Lessons We Can Learn From The Stepford Wives (2004)

Spoiler Alert! If you don't want to know what happens in this film or the ending please stop reading :)

After finding a photo of the Stepford Wives from the 2004 version of the movie, I decided to watch it again. In this film a powerful television executive (Nicole Kidman) was fired, her husband (Matthew Broderick) quit his job as vice president of the company, and they decided to move to Stepford. Nicole's character had short (very masculine) hair, a dominant presence, and always dressed in Black. She constantly argued with her husband and appeared angry and pushy. In Stepford she met Bette Midler's character who was a writer and she was also very pushy, loud, and a lousy housekeeper who dressed in that awful sloppy hippie style. All of the men in Stepford were rich and and went to a country club. The women were also very successful. But when the men became fed up with their wives they brought them to the club where they had computer chips placed in their brains to turn them into "perfect wives" who were gorgeous, feminine, totally obedient, and unopinionated...basically robots. Nicole and her husband devised a plan to have her pretend to be a robot so that they could destroy the computers at the club. In the end it turned out that it was actually a woman who came up with the idea for the robots because she wanted women to be cherished and loved and for men to be men again.

I'll start off by saying I do not think women need to be turned into obedient robots and men should not force women to change (or do medical procedures) against their will!!! This was a COMEDY and the femininity and gender roles were exaggerated (e.g., Glen Close's skirts were so full no one would wear them today, they were vapid, totally obedient, and lacking of personality). The original version was a horror movie with strong feminist messages about women's independence. The original had a different ending because it would be horrifying to have your loving husband remove your free will and turn you into a robot slave.

There were some interesting messages about gender roles that we can take from the film. It basically showed what men like and dislike in women (but in an exaggerated fashion). The men wanted women who were not argumentative, hard, too busy for them, masculine looking, sloppy, untidy, loud, pessimistic, unfriendly, or embarrassing in public. The men preferred women who looked feminine and pretty and were easy to get along with, and passive (totally submissive in this case). They did not seem to care about the women's careers. It was interesting to note that all of the men were low-average to below average in attractiveness but the women were all very attractive after their robot makeovers (i.e., they looked like trophy wives). Even unattractive men want beauty queens it seems! I have to admit though, I thought the women did look better after their makeovers. Except for some of the exaggerated skirts, the dresses were very pretty, their hair looked better, and they looked happier. After the makeover Nicole Kidman looked the way she does at every awards ceremony so even she prefers looking like a Stepford wife! These are some of the important messages in the movie:

• There is no need to argue over every little thing especially when it doesn't have an effect on your life. Choose your battles wisely. Be passive most of the time (don't sweat the small stuff) and assertive (not aggressive) when you need something or when you need to stand up for yourself. Men find it emasculating when they are questioned about everything they do (it would probably annoy you too to be constantly questioned). You can have an opinion, but you don't have to share your opinion on every single thing or get involved in everyone else's business.
• If you decide to become a powerful career woman then you will have to work extra hard to make sure that you spend quality (peaceful) time with your husband and family. Your work can not be your whole life. If your time with your family is as serious and anxiety-provoking as your time at work then you may lose your family.  When you step into your house it is time to be relaxed and supportive instead of competitive, punitive, or dominant the way you may need to be in some careers. In other less stressful careers it will be easier to make the work to home transition. 
• Looking more feminine can be achieved in one day. Well it will probably take some research into feminine clothing and hairstyles. But once that is done you would just need to go shopping and go to a salon (or wig shop) to get the feminine look. It's just clothes, make-up, and hair (improving posture and grace will take more time and can not be purchased). Making these changes is easy and I'm sure many of us have changed our style and hair numerous times so it isn't that serious but the rewards may be great. You can still express yourself with feminine clothing. People are likely to treat you differently (probably better) if you look feminine rather than androgynous or masculine. 
• Feminine traits can be expressed instantly by smiling more, being polite and friendly, controlling emotional expressions, and not being argumentative or snarky. We all know how to be nice but sometimes we don't feel like being nice or we don't think it is important. Many of believe we have the right to express any emotion or thought we want and everyone has to just accept our behaviour. This will eventually push people away or keep them from ever approaching you. You know your behaviour is unpleasant because I'm sure you aren't overjoyed when someone is angry or sad whenever you see them. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. It's only human to be emotional and unhappy sometimes (no one is ever happy all the time) but if you are always angry or sad then something needs to change. If you are constantly in a negative mood then you need to make some changes in your life or seek help.

Remember, it was just a comedy! Even caricatures have a grain of truth!

What's Wrong with Being a Trophy Wife?

I think the negative connotations about being a trophy wife come from the stereotype of a gorgeous, young woman (with not much else going on) being paired with an older, wealthy, unattractive man. The man has his pretty trophy and the woman has the money and lifestyle she wants so both are happy. The traditional trophy wife is a young blonde woman but nowadays it's an Asian woman (surprise, surprise, maybe Black women will be the next trophies lol). In the past, when women did not work, their worth was based on their physical appearance, lineage, and whether they would be a good wife or mother. Nowadays, some men use the same criteria while others value a woman who is educated, has a good career, can carry on a conversation, and other qualities that are based more on her inner characteristics. But for most women, the idea of being a trophy wife is insulting, degrading, and for some reason indicates they have no intelligence.

But being a trophy wife does not have to be a bad thing today (hear me out). For one, it usually means you are physically attractive. No one will ever convince me that being attractive is something women should avoid in order to be seen as equals to men. It is important for your partner to find you physically attractive! Would you actually prefer it if he thought you were just "so-so" in terms of looks? What's wrong with your man openly admitting he was first attracted to your looks and he loves the way you look? That does not mean you don't have other good qualities. I think women should also seek out men who they find physically attractive (which means the man probably won't be twice your age). There is a double standard that women are supposed to care less about the way men look and should chose them based on character alone. I'm sorry but if I meet two great guys, one looks like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the other looks like Jonah Hill, sorry but Joseph wins. I need to be physically attracted to someone in order to be physical with them. I don't want to pretend I'm with someone else and stay in my fantasy until the deed is over (as quickly as possible). Women feel awful when their men don't compliment their looks so why complain that he likes you for your looks and wants to show you off?

The feminist law has taught us that a woman is more than her looks. Everyone knows that we should be valued for our character, personality, abilities, and achievements. So unless you are totally vapid with no endearing properties you will never be merely a pretty object to show off. You would be a trophy because of what's on the outside and the inside. I don't know about you but finding out my man was bragging about me to his friends would mean more to me than a dozen roses! Men brag about trophy women because it boosts their egos to know that their woman is better than most. The quality of woman they have is a reflection of their quality as men. When a man and woman are both attractive, successful, intelligent, interesting, and well-rounded good people then aren't they both trophies? I want a trophy husband and I assure you, if he has the qualities I am looking for I will be telling everyone about how great he is and I will constantly tell him that too. As long as you love each other for more than your looks then it's a good thing. Neither of you is settling and you are both on the same level. Showing off your spouse is a compliment so just say "Thank you". You should be worried if his friends and family don't know about you and he doesn't show you off to them. That could mean you really aren't his girlfriend or he doesn't think you are good enough (i.e., not trophy material). Times have changed and there is nothing wrong with being the best woman you can be and feeling proud to be shown off on a great man's arm. I would love that!

Giving Only Because of Love

I met a guy last week and he was really amazing. After the meeting I went home and started daydreaming about how great it would be to have a relationship with this guy. I thought about all the great things we could do together and all the "traditional feminine" things I would do for him (yes I daydream A LOT). I was thinking about surprising him with cute outfits, baking cup cakes, giving massages, having him thank me for house cleaning, going out with friends, and telling him and everyone else about how great he was.

This guy met all of my "Mr. Right" criteria: has a degree (graduate), attractive and cute, not overweight, nice to me, similar interests and goals, not likely to have a criminal background or substance abuse problem because of his job and school record, and he did not seem aggressive. So as soon as he met that criteria I didn't think about what he could do for me, only what I could do for him and how great it would be together. If we were in a relationship all he would have to do is maintain what he already has and keep doing what he has been doing (I would do the same). He would not need to go back to school or find another job (unless he wanted to) because he was already stable and maximizing his potential. I would not have to "raise him" or support him to overcome his bad habits or lack of success. He was already great the way he was and he was on my level. I respected him and his achievements and I would trust his judgement. I wouldn't mind following him most of the time because we like the same things, have similar values, and he had a history of making good choices.

This supports what I and many other women have been saying. We want someone on our level because then we don't have to worry about their judgement, whether the bills will get paid (we will also contribute), or whether he will "turn out okay". We can relax and just focus on doing nice things for him and enjoying our time together. I would want to do special things to keep him interested, to make him happy, and because it could be fun being the best girlfriend/wife ever. I imagined him bragging to his friends about what a great girlfriend/wife I was and feeling fantastic when he was appreciative. As long as he did what a nice guy and husband would normally do I wouldn't be thinking about what I could get out of him or what he was doing for me. Does anyone worry about someone who has their life together and isn't causing anyone pain or trouble? No. Of course there would likely be some disagreements but I would remember all of his good qualities and not want to ruin the relationship over anything small. Of course if he started being mean to me or cheated on me (changing his behaviour) that would change my behaviour and I would not want to do nice things to him or even be with him.

So do you see? If a man is successful and a well rounded "good man" then a woman will be happy and will do nice things for him without asking for much in return (other than continuing to do what he was already doing, including being nice, appreciative, respectful etc.). She won't feel the need to change him. The woman would do special things because of love alone. When a woman says a man is not on her level then that man needs to find someone on his level and STOP shaming the woman into dating him (totally unattractive and degrading). Otherwise this happy situation will never occur. She will always see him as lacking and needing to change which is emasculating. She will start wanting him to do extra things to please her to make up for the deficits. That is when she might start nagging and criticizing. Men should want women who are proud of them and who trust their judgement. Why are they trying to be with women who are telling them the exact opposite?

P.S. I won't be having a relationship with the guy because he was too young lol. I'll just have to find an older guy with similar qualities and yes they are out there :)

Femininity Blogs and Sex and the City

Well I have been blogging up a storm because I have had so many thoughts running through my mind recently. I'm always just reading something online, minding my own business, when an idea is triggered and I just have to write it all down! In the process of writing down my own ideas, I do Google searches for related information. After I read that information that further alters my ideas, I go back and edit, or I add more. Sometimes that even inspires another blog post. Oh and reading comments on this blog or other blogs do that too. Articles, news events, videos...they all trigger this writing storm.

Now I am also realizing that there are blogs out there that are similar to mine and about this interest in modern/traditional femininity that I didn't know about I want to read them. I need to get back to learning more about feminine things. One blog I need to read thoroughly is The Proper Lady. It will take me a while because it looks like there is a lot of information there for sure. I also need to follow links more so that I know about all these sites so I can keep up with their posts and add them to the blog roll. It's so funny that I have been a woman for a at least a decade but I barely knew anything about being one lol! I also have to visit the blogs of people who follow me and start writing more comments on blogs (I apologize if it seemed rude that I was not visiting you).

On to the next subject. I saw a photo of Sex and the City on a blog and it reminded me about how much I've changed and the things I've learned. Five years ago I thought that men would prefer Samantha over the other women and I was shocked when a survey revealed they preferred Charlotte! I thought they would like Samantha because she was so sexually adventurous. I would have been less surprised if they picked Carrie because she was feminine but not as wild as Samantha. I looked at Charlotte and thought she was too old fashioned, boring, girly girl, and conservative and did not understand why a man would prefer her. Now I completely understand. Men don't want to marry or have a real relationship with a promiscuous woman. They want someone respectable in conduct and appearance. Carrie was also quite promiscuous (I'm not interested in promiscuous men either for the record). There was this strong feminist attitude that it was empowering to have sex with many partners and an anything goes attitude about sex that I actually think is detrimental to women. The basic premise of the show was that you have to date and sleep around a lot to find Mr. Right. Five to ten partners might help you figure out what you like in bed but is 60 necessary??? I think Miranda had around that number or even higher. Is it empowering to have multiple abortions or STDs???

The show was often applauded for it's fashion. Carrie and Samantha dressed in a very sexy manner and Charlotte did not. She was very feminine, respectable, and actually had an upper class look. Miranda did not dress in a sexy manner either but something about her was quite masculine and that may have turned men off too. I don't remember her wardrobe so it must have been pretty boring. I was never a fan of Carrie's wardrobe because it was just too odd for me. She would often wear weird high fashion clothes that I have never liked. I know sometimes she wore more "normal" women's clothes, but it was the weird stuff that got all the attention in the media (e.g., that hat she wore with her wedding dress in the movie was hideous!!!). So I think I preferred Samantha's wardrobe at the time because it wasn't as weird as Carrie's but not as old fashioned as Charlotte's. Well, things have changed and now I prefer Charlotte's wardrobe and the way she acted. I think one reason I didn't like her was because she made weird faces sometimes lol :)






Unlike many women, I could rarely relate to the women on Sex and the City because I was an intellectual "give back to the community" type and they were not. They were socialites and probably popular in school but I was a nerd. They also had sex way too quickly with way too many men.  I think that there were some things about the show that bothered me. For instance, Miranda was a lawyer and she went for a bar tender who is not on her level in terms of educational or career achievement. Charlotte went for a man who was not on her level physically reinforcing the idea that women shouldn't care about men's looks yet we have to look attractive for them. Carrie kept going back to a man who hurt her over and over like a dependent woman with no self-respect. Last of all Samantha was totally obsessed with sex and chose to never settle down sending the message that women can be fulfilled by casual sex, friends, and their careers alone. It's harsh but those were things that annoyed me about the show. I guess it's good for drama, controversy, and water cooler talk though. I also thought that Big was a jerk and I would have left him and never looked back. That guy Charlotte was with was gross and Miranda's husband didn't do anything for me either. For a show meant for women I'm not sure why they couldn't give us more eye candy! Well that Smith guy was hot but that relationship was not what I would want anyway because they didn't want to get married. A lot of the time they chose guys who I would never go for as an adult woman (I made some poor choices in my earlier years but my standards are much higher now). Also, they were all White and had no visible minority friends. I usually boycott such shows (e.g., Friends). I did for a while but I watched it in syndication because it was always on!

The way Carrie spent so much money on shoes was really disgusting to me. I am not that materialistic, I don't care about designer clothes, and I won't fall for their money-sucking racket. Every season designers decide what's in and what's out and there is pressure on women to abandon their old clothes (even if they are just a few months old) and buy new things instead of using their money for more important things (e.g., education, buying property, investments etc.). Then the designers (mostly men) and fashion magazines show their weird high fashion, androgynous, or odd clothes on the runway and in magazines being worn by emaciated models that straight men do not find attractive (this makes some women starve themselves to look like these models). Women feel pressure to wear this clothing that is often unfeminine and unflattering (e.g., Lady Gaga is a mess). They also give this clothing away to rich celebrities for free who are photographed wearing the clothes that the poor masses are pressured to purchase at full price. Every season the cycle repeats and I am not falling for that racket! I am a die-hard thrift shopper and I don't care about what's in or what's out anymore. So in many ways I am not a Sex and the City woman...but I'd love to dress like Charlotte ;)

The Feminist Law

I think women tend to take for granted (okay, I take for granted) the ways that "feminist laws"  have been created that protect my interests and my quality of life. I'm not talking about laws regarding sex/gender discrimination, rape, stalking, marriage, children etc. that are written in books and enforced by the police or lawyers. I'm talking about the laws that women and men have been indoctrinated to follow and enforce themselves.

I have taken many classes where there were only one or two men in a room full of women. If one of those men said something sexist or something that ignored the contributions of women they were swiftly corrected by the feminist police in the room (including the professor). They were enforcing the feminist law that sexism is "illegal" and efforts must be made to include their contributions in discussions or publications about science, art, technology and almost everything else. This law is written in codes of ethics, workplace policies, and school codes of conduct. It is also displayed in films, television, and advertising so that we are socialized to know these laws (there is plenty of sexism but also many messages that sexism is wrong. Sexist advertising is criticized and boycotted not anti-sexism messages right?). In many cases failing to uphold these laws would not be criminal offenses. But any violations could lead to private or public criticism and shaming, possibly the loss of a job, or suspension or expulsion from schools. There was a time when these feminist laws did not exist! These laws are pervasive and now anyone who wants to get along well at school, the workplace, or with any woman has to know and follow these laws or risk being shamed or punished.

So not only are there unspoken rules that a man can't hit a girl and women must be protected, there are these new rules that women must be included and sexism is wrong. Feminists are responsible for the new rules! A professor can not stand in front of a class and state "Some female scientists have contributed to this research, but we all know their findings must be invalid, so let's ignore that" but now men know better and would expect to have complaints filed about that (which could actually lead to a reprimand). Any man who says publicly (or to his wife) "women belong in the kitchen" risks being shamed by women, some men, and his wife for being sexist. This did not happen in the past. The "law" is on women's side.

These feminist laws fall under the spectrum of political correctness (PC) and some people just hate being PC but they do it to avoid the criticism, shaming, and possible negative consequences that could come from not following these laws. Prior to the PC "laws" people could be as sexist or racist as they wanted. Women and racial minorities were totally unprotected but now we can have the expectation (there are exceptions of course) that most people will follow these laws, feel ashamed if they are caught violating these laws, or someone will come to their defense if these laws are violated. Due to these laws the most privileged members of society, White men, feel like they are not free to do or say whatever they want anymore. They feel like they are being are the ones being racially profiled, followed around by the feminist police, and being unfairly arrested, judged, and punished. Of course this is a new thing for them and while some understand that these laws protect those who were totally unprotected in the past, other men are furious about it. These are the men who claim being sexist or racist is part of their freedom of speech and rebuke any laws enforced to stop hate speech. They claim that being PC makes things boring, unfunny, and too serious. They want to be able to call anyone the n-word or any woman a b**** with impunity. I'm glad that they can't do that anymore without the feminist and racial police knocking down their doors.

So once again, although I disagree with some of the things feminists do and say today, I am glad that these feminist PC laws exist. They make my life easier. I feel protected. I have taken this for granted and many of us probably have. One might point out that the feminist law is not applied equally to all women and that the feminist police consistently ignore "PC crimes" or real crimes against Black women. I agree this is definitely the case. That is the reason why women like myself are unwilling to call ourselves feminists. Why take on the burden of that label when the group doesn't even help us? Now let me ask you this, if feminists suddenly started fighting just as hard for transgressions against Black women as they do for those against White women would you change your mind about them? Would you be more likely to support their cause? If the answer is "yes" then what you are saying is that you actually believe in their cause, but you are boycotting them until they give you service! I totally understand the "don't buy where you can't work" mentality and I constantly (even without realizing it sometimes) boycott groups, stores, organizations, and even people who don't include Black women or Black people (I am actually suspicious and less likely to want to be friends with a person who doesn't have any racial minority friends...I just realized I do that!!! I also do that when I date interracially. I may still give them a chance but I am less confident that our relationship will work out because I suspect they are closet racists. Wow!).

So, we (that includes me) must not confuse disliking a group because we disagree with their goals and actually agreeing with their goals but boycotting them until those goals include helping you. I'm still boycotting them but I love the laws they have created. I benefit from them. If you are a Black women who goes to a predominantly White school or works in a predominantly White company/organization/institution then you benefit from the feminist laws enforced by the feminist police. We can't deny that privilege and expect others to recognize theirs. Of course if you don't live in those situations and are never protected by feminist laws then I don't blame you for being mad as hell!

Also in regards to the Men's Rights Movement, I agree with some of their points that it is unfair to pay for a child that isn't yours and that a child should go to the most stable and capable caregiver. But I am boycotting them because of the other messages they endorse that could cause me harm (and have already harmed me mentally by reading them). I will only listen to those arguments when they come from men not affiliated with that group. I don't agree with the 'look past the fact that I'm punching you in the face and just listen to what I am saying' defense. If you hurt me I no longer hear you. If you don't follow the PC laws you go straight to jail and don't collect $200 :)

The Feminist Police

I think in many ways feminists are like the police. Many people dislike both groups. Both groups sometimes abuse their power and are criticized for being too extreme. Sometimes they are called unnecessarily and cause situations to escalate. Sometimes they unfairly pick on particular groups. Or, they continually ignore the plight of some groups because of racism (e.g., Black women and Black people) who should be supported yet expect members from this group to have positive views of them. When members of both groups make mistakes or commit offenses they may deny or try to hide them.  As soon as you tell people you are in either group some will  be pleased but others will judge you negatively and be suspicious. You will be blamed for any of the extreme things other members of your group have said or done. But let me tell you about how I felt yesterday.

Watching videos and reading blogs of men in the Men's Rights Movement has been scary, difficult, disappointing, and numbing. If you asked me last week I could have never imagined any man could say some of the things I read and that those statements were actually be supported. A website called Man Boobz is a blog that creates awareness about the insanely barbaric things members of this group have posted online. I never thought I'd read comments from men ridiculing women who commented about being raped. In one sickening instance one actually taunted her about enjoying the rape and threatened to do it again. Their group is a concerted and malicious effort to disrupt any female group, organization, or website ONLY because they hate women. For whatever reason, this group hates women and even posts images of battered or injured women to laugh at! Any sane person can tell that some of these men are mentally ill or sexual predators. But I think some of them don't even realize this and think that what they are saying is fair, justified, edgy humor, or harmless fun. Fortunately there are other groups of men like those at The Good Men Project who see things in a balanced and non-hostile manner.

After reading posts by the Men's Rights Movement I thought to myself 'I can't wait for the feminists to get rid of these guys' and I wondered what they were doing to shut them down. I thought that someone should alert the feminists so they would do something about it. There it is. Just like the police, I might criticize them but when I'm worried about being harmed they are the first people I want to call! They have the power and law behind them to protect people without power. They have an organized system in place for this and people who have dedicated their lives to this duty. That is why they are both important and I would feel less safe if they were to disappear. So although I criticize extreme feminism or certain feminist ideas I still respect them, I understand they are important for everyone, and I am truly glad they are here. It must be a hard job and I'm glad they do it because I don't think I could handle so much pressure and responsibility.

Is Gender Socialization Wrong?

I watched some videos about gender socialization (Gender Socialization Video Part1, Part2) and started thinking about how people now are being taught that it is somehow unfair and wrong. In my opinion it is not. Gender socialization begins at birth when parents and others treat boys and girls differently and steer them towards attitudes and behaviours that society deems masculine or feminine. For instance, they dress girls in pink and buy them dolls while they dress boys in blue and buy them toy cars. They influence the wardrobe, toys, hobbies, and after school activities parents choose for their children. The attitude of the video creator was that this is wrong because it prevents a child from developing their own individuality.

I believe that gender socialization is no different from teaching children good manners and etiquette, rules, hygiene, or the way the world works. You are preparing them for social interactions and trying to make sure those interactions are successful. When boys go to school they can get along with other boys because they look the same and can play together. Girls also look the same and will enjoy the same activities. During elementary school the genders self-segregate so there are not many cross-gender friendships. Therefore, your child will be stuck with members of the same gender. The kids who don't fit in and may have problems are the ones who don't fit into these roles such as the tomboy or effeminate boy. These kids are often teased and they may have fewer friends. Other adults may even treat them differently. It's not fair but that's just what happens. So when a parent gender socializes their child they are trying to prevent this rejection. That doesn't mean that you rule with an iron fist though (authoritarian parenting). I believe in authoritative parenting (setting rules and boundaries but allowing the child freedoms) as opposed to permissive parenting (no rules or discipline). Once the child can choose things I will respect their choices within reason.

Parents have a responsibility to protect their children and help them succeed. Succeeding socially is important. Think about all the kids who suffered mentally because of bullying and some even commit suicide. So getting along socially can almost be a life and death issue. If a kid is bullied and drops out of school that could negatively affect their entire life. So socializing children is a very important task that I don't believe should be left to children who don't even understand complex concepts like gender or sexism. The video creator said this socialization prevents kids from being individuals but parents make many choices for their kids' best interest that the kids would never choose for themselves. Parents make kids eat healthy, go to Church, play music and sports they might not want to at first, get vaccinations, and wear what the parents choose. Kids are only starting to form their identities and they need to learn about the possibilities, choices, and consequences about how they choose to express themselves. When kids get to middle school they start rebelling and deciding what they believe in and who they want to be. They may change their clothing and hairstyles, activities, interests etc. They may also better understand the consequences of some of their identity choices but they have plenty of time after that to "be individuals".

I think the author of the video also contradicts herself. She said that being socialized prevented her from being an individual as a child, but that didn't prevent her from choosing her own path as an adult. So eventually, starting in middle school, kids will choose their own identity so what is the problem? Older kids will reject things they don't believe in and they might change their identities many times in their lives as they take on new roles. My parents socialized me to be feminine as a child, I rejected a lot of it as I got older, but now I value some of those things and I'm actually going back to that earlier socialization! They didn't tell me I couldn't go to university because I was a girl or anything like that so I wasn't that limited. They gave my brother more freedom to date though.

Someone might bring up sexual orientation in all of this. But only 3.8% of the U.S. population is gay/bisexual so a parent shouldn't even worry about that. Plus, many gay/bisexual people act just like the members of the same sex anyway. There is another VIDEO about a controversial Toronto couple who decided to hide their child's sex from the world and from their baby. They planned to avoid gender socializing their child. I guess they will just give the child the choice to do whatever and look however they want. I think that early on the child is going to choose either traditionally male or female toys and prefer playing with males or females and the choice will be made by the child or peers. But really, as soon as the child can talk other kids will ask his/her sex and the secret will be out. Plus, when the child goes to school I'm sure the school will insist on knowing the sex or the kid will have to go to the bathroom eventually lol! Worst case scenario someone might look in the child's pants and hopefully it's just another child. I'm not a fan of androgyny...it's just boring. I like the extremes of masculinity and femininity. I do like long hair on guys though lol!

This question came to my mind: If my child was having social problems at school because they did not conform to gender norms what would I do? For instance, let's imagine my daughter is seriously bullied for being a tomboy or my son is seriously bullied for being effeminate. I mean teased, hit, and rejected with no friends type of social problem (or course I'd talk to the school about stopping it first). This is more likely to happen in middle or high school. Also let's assume I've talked to my child and they are positive they are not homosexual. Well I would ask my child how important it is for them to fit in versus being an individual and discuss the consequences of both. I would tell him/her that high school is not forever but it is important to do well in school. It will be easier to do well if you fit in better with other students. So, on top of suggesting new schools I would also suggest a gender-appropriate make-over and teach them how to act more like their gender (gasp). I would let him/her know that they just need to survive high school and that in university people are more accepting of individuality and he/she could act differently there. Since the kid is already being bullied we know where being an individual has led.

So yes, before university I would emphasize conformity and following the rules. Going against the grain and changing the rules comes during university and after you have the power to choose your own environment and peer group. Some people emphasize individuality above all else but that's a very Western thing and many countries have more of a collectivist orientation. Honestly, we don't always say or do exactly what we want in every situation so in a tortuous, bullying situation if changing your style and mannerisms will stop it, I'd do it. We do many things we don't like to get by until we are among trusted friends, family, or in private. I don't believe for a second that many people aren't putting on an act in high school, especially the popular "cool" kids. That's adaptation. It has nothing to do with being ashamed of who you are. I know that the PC thing would be to just be yourself but what is more damaging, changing your behaviour for a few years or being tormented for a few years?

Do People Really Know Why They Do Things?

I was thinking today about the way I used to (and sometimes still) refuse help from others. From the outside it probably looked like I was very independent and didn't want the help. It looked like that to me too sometimes. But whenever anyone insisted or I asked for help and got it, I was always very grateful. I realize now that it wasn't because I wanted to be independent. Why would I turn down rides, money, or food? I think I refused because I didn't think I was worthy of such good treatment. It upsets me to even think about it. I have had a problem with this ever since I was a child. I would go without when I didn't have to. It was low self-esteem. I didn't walk by myself because I wanted to be a loner. I was just too afraid to put effort into developing many friendships out of fear of rejection. Sometimes when people wanted to be my friend I was surprised and wondered "Really? Why would they want to be friends with me?"

I read some complaints by men about women wanting to be independent and not wanting a man. Maybe some of those women are like me and they do things themselves because they don't feel they deserve the help and should be strong enough to do everything. It's interesting that some men complain that they are expected to be strong when I think a lot of women are getting the same message today. That's one of the reasons why I'm rejecting the strong, independent woman label. If you're independent and strong you're called worthless to men but if you're dependent and helpless then you're called worthless to everyone. You can't win! Either way you end up feeling inadequate. I hate the pressure women get for not being feminine or masculine enough. I guess men experience the same thing.

It also makes me think about why people do certain things while dating. Some men complain when women expect them to pay for dates but some women do this so the man will feel needed. That's also why some women let men open doors, carry things, and stand up for them. They want the man to fall in love with them. But of course there are women who just use men for money with no intention of having a relationship. Other women do the exact opposite and pay for everything, refuse any help, and even financially support men. They want to show the man they are not using them and only want their company. They also want the man to fall in love with them. Some women may also do this because of feminist teachings. Different women use different methods because they have been told that one method will ensure a man's love while the opposite method will push him away. Some men are calling this being manipulative and evidence that feminism and women are trying to emasculate them.

But if you read the posts and comments of different men there are some that insist on one of these methods over the other but sometimes to such an extreme that women risk being victimized. Some men think that any woman who isn't independent is oppressing a man by expecting financial support. This is often the preference of fake supporters of feminism who really just want women to financially support them or men who have no ambition or low self-esteem. They want a woman but they don't meet their standards so they guilt the women into lowering their standards. Perhaps some of them really think it's fine to reverse traditional roles and that it's consistent with egalitarianism.

To other men, women who don't rely on men for money, protection, or guidance are ruining society and the family by rejecting the "natural order" and negating the role of men! However, some of these men also expect total submission from their wives, the right to make all decisions, and in some cases don't believe women have the right to say "no" (i.e., men can rape their wives). It's possible that some have low self-esteem issues and think that absolute control is the only way to keep a woman from leaving them. Or they might truly believe that this is the best way to have a happy relationship based on history or social stereotypes.

Some men will deny that they have these motives, they have low self-esteem, or they might not even realize these things. If men and women can recognize that members of both sexes act differently and have different preferences, for many different reasons, we can stop automatically assuming the most negative and exploitative motivations. We should stop categorizing all men or women negatively based on their behaviour or preferences and try to find out the reasoning behind these things. Men and women with the same preferences will be a better match.

Identifying Edginess and Anti-Feminine Messages in Pop Culture

My previous post made me think about all of the messages we get from pop culture that promote edginess and anti-feminine messages. Many of these messages have influenced me in the past, but now that I know what they are I won't let them alter my attitudes or behaviour. These are some examples that stand out for me.

• Action films: I truly enjoy action movies but I know that I have to inoculate myself from wanting to be like the heroines. I loved Columbiana (starring Zoe Saldana) and any movies where women kicked the bad guys where the sun doesn't shine. But I was strongly influenced by Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. She had muscular arms in that movie and it influenced me to start lifting weights and trying to be buff (and non-feminine). In the film she was so masculine and was unable to be nurturing to her son at all. Awesome movie but why did I admire that? It didn't help that entertainment shows were talking about how great they thought Linda looked. Her character could have easily been played by a man. I will continue to enjoy the films but I won't fantasize about beating people up. 
• Action/adventure/sci-fi television shows: I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Alias, and La Femme Nikita. On these shows the heroines were constantly fighting, using guns, and saving people (including men). Because of Buffy I actually considered learning martial arts (not just for self-defense). I have to remember, I do not have to be a protector and I do not have to fight. I'll let the men do that. 
• Athletic commercials: These advertisements almost always have anti-feminine messages. You may have seen a recent one where a woman is actually competing with a man flipping tires, climbing ropes and things like that (I couldn't find the commercial but this VIDEO makes the same point). Why do women have to compete with men in sport and exercise? I remember when I used to lift weights that I felt proud that I could lift the same dumb bells as some of the men. I was the dumb bell because I wasn't doing myself any favours. I don't want to box, play hockey, or be a power lifter. I'll stick to my cardio, light weightlifting, calisthenics, and dancing.
• Music videos: Most Western music videos for pop, alternative, or hip hop music show women with edge and attitude. Maybe videos for ballads might be softer. It isn't news that the videos are too sexy but I haven't heard anyone complain about the edginess. In fact, the videos seem to be edgy on purpose. For instance, take Lily Allen. She wears feminine dresses but she curses like a sailor. Or anything from Avril Lavigne. Even when women in videos are dressed in super feminine clothes they always have a bad attitude! It's like it's not okay to just be nice, sweet, pretty, and romantic...they have to have an attitude! Of course, even the lyrics are not befitting a lady. I wanted to post Avril's "Smile" video but there was actually cursing in it. Any video where a woman curses, sings about her sexual exploits, or sings about beating people up is not for me. Notice in the video that she pushes the "nice girls" away! These videos also shows my point :  (warning there is foul language, crude lyrics, and degrading images in this documentary) Video1, Video2.

• Catty television shows: I have watched some of the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I have heard that all the Real Housewives shows, Basketball Wives, and Love and Hip Hop shows are similar. The women in the shows may have money and expensive clothes but they lack class, education, sophistication, and good manners. They curse and get into physical fights! I avoid these shows like the plague. I avoid most reality shows anyway. There is nothing I need to learn from Jersey Shore or Teen Moms. These shows are pure poison! I haven't seen Desperate Housewives, Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, or shows like that because I haven't been into that type of drama for a while. From what I have heard they have women scheming and acting very catty. It might be good entertainment but I would have to remind myself that this is not model female behaviour before I watch. 
• Romantic comedies: It may seem strange to put this on the list, but there are a lot of mixed messages in romantic comedies. For instance, sometimes the female lead chases the guy and they often have sex on the first date or way too early. If the woman is the focus of the movie sometimes she drinks, smokes, and has other masculine traits. But if the man is the focus it is usually a very feminine woman! Well, that's what comes to my mind but I haven't been watching too many of these films. I just remember "Going the Distance" was like that so my opinion on this one might be inaccurate. But I guess all women are different and there is a guy for every woman even if they do have some bad habits and masculine traits. Do you know what's funny...remember that scene in the "Breakfast Club" where Alley Sheedy gets a makeover from melancholic emo girl to girly girl? For a long time I actually preferred her melancholic look but now I prefer the made-over look!
• Fashion magazines: Yes, the magazines made by women for women are full of edginess and anti-feminine messages! I think my previous post demonstrates that many of the fashions displayed in these magazines are androgynous and unflattering to a feminine body. Their fashions don't not look good on women with curves and don't look so great on emaciated models either. Maybe it's because most of the designers are males who are not attracted to females? I have the feeling that the Asian styles I like are designed by women. Plus, in the magazines the women often look bored, like they are on heroine, unhappy, overly sexual, or like they have an attitude. It's rare to see anyone smiling or looking happy at all. It's all about edge and looking unnatural. I found a magazine a couple of days ago and that was what I noticed about it. I don't read fashion magazines (I don't buy magazines anymore) and I haven't for years because they tend to have a negative effect on women's body image. These videos demonstrate my point: Video1, Video2, Video3, Video4. 

I Do Not Support Misogynist Men!!!

Well, I have just been scared and shaken to the core! I was watching YouTube videos about women who don't agree with feminism. Then I came across some videos about the men's rights movement and one called The Effects of Emasculation Part 1 and Part II. These men are TERRIFYING! Don't be fooled into thinking that these are just nice traditional guys who feel victimized by feminism. These are not men looking for equal rights. No, these are the same types of men who do those hate videos about Black women that I wrote about in my post Black Women Bashers are Pathetic Excuses for Men! They use the same vocabulary and call any man who believes in chivalry, protecting women, or respecting woman a "mangina" so be wary of any man who uses that term. They post positive comments on the videos of any woman who criticizes feminism or women but they have the utmost contempt for all women.

Not only are the videos totally disrespectful of women by using derogatory terms to describe them but this video actually blames women for rape! It showed ads against rape as though they made men the victims instead of clearly seeing them as public service announcements about rape being wrong. Not only that, they showed women protesting rape and then women with low cut tops as though they were asking for it! No one should ever hit anyone because it's assault. But let's be honest, a large man can do way more damage to a woman with a punch than she can (a kid can punch me but it won't hurt me as much as I could hurt him/her). So in instances where a woman hit a man and he started hitting her back, other men jumped in, broke them up, and started hitting the man. Some men said after that it was "wrong to hit a woman" and the maker of the video called these men manginas. What this means is that any woman who hits a man now should not expect that he won't hit her back severely and uncontrollably. Some men might not even step in to stop it but I don't think it has gotten that bad yet. In my opinion, I think these men would hit a woman just because they are angry and they probably wouldn't need to be hit first. This is the attitude that some men have now that if we are equal then they can hit us just as they would a man. It's too bad they can't just see hitting a man or woman a wrong instead of espousing equal opportunity violence.

If you really want to be scared just read the comments! In the comments men openly wrote about wanting to "punch women in the teeth", beat them, and sodomize them out of anger! Comment after comment from different men were advocating for these things. They talk about how they want to take things back and get revenge on women! No, these are not men looking for equality, they want full patriarchy and power over women and endorse every sexist thing you can imagine. I don't even think the posters of the videos are Black men so this could include men of various races. This is my worst nightmare about the feminist movement that I wrote about in my post The Benefits and Drawbacks of Feminism. Of course men commented that they would never pay for dates but some of them were actually advocating for just using women for sex as some sort of lifestyle choice. What scares me is a woman would have no idea who these men are or if they are dating one. How prevalent is this thinking? So far the men I have dated in Canada haven't been like this and I hope none of you end up in a relationship with one of these guys! The crazy thing is that Black trolls from this group always harass Black women who post YouTube videos and some of them have asked for support of their men's rights movement! You can read all about their tricks and how to identify them HERE. I won't call myself a feminist but I definitely do not support this!!!

Western Fashions I Really Dislike

I mentioned in an earlier post that I am no longer impressed with Western fashion and I prefer Asian fashion. I'm just basing this off what I see people wearing around me and on television, or the most popular Asian styles I see online. Below I will show popular Western fashions that I think prevent us from looking our most feminine best. I admit I have some items from the styles below but I want to get rid of them. A woman still look cute and feminine in some of these things if she chooses a feminine colour, body fitting size, or something that is atypically feminine (e.g., a pink hoodie with hearts on it). Some of these items can still work if they are paired with other very feminine items.

1. The overly casual look: I rarely wear jeans anymore because they just make you look so casual. I don't like baggy or boy-cut styles, and low-rise jeans need to be retired. This look includes wearing sweats, pajama bottoms, leggings, slippers, and just sloppy outfits that you probably should not be wearing in public. People with this style look like they just threw something on and this includes any looks that are a mismatch of patterns. Oh yes, I would place that ugly grunge look in this category. 
2. The hipster look: This look includes some retro styles, ironic t-shirts, over-sized glasses, scarves with everything, some androgynous items, and a weird mismatch of items.
3. The androgynous look: This includes wearing any clothing that a man would wear (in his size). It includes boy shorts, boy-cut jeans, dress pants in men's cuts, ties, pant suits, fedoras, men's style shoes, over-sized clothes, military looks etc.
4. The sporty look: Some women who wear this look play sports or just like the look. Some may identify as tomboys. It includes sweats and track suits, clothing with visible logos, hoodies, sneakers, ball caps, polo shirts, and sports jerseys.
5. The skater, snowboarder, surfer look: This is a variation on the sporty look that includes those awful skateboarding shoes, baggy pants, hoodies, boy-cut shorts, ball caps, and flip-flops.
6. The punk look: This look is meant to make women look tough, depressed, or scary. Most of the clothing is black and includes combat boots, spikes, skulls and chains. Oh and the piercings, makeup, and hair colours are horrendous.
7. The weird high-fashion look: I would describe this as the strange Lady Gaga, Nikki Minaj, and sometimes Rihanna look. Most people don't wear this look but it's the type of thing you see in Vogue. These fashions make you look nothing like the girl next-door. The look is meant to gain attention with really weird, uncomfortable looking fashions that make you look totally unapproachable. It includes all of those expensive designer dresses that just aren't as cute or pretty as they could be.
8. The sloppy hippy look: This includes loose, 70s style clothes and patterns, ill-fitting clothes that actually looks second-hand, and that boho-chic look. Just not cute!
9. The hip hop look: This is similar to the sporty look and included anything considered "ghetto fabulous". I don't want to look like I listen to hip hop at all.

These are the styles I see a lot of people wearing in Canada and on television. I don't like the styles and they bore me. Almost all of these styles incorporate some sort of "edge". I can't stand edge and it is so masculine! Something edgy would be a woman in a pretty dress and combat boots, or a cute pink sweater with skulls, or punk girls in tutus. It just ruins the femininity and cuteness. It conveys hostility, unhappiness, boredom, and a negative attitude. Being edgy is not the look I'm going for.

Tribute to EBW Thandie Newton

I have been a fan of Thandie Newton (IMDB) ever since I watched her first movie, Flirting, in 1991. Flirting is one of my favorite movies and she is absolutely adorable in the interracial love story. Thandie has starred in so many movies and I try to watch anything she stars in. She appears the most like an EBW in Mission Impossible II, RocknRolla, The Chronicles of Riddick, and 2012, although in some of those roles she plays an evil (but gorgeous) character lol. She has starred in blockbusters such as Interview With the Vampire and Crash that won the best picture Oscar. She appears less like an EBW in The Pursuit of Happyness, Beloved, and For Colored Girls. I just never like it when she doesn't play a charming, sweet, intelligent woman or a mischevious but well-dressed villian lol. I have to see her performance in W! These are some things I've learned and noticed about Thandie Newton:

• On the red carpet she is always dressed in something pretty or elegant, never anything too revealing or sleazy. She always appears to carry herself with dignity and grace.
• Thandie has training as a dancer...maybe that is why she looks so graceful and feminine.
• She is smart too and has a degree in anthropology from Cambridge University!
• Thandie has recently gone natural with her hair and it looks great! 
• She tends to get roles in big movies and I think it's because of her mainstream appeal. She does not fit the negative stereotypes about Black women.
• She often gets paired with White men in her roles (e.g., Tom Cruise, Gerrard Butler, Simon Pegg, Cillian Murphy, Jon Bon Jovi and others). Is it because the film makers think she's the type of woman who White men would be attracted to? She is actually married to a White man. Or is she just able to get the roles written for White women?  Either way, she gets great roles that many in Hollywood would die for!
• I have never heard any negative gossip about her (e.g., fighting over a man, cheating, drugs etc.). If there are any scandals surrounding her then she is able to keep them quiet. 
• Unfortunately, Thandie has admitted to having an eating disorder and appears very thin sometimes. This is never something I would advocate for anyone and I hope that she has overcome the problem.
• Thandie is married and has two children.
• She is actually the daughter of an African princess...royalty!!!

There you have it: beauty, brains, career, marriage, and children...exactly the type of EBW I want to be! I'm posting some great Thandie Newton videos below. I really studied them! Pay attention to her makeup, hair, wardrobe, mannerisms, and the way she speaks :) Now I'm going to watch her and Jon Bon Jovi in the Leading Man!

Tribute video (too skinny in these photos, play on mute)

Double Exposure photo shoot (I have to learn to cross my legs like her! Watch her mannerisms)

Short documentary
Thandie Newton: Embracing Otherness, Embracing Myself (definitely smart, interesting!)
Thandie Newton Makeup tutorial (nice natural look)
http://www.thandie-newton.org/
Google images of Thandie Newton

What Men Like About Black Women Versus Asian Women

One more thing before I leave the topic of Asian women compared to Black women for a while. I've mentioned in previous posts the things I've heard men say about Asian and Black women. I think the videos below will explain these views clearly.

I know it's hard to take being compared to someone else, especially when you can't help the way you were born or the way you look. It seems very unfair doesn't it? But pay attention to the video about why the blogger likes Asian women because only one reason has to do with physical appearance. The other reasons are because of their attitude, behaviour, and demeanor and also because they show interest and date the men who are interested in them! Attitudes, behaviours, and our dating interests can change! When Black men and men of other races are constantly rejected by Black women they may eventually give up and start pursuing other women who will give them a chance. Apparently, White men have had success with Asian women so they see them as dating and marriage options. They have probably learned from experience or from friends that most Black women are not interested in White men so they do not purse Black women as much. But if you give off a vibe (like many EBWs) that you are approachable, friendly, and open to other races then you will be approached by these men.

This man is attracted to Black women because he thinks we are strong and resilient (not a fan of that word strong or the belief that we are strong) and we strive for and only accept excellence. Also, because good men are in demand, Black women treat them well. Last of all, he finds us physically attractive (e.g., nice behind, full lips, dark skin the usual). There is no mention about us being very feminine or cute or that we are open to dating men of other races. Being strong is a masculine trait and once again it was used to describe us but it was not used to describe Asian women. In fact, I have never heard anyone describe Asian woman (or most women) as strong at all.

So, while Black and Asian women are considered to be attractive for different reasons, Asian women are valued for being feminine and girly while Black women are valued for being strong and hard working. I would rather be considered feminine and girly and some men are actually turned off by strong, independent women. I don't like being expected to be strong. I think the type of man who looks for a strong woman may want someone he doesn't have to worry about protecting or providing for. On the other hand, a man who wants a feminine, innocent, girly woman might enjoy being the protector and provider. I don't know but it's just my guess. I've heard Black men complain that they don't want strong, independent women who don't seem to need them. On the other hand I have heard men complain about lazy women who they have to do everything for too. Which situation do you think is the better deal for a woman? Maybe the ones who want a tiny, easy to overpower woman would be overly controlling? I really don't know but I preferred the first video and would like those things to be said about me.

This just reminds me of cats and dogs. I love cats but what I love about them is they are low maintenance. You feed them, play with them sometimes, but they are quiet, you don't need to walk them, and they don't constantly need your attention. Cats are like strong, independent women. Dogs need constant attention, grooming, walks, and whenever they make noise you have to go see what's the matter with them. The dogs are like the girly women who need protection and the help of a man. I don't want to be a cat, I need more attention and care than that! Cats are lonely and ignored.

Why Compare Black Women and Asian Women?

I think I should get this explanation out of the way so that readers understand where I'm coming from and why I tend to compare Black women to Asian women. Actually, this blog is about my endeavor to become more feminine, well-mannered, desirable, and a better woman in general so this also helps me to understand my own reasoning. I compare Black women to Asian women a lot because the the things said about both women are often the complete opposite! These are the things I have heard about both types of women. Yes most are stereotypes but those stereotypes will have benefits for them and negative consequences for us.

Black Women/Asian Women

loud/quiet

aggressive/submissive

overweight/petite

curvy body/slim body

dark/light (some are dark too)

kinky hair or fake hair/straight real hair

overly masculine/overly feminine

called undesirable/called most desirable

disrespectful to men/live to serve men

not wife material/wife material

negative portrayals in the media/positive portrayals in the media

So you see, to me it makes sense that if I want to become a desirable, feminine woman that I would look to the group who's women are considered to be "the standard" for desirable, feminine women even if that is a stereotype. I also compare to Asian women because of the things we have in common:

• We are visible minorities in Western countries so we are subject to racism and stereotypes. Our beauty is not the Eurocentric ideal. Some men will reject both groups just because we are not White.
• When men of other races prefer us it is called a fetish.
• We are both rarely seen in the media so the few representations people see are taken to be accurate depictions of the typical Black or Asian woman.
• We naturally have dark hair and dark eyes and a yellow skin undertone (of course there are exceptions).
• We have some similar facial features (e.g., full lips, rounded and sometimes wide noses). We look youthful longer too.
• We have our own culture that is different from the "mainstream Western culture".

One might ask, why not compare to White women. I don't make that comparison often because:

• I think it's more useful to look at our extreme opposites. There are many White women who are criticized for the same things as Black women (e.g, being loud, masculine, overweight, too feminist, etc). Many Black and White women dress in similar ways.  When I compare White women to Black women sometimes I don't see much difference. We also share Western pop culture and are exposed to the same beauty standards, music, media, events etc. But comparing to Asians on another continent removes some of the shared cultural aspects.  I do look to White women about etiquette, manners, homemaking, and dating though because they write the books and those things are accepted by most Western women.
• There are unique similarities between Black and Asian women. In terms of appearance, there is more variety in White women's hair colour and texture and eye colour. Their skin tone also has less range and has a pink undertone or an orange tone when tanned that is different from my yellow undertone. There are some Asians who are actually as dark as I am (especially if we include West Asians) and they have a yellow undertone, but that is not the case for White women. So makeup that looks good with dark eyes and dark hair is applicable to both Black and Asian women.  I think many Black women like me don't even bother to compare ourselves to White women. They just look too different in terms of colour and facial features. 
• White women are too over-represented in the media and in the population. I think because I'm so used to their look and standard of beauty that I don't see the point of comparing myself to them. It's like White women are your regular maple trees, Black women are palm trees, and Asian women are those pink cherry blossom trees. The maple trees don't stand out to me anymore for some reason. When I look at makeup tutorials for White women they just wouldn't look good on Black women (because of eye colour and skin undertones).  The White women I find attractive tend to have Black or Asian features like dark hair and skin, dark eyes, full lips, rounded noses, and rounded non-angular faces. I guess there just isn't a White celebrity who I think of as a beauty or fashion icon. Lady Gaga seriously? 
• When I look up cute Western clothes they are nowhere near as cute as the Asian clothes. I can wear anything Lucy Liu can wear but I just can't compare myself to Blake Lively or Giselle at all.  I am not a fan of the stick-thin models and would never look good in the clothes they wear. On the other hand, as long as you are not overweight, I think some of the Asian fashions would look fine on me (not the super short skirts or teenager looks of course). The Asian girls are thin but the are also short so they are in proportion. I'm just bored with the Western look I guess. I'm going to start doing more comparisons to good examples of EBWs now because I think that would be even more helpful.
• Oh, and I forgot one of the most important reasons! Comparing White and Black women would infuriate a lot of people! Due to the history of relations between Black and White people, comparisons between those groups always leads to controversy, discussions of slavery, racism, etc. to the point that any attempt to do anything White people do or look like them is practically a crime. This blog is not about that sort of thing and I am trying to stay away from those discussions. This blog is about trying to be the best woman I can be and that has nothing to do with trying to be White or Asian. Good qualities are good qualities, no matter who possesses them.

We Can Look Just as Desirable as Anyone Else

I want you to visit the Google Images page Asian women before and after and really look at how different the women look with a little make-up. I tried searching for similar pages for White and Black women but they were not the same (a lot of surgery or weight-loss before and afters, very few photos) or I would post links to them too. I'm trying to prove a point not pick on Asian women! I think that the Asian women before and after photos are popular for some reason on YouTube and MANY different websites. Many of the photos are posted on Asian Town so I guess Asian men don't think their women are perfect unlike some Western men. The point of this post is to show you that these women are not automatically better looking than you! I've read comments from men online saying Asian and White women look better than Black women but I don't believe that's true. I think almost all of them are by disgruntled black men (I'll admit they do post some videos saying black women are beautiful too). There are good looking and unattractive women in every ethnicity. Ever heard the saying "there are no ugly women, only lazy ones"?

You may have heard that men prefer the natural look on women so some of you may choose to go without makeup. But these same men also want women who are beautiful! It is an unfair standard to set for us because most women don't wake up looking fabulous. I think a happy medium would be wearing some makeup that isn't too heavy, doesn't rub off on everything, and looks very natural. You will notice in the photos that the makeup looks very natural (the ones in Google Images). That's why the before photos are so shocking! They are not wearing wild, rainbow colours on their faces or in their hair. These women don't look like they are wearing much more than eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick or gloss but most men won't think they are wearing anything (except for the contacts). They don't even look like they are wearing eye shadow.

This is how I see the current situation (you might disagree with my logic of course). Some men rate the average Asian or White woman as more attractive than the average Black woman. This is because ordinary looking Asian and White women wear makeup that makes them look beautiful but natural. They are cheating! They attract more men and have long-term relationships with them. By the time the men realize the women don't naturally look so great they are already in love and don't care. Now if you are a Black woman and you are not wearing natural looking makeup to attract men, unless you are one of those lucky women who looks amazing straight out of bed, these women will always look more attractive than you! So, if you want to compete you will just have to cheat too and learn how to apply natural looking makeup.

Okay, I hear some of you saying you don't want to cheat, this is dishonest, men should like you just the way you are, you don't like makeup etc. Well, the choice is yours. Are you willing to risk being passed over for these other women because men are tricked into thinking they are more attractive than you (when in reality they are not)? Successful men are very desirable so they can seek out more physically attractive women. What if not looking your best means that the most successful men won't pick you? We have to face the reality that men are attracted to beautiful women so if you want to attract a man you need to look as beautiful (but natural) as you can. We are in competition for the best quality men! After you get his attention you keep him interested because of your pleasant character and personal qualities. A pretty face with no brains, manners, interests, or good character is not enough. The pretty face is just a pleasant invitation for him to get to know you better and the prettiest invitation usually wins :)

These are some things that stood out for me in the photos:

• These women are wearing very natural looking makeup without any bright or unnatural colours. They aren't wearing rainbow coloured eyeshadow. Enhance your natural beauty.
• Hair is so important! It seems like bangs are the cure for a large forehead or oddly shaped face lol. Bangs also add to the cuteness factor. Unfortunately, bangs rarely look good with natural hair unless it's pinned flat to one side (I might give that a try).
• Did you notice that a lot of the women were wearing wigs? Black women aren't the only one's who do it and the wigs looked more shiny and voluminous than their natural hair. Some of the hair was coloured but they were not unnatural rainbow colours. 
• Make the time to take care of your hair and style it to look the best it can. The women in the photos probably had to do things to make their natural hair look good (e.g., flat ironing, shine serums etc.). Their hair tended to be long too. Do what you can to grow out your natural hair and make it look as beautiful as you can. Many men like our natural hair so don't think you have to go straight in order to be pretty.
• The women were dressed in a feminine manner, even in the before photos! Nice clothes will complete your look.
• Take photos of yourself looking cute and sweet never hard. Practice posing in flattering ways. There are articles online about how to do this. 

You probably noticed that 99% of the women were thin. So even if we all look better with makeup some men will still say we are less attractive because we are overweight. Well I've discussed that before and while we work on that we can try to look as good as we can anyway. Some men might also rate us lower if they hate natural hair or wigs and weaves. As a natural, I think it's worth it because you just get a different type of guy and I think they are usually of better quality anyway. As for the weaves and wigs...well I advocate going natural as usual. But if you do wear weaves and wigs try to look as natural (straight or textured) as possible meaning a natural colour, texture, and hairline. As long as it looks real and attractive some men won't care.

Feminine Dances I Want to Learn

In the near future I want to learn samba and belly dance! My post about Lessons We Can Learn From Brazilian Women made me really want to learn the samba! I found videos online where women are doing the samba with partners and they are wearing dresses (not thongs) so I think that clearly, it is not the same booty-shaking dancing we are embarrassed about in clubs. I already have belly dance exercise tapes so I'll bring those out. I would like to take classes for both though. I also want to learn some feminine and tasteful moves for the dance club. Maybe I need to learn how to dance to actual "dance music" instead of hip hop too. I think that dance is a good feminine interest (of course men dance too but women take way more dance classes than men) and it will help me to move in a more feminine manner. Plus, dancing is great exercise.

The women who do this dance look so fit! Their bodies look like rubber! Definitely feminine...the guys have way too much flare for me though :)

Gorgeous!

The Type of EBW I want to be

I've decided to review the type of woman I want to become so that I can check my progress and what I still need to work on. These are things that I want to achieve but of course I'm not expecting to be perfect. If I achieve these things then I will be the best woman I can be and my idea of an EBW. This is an ideal and not necessarily the ideal woman to anyone reading this blog. Anything with a star is something I haven't made enough progress with.

Appearance

• long, healthy, natural hair (my hair is bra-strap BSL length!)
• clear, toasty-brown skin all over* (I need to exfoliate more and always apply lotion or oil)
• healthy body weight and toned body* (want to lose a few pounds but I still look good)
• make-up that accentuates my features
• feminine fashion style (need to start wearing heels more often)
• good posture and feminine movement 
• smiling often (greatly improved)

Attitude and Behaviour

• Staying poised when under pressure
• Maintaining a positive mood and attitude (not too bad, greatly improved)
• Behaving like an EBW in public and private (improved)
• Not engaging in useless arguments online and offline (I have really improved!)
• Being a good friend  and daughter (need to make more friends too, improved as a daughter)
• Being a fun, joyful, nice, pleasant person (greatly improved)
• Toning down the sexiness (not bad)
• Being interesting to talk to (not bad)
• Helping others * (I help my friends with advice but I haven't been volunteering)

Hobbies and Interests

• healthy cooking * (need some good recipes)
• physical fitness and working out
• physical activities (e.g., pool, tennis, volley ball, golf)* 
• reading (need to do more pleasure reading instead of school related reading)
• self-improvement
• dinner parties *
• sewing and knitting *
• sketching and painting * (know how to but need to actually spend time doing)
• blogging (of course)
• dance lessons *
• learn massage * (another trick for my feminine arsenal)
• travel *
• socializing regularly* (the winter really killed my social life)

Romantic Relationships

• Starting a monogamous relationship * (I'm single)
• Getting married * (not even close)
• Having a baby *(again, not even close)

Career

• Graduate (almost there)
• Get a job in my field * (I have to start looking)
• Do the best job I can *

As you can see from this list, I have made a lot of progress on my journey to becoming an EBW! Most of the progress has involved changing the way I look, my attitude, and my behaviour. I am acting and looking very different from the way I was a few years ago. 

I am not worried about the improvements I need to make in my career because these goals will be achieved in the near future. I'm not even worried about them anymore. As you can see, my career goals do not include becoming the best, starting a company, or anything time-consuming like that. I'll be satisfied with the job, a husband, and kids. 

The areas where I need the most improvement are in my interests and romantic relationships. It may be possible that my interests and romantic relationships could actually intersect. I could take up some sports and meet someone in the process. I could go to dinner parties or out dancing and meet someone. I could also take in community events and meet someone. I just have to get out more and socialize and these things will be taken care of. The winter has really put a hold on some of these things, so I can't wait until the weather gets better. Some of the hobbies also require time and money and it was hard to find time and money while I was busy with school. So right now my priorities are doing what is necessary to graduate, finding a job, and going out and socializing. I'll wait until I earn some money before taking on some of the hobbies :)

R.I.P. Whitney Houston

I always thought that Whitney Houston was the most beautiful Black woman I had ever seen. She was the original Black Barbie. What a face, what a talent. Even my father had her first album. I wish she had been able to make a comeback. She will be missed.

Advice From Video Bloggers

Don't you just love online videos? They just make the blogging experience so much more interesting and interactive. I'd like to share two videos with you. I really like the advice in the first one. We need to pay attention to our appearance. It isn't shallow and it doesn't set women back. There are benefits! Use what you have to ensure that you get what you want in life, especially love. You can be beautiful, smart, and talented. The idea that women should dull themselves down is like taking a beautiful flower and hiding it in a closet, or picking off the petals. Why hide beauty? Why not make the world more beautiful? Yes, being attractive can get you unwanted attention, but so can letting yourself look unattractive. The difference is that I can't think of any benefits of a woman being unattractive.

As for the second video...I'm not sure. In the second video she says it's attractive to men when women are vulnerable, but if you have read The Rule, or He's Just Not That Into You, they are both about weeding out the guys who don't like you and are likely to hurt you. I don't believe in wasting you time and being vulnerable to any guy. Maybe she means a guy you are already dating who has all the good qualities you want. Well, I'll let you decide.

The Benefits and Drawbacks of Feminism

I'll start off by saying the equal rights for women is a good thing and I don't want things to go back to a state where women are treated as less than human. Here are the benefits of feminism and equal rights for women:

1. Women can work and support themselves. This allowed women to be independent people instead of just the property of their fathers and husbands. When someone has total power over your food, shelter, clothing, and any other needs they can become abusive. It would be hard for a woman in that situation to ever have her wishes and dreams fulfilled. This has also allowed women to support a family if their husbands died or left them. 
2. Women can achieve what they want and influence others. Women can contribute to society, make important decisions that affect others, contribute to research and technology, write things that are read by millions, express unpopular opinions, employ others, and do many other things they could not do before. They can achieve whatever they think is important and influence society in ways that were not possible in the past. Women can also vote and have a say in what happens to them and their community.
3. Women are protected from men. This is very important. Men are still physically more powerful than women and women are often the victims of abuse, rape, theft, and even murder committed by men. In the past some of these crimes were ignored (especially against Black women). But now the law is on the side of women when a man is the perpetrator. Laws were also created to protect women from discrimination so that sexism has become highly unpopular and punishable. 
4. Women are considered to be important. We were no longer seen as property and our issues became important. We became individuals with inherent importance instead of just pretty dolls who should be seen and not heard. There was more to us than just being a wife and mother and those roles were no less important than a man's roles. The achievements and contributions of women are now recognized when they were ignored and ridiculed in the past. 

But I think there are some negative consequences of feminism too. I'll start off with posting a video.

This video really made me think. Are women really treated worse than men? 

1. Men have rejected chivalry. Men (and maybe some women) have confused having equal rights with being treated exactly the same in every area of life. Being paid the same and being seen as equally human is not the same as treating a woman exactly like a man. But because of feminism some men reason that because they don't open doors for men or pay for their dinner they don't have to do that for a woman. They ignore the fact that they are trying to win the woman over so they have to be nicer! They no longer want to be the pursuer.
2. Men don't want to get married. Some men will even encourage women to have children and raise them alone because women are "so strong" and can earn their own money. They don't feel the need to be a husband because they will not have complete control over their wives. They would prefer it if marriage made a woman their property. Some men don't even want to be the main breadwinner anymore and have lost the drive to be successful. Some are fine with mooching off a woman and aspire to be house husbands. 
3. Men don't feel the need to protect women. In the past (an still today to an extent) women were regarded as being weak, fragile, and in need of protection, somewhat like children. Women did not want to be compared to children. But we had a good thing going! Men would risk their lives for us, we were protected from harm, and men would let us get into lifeboats if a ship sank. This did not happen on that Italian cruise ship where the men pushed women aside and saved themselves. Men were more willing to get hurt and die for us when they considered us to be inferior to them. They liked us being dependent on them! Who would have expected that? I have even heard men online say they would punch a woman now because we are equal to men! 
4. Everyone thinks masculine things are superior to feminine things. In the past men thought women's interests and responsibilities were unimportant, but women valued these things. Now, many women also consider traditionally feminine things to be inferior. They are rejecting useful things like cooking, sewing, and raising children and want to play football, race cars, and get tattoos. Women have taken up the stupid things that men like and look down on women who embrace the traditional. 

The points above make me reluctant to call myself a feminist because I know that there are some feminists who will read my list of drawbacks and actually call them benefits! These women reject any chivalrous act by a man, they never want to marry (and tell other women not to marry), they refuse protection from men, and reject everything feminine. They ruin things for women like me and confuse men who prefer women like me. 

So in my opinion, the feminists have won and they need to relax a little. Right now we have our cake and we can eat it too because we are regarded as equals yet somehow special and in need of protection. We can get the same jobs as men and employers have to change workplaces to accommodate us. The law punishes men for hurting us more severely than they do for hurting other men and we get less punishment for the same actions. The feminists have won! There are small battles that need to be fought and institutionalized sexism (just like racism), but things are not as dire as they were in the past. If they keep pushing then the drawbacks will become even more prevalent. I think it would be great if racism did not exist one day, but do I really want to see the day when women are treated exactly the same as men? I'd have to say no. 

Lessons We can Learn From Brazilian Women

My parents are from the Caribbean but I was born in Canada. Negative things have been said about Caribbean women too. Negative things were said about Rihanna's being from the Caribbean after that incident with Chris Brown (can't stand him). But I think there are some things we can learn from women who come from tropical places. I watched a few YouTube videos and I've noticed a few things. I have to first state that the women were chosen for the videos because they are beautiful and many are models, so they probably don't typify the average Brazilian or Caribbean woman. But I think it is fair to compare them to American women and models who are considered attractive.

1. Exotic allure: Anyone looking at these women would say they are "exotic". Some women think exotic is a bad word and don't want it applied to them. But what is wrong with being exotic rather than ordinary? People love exotic foods and traveling to exotic places. Asian and Latina women don't seem to mind being exotic and men sometimes seek them out just because they are different. Some might say the men who prefer exotic women just have a fetish, but isn't it a fetish to like a large chest or backside, or a certain colour of hair or eyes? Does having that fetish matter if a man loves and marries you? Men are attracted to women because of the way they look and some prefer a different look. Sometimes I think people call it a fetish because they can't understand why someone would want an exotic woman and they prefer the standard European look. It's just another way to devalue one of our qualities. Maybe those of us who are from the Caribbean, Africa, or South America should embrace our exotic roots. I personally think anything is better than hip hop fashion.
2. Carefree attitude: I doubt most people in the tropics are carefree but I'm just referring to the women in the videos. The women in the videos look happy, flirty, carefree, and easy to get along with. They don't look hardened. This is a very feminine quality and it is very attractive. They may have problems but they don't show it or they handle it well. 
3. Natural hair: Most of the women in the videos have long hair that is also natural. There were many different textures, some hair hung down, some was more puffy, but they all looked beautiful. I LOVE natural hair. Long hair is feminine but so is natural hair. Their hair was very sexy!
4. Healthy Weight: For some reason the women had really thin arms and waists but large breasts and backsides! It isn't possible to spot reduce so this look may be very difficult for most to achieve. But one thing we can do is exercise and eat healthier so that our waists are smaller. Larger waists are associated with health problems such as diabetes. Notice that many of the dancers had very fit legs and they were not skinny like Western fashion models. They look healthy not underweight. 
5. Beautiful skin: These women had skin that glows! Some had a biracial look, sometimes with light eyes and skin but there were plenty with dark skin and eyes. The photos were probably touched up too. The lesson for us though is that we need to moisturize, exfoliate, and take good care of our skin. Brown, tan skin just looks baked, ripe, and healthy :)
6. Stay feminine while dancing. There were several clips of women dancing. Some appeared to be doing Latin dances. They looked very feminine (I know they were barely dressed and you wouldn't wear those outfits everyday). Many hip hop dances (especially crumping...gross) look too hard and masculine. I think reggae dance can be vulgar sometimes too. Try to conduct yourself like a lady when you dance and men will treat you like one. I am not a fan of calypso, reggae, or Latin dance. I might get to like Latin dance and I want to take some kind of dance lessons. I think the dance in the videos is samba...very hot!