Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Black Women Bashers are Pathetic Excuses for Men

I feel torn. I like the idea of being nice and kind but it's so hard to do that when men are posting hateful videos about Black women on YouTube. Go on that site and enter the search term "black women". What you will find are videos by Black men criticizing and insulting Black women and blaming them for all the problems in the Black community. You will also find videos posted by Black men and racists showing Black women acting badly with the explanation that MOST Black women act that way, this is why we are inferior to other women, and this is why they won't date us. I would guess 97% of these videos are by Black men because they tend to be flagged and removed when they are by non-Black racists.

I am not like the women in the videos, but by posting these videos and claiming that most Black women fit those stereotypes, these videos affect me. As a Black woman I feel compelled to stand up and fight to correct these unfair assaults on our image. Most of the time I find it frustrating, but yesterday I actually found it amusing! I was amused because I realized that the men posting and commenting on these videos are really the bottom of the barrel and don't have anything to offer a woman like me. An EBW is a lady, but she is not a doormat! I think sometimes I can be insulting to these men, but if they put these videos up then they are asking for an argument. I think you can tell so much about the men based on the videos and comments and these are my observations:

  1. These men are not educated. You can tell they are not because their spelling is atrocious and their grammar is pitiful. They don't even know how to capitalize the first letter of a new sentence! They also resort to swearing and insults instead of focusing on the argument. I also think many of their arguments don't make sense and they are incapable of understanding women's viewpoints. They may be victims of a poor school system, or they may not have applied themselves in school. Either way, I wouldn't want one of them.
  2. These men are not successful. These men get offended when successful women say they want a successful man. If they were actually successful then they would not be offended. These men have not achieved much and they want us to ignore that, give them our bodies, and "submit" to them just because they are men!
  3. These men are desperate for respect. They have done nothing else in their lives to deserve respect. They are desperately trying to get it based on the fact that they are men which somehow entitles them to respect. They use the Bible to justify that men should be the leaders and women were made for men, they go on and on about the roles of men and women, criticize matriarchy, and rant about feminism. A man who was successful, makes good decisions, and carries himself like a gentleman would not need these arguments because he would be respected automatically! We should respect everyone's basic rights, but the type of respect these men want can only be earned. They have not earned this respect and that hurts their egos.
  4. These men can not get the women they want. These men complain that Black women don't want a good man and only want thugs. They claim that they are good men and there are plenty of them around. That tells me that they think they are good catches but the women they want obviously don't and they are rejecting them. In fact, these women are rejecting them harshly with a lot of attitude which has been a blow to the men's egos. The only way they can protect their self-esteem is by criticizing the women instead.
  5. The only thing these men offer is sex. These men get upset when Black women on YouTube talk about liking White or Asian men. Frequently, they say Black women are crazy for liking Asian men because Black men are supposed to be better endowed, as if that is the only thing a woman wants. When Black women talk about the positive traits of men they know of other races, Black men ignore everything (e.g., personality, respect, education, career, sensitivity, romance etc.) and focus on sex. They do this because they know they do not have the qualities these other men have so the focus on the one thing they "possibly" have over them. 
  6. These men do not hold themselves accountable for their lives. These men blame everyone for their current situation including their mothers, Black women in general, "The Man", racism, and discrimination. Yes, racism and discrimination may have a role, the economy, where one grew up, and  parents do have a role, but what are they going to do about that? They take NO responsibility for the choices they have made. The finger is always pointed elsewhere so they don't see any need to change themselves and spend their time lecturing about women needing to change. Men like this will not improve their circumstances because they do not realize that it is extremely difficult to change other people and it is easier to change yourself.
  7. These men's standards are too high. Black women bashers are unrealistic about the women they want. Why would a middle class, successful woman want a poor man who goes from job to job with no security? Why would someone with an education want someone without one? Why would she want someone with a criminal record? According to these men they are attractive and good men (I don't know what criteria they are using) and that should be all a woman should look for. If she wants anything else then she is a snob, a golddigger, or a mammy for "The Man". They ignore the much researched notion that women want security, stability, and someone who can provide her their children. Looking good or being well endowed doesn't ensure any of that. These men complain about women with attitudes who are superficial, with children from different fathers but maybe...those women are on their level and the only ones who would want them! The men can't accept that based on their lack of achievement they can not get better women. They have to face the fact that they need to educate themselves and get better jobs if they want better women.  
  8. These men are immersed in hip hop culture. I say this because any time someone blames the hip hop culture for the misogyny, materialism, aggression, and criminality of Black men they take offence and try to justify the music and it's messages. They do not see their misogyny or double standards or any harm the music could cause. They equate being Black with liking hip hop and do not pursue any other cultural genres. These men want to be rappers or ball players no matter how unlikely it is to to become a professional in these areas. They waste their time trying to achieve that dream instead of focusing on school or other creative ideas. I would advise EBWs to stay away for men who areTOO interested in hip hop.
  9. These men just hate Black women and nothing will change that. There are some Black men posting videos who have never liked Black women, or they have decided they don't want to date them again. These men are not providing constructive criticism to help Black women so that maybe they can date again. These men just want to spread their hate. Their video are no better that those posted by racists. They do not care about improving the Black community or fostering Black love. These videos should be flagged and removed.
The next time you are on YouTube and you see one of these video, think about this post and who is behind the video. They are not helping the Black community, they are the LEAST capable of doing so, and they don't have anything to offer an EBW.


  1. I don't know if you realize it but you're doing the exact same thing as these men in that post.

  2. I disagree. This post is directed towards a small group of Black men who are posting (in my opinion) racist videos on YOuTube. They attack All or MOST Black women. Sometimes you have to stand up to the bully so that they will stop. It's not the exact same thing at all. I'm trying to discredit these racists.

  3. While the goal of your blog is admirable it is also very needed. Why? Because a large percentage of our black women are indeed ghetto hood rats and they are the ones getting the attention. I can't fault these men for expressing their views, and since I am not one of the women they are discussing I take no offense. Of course I would prefer for black women to be seen in a better light, a LARGE portion of us are not living up to high expectations. So while it sucks to be criticized, I have so many more things to worry about rather than the rantings of men that I would never be interested in anyway. And I do think you are doing a similar thing. I know black men who contradict all of your statements who also want nothing to do with dating black women just because of past experiences. But great job putting the spot light on those youtube assholes

  4. Hi Queen Nairobi,

    The thing about their videos is that they are probably insulting me and you but I forgot to mention that in my post. While some of their videos are criticizing the so called "ghetto hood rats", they also criticize educated women, women who work, anyone who wants women's rights, independent women, and women who consider or date interracially.

    They claim women who work are feminist devils or mammies who are ruining the Black community and need to submit to Black men instead of trying to be independent. They criticize women who want successful men calling them golddiggers or sell-outs if they date interracially. Some of them hate relaxed hair and weaves, while some of them hate natural hair and prefer White women because of it.

    Basically, if you are a Black woman there are videos on YouTube, by Black men calling you the most undesirable, ugly, and horrible women around yet they are not removed. People of other races see these videos and occasionally comment agreeing with them or actually criticizing the men for being unfair!

    I think part of my irritation is with Youtube because they are not removing these videos when they are flagged when they meet their criteria for promoting hatred against a protected group. So I flag the videos and comment on them. This is another way I protest. I am not one of those people who supports ALL freedom of speech. Hate speech should not be tolerated.

    I guess maybe my next step would be to write to YouTube but I doubt they will listen

  5. Okay, maybe you are right and I shouldn't waste my time thinking about this, but hey blogging is about writing about stuff right? Well I felt torn before I wrote it but I actually feel better now because I got if off my chest. Anyways, you may think it's the same thing but I don't get many visitors on this site anyway and I have the same freedom of speech that these men have.

    Oh and by the way (I'm not starting an argument, I'm just passionate about fighting racism, I type really fast, and I get excited when I actually have comments on this blog lol)you may know men who don't have these characteristics but are they on YouTube with channels called Boycott Black Women with literally hundreds of videos slandering Black women? This is one post and it's not going to be a regular thing, they have videos that have THOUSANDS of views and are worse than anything you would see in the media.

    Well, probably you would have to spend a lot of time on YouTube and see the videos to understand my view. There's a feeling of disappointment when you search for Black women's issues and come up with titles like Sick Black Women, Black women are insane, Black women White and Asian men don't want you, Independependent Feminist Divas are Witches that are Destroying Society, and basically endless videos like that.

    What bothers me a lot are the videos by other Black women expressing their hurt and the constant harassment they get on their videos. Because of all this and the media it seems a lot of Black women have been convinced they are undesirable and they will never get married. So, it's not just about these men, it's just being fed up with the constant criticisms of Black women. It's really having a negative effect on the self-esteem of some Black women.

    If you have the time you can check out this video by an Ethiopian woman which is the worst attack on Black women I have ever seen. I know she's a woman but the men I mentioned support this video and put up similar videos but they are not as articulate. So if this video shocks you, know that there are many more like it on Youtube.

  6. I just found your blog. While I am enjoying reading it, I have to agree with KC on this one.

    Arguing back with men will always end up bad for the woman. Show them your femininity. Words mean little compared to actions. Resisting the urge to argue back is a virtue a feminine woman will possess.

    Forget about the videos. Let people vent their frustrations. Just be work on being feminine and we can change the black community one step at a time.

    Hope this helps.

  7. Well I'm done with Black men anyways. I don't want to deal with the baggage and need for revenge. I always preferred dating interracially anyway so I'm just going to go with who I like and not deal with Black men's issues. Life is too short to deal with that. It's gotten me frustrated enough talking to these men online, why would I want to deal with that in a marriage? I'm done.

  8. Please go away Chad. I told you I am done with Black men so you are wasting your time ranting about it. You can spend your time with hatred, pointing the finger, and seeking revenge but I have better things to do.

  9. I absolutely agree!!!!!! Black women need to stick together and weed out negativity!

  10. Youtube is not the only place you'll find these Black Women Bashers. I don't know if you've ever seen the documentary, "Diary of a Tired Black Man" but while the doc was excellent, the fans...not so much. If you go to the website and click on the will fall off your seat reading the utter nonsense that's on there. Don't even bother commenting on the threads as your efforts will be completely futile (believe me I have tried!!).

    I want to say it doesn't hurt to the core when our own kind bashes each other the way we do...but it does, oh so much.

  11. These black women bashers are all over the internet, Elegance.

    YouTube is mild in comparison to,,,,, and many, MANY more.

    I don't trust black men I see in real life anymore, because there's no way to tell which of them are behind their computers spreading hate speech about black women.

    I agree with OneGirlsDream. Arguing with black men on their bashing videos is a waste of time and energy, and is unhealthy for you. All people will see is a bunch of black people fighting, and that will ruin your reputation more because you're the woman. Just focus on living well, and forget about them. They are self-destructing from the hate and bitterness that is eating them up inside. They know they'll never amount to much, so don't let them pull you down with them as they want.

  12. Hi, Elegance!

    I just found your blog, and I'm loving it!
    Well, I just had to comment on this post, because I also feel attacked by those videos.
    They also make me feel angry and depressed.
    "In spite of all our efforts to be better women, if our own men despise us to the point of attacking us like that, whom will love us?", this thought sometimes terrifies me...

    However, your post made me realize why I shouldn't feel sad about what this kind of man thinks! :)

    Perhaps directly arguing back is a waist of time, but pretending that these men aren't offending us is not going to help either.
    Your article had opened my eyes!
    Please don't be afraid of voicing your thoughts!


    PS: Please forgive my grammar mistakes, I'm still learning English and I have more years before becoming fluent:)

  13. Most of these black men on youtube are a cry out for help. They take one little experience and bias it against not one but ALL black women because they're weak minded. Yes, WEAK MINDED. They can't seem to grow up in their minds. Strong women submit to strong men PERIOD! These black men on the internet have TOO much baggage and they wonder why they are single. yes there are black women who have issues and pick the wrong black men, but that's not the whole population of black women. I know there are plenty of black men in the world who aren't insecure like these self hating black men. They resort to the internet because they can't get attention in real life. NOBODY is gonna listen to them in real life, so they form a "clique". I used to listen to their videos and read their blogs and when you mentally analyze them, you'll see that they are mentally disturbed. That's ALL IT IS. They have mental problems and biases against people. Then they hate on white and non black men that have "quality" black women. They claim most black women have self hate and are jealous of white and non black women, but what they are saying is a REFLECTION of themselves.

    You can't listen to these types of black men. They are lost and they want and desire to be like white men, hence their "dominant" and racism towards black women, yet they claim we black women are working with white men to kill them. You can't save these men, I feel sorry for ANY woman that gets into a relationship with these black men because they will end up leaving them and going FAR AWAY, they will experience drama and baggage and hatred. They are mad because they can't find a black women that THEY WANT, PERIOD! It's that simple! They claim black women are selfish, yet in the same breath, they will only care about black men being "strong", which they really aren't. I have NO sympathy for these black men. They will be quick to say a white woman or a foreign woman is better and they "know" how to treat a man, yet they get mad at black women who say white men treat them better. Like I said, you can spot their hypocrisy IMMEDIATELY. These men are SORRY and sour grapes, probably secretly desire men anyway. They want black women to feel sorry for them and they throw pity parties, when you don't agree with them, they snap and act all "dominant", this is a sign of some serious insecurity issues. They are just low self esteem NOBODIES.

    Big ups to the black men that are doing the damn thing and not worrying about what white media and white society has to say about them.

  14. Hello, I came across your blog yesterday and have been enjoying your posts greatly!

    I have to say that "The New Elegant Black Woman" is one of the most fascinating, well-written, and incisive blogs I've found concerning race/femininity/gender issues.

    The subjects you bring to light such as the unfair perception of Black women by many in society is something I have recently been learning more about and which deeply offends me as a woman of mixed African-American/Italian-American heritage.

    The vicious attacks launched upon women of African descent is a disturbing social affliction that apparently ANY individual, i.e. Black man, White man, White woman, etc. can engage in.

    I find it especially sad to see certain Black men participating in the harassment of Black ladies.

    I, myself, experienced a vicious mixture of racism and misogyny several years back when I was stalked, verbally abused, and defamed by a bigoted Caucasian man. This person slandered and name-called my family (Black mother, White father) and hurled the most vile insults about Black women against me, merely because he was angry that a white-appearing person *myself* would have pride in their African-American lineage and respect for Black people.

    What personal experience and observation has taught me is that there will always be men *and women* seeking to degrade, put down, embarrass, insult women of color but it all descends from THEIR shortcomings, THEIR personal hatreds. What women of African heritage need to do is what you're doing--challenge, discredit, and continue to prove them wrong simply by the way we live our lives. :-)

    Also, the topics you bring up regarding women of color and femininity/grace/elegance/class is so authentic and refreshing to see! Fashion, class, and femininity have been so deeply entrenched amongst the Black women of my mother's family, i.e. my grandmother, aunts, female cousins. It shocks me whenever I come across rhetoric that seemingly ignores or attempts to discredit glamour and class of the Black woman when I can only look at my family pictures and see Black women who look like queens. :)

    Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your blog. Keep up the good work!

  15. Hi Victoria Grace (great name by the way):)

    I am glad that you like my blog because I love writing it! Yes, this assault against Black women has to stop but since it is so difficult to change other people, I think the easiest and most effective thing to do is change ourselves for the better. We have to stop allowing ourselves to be treated differently from other women and we have to stop thinking that we are different from other women too! Thank you for sharing your story. I am hopeful that things will change though and I read about more and more Black women every day who want to see changes.

    Thank you for your visit and please come again :)

  16. I love your blog! Anyway, i too have seen these videos on youtube and i have to say that they are indeed vile. I live in Panama and i can see the videos from here, which is the point I'm trying to make, these men are so incredibly selfish, they know that youtube is global yet they upload these hateful videos anyway. There are women of colour all over the world who have access to the internet so naturally they too are seeing these awful black women bashing videos and a lot of them are very young women and when they see these videos they're not going to think highly of black men.
    These men are not only hurting black women, but they're also hurting themselves. Eventually a lot of black women are going to get tired of these black men and date men of other races, which i have done. I am in a very loving relationship with a white man and i'm very happy.

    I believe that black men hate black women and a lot of them also hate their children. If they love their children they will not abandon them. There is nothing we can do to make ourselves desirable to black men, they will always go for white women or anyone who is not black at the same time bashing black women to justify why they're with women of other races. What they are not saying in their videos is the fact that a lot of these women they end up with leave or divorce them because they can't deal with the baggage that these men bring into the relationship.
    I don't care if people get mad because i don't date black men anymore, i care about being happy. Also you are free to write whatever you want so keep doing what you're doing.

    I think it's pathetic really how these black women jump to these men defense, what they fail to realise is that the men they're defending still don't want them and never will.


  17. Hi Maria,

    How sad that people in Panama have seen this hatred! YouTube is international and they do not realize that they are spreading hate about thier women worldwide. At least videos from racists are flagged and removed but these one's stay up longer because they are just considered opinion. I flag them sometimes but usually I prefer not to click on them at all.

    They do not realize what they are doing. Even if they are only talking about American women, people who watch the videos might start to think the same things about ALL Black women, including their own mothers, sisters, and daughters. It makes them look like cowards and less than men too because other men don't do this. It hurts everyone. I have no empathy for them at all.

  18. Hello,

    I've been working my way through your blog. I'm very impressed and delighted by your articles.

    This article resonates with me. For years I've been feeling the weight of such hatred... it's hard walking down the street and half the people you meet look at you like they want to kill you. I've been feeling "threatened" and "claustraphobic" wondering where the friendly faces are.

    What makes it even more confusing is when I do meet someone who is warm and friendly...I just want to cling to them.

    I have met some wonderful black men but I am opening up to the idea of an interracial relationship. I want to be happy, to feel loved and appreciated and for my man to appreciate the effort I make to please and help him.

    I have had the pleasure of meeting wonderful people of all ethnicities and backgrounds. I guess part of my frustration is there seems to be more "haters" out here. Well, I am slowing learning to ignore the "haters" and focus on the positive people.

    You're one of those positive people. Thank you.

  19. Thank you so much for your comment TropicalSunbird. Those Youtube bashers are awful and they are still doing it so many months after I wrote this post.

    It's really sad that when I look for videos about commentary by Black women I have to skip over all the hate videos, not done by racists, but by Black men! These are bullies who need to be exposed. There is no trying to get along with people who are spreading hate propaganda and my writing this post is not the same as what they are doing. Bullies cause pain and I've heard of them making death threats too. It is a disgrace!

  20. Hi,

    Please DO NOT have any regrets for posting this! I'm actually very glad that you did. And YES, although these may be primarily American Black friends, their hatred continues to inform the minds of Black men in Canada as well. Although they are not worthy of a thought. Black women like yourself are helping to expose the bigotry of these types of men, and YES you do have to stand up to the bully, because that is what these cowards are. I'm so glad that so many Black women are dating men from other groups, and for the good Black men, you need to start being our advocates and speak up as well.

    Thanks EBW :-)

  21. Greetings and peace to you my sister Elegance. I applaud you for courageously bringing this pertinent subject to the center of discussion. These "black men" on youtube and all these other websites that degrade the original woman aren't men at all. They are less than men. Now this isn't me bashing my brothers I will love them to the death but I'm speaking truth. It takes more of us as conscious black women to call these brothers out on their actions. It's all about holding the black man accountable for his actions. Not to say that we as black women are faultless and don't have issues that we need to work on within our own family and communities, but it takes all of us as(black men, women) to work together in achieving an attainable goal and not point the finger, but holding people accountable for their actions and behaviors. The black male is being destroyed both physically, mentally and spiritually in society and it is very troubling . These black men that post crap about the original woman don't even respect themselves, so how can they respect us? The men that post the rubbish are disrespectful to their own mothers. So that says a lot about their character. Peace to you my sister keep speaking out about this issue because I know that I will. It takes us as black women to come together on a positive note and take action in rebuilding our nation.

  22. I am new to your blog and I look around and I really like it. I am 18 going on 19 and just graduated from high school three months ago. My self esteem had been low because of these men and White females bullying me in the past. I am trying to build up my self esteem and visiting your blog has helped me do so as well as cutting out any negativity.

    Honestly I refuse to date African American male. I have had way too many negative experiences with them to actually want to date one ever. I prefer non Black men over them because non Black men give me more respect but I do avoid racist White men though