What Do Men Look for in Girlfriends & Wives?

This post is going to be entirely videos. I'll let some men and women explain what they think men want in girlfriends and wives. If you want men to care about what you want then you should care about what they want right?







Three more videos after the break...

Women who Belittle Men Who Prefer Feminine Women

First I have to say that I think many BW are very feminine but of course many are not. Anytime a study comes out saying something comparing BW to other women REMEMBER, these are based on the OPINIONS and PREFERENCES of study participants (anywhere from 10-1000 or more people) not every living human being. Sometimes the participants are not even aware of their preferences (e.g., what a questionnaire indicates a person prefers may be different from what they say out loud) so the study may indicate they don't prefer BW but they may find many attractive, have dated them, and could fall in love with  specific BW. It is not a conspiracy to study such issues. Usually a researcher or student gets a grant or needs to complete a study to get their degree. So they think of something that interests them, their supervisor, or the funding agency. They include race because previous studies included race and it's pretty standard. In fact, studying anything without trying to include different races would be exclusionary and biased because it would be using White people as the norm. If there are significant results related to race then they discuss them in relation to similar previous findings or make up their own theory. With a lot of this research there is no government decision that society needs these studies (e.g., studies about BW dating) but someone is just curious about dating and unfortunately finds results that are not flattering for BW. REMEMBER these studies are done all the time and for every one you hear about there were probably 1000s that you didn't hear about, didn't have the same results, or were flawed. Also, if you are a feminine BW then this post is not about you. Now on to my post :)

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Today I read a very interesting post HERE about a study showing that the study participants tended to rate Black people (men and women) as being more masculine and Asian people (men and women) as being more feminine. Also men who had strong preferences for feminine women preferred Asian women over BW. The results did not say that all humans on earth think that all BW are 100% masculine compared to all other women on earth so no need to freak out. We've heard it before, it's nothing new. But what I find interesting are the comments! It made me wonder how many times people have to repeat a criticism before someone will listen. I don't believe that merely being a woman makes you feminine and that anything a woman does must therefore be feminine (e.g., Julie shaves her beard therefore facial shaving and having a beard is feminine. Ridiculous right?). I also don't bother with those arguments that having dark skin is what makes the average Western person think BW are more masculine because that is rarely why people voice the criticism. They say it because of the woman's behaviour, demeanor, feminine facial features and hair, body, clothing, interests, voice etc (e.g., Rosie O'Donnell is not more feminine than Naomi Campbell or Kerry Washington). This 'BW are too hard criticism' plays out like this one (I'll use bad body odour as an example):

Father says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, all women have smelled like this since the 60s.
Grandma says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, women today smell different, you're too old fashioned.
Classmate: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not used to my unique scent.
Friend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: You're just jealous that you don't smell like me and you never will.
Guy on the street says: Miss you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just mad because I don't want you. You don't even know what it means to smell good.
Boyfriend says: Tia you smell bad.
Tia says: No I don't, you're just not a real man so you can't handle the way a real woman smells.
Group of 60 random people say: Tia you smell.
Tia says: No I don't this is a conspiracy to keep me down. 

How many times do different people, even those who care about you, have to voice the same criticism before you consider, 'Hmmm, maybe I do smell worse than other women. Maybe I need to start using deodorant soap, mouthwash, scented lotion, perfume, scented detergent, and better smelling products. Maybe I even need to see a doctor. If all of these people say I smell then maybe I do!' Or one can argue and end up smelly, undesirable, and alone. Now just substitute the "smell bad" part with "are too masculine". BW will fight this tooth and nail and deny, deny, DENY that anything about them is any less than the epitome of femininity. Well maybe your idea of femininity is pretty much everyone else's idea of masculinity! You are mixed up and need to find out what other people mean when they say feminine and masculine.

I just don't understand it. Well I'm guessing that of course people don't like being criticized so it is a defense mechanism. So they will talk about why their masculine traits aren't really masculine, every woman has them, there is something wrong with women who are more feminine (e.g., weak, doormats, ugly, vapid, don't carry themselves well etc.), and of course a vast conspiracy against Black women. The denials will rely on some of the examples above, slavery, racism, and frequently the accusation that there is something deficient about the men who prize women who are ultra feminine! The common statement is that men who want traditionally feminine women (e.g., men who want Asian women) are weak so they want a weak woman to control since, according to the commenter being very feminine means being very weak and docile. Oh yes, they think Asian women are weak. Well I'd rather be weak, happily married, placed on a pedestal, and seen as the ideal woman than being strong and having none of that. Are these 'real men' really that into women like you or would they actually prefer feminine women too? Feminine women are just attractive to most heterosexual men and masculine women are not attractive to most heterosexual men. There is nothing wrong with men who want feminine women.

It's really interesting hearing women insult these men since based on their preference, the men are not ambiguous about their sexual preference. On the other hand, if a man said he wanted a strong woman to tell him want to do, wear the pants, who looked and acted very masculine I'd wonder if he wouldn't rather be with a man. I would think that this individual is less masculine and more like a woman. Also for very masculine women, what kind of men do they end up with? I haven't read the study on that one. I wonder how good or long their relationships are when compared to feminine women. Are their men great catches or do they have to settle for whoever will take them? If a woman decided to change and become more feminine would she be happier with the type of partner she ends up with?

I think it's time to forget about all the conspiracies and historical references because the average person saying a specific BW is masculine isn't thinking about those things. They (like most people) have ideas of what  characterizes a feminine woman and a masculine man and when a woman has a lot in common with this masculine man idea then that woman is labeled "masculine". It's like that game, 'One of these things doesn't belong'... among other women the masculine ones just stand out. No need to watch Roots or take a gender studies class to see the difference, a child could see it. I think that some men have to just face the truth that they don't line up well with the masculine ideal just as some women have to face the truth that they don't line up well with the feminine ideal. That does not mean that there is something wrong with people who prefer those ideals...that's why they are called 'ideals' in the first place.

I think the reason for me writing the post is for BW to take a self-examination of their feminine and masculine traits. Read a description of a feminine woman and a masculine man and see who you share more traits with. If you share a lot of traits with the man then you are more masculine, if you share very few then you are more feminine. If you are so great then accept that you are a masculine woman and understand that many people also think you are a masculine woman. Men are not less than real men if you are not attractive to them. You just are not their type and they are not your type either. But if you want other people to think that you are very feminine then....look and act more feminine! You may have to just do more, more than other women, if you don't want to be stereotyped as masculine. Obviously if studies like this bother you so much you actually do want to be more feminine. All BW can do to make the world see us as being more feminine is to just be more feminine. Easiest solution and the most logical.

Clothing Men Prefer on Women

This post is about clothing that men love to see women wear. In a future post I will write about clothing I love to see men wearing because I have preferences and it's not just about women being appealing to men. I have no problem looking fantastic for my fantastic looking man! Of course you can wear what you want and take the chance that you will meet someone who loves your androgynous style or you may be lucky enough to see someone on a regular basis (e.g., school, work, social group etc.) so that they fall in love with your personality first. For myself, I don't want to take chances and I don't have the same luck so I'm going to put out the bait to attract men and look feminine and respectable while doing so.

I think one has to be cautious about accepting the advice of women who are opposed to other women trying to look good for men. Sometimes I know they just don't want women to get hurt with extreme diets or plastic surgery, feeling shame/sadness if they don't come close to meeting beauty ideals, wearing things that don't make them feel comfortable, or a fear that men will only like them for their looks. But some of these women may have personal issues that are different from yours, they may be very angry with some men in their lives when you haven't had the same experiences, or they may have very different life goals (e.g., not heterosexual, believe in having lots of casual sex, believe in open marriages/relationships, doesn't believe in marriage, want to raise kids alone).

It's even worse when some women advocate not to do certain things when they are the poster women for those very things (e.g., thin women telling overweight women not to lose weight, beautiful women telling less attractive women to not wear makeup, women in relationships telling single women not to do anything to attract a man, women who's parents were married saying marriage doesn't matter, women without children saying women can raise children on their own etc.). It's hard to know what's going on behind the advice especially if a person is really adamant about their views. So to be fair you should really listen to a lot of different opinions and then choose the opinions, actions, or goals that make the most sense and feel the most comfortable to you. This will take time, learning, and introspection. For me, I look to women who are in relationships/married for relationship advice or experts (e.g., relationship counselors, match makers), or even men since I want to live with one of them not another woman. Why is it more enlightened to cave to the fashion industry or trends by buying new clothes every season? I'd rather buy some classic, durable, feminine clothes that I can wear for years that also attract men.

So below are links to information from men and women about what clothing and looks men prefer on women. You can ignore all of this information if you wish :)

• 5 outfits guys secretly hope you will wear video (I ignored the parts about pants since I never wear them. I'm all for the sexy librarian look. I like simple dresses too)
• What men want women to wear
• Here is a link to some interesting commentary on a dating forum where a woman asked "why do men like women to wear dresses/skirts?" I like reading forums sometimes because they show you what a group of people, from who knows where, think about a subject and in this case it is one where men and women are seeking relationships. This is useful if you don't have the time or know enough people to ask their opinions. Notice how negative some of the women are about the topic (e.g., calling men pigs for finding women's legs attractive) and how many have gotten used to just wearing jeans and not doing much about their appearance. I like this quote, "The only good thing about pants on a woman, is seeing the shape of her butt. Otherwise, they look clunky and industrial. Now a dress... accents her curves....and flows when she moves. Poetry in motion."
• It's almost like a flirty thing. When you wear a dress sometimes men start to fantasize about you in a way they don't with women in pants. Some women may be uncomfortable with the idea of this fantasizing but I like it, and I think it's powerful to be able to attract someone's attention so easily. I just ignore the men who don't interest me and revel in the attention of the one's I like. It's interesting the way some commenters actually said the question was "silly" and that the poster should obviously know that men prefer women in dresses/skirts because they make women look more feminine, accentuate their curves, and make men fantasize, but really I think some women don't know this! Or they know this but they don't care because they are more comfortable in pants or baggy clothes for whatever reason.
• Interesting website called The Rules Revisited by a man telling women what men want. There was an interesting post called Feminine beauty is highly controllable. The article is basically saying there is a lot your can do to improve your looks if you are willing to put in the effort. 
• Just because...How to dress like the ladies of Mad Men
• Clothes guys don't want women to wear (agree)
• Things women wear that men hate
• Things men hate that women wear
• Top 10 styles women love to wear but men hate to see

Black Women's Thoughts On Femininity

Here are some videos by some Black women who believe in being very feminine :)

Totally agree with this one :)

Another good too by a young woman (she swears a bit though)

Please do not conduct yourself like the woman in this VIDEO (a lot of foul language). No I really don't agree with her except about the BW bashers being jerks. The part about all women needing to be dominated is actually dangerous in my opinion. Her message was totally lost because she made herself look horrible because of the extreme nature of her statements and the way they were delivered full of profanity. If you are criticizing the attractiveness of other people then you had better look and act attractive yourself. She made herself look and sound like the hard, masculine, "I don't need no man", angry Black woman stereotype and people used that to insult and discredit her. You have to seem competent, rational, and credible to deliver certain messages and actually have people listen. 

Why Do Men Like Naughty Traditional Roles?

This is just me trying to understand gender roles and relationships again related to my 'Lessons we can Learn' series. I'm also thinking about Halloween lol! Well I believe that there are actually some really cute Western fashions. Like most highly feminine outfits, men fantasize about women wearing these items! They especially like it when women wear tight and short outfits and behave in a somewhat naughty manner. I'll link to some examples but these are not suitable for work...wow. The naughty cheerleader, school girl (sometimes gross), ballerina, stewardess, French maid, secretary, nurse, babysitter, waitress, teacher, librarian, or even princess (real or fictional, prom queen, beauty queen etc.) comes to mind, perhaps even Barbie. The only masculine type of fantasy role would be the female boss or police officer who dominates the man while wearing a short and tight outfit lol. What is it about these roles that men find so attractive? Is it the case that women in some of these roles are more desirable to men and therefore more likely to marry or be in relationships? Are they more likely to be sexually harassed?




Well let's look at some common factors.
Nurturing and caring: The fantasy maid, stewardess, babysitter, nurse, secretary, teacher, and waitress may be fantasies because they care for men's needs, usually know what men need without being asked, provide good things so the men don't have to do it themselves (e.g., cleaning, child care, health care, office work, information, or food), and often do so with a smile. Maybe they are looking for someone just like mom? Perhaps it's a classical conditioning thing and when they see women in these roles or costumes pleasant feelings and memories are triggered?
Subservient/Dominant yet feminine: I would say that in French maid, babysitter, stewardess, nurse, secretary, and waitress roles the women are subservient to men except perhaps the teacher (though they are often subservient to a male principal). I don't think that men are intimidated by these roles and they may think that these women have qualities that would make them good wives and mothers. In the past (and some in the present) the women would wear cute, feminine outfits that have now been replaced with androgynous ones either for equality or because they are more practical/comfortable for the women. It may also be because of sexual harassment because we have all probably seen a show/movie where a nurse, secretary etc. was pinched on the bottom and harassed. On the other hand, sometimes these roles can be dominant and some men like that fantasy. For instance the uptight boss, disciplinary teacher, strict babysitter, female cop, or no-nonsense nurse. These roles do have some authority.
Familiarity: Many men and women are used to seeing women in these roles so when they think of women they think of these occupations. As children/teenagers, men may have lived with maids, had babysitters, seen a nurse, and had many female teachers who they fantasized about. Men are used to seeing waitresses whenever they eat in public. In the past the female secretary may have been the only woman in a workplace. So when men think of their dream woman she may take on one of these familiar roles. In some cases (e.g., restaurants) women are hired for their looks and the better looking hostesses and waitresses get better tips. Due to socialization and life experiences I think most men don't fantasize about naughty accountants, mechanics (perhaps), gym teachers, or engineers (I'm not saying don't go into those professions just because men don't fantasize about them).
Trophy wife/girlfriend: I think that princesses, beauty queens/prom queens, ballerinas, and Barbies are desirable because they are seen as beautiful trophies. Physically they are highly beautiful and feminine and appear to be ideal women. These are highly sought after and sometimes public figures that men want to possess and show off to others. A real princess is a member of royalty and therefore different from other women. Beauty queens and prom queens are the winners of beauty, talent, and popularity contests. Ballerinas perform on stage and work hard for lead roles. Women who look like Barbies appear to conform to a rare and unattainable beauty ideal. There are many women who dye their hair blonds and quite a few who have had surgery or dress/wear makeup to look like Barbie. Actually when you think about it, a man who has a woman who cooks and cleans for him would probably brag about that too!
Feminine outfits: I think that men like women in short, tight, feminine uniforms and women know it. That is why on Halloween you will often see women dressed as school girls, nurses, maids etc. These are also costumes that women sometimes wear for their men in the bedroom when they may do something totally different for work. It's interesting that in Japan women dress up as maids and there are maid restaurants where women in the frilly costumes serve customers.

I think that this list says a few things that many of us already know about men. They like women who are nurturing and caring, subservient in most cases, beautiful, and dressed well in a feminine manner. They also look for women like those they are familiar with such as Mom, past crushes, and fantasy figures. Well personally I love French maid uniforms but I would be uncomfortable wearing one to work with strangers. For many of the old uniforms it probably wasn't practical or comfortable wearing a short skirt and having to bend over all the time. I still think they are cute costumes sometimes. But as usual, many of the costumes are too sexy and revealing instead of cute and sweet like the traditional costumes.

I'm not endorsing going into any of the professions mentioned just to be attractive to men. So instead of taking on the roles maybe we should nurture some of their traits in ourselves. We can try to be more caring and nurturing by being supportive and doing nice things. Occasionally get over your fear of ever cleaning or serving anyone (you don't have to do it all the time). Dress up when you go out with your man so he will show you off. Wear things that he finds attractive that are also comfortable and appropriate. Play around with being submissive or dominant and find a balance that works (that's all I'm going to say about that and I don't mean that freaky, kinky stuff).

Lastly, before getting up in arms about having to do anything to "please a man" or be a man's fantasy think about your fantasy man. Do you have things you want him to do to please you (e.g., surprise you with thoughtful gifts and romantic gestures)? Are you attracted to men in certain roles or uniforms (e.g., three piece suit...swoon)? Are you attracted only to men who treat you or make you feel a certain way (like a beautiful treasure)? Is there a certain type of man you would brag about and show off to your friends (a good looking prestigious man)? If so, then you have fantasies that men have to live up to as well. BUT personally I'm not interested in a man who expects me to obey him like he's my boss or father...I would resent that too much to tolerate it. We have to treat each other like adults with equally valid goals, thoughts, and opinions. A little fantasy and role play is fine but it's just play.

Related Articles:
Causes of sexual harassment (so basically women can be harassed in traditional and non-traditional roles but in the non-traditional roles they may earn more)
Men want women to be more traditional and women are happy to be the housewife (interesting, just stating what people want and think, time to face reality)
Men prefer subordinate women for long term relationships (oh...)

Should Women Act Like Men to Get Ahead?

I read a bunch of articles about why women should act like men and they are posted below. Basically what these articles are saying is that it's better for women to act like women at work by using their emotional intelligence and abilities to get along with others! It may help them though to act like men in terms of negotiating their salaries before taking a job, exaggerating their accomplishments, and asking for raises and promotions. When women try to act like men to get ahead at work they are punished for violating gender norms by not being liked and not getting promotions (i.e., others think they are weird and they don't fit in). As one article mentioned it is better to show feminine and masculine traits when necessary at work and not behave the same way all the time. The articles seem to encourage being feminine but using those traits to be a new kind of emotionally-aware feminine leader. This is very pro-woman because it does not hold men's leadership styles as being the ideal and only way to be a leader and finds value in the way women do things. It also shows that some great male leaders sow traits that are usually labeled "feminine" (e.g., caring, cooperative, nurturing, kind etc.). This is the perfect example of where someone theorizes that something will be better (i.e., for women to be successful they have to stop acting like women and do what successful men do, it's just common sense) only to discover that in real life, and evidenced by research, it doesn't work!

But I have to note that all of these articles are about being successful as CEOs, managers, or in business environments where you are competing with others. These are jobs where you may have to work very long hours with great pressure and competition to climb the corporate ladder. But many women work in fields where they are not competing to make the best business deals, produce the most, or become leaders. There are some positions were you are rewarded for great social skills with customers or coworkers, where you are rewarded based on seniority not competition (just doing well enough and not getting fired will bring rewards), or everyone is at the same level and working somewhat independently. So these jobs are very different from someone on Wall Street who is competing for deals with other employees and trying to become the head of a company. So other than asking for salaries, raises, and promotions and boasting about achievements what is the benefit of women in these other fields acting like men? What if you don't work for a corporation or want to climb the corporate ladder at all?

I don't want to climb a corporate ladder but it's fine if others want to. I have my degree and designation so I just have to find a job and do it efficiently. I don't plan on becoming the head of the place where I work because that will entail more time, stress, and responsibility than I am willing to take on. I just want to work 9 to 5 and go home to a loving family. I don't plan on conquering the world or getting in the spotlight because that was more of a school thing and I'm done with that stress. My education will bring me respect and power and just having my job will do that. I guess I had a long and stressful academic career and now I'm done with it and I want to move on to my actual career with less pressure. I'm satisfied :)

For me, the biggest achievement in my life will be to have two, healthy, successful children and a long and happy marriage! Yes I'm serious. Having children period will be an achievement because many people can't do that and passing on genes is success from a genetic and evolutionary standpoint. Having healthy, well-behaved, well-liked, and successful children will also be a great achievement not just because I will love being around them. It's an achievement because so many people fail with these things including highly successful and influential people! I mean there are people who influence millions and own millions yet they can't keep their kids off drugs and out of jail (e.g., Paris Hilton)! They will be good kids because I passed on good genes and I raised them to be that way (of course they are the one's who chose to act like good kids. No I don't plan to live through them or be a crazy controlling mom). If I am able to produce children and they turn out well...I admit, that will make me feel better than many people way more than being in charge of a company or winning awards.

Furthermore, look at how much admiration society gives to couples who have been married for a long time! Those people are admired because they were able to do what so many successful and influential people have been unable to do--maintain a long marriage and intact family. People say these couples are lucky to have found love with someone compatible, dedicated to making things work, and it's assumed that the woman is a good wife and the man is a good husband. They must have good relationship skills or just have something that keeps the other person around (can't say the same for MANY beautiful and successful people like Tiger Woods, Halle Berry, Heidi Clum, Tom Cruise and so many "regular people" too). Great kids and lasting and loving marriage are status symbols that actually love you back, keep you company, enrich your life, take care of you, and keep your legacy going. These are things no house, car, job, or degree can ever do. For these reasons my family will be my #1 priority not my job. The jobs of wife and mother are for life. Just think about this, if you lost your job one day you might be devastated, feel depressed, and think the world isn't fair but you can get another job, maybe even a better one. But what if one day you lost your husband and kids...that would be much worse and that is why they are always more important than your job. They can never be replaced with the same people you love and that is why they should always be the most important parts of your life.

Articles: 

1. Don't want to be harassed? Stop acting like a man
2. Should women act like men to fit in? (maybe if you want to be a CEO on a boards full of men, but if not why bother? Why is acting like a man to be successful at work ok but being more ladylike to be successful with men is called fake? I mean you live, sleep, and procreate with your man not your job. Shouldn't you train and improve your skills to fulfill the more important job of wife? Yes there are good wife and good husband skills that some people just don't have. If just being yourself was enough then everyone would be married and there would be no divorce)
3. Should women act like men to get on?
4. Should women act like men to get ahead? (interesting to note that 57% of men but only 7% of women in the study negotiated their salaries when hired...maybe that's why some men earn more? Article encourages women to exaggerate their accomplishments)
5. When a woman should act like a man (so women who act like men are seen as more competent but deficient in social skills so they are less liked and promoted. The most effective women used masculine traits when necessary but not all the time and this requires self-monitoring/self-control and not just "being yourself")
6. For women it doesn't pay to be nice (being agreeable pays less but working hard pays more. I'd rather make less, get along, and go home to a loving family than earn more, not have friends, and work 80 hours a week. I choose less stress and more sleep and free time over money)
7. Do you have to act like a man to succeed in business? (women should embrace their natural emotional intelligence)
8. Worst advice for women: Act like men
9. Secret of successful women is femininity: (women who take aggressive approach at work less likely to be promoted, very interesting! "The bossy women who made a conscious effort not to appear too threatening by ‘self-monitoring’ their behaviour had done better than those who had carried on regardless.")
10. Is there an advantage to thinking like a man? (opinion piece)
11. The next-generation of female leaders will emerge at a faster pace when women stop trying to 'act like men': I want to know why acting like men is seen as so great and I want an answer to this question as well, "But this is what I, the next-generation thirty-year-old female that I am, would like to know: by denouncing femininity within the workplace - in lieu of simply encouraging leadership skills - are we making things more difficult for the next generation of female leaders who are comfortable within their own skin? Can women be themselves and become leaders?"
12. Why don't women act more like men at work?
13. The essence of femininity: LOVE THIS POST!!! I agree with everything in this post it is definitely a MUST READ!!! I'm going to post a link to Hooking Up Smart because I have really liked some of their posts.
14. Feminism vs. Feminism (interesting)

HAPPY READING :)

Rewards and Punishments for your Chosen Style

Education really can change the way you think about the world. It's really amazing the way taking one class, introductory psychology, 15 years ago could have changed the way I think about human behaviour so much! In that class I first learned about behaviourism and operant conditioning--the idea that people will do and continue to do things that will bring them rewards or avoid and stop doing things that bring them punishments. People do this and so do animals. So basically when people say they do something just because they "like it"  I don't really take that seriously. Instead I just accept that they are getting some reward for that behaviour so they keep on doing it. The reward could be external (e.g., attention from others, money, praise, etc.), or internal (e.g., it feels good to their senses, makes them feel happy, calms them etc.). Sometimes people don't even realize that they are getting rewards or that they stopped doing other things because they were receiving punishments (e.g., frustration, lack of attention, boredom etc.).

In my writing I often talk about doing what's right for you in your given situation (because what is rewarded or punished varies by situation) and doing things that are beneficial (rewarding) and not harmful for you (punishing). This fits with my last few posts because defense mechanisms (previous post), understanding the pro-woman line (previous post), and acting feminine in order to be treated better (previous post) all make sense under operant conditioning. There is no labeling women as strong or weak, smart or dumb, leaders or followers, independent or brainwashed, basically no judgements about the validity, righteousness, or intelligence of their ideas and choices. As long as what they are doing brings rewards and avoids punishments their behaviour makes sense. The person is not attacked (no ad hominem attacks). BUT what one can argue is about is whether a person is behaving in a way that will get the BEST, most FREQUENT, and most LIKELY rewards from PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY MATTER (e.g., have power to make their lives better). Their choice of behaviour can be criticized on these grounds because their actions may be against their long-term best interests. I think this may best be explained with the examples below.

Example 1) A young woman dresses like a male gangster because she feels afraid of her neighborhood and sad and angry about her life. She says she does it because she likes it, it is her way of expressing herself, and a lot of people do it:
 Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful and invincible when others fear her
-safe, protected, and accepted when in a group of friends dressed the same way
-pride and confidence when others admire her style and dress in the same way (because others think she's cool)
-comfortable because the clothes are loose and warm
-safe and protected when she passes men on the street who ignore instead of harass her

Punishments (cons)
- she feels anger and fear when police follow her around and harass her because she looks like a criminal
-disappointment and hopeless when she is turned down for jobs
-frustration, disappointment, and hopelessness when teachers have low expectations from her, fail to encourage her, and punish her more harshly than others
-sadness, loneliness, anger, and rejection when family and past friends criticize her appearance and behaviour and abandon her
-sadness and loneliness when people stare, avoid, or negatively stereotype her
-fear and anger when other people challenge her and act aggressively
-feels inadequate and unattractive when men don't pay attention to her

For some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. Basically for the woman who dresses gangster, feeling safe, protected, and powerful outweighs the unpleasantness of being avoided and thought of as a trouble maker. However for others the punishments will be too much and they will abandon their gangster style. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a gangster. In a safe environment this behaviour would be against a woman's best interests because it would unnecessarily get her in trouble with parents, some friends, teachers, strangers, and the police.

Saana Lathan, Gabrielle Union, and Nia Long, I just call them
EBW Gold! They are just gorgeous!!!

Example 2) A young woman dresses like a girly-girl because she wants to be liked by other women and men and does not currently feel liked or attractive. She says she does it because she likes it, it's her way of expressing herself, and a lot of others do it.
Rewards (pros)
-she feels powerful because she can get others to treat her well and do things for her
-cared for and adored because people treat her like she is delicate and precious
-pride and confidence because other women admire and compliment her
-attractive and desirable because men notice her and ask her out
-pride and confidence because she looks a lot like the women who are held up as ideal by society

Punishments (cons; so I did finally come up with some drawbacks to being ultra-feminine)
- she feels disappointment, frustration, and sadness when some people assume she is weak, unintelligent, or brainwashed or another negative stereotype because she dresses in a traditional manner (e.g., whitewashed)
-sadness, disappointment, loneliness when other women criticize, insult, and ridicule her out of jealousy
-hopelessness and frustration trying to maintain her appearance and live up to beauty and fashion standards
-discomfort from wearing certain things (e.g., nylons, high heels, uncomfortable garments etc.).
-annoyance and discomfort from the unwanted attention of some men

Once again for some women the enjoyment of the rewards will outweigh the punishments and they will not change. For someone who takes this route the attention, approval, and favoritism outweighs the cattiness from other women and the hassle of maintaining their appearance. For these women (like myself) the appeal of the rewards outweighs the punishments because the people most important to me will be supportive. For other women the fear of the punishments will prevent them from ever attempting to dress like a girly girl. It could be the case that this behaviour could get a woman in trouble in a dangerous environment where it is better to go unnoticed or where jealous women have the power to make her life miserable.

Do Ultra Feminine Women Have Horrible Lives? Part I

I want to start off this post with testimonials from two different women about how their lives improved after they decided to embrace and express their femininity. These women changed their lives because they wanted to and this blog did not inspire their changes. The comments have been condensed a bit but you may follow the links to read the original content. Benefits of being more feminine have been highlighted in pink, negative consequences of being a "strong, independent Black woman" are in blue :)

Testimonial #1: I too used to be considered strong and independent. Even though I looked feminine, I was not treated as such because everyone just assumed I was tough because I'm black. I'm 5'5 and I weigh 110 so guys were initially attracted to me, unfortunately, after a couple months they would leave me. It took me a very long time to figure out where I was going wrong. One day I was at work and one of the girls asked me to lift something heavy, which wasn't a problem at the time because I was used to people asking me to do stuff they would normally ask a guy. That's when it clicked, it was like a light came on in my head. People were treating me as if I were a man. Men liked me but they did not stay with me because I didn't possessed a lot of feminine qualities. They would never buy me jewelry or flowers or take care of things for me. Some of them even expected me to go 50-50 on dates when the bill came. I used to get frustrated because I didn't understand why men treated me differently. My girlfriends were having way better luck than me and I just didn't get it until that moment where I was lifting that heavy box at work. I soon realised that real men didn't like strong independent women, especially strong independent black women.

I decided to put an end to it. I became more girly and feminine and I noticed right away that men were being nicer to me. I was shocked. All I did was acted more feminine and girly. What I would do was watch a bunch of movies (particularly Bollywood movies) where the women were ultra feminine, and I started to mirror their behaviour and mannerism. Suddenly men were buying me things, taking me on expensive trips and helping me with all sorts of things. I felt like they wanted to protect me. The more feminine I became the more men were nice to me.
That was two years ago, now I'm in a happy relationship with a really nice guy who gives me a lot of attention. He takes care of me, and I don't have to work as hard anymore, I just work three days a week because I wanted to keep working so that I can maintain some level of independence. But it's always nice knowing that I don't have to work because I look at my female co-workers and I can tell that they're all over worked and stressed because they are all 'strong independent' women who are single and miserable like I was two years ago. Maria :) (original post)

Testimonial #2: I grew up with my grandmother and she was one of those strong black woman who was forced to take care of 8 kids all by herself after her husband died. She would teach us to be independent because she was alone for so long she forgot what it was like to be a woman.

I use to describe myself as independent and strong but it obviously worked against me when it came to relationships. In my country there are a lot of Indian women who are so feminine and growing up I was teased for trying to be like them. I always admired these women because in my family there were no feminine women to look up to. Eventually I decided to ignore everyone and started being more feminine. Now men are much nicer to me and men of other races find me attractive. They admire my femininity and they want to protect me and take care of me. My quality of life improved a lot and I finally found a really nice guy who enjoys taking care of me and spoiling me. At work my co-workers are jealous of me because I have a wealthy fiance and they can't even get a date. I try to help them but they won't listen, well, at least not yet. But overall, I'm a much happier person. Anonymous (original post)

Everything highlighted in pink is very appealing to me and these are things that many women want. I really don't like experiencing the things highlighted in blue and some women feel the same way. Others seem to actually like the blue items though. But for me, those are very compelling testimonials about why enhancing and expressing femininity may be beneficial to women. But of course these are just two testimonials and I'm wondering if there are testimonials out there saying the exact opposite? I along with others are more convinced by scientific studies, surveys of what many men prefer, and the wisdom of marriage counselors, match makers, and dating experts (who have actually helped and interviewed many people in a systematic way). So, the only way I would be convinced that being more feminine is a bad thing is if these multiple sources say women who are more feminine lead worse lives than those who are more androgynous or masculine. Also, the contradictory evidence has to be more prevalent, unbiased, and credible.

I think that whenever someone feels forced to do something and they have no power to choose then they may be unhappy whether the pressure is to be more feminine or more masculine. It will be easy to point to women who are miserable because they were barred from their desired profession, forced to marry and have kids, or forced to do all housework and I would expect those women to be miserable. But it can be equally miserable if you are forced to do everything yourself, expected to not show emotions, ridiculed for wanting marriage and children, chastised for liking certain fashions, and ridiculed for trying to look good.

I tried to find articles stating women with more feminine traits are disadvantaged in some way but I couldn't find anything and gave up. There were articles that we are all familiar with about disadvantages in society experienced by women in general, but not specifically more feminine women. I did find articles (some with scientific references) that stated some advantages of being feminine and they are posted below. Some of the articles are about what men prefer in women and they are important because they reassure feminine women that their appearance and traits are desirable and can get them the men they want (i.e., unless you want to date and marry women don't listen to them when they tell you to look more masculine).

Of course there are certain traits (e.g., rational thinking, ambition, control over emotions etc.) that are often described as masculine and lead to more success in the workplace, but even feminine women can possess these traits in the workplace. But work is work and you should modify your behavior among family, friends, and potential partners. Certain feminine traits (e.g., openness, good communication skills, cooperation, caring) are also important to success too.  I know that being extremely passive, never taking risks, and being totally dependent can have negative consequences but so can the exact opposite! I do not believe that suddenly women will lose their rights to work, vote, and be treated like human beings if we all start wearing dresses and lipstick, stop swearing, and let men open doors. So unless I see really compelling evidence that looking and acting ultra-feminine (within reason, I mean I don't plan on walking around in a ball gown and tiara lol) will hurt me I will continue to feel secure in my femininity.

Related Articles:
Being flirtatious, not friendly, gets women better deals
You can be a charming woman
Men prefer women with make-up on
How to flirt like a Southern lady and be irresistible
How to be irresistible to men
Why men love feminine women
Do you wonder how to be more feminine?
Interesting article because it proposes that there are drawbacks to certain forms of femininity (i.e., appearing oversexed)- How American women lost their femininity
Testimonial 

I had to post this because I found it interesting since I prefer cute/pretty boys lol -Why women don't want macho men (MUST READ seriously confirms everything I feel, it's almost eerie),  Men with feminine faces more likely to be a hit with women, Why women now prefer Johnny Depp to Sean Connery, and Women prefer feminine men. I do prefer a narrow rather than round face and full lips but I do agree with the images they posted. Maybe my tastes aren't so strange after all lol! I wrote about this in my previous posts Maybe I have a sensitivity to masculinity and Prestigious males are very attractive to me.

Maybe I have a Sensitivity to Masculinity LOL!

I just wanted to mention I changed the layout of the EBW Tumblr site and it looks so much better and you can see all the photos by scrolling instead of turning pages. I LOVE it :) Eventually I'll probably switch to Pinterest though if it's more popular.

Just right!

Wait a minute, JGL kind of looks like the first guy....do I like feminine men??? Darn it those Big Bopper and Tiger Beat magazines I read (drooled on) growing up made me love pretty boys lol!!! Oh well, skinny, pretty guys need love and cuddles too :) Actually the first guy is kind of cute....I have to face it, I prefer men with a feminine side. I swear I'm straight though...seriously ;)

I think that in the past things were like this:

A. Femininity-X-----------------------------Androgyny--------------------X---------------Masculinity
          Preferred Woman                                                   Preferred Man

The preferred woman would be ultra feminine and was prevented from doing anything masculine. She was not allowed much if any independence, men ruled her life, she was their property, she was there to look pretty, have children and care for them, take care of the house, and do what men wanted. She dressed in an ultra feminine way reserved for women.

The preferred male was very masculine by not extremely so because he was a gentleman. He was intelligent, chivalrous, resourceful, and a good provider and protector for women, his family, and society. He was the leader and head of the household and everyone had to listen to him. Some of these men, especially of the upper classes, put work into their appearance and dress so that they looked good and stayed fashionable. But he dressed in a masculine way reserved for men.

Then over the past 100 years things shifted and I think in Western countries things are more like this today:


B. Femininity--------------------------------X-Androgyny-----------------------------------X-Masculinity
                                              Preferred Woman                                      Preferred Man

Basically everyone became too masculine and I think I'm allergic to that much masculinity lol! I think that in the 60s-80s women were more in the middle of the Femininity-Androgyny side and I think that was pretty good. Women worked and had rights, they still dressed in a feminine manner but not in the ultra feminine way of the past. Women wanted to be treated as equals and society began to accept and promote that. Women were still women but they were able to do more of the things men did and they did not have to look ultra feminine. But I think today it has gone so far that the preferred women in the media and to feminists would be practically androgynous. She wears women's clothing that look like men's and it's hard to tell she is a woman physically. She devalues feminine things and strives to prove she can do everything men can do and prefers what they prefer. The preferred woman is too close to androgyny and has given up all the things I love about women (e.g., softness, kindness, sweetness, dresses, skirts, bows, flowers, kittens, bunnies, smiles, cupcakes, baby ducks, and all that sissy stuff lol).

The men in the 60s-80s were still similar to the way they were in the past but they were getting used to thinking of women as equals (of course many fought against this). But then guess who came along...the tough, muscled, body builder, tough talking, rule breaking, ultra male of the film industry. This male typified by Marlon Brando, Burt Reynolds, the Marlboro Man, and eventually Arnold Swartzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and many physically dominant athletes. These were examples of masculinity on steroids (literally) and this is when bodybuilding began. At times I admit I do find these men physically attractive, but they have so many other unattractive things about them that I just don't want to have relationships with them. They are nice to look at but do they really get along with others or settle down for a quiet peaceful life? They just aren't boyfriend or husband material.

So this is what I think I like:


C. Femininity-----------X---------------------Androgyny--------------------X----------------Masculinity
        Preferred Woman                                                       Preferred Man

Yes, what I prefer is almost the same dynamic present in Example A. BUT...I want all of the gains women and men have made to remain! So I want women to keep the rights and respect they have yet still be allowed to wear dresses, bake cupcakes (if they want), and love kittens. I want men to not feel the need to be tough, ultra masculine men but instead go back to being more like chivalrous gentlemen. These gentlemen will want to have families and settle down while still having respect for women and their partners. So there will be less pressure for everyone to be masculine and masculinity will not be valued more than femininity. This level of masculinity is just enough for me :) I admit I do like some androgynous traits in men such as: long hair (lol, maybe I just like retro hair); metrosexuals in terms of personal grooming with little body hair; cute voices rather than deep ones; cute boyish faces rather than hard ultra masculine ones; guys who are younger or my age rather than older guys; thin rather than big guys; and of course guys who are sweet, nice, romantic, and sensitive. So these are things that the ultra masculine men don't have.

Many people don't have the same sensitivity I do so they are perfectly comfortable with Example B and will say anything a woman does or wears is feminine because she is a woman so basically anything goes. So they may date men who I think are way too hard or act in ways that I think are way too masculine but to others it will be perfectly "normal". I understand this. We just have a different sensitivity/preference and you may be comfortable with the status quo.

My next question would be, 'who do men prefer?' Followed by 'will the men I prefer actually prefer me?' From what I have read many men prefer very feminine women however I have just learned some (e.g., hipsters) don't seem to care and are comfortable with androgyny. I'll have to test out the second question in my real life :)


This made me think of Japanese pop stars. This is how I think things are in Japanese pop today lol!:



C. Femininity-X--------------------------------Androgyny--X----------------------------------Masculinity
               Preferred Woman                                  Preferred Man


Yes, I like my men to have a soft side but he shouldn't be wearing my make-up or looking prettier than me lol!

Remember when Being Feminine and Girly was a Black Thing?

When exactly did Black women start embracing the "strong, hard, independent Black woman" instead of the "feminine, delicate, elegant Black woman"? I know that during slavery Black women could not afford the same clothing as White women and they had to do hard labor, so let's just focus on after slavery. During those times there were surely poor Black women and those who were "better off" in their communities. Again let's focus on the women who were "better off" and could actually afford to choose their clothing (even if it was of lesser quality than the clothing White women could afford). Many of these women may have actually sewn their own clothes but they would have had to purchase the fabric. These women dressed very similar to White women at the time. I don't know for sure, but they may have added their own unique flare to the styles, but they were very feminine, elegant, and beautiful. I do also notice that they attempted to style their hair like White women which is unfortunate, but they probably needed to in order to work and fit in at the time.

So there was a time when Black women and White women followed the same fashion trends and dressed in a similar manner! When did this stop? Was it in the 60s when Black women started wearing afros? During the 60s and the civil rights and feminist movements Black and White women wore pants more often and embraced the sloppy hippie look. Both looks could be feminine or masculine at times. Was it the 70s? I think the Black disco queens were quite feminine. I don't think it was most of the 80s either because there were many Black female celebrities (e.g., the Pointer Sisters) who dressed in a feminine manner that was quite similar to the style of White celebrities.

There have always been subcultures who had their unique styles but I'm talking about mainstream fashion that was worn by the masses and then promoted by fashion designers and brands. Often times a musician would have a style, fans would copy the style and attitude of the musician, and eventually the mainstream would embrace the music, style, and attitude (or an actress would star in a big movie and fans would copy her style seen in the movie and in public). I think that the point where Black women embraced hard, edgy, defiant, masculine styles and mannerisms was the 1990s (because they liked them, not because they had to)! Prior to the 90s there was not much of a difference between Black and White female fashions, at least one did not seem more masculine than the other.  The 90s saw hip hop culture become mainstream and "urban fashion" was born. Urban female fashion was hard, edgy, overly sexy, or a female version of MEN'S fashion (in fact, when I was a girl I just wore my brother's old clothes). The sexy part was similar to White women's fashion but the hard, masculine part was unique to urban fashion (well actually White women had punk fashion that was hard and masculine but all White women were never pressured to dress punk. White people had many other styles that they chose from so they did not limit themselves to one style). By the 90s many Black women had also accepted feminism and along with that many rejected anything that was traditionally feminine (e.g., learning how to cook, sew, knit, and act like a lady etc.).

Celebrities who embraced urban fashion included Mary J. Blige, TLC, Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, Salt & Pepa, Aalyiah, Brandy, Monica, SWV, Xscape, and many others. When you think of these women, when they were most popular they tended to wear over-sized clothing that often looked like men's clothes and in their videos they rarely smiled and often looked unhappy. These were the women that Black women everywhere emulated! Some celebrities like En Vogue dressed in a feminine manner but they also had a hard edge sometimes. Fortunately, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey appeared "nice" in their videos as did some other pop and R & B singers (both women were accused of acting "too White"). This was the time when hardness and attitude crept into the professional personas of Black musicians and it was rare to see a Black musician who appeared sweet, soft, or down to earth without a chip on her shoulder. This was also echoed on television shows where elegant women like Claire Huxtable were replaced with loud, obnoxious caricatures like Gina on the Martin show, and numerous characters on In Living Color and Saturday Night Live (remember Ellen Cleghorn and her character threatening to cut everyone?).

Some may argue that the world always thought that Black women were unfeminine compared to other women and the change in fashion would not have made a difference. I just don't believe that! I think that if Black women had continued to choose mainstream fashions (and attitudes) instead of urban fashion then we would look no different from White or Asian women and perhaps today we would be regarded in the same manner. Look at how people react to Michelle Obama. Some still hold racist views and claim that she is angry and militant but sensible people can see she is very feminine, a caring mother, and a devoted wife, and that she dresses the same way they do (or the way they aspire to dress). Many Black women CHOSE to appear different and rejected anything that was overly feminine by calling it "White" and embraced masculine, oversized clothing as being "Black". We also did the same thing by calling good manners, speaking softly, becoming educated, reading etc. "acting White" even though these things were once cherished in the Black community! Instead we chose to follow the uneducated, criminal rappers and their hard, defiant, hyper-masculine attitudes. We followed these men in an attempt to "keep it real" and show our loyalty when we would have been better off following the fashion aimed at women in general! Part of this may have been an angry rejection of anything associated with White culture but I don't think it has helped us and it has only marginalized us further. It didn't work so what's the point holding on to it (the same goes for Black men acting hard because it has backfired)? Black women today need to realize that Black women were not always hard! Even in the face of blatant racism during Jim Crowe many women still carried themselves with more dignity and appeared more feminine and gentle than women today! I really think it's time that we went back to the old ways and rejected urban fashion/attitudes/mannerisms in favor of feminine, mainstream women's fashion/attitudes/mannerisms. That's exactly what I am doing!

Fantastic links to Vintage Black Women (you must visit these links and be amazed by the way Black women were once portrayed!):
Vintage Black women on Flickr
Vintage Black glamour on Tumblr
Vintage Black2 on Tumblr
16 Stone Vintage (great blog WOW!)

Any Woman can Look Masculine...But not an EBW!

Watch the video below (sorry about the music). I keep on hearing that White women (and Asian women) are supposedly the most feminine and Black women are too masculine (totally untrue) based on the way we look.

Another video about how NOT to dress and act: Feminine Masculinity & Androgyny


As you could see from the video, any woman, even a beautiful woman, can look masculine depending on her clothing, hairstyle, posture, and mannerisms. Notice most of them are slouching with their legs open, and they are not smiling. They are trying to look hard. As Black women we have to fight to not appear masculine or androgynous and leave that behaviour to other women. Don't dress like the women in the video if you want to be considered feminine and be treated like a lady. We just can't get away with it the way other women can. Some of them can dress this way, but because they are regarded as being more feminine as a group, they are still treated well. But because so many Black women have embraced masculine hip hop style and mannerisms we are considered more masculine. I don't buy that theory that dark skin is associated with being masculine, that's just some people's preference.

Here are some videos showing feminine fashion ideas:

Asian Fashion Inspiration (notice the feminine demeanor and poses!)
Asian Fashion Inspiration2

I also thought this would be interesting for those of you who don't think you are pretty enough. Most of us don't wake up looking pretty, not even celebrities!

Celebrities Without Make-up (play on mute)

Asian Women Acting Masculine, Hard, and Ghetto in Music Videos

Last night, for the first time, I watched videos of Asian girl groups! It was a surprise. Ladies, these women are singing R&B, rapping,  gyrating, dancing hip hop, and showing some serious attitude! They are displaying some real masculine traits and actually looking hard instead of delicate and submissive! These videos have millions of views so they must be popular groups. This is obviously because they were influenced by African American music and with the music comes the attitude. Too much rap and hip hop can cause people to act hard and women to act masculine even if they did not grow up in rough neighbourhoods where that was the norm. All around the world, when people listen to our music and watch our videos and movies they think all Black women are hard, aggressive, and masculine. People who like the music then start acting like the musicians. I wonder if there are groups of Asian women who are now acting hard and unfeminine because of this music? I wonder if men and their elders think it is a disgrace? If most Asian women started to act like this would they still be considered the feminine ideal?

But I'm guessing that the Asian women in these videos are just putting on an act that they can turn on and off whenever they want. They probably know that acting that way is unacceptable and counterproductive in their everyday lives so they don't become invested in it. Since so many Asian women don't act hard in real life no one today would say that most Asian women are unfeminine and have bad attitudes the way they do with us.

Please watch some of the videos linked below and let me know what you think. Are they still somehow more feminine than Black women in the videos? If so is it because their skin is light or because they are so small, thin and cute? Is it because its hard to believe these women are so hard? To be honest, even though these women are acting hard I would never be afraid of one of them but I would not be surprised if some Black female celebrities threw a punch at someone.

The girls look the hardest in this video. I actually like the song! To tell the truth, if I was in a club I would dance to any one of these songs! Makes me wonder what happened to all the Black girl groups? I used to love SWV and groups like that but I don't hear music like that anymore :(

These girls are showing plenty of "Black girl attitude" but I'm sure all those men who complain about our attitudes still think they are cute. If Black women's attitudes were so bad then why would anyone want to show that in a music video? I'm not saying we shouldn't try to be EBWs, but maybe the rest of the world doesn't think a little attitude and sass is horrible (so chin up). I've heard some people actually like that about us.

2NE1 -I Am The Best (pretty aggressive with guns!)
2NE1 -Can't Nobody (English Version) warning foul language (shocking!)
2NE1 -I Don't Care (wow, Asian woman with an afro in this one)
2NE1 Fire

I'm going to keep writing about Asian women because (unfortunately), many people believe they are very feminine and Black women are not. I'll also look into African, Middle Eastern, and Indian femininity because I don't really know much about these things so maybe readers will find it interesting too. I think I just want to see something besides the European ideal of femininity. Of course, I will post as much as I can about EBWs :)