My Issue With Slut Shaming

Please watch these two videos. The language may be hard to listen to because there is swearing in the first one, they are talking about sex, and the second video is heartbreaking and talks about rape.







So what is my commentary on slut shaming and these two videos? Some of my comments here are going to be personal and revealing but here goes...Well do you remember when schools, public service announcements, and the media were all about resisting peer pressure and media messages about sex? Remember when they were telling young people to wait to have sex until you were ready, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, and  it's better when you are in a loving relationship? Remember when people warned girls that some guys will just use them for sex so don't give it to them easily? Remember when people warned you to ignore those who said "it's okay, everyone's doing it, it's fun, it's no big deal" and just say "no" if you are uncomfortable with having sex? I wonder what happened to that.

Now, although there are still intellectuals and media campaigns about the dangers of too much sex on TV, the Internet, and advertising there is a new and different message being sent. The message is that its fine, healthy, and normal for women (and men) to have casual sex (sex without a relationship, with strangers, one night stands, friends with benefits) and that this is actually an empowered choice, very fulfilling, and it makes many women very happy. Where did this message come from? Well I think it arose from women who like to have causal sex with multiple partners trying to normalize their behaviour and stop society from making them feel bad about it. So they used arguments about sexism, misogyny, and biology to support their argument that women having casual sex with multiple partners is normal and should be accepted because they apparently enjoy it. They did this so that their lifestyle choices would be accepted. So these women fight slut shaming because it is used to make such women feel bad about their choices...their feelings get hurt when they are called "sluts".

I am more old fashioned I suppose so the warnings and messages of the past (e.g., resist peer pressure, sex is better in a loving relationship etc.) were appropriate for me. I actually wish I was stronger and had been able to resit more of the peer pressure. Let me explain. If after a few dates a guy was to invite me to his place and say "Elegance, I think you are the most amazing woman and I want us to be exclusive. Will you be my girlfriend?" I would be SO HAPPY. This is what I want and this is what I am looking for. Instead I get "let's do it, it's no big deal, you will like it" with no promise or even a discussion of a relationship. In fact I have even gotten "let's do it but I'm still dating other women". I am not happy whatsoever when I am told those things. I feel incredibly disappointed because it is not what I want or what I am looking for. But sometimes I went along with it in the hopes that after a while I would get what I wanted, to be someone's girlfriend. Unfortunately, like many women's experiences, this rarely happened and instead I ended up doing something I didn't even want to do, did not really enjoy or remember, and I never ended up getting what I wanted.

So for me, all the talk about how great sex was and how enjoyable casual sex can be was ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE for me. It was like propaganda saying casual sex was so great when it really wasn't. These pro casual sex messages made it seem as though being a girlfriend was equal to having causal sex in terms of enjoyment, pleasure, and feeling good about myself. To me they are not equivalent! I would rather have numerous boyfriends with minimal sex rather than numerous sexual experiences with minimal boyfriends. But the latter is being promoted by certain modern women as being equally satisfying. It may be to some, but I don't think that most women want this. By fighting to have causal sex be acceptable for women, women who don't enjoy or want casual sex are made to feel like prudes, like they are missing something, and something is wrong with them. Because of this, after a few dates these women consent to have sex (when they don't really want to) without the man having to make any commitment.

They have been convinced that this is the modern way of doing things and it is okay if you end up with 100 sexual partners in a lifetime. The problem with this is that most men are turned off by women who have so many sexual partners! Each time they have casual sex not only are they putting themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancies and diseases, but they are also making themselves less attractive to men who are actually interested in committing to them and these are the men they actually want! So by caving to the pro casual sex messages these women are reducing their chances of having the relationships they actually want. And it's other women who are exerting the pressure, especially feminists! Of course men do this in private because they want to have sex whenever they want but women, especially feminists, are practically doing media campaigns promoting this! Although SlutWalk was promoted as marching to protect victims to sexual assault from being blamed, to many people it appeared as though they were encouraging the acceptance of the term "slut" and behaviour associated with sluts. Being a slut is being pushed towards being the new normal for women and shows like Sex and the City contributed to this normalization.

Point #1 women have actually contributed to their objectification and being thought of as sexual objects who are open to casual sex by fighting against slut shaming. If being a slut is seen as normal then those who want to be abstinent will be seen as abnormal and passed over for easier sex. If most women give up sex easily then other women will feel pressure to have sex so that they are not passed over. The price of sex is lowered. In the past, sex required a man to pay for dates and be monogamous, now some men don't even pay for one date and they can get sex. I think I read about this on Hooking up Smart. The message of not caving to peer pressure has been replaced with a message that it is okay to have sex with anyone you want, whenever you want and relationships and sex are two different things. It's fine to have sex with multiple partners without having a personal connection or relationship and if you have a problem with this you are repressed and not accepting of you true sexual nature. In fact, there are even women proposing that is it unnatural for people to be monogamous so there is no need for marriage or relationships at all! These are some of the women behind the anti slut shaming rhetoric.

Now playing hard to get and waiting for commitment before sex is seen as unusual, strange, old fashioned, and abnormal among some people. As you can see in the second video, stating that you think the slut lifestyle is undesirable, gross, or dangerous can also be equated with blaming women for rape!!! Seriously! In the first video the woman said that she did not understand why women wanted to sleep with so many partners and that it was possibly dangerous to go home with strangers and in the second video this was interpreted as the woman blaming women for being raped! The story of the rape was horrible and sad but I do not think it is fair to link the two. I also don't agree AT ALL with women being encouraged to trust that no one will ever take advantage of them so they should throw all caution and commonsense to the wind.

Women must do whatever they can to protect themselves. Let me use an example (maybe a poor one that will get me crucified). Suppose you baked a delicious cake for your friends to eat at a public bar. You decide to leave the cake on the bar while you go call your friends. When you come back people have eaten the cake. Yes, people took a cake that was not theirs because they wanted it (not everyone did) and they did not think they would get in trouble for it. You are partially to blame because you trusted people not to eat your cake and you did not take precautions to protect it even though YOU KNOW people will be tempted to eat it. YOU KNOW people will try to eat food left out in a public place but you still DECIDED to leave it unguarded and risk having someone eat it (now if they bashed you over the head and grabbed it out of your hand you would not be to blame because that is not normal behaviour). You are all to blame but it is you who wasted your time making it, will feel taken advantage of, and your friends will all be disappointed while all the thieves are perfectly happy and blaming you for leaving it there. Now you can place your head in the sand and believe that all strangers are honorable and there to protect your interests or you can face reality that they will 98% of the time place their interests above yours. YOU have to protect yourself and your interests and stop expecting strangers to do it for you. A drunk driver is never seen as a victim because something bad happened after they got behind the wheel. When you are intoxicated you are impaired and bad things can happen so don't get intoxicated in situations where bad things can happen.

My Point #2 is, thieves/rapists are WRONG and ENTIRELY RESPONSIBLE for their crimes but you have to protect yourself from these people as best you can. RAPE VICTIMS ARE NOT SLUTS! However, people are suspicious of those who do not make efforts to protect themselves because it doesn't make sense to them that you would be so trusting. So as a result they may not believe you when you say you are a victim. I can't do anything about that other than trying to not be a victim. We all know that there are dangerous people out there and we have to protect ourselves from them because we are the ones who will suffer after they hurt us.

UPDATE: I just had to add this VIDEO. This is what anti slut shaming women think. This is a feminist. These are the women your daughters may be listening to. Do you like what you hear? I find it horrifying! This is a WOMAN telling other woman what she finds acceptable, I'm sure the boys love her. Also, PLEASE watch this VIDEO, it's long but very worth it. It's by a Black woman who thinks exactly the way I do about the issue :)

UPDATE #2: Apparently Jenna and her boyfriend have broken up and now her video is making sense. I'm guessing that he cheated with some promiscuous woman and that was the cause of the breakup. So naturally, after being hurt by "a slut" Jenna made a video about how she doesn't understand similar women. Some people actually guessed that this was what happened because her video was different from the one's she usually makes. It is notable though that many of the women doing videos in support of promiscuity said that sleeping with other women's boyfriends was NOT OKAY and this may be what actually happened. Therefore these women should understand Jenna's anger at a woman who ruined her relationship. On the other hand, maybe due to the breakup Jenna does not like the prospect of being single and having casual sex so she wanted to understand why other women seem to like it.

So now that these vloggers and bloggers know what happened will they have any empathy for Jenna and understand why she did the video? Is a woman allowed to slut-shame the home wrecker who ruined her relationship or does she have to support that woman's right to do whatever feels good?  This is the reason why people don't like sluts, because many of them sleep with taken men and if they were not around fewer men would be able to cheat. Of course the boyfriend is the more guilty one because he was in a relationship but the promiscuous woman was aiding and abetting his crime. Also she not allowed to look at someone else's lifestyle and, due to freedom of speech, say that she doesn't understand it and finds it disgusting and stupid? She has the right to her opinion and there are many sexual things people do that I think are disgusting and I have the right to say it. People are free to think whatever they want, but of course if they say something they may face negative consequences. Jenna has now learned this. But those who promote promiscuity have to deal with the consequences of their actions and what they say too!