Lessons We Can Learn From The Stepford Wives (2004)

Spoiler Alert! If you don't want to know what happens in this film or the ending please stop reading :)

After finding a photo of the Stepford Wives from the 2004 version of the movie, I decided to watch it again. In this film a powerful television executive (Nicole Kidman) was fired, her husband (Matthew Broderick) quit his job as vice president of the company, and they decided to move to Stepford. Nicole's character had short (very masculine) hair, a dominant presence, and always dressed in Black. She constantly argued with her husband and appeared angry and pushy. In Stepford she met Bette Midler's character who was a writer and she was also very pushy, loud, and a lousy housekeeper who dressed in that awful sloppy hippie style. All of the men in Stepford were rich and and went to a country club. The women were also very successful. But when the men became fed up with their wives they brought them to the club where they had computer chips placed in their brains to turn them into "perfect wives" who were gorgeous, feminine, totally obedient, and unopinionated...basically robots. Nicole and her husband devised a plan to have her pretend to be a robot so that they could destroy the computers at the club. In the end it turned out that it was actually a woman who came up with the idea for the robots because she wanted women to be cherished and loved and for men to be men again.

I'll start off by saying I do not think women need to be turned into obedient robots and men should not force women to change (or do medical procedures) against their will!!! This was a COMEDY and the femininity and gender roles were exaggerated (e.g., Glen Close's skirts were so full no one would wear them today, they were vapid, totally obedient, and lacking of personality). The original version was a horror movie with strong feminist messages about women's independence. The original had a different ending because it would be horrifying to have your loving husband remove your free will and turn you into a robot slave.

There were some interesting messages about gender roles that we can take from the film. It basically showed what men like and dislike in women (but in an exaggerated fashion). The men wanted women who were not argumentative, hard, too busy for them, masculine looking, sloppy, untidy, loud, pessimistic, unfriendly, or embarrassing in public. The men preferred women who looked feminine and pretty and were easy to get along with, and passive (totally submissive in this case). They did not seem to care about the women's careers. It was interesting to note that all of the men were low-average to below average in attractiveness but the women were all very attractive after their robot makeovers (i.e., they looked like trophy wives). Even unattractive men want beauty queens it seems! I have to admit though, I thought the women did look better after their makeovers. Except for some of the exaggerated skirts, the dresses were very pretty, their hair looked better, and they looked happier. After the makeover Nicole Kidman looked the way she does at every awards ceremony so even she prefers looking like a Stepford wife! These are some of the important messages in the movie:

• There is no need to argue over every little thing especially when it doesn't have an effect on your life. Choose your battles wisely. Be passive most of the time (don't sweat the small stuff) and assertive (not aggressive) when you need something or when you need to stand up for yourself. Men find it emasculating when they are questioned about everything they do (it would probably annoy you too to be constantly questioned). You can have an opinion, but you don't have to share your opinion on every single thing or get involved in everyone else's business.
• If you decide to become a powerful career woman then you will have to work extra hard to make sure that you spend quality (peaceful) time with your husband and family. Your work can not be your whole life. If your time with your family is as serious and anxiety-provoking as your time at work then you may lose your family.  When you step into your house it is time to be relaxed and supportive instead of competitive, punitive, or dominant the way you may need to be in some careers. In other less stressful careers it will be easier to make the work to home transition. 
• Looking more feminine can be achieved in one day. Well it will probably take some research into feminine clothing and hairstyles. But once that is done you would just need to go shopping and go to a salon (or wig shop) to get the feminine look. It's just clothes, make-up, and hair (improving posture and grace will take more time and can not be purchased). Making these changes is easy and I'm sure many of us have changed our style and hair numerous times so it isn't that serious but the rewards may be great. You can still express yourself with feminine clothing. People are likely to treat you differently (probably better) if you look feminine rather than androgynous or masculine. 
• Feminine traits can be expressed instantly by smiling more, being polite and friendly, controlling emotional expressions, and not being argumentative or snarky. We all know how to be nice but sometimes we don't feel like being nice or we don't think it is important. Many of believe we have the right to express any emotion or thought we want and everyone has to just accept our behaviour. This will eventually push people away or keep them from ever approaching you. You know your behaviour is unpleasant because I'm sure you aren't overjoyed when someone is angry or sad whenever you see them. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. It's only human to be emotional and unhappy sometimes (no one is ever happy all the time) but if you are always angry or sad then something needs to change. If you are constantly in a negative mood then you need to make some changes in your life or seek help.

Remember, it was just a comedy! Even caricatures have a grain of truth!

What's Wrong with Being a Trophy Wife?

I think the negative connotations about being a trophy wife come from the stereotype of a gorgeous, young woman (with not much else going on) being paired with an older, wealthy, unattractive man. The man has his pretty trophy and the woman has the money and lifestyle she wants so both are happy. The traditional trophy wife is a young blonde woman but nowadays it's an Asian woman (surprise, surprise, maybe Black women will be the next trophies lol). In the past, when women did not work, their worth was based on their physical appearance, lineage, and whether they would be a good wife or mother. Nowadays, some men use the same criteria while others value a woman who is educated, has a good career, can carry on a conversation, and other qualities that are based more on her inner characteristics. But for most women, the idea of being a trophy wife is insulting, degrading, and for some reason indicates they have no intelligence.

But being a trophy wife does not have to be a bad thing today (hear me out). For one, it usually means you are physically attractive. No one will ever convince me that being attractive is something women should avoid in order to be seen as equals to men. It is important for your partner to find you physically attractive! Would you actually prefer it if he thought you were just "so-so" in terms of looks? What's wrong with your man openly admitting he was first attracted to your looks and he loves the way you look? That does not mean you don't have other good qualities. I think women should also seek out men who they find physically attractive (which means the man probably won't be twice your age). There is a double standard that women are supposed to care less about the way men look and should chose them based on character alone. I'm sorry but if I meet two great guys, one looks like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the other looks like Jonah Hill, sorry but Joseph wins. I need to be physically attracted to someone in order to be physical with them. I don't want to pretend I'm with someone else and stay in my fantasy until the deed is over (as quickly as possible). Women feel awful when their men don't compliment their looks so why complain that he likes you for your looks and wants to show you off?

The feminist law has taught us that a woman is more than her looks. Everyone knows that we should be valued for our character, personality, abilities, and achievements. So unless you are totally vapid with no endearing properties you will never be merely a pretty object to show off. You would be a trophy because of what's on the outside and the inside. I don't know about you but finding out my man was bragging about me to his friends would mean more to me than a dozen roses! Men brag about trophy women because it boosts their egos to know that their woman is better than most. The quality of woman they have is a reflection of their quality as men. When a man and woman are both attractive, successful, intelligent, interesting, and well-rounded good people then aren't they both trophies? I want a trophy husband and I assure you, if he has the qualities I am looking for I will be telling everyone about how great he is and I will constantly tell him that too. As long as you love each other for more than your looks then it's a good thing. Neither of you is settling and you are both on the same level. Showing off your spouse is a compliment so just say "Thank you". You should be worried if his friends and family don't know about you and he doesn't show you off to them. That could mean you really aren't his girlfriend or he doesn't think you are good enough (i.e., not trophy material). Times have changed and there is nothing wrong with being the best woman you can be and feeling proud to be shown off on a great man's arm. I would love that!

Giving Only Because of Love

I met a guy last week and he was really amazing. After the meeting I went home and started daydreaming about how great it would be to have a relationship with this guy. I thought about all the great things we could do together and all the "traditional feminine" things I would do for him (yes I daydream A LOT). I was thinking about surprising him with cute outfits, baking cup cakes, giving massages, having him thank me for house cleaning, going out with friends, and telling him and everyone else about how great he was.

This guy met all of my "Mr. Right" criteria: has a degree (graduate), attractive and cute, not overweight, nice to me, similar interests and goals, not likely to have a criminal background or substance abuse problem because of his job and school record, and he did not seem aggressive. So as soon as he met that criteria I didn't think about what he could do for me, only what I could do for him and how great it would be together. If we were in a relationship all he would have to do is maintain what he already has and keep doing what he has been doing (I would do the same). He would not need to go back to school or find another job (unless he wanted to) because he was already stable and maximizing his potential. I would not have to "raise him" or support him to overcome his bad habits or lack of success. He was already great the way he was and he was on my level. I respected him and his achievements and I would trust his judgement. I wouldn't mind following him most of the time because we like the same things, have similar values, and he had a history of making good choices.

This supports what I and many other women have been saying. We want someone on our level because then we don't have to worry about their judgement, whether the bills will get paid (we will also contribute), or whether he will "turn out okay". We can relax and just focus on doing nice things for him and enjoying our time together. I would want to do special things to keep him interested, to make him happy, and because it could be fun being the best girlfriend/wife ever. I imagined him bragging to his friends about what a great girlfriend/wife I was and feeling fantastic when he was appreciative. As long as he did what a nice guy and husband would normally do I wouldn't be thinking about what I could get out of him or what he was doing for me. Does anyone worry about someone who has their life together and isn't causing anyone pain or trouble? No. Of course there would likely be some disagreements but I would remember all of his good qualities and not want to ruin the relationship over anything small. Of course if he started being mean to me or cheated on me (changing his behaviour) that would change my behaviour and I would not want to do nice things to him or even be with him.

So do you see? If a man is successful and a well rounded "good man" then a woman will be happy and will do nice things for him without asking for much in return (other than continuing to do what he was already doing, including being nice, appreciative, respectful etc.). She won't feel the need to change him. The woman would do special things because of love alone. When a woman says a man is not on her level then that man needs to find someone on his level and STOP shaming the woman into dating him (totally unattractive and degrading). Otherwise this happy situation will never occur. She will always see him as lacking and needing to change which is emasculating. She will start wanting him to do extra things to please her to make up for the deficits. That is when she might start nagging and criticizing. Men should want women who are proud of them and who trust their judgement. Why are they trying to be with women who are telling them the exact opposite?

P.S. I won't be having a relationship with the guy because he was too young lol. I'll just have to find an older guy with similar qualities and yes they are out there :)

Femininity Blogs and Sex and the City

Well I have been blogging up a storm because I have had so many thoughts running through my mind recently. I'm always just reading something online, minding my own business, when an idea is triggered and I just have to write it all down! In the process of writing down my own ideas, I do Google searches for related information. After I read that information that further alters my ideas, I go back and edit, or I add more. Sometimes that even inspires another blog post. Oh and reading comments on this blog or other blogs do that too. Articles, news events, videos...they all trigger this writing storm.

Now I am also realizing that there are blogs out there that are similar to mine and about this interest in modern/traditional femininity that I didn't know about I want to read them. I need to get back to learning more about feminine things. One blog I need to read thoroughly is The Proper Lady. It will take me a while because it looks like there is a lot of information there for sure. I also need to follow links more so that I know about all these sites so I can keep up with their posts and add them to the blog roll. It's so funny that I have been a woman for a at least a decade but I barely knew anything about being one lol! I also have to visit the blogs of people who follow me and start writing more comments on blogs (I apologize if it seemed rude that I was not visiting you).

On to the next subject. I saw a photo of Sex and the City on a blog and it reminded me about how much I've changed and the things I've learned. Five years ago I thought that men would prefer Samantha over the other women and I was shocked when a survey revealed they preferred Charlotte! I thought they would like Samantha because she was so sexually adventurous. I would have been less surprised if they picked Carrie because she was feminine but not as wild as Samantha. I looked at Charlotte and thought she was too old fashioned, boring, girly girl, and conservative and did not understand why a man would prefer her. Now I completely understand. Men don't want to marry or have a real relationship with a promiscuous woman. They want someone respectable in conduct and appearance. Carrie was also quite promiscuous (I'm not interested in promiscuous men either for the record). There was this strong feminist attitude that it was empowering to have sex with many partners and an anything goes attitude about sex that I actually think is detrimental to women. The basic premise of the show was that you have to date and sleep around a lot to find Mr. Right. Five to ten partners might help you figure out what you like in bed but is 60 necessary??? I think Miranda had around that number or even higher. Is it empowering to have multiple abortions or STDs???

The show was often applauded for it's fashion. Carrie and Samantha dressed in a very sexy manner and Charlotte did not. She was very feminine, respectable, and actually had an upper class look. Miranda did not dress in a sexy manner either but something about her was quite masculine and that may have turned men off too. I don't remember her wardrobe so it must have been pretty boring. I was never a fan of Carrie's wardrobe because it was just too odd for me. She would often wear weird high fashion clothes that I have never liked. I know sometimes she wore more "normal" women's clothes, but it was the weird stuff that got all the attention in the media (e.g., that hat she wore with her wedding dress in the movie was hideous!!!). So I think I preferred Samantha's wardrobe at the time because it wasn't as weird as Carrie's but not as old fashioned as Charlotte's. Well, things have changed and now I prefer Charlotte's wardrobe and the way she acted. I think one reason I didn't like her was because she made weird faces sometimes lol :)






Unlike many women, I could rarely relate to the women on Sex and the City because I was an intellectual "give back to the community" type and they were not. They were socialites and probably popular in school but I was a nerd. They also had sex way too quickly with way too many men.  I think that there were some things about the show that bothered me. For instance, Miranda was a lawyer and she went for a bar tender who is not on her level in terms of educational or career achievement. Charlotte went for a man who was not on her level physically reinforcing the idea that women shouldn't care about men's looks yet we have to look attractive for them. Carrie kept going back to a man who hurt her over and over like a dependent woman with no self-respect. Last of all Samantha was totally obsessed with sex and chose to never settle down sending the message that women can be fulfilled by casual sex, friends, and their careers alone. It's harsh but those were things that annoyed me about the show. I guess it's good for drama, controversy, and water cooler talk though. I also thought that Big was a jerk and I would have left him and never looked back. That guy Charlotte was with was gross and Miranda's husband didn't do anything for me either. For a show meant for women I'm not sure why they couldn't give us more eye candy! Well that Smith guy was hot but that relationship was not what I would want anyway because they didn't want to get married. A lot of the time they chose guys who I would never go for as an adult woman (I made some poor choices in my earlier years but my standards are much higher now). Also, they were all White and had no visible minority friends. I usually boycott such shows (e.g., Friends). I did for a while but I watched it in syndication because it was always on!

The way Carrie spent so much money on shoes was really disgusting to me. I am not that materialistic, I don't care about designer clothes, and I won't fall for their money-sucking racket. Every season designers decide what's in and what's out and there is pressure on women to abandon their old clothes (even if they are just a few months old) and buy new things instead of using their money for more important things (e.g., education, buying property, investments etc.). Then the designers (mostly men) and fashion magazines show their weird high fashion, androgynous, or odd clothes on the runway and in magazines being worn by emaciated models that straight men do not find attractive (this makes some women starve themselves to look like these models). Women feel pressure to wear this clothing that is often unfeminine and unflattering (e.g., Lady Gaga is a mess). They also give this clothing away to rich celebrities for free who are photographed wearing the clothes that the poor masses are pressured to purchase at full price. Every season the cycle repeats and I am not falling for that racket! I am a die-hard thrift shopper and I don't care about what's in or what's out anymore. So in many ways I am not a Sex and the City woman...but I'd love to dress like Charlotte ;)

The Feminist Law

I think women tend to take for granted (okay, I take for granted) the ways that "feminist laws"  have been created that protect my interests and my quality of life. I'm not talking about laws regarding sex/gender discrimination, rape, stalking, marriage, children etc. that are written in books and enforced by the police or lawyers. I'm talking about the laws that women and men have been indoctrinated to follow and enforce themselves.

I have taken many classes where there were only one or two men in a room full of women. If one of those men said something sexist or something that ignored the contributions of women they were swiftly corrected by the feminist police in the room (including the professor). They were enforcing the feminist law that sexism is "illegal" and efforts must be made to include their contributions in discussions or publications about science, art, technology and almost everything else. This law is written in codes of ethics, workplace policies, and school codes of conduct. It is also displayed in films, television, and advertising so that we are socialized to know these laws (there is plenty of sexism but also many messages that sexism is wrong. Sexist advertising is criticized and boycotted not anti-sexism messages right?). In many cases failing to uphold these laws would not be criminal offenses. But any violations could lead to private or public criticism and shaming, possibly the loss of a job, or suspension or expulsion from schools. There was a time when these feminist laws did not exist! These laws are pervasive and now anyone who wants to get along well at school, the workplace, or with any woman has to know and follow these laws or risk being shamed or punished.

So not only are there unspoken rules that a man can't hit a girl and women must be protected, there are these new rules that women must be included and sexism is wrong. Feminists are responsible for the new rules! A professor can not stand in front of a class and state "Some female scientists have contributed to this research, but we all know their findings must be invalid, so let's ignore that" but now men know better and would expect to have complaints filed about that (which could actually lead to a reprimand). Any man who says publicly (or to his wife) "women belong in the kitchen" risks being shamed by women, some men, and his wife for being sexist. This did not happen in the past. The "law" is on women's side.

These feminist laws fall under the spectrum of political correctness (PC) and some people just hate being PC but they do it to avoid the criticism, shaming, and possible negative consequences that could come from not following these laws. Prior to the PC "laws" people could be as sexist or racist as they wanted. Women and racial minorities were totally unprotected but now we can have the expectation (there are exceptions of course) that most people will follow these laws, feel ashamed if they are caught violating these laws, or someone will come to their defense if these laws are violated. Due to these laws the most privileged members of society, White men, feel like they are not free to do or say whatever they want anymore. They feel like they are being are the ones being racially profiled, followed around by the feminist police, and being unfairly arrested, judged, and punished. Of course this is a new thing for them and while some understand that these laws protect those who were totally unprotected in the past, other men are furious about it. These are the men who claim being sexist or racist is part of their freedom of speech and rebuke any laws enforced to stop hate speech. They claim that being PC makes things boring, unfunny, and too serious. They want to be able to call anyone the n-word or any woman a b**** with impunity. I'm glad that they can't do that anymore without the feminist and racial police knocking down their doors.

So once again, although I disagree with some of the things feminists do and say today, I am glad that these feminist PC laws exist. They make my life easier. I feel protected. I have taken this for granted and many of us probably have. One might point out that the feminist law is not applied equally to all women and that the feminist police consistently ignore "PC crimes" or real crimes against Black women. I agree this is definitely the case. That is the reason why women like myself are unwilling to call ourselves feminists. Why take on the burden of that label when the group doesn't even help us? Now let me ask you this, if feminists suddenly started fighting just as hard for transgressions against Black women as they do for those against White women would you change your mind about them? Would you be more likely to support their cause? If the answer is "yes" then what you are saying is that you actually believe in their cause, but you are boycotting them until they give you service! I totally understand the "don't buy where you can't work" mentality and I constantly (even without realizing it sometimes) boycott groups, stores, organizations, and even people who don't include Black women or Black people (I am actually suspicious and less likely to want to be friends with a person who doesn't have any racial minority friends...I just realized I do that!!! I also do that when I date interracially. I may still give them a chance but I am less confident that our relationship will work out because I suspect they are closet racists. Wow!).

So, we (that includes me) must not confuse disliking a group because we disagree with their goals and actually agreeing with their goals but boycotting them until those goals include helping you. I'm still boycotting them but I love the laws they have created. I benefit from them. If you are a Black women who goes to a predominantly White school or works in a predominantly White company/organization/institution then you benefit from the feminist laws enforced by the feminist police. We can't deny that privilege and expect others to recognize theirs. Of course if you don't live in those situations and are never protected by feminist laws then I don't blame you for being mad as hell!

Also in regards to the Men's Rights Movement, I agree with some of their points that it is unfair to pay for a child that isn't yours and that a child should go to the most stable and capable caregiver. But I am boycotting them because of the other messages they endorse that could cause me harm (and have already harmed me mentally by reading them). I will only listen to those arguments when they come from men not affiliated with that group. I don't agree with the 'look past the fact that I'm punching you in the face and just listen to what I am saying' defense. If you hurt me I no longer hear you. If you don't follow the PC laws you go straight to jail and don't collect $200 :)