New Role Models for the EBW List!

During my addictive searches for positive images of Black women I have found some new elegant Black women to add to the EBW list! I hope I can grow the list to about 60. I actually think that 60 women is a lot. If you were to ask people about their top 10 EBWs then there may be some overlap and the same names may be mentioned. But even though there are many more White actresses/celebrities, in terms of being classic or elegant role models, the same names may come up anyway. That is because there are so many White celebrities who come and go after their 15 minutes of fame and there are only so many who have a lasting presence. But with  Black celebrities, there are less women so they actually have longevity, they continue working,  and everyone knows them. I don't think it would be meaningful or maybe possible to have 100 or more favorite role models and 10-20 will suffice for most people. So I don't have a problem with there being fewer Black actresses because the roles, money, and fame will be shared within that small group instead of with thousands of others who may have little talent.

One thing I must mention is that I place women on the list based on the way they carry themselves in public, the way they dress, and some of their film/television roles (look out for my future post about YouTube natural hair and make-up EBWs). They are not perfect and may have been involved in scandals I don't know about and this may just be their public persona (we all have our public and private personas). But we must recognize that celebrities live in a different world from the rest of us and please keep these things in mind:

• For instance, appearing in risque photos can get us fired and shunned by the people we know but this can build a celebrity career. Many women on my list have posed in men's magazines and nude on screen but of course I would not recommend that for an EBW. 
• Also, in celebrity circles there may be excessive alcohol and drug use that is not healthy or becoming of an EBW. 
• Celebrity photos are airbrushed and digitally altered to make them look better than the rest of us and even themselves and they wear camera-ready make-up that is too heavy for everyday wear. 
• Last but not least, celebrities are held to a higher if not impossible standard of beauty so they may use harmful weight loss methods, keep an unhealthy weight, and use cosmetic procedures to enhance their looks. 

With this in mind, these are the new EBW that I will add to the list. More photos can be found on the EBW Tumblr:

Jennifer Hudson is famous for not winning
American Idol, yet still becoming a successful
singer and actress, and winning an Oscar
for her role in Dreamgirls. She is also a great
inspiration for women who want to lose
weight. I like many of the things she wears
and she seems to be one of the"nice girls".

Lynn Whitfield is famous for her role
playing Josephine Baker in the film
The Josephine Baker Story and
Eve's Bayou. In her other film roles
she tends to play a classy, well-dressed,
poised lady who often has dark secrets. 

Tatyana Ali was loved for her role as Ashley on The
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You can watch her on her
current show Love That Girl! (I don't know if it's a
good show). Tatyana always appears sweet and
smiling like a "nice girl".

Jurnee Smollett was a child actress on sitcoms and in 

the film Eve's Bayou. She revitalized her career in 

The Great Debaters and was on the show Friday

Night Lights (I think I will watch it now). She has the

biggest smile ever and appears so happy in photos. 

Another "nice girl".

Gugu Mbatha-Raw is a darling and

adorable actress who starred on 

Undercovers and is currently starring

on Touch. She often dresses in the 

cutesy-pie style I love :)

Angelique Noire, The Pinup Noire...I am in love with this

woman! She is a pinup model and everything she

wears is what I want to wear. She has a delightful smile

and has perfectly captured the sweet, lighthearted, 

playful, innocent, sensuous image of the classic pinup model.

I hope that she becomes super famous! Look out for her

in my upcoming post about the pinup style for Black 

women part II. Here is her website link and Tumblr site. 

Freema Agyeman is a UK actress who has starred
on Dr. Who (maybe I will watch it) and Law and
Order UK (just started watching). On Law and
Order UK she appears professional,
intelligent, and classy. I hope to see more of her. 

Megalyn Echikunwoke is just
gorgeous! She is actually
descended from Nigerian Igbo royalty.
I loved her on the 4400 (great show)
and she appeared as President
Palmer's daughter on 24. She is
currently starring on the show
House of Lies. 

Keisha Knight Pulliam played the adorable
Rudy Huxtable on the Cosby show. She is
all grown up looking beautiful and dressing
fabulously! She can be seen in the film Beauty
Shop and others. I like a lot of the things she
wears and I have a top that looks just like
 this dress.

Response to The Tyranny of Stylishness Part II

Continued from Part 1...
The other point that stuck out for me was the one about conformity:

"In covering our bodies — a very personal thing — women shouldn’t have to conform, cover our eccentricities and ethnicities, and act like ladies — unless we want to. The style advanced by “WNTW” is about rules and homogeneity."

For me, my clothes are not a very personal thing. My identity and my clothing are not so tightly linked the way they are with others. Basically I choose things that I like, look good, and will make the impression I want and if none of those conditions are met I don't buy. OMG it's so clear now...unlike other people who want to appear rebellious, make a statement against the norm, and view their wardrobe as a form of protest I want to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! I want my wardrobe to say to the world to the world "I am not angry, I am happy, I am feminine like other women, I am not a trouble maker, I am upper-middle class, I try to look good, I am easy to get along with, I am educated, I am professional, you can bring me home to mom, I am not from the hood, I fit the norm! Well I guess you could say my wardrobe is a protest against looking bad and the sort of "I don't care" impression I get with androgynous, boring styles lol!

Robin Givens from the movie Boomerang. One of my
favorite movies. I wanted to be "That Woman", the one
who women want to be and men want to be with. People hate
her but she is successful, has everything she needs/wants.
You know she looks good!

I am doing things that history and society says will earn rewards and avoid punishment from the important people with power over my happiness. If the rewards turn to punishments from the people who matter then I would have no problem changing! However for some groups (e.g., Black people) popular wardrobe choices may only bring rewards from the people they interact with (e.g., friends) and others who don't matter (e.g., criminal rappers who don't know or care about you, men you don't want) and punishment from those in power who are quick to punish (e.g., parents, teachers, police, employers who will refuse to hire you). Remember I am just talking about the way you present yourself not about speaking your mind about injustices...actually if you fit the norm then people will be more likely to listen to you and take you seriously, so you would be more effective in creating social change. 


I know some people will automatically have a problem with this because they view "conformity" as a bad word and always wrong yet they do it every day in many ways. It seems like it is promoted from AAs that Black people should always be angry and protesting and if you are not then you are part of the problem (the fallacy of false dichotomy). Isn't it so true though, people say being White is acting like the norm so acting Black must be going against the norm. In their minds following any norm (even though it brings rewards and avoids punishment and may actually be beneficial) is acting White and therefore off limits to Black people. Hmm...it's the norm to follow the law so Black people should break it. It's the norm to go to school so Black people should not. It's the norm to get married then have kids so Black people should not. That's being Black and keeping it real right? Sigh...this is so insanely self-destructive it's like some Black people have chosen to screw themselves over while this so-called oppressor can sit back and laugh. Why not try to beat them at their own game instead of purposely accepting the defeated position?


I think that parents and school sent the conflicting message that conforming to peer pressure was bad (e.g., if everyone jumped off a bridge would you, don't smoke/do drugs/have sex/ just because your friends do etc.) but there is pressure to follow the rules, be good, go to school, and get along with others. There is also the encouragement of free thinking, being creative, and not being afraid to be different. But I think what was missing was talking about the benefits of conforming when it is beneficial because people do that all the time! It's common sense most of the time to do what is normal or doing what normally brings rewards and avoids punishment in society. 


That's the whole point of role models! You look at their accomplishments, learn what they did to succeed, and try the same things so that you can be successful. Most of the time they did positive and socially approved things like working hard at school and showing good character traits (e.g., determination, optimism, creativity, resourcefulness), and they chose something that tends to bring rewards in society (e.g., high status job, heroic job, star status etc.). There are also negative "role models" who are held up as cautionary tales or examples of what people shouldn't do. For example, those "stupid criminal" stories, stories about people falling from grace, and tales of people we know who ruined their lives and never lived up to their potential. The downfall of many of these people was doing something against the norm that had the risk of severe punishments (e.g., death or imprisonment not just losing money or failing). I want to be looked at as a positive role model who succeeded and did not cheat, steal, or lie to get to the top. Will you be looked at as someone who succeeded, tried their best, and did so in a respectable way or will you be a cautionary tale about wasted potential and making bad choices?

Response to The Tyranny of Stylishness Part 1

I just read an interesting post on Clutch called The Tyranny of Stylishness. It was a critique of the way that the stylists on What Not To Wear pressure women into conformity as explained in this quote:

"I admit to having a love/hate relationship with “WNTW.” I appreciate tips on finding clothes that fit well or mixing and matching patterns and colors. But there is an ethos running through the show that sticks in my craw — a push toward conformity and a certain sort of upper-middle-class, WASP, feminine style and away from individuality."

I have seen the show but I am not a fan...surprised? Well I always did like a lot of what Stacey wore and probably even more now because she does dress in a feminine, upper-middle class, feminine way but no I don't associate that with being a WASP (really annoying). I have never liked Clinton's wardrobe! It's like everything makes him seem like a total snooty, snob but I think that's because of his voice and the way he says things. He does not come off as sweet, friendly, and open (pocket squares make him look so snobby but not on other men for some reason). I do think that they come off as a couple of snooty people laughing at the poor saps who can't dress because Stacy and Clinton think they are clueless, poor, don't read high fashion magazines, or low class.  This of course may not be true and I think a lot of it is because their voices are so annoying, sometimes they make jokes and laugh at the person, and I do think that they try to give the participants a similar look.


I also DESPISE the encouragement of excessive consumerism by giving people $5000 to spend only on clothes and pushing expensive items. When the prices are revealed at the end of the shows it just makes me sick because I know I could have bought so much more (especially at thrift stores). It also breaks my heart when women end up crying when all of their clothes are thrown away, when they are forced to cut their hair, or when natural hair is relaxed or made straight. I mean can't they keep some of their favorite items? Once they change their look maybe they will throw them away on their own. Why is it necessary to permanently change someone's hair so drastically? What is wrong with allowing a woman to have long hair if she likes it? I totally don't understand this "I'm making a change in my life so I'm going to hack off all of my hair too" idea...why not just change your behaviour?

"Did you see what she was wearing?"

Anyways, I made this post because YES I realize that some people think of my blog in the same way, pressuring women to change their style! If you watch the two videos the stylists wanted the participants to dress in a more feminine manner and I felt the same way about their clothes. But this is a blog and I don't go up to people in real life telling them they look bad or throwing away their clothes. But fashion dos and don'ts and best and worst dressed articles/shows are not new and people are always evaluating fashion. You are taking this too personally (I can understand because I have felt hurt in the same way when reading articles criticizing ultra feminine styles). Many Black women like what I like and already dress in this way even though it seems so different to you. Plus I don't have the power to make anyone do anything. People have to see the value of it and choose it for themselves. 


I actually love make-over shows but prefer it when the individual WANTS to change because they don't like the way they look, it's bringing them negative consequences, or it's not getting them what they want. These are the reasons why I have changed my style numerous times and don't miss my old looks. Some people admit they dress in a certain way to hide because they have low-self esteem or don't like their bodies, so they did not choose clothing just because they liked it. Others were tired of being criticized and since they were not that attached to their style, they did not mind changing. Then there are also others who change because they want to give off a different look that either fits with their changed status or make a more desirable impression. So maybe ask yourself "do you really like your style or are you just wearing things because you feel you have to, have limited options because of your size or finances, or just don't know what to wear to make the impression you want? Is your style giving off the impression you want at this point in your life and is it benefiting you? Why are you so attached to your style, aren't you more than your clothes? 


Read Part 2

What I Look For In Positive Images of Black Women

When you were younger did you collect images from magazines of clothing, hairstyles, make-up, and items you liked? Did you put them up on your walls or mirrors and use them to inspire your wardrobe and look? Well I did :) But now, due to the Internet, I just collect images online and post them to my EBW Tumblr site! I don't even buy magazines anymore because I can find them instantly online instead of spending money and possibly not finding a single good image! The purpose is for inspiration. 

Four years ago I started collecting photos for natural hair inspiration. I still have all of those photos in my computer. By collecting and looking at the photos, websites, and YouTube videos I went from being unsure about natural hair, to liking it, going natural, and to where I am today LOVING my beautiful hair. I love natural hair so much I find straight hair boring, I never want to straighten my hair, and every time I see big natural hair I have a hair-gasm lol! Seeing something different over and over habituates the individual so that an initial negative response can gradually change to a neutral or even positive one! This is what happens with so many trends or whenever you try a new thing that is initially scary or difficult. I think Black women need to do this with positive and highly feminine images so that those images appear normal, beautiful, and appropriate ways for Black women to appear in the media and in our everyday lives. Use your available resources to make your life better and achieve your goals!

The images I collect now help me to figure out the fashion look I want, coordinate outfits, choose accessories, figure out what colours would look good with my skin, and what items I should look for when thrift shopping. As you know, the fashion look I want is ultra feminine but acceptable for someone in their late 20s to 30s. These photos help me to achieve my goal of having a feminine, sensuous, elegant, and flattering wardrobe.


Furthermore, collecting these photos helps me to achieve my goal of becoming an EBW and presenting the best image I can to the world (including the most flattering poses for photos). I am very selective and only choose images where they women are smiling, looking happy, serene, hopeful, or neutral and never any images where the woman looks libidinous, vulgar, angry, or sad (I don't want to appear oversexed, miserable, downtrodden, or angry). The women all look either friendly, approachable, soft, and kind or beautiful, elegant, stylish, poised, and well-mannered, or some combination of those features. I am also on the look out for images that make Black women look like works of art but exclude any images that make them look hard, masculine, tortured, or animalistic. I have become so good at picking out images it's almost automatic and I can quickly go through my 'pass/fail' criteria when choosing or rejecting images. You may not be used to seeing images of Black women looking like this but now I can see them every day even when I look in the mirror :)


Here are some examples with descriptions of why like them (highlighted words are the key descriptors):

1b.  Janet Jackson: Happy; smiling; playful; 

having fun; carefree; lighthearted; joyful; 

feminine dress with light, flowing material;

 natural makeup; natural hair colour; pretty

face; sweet; friendly; approachable; celebrity

role model.

1a. Happy; smiling; looking hopeful (bright eyes 

looking up); delicate natural hair; feminine top;

 natural makeup; natural hair colours; pretty face; 

feminine hand posture; sweet; friendly;

 approachable.

2b. She looks unsure, fragile, vulnerable, 

delicate; and in need of protection; 

natural hair; pretty face; natural makeup;

 natural hair colour; feminine hand

 posture; sweet; cute; big adorable

eyes; approachable.

2a. Jada Pinkett-Smith: She looks small,

fragile, delicate, cute, and in need of 

protection; feminine dress; shows a traditional

 male/ female dynamic; married couple; caring,

 love, affection; feminine body posture; 

celebrity role model.

3a) Saana Lathan, Regina Hall, Gabrielle

Union: Women being friends; smiling; having fun;

socializing in a classy setting; wearing pretty

dresses; reminds me about practicing good 

manners; be a good friend; good posture; women

being warm, caring, pleasant; beautiful women;

slim physiques; natural makeup and hair colours; 

sweet; friendly; approachable; female bond; 

celebrity role 

models.

3b) Saana Lathan and Zoe Saldana:

Women being friends; smiling; socializing 

in a classy setting; wearing pretty dresses; 

good posture; women being warm 

pleasant; beautiful women; slim physiques;

natural makeup and hair colours; sweet;

friendly; approachable; female bond; 

celebrity role

 models.

4b) Zoe Saldana: Sexiness of the woman 

is unintentional and innocent like in vintage 

pin-up photos; looks cute, fragile, delicate, 

vulnerable; making a common feminine task

 look glamorous and beautiful; feminine top;

pretty face; sweet; soft; alluring; approachable;

celebrity role model.

4a) Tracee Ellis-Ross: Sexiness of the woman

is unintentional and innocent like 

in vintage pin-up photos; looks cute, fragile,

delicate, vulnerable; feminine top; natural hair;

pretty face; sweet; approachable; soft;

attractive and alluring; big innocent eyes;

unpretentious and laid back; celebrity role

model.

5) Megalyn Echikunwoke: beautiful,

feminine, formal dress with delicate

sheer train, light coloured material; 

elegant; sophisticated; appropriate for

the occasion; sensuous not overly sexy;

not bearing too much skin or vulgar;

BW at her most attractive; demure;

looking gorgeous in ultra feminine 

fashions; looks like a princess; 

good posture; poised; graceful;

glamorous; classic fashion; beautiful face

and hair; flattering makeup; celebrity 

role model.

6) BW looking like a beautiful work 

of art, like a sculpture; creative 

photography that highlights the unique

beauty of BW in a flattering way; natural

 hair; statuesque; beautiful; elegant; 

artistic; feminine; colour contrast;

 neutral expression; dignity.

7) Black beauty in different skin 

tones; natural makeup; beautiful 

faces; makeup options; neutral 

faces that look content and

pleasant; beautiful, smooth, even, 

healthy skin; femininity; elegance;

artistic photography; female

bond.

8) Diahann Caroll and daughter: Classic

Black beauty; historical ultra feminine

 role models; elegant dresses; bows; 

curly hair; sequins; beautiful women; poise;

 sophistication; class; femininity in adverse

 times; dignity; glamour; social climbing; 

socializing; female bond; mother and 

daughter; fine jewlery; icons; history 

of ultra feminine BW; femininity was

 the norm for BW; celebrity role model.

9a) Healthy woman; physically fit; not 

overweight; health conscious; fitness; slim;

muscle definition but still feminine; 

exercising; physical activity; benefits of 

fitness, good health, and eating well;

eat healthy; cook healthy; try a new

activity; you can wear better clothes;

it takes hard work and dedication;

it's normal to want to be slim; BW don't

have to be big. 

9b)  Ballet; feminine dance; artistic photography;

graceful; elegant; beautiful; feminine dress with

flowing material; male/female contrast; healthy 

woman; physically fit; not overweight; health

conscious; fitness; slim; muscle definition but

still feminine; exercising; physical activity; 

benefits of fitness, good health, and eating well;

eat healthy; cook healthy; try a new activity;

you can wear better clothes; it takes hard work

and dedication; it's normal to want to be slim; 

BW don't have to be big. 

10a) Fashion I can wear; appropriate for 

work; school; or dates; feminine details 

(e.g., frills, bows, lace; pastels, jewel tones); 

skirts or dresses; clothing men would never 

wear; modern; vintage; not too revealing; 

modest; sensuous; figure flattering; 

emphasizes waist; fashionable; delicate 

natural hair; smiling,  happy woman; friendly;

approachable; nice; kind; sweet; cute.

10b) Keisha Knight-Pulliam:

Fashion I can wear; appropriate for work; 

school; or dates; pencil skirt;  pin-up look; 

fashionable; feminine details; (e.g., frills,

bows, lace; pastels, jewel tones); skirts or 

dresses; clothing men would never wear; 

modern; vintage; not too revealing; modest;

sensuous; figure flattering; emphasizes waist; 

smiling,  happy woman; friendly; 

approachable; sweet; cute; celebrity role 

model.

We Don't Live in Bubbles and Other People Influence Us

I'd like you to HONESTLY answer these questions:

1. When you are planning to stay home for the day do you put on your regular going-out make-up, do your hair, and put on your work, date, or going-out clothes? 
2. If you are staying home do you dress differently if you know someone will be stopping by?
3. Do you look different at home than when you are in public?
4. When you go to work do you dress like the other people at your job or according to the dress code?
5. When you go out for the evening for a date, party, or special event do you dress up more than you usually would?
6. Do you dress in a way that is similar to your friends?
7. Have you ever worn something or changed your clothes because your partner or friend said that outfit looked great/bad on you?
8. If people tell you that you don't look good in something, after a while are you reluctant to wear it?
9. Have you ever avoided wearing something because you thought other people would not like it?
10. If people compliment something you wear are you more likely to wear it, will you keep it in your wardrobe longer, or wear it when you really want to look good?
11. Have you ever worn something because you thought other people would like it?
12. Have you ever seen someone wearing something and decided to buy something similar because you liked it?
13. Have you ever started wearing something because you read about it in a magazine?
14. Have you ever gone out to buy something because it was advertised (e.g., on sale)?
15. Have you ever followed a fashion trend?
16. Can you label your fashion style (e.g., casual, hipster, hip hop, boho chic, sporty, preppy etc.). 
17. Do you only buy women's clothes and shop at women's stores?

If you answered 'yes' to even one of these questions then you, like most other people, have at some point dressed in a certain way because of other people! You are following social conventions just like everyone else. There are social conventions (unwritten rules) about what to wear in public, at work, at school, on a date, at a party, to get attention, to scare people, to appear non-conformist, to look like you don't care about fashion, to not attract attention, to be approachable, to be attractive to men, to be stylish and fashionable, to be unique, to be feminine, to be androgynous, to be sporty, to be comfortable yet acceptable, to be thrifty and so on. You may only conform to some conventions while others conform to the rest. Other people influenced your choice of what to wear and when, and what you purchased. 

You do not always dress in a certain way just because you like it and the "I only dress for me not for other people" thing is a fallacy. In this case I would say it's a false dichotomy (black or white thinking) where you assume people either dress for themselves or for others when I think that most people, at times, actually dress for others! There is nothing new under the sun and unless you make your own clothes then someone else influenced you to wear what you have chosen to wear in public. You are wearing the clothes fashion designers have decided to make and market in a given year and you are following the crowd by buying those things. If your clothes can be labeled as a certain style then you are following the fashion rules someone else created. If you look different at home compared to when you go out then you are dressing differently because other people are around (and the weather I'll admit that). If you only shop in women's stores or buy women's clothes then once again you are following a social convention and shopping and buying only what others have designated for you. If you purchased or wore anything after seeing it on someone else, in an advertisement, or after a sale was announced then someone else (e.g., the media) prompted you to do something that you may have never done otherwise. 

Yes it makes people feel good and independent to say "I wear things ONLY because I want to not because of person A, B, or C" (e.g., men) but there are so many factors that influence us in a consumer society that it is highly unlikely that other people did not influence your decision. For instance, most fashion designers are men so if you like designer clothes you are choosing to look the way these men dictate and they sometimes design clothes that are horribly uncomfortable yet appealing to men. I would say that most fashion magazines consider men's views when choosing clothes and advertisements so men are influencing these magazines. That fashion icon you emulate may dress to attract men if it wasn't your reason. Even people who have decided to not follow trends are actually following the trend of not caring about such things. Perhaps the exceptions to the rules would be hermits who don't interact with anyone and certain mentally ill people who don't think before they put something on. I am willing to admit that I answered yes to all of the questions above because I acknowledge that I don't live in a box and other people influence me, sometimes even without my knowledge. Hopefully the questions above will help you to admit the same and not be ashamed of it.

********************************************************************************

On to my next point. I have to stop being surprised whenever someone says that their identity is only based on what they think of themselves. Part of our identity is based on what others think about us! This is called the Looking Glass Self (Wikipedia) in sociology. For example, if you think you are a well mannered person but everyone tells you and others that you are rude then which one is the truth? Both are the truth! You are an individual who thinks you are well mannered but is perceived to be rude by others. Constantly being told you are rude may eventually convince you that you are a rude person. If you don't like being a rude person then you may choose to improve your manners to change that aspect of your identity and the way others perceive you. Sometimes our self-identity and other-identity match (e.g., we think we are pretty and so does everyone else) but often they don't match (we think we are boring but others find us interesting). Sometimes the positive or negative opinions of us come as a shock because they are so different from our thoughts about ourselves (e.g., I thought I was feminine but others think I'm too hard???). 

In fact, in your interactions with other people what they think about you is THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS because all they have is their perceptions and what they think can have consequences for you! It doesn't matter if you think you are gorgeous, interesting, kind, and intelligent because if others think you are unattractive, boring, mean, or dumb then they will treat you that way. Only your behaviour can change their opinions and reasoning with them will not work. When people say "what other people think of you shouldn't matter" or "your caring what other people think means you have low self-esteem" it puzzles me because I know very well it does matter and everyone cares no matter what their self-esteem is! People...convincing yourself you don't care what others think is just your way of protecting yourself (because you actually do care but can't handle the negativity or possibility you can't live up expectations) and it is being reinforced by the "feel good" culture of today. But if it makes you happy and keeps you going it's working and don't stop and there are plenty of articles online that can teach to not care (too much) about what other people think. 

It's good to protect yourself. But please don't act like I'm crazy or messed up for facing reality! You may have convinced yourself that not dressing to attract men means you are confident, independent, and laid back but it may hide the reality that you are lazy, unmotivated, ambivalent about having a man, or you have been LUCKY enough to get men without any effort (e.g., you work/go to school with them, dated male friends, were at the right place at the right time, were introduced etc.). Please consider that other women are rarely be around men so they have to make an effort to frequent places to meet men and dress in a way to attract them! If I know what bait a fish likes I will make sure to go out, purchase, and use that bait instead of using whatever I have lying around. No one is talking about wearing something you dislike, causes pain, or bankrupts you just because someone else likes it. I like clothes that look good, feel comfortable AND are attractive to men...I get more bang for my buck!  

What others think of you is part of who you are. BUT it is not helpful to be overly influenced in a negative way by self- or other-perceptions because of course that can ruin your self-esteem (beware of the self-fulfilling prophesy). For instance, other people's opinions of you may not be based on you at all and may be based on racism, sexism, jealousy, misinterpretations or just their personal issues. But we should not keep our heads in the sand about the fact that other's opinions influence us and what they think of us may have consequences. If people are influencing us in a negative way or if they have negative opinions of us then only we can try to change that by choosing a more positive path that will create a positive impression. We have to pick and choose whether it is worth it to improve based on the negative or potential consequences or if it is even possible to improve. We must also consider the consequences of changing, for example, are you willing to steal, fight, do drugs, have sex, etc. to convince yourself and others you are cool? Are you willing to inject silicone into your body, starve yourself, or spend a fortune on cosmetics to convince yourself and others that you are beautiful? I think these would be bad choices. On the other hand, you could instead improve in healthy ways or if possible change who you associate with (e.g., find friends who think you are cool the way you are and a boyfriend who thinks you are already beautiful). There are numerous articles online about how to not care (too much) about what other people think but I think it's impossible for most people to not care at all. 

I'm done...yes I was irritated when I wrote this...

Related Articles:

Why your teenager is a failure

Psychology of self-fulfilling prophesy (GREAT, please read)

Dressing down gets the kiss off

Why dress like everyone else?

How to dress to attract a man

Attract a man, be a lady (funny but good advice)

Do women dress for men (some differing opinions)

3 reasons why women fail to attract men

Maybe I have a Sensitivity to Masculinity LOL!

I just wanted to mention I changed the layout of the EBW Tumblr site and it looks so much better and you can see all the photos by scrolling instead of turning pages. I LOVE it :) Eventually I'll probably switch to Pinterest though if it's more popular.

Too Feminine

Too Masculine

Just right!
Wait a minute, JGL kind of looks like the first guy....do I like feminine men??? Darn it those Big Bopper and Tiger Beat magazines I read (drooled on) growing up made me love pretty boys lol!!! Oh well, skinny, pretty guys need love and cuddles too :) Actually the first guy is kind of cute....I have to face it, I prefer men with a feminine side. I swear I'm straight though...seriously ;)

I think that in the past things were like this:

A. Femininity-X-----------------------------Androgyny--------------------X---------------Masculinity
          Preferred Woman                                                   Preferred Man

The preferred woman would be ultra feminine and was prevented from doing anything masculine. She was not allowed much if any independence, men ruled her life, she was their property, she was there to look pretty, have children and care for them, take care of the house, and do what men wanted. She dressed in an ultra feminine way reserved for women.

The preferred male was very masculine by not extremely so because he was a gentleman. He was intelligent, chivalrous, resourceful, and a good provider and protector for women, his family, and society. He was the leader and head of the household and everyone had to listen to him. Some of these men, especially of the upper classes, put work into their appearance and dress so that they looked good and stayed fashionable. But he dressed in a masculine way reserved for men.

Then over the past 100 years things shifted and I think in Western countries things are more like this today:


B. Femininity--------------------------------X-Androgyny-----------------------------------X-Masculinity
                                              Preferred Woman                                      Preferred Man

Basically everyone became too masculine and I think I'm allergic to that much masculinity lol! I think that in the 60s-80s women were more in the middle of the Femininity-Androgyny side and I think that was pretty good. Women worked and had rights, they still dressed in a feminine manner but not in the ultra feminine way of the past. Women wanted to be treated as equals and society began to accept and promote that. Women were still women but they were able to do more of the things men did and they did not have to look ultra feminine. But I think today it has gone so far that the preferred women in the media and to feminists would be practically androgynous. She wears women's clothing that look like men's and it's hard to tell she is a woman physically. She devalues feminine things and strives to prove she can do everything men can do and prefers what they prefer. The preferred woman is too close to androgyny and has given up all the things I love about women (e.g., softness, kindness, sweetness, dresses, skirts, bows, flowers, kittens, bunnies, smiles, cupcakes, baby ducks, and all that sissy stuff lol).

The men in the 60s-80s were still similar to the way they were in the past but they were getting used to thinking of women as equals (of course many fought against this). But then guess who came along...the tough, muscled, body builder, tough talking, rule breaking, ultra male of the film industry. This male typified by Marlon Brando, Burt Reynolds, the Marlboro Man, and eventually Arnold Swartzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and many physically dominant athletes. These were examples of masculinity on steroids (literally) and this is when bodybuilding began. At times I admit I do find these men physically attractive, but they have so many other unattractive things about them that I just don't want to have relationships with them. They are nice to look at but do they really get along with others or settle down for a quiet peaceful life? They just aren't boyfriend or husband material.

So this is what I think I like:


C. Femininity-----------X---------------------Androgyny--------------------X----------------Masculinity
        Preferred Woman                                                       Preferred Man

Yes, what I prefer is almost the same dynamic present in Example A. BUT...I want all of the gains women and men have made to remain! So I want women to keep the rights and respect they have yet still be allowed to wear dresses, bake cupcakes (if they want), and love kittens. I want men to not feel the need to be tough, ultra masculine men but instead go back to being more like chivalrous gentlemen. These gentlemen will want to have families and settle down while still having respect for women and their partners. So there will be less pressure for everyone to be masculine and masculinity will not be valued more than femininity. This level of masculinity is just enough for me :) I admit I do like some androgynous traits in men such as: long hair (lol, maybe I just like retro hair); metrosexuals in terms of personal grooming with little body hair; cute voices rather than deep ones; cute boyish faces rather than hard ultra masculine ones; guys who are younger or my age rather than older guys; thin rather than big guys; and of course guys who are sweet, nice, romantic, and sensitive. So these are things that the ultra masculine men don't have.

Many people don't have the same sensitivity I do so they are perfectly comfortable with Example B and will say anything a woman does or wears is feminine because she is a woman so basically anything goes. So they may date men who I think are way too hard or act in ways that I think are way too masculine but to others it will be perfectly "normal". I understand this. We just have a different sensitivity/preference and you may be comfortable with the status quo.

My next question would be, 'who do men prefer?' Followed by 'will the men I prefer actually prefer me?' From what I have read many men prefer very feminine women however I have just learned some (e.g., hipsters) don't seem to care and are comfortable with androgyny. I'll have to test out the second question in my real life :)


This made me think of Japanese pop stars. This is how I think things are in Japanese pop today lol!:



C. Femininity-X--------------------------------Androgyny--X----------------------------------Masculinity
               Preferred Woman                                  Preferred Man


Yes, I like my men to have a soft side but he shouldn't be wearing my make-up or looking prettier than me lol!

We Can Change Black Women's Image

Why am I blogging so much?????

Anyways, search for the term "elegant Black women" on Google images and you will see many images from my blog and Tumblr site. The images are very positive. Also if you search "Black women" on Google images most of them are very positive too! GASP...most of the women are looking feminine and actually smiling! Did Google clean up the images or is this an actual shift in the images that are being posted online?

Unfortunately, when you do a Google web search for "Black women" the first link is to that horrible article from Psychology Today that devalues our beauty. But after that it's a link to an interracial marriage blog. This is due to the popularity of the sites. The negative article was passed around and people visited the article from all over the world (sometimes repeatedly). They also wrote and did videos about the article and re-posted the link so that it went viral!

The lesson here is that website and blog owners can change the way we appear online if they refuse to post negative images and repeatedly post and share positive images. I have tried to post positive images on my blog even when I was pointing out something negative about Black women because I do not want to be responsible for spreading negative images. It will also help if popular sites write positive articles that are re-posted and shared. Then when someone Black or otherwise wants to see or read about Black women the first thing they see will not be a barrage of negative images and insults. They will also be able to see more of a balance of images and information.  This will also be so helpful and affirming to women who don't fit the stereotypical mold for Black women as portrayed in the media. Writing, taking photos, and sharing these things can help! Choosing to only view positive portrayals can actually help! 

Of course in your real life you can not only be a good role model to others (fix your own house first), let other women know what you consider positive and negative conduct (teach others), but you can also direct others to positive entertainment and media to correct their negative impressions of Black women. This is the reason why I made the list of EBWs and television shows starring Black women because people kept saying they didn't know they existed (please share this information with women you know who may need it).Your actions can shape others until things become a trend, highly popular, or viral...you do have power! 


We also have to limit how much we focus and believe in these negative postings and avoid them if we know we can't handle them. The video below is an EXCELLENT commentary on the video and you really should watch it :) This is a brilliant blogger who has debating skills like no other! I have watched many of her videos.

I'd also like to mention that I have two new women to add to the EBW list! Naomie Harris and Terry Pheto :)

Naomie Harris (British actress of Jamaican descent)

Terry Pheto (South African actress, the pink actually looks nice :)

Not really Into Hipsters....Or am I?

According to the Urban Dictionary (I'll highlight parts that are appealing and relevant to me in pink and parts I dislike in green):

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter. The greatest concentrations of hipsters can be found living in the Williamsburg, Wicker Park, and Mission District neighborhoods of major cosmopolitan centers such as New York, Chicago, and San Francisco respectively. Although "hipsterism" is really a state of mind, it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs [I only like on men]. Such styles are often associated with the work of creative stylists at urban salons, and are usually too "edgy" for the culturally-sheltered mainstream consumer. The "effortless cool" urban bohemian look of a hipster is exemplified in Urban Outfitters and American Apparel ads which cater towards the hipster demographic. Despite misconceptions based on their aesthetic tastes, hipsters tend to be well educated and often have liberal arts degrees, or degrees in maths and sciences, which also require certain creative analytical thinking abilities. Consequently many hipsters tend to have jobs in the music, art, and fashion industries. It is a myth that most hipsters are unemployed and live off of their parent's trust funds. 

Hipsters shun mainstream societal conventions that apply to dating preferences and traditional "rules" of physical attraction. It is part of the hipster central dogma not to be influenced by mainsream advertising and media, which tends to only promote ethnocentric ideals of beauty. The concepts of androgyny and feminism have influenced hipster culture, where hipster men are often as thin as the women they date. The muscular and athletic all-American male ideal is not seen as attractive by confident and culturally-empowered hipster women who instead view them as symbols of male oppression, sexism, and misogyny. Likewise, culturally-vapid sorority-type girls with fake blond hair, overly tanned skin, and "Britney Spears tube-tops" are not seen as attractive by cultured hipster males who instead see them as symbols of female insecurity, low self-esteem, and lack of cultural intelligence and independent thinking. Hipsters are also very racially open-minded, and the greatest number of interracial couples in any urban environment are typically found within the hipster subculture. 

Although hipsters are technically conformists within their own subculture, in comparison to the much larger mainstream mass, they are pioneers and leaders of the latest cultural trends and ideals. For example, the surge of jeans made to look old and worn (i.e. "distressed"), that have become prevalent at stores such as The Gap, American Eagle, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Hollister, were originally paraded by hipsters who shopped in thrift stores years before such clothing items were mass produced and sold to the mainstream consumer. The true irony here is that many of the detractors of hipster culture are in fact unknowingly following a path that hipsters have carved out years before them. This phenomena also applies to music as well, as many bands have become successful and known to mainstream audiences only because hipsters first found and listened to them as early-adopters of new culture. Once certain concepts of fashion and music have reached mainstream audiences, hipsters move on to something new and improved. 

Because of the rise of various online photo-blog and social networking sites, insights into urban hipster culture is reaching sheltered suburban audiences at an exponential rate. Cultural "norms" have been deconstructed by hipster culture as a whole. Hipsterism is often dismissed as just an image thing by some, but the culture as a whole is effecting changes in society, leading to feelings of insecurity and resentment in people who are no longer a part of the cultural ruling class. For example, a lot of anti-hipster sentiment evidently comes from culturally-clueless suburban frat boy types who feel that the more sensitive, intelligent, and culturally aware hipster ideal threatens their insecure sense of masculinity. Anti-hipster sentiment often comes from people who simply can't keep up with social change and are envious of those who can.

I said in my previous post that i might like hipsters well...After reading this description I think I would actually like them (look at all that pink!) and get along with them in terms of their thinking, non-conformity to mainstream fashion, and breaking social barriers attitudes. The definition also admits that they are actually conforming to hipster culture, I am conforming to ultra feminine images, and many are opposed to both. I have seen a lot of hipster women wearing vintage dresses that I actually like with bows, cute flats etc. and looking very girly and vintage etc.

I guess in some ways I have many things in common with this description of hipsters. I reject the mainstream image of Black women, feminism, women's fashion, and the hypersexuality of the media. I reject limitations being placed on people based on race (e.g., the way you can speak; who can be your friends, dates, marriage partners, and role models; how you can think; and what your preferences can be). I reject the mainstream telling me that I should do something and I will instead choose to do what is beneficial to me and fits with my values. I am very thrifty and frugal and prefer buying used things, vintage fashion, thrift shopping, and finding new uses for things I already have (I am pretty anti-consumerism). I reject the Eurocentric ideal of beauty and believe women of all ethnicities can be beautiful based on common things (e.g., beautiful hair no matter the texture, clear skin, beautiful smile etc. as written in my previous post). I like to interact with and learn about different cultures and ethnicities and do not limit my friendships or dating based on race. I also don't like having to define myself and want the freedom to just be me. Plus I am very educated, value education and like interacting with educated people who talk about interesting things. I would LOVE to associate with people who don't have preconceived notions of how I'm supposed to be based on my race, age, education, or profession and will just accept me as me.

It's so funny that my best friend (love you) kind of gets down on me for always buying things from thrift stores but I just find so many great things there, even from mainstream stores for such a cheap price, in great condition, sometimes not ever worn (with original labels). I started doing this as a starving student and I see no reason to stop. I HATE the pressure to buy things every season just because the fashion industry says so. I don't get on trends much and instead buy what looks feminine and good on me. Some people (online) are so vehemently against the way I dress because I am rejecting not only the mainstream fashion for women but I embrace a vintage look that rejects feminism, and a look that isn't the norm for Black women in the media. But maybe around hipsters they would actually think this is awesome!

I just looked at some photos of hipster fashion online and I like parts of them but many outfits I saw were just awful, especially on the men. I guess I think the hats are cute and the fake eyeglasses when they aren't too big, and scarves are okay in the fall and winter. I do like thrift store clothes but not when they actually look like they are from a thrift store. But I definitely and FOREVER will not like skinny jeans or when guys roll up their skinny jeans showing their ankles and wearing Oxfords or deck shoes. I guess maybe I just like that a lot of they guys are kind of skinny with floppy hair and the ones I saw on the weekend were very cute. Plus they were smiling, nice, and not intimidating. Here are some random images because I thought they were funny!

Hipster Disney princesses: There actually a lot of girly things here I like such as form fitting vests,  cute flats, long hair, bows, skirts, vintage dresses, sheer fabrics, leg warmers, strappy sandals, and pretty scarves. I personally would wear the girly things and ditch anything androgynous. See, I can appreciate some parts of the look :)

I'm cool with everything except the sleeve tattoos (or too many tattoos), skinny jeans, and lack of hygiene lol. 

Related Articles:
How to be a hipster (wow a lot of this sounds like me!)
Hipster on Wikipedia
What is a hipster (with video)

Videos:
Vintage dress heaven
Vintage dress collection (love these dresses)
Thrift store haul (this woman should be my personal shopper...seriously I love what she finds)
Top thrift store finds 2011
Professional thrift haul
How to dress modern retro (very cute)