Are Women in Competition?

Dating and self-promotion "Self promotion begins with the basic product for sale - you. If it is no good, no one will buy into it. You may be able to fool the odd one or two but that's about it. So the first step has to be to sort out your product and make sure it is as appealing as possible. Whilst I get lots of comments about how one has matured and is able to look below the surface, the surface is the first thing we encounter so it needs to be presentable." I'm definitely not the first to think about dating and marriage using business models! You should really read this article!

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I am agnostic. That means I am highly skeptical about the existence of God and I am not religious in any way. That means I do not believe that if I am a good person then someone out there will send me the good things that I want. I do not believe my praying or wishing for things will make them happen for me. I do not believe that the universe will give me what I desire. I do believe that if I want things then I have to decide to do something to make those things happen. Notice I said I have to DO SOMETHING.

The problem is that the things I want are not easy to get (at least not for me). It takes a great effort and a lot of time to have a great career. It takes a lot of effort to make and keep friends. It also takes a great effort to be in the right places to be asked out by men, to be well behaved enough to not get dumped because of one's behaviour (sometimes it just happens not due to anything the woman did), and to get along with a man in order to have a lasting relationship. In all of these cases I don't think I can just sit back and expect all of these things to happen without any effort from myself.

Furthermore, it's not as though there are enough great careers out there for everyone who wants them. That's why we compete to be the best, know the right people, and present ourselves best during interviews...we are competing with other people for the same jobs. There are only so many hours in a day for your friends to spend with you so in a way, you have to compete for their attention by making plans to see them, calling them, and staying on their radar. You should all be making an effort in this regards. But if your friend is always the one contacting you and you make no effort they may think you don't care and start spending time with other friends. Maintaining friendships takes effort or they may fade.

This brings me to the man issue. Every woman wants a good man who will love only her. They also want someone who has the qualities they want (e.g., good looking, kind, good provider, wants kids, believes in marriage, single etc.). Well I don't think there are enough perfect guys out there for every woman who wants one mainly because perfect guys don't exist and those who are close to perfect are not as common as those with major flaws. Plus, because of personality differences you might not get along with a seemingly perfect guy. On top of that in Western societies it is still the norm for men to pursue women so all a woman can do is  be present and attractive in settings where potential dates can ask her out. So a woman can make an effort to be attractive and be seen by men. In these settings men have their pick and they want the best woman they can get so THEY WILL COMPARE YOU TO OTHER WOMEN! Many even rank women before deciding to approach or date you! So no, I do not want to be in competition with other women but I am because men are comparing us. If I was the only woman on a deserted island with 5 guys then they would be competing for me and I could sit back and make no effort (or at least not repulse them all by my appearance and behaviour). But that's not my reality.

I am a realist and I accept the reality that men are the pursuers and they will compare me to other women before asking me out or becoming monogamous. This means I am in competition with the other women he could choose. So if I want that man I have to look and behave in a way that makes me more appealing than the other women. I want a man and I will do what I need to do (within reason while being ladylike) to attract and keep the one I want. In the past (and even in many places today) this endeavor used to be the most important thing in women's lives! From a young age they learned skills and were groomed to be good wives but now we look down on that! Don't kid yourself by thinking this is unfair because men are also trained from a young age to be good husbands and highly masculine. Seriously I do not understand women nowadays who don't get this! Do you live under a rock? How can you not think you are in competition with other women? Maybe it's vanity or something and you think Mr. Right will just magically appear and choose you despite letting yourself go and your nasty, argumentative attitude but whatever. I have no time for those daydreams.

I'm not going to argue with men about what they should look for in a woman, how wrong it is to rank us, or why they are wrong for being attracted to certain women. This is RIDICULOUS and USELESS behaviour that many women are serious about, especially on women's issue/feminist blogs. It really makes women look insane trying to tell men what they should want. If men are attracted to beautiful and sexually attractive women then your trying to convince them to ignore those things is not only arrogant, but useless because we have little mental control over who we find physically attractive. Plus, I'm sure if a woman is beautiful but horrible many men would give her up once they learned the truth. They have to learn if they can get along with you, they won't be sure of this just looking at you. This "he should like me only for my personality" stuff has to end. He can like you for whatever reason he wants and you can't control that! You can only dump him if you don't like his reasons. The same goes for women because we can like men for whatever reason we want. Let people like what they like instead of using rationalization, shame, guilt, or something else to convince them their preferences are wrong. That's just useless and annoying. You just have to be attractive, you can't convince someone of that, they have to see that for themselves..talk is cheap.

As usual, you can do what you want, don't compete if you don't want to :)

Related Articles:
Yes women do compete for men
The game theory of female competition
Romance is dead: reflections on today's dating scene (yes, there is research studying the ways women compete for men)."Related to this issue of competition is that many women try to determine what potential rivals are doing so that they can be unique, but not too unique as to become freakish. The majority of women I've talked to undertake considerable effort to think about their rivals, and what they will be facing in terms of competition."
Dating dish: self-promotion
Women use Facebook to compete for men

Clothing Men Prefer on Women

This post is about clothing that men love to see women wear. In a future post I will write about clothing I love to see men wearing because I have preferences and it's not just about women being appealing to men. I have no problem looking fantastic for my fantastic looking man! Of course you can wear what you want and take the chance that you will meet someone who loves your androgynous style or you may be lucky enough to see someone on a regular basis (e.g., school, work, social group etc.) so that they fall in love with your personality first. For myself, I don't want to take chances and I don't have the same luck so I'm going to put out the bait to attract men and look feminine and respectable while doing so.

I think one has to be cautious about accepting the advice of women who are opposed to other women trying to look good for men. Sometimes I know they just don't want women to get hurt with extreme diets or plastic surgery, feeling shame/sadness if they don't come close to meeting beauty ideals, wearing things that don't make them feel comfortable, or a fear that men will only like them for their looks. But some of these women may have personal issues that are different from yours, they may be very angry with some men in their lives when you haven't had the same experiences, or they may have very different life goals (e.g., not heterosexual, believe in having lots of casual sex, believe in open marriages/relationships, doesn't believe in marriage, want to raise kids alone).

It's even worse when some women advocate not to do certain things when they are the poster women for those very things (e.g., thin women telling overweight women not to lose weight, beautiful women telling less attractive women to not wear makeup, women in relationships telling single women not to do anything to attract a man, women who's parents were married saying marriage doesn't matter, women without children saying women can raise children on their own etc.). It's hard to know what's going on behind the advice especially if a person is really adamant about their views. So to be fair you should really listen to a lot of different opinions and then choose the opinions, actions, or goals that make the most sense and feel the most comfortable to you. This will take time, learning, and introspection. For me, I look to women who are in relationships/married for relationship advice or experts (e.g., relationship counselors, match makers), or even men since I want to live with one of them not another woman. Why is it more enlightened to cave to the fashion industry or trends by buying new clothes every season? I'd rather buy some classic, durable, feminine clothes that I can wear for years that also attract men.

So below are links to information from men and women about what clothing and looks men prefer on women. You can ignore all of this information if you wish :)

• 5 outfits guys secretly hope you will wear video (I ignored the parts about pants since I never wear them. I'm all for the sexy librarian look. I like simple dresses too)
• What men want women to wear
• Here is a link to some interesting commentary on a dating forum where a woman asked "why do men like women to wear dresses/skirts?" I like reading forums sometimes because they show you what a group of people, from who knows where, think about a subject and in this case it is one where men and women are seeking relationships. This is useful if you don't have the time or know enough people to ask their opinions. Notice how negative some of the women are about the topic (e.g., calling men pigs for finding women's legs attractive) and how many have gotten used to just wearing jeans and not doing much about their appearance. I like this quote, "The only good thing about pants on a woman, is seeing the shape of her butt. Otherwise, they look clunky and industrial. Now a dress... accents her curves....and flows when she moves. Poetry in motion."
• It's almost like a flirty thing. When you wear a dress sometimes men start to fantasize about you in a way they don't with women in pants. Some women may be uncomfortable with the idea of this fantasizing but I like it, and I think it's powerful to be able to attract someone's attention so easily. I just ignore the men who don't interest me and revel in the attention of the one's I like. It's interesting the way some commenters actually said the question was "silly" and that the poster should obviously know that men prefer women in dresses/skirts because they make women look more feminine, accentuate their curves, and make men fantasize, but really I think some women don't know this! Or they know this but they don't care because they are more comfortable in pants or baggy clothes for whatever reason.
• Interesting website called The Rules Revisited by a man telling women what men want. There was an interesting post called Feminine beauty is highly controllable. The article is basically saying there is a lot your can do to improve your looks if you are willing to put in the effort. 
• Just because...How to dress like the ladies of Mad Men
• Clothes guys don't want women to wear (agree)
• Things women wear that men hate
• Things men hate that women wear
• Top 10 styles women love to wear but men hate to see

We Don't Live in Bubbles and Other People Influence Us

I'd like you to HONESTLY answer these questions:

1. When you are planning to stay home for the day do you put on your regular going-out make-up, do your hair, and put on your work, date, or going-out clothes? 
2. If you are staying home do you dress differently if you know someone will be stopping by?
3. Do you look different at home than when you are in public?
4. When you go to work do you dress like the other people at your job or according to the dress code?
5. When you go out for the evening for a date, party, or special event do you dress up more than you usually would?
6. Do you dress in a way that is similar to your friends?
7. Have you ever worn something or changed your clothes because your partner or friend said that outfit looked great/bad on you?
8. If people tell you that you don't look good in something, after a while are you reluctant to wear it?
9. Have you ever avoided wearing something because you thought other people would not like it?
10. If people compliment something you wear are you more likely to wear it, will you keep it in your wardrobe longer, or wear it when you really want to look good?
11. Have you ever worn something because you thought other people would like it?
12. Have you ever seen someone wearing something and decided to buy something similar because you liked it?
13. Have you ever started wearing something because you read about it in a magazine?
14. Have you ever gone out to buy something because it was advertised (e.g., on sale)?
15. Have you ever followed a fashion trend?
16. Can you label your fashion style (e.g., casual, hipster, hip hop, boho chic, sporty, preppy etc.). 
17. Do you only buy women's clothes and shop at women's stores?

If you answered 'yes' to even one of these questions then you, like most other people, have at some point dressed in a certain way because of other people! You are following social conventions just like everyone else. There are social conventions (unwritten rules) about what to wear in public, at work, at school, on a date, at a party, to get attention, to scare people, to appear non-conformist, to look like you don't care about fashion, to not attract attention, to be approachable, to be attractive to men, to be stylish and fashionable, to be unique, to be feminine, to be androgynous, to be sporty, to be comfortable yet acceptable, to be thrifty and so on. You may only conform to some conventions while others conform to the rest. Other people influenced your choice of what to wear and when, and what you purchased. 

You do not always dress in a certain way just because you like it and the "I only dress for me not for other people" thing is a fallacy. In this case I would say it's a false dichotomy (black or white thinking) where you assume people either dress for themselves or for others when I think that most people, at times, actually dress for others! There is nothing new under the sun and unless you make your own clothes then someone else influenced you to wear what you have chosen to wear in public. You are wearing the clothes fashion designers have decided to make and market in a given year and you are following the crowd by buying those things. If your clothes can be labeled as a certain style then you are following the fashion rules someone else created. If you look different at home compared to when you go out then you are dressing differently because other people are around (and the weather I'll admit that). If you only shop in women's stores or buy women's clothes then once again you are following a social convention and shopping and buying only what others have designated for you. If you purchased or wore anything after seeing it on someone else, in an advertisement, or after a sale was announced then someone else (e.g., the media) prompted you to do something that you may have never done otherwise. 

Yes it makes people feel good and independent to say "I wear things ONLY because I want to not because of person A, B, or C" (e.g., men) but there are so many factors that influence us in a consumer society that it is highly unlikely that other people did not influence your decision. For instance, most fashion designers are men so if you like designer clothes you are choosing to look the way these men dictate and they sometimes design clothes that are horribly uncomfortable yet appealing to men. I would say that most fashion magazines consider men's views when choosing clothes and advertisements so men are influencing these magazines. That fashion icon you emulate may dress to attract men if it wasn't your reason. Even people who have decided to not follow trends are actually following the trend of not caring about such things. Perhaps the exceptions to the rules would be hermits who don't interact with anyone and certain mentally ill people who don't think before they put something on. I am willing to admit that I answered yes to all of the questions above because I acknowledge that I don't live in a box and other people influence me, sometimes even without my knowledge. Hopefully the questions above will help you to admit the same and not be ashamed of it.

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On to my next point. I have to stop being surprised whenever someone says that their identity is only based on what they think of themselves. Part of our identity is based on what others think about us! This is called the Looking Glass Self (Wikipedia) in sociology. For example, if you think you are a well mannered person but everyone tells you and others that you are rude then which one is the truth? Both are the truth! You are an individual who thinks you are well mannered but is perceived to be rude by others. Constantly being told you are rude may eventually convince you that you are a rude person. If you don't like being a rude person then you may choose to improve your manners to change that aspect of your identity and the way others perceive you. Sometimes our self-identity and other-identity match (e.g., we think we are pretty and so does everyone else) but often they don't match (we think we are boring but others find us interesting). Sometimes the positive or negative opinions of us come as a shock because they are so different from our thoughts about ourselves (e.g., I thought I was feminine but others think I'm too hard???). 

In fact, in your interactions with other people what they think about you is THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS because all they have is their perceptions and what they think can have consequences for you! It doesn't matter if you think you are gorgeous, interesting, kind, and intelligent because if others think you are unattractive, boring, mean, or dumb then they will treat you that way. Only your behaviour can change their opinions and reasoning with them will not work. When people say "what other people think of you shouldn't matter" or "your caring what other people think means you have low self-esteem" it puzzles me because I know very well it does matter and everyone cares no matter what their self-esteem is! People...convincing yourself you don't care what others think is just your way of protecting yourself (because you actually do care but can't handle the negativity or possibility you can't live up expectations) and it is being reinforced by the "feel good" culture of today. But if it makes you happy and keeps you going it's working and don't stop and there are plenty of articles online that can teach to not care (too much) about what other people think. 

It's good to protect yourself. But please don't act like I'm crazy or messed up for facing reality! You may have convinced yourself that not dressing to attract men means you are confident, independent, and laid back but it may hide the reality that you are lazy, unmotivated, ambivalent about having a man, or you have been LUCKY enough to get men without any effort (e.g., you work/go to school with them, dated male friends, were at the right place at the right time, were introduced etc.). Please consider that other women are rarely be around men so they have to make an effort to frequent places to meet men and dress in a way to attract them! If I know what bait a fish likes I will make sure to go out, purchase, and use that bait instead of using whatever I have lying around. No one is talking about wearing something you dislike, causes pain, or bankrupts you just because someone else likes it. I like clothes that look good, feel comfortable AND are attractive to men...I get more bang for my buck!  

What others think of you is part of who you are. BUT it is not helpful to be overly influenced in a negative way by self- or other-perceptions because of course that can ruin your self-esteem (beware of the self-fulfilling prophesy). For instance, other people's opinions of you may not be based on you at all and may be based on racism, sexism, jealousy, misinterpretations or just their personal issues. But we should not keep our heads in the sand about the fact that other's opinions influence us and what they think of us may have consequences. If people are influencing us in a negative way or if they have negative opinions of us then only we can try to change that by choosing a more positive path that will create a positive impression. We have to pick and choose whether it is worth it to improve based on the negative or potential consequences or if it is even possible to improve. We must also consider the consequences of changing, for example, are you willing to steal, fight, do drugs, have sex, etc. to convince yourself and others you are cool? Are you willing to inject silicone into your body, starve yourself, or spend a fortune on cosmetics to convince yourself and others that you are beautiful? I think these would be bad choices. On the other hand, you could instead improve in healthy ways or if possible change who you associate with (e.g., find friends who think you are cool the way you are and a boyfriend who thinks you are already beautiful). There are numerous articles online about how to not care (too much) about what other people think but I think it's impossible for most people to not care at all. 

I'm done...yes I was irritated when I wrote this...

Related Articles:

Why your teenager is a failure

Psychology of self-fulfilling prophesy (GREAT, please read)

Dressing down gets the kiss off

Why dress like everyone else?

How to dress to attract a man

Attract a man, be a lady (funny but good advice)

Do women dress for men (some differing opinions)

3 reasons why women fail to attract men

Prestigious Males are VERY Attractive to Me

This article at Hooking Up Smart explains my preferences in men EXACTLY! It was an excellent read. I prefer prestigious males over physically dominant ones and these men often appear like beta males! I wrote about this a bit in my previous post Alpha and Beta Males and Females. I don't need a guy to have physically dominant male characteristics (e.g., being the tallest, biggest, hairy, super-muscled, low voice etc.). I prefer prestigious males with beta male characteristics. To me a prestigious male is one who has achieved a high level of education compared to others (a minimum Bachelor's degree) and has a white collar job I admire or respect for it's benefit to society, safety, security, earning potential, independence, and prestige (e.g., engineer, professor, accountant, banker, dentist, architect, government worker, computer guy etc.) instead of macho men jobs that are often dangerous, taxing on the body, or insecure (e.g., athletes, police officers, artists, criminals of course, construction workers). I just know what I'm attracted to, which is different from some other women, and some men just can't understand it.

Basically I'm attracted to guys who look like Joseph Gordon-Levitt (in terms of style, demeanor, "nice guy vibe", okay physically too who am I kidding....) with a degree and a job at an office, where he earns a salary, and doesn't come home in pain or sweaty. A guy who keeps himself looking good, thin, and cute (somewhat metrosexual, nice hair, young looking with boyish charm, not very hairy lol). This is a guy who wouldn't mind taking care of the kids sometimes, or showing affection for me in private and public, and would actually get married. I'm not into the most "macho men". I am into the high achievers who lead other men based on their intelligence, prestige, and personal achievements not due to the fear they instill in others due to physical dominance. If a guy says he has a graduate degree and wears a tie to work that is WAY more attractive to me than if he's strong, the best at a sport, or if other men think he's cool. Swagger is not attractive to me!

So in a way I actually do like competitive men because educated men with good jobs first beat the competition by getting into university, beat them again by staying in their programs, won again by graduating with a degree and letters after their name, and finally won again by obtaining the great job! Those men are the winners to me and more attractive than men who are physically dominant because the prestigious men (as the article explained) can also be very nice, nurturing, and sweet. I don't mind if they are a bit nerdy or geeky either because I'm a bit nerdy and geeky too :)

So this preference of course comes from my valuing of higher education, middle class attainment and values, and no doubt because of all the romantic movies and television shows I have consumed over the years. I do watch many action, horror, and thriller films with cops and heroes but, although they may appear attractive, I could never imagine myself in a relationship with one of them. I also think my preference stems from my years of experience knowing guys with this look (well not as good looking of course) and demeanor in school because at advanced levels the macho, jerky guys disappear. I have just found when I meet the physically dominant guys they are disrespectful when they approach me, sometimes rude, and sometimes very critical when I have barely had any interaction with them. Of course maybe I am just cold to those guys...that's definitely a factor.

When I was younger the relationships I had with the physically dominant guys ended because of EXTREME disrespect, lies, and their putting in no effort to have a relationship. On the other hand relationships with the prestigious guys ended because of a difference in opinion, inconvenience, personality differences etc. but there was always a wish that we could have worked out, unlike with the "bad guys" who I hoped dropped off the face of the earth. Anyways, there are lots of guys who fit my preferences out there and I only need things to work out with one of them, so I don't feel the need to date every guy who comes along. A funny thing I learned recently is that location definitely matters! In some parts of my city there will be tons of jerky guys who I would rarely be interested but other areas are filled with adorable betas left and right! I will definitely be frequenting the latter area. Yeah I think I like hipsters....sigh....but NOT skinny jeans, never skinny jeans...

Related Articles:
Study finds female choice key to evolutionary shift to modern family
10 reasons to date a beta male (MUST READ)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt looking 
irresistible in adorable glasses, tie, 
and a cute sweater! I turn my
head when guys like this walk
by not jocks, guys with chains,
or guys with "swagger". Nice
guys with brains finish first with
me :)

JGL from 500 Days of Summer. I just want to 
cuddle guys in sweater vests...soooo cute! Some
 would call  this beta male attire. Some guys say he's too
 thin, not macho, a wuss etc. but this is my type definitely! 
See, he doesn't sag his pants like an ex-con, doesn't
 have a neck tattoo, and doesn't look like he wants
to fight someone for no good reason lol!

The Benefits and Drawbacks of Feminism

I'll start off by saying the equal rights for women is a good thing and I don't want things to go back to a state where women are treated as less than human. Here are the benefits of feminism and equal rights for women:

1. Women can work and support themselves. This allowed women to be independent people instead of just the property of their fathers and husbands. When someone has total power over your food, shelter, clothing, and any other needs they can become abusive. It would be hard for a woman in that situation to ever have her wishes and dreams fulfilled. This has also allowed women to support a family if their husbands died or left them. 
2. Women can achieve what they want and influence others. Women can contribute to society, make important decisions that affect others, contribute to research and technology, write things that are read by millions, express unpopular opinions, employ others, and do many other things they could not do before. They can achieve whatever they think is important and influence society in ways that were not possible in the past. Women can also vote and have a say in what happens to them and their community.
3. Women are protected from men. This is very important. Men are still physically more powerful than women and women are often the victims of abuse, rape, theft, and even murder committed by men. In the past some of these crimes were ignored (especially against Black women). But now the law is on the side of women when a man is the perpetrator. Laws were also created to protect women from discrimination so that sexism has become highly unpopular and punishable. 
4. Women are considered to be important. We were no longer seen as property and our issues became important. We became individuals with inherent importance instead of just pretty dolls who should be seen and not heard. There was more to us than just being a wife and mother and those roles were no less important than a man's roles. The achievements and contributions of women are now recognized when they were ignored and ridiculed in the past. 

But I think there are some negative consequences of feminism too. I'll start off with posting a video.

This video really made me think. Are women really treated worse than men? 

1. Men have rejected chivalry. Men (and maybe some women) have confused having equal rights with being treated exactly the same in every area of life. Being paid the same and being seen as equally human is not the same as treating a woman exactly like a man. But because of feminism some men reason that because they don't open doors for men or pay for their dinner they don't have to do that for a woman. They ignore the fact that they are trying to win the woman over so they have to be nicer! They no longer want to be the pursuer.
2. Men don't want to get married. Some men will even encourage women to have children and raise them alone because women are "so strong" and can earn their own money. They don't feel the need to be a husband because they will not have complete control over their wives. They would prefer it if marriage made a woman their property. Some men don't even want to be the main breadwinner anymore and have lost the drive to be successful. Some are fine with mooching off a woman and aspire to be house husbands. 
3. Men don't feel the need to protect women. In the past (an still today to an extent) women were regarded as being weak, fragile, and in need of protection, somewhat like children. Women did not want to be compared to children. But we had a good thing going! Men would risk their lives for us, we were protected from harm, and men would let us get into lifeboats if a ship sank. This did not happen on that Italian cruise ship where the men pushed women aside and saved themselves. Men were more willing to get hurt and die for us when they considered us to be inferior to them. They liked us being dependent on them! Who would have expected that? I have even heard men online say they would punch a woman now because we are equal to men! 
4. Everyone thinks masculine things are superior to feminine things. In the past men thought women's interests and responsibilities were unimportant, but women valued these things. Now, many women also consider traditionally feminine things to be inferior. They are rejecting useful things like cooking, sewing, and raising children and want to play football, race cars, and get tattoos. Women have taken up the stupid things that men like and look down on women who embrace the traditional. 

The points above make me reluctant to call myself a feminist because I know that there are some feminists who will read my list of drawbacks and actually call them benefits! These women reject any chivalrous act by a man, they never want to marry (and tell other women not to marry), they refuse protection from men, and reject everything feminine. They ruin things for women like me and confuse men who prefer women like me. 

So in my opinion, the feminists have won and they need to relax a little. Right now we have our cake and we can eat it too because we are regarded as equals yet somehow special and in need of protection. We can get the same jobs as men and employers have to change workplaces to accommodate us. The law punishes men for hurting us more severely than they do for hurting other men and we get less punishment for the same actions. The feminists have won! There are small battles that need to be fought and institutionalized sexism (just like racism), but things are not as dire as they were in the past. If they keep pushing then the drawbacks will become even more prevalent. I think it would be great if racism did not exist one day, but do I really want to see the day when women are treated exactly the same as men? I'd have to say no. 

Why Become an Elegant Black Woman?

This is a question I know I will be asked when people hear about this blog. People who know me will wonder why I suddenly decided to do this (I explained why here). People who don't know me will wonder why ANYONE would want to do this. In fact, I had a discussion with some work colleagues about this and one of them said acting more feminine was fake, no one should change in this way to get a man, and a man should love you just the way you are ;) I found it difficult to explain my reasoning and as you remember from this post, I did have some thoughts about whether this was trying to emulate someone else.

Fortunately I found two articles on The Feminine Woman that can help clarify that this is not about being someone fake and that there are actual benefits of becoming more elegant. You must read What is Fake Feminine? The article explains that becoming more feminine is actually allowing your natural femininity show instead of repressing it. I began repressing my femininity during childhood. Based on teachings about equality and feminism I automatically rejected certain things because they were expected of girls or boys were not encouraged to do those things. For instance, I rarely wore skirts or dresses, I scoffed at the idea of dance lessons, I looked disapprovingly at "girly girls", and I refused to learn how to cook because that's what women traditionally did! In my mind I thought that the way to succeed and be taken seriously was to avoid learning anything that was traditionally feminine and to have androgynous pursuits. I even thought that if I liked things guys did then they would like me more because I would be like one of their guy friends!

I was not intentionally "trying to be a man". I did wear women's clothes and make-up, most of the time I had long hair, and I chose a career field that is now predominated by women. I just had a negative attitude about "feminine pursuits" and thought people would use them against me somehow. What the article explains is that being more feminine is about changing my attitude about femininity and letting my innate feminine qualities show, instead of repressing them out of fear they will harm me or make me appear weak in front of others. We all act differently depending on the situation and that does not mean we are being fake. We just let some things show more or less depending on the company we are with but they are all aspects of the real you. For example we act differently with our parents, friends, boyfriends, employers, and when no one is watching.

The second article I read was Why Be Feminine? This article lists some benefits of being more feminine. Please also read Develop Poise for Beauty and Grace at Elegant Woman.org to learn about the history of poise. Although there are benefits that does not mean it's insincere manipulation to get some kind of reward. It's just a fact of life that your life may go better if you have certain characteristics (e.g., if you are not a Black women you don't have to worry about being stereotyped as angry and loud). Is it wrong to become more feminine because men prefer it? I don't think so. We learn and do so many things to be appealing to men (e.g., wearing make-up, dressing well, etc.) and as I said, this is letting your feminine side show instead of repressing it because men prefer that.

I think women like me thought men preferred someone who was more like them. I always remember learning in school that people get along with people who are similar to them, but apparently this is not the case with femininity. I believed that men thought girly things were stupid and ridiculous but they might not even realize they love it! (Side Note: Have you ever pretended to like sports, cars, or action films to get along with a guy? No need to pretend anymore!) This article really hit home for me and made me think about my aversion to cooking because it was "woman's work". Most men LOVE a woman who can cook so why not learn this skill to attract the man of your dreams? Women get plastic surgery, give their bodies away, give up their dreams, and have open relationships sometimes for men. If I can get the same results with cooking then I choose that because we all have to eat!

Here is the list of benefits:

1. You will be successful in your romantic relationship.
2. People are nicer to attractive people so you can get what you need or want (but not in a manipulative way).
3. Other people will want to protect you.
4. Femininity is rare nowadays so you will become more attractive than other women. (With the competition for good men this is so important!!!)
   
5. You will be expressing more of your true self.
6. You will understand and appreciate men more.

After reading these articles I am a peace with my decision to become an Elegant Black Woman (EBW). I'm letting my natural femininity show through and it's just lucky that people (especially men) like this!