buy accessories that are on trend instead of fad outfits. You don't have to dress like your thin friends (the thin women didn't look great either) and you can look like an EBW with class.

The last thing I want to mention is that Black women are not the only one's who sometimes dress horribly. Take a look at Turbo White Trash, Poorly Dressed, and these Google searches for Goth Fashion and Punk Fashion. The women on these sites look just as ridiculous or abnormal. To anyone reading this just remember, these websites do not represent all Black or White people. To the men who post these photos on YouTube lamenting the way Black women look...you are dishonest and very narrow minded!

Cute Make-up and Hairstyles

I like the gyaru style of Japanese make-up. I have been doing something similar for a couple of years before I even heard of this stuff. I'll describe my daily look that takes me 15 minutes maximum:

• After my face cream I use concealer under my eyes and a mineral powder on my entire face. I also use a primer on my eyelids, forehead, and nose.
• I ALWAYS fill in my brows with a dark brown brow pencil. Ladies, please do this, it just polishes the look.
• I line the inner corner and inner half of my lower lid with a silver eyeliner (no sparkles). I line the rest of the eye with black eyeliner.
• I wear two to three coats of mascara.
• I may wear a bronze eye shadow on my lids with a bluish gray in the crease (it actually looks pretty natural). I only wear that at night. During the day I may go without eye shadow or just wear a dark brown.
• I line my lips with a plum lipliner, fill in the lips with a bronze/brown lipstick, and then add a pink or bronze lip gloss over top. It gives me a pinkish bronze lip that matches my skin.
• I wear a lot of pink blush. I add it to the front cheek area, and even a bit on the bridge of my nose. I don't use it under my cheekbones because I think that makes you look old.

The photo below is an exaggerated version of what I do. I use silver liner instead of white (more subtle), no false lashes, no green contacts (I think her eyes are natural though). I wear more blush and less white eye shadow. The Barbie tutorial will give you a similar look.

I think big, long lashes are very feminine so I really recommend wearing mascara. I also recommend RapidLash because it really does grow your lashes. I'm not a fan of the false lashes because I prefer the natural look (enhanced by make-up). If you tend to lower or furrow your brows, try this exercise to raise them again. I found it helpful because once I began to notice the different feeling when my brows were up versus down I was able to correct myself. You will have to do it twice a day for a while.
Make-up Tutorials:
I chose these tutorials because I think they look nice on Black women. Many of the tutorials for Black women use really bright, unnatural colours that I think EBWs should avoid.
Gyaru Make-up Video 1 (final look is very nice but I think it can be done with fewer steps)
Gyaru Make-up Video 2 (cute, but forgot the brows)
Kelly Rowland Tutorial
Kim Kardashian Inspired Make-up (on a Black woman. I know, I know, but KK does know how to look good)
Gyaru Make-up Video 3 (she used a lot of make-up and steps to get a natural look so I think it was excessive). 

Black Gyarus (excessive at times, unflattering piercings)

Great hair will really improve your appearance. I have been natural for over three years and my hair is finally long enough for me to feel comfortable. I did not like it when it was short and it is so much better now. I think natural hair is very feminine. I have lots of little coils with lots of movement and volume. If you wear wigs or weaves please choose something that looks natural or relaxed instead of an unusual colour or super straight and shiny texture. 

Ways to Look Cute and Feminine

I've been searching the Internet for ways to look cute that would be suitable for adult women who don't want to pretend they are little girls. I love kawaii fashion but I would only wear little bits of it myself otherwise I'd end up looking like Nikki Minaj. We have to abandon the hard, ghettofabulous, hip hop look and go for something softer and more innocent. It's okay to look like and be a girly girl! These tend to be things other women wear, but why can't we? So here are some ways to add cute to your look.

1. Cute accessories. You can wear cute ear muffs, gloves, scarves, hats, belts,  leg warmers, and arm warmers.
2. Cute outerwear. Choose a cute coat that only a woman would wear.
3. Cute dresses, skirts, and tops. Try to find dresses that are flattering for your figure in feminine colours and patterns. Nothing too tight or revealing. You will also get more out of your money if you buy dresses that are appropriate for work or after work (e.g., pair the dress with a cardigan or blazer at work). I avoided dresses for many years, but now I find them more comfortable than pants. They are more forgiving if your weight fluctuates and they accentuate your curves while hiding oversized hips and thighs.
4. Cute shoes. Anything with a bow, curved toe, and pretty colour is great.
5. Cute purses. These can be as adorable as you want with bows, hearts, flowers, and even cartoon characters if you dare.
6. Cute makeup. There are many videos on YouTube that can give you tips about cute make-up. Many of the one's done by Black women are too colourful and unnatural, but I did find a few.
7. Cute hair. In my opinion, cute hair looks natural not artificial. It looks soft to the touch and doesn't look like you spent all day working on it. Don't go overboard with the hair accessories.

I'll do a post on cute make-up and hair next ;)

Cute Fashion:
Kawaii Couture (great examples of cute and feminine clothing)
Kawaii Craving
Asianicandystore

Videos:
Winter Fashion Tips: Dress Warm, Look Cute
15 Dresses, Which One is Your Favorite (you can watch the entire playlist to pick out styles that would look good on you


Black Girls and Women Who Embrace Cuteness
Amayamor.blogspot.com (interesting post here)
Choco Barbie Girls (I wish they didn't get piercings)
Usagii's Blog
No Beauty Limits
NaijaBarbie

Why Many Black Women are Succeeding

I started thinking today about why many Black women are succeeding today and many men are not. Some of the reasons apply women of other ethnicities as well because women in most Western countries and Asia are doing better while men are doing worse. There are many reasons why these things happened but if men want to do better, they may have to take an example from women.

1. Women figured out that education was the great equalizer and a worthwhile pursuit. They believe that having an education or expertise in a field is the best (of course not guaranteed) way to ensure that they will obtain a stable, white-collar career. I think that this is the safe route because once you have the knowledge and degree it can not be taken away and usually you have transferable skills that can be used for many different careers. These women knew realistically that they were more likely to become teachers, social workers or bankers than musicians, actors, or professional athletes. Unfortunately, many men  now devalue education and waste their time trying (often with little effort) to become musicians, actors, and professional athletes (sometimes they use athletics to get into college, but their grades are usually poor, and their goal is to become an athlete not some other professional). Instead of staying home and doing schoolwork they are on the street, playing video games or basketball, and listening to and writing rap lyrics.  Women developed realistic goals and plans that included education while men developed unrealistic plans that did not require education.
2. Women stay away from crime. Women do commit crimes, but they do it at a much lower rate than men. I don't know why a woman can be poor and struggle to get by without becoming a criminal but it's harder for men to do so. Men will say there is pressure from their peers or pressure to have money so that they can attract women. Is it impossible to choose new friends and attract women in another way, especially when you are young? For some men who live in dangerous neighbourhoods they may also be dragged into gang activity to avoid being a victim. I understand that. But if you don't come from a dangerous neighbourhood what is your excuse? How is it that some men withstand the pressure? It really seems like the nerdy guys who keep out of trouble are the real men with backbones because they don't cave to peer pressure and become gangsters. 
3. Women fight to be a part of the system. This is a big one in the Black community. Many Black people are angry about racism, discrimination, and they history of slavery. Black women have chosen to fight for their place in the system, play the game, and win a good life even if racists don't want them to. This is the 'if life gives you lemons, make lemonade' attitude and they are attempting to adapt to whatever situation they have been placed in. The women know the odds will sometimes be against them, but they learn the rules of the game, follow the rules, and try to succeed anyway. From things I have been reading online, many men disagree with this strategy, and I believe these men are dangerous and to be avoided. These men believe that any cooperation with the system is a betrayal of Black people and reject the notion of working or being educated in the system. They see a life of crime as a way of fighting the system, they reject public education, and choose to self-educate by using questionable and often dangerous sources. These men (seriously) believe that they are in some sort of Matrix, eventually everyone will wake up, and they will be the leaders in some sort of race war! When this war starts they plan to punish anyone in the system, including successful Black women who they call traitors. I don't think I have to tell you how unrealistic and scary this militia, Black man rising, conspiracy thinking is but these beliefs are FREQUENTLY and CASUALLY mentioned by men online as though this war is inevitable and they will be the last ones to laugh and judge Black women when it happens. Scary right? 
4. Black women are living in the present not the past. One strange thing I have noticed online is the way men keep bringing up slavery to explain why they are not succeeding today and why they are not getting along with some Black women. I know when I started reading Black history I was so angry at the world and it made me want to reject everything that was not Black. It was a phase. I eventually realized that the people around me did not commit the crimes of slavery (especially since I live in Canada). I know racism exists and sometimes people are ignorant, but the people around me were not my slave masters! I was never enslaved and neither was anyone alive today nor their parents or grandparents. No one raped me or sold members of my family away from me. I never though I'd have to say this but slavery is in the past and you have to move on and adapt to your current circumstances. You can not live in the past so somehow men have to disengage these feelings that slavery happened to them personally and there is some conspiracy to hold you back. Yes, the system is biased against Black people but is rejecting the system actually working for you? Reparations are not coming and they probably won't help your situation anyway. Dreaming about revenge for past wrongs (or recent injustices) is holding you back from making the most of your present.
5. Black women are self-sufficient. Yes it's true, Black women and many women today are independent and that has helped us to succeed. Even the woman who goes on welfare is being self-sufficient in a way. She found out about an available resource and obtained it instead of laying down and dying. When men walk out on their children women take on the responsibility of being the sole care giver and do the best they can. Other women had the self-discipline to work hard in school, graduate, and have a career. They provided food, clothing, and shelter for themselves instead of waiting for a man to give it to them. Men have always been able to put their needs first but for some reason many want women to put men's needs first too! They claim to be strong but they are asking successful women to "invest" in them so that they can succeed. They blame the single mother for not being the best mother possible even though she had no help from the father! That's like a man giving a woman a 100 pound bag to carry and criticizing her for not walking as fast as when they were both sharing the bag! I wonder if these men would go after their kids if the women gave them up for adoption or the foster care system? I doubt it. Caring for your child is the same as caring for yourself! If you are not caring for your child then you are not self-sufficient!  
6. Black women take responsibility for their lives. This ties into the notion that women are self-sufficient. Successful women don't expect anyone to take care of them or give them handouts but they do expect men to take care of their children and carry their own weight. It seems like men expect the opposite. They resent any notion that the woman should consider a man's finances before getting into a relationship. Can you imagine, a Black women who will only marry a man if he can provide enough money to care for a middle-class child is called a goldigger!? If you think you can survive only on love then I doubt you are self-sufficient and know the costs of supporting a family. But, as I heard in a YouTube video today, some men think the woman's role is to be a man's helper to help him achieve his goals while his role is to lead her to do whatever he decides she should do!? Yes, he said the Bible says that's the way it's supposed to be (glad I'm not religious). He said his role is to replace his wife's father and she is there to serve him. Why is it that men need so much help and support to do things? Why are women able to just get up and do what needs to be done? These men complain that everyone needs to change without taking any responsibility for their role in ruining their own lives. They blame racist employers for not hiring some Black men while ignoring the fact that they are untrustworthy ex-cons with no education. They blame women's high standards and attitudes for the low marriage rates when it's the men who decided to use, abuse, and not marry them. They blame the school system for not educating Black boys when they chose to skip school, not do the work, or get kicked out while others succeed. This is the most ridiculous one: They blame a corrupt justice system for locking up Black men while completely ignoring the fact that almost all of these men are GUILTY of some crime including murder, rape, and drug dealing! Why they were profiled or unfair sentencing is secondary to the FACT that these men are GUILTY! They blame Black women for the problems in the Black community with no reference to their role in the problems at all. 

So, to any woman or man who wants to be successful, here is my advice: Get an education, stay away from crime, fight to be a part of the system, live in the present not the past, be self-sufficient, and take responsibility for your actions. Doing otherwise doesn't seem to be working.

Many Black Women are Too Submissive

Yes, you read the title correctly, I think that many Black women are too submissive! Dictionary.com defines submission as:

1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.
2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Many of you reading this know Black women who don't seem submissive according to this definition. These are the strong, independent Black women who say they can do everything themselves and don't need a man or anyone else. These women are self-sufficient no matter how much money they make or how educated they are. They run their households and will not allow themselves to be disrespected. I agree, on the surface many of these women do not seem submissive. But take a look at the definition of submissive behaviour by Changingminds.org:

submissive (or passive) behavior means shying away from saying what you really mean and not seeking to achieve your needs, particularly when someone else has conflicting needs. A submissive person is a shrinking violet, avoiding upsetting others either because they fear them or they fear to hurt their feelings.

When things go wrong, the submissive person is likely to assume that they are to blame in some way, and accept culpability when singled out by other people.

According to that definition, many Black women are actually too submissive when it comes to having sex and babies with Black men! Think about all those Black women out there who are sweet talked by men who they suspect are no good and end up sleeping with them. Men will tell women they don't need labels on their relationship, polygamy is the African way and it's natural, let's have a baby without getting married, sex is no big deal, I don't see my children because their mother is crazy etc., and women STILL sleep with them! If a Black man says "jump" they refuse, unless they are told "jump into my bed" and then they quickly obey! Given the out of wedlock birth rate for Black women being the highest in North America, Black women are actually the most submissive women! These women are too submissive because they are giving into men who have conflicting needs. A man who's statements and behaviour is telling you he will never commit to you or your children has conflicting needs and your having sex with him will not change that. You are behaving too submissively when you put your needs aside because the man wants you for the moment! Men don't do things that do not benefit them so why are you?

I hear you saying, many women, of many ethinicities are submissive and give in to men pressuring them for sex. But Black women do it more often with men who are no good! Other women act submissively by letting the men be men, cooking, cleaning and other almost trivial ways, but they are less submissive when it comes to having sex! They hold out and refuse to have children without marriage! Some women will submit to sex but only when the man actually has something to offer them other than the promise of love. These men have resources and from their behaviour, there is actually A CHANCE that they will commit. They are not submitting to a man who has never achieved anything in his life with the hope that one day, with your love, he will pull himself together and change. These women try to get more than love which would be consistent with their needs! They hold out and refuse to have children without marriage!

Some Black women are also too submissive when it comes to the Black community. These women will actually date, sleep, and have children with men who have nothing to offer because the Black community pressures them to do so! They are told to forget about getting a successful Black man, just go for any Black man who could possibly love you and help him to succeed. Don't go for a successful man of another ethnicity because then you will be abandoning Black men and you owe them. Black men are struggling, so lower your standards and don't expect them to have an education, or a job. It's okay if he has children with other women , if he cheats on you, or if he's a criminal. 

Take a look at yourself and if you believe it is your duty to give any Black man a chance, even if he has nothing to offer but the promise of love (you might not even get that) then you are being too submissive! Do you think women of other ethnicities fall for that pressure? No! They are strong and don't even bother with men who have nothing, and they will date outside their ethnicity if that man is successful and treats them well! Yes, when Black women do the same thing they are called goldiggers, but other women are mostly exempt from that label because men and women understand that this mindset is in their best interest! No one would expect them to do anything that is against their best interests! But that is exactly what men are telling Black women to accept!  They are pressuring us to be submissive to no good men, just because they are Black! Think about it, what's worse, cooking dinner for man you have known for two weeks because he asks or having sex with a man you have known for two weeks because he asks? Which is more submissive? Which could have the more serious consequences?

So what do you think? I think some Black women are the most submissive women when it comes to having sex, making babies, and having relationships; these are three serious choices that can have lifelong consequences. Instead of this being recognized as a type of submission we are blamed for not closing our legs and going for thugs (no blame placed on the domineering men). We have to change the way we are submissive! Other women may be submissive when it comes to doing minor things their men want, domestic duties, and trivial behaviours (e.g., letting the man make dinner plans, having the last say on unimportant things etc.) but when it comes to having sex, babies, and relationships these women are DOMINANT and they SAY NO! Only be submissive if it's in your best interest!

Articles:
Why Weak Men Want Submissive Women (excellent article!)
Women of Color Undervalued and Stereotyped

This EBW is Learning How to Sew

I have decided to save up to buy a sewing machine! The reason for this is very practical. I lost a lot of weight and now I have over a dozen really nice blazers that are way too big. I have a few options:

1. Do nothing and let the blazers sit where they are because I might gain all the weight back anyway (no way!!!). But what will I wear in the meantime?
2. Donate all the blazers to charity and buy new ones. This will be expensive.
3. Take the blazers to a tailor to have them altered. This will also be expensive. Most of them are second hand and altering may cost most than I actually paid for the!
4. Buy a sewing machine, learn how to use it, and alter all the blazers myself.

I have chosen option #4 because although buying the machine will be an investment it will pay for itself because I won't have to buy new blazers or pay for a tailor. Furthermore, as long as I (and my future family) wear clothes I may need to make alterations. I can already make minor repairs to my clothing by hand, but a machine will be better for the large scale alterations I have to make. Doing all the alterations may take a year, but why not learn a new skill?

This is a traditional female skill but it is useful, and in these economic times it makes sense to do things yourself and not waste money. Many people dream about becoming rich and never cooking, cleaning, or doing almost anything for themselves. But this is reality and I don't have a maid. We throw away too much money to restaurants, housecleaning services, handymen, and other services that people used to just do for themselves. Isn't it better to be self-sufficient and use our hard earned money for more important things? Altering my clothes will make them fit and look better. If any of you have watched "What not to Wear" then you have probably heard them recommend altering the clothes you buy so that they fit better (I watch the show occasionally but I think they way too superficial and narrow-minded).

My mother can sew and I actually learned a little back in high school. But I didn't keep it up because, as was typical for me, I though anything that was traditionally feminine was beneath me and all modern women. I'm thinking differently about it now. I don't think I'll ever start making my own clothes, but I could do other things like make curtains, pillows, place mats, and simple things instead of buying them. Just think about all of those home decorating and renovation shows like "Take This House and Sell It" where a seamstress makes the curtains and pillows...I could do that! It could be a worthwhile hobby :)

Here are some articles on the benefits of sewing:
The Many Benefits of Sewing
Benefits of Sewing
Learn to Sew: Benefits of Sewing
Studies Show Benefits of Sewing

Dorothy Dandridge, the Quintessential Elegant Black Woman

I have never actually seen one of Dorothy Dandridge's performances but I have watched the HBO docudrama, "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge" twice. It stars Halle Berry and I believe she won an award for her performance. Fortunately, I found some video tributes on YouTube! This woman is beautiful, graceful, refined, stylish, super feminine, delicate, elegant of course, and highly talented! Ladies, this is the quintessential EBW!

Pin Up Girl Style for Black Women

What do you think of you you hear the words "pin up girl"? I'm not talking pornographic centerfold, I'm talking about pin-up girls of the 40s and 50s  (and they were mostly White). Pin up girl makes me think of whimsical photos of curvy, rosy cheeked women in provocative and playful poses. Pin up girls are sexy because of their poses and form fitting clothing (no nudity), but they also appear innocent because of their big smiles. They don't appear to know they are sexy and they are definitely not trying to be sexy. There is an innocent nymph quality to the photos. This video can tell you a bit about the origins of the pin up art genre and why they are different from centerfolds and many modeling photos today. The video below is full of cute, feminine pinup art.

More videos: Slideshow 2, Black pin ups 1, Black pin ups 2, Modern pin ups,

Do you notice the difference between the pin up model and the two models in the photos below? 

It's the attitude! The pin up model is smiling and just being pleasant and feminine, and any sexiness is inadvertent. On the other hand, the other models (Christina Millian and Nikki Minaj) are not smiling, and they look like they are hungry for sex and want everyone to know it. You can like sex, but being sexually aggressive and advertising that is very masculine. Feminine sexuality is more subtle. The pin up girl looks friendly, playful, and approachable. But Nikki and Christina could scare off some men with their sexual aggression or attract the wrong kind of men. I'm not naive, I know that women will be thought of as sex objects by most men, the difference is that men will ONLY look for sex from women who pose like Nikki and Christina. Take a look at these Google images from King Magazine (images). Barely any of the models are smiling! Who took these photos? Men complain that Black women look mean but they take these photos and buy magazines full of women who look like this! Everyone should get some tips from Angelique Noire, a modern day pin up girl, who happens to be Black and beautiful. Her smile and playfulness is very reminiscent of the 1940s pin ups and she has great natural hair too! (Thanks for the link Black Girl int he City :)

The pin up style is great for Black women who have curves and even plus sized women. You can work some elements of the style into your current wardrobe. The key is that the clothes are feminine and fit your curves, but they don't have to be short or revealing. My favorite pin up style item is the pencil skirt (video and see photo below). They are appropriate for work, dates, or a night on the town. They make your backside pop and give you a sexy wiggle when you walk. I love to wear mine high on the waist because it makes my waist look narrower, my thighs look thinner, and they look great with feminine tops. Key elements of this style are kitten heels, curly hair, red lips, nylons with garters, and sheer undergarments. There are many videos on YouTube about pin up hairstyles and make up (by black women), as well as clothing options. This is a style befitting any EBW.

Many of you have probably seen modern pin up models. For some reason people thought that new pin up models needed some sort of "edge" so now they have tattoos and piercings and aren't often smiling in their photos (I prefer the old style). There is also a store called Pin Up Girl Clothing that sells this style of clothing exclusively (notice the tattoos and almost no one is smiling). 

Videos
Ashanti - Good Good (showing modern pin up style on a Black woman, love this song)

Kreesha Turner - Don't Call me Baby (towards the end of video, she's Black, love this song)
Kanye West - Goldigger (lyrics are negative about women, not enough smiling so the women don't look innocent and playful)
Katy Perry's style

Articles
Modern Pin up photos
20 Classic On-up Girls Before and After (fascinating! They made the waists smaller, hair bigger, and bodies curvier)
How to Dress Like a Pin up Girl
10 Ways to Look Like a Pin Up Girl

B- Lifestyle in Japan

I just read a fascinating article on Clutch Magazine called "B-Style: Japanese Youth Reject Convention in the Pursuit of Blackness". You must watch the video below!

For Hip Hop News & Entertainment at DimeWars.Com

Here are my thoughts about the article and video:

1. It makes me happy to know that some people think Black women are so beautiful that they want to look like us. In Japanese society (and many others) where pale skin is the epitome of beauty, some people think dark skin is more attractive and healthier looking. It was amazing watching the video and hearing the women say that Black women looked so good and cute. The B-style women use dark tanning just like light-skinned women in North America who tan and prefer their skin to be dark (just not as dark). They also like Afro-textured hair and braids (unlike some men over here). I didn't hear any of the women saying the Black women looked hard or unfeminine, they think the Black women look beautiful, cute, and pretty and that our styles look good. 
2. I think that the Japanese women wearing the styles are still cute but it does make them look harder than the kawaii girls (I'm not a fan of the piercings). But they still look feminine don't they? Would a Black woman dressed the same way still appear cute? I did notice the women in the video were smiling a lot so maybe that's the difference. It didn't seem like they were swearing or speaking in a harsh, masculine manner either. Wearing hip hop fashion is not the same as acting ghetto and hard. Wear it, don't be it.
3. I wish they would not use tanning beds. I just can't cosign anyone trying to look Black if it would endanger their health. Self-tanners are the best option. It would be horrible if some of these women ended up with skin cancer in 20 years because of a fashion trend they liked when they were young and innocent. Are they doing blackface? I don't think that is their intention and it's different from White American kids having those offensive hip hop costume parties. The people at those parties were making fun of Black people not appreciating them. They were putting on costumes not embracing a fashion trend. Tanning beds exist to make skin dark, the Japanese are just going extra dark. Now if they started painting their lips white and putting on Amos and Andy routines that would be another story!
4. I wish that people around the world did not think that hip hop culture was synonymous with "Black culture". I cringed when I saw the women watching 50cent's Candy Shop video. Do they even understand his degrading lyrics? Are they pumping more money into the rap industry that actually degrades all Black people? I think they just like the beats (as do I), don't understand the lyrics, have never lived the dangerous street lifestyle (most of us haven't), and just like the fashion. I can't fault them for that because the hip hop industry likes it that way and goes to great lengths to promote it as the only   "authentic Blackness" today, even for other Black people! I hope that they don't start accepting the degradation of women, using the n-word, and thinking drug dealing and gangs are cool. I want Black people to stop liking those things and it would be better if the Japanese did not embrace those things either. Am I offended by it? No. They have been sold a commercialized music/fashion style just like everyone else. I think that fashion is fashion. I like Japanese fashion and prefer kawaii to hip hop fashion :)
5. Someone commented that they thought that some Black men would prefer an Asian woman acting Black to an actual Black woman. I wouldn't be surprised if that was true, even if the woman had a bad attitude and was a golddigger. Anyone who excuses the same behaviour in one person or "race" over another just has a preference for that person or "race" period.
6. It was interesting hearing the comments of the B-girl's mother. The mother said that the girl was in school and healthy so the unusual fashion was okay. She knew that when her daughter got older she would give that all up and dress in a mature manner. That's exactly what Black people have to do! You have to put that aside after a while and grow up, tone things down, speak properly, and live a respectable (non-criminal) life. For some reason, young Black people are so immersed in hip hop culture they can't act in any other way. It's just a fashion, not an inherent part of your personality or DNA as a Black person. Giving it up or never liking it in the first place does not mean you are not Black.
7. I didn't like Dime Wars' spin on the video. They entitled their article "Dang! When Black Women are Trying so Hard to Not Look Like Themselves, Japanese Women are Trying to Look Like Them". What a backhanded compliment! Instead of just looking at it as an appreciation of Black women, the writer had to criticize Black women for wearing hair extensions. While there are some Black men who like our style there are many others who hate it. You can't please everyone nor should you bother trying. I bet if the Japanese women started wearing wigs and hair extensions (they already do actually) they would be given a pass because they have long straight hair underneath. It takes a real talent (sarcasm) to turn that video into a criticism of Black women.

Articles:
NajaBarbie (MUTE your computer if you are at work :) Take a look at the photos. Do Black women look cute when the wear the same things? Is there a difference? Honestly, maybe it's because they're thin so the clothes look better on them the way high fashion is made for skinny models. Clothes just don't look as good if you are bigger. Is that it? Plus, a lot of them are smiling.)

Tokyo Ms. Kicks (Wow! You have to see this blog!!!)
Gyaru Gal Styles
BGal tumbler (photos!)
Surprisingly there are many blogs by Black women and White women who love this stuff!
Videos:
B-Gyaru Love (view this on mute because music is horrible)
Tokyo Sera Toujours Tokyo
Top 15 Japanese Fashion Styles (yeah, they had a style called blackface...not sure if it had to do with Black people though)
B-Gyaru and Rasta (speechless...look at the hair!)

Asian Women Acting Masculine, Hard, and Ghetto in Music Videos

Last night, for the first time, I watched videos of Asian girl groups! It was a surprise. Ladies, these women are singing R&B, rapping,  gyrating, dancing hip hop, and showing some serious attitude! They are displaying some real masculine traits and actually looking hard instead of delicate and submissive! These videos have millions of views so they must be popular groups. This is obviously because they were influenced by African American music and with the music comes the attitude. Too much rap and hip hop can cause people to act hard and women to act masculine even if they did not grow up in rough neighbourhoods where that was the norm. All around the world, when people listen to our music and watch our videos and movies they think all Black women are hard, aggressive, and masculine. People who like the music then start acting like the musicians. I wonder if there are groups of Asian women who are now acting hard and unfeminine because of this music? I wonder if men and their elders think it is a disgrace? If most Asian women started to act like this would they still be considered the feminine ideal?

But I'm guessing that the Asian women in these videos are just putting on an act that they can turn on and off whenever they want. They probably know that acting that way is unacceptable and counterproductive in their everyday lives so they don't become invested in it. Since so many Asian women don't act hard in real life no one today would say that most Asian women are unfeminine and have bad attitudes the way they do with us.

Please watch some of the videos linked below and let me know what you think. Are they still somehow more feminine than Black women in the videos? If so is it because their skin is light or because they are so small, thin and cute? Is it because its hard to believe these women are so hard? To be honest, even though these women are acting hard I would never be afraid of one of them but I would not be surprised if some Black female celebrities threw a punch at someone.

The girls look the hardest in this video. I actually like the song! To tell the truth, if I was in a club I would dance to any one of these songs! Makes me wonder what happened to all the Black girl groups? I used to love SWV and groups like that but I don't hear music like that anymore :(

These girls are showing plenty of "Black girl attitude" but I'm sure all those men who complain about our attitudes still think they are cute. If Black women's attitudes were so bad then why would anyone want to show that in a music video? I'm not saying we shouldn't try to be EBWs, but maybe the rest of the world doesn't think a little attitude and sass is horrible (so chin up). I've heard some people actually like that about us.

2NE1 -I Am The Best (pretty aggressive with guns!)
2NE1 -Can't Nobody (English Version) warning foul language (shocking!)
2NE1 -I Don't Care (wow, Asian woman with an afro in this one)
2NE1 Fire

I'm going to keep writing about Asian women because (unfortunately), many people believe they are very feminine and Black women are not. I'll also look into African, Middle Eastern, and Indian femininity because I don't really know much about these things so maybe readers will find it interesting too. I think I just want to see something besides the European ideal of femininity. Of course, I will post as much as I can about EBWs :)

Married in a Year: Movie Review

Have you ever watched Millionaire Matchmaker? It's about Patti Stranger, a matchmaker who has continued with the family tradition by finding partners for millionaires. I don't agree with many of the things Ms. Stranger says, for instance, she insists men prefer straight hair. She also exhibits many unfeminine traits such as swearing and being argumentative so I have to make that disclaimer first.

Well she made a documentary called Married in a Year and claims that her advice can help you to land your dream man in only 365 days! There is some good advice in the film about how to dress, not giving up sex before three months or monogamy, and how to act like a lady. Actually a lot of the things were similar to what I've read in The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You. There was also the advice to date three men at once until one wants to become monogamous.  I have never had that happen and I don't know if it ever will. I am choosy with the men I date so it would be hard to find three guys at the same time who I would even want to date.

I think that this film is worth watching to see what other women are advised to do when dating and what their standards are. No EBWs, your standards are not too high! It doesn't make sense to aim for mediocrity in any aspect of you life and other women don't choose to do that so why should you? I strongly recommend this video because it will really give you something to think about even if you don't agree with the advice.

Marry Me: Movie Review

A few months ago I watched a great Lifetime miniseries called Marry Me starring the fabulous Lucy Liu! Lucy Liu plays a social worker who believes in fairy tale romances but is suddenly dumped by her boyfriend. Then she  starts being pursued by two different men who want to marry her. The reason why I loved the movie was because of Lucy's femininity and the fact that she was in charge or her life and pursuing what she wanted. He wardrobe was fantastic, ladylike, elegant, and never trashy. I have to see this again just to remember the way she carried herself. It's worth a watch :)

Elite Single Chinese Women are like Elite Single Black Women!!!

Wow oh wow! I just read an article that was linked to the Be Exquisite blog (I spent a while catching up on my reading there...great stuff!). It's called Elite Single Chinese Face 'Leftover Lady' Discount. I could not believe what I read! Their situation is so much like the situation of successful African American women trying to find husbands who are on their level.

Everyone knows about the shortage of women in China due to their one-child rule and preference for having a male child. But the article explains that there is an excess of poor men and not enough educated, white-collar, successful Chinese men who are on the same level as the elite Chinese women. So they are having problems finding men. Their parents are telling the women that they are too picky and marriage is more important than their careers. Some of the women are saying they accept that they might never get married and they find fulfillment in their work. There is also a traditional belief that Chinese men should marry down instead of getting someone out of their league (unlike some men I've heard about). These women also don't want to marry down. Here is a similar article about Chinese women having difficulty finding boyfriends (it really sounds like the kind of comments you hear about black women, it's really shocking!!!).

So, apparently Asian women can be independent, non-submissive, and unwilling to cater to men. Not all Asian women are the same! Some of them take pride in education and their careers and they don't base their happiness on serving a man's every whim. They aren't lowering their standards just to get a man! Wanting to do better and not settle is what many women choose to do, not just Black women! I wonder if their men will start complaining about their attitudes, that their standards are too high, they are unfeminine, or their educations are not important? Will they be called golddiggers because they want someone with a similar income and a degree? Will they be compared to women of other ethnicities because those women marry at higher rates???

I Need To Start Blogging Again

Well I had a great summer! I wore feminine clothes, met a lot of people, flirted and dated cute guys, and really had a good time. Then September came around and I had to work on some things for school. I used some of the things I learned on this blog, but I did slip in some areas, sometimes because it seemed necessary and sometimes because I just wasn't thinking about them while I was having fun.

Well I dressed feminine almost all the time and wore skirts and dresses, my hair down, and make-up. The guys really loved my natural hair and I got plenty of compliments (that I graciously thanked them for with a smile). I was polite whenever someone tried to talk to me and almost never reacted in a negative or aggressive way. Well except one time where an obese guy told me that I looked like I was having a "f****** awful time" (when I was not) and continued to swear and criticize me for not knowing he wanted to dance with me! That was just rude. I didn't swear at him but I asked him what he wanted from me and to go away, and yes I did look angry. It almost ruined my night! He was disrespecting me, maybe I could have looked less angry, but he would not go away but at least I don't think anyone but my friend noticed.

I went out on many dates but nothing serious came out of them. Probably because the guys were way too young for me so I wasn't serious about them either. I started doing online dating, and I'm still doing that, but things seem to have slowed down since the weather started getting colder. At first I did not send messages to guys, but there are so many profiles online, if I didn't say hi then many guys would not have even seen me. I suppose if I had met these guys in real life then I would have smiled or subtly shown interest, so online that takes the form of a wink or a message saying hi :) The guys I met always said that I was fun and although I was sexy, I was classy. I guess with the way my body is shaped I look sexy. Maybe I should minimize that and I was planning on buying some new clothes.

I didn't exercise as much as I should have so I put on a few pounds. I wasn't doing my posture exercises either so I have to get back on track with that. The one thing I remembered to do was to keep a slight smile on my face, which is probably why I was so approachable. I haven't been able to work on any feminine hobbies yet.

Oh, I have probably read every article and seen every video there is about Black women being single or Black women dating interracially. You have probably all heard about that awful Psychology Today blog that denied our amazing beauty but thankfully everyone (except some Black men???) rejected the article. I enjoyed reading articles about Ralph Richard Banks, Ph.D. and his new book "Is Marriage for White People?". I agree with his advice that Black women should date out rather than date down, but I'm also biased because I have always dated interracially and it's not as big a deal in Canada. So I've spent a lot of time reading and watching everything about Black women dating and marriage. Maybe I'll write something about it...or not because everyone seems to be fed up with the subject except me.

So that's everything that has been going on with me and I'll think up some new things to post.

Modern Femininity: Zoe Saldana for Prestige Magazine

Zoe Saldana is on the cover of Prestige Magazine! Look at that dress...feminine and beautiful!

Walking the Walk of an EBW

I haven't posted in a while because my life has taken a pleasant turn. I recently moved back home to the city I love! I have taken the things that I have learned since starting this blog and I'm using them as much as possible.

So far things are going well. I'm dating and so far I have been treated like a true EBW (better than any of my previous dates)! I'm getting along well with my parents for once too. I just feel so happy that I'm back home and I'm getting in touch with my old friends. No arguing, pouting, or being negative. I'm just focusing on how great my present is and how much better it will become. I've also given up watching videos by Black men on Youtube because they made me too argumentative and angry and I have always dated interacially anyways so there is not point. I'm happy with who I like and I don't have to justify it to anyone.

Thanks to the good weather I can wear my feminine clothes, dresses, and skirts all the time instead of bulky winter clothes. I'm going to new places and I'm really open to new experiences. I even started wearing a bright red nail polish (at first I thought it was too much but I love it now...very hot and works well with my skin tone...some reds just don't). I'm getting compliments on my hair too. I'm also remembering to do my posture exercises and to have a pleasant expression on my face :)

So I'll try to think up a new blog post. But in the meantime, if you want to see a film with an elegant looking woman, check out The Tourist with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. She was always dressed like a lady and men (and even women) couldn't stop starring at her! Also, one of my favorite EBW's, Zoe Saldana is coming out with a new film called Columbiana that looks amazing so I can't wait to see that...perhaps on a date :)

Should an Elegant Black Woman be a Pleaser or a Giver?

I just read a great new post on the Feminine Woman called Pleaser Woman Always Lose Out-The Difference Between Pleasing and Giving! Please read the article so that you understand the rest of this post. The main point I got from the article is that "Pleaser Women" do things out of fear of losing their partner or other people and "Giver Women"  do things because they can afford to be generous (in terms of internal resources). People don't respect pleaser women and they are often manipulated.

If you have read "He's Just Not That Into You" or "The Rules", the Pleaser Woman is the woman who waits by the phone for her man, drops everything and runs over to his place whenever he wants, and has no life or plans of her own. She gives everything often to her detriment. People lose respect for this woman because they know she will do whatever they want and will probably be there no matter what. This woman is too available and easy to get so she is not a challenge for men and they don't want to keep her (she has sex too quickly in order to please or keep the man). This is the type of woman who gives her children everything they want so they end up dependent or spoiled.

The Giver Woman is busy doing things with her life and she fits in giving when she can. Because she has her own life men want to commit to her so that they can have some of that valuable time. They can not take advantage of her because she has enough internal and external resources to live without the man so they behave better. Sometimes what she gives may not be what the other person wants (e.g., honest opinions), but it's what they need! This woman is hard to get so the man must pursue her and wants to win her, often with marriage (she delays having sex until the time is right and the man develops respect and love for her). This is the type of woman who gives her children what they need, not always what they want, so that they can be independent and dependent enough to be well-rounded.

Givers tend to be strong and independent women though, the very women some men are complaining about! They key is to not say you are strong and independent, tell people you don't need them, or flaunt your independence or resources. You just live your life and achieve your goals without the labels. Good men want this, they will cherish their time with you, and they will appreciate their time alone or with their friends.

Pleasers don't tend to be strong and independent because they put everyone's wants before their own. Some men say this is what they want (i.e., a 'submissive' woman who speaks only when she is spoken to, let's the man lead her life, lives to serve her man) but you don't want a man who likes this! He will want to control you and have you at his beck and call! Some men will like it at first, but after a while they will lose respect for you and possibly take advantage of you. It won't benefit you in the long run.

In the past I was a pleaser, but after reading these books a few years ago I became a giver, and I am much happier with myself. I think an Elegant Black Woman should be a giver and that will also make her a keeper to others!