Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Why Do I Care So Much About Attracting a Man?

For some women in this world the biggest achievement in their lives will be owning a successful company, getting a specific degree, earning an obscene amount of money, winning a prestigious award, owning a huge house, or being a leader in their given field. These women prioritize money, fame, and power. For me, all of those things are just a means to an end and I want to be successful and wealthy to provide for my family and for future generations of my family. So for me, having a happy and healthy family is the most important goal in my life and all of my other goals were working towards that. I am not one of those women who is unsure if they want to have a husband or children. I have wanted those things since probably the fourth grade. I have no interest whatsoever in living alone or with a female roomate for the rest of my life. I have no interest in going from man to man and always feeling insecure because they could leave me at any moment. I have no interest in doing all this work only to die alone in some care facility with no children. I did not work so hard just for myself, I did it to provide for a future family. Do you know that there are some species that die right after mating or giving birth? That was their whole purpose for living. Yes there are other fulfilling things we can do to enjoy our long lives but we were created to reproduce.

I believe that when you make a child that is the greatest creation and act you will ever achieve in your lifetime. I'm just remembering a part in the movie Prometheus (SPOILER ALERT) (brilliant film) where a male scientist said that any moron could create life so it was no big deal. Then the female scientist reminded him that she was unable to conceive a child. Although so many species and people can create life without even trying many can not or their offspring is unhealthy or do not survive! If they can not procreate then their genetic material dies with them. If they do not have children then they can not pass on their teachings about how to survive and adapt that helped them to become successful, or they will pass them on to other people's children. Other people's children will benefit while the teacher's line dies out. From a genetic standpoint, not passing on your genes is a failure that many can't help and a successful and healthy person not passing on there genes is a waste. There are way too many people with serious adaptation problems and negative traits bringing multiple children into the world who they barely care for. Leaving them to be the only reproducers would not be beneficial to society. I'm sorry, but if I can have my own baby there is no way I would choose to not do so and care for one of those children instead. Those children are not my responsibility and I did not work so hard just to take care of an irresponsible person's offspring. I want my own to raise the best I can. They do not deserve children more than I do.

In order to produce and raise the best children I can, I believe that I have to attract, have a relationship, marry, have children, and raise those children with the best man I can find. I will not have a child with just anyone. I will keep myself healthy and I want someone healthy. I want someone who can provide financially for the child so we can have two incomes. I believe nowadays that is like insurance so that if one of us loses a job, becomes ill, or even dies then the other partner is able to provide. I want someone who has qualities that might make them a good parent so I don't want someone who is abusive, has a criminal past, has substance abuse problems, makes bad decisions, does not commit to anything, does not care for others, and does not take responsibility for things. I want someone intelligent enough to learn how to be a good parent and care for children. I want someone with enough self-respect and fear of shame so that they could never accept being a bad parent or abandoning their child. I want someone with enough emotional intelligence to maintain a marriage and keep a family together. This means I have to choose a man wisely and not just take whoever comes along.

Because of all of these reasons, attracting, choosing, and marrying a man is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life right now and this decision will affect me and my children for the rest of our lives. Jobs can come and go but that man will always be my children's father. If he disappears it could negatively affect my children for the rest of their lives but if I lost my job they may barely even notice or remember what I did for a living. They will adjust to living in a new house if we move, going to a new school, getting a new car...but a new father? I would rather make the choice of husband and father of my children only once and I refuse to accept the casual attitudes some people have today about marriage and bringing children into this world. I am not like those people and anyone who endorses those views has different values and priorities from mine. I may not be able to take much of their advice seriously because it may go against my values. This is the reason for some of my negative views about feminism and "the black community" since they sometimes advocate that marriage is antiquated and women can just have and raise children on their own. I will have children no matter what but I am going to make every effort to make sure they have a father to raise them. I don't care if I can raise a child on my own, I DON'T WANT TO! I don't care if other women do it and their kids turn out okay, I DON'T WANT TO. I don't care if marriage was created by patriarchy to oppress women, I STILL WANT ONE because it still has benefits I WANT TO HAVE.

So if I make some decisions, dress, speak, style my hair, choose my hobbies, go out to events, and improve myself to get a man so what? It is the most important goal in my life! Plus I am acting and dressing in socially approved and respectable ways that can benefit me in other aspects of my life. I made decisions, dressed, and acted in a certain way to achieve my degree (goal accomplished) and I will do the same to get and keep a job (current goal). I will have to do the same to get a man...why would I put in less effort to achieve the more important goal? Other women can go ahead and put their careers first but family is first for me. Women who put their careers first will never understand women like me and I must take their advice with caution because the same advice that brings them happiness could sabotage my goals. Yes, yes, yes things might not go as planned but at least I'm going to try and know I did the best I could!

27 comments:

  1. State exactly want you want and release it into the universe sister, and it will come to you.
    I understand where you're coming from. I never had kids because I wasn't married. And I also refuse to have kids out of wedlock, the last thing I need is to become a statistic. I would hate to be a single parent.
    This whole single mother thing is not my style at all.
    Love this post because it's very honest.

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  2. I'm a single woman with a teenager and never been married, I have to agree. My family did not believe in abortion and urged me to keep the child. Very poor decision. I wish more black women would realize that having out of wedlock children is NOT the way to go.

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  3. As my children were getting ready for bed the other night, I watched my husband pick up our youngest son in his arms and give him the most tender hug. In that moment it came to my mind the most important decision a woman can make for herself and for her future children, is to marry a quality man. Like you, I always desired marriage and children for myself. At 9 years old, I remember writing a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Being married by 21 was on the list! I ended up getting married at 23 - so just a few years off! I wish more young women would focus on marriage with the same zeal they focus on education and careers. Not to say pursuing an education or working isn't important. But, the working world will not offer you the same kind of fulfillment you will find as a wife and mother.

    Mary Ellen
    The Working Home Keeper

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  4. Thank you so much Maria :) Thank you Anonymous for your honesty. It must be hard having to carry the entire load without consistent help. I'm willing to admit that I would need help with my children and it would be better if it was actually their father who loves them and doesn't need to be payed to care for them. I'm not a super woman and I know it would be difficult for me to do it all by myself.

    Hi Mary Ellen, you paint a lovely picture of happy married life. I think that women can have the education, career, and the family if they want to. But either way children are way more important because they are alive, your sole responsibility, they are fragile, and they are irreplaceable. I'll never understand people who have a callous attitude about having kids, like it's no big deal. I mean sometimes having a child can be a life or death decision for a woman if she has certain health conditions...my education and career was never a threat to my life. It's a huge decision and responsibility. I van't wait to get married and start a family :)

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  5. You worded this post beautifully and honestly. I could not have said this better myself. You have just said what most women are afraid to say or afraid to even think. I almost fell into this Career and Education first category and missed out on a great man who I am now engaged to. I agree it is very important to carry on your legacy, especially if you know that you are capable of raising children that will benefit society. I look forward to carrying on what I was brought in this world to do. Thanks for this great post!

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  6. Thank you for your kind comment Black Senorita and congratulations on your engagement :)

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  17. Anonymous I'm going to refer you to this post http://elegantblackwoman.blogspot.ca/2012/09/why-are-you-bothering-me-about-my.html

    and ask you to stop commenting on this blog. Further comments from you on this post will be deleted.

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  19. Are you and I the same person? I swear that I write this blog in my sleep unconscious state because you and I are the exact same lol. I wholeheartedly agree with this post and pretty much every other one that you have here

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  20. Lol socialitedreams! You are so funny, that made me laugh so hard lol! Thanks sweetie :)

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  21. GREAT POST! Exactly why it is important to uphold marriage and family. I would keep my children far, far away from the You can do it by yourself crowd...Do not allow conditioning towards this mindset.

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  22. I just don't get your blog trolls. Clearly he/she is obsessed with you. I mean, if you don't agree with what someone has to say on their own personal blog, then why would you wait for and read everything they post just so that you can leave a hateful comment. I just don't get it.
    This person has obviously subscribed to your blog, how else would she know when to show up when you post a new blog?!

    This person needs professional help and I think the best thing to do is ignore her and keep using that delete button. She will go away eventually.
    I think that what you;re doing is very positive and I would always encourage you to keep doing what you're doing because the black community needs more women like you. There aren't a lot of BWE blogs that focuses on black women and our femininity. Too many of us grew up in an environment not knowing how to be feminine because it was not something we were though, unlike most non black women. There is only a handful of us on the internet. I mean I like the BW/WM interracial blogs, but I wish there were more blogs teaching us how to channel our femininity and use it to our advantage.

    So like I said, you're doing an amazing thing here so don't let the trolls discourage you.

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  23. Thank God there are modern women who understand that being a woman need not mean being angry at men. Some women would have you believe that in order to be female one must despise men. I have come to reject this erroneous thinking, after drinking the male bashing poison for too long.

    And I admire u for having clear goals. Wanting a family is natural, wanting a father to protect one's children is witty and wanting someone to parent with u long term is intelligent.

    Ideologies are good. One only needs to make sure they work for one's benefit & not the other way around.

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  24. Hello,

    I am very glad that you were honest! I know a lot of people don't like hearing it, but I wish more women were as sensible.

    I do not want to have a child alone. Not because I don't necessarily want any, rather, because it is the most difficult emotionally and financially draining job on earth.

    Having babysat my brother's kids on my own, as well as being left to care for my developmentally delayed younger sister, if i was truly alone, knowing that I could not turn to anybody else for help, especially during personally stressful times . . . I can see how some women can easily sink into despair.

    I used to be one of those 'you don't need a man to raise a kid' delusional types until I actually was in a caring situation on my own. No. Never.

    I'd rather leave the world without any issue than be left alone for child care. It is just too emotionally stressful, for me at least. If a person can do it on her own, good for her, that's not my life.

    E

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  25. If you are Christian, my advice to u in order to get a husband is pray using Song of Songs. It has worked for me :)

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  26. Thank you everyone for all of your positive comments. These are just my honest personal feelings about why I want to have a husband and children so badly. Some don't like it but I'm not ashamed to want something millions/billions of other women also want.

    Hi Black Women Deserve Better, yes I will let the "you can do it by yourself crowd" do it by themselves...far away from me!

    Hi Maria :) Thanks so much! I don't understand them either. I think some people just enjoy debating and arguing. They need to be the winner and make the other person back down, change their opinion, or admit they are wrong. But if that happens it's not as though it changes something in the troll's life so why bother? I could just lie and say I changed my mind but I would still do what I planned to do.

    Hi Anonymous, I'm not angry at all men. It must be hard for women who feel that way who still want relationships. I don't know how they manage to do it. I just don't have the same anger or hostility possibly because I haven't been wronged as badly so I feel bad if they have been hurt. But transferring that anger towards all men isn't helpful.

    Hi EbonyFaery (cute name :) I agree, it will be such a big job and responsibility. I don't think I could do that alone and work. I would have to do everything. I would be too stressed and busy all the time. I know I would be miserable because that's how I feel when I have too much to do.

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  27. Hi Elegance! Just started reading yours and Maria's blogs and I'm already loving them :D

    I used to be one of those women who was deadset on not having any children and being alone. It wasn't until I got older that I realized I want children (3 actually). I want a husband. I want a family. I want to be a wife and a mother. The thing was, I was afraid of my children and myself being abandoned should anything arise. I saw many women whose boyfriends/husbands abandoned them and their families and was afraid it would happen to me.

    Now I know that if I don't want that to happen to me I need to do what it takes to select the right man to start a family with in the first place. And it's good to know that other women also want to be wives and mothers.

    But for right now, I'm not worried about marriage and kids since I'm young (22). That's in the future once I finish my education, start my career and find the right man. Then I can not only be a wonderful wife and mom, but an accomplished one at that ;D

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